Chapter Text
The sun’s shining and Eren’s panting. He’s wearing a white hazmat suit (okay not really, but it looks like one) and running around screaming like a literal child. The air is buzzing and even hiding behind a giant haystack, Eren has a hard time staying still from all the excitement. His heart was nearly beating out of his chest and—
“Found you,” someone says behind him and Eren shrieks and jumps up before he can feel the cold splatter of paint in his hair and on his shoulder. Eren laughs before pointing his gun at Levi and putting a nice green spot right in his abdomen.
“I’ll get you for that,” Levi smiles and takes aim against Eren.
Eren screams and laughs and starts running away but he can feel himself getting hit on his thigh anyway. There are no rules between them, no ‘one hit and you’re out’. No, they just play, running around like kids, splattering paint on each other.
Eren’s hair is a plethora of reds, greens, and blues and he couldn’t care less. He turns around to aim another shot at Levi behind him when he trips on a stack of hay and falls down with flailing arms.
Before he can even manage to get up, Levi trips over his legs and falls down on top of Eren. “Umf.” Eren’s breath leaves his lungs in a not-very-cool way and Levi laughs before letting his forehead touch Eren’s shoulder.
Eren stops breathing.
He can’t believe he’s here with Levi. And Levi’s laughing. Before Levi randomly walked up to him one day he didn’t even know the guy could laugh. It’s an intoxicating sound and Eren wants to do everything to hear it again.
But after a few seconds, Levi seems to sober up because he lifts his head and his eyes bore into Eren’s own and time slows down.
Evidently, Eren’s heartbeat speeds up.
Levi leans in.
His red-painted hand comes up to cup Eren’s cheek and he angles Eren’s chin closer to himself. Eren’s eyes flutter closed and he can feel Levi’s breath on his lips.
Fuck it, Eren thinks and leans up the rest of the way.
It’s euphoric.
It’s not Eren’s first kiss, but it might as well be because Levi’s lips are warm and dry and Eren wastes absolutely no time at all with poking his own tongue out to swipe over those lips. Levi makes a noise that seems to come from all the way down his stomach and opens his mouth to Eren’s ministrations.
Eren throws an arm around Levi’s neck and deepens the kiss.
Eren kisses Levi with vigour and intensity and he shudders as he feels the oxygen escaping his brain. It makes his mind faint and giddy and his body alight with fire. Levi presses even more into him, his hand coming up to squeeze around Eren’s hip as the other softly caresses his cheek.
It tastes like paint and sweat and hay but it’s perfect.
Eren can’t believe his life is going like this, can’t believe he’s so lucky as to have someone like Levi like him.
“I really like you,” Eren says as they break apart. Levi’s lips are swollen, pink, and parted and Eren dives in for another kiss. This kiss is full of emotion and power. It’s full of want and yearning and it makes Eren glad that he’s wearing a hazmat suit because all the blood in his body travels south at an alarming rate.
Levi’s tongue presses further into Eren’s mouth, as if he’s trying to draw a map of the surroundings. Levi squeezes his hip again before he breaks the kiss. Eren smiles.
“I really do like you,” he repeats, just to make sure Levi knows. Levi’s eyes widen a miniscule amount (ah! So he didn’t hear it the first time) and Eren thinks he sees a tiny bit of fear or maybe… Regret? But it’s gone just as soon so Eren concludes it’s probably just his mind playing tricks on him because Levi leans in again and captures Eren’s lips.
Eren takes that action as an, ‘I like you, too,’ because how could he not?
Levi’s lips are full and pink as Eren drags him into his bedroom. He knows he’s flushed from his ears and all the way down to his collarbones. He can practically feel whatever blood isn’t in his dick, colouring up his face.
Levi seems to get out of the trance he went into as soon as Eren pulled him into his house and he slams Eren against his desk. Eren’s back presses uncomfortably against the side of the wood but when Levi’s lips find his, he can’t find it in him to care.
Eren feels drawn to Levi in a way he’s never experienced before. He tried to ignore it at first, of course, but Levi kept on pressing. Kept on being in Eren’s company and Eren can’t ignore his feelings anymore.
He really, really, really likes Levi.
When Levi pulls back to breathe Eren chases his lips with his own, but before he can catch them, Levi’s hands find his hips and he pushes Eren on top of the wooden desk.
Now, Eren’s no blushing virgin, but he also doesn’t have a ton of experience, and Levi practically hauling him up onto his own desk makes his cock twitch in anticipation in a way he hadn’t quite foreseen.
