Chapter Text
"No, no, guys, there's no need, please," I pleaded, looking over the large group of Eridians in front of me on the other side of the xenonite barrier.
Over the week since the parents were informed of what happened to me on Earth and how I got into space, word evidently traveled fast among the group, with the thrum room overflowing with pissed off Eridians. I don't think I'd ever seen this many Eridians except for when I was being moved into my biodome, paraded through the streets of town as I was moved, barely conscious and suffering from a multitude of maladies due to malnutrition and starvation.
Oh god, how did it come to this? I thought to myself, rubbing my face in exasperation, pushing my glasses up as I pinched the bridge of my nose. I couldn't keep up with the rapid pace of the thrum, switching from topic to topic at rate that my human brain just couldn't process fast enough, no matter how much I tried.
"I promise you, there's no need for this," I spoke up again, trying to project my voice over the group, but unable to be heard over the humming.
Even if they could have heard me, I knew that the thrum of angry parents didn't really care what my opinion of it was at the moment. Earth had sent a child - a leaky, weak, fragile child by their own standards - into space, there was no excuse for that. Yes, majority of their own had died and they were desperate to send a group to find a solution to the astrophage, but all had been willing. They couldn't fathom sending an unwilling being into space to die. Even their own had been given the option to come home. No such kindness had been given to me and that was more than enough to piss them off.
"What best option, question?" An older Eridian hummed to the group, ignoring all of my pleas from the side. "Even want visit Earth anymore, question? Not sure if able trust now."
"Could still visit," one spoke, continuing the conversation. "Maybe keep relation only information, question? No tell all about Erid technology."
"Come on, guys," I continued to whine, attempting to take control over this and shut it down as soon as I could. "Really, it's okay. They did what they had to do, there's no need to cuss them out for it."
"No, is need," Rocky argued, turning to face me from the other side of xenonite, separated by both the wall and own opinions. "Earth hurt Grace, Erid make sure Earth know we no like."
"Honestly, Rocky, I'm over it," I defended, not wanting everyone to worry over him and feel the need to come to my defense.
In all honesty, it really was my fault in the first place for what they had to do. I was the best man for the job, no matter how much I didn't want to be. I was the only option and when you weighed my own life versus millions, the math wasn't difficult. Sending me gave Earth the best chances, even if it was painful for me. Even if it was going to kill me.
"