Levi’s hands run up and down Eren’s thighs, down to his knees, pulling them apart and slotting himself right in between them. Eren gasps and Levi takes advantage of the motion to shove his tongue into Eren’s mouth again.
Levi yanks Eren close with a hand on his lower back and the other on his hip and their groins touch. Eren groans and his thighs twitch on either side of Eren’s hips.
Levi fumbles with the zipper in Eren’s pants and Eren can’t stop thinking ‘okay, so this is happening, okay, okay,’ because he’s kind of freaking out but also very impatient. It seems that Levi tries to pull noises from Eren’s mouth because every touch he makes against Eren’s body, every flick with his tongue, it makes Eren groan and mewl and he’s so goddamn happy that he’s home alone.
Levi slips a hand inside Eren’s pants and his fingers curl around Eren’s hard cock and Eren’s hands fly to Levi’s shoulders as his head tips back.
“Fuck,” he murmurs, to which Levi says nothing, but he does put his lips to Eren’s now-exposed neck and sucks.
Suddenly, Levi’s hand moves away, out of his pants, but before Eren can complain or do something embarrassing like whimper, Levi speaks against his spit-wet neck and Eren shudders. “Lift your hips.”
Levi’s voice is gravelly and oh God Eren has never heard anything so sinful.
He puts his weight on Levi’s shoulders and when he lifts his hips, Levi tears away his pants and bright pink boxers without as much as a care in the world. Levi leans down to kiss Eren again, his hands now running up and down Eren’s bare thighs before his fingertips travel up, up, up. Closer and closer to where Eren wants them, but never close enough.
Please, Eren thinks, wanting Levi to touch him. Wanting Levi to make him come undone.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got you,” Levi says and Eren is confused, at first, until he realises that he said that out loud.
Eren loses his patience after the third almost-brush against his hard cock and leans forward to fumble with Levi’s belt. He wastes no time in unzipping his pants and pulling out his cock.
Levi groans, deep and sexy when Eren’s fist envelops his cock.
Levi lets Eren pleasure him, for a bit, still running his own hands agonisingly close to where Eren wants them the most, but hearing Levi’s breathy groans is almost, almost just as good.
“Fuck,” Levi whispers as he puts his forehead to Eren’s shoulder. It feels much more intimate than it should be and Eren’s heart hammers in his chest. “I can’t focus when you do that to me.”
Goodbye, he’s dead, Levi killed him with his words.
Here lies Eren Yeager, killed by Levi’s dirty talk.
Eren smirks. “What are you going to do about it?” Because apparently he does have a death-wish.
Levi gives him a dark look, his eyes almost all pupil as he moves one hand from Eren’s thighs and up his torso, bunching up his shirt. He finds Eren’s nipple easily and rolls it between two fingers. Eren’s hand stops its movement on Levi’s dick and his head falls back again.
“I’m going to make you scream,” Levi promises with a breathy voice. Almost as if he’s just as affected by this whole scene as Eren is. Eren hopes he is.
He barely notices when Levi’s other hand also leaves his thigh, when it scoops up the precum on his painfully hard dick, when it travels down, down, down, before it touches his perineum.
“Oh!” Eren exclaims. Okay, yeah, so they’re doing this now. Okay.
He moves both hands to Levi’s shoulders again and digs his nails in so hard it must be painful. But Levi simply looks at him, not with apathy, but with a look that’s drenched in want.
Almost like Levi wants to devour him.
Levi’s finger presses in and Eren moans. Electricity sizzles up his spine and his breath leaves him in a ‘whoosh’. His eyes pinches shut and he falls back on the desk, letting go of Levi’s shoulders. No longer able to support his own body-weight. No one has ever touched him with such gentleness. Such care.
Such feverish want.
Levi stills for a moment before pulling his finger out, slowly, and then pushing in again. He’s patient and it drives Eren absolutely insane. Levi doesn’t say anything, but his eyes keep on Eren’s face, possibly checking for any signs of pain.
Eren makes sure he finds none, because if Levi stops now he thinks he’s going to scream. Levi keeps looking at him as he pumps his finger in and out. In and out.
A minute or an hour (or it could be anything in between) later, Levi adds a second finger. He’s not opening Eren up to take his dick, he’s just doing it for Eren’s pleasure and that makes something warm and fond coil in Eren’s stomach.
Eren lies back on his desk, enjoying the feeling of Levi’s fingers inside him when suddenly—
“Ah!” He sits up again as Levi keeps pushing against his prostate with vigour. “Fu-uck.” Eren draws out the word as Levi puts more pressure against the nerve-filled organ. Eren can’t stop squirming and Levi’s free hand moves to his hip to keep them down.
“Oh my God,” Eren whispers in wonder. It is a freefall of sensation and Eren is being pushed perilously close to the edge. And he feels himself approaching that limit, unafraid. He wants to be pushed. Levi is groaning against Eren’s neck and the noise is vibrating through his skin, taking Eren apart. Eren’s thighs are quaking and the muscles in his stomach are drawn tight, so tight, tighter than they’ve ever been before and Eren feels as if he is just going to rip apart.
“Eren,” Levi growls his name and that’s how Eren finds himself climaxing with light and colour flashing in front of his eyes. His whole world narrows down to the feeling of Levi’s heartbeast thumping erratically in his chest pressed against Eren’s, the feeling of Levi’s fingers still inside of him, pushing him into oversensitivity until after enough pitiful moans and whines Levi relents.
Eren feels boneless, as if he’s made of jelly.
And after a moment of insensibility Eren comes to his senses. He doesn’t want to be a selfish lover, after all. But when he finally manages to get his wits about him — at least, enough wit that he can get Levi off — Levi is already a step ahead, fishing his cock out of his pants and—
Eren tries, he really, really tries, but his mouth ends up falling open.
“How is that going to fit inside of me?” Eren says without thinking. Levi’s eyes hood and grow deliciously dark as he crowds Eren against his desk, licking into his mouth with renewed fervour.
“Fuck Eren, you’re gonna make me lose control,” Levi murmurs and Eren hears the tell-tale slick sound of Levi’s cock pumping through his fist. Eren swallows around his heart that’s climbed up into his throat and pulls Levi closer, scratching his fingers through the shorn hairs of his undercut.
“Are you gonna cum?” Eren whispers teasingly and Levi makes some sort of strangled groaning noise in response. There’s something so good about the fact that just the sight of Eren alone is enough to make Levi come undone. “Do it. Do it, cum for me.”
“Eren—” Levi groans warningly, his breath coming in short, sharp gasps. Underneath his t-shirt Levi’s skin is giving off heat like a furnace and Eren lets himself be burnt.
“Cum on me,” Eren says with a nip to Levi’s neck, close to where he can feel his pulse beating erratically under his skin, and it’s like those words flip a switch inside of Levi because then he’s biting Eren’s shoulder and coming all over his still exposed stomach.
Eren, in the spirit of academic knowledge, runs his fingers through Levi’s cum and brings them up to his lips for a taste. Levi watches him and honestly looks wounded when Eren’s tongue flicks out.
Salty, musky, a bit sour… But better than anything he’s ever tasted, because it’s Levi.
“You are going to be the death of me,” Levi mutters, flopping down onto Eren’s desk chair as he pulls his pants back up. Even hidden out of sight, Eren can picture Levi’s cock in vivid detail, and he doubts he’s going to forget any time soon.
In fact, he’ll probably revisit this exact memory later tonight.
“You’ll have to feed me more next time,” Eren says, without thinking again, but honestly he’s thinking he should do that more often because Levi’s eyes flutter shut as every line in his face goes slack with bliss.
“So… There will be a next time?” Levi grins lazily. “Good to know.”
Eren smirks back. “Obviously.” He lays his calf over Levi’s thigh — Eren is aware that he’s still naked but, oddly enough, unbothered by it. The sun is warm on his exposed skin from where it trickles in through his window (thankfully, they’re at an angle where they couldn’t be spotted because Eren doesn’t really want his dad overhearing this from some of their nosier neighbours) and Levi caresses Eren’s leg with gentle, soft touches. Traffic passes by outside and Eren can’t remember another time where he’d been more content.
“Tell me something true,” Eren says, studying Levi and the unguarded way he’s looking at Eren. He looks… Younger, like this, bathed in sunlight and relaxed. He looks… Softer.
“Something true?” Levi echoes, amused. He grows serious, but only for a second. “I hate peas.”
“No.” Eren laughs as Levi laughs. “Something else, something real. Something no one else knows.”
Something only Eren can have, for himself.
“Okay.” Levi nods, his teeth worrying at his lower lip before he pulls Eren’s hand towards his mouth. “You’re sweet, and sexy.” He kisses Eren’s knuckles, and Eren shivers. “And completely hot for me.”
“You are amazingly self-assured, has anyone ever told you that?” Eren teases, but his smile is genuine. So is Levi’s.
“I tell myself that, actually.” Levi grins. “Every day.”
Eren scoffs but he lets Levi’s lips trail over his hand — the bones and the veins, the knuckles and fingers and palm, the back of Eren’s hand down to his wrist and, honestly, Eren’s already ready for round two.
Of course, because Murphy’s law is a thing, of course it was all bound to come to a screeching halt.
“Come to the prom with me,” Levi murmurs and Eren knows Levi doesn’t miss or misunderstand the way Eren suddenly stiffens.
“Is that a request or a demand?” Eren asks, lightly, but he’s already started to pull away.
“C’mon, go with me.” Levi doesn’t let Eren go, he pulls him closer. Eren studies him like a scientist might study a specimen under a microscope. Searching for what his brain tells him must be too good to be true.
“No,” Eren says, flatly.
Why would Levi want to go to some boring dance that is high school prom? Why would he want to take Eren, anyway? Wouldn’t that give people ideas?
… Is Levi fine with giving people ideas?
“No? Why not?” Levi asks and, suddenly, a thorn of irritation pierces through Eren’s skin.
“Because I don’t want to,” Eren says, because that’s reason enough. And he adds — because Eren thinks Levi of all people should agree with this. “Because it’s a stupid tradition.”
“Come on. People won’t expect you to go.” That gets Eren to cock his head. Something icy cold and serpentine begins to slither into his chest.
“Why are you pushing this?” Eren asks and Levi looks away, opens and closes his mouth a few times as he seems to look for the right words, and that ice grows colder and colder. No, Eren thinks, and asks quieter, more resigned. “What’s in this for you?”
Levi glares and Eren glares right back as if to say, is that assumption really so shocking? Because isn’t this what Eren has been waiting for the entire time? The other shoe to drop? The perfect, public opportunity for Levi’s game to finally reveal itself and leave Eren humiliated?
Because… Eren has to ask himself this again, why does Levi like him? Why would he?
“Oh,” Levi scoffs. “So — now, what? I need a motive to want to be with you?”
“You tell me,” Eren responds, just as testily. He pushes himself off his desk because now it’s awkward that he’s naked. So much for enjoying the afterglow — that afterglow had been shorter than most of the skirts in Eren’s closet.
“You know what?” Levi snaps behind him. “You need therapy. Has anyone ever told you that?”
Now, Eren could respond to that in a multitude of ways. Mainly, that he’s already gone, and scared his therapist off halfway through the first session. But something about Levi’s tone makes Eren pause.
“Answer the question, Levi,” Eren insists, stiffer, somehow even more on edge than he was before.
“Nothing! Nothing is in it for me. Just the pleasure of your company.” Now Levi sounds sulky, which normally Eren would make fun of, but this feels… Different. Maybe it’s the sex talking, maybe it’s just the fact that not only had Levi planted a bunch of flowers and gotten detention for Eren because of it, but had also spent the afternoon with Eren that Eren feels… Hesitant to brush Levi off.
Actually, the only thing he remembers from that therapy session is the therapist telling him, “You can’t expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself.” To that Eren had scoffed and said bullshit, and the lady had exasperatedly told him, “Looking for the worst in others is only going to bring out the worst in yourself.”
So… Maybe Eren is suspecting Levi of having sinister motives when, in all actuality, he has none? Sure, prom is weird and useless and has always been a general waste of time and money in Eren’s eyes, but maybe with Levi it wouldn’t be all that terrible. Or maybe he could go with Levi and they could…have a terrible time, but be together?
Eren, for the sake of his own pride, tells himself he’s doing this because Mikasa wants to go to prom and can’t without Eren, so recently she’s started threatening to shave off all his hair in the middle of the night if he doesn’t go. And Eren’s hair is important to him.
Not as important as Levi, a little voice sings inside of his head, and Eren is regretting this already.
“I hate you,” Eren says. “I’ll go.”
Levi, who looked like he’d been gearing up for another argument, suddenly now looks as if he’s out at sea. “... Really?”
“Don’t look so shocked.” Eren says. “I can be a wildcard sometimes.” He gestures to his desk and — really, he’s talking about this entire afternoon. Levi smirks, but his eyes are alight with genuine happiness.
“Alright,” He agrees, still seeming tentatively pleased. “Then we’ll go.”
“But if it sucks I’m never talking to you again.” Eren says, already turning towards his closet, because now he has to figure out what to wear!
And maybe, he turns away so that Levi won’t see his own shy but unquestionably pleased smile.
“If your brother’s not going, you’re not going.” Eren walks downstairs after smuggling Levi out his window (because his father and sister did come home after their little… Interaction and Eren couldn’t very well have Levi walk out the front door), and hears his sister and father talking. “End of story,” his father says and Eren enters the kitchen then.
“I’m not going to end up pregnant just by going to the prom, dad!” Mikasa exclaims, throwing her hands in the air. She turns to Eren. “Eren. Tell father you’re going to the prom.”
Eren looks back and forth. “Uh, I hadn’t really thought about it,” he lies, because even though he’s ninety-nine percent sure he’ll go, he wants to have an out. If he tells Mikasa he’s going she will physically drag him there.
Eren mulls over going versus not going for the next couple of days before eventually deciding.
“Bye dad! I’m going to the prom,” he yells as he walks down the stairs. He’s wearing a dark red and silky skirt that reaches his thighs. He paired it with a black button up where more buttons are undone than done. His black heels with red soles make his ass look amazing in the skirt and Eren hopes Levi will see the effort he’s put into himself and give him some of the cock Eren’s been daydreaming about since their intimate encounter with his desk.
“Sure, honey,” his father replies, sounding completely uninterested. “Have fun.” Now that sounds sarcastic. As if he doesn’t believe Eren.
Eren doesn’t blame him, he doesn’t quite believe himself, either.
Eren opens the front door and closes it just as fast. He counts in his head, 3, 2, 1 and—
“Eren!” His father opens the front door and yells out of it. “Explain!”
Eren just smiles and gets into Levi’s waiting car, hoping to God that Mikasa will be nice enough to explain it for him.
“I’m sorry I questioned your motives,” Eren says as soon as the car is moving. “I just realised I never said sorry.”
Levi looks at him with an unreadable face before he turns back to the road. “You’re forgiven,” is all he says.
“I’m gonna go get some punch or — whatever it is they’re serving. I’m dying,” Eren calls over the music, his feet already beginning to ache. Damn heels. The price of beauty really is pain. Levi smirks.
“Hope it isn’t spiked with alcohol.” Levi winks and Eren flushes hot and leaves before he can make any kind of stupid response like ‘I don’t need alcohol when I feel drunk off of you.’
Falling in love, Eren thinks, is going to make him one sappy son of a bitch.
Of course, some absolute moron was caught with another girl at prom so his girlfriend dumped the punch bowl over his head — or, at least, that’s the gist Eren caught from the lingering gossip. Eren rolls his eyes and steals a few pretzels — he doesn’t want to ruin his mood by testing fate and drinking the water from the school’s water fountains, and he’s not really all that thirsty. He’ll just ask Levi to stop at a Mcdonalds or something on the way home. Since Eren is suffering wearing heels for him, really, it’s the least he can do.
Eren comes back to find Levi talking with some jock — actually, not some jock, it’s the same dude Eren saw outside of his house after the party he still can’t really remember. That bad bleach job is kind of hard to forget. But Eren didn’t know he and Levi were… Friends?
And Levi’s body language isn’t exactly friendly. His shoulders are practically up to his ears and he keeps bouncing on his feet, like he’s trying to extract himself from the conversation but can’t for some reason. Eren has never known Levi Ackerman to be the type of person to spare someone else’s feelings but hey, maybe he doesn’t want to cause another punchbowl scene. Eren should probably go and rescue him.
“—dude, I have just gotta say, you are the best! Alright? I owe you for, like, the rest of my life!” The bad-bleach-job jock is patting Levi on the arm as Eren grows closer, and the conversation becomes audible over the music. It would be hard to conceal it, given the dude is practically shouting. “I should’ve paid you more, heh — be honest, how excruciating has it been to pretend to like Eren for the past few weeks? Three hundred dollars doesn’t seem like nearly enough!”
Eren freezes.
Time seems to slow down, even the music seems to get slower, quieter. Eren just stands in the middle of the dance floor with a half-eaten pretzel in one hand and the other on its way to open more buttons on his shirt.
It falls limply to the side.
The bleach-blond seems to notice Eren behind Levi and his face falls. “Shit,” he murmurs before scuttering away, taking Mikasa’s hand and leading her through the crowd. Eren keeps his eyes on them until he can’t, refusing to even look at Levi.
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Levi turn around, slowly. Then Levi must notice Eren standing there and put two and two together because when Eren finally looks at him, all he sees is regret and pain.
Like Levi deserves to feel pain right now.
Eren’s heart breaks in two, his legs shake and he can scarcely breathe. The world spins on its axis like normal, but to Eren it feels like he’s falling through the vastness of space, with no one to catch him.
“Eren, I—” Levi starts but Eren interrupts him.
“Nothing in it for you, huh?” Eren spits before he turns and walks away.
“Wait!” Eren hears, but he ignores it. He almost trips on the puddle of punch by the entrance but thankfully he doesn’t. When he reaches the stairs that lead to the outside, a hand grips his.
Eren hadn’t noticed he was crying until just now.
Angrily, he wipes his tears with the sleeve of his shirt and turns around.
“Please, give me a chance to—” Levi starts before Eren has even fully faced him.
“To what? To explain?” Eren asks. “Okay then. Explain to me how you were paid to take me out. And for what? To see if you could bang me? Well, congratulations. You won.” Eren wretches his hand to him and starts walking away again.
“Eren! It wasn’t like that,” Levi promises. Eren stops in his tracks.
“What, how was it then? You get half now and the rest when you’ve put your cock in me?” Eren is angry. He’s angry and hurt and he regrets ever giving Levi the time of day. He regrets all the times his stomach was filled with butterflies and his heart pounded just at the thought of Levi.
He regrets letting Levi in.
He should have never let Levi in. Never let him see who Eren really is.
“I didn’t…” Levi starts, as if unsure how to phrase the sentence. “I didn’t care about the money, I just… I cared about you.”
Eren scoffs. “What makes you think, after this, that I could ever believe you? Could ever trust you? Your words mean nothing to me.” He turns around to leave, to close the door on this chapter of his life when Levi grabs his face and pulls him in.
His lips are just as soft as they were that day. Just as warm. Just as perfect, and Eren almost forgets where he is and the hurt he feels in his heart and the tears that stings his eyes. He almost forgets the pain he’s in.
“I fell in love with you,” Levi whispers against Eren’s lips. As if those words are supposed to be the answer. As if they erase the world of hurt Eren’s in right now. Eren almost forgets what happened before.
But he doesn’t.
He shoves Levi away angrily and runs before Levi can grab him again.
Eren has decided that he is done with men. They’re all good for nothing scummy jerks and Eren doesn’t care if he’s generalising, Levi has ruined the entirety of the male population for him.
Not that Eren cares. Care about Levi and how he broke his heart into a million pieces? Absolutely not. Eren absolutely hasn’t been going to bed early and crying himself to sleep. He absolutely hasn’t been obsessively reading Sylvia Plath poems. Nope! Everything’s normal in Eren-world. If his father or sister notice that he’s quieter, and wakes up with red-rimmed eyes every morning, they don’t comment.
Eren wouldn’t want them to anyway.
He’s just mad because he feels stupid. Some gut feeling told him from the beginning that Levi was playing with him, and he’s just irritated with himself for dismissing that suspicion at every single opportunity. In hindsight, it’s so obvious Levi was taking Eren out as some kind of part-time job. Like he actually liked Eren.
Ouch. Okay, even thinking of it like that makes Eren’s chest ache, like a tender bruise, so Eren ignores that thought. Levi’s opinion shouldn’t matter to Eren, anyway. Eren has no opinion of Levi, so ha, take that Levi!
It’s not like Levi ever made Eren feel normal. Accepted. Safe.
It’s not like he ever made him feel loved.
And why hasn’t Levi even tried to call him? Well, that confirms every one of Eren’s worst fears, doesn’t it?
So why does Eren still care?
Every time Eren finds himself trying to construct justifications for Levi his heart hurts just that bit more. Because, despite what he might vehemently insist, he does still care.
He wishes that he didn’t, when it’s obvious Levi never did.
Levi never did. He never did. That’s what Eren has to believe.
“But then I fell in love with you!”
… Isn’t it?
“Eren?” Mikasa knocks on his door and opens it to Eren lying on his desk (he’s taken to doing that more often than lying on his bed which is — it tells a lot about Eren’s state of mind if he’s honest). “I heard what happened from Jean, he’s sorry, by the way.”
Eren’s mind seems to latch on to the most random detail that— “Who’s Jean?”
Mikasa chuckles. “You know, the guy with bleach-blond hair? Really tall? Super handsome?” Eren makes a face. He does vaguely remember Mikasa going to prom with someone who fit that description, although Eren probably wouldn't classify that long face as ‘super handsome’, but to each their own he guesses.
Eren sighs. “What do you want, Mikasa? Can’t you see I’m busy wallowing in my own misery?” Mikasa snorts before sitting at his desk chair and Eren almost wants to tell her to get out because that’s—
Levi’s spot.
Granted he only sat there once, but the image of Levi spent, satisfied, his softening cock on display — sitting in Eren’s chair, in his room, in his life like he had no where he’d rather be — is tattooed into Eren’s mind and no matter how much he tries, he can’t get the picture out.
The small self-satisfied smirk Levi had adorned on his face that day…
Instead, Eren just sits up so that he’s facing Mikasa and his legs dangle on top of the desk. He’s wearing a skirt again, not because he’s going anywhere today, but mostly because they remind him of—
Fuck.
He stands up and tears toward his closet to pull out some pants, any pants, and he doesn’t even care that Mikasa is in his room as he angrily changes from skirt to sweats.
Thankfully, Mikasa doesn’t comment.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks in a soft voice. Now that she has what she wants, going to prom, a boyfriend, a normal brother, she’s much more mellowed out. Eren’s not sure he likes her like this.
“No,” he says spitefully. It’s not even Mikasa’s fault, deep down he knows that, but he also knows that none of this would have happened if not for Jean being a horny ass teenager (and Mikasa being the most beautiful girl at their school) and their father being a jackass.
She sighs and watches as Eren just kind of flounders in his own room. His desk and chair are forever tainted and his bed seems… Not right, for some reason. He ends up flopping down on the floor, leaning his back against the side of the bed, and Mikasa (bless her) gets up from the chair and joins him on the floor.
“I get what Levi did was a jerk-move, he should have told you. And honestly, I’m still deciding whether or not I should beat him to a pulp and —” Eren snorts, interrupting her ‘speech’ and she looks at him with an evil look that could rival even Levi’s. It just makes Eren laugh even more. “Hey, I could beat him up,” Mikasa claims.
Eren coughs. “Sure you could, sis,” he lies with a smile. “But let’s not get off topic, what did you want to say?”
Mikasa sighs but lets the topic-change slide. “I just wanted to say that I’ve never seen you so happy as when you were with him. You may not have noticed yourself, but I did. You were less snappy, you were more calm. For the first time since mom died I felt like I could see you beneath that mask of anger you always carry and I wanted more of that. Even if that jerk was the reason, I wanted more of you… The real you.”
“You know,” Eren says, not letting himself think about what Mikasa said. Not letting the thoughts run. Because if he did, he’d know that she’s right. He has been a hollow shell of a person for years, and Levi seemed to be able to drag out pieces of Eren’s personality he didn’t know were there. “It’s not like he’s called to apologise or anything.”
“He has,” Mikasa answers and Eren sits up straighter, trying to look for his phone. Where the hell did he leave it? “You left your phone in his car the night of the prom and he gave it to Jean to give to me and he has called it almost non-stop the entire weekend.”
“And you… Did you answer?” Eren asks, knowing that Mikasa would do that if she had access to his phone.
“No,” she says. “I wanted to, but Jean convinced me to let it go to voicemail. They’re all still there.” She gets up and leaves the room but comes back a second later with Eren’s phone in hand.
“Why did you keep it from me?” He asks, unlocking it and seeing — oh God — seventeen missed calls.
“Because if you didn’t want to hear from him ever again, I would have deleted the voicemails for you.”
Eren breathes, he’s not sure how he feels about that. “Did you listen to them?”
She nods.
“Am I… Am I going to forgive him?”
She shakes her head. “Only you can say that, Eren. I can’t answer that for you. I’ll leave you to listen to those. Come talk to me if I need to beat him up, okay?”
She squeezes his shoulder for a second before leaving again. Closing the door behind her and Eren is alone on the floor of his bedroom.
He presses a button on his phone and puts it to his ear.
“You have new messages. Press — one — to listen.”
“Hey, Eren. Uh… I’m not good at this whole talking thing, so just bear with me. Okay. I guess I owe you an explanation. When Jean first came to me with the idea, for me to date you so that he could date Mikasa, I laughed in his face. Told him to fuck off. But then he pointed you out to me and I somehow ended up agreeing. And Eren you—”
“End of message. Press — two — to delete. Press—” Eren slams another button on his phone. “Message has been deleted. You have new messages. Press—”
“Shit these messages are short. Okay, uh where was I? Right. Eren you took my breath away. You surprised me. You kept me on my toes. You made every day a new adventure and I kept wanting more of you, more of your smile and your laugh and your blush and —”
“End of message. Press — Message has been deleted. You have new—”
“I wanted to tell you so much. It was torture because I actually wanted to date you and I couldn’t because this thing was hanging over my head. I tried to tell you so many times but I just couldn’t. I kept putting it off because I was scared you were going to hate me when you found out. Guess I was—”
“End of message. Pre— Message has been deleted. You ha—”
“I was terrified and I kept lying to you. But I never told you anything untrue. I was myself with you. I could be myself with you. I fell in love with you, slowly, so slowly I didn’t even notice until you told me to fuck off. And I just… Please give me a second chance, Eren? Please? Just let me talk to you for a bit and explain. And—”
“End of message. P— Message has been deleted. Yo—”
“I’m sorry. I know it probably doesn’t mean anything to you but it’s all I can do right now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you and that you got caught in the middle of this. I should have just been honest with you from the start. You’ve made me into a better person and if this is the end between us then just know that I will carry you with me, always. I love you. I’m sor—”
“End of message. Press — two — to delete. Press — three — to sav— Message has been saved for fourteen days. You have no new messages.”
Eren comes to Mikasa, next. He just waltzes into her room and flops down on her bed. Jean is there, looking guilty as fuck. “What should I do?” He asks.
“Eren, you know we can’t—”
“Talk to him,” Jean interrupts.
“Excuse me?”
Jean turns from his place by Mikasa’s desk toward Eren fully. “He called you, didn’t he? He apologised. He’s done everything he can at the moment, but nothing’s going to get resolved if you don’t meet him in the middle.” Eren opens his mouth to protest but Jean holds his hand up. “I’m not saying you should forgive him, I’m not even saying you should forgive me. Just, if you think you might lean toward that conclusion, the only thing you can do now is to talk to him.”
Mikasa catches on to what Jean is saying, although for a moment there she looked ready to strike him down. “Jean’s right, Eren. And if you don’t think you’ll ever be able to forgive him, then you don’t have to talk to him ever again… But Eren,” she says, coming over to sit next to him on her bed, stroking her fingers through her hair. “You listened to all his messages. He’s extending an olive branch, he’s apologised. If you want him in your life, you need to at least talk to him.”
Jean nods but Eren just scowls at him. “How come Mikasa forgave you so easily?” He asks. Jean shrugs. “I’m lucky, I guess. Your sister’s a godsend. And she agrees that it was the only way to be able to ask her out. But she hasn’t forgiven me for what Levi and I did to you. She agrees that we should have told you, had you in on the plan from the start.”
Eren nods, doesn’t say anything and gets up to leave the room. He pauses in the door. “Is dad aware that you have a boy in your room alone with the door closed?” He asks with a smirk.
Mikasa smirks back. “Not even a little bit. Be a good brother and keep it from him? If he asks, Jean’s your friend.”
Eren laughs. “As if I’d ever be friends with horseface—”
“Hey!”
“And besides, he knows I’m gay, so that won’t help.”
Mikasa (like Eren) ignores Jean’s offended outburst because she just looks at Eren. “But you can’t get pregnant, so I think he’d be more lenient if you had a boy in your room. Just so you know.”
Eren chokes on air and slams the door after him in a mock attempt to hide the blush that’s staining his cheeks.
He goes back to his own room, because, after all, he still has an English assignment to write. A poem based on one of Shakespeare's sonnets.
“Would anyone like to read their poem aloud?”
It’s a surprise to everyone when Eren raises his hand, even Eren hadn’t truly decided until that exact moment if he was going to share his heart. But with how raw and bloody it feels in his chest, a heavy leaden weight, he wants to free himself of this burden.
Eren isn’t hopeful this will do anything to remedy this love sickness of his but he needs to say this, even if only once.
The teacher raises his eyebrows — he probably thinks Eren’s going to pull a prank and read either a very funny or very obscene poem — but he just gestures towards the front of the classroom, as if to say ‘be my guest.’
“This should be good,” His teacher mutters as Eren passes him, but Eren doesn’t hear him over the blood roaring in his ears.
Eren takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes.
“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn’t show.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, because you still make my heart glow.”
When he finishes, everyone looks stunned, even the teacher. Levi most of all.
Eren thinks he sees tears sparkling in Levi’s eyes.
Or maybe Eren is looking at him through the tears clouding his own.
But though his eyes are misty, Eren can feel himself smiling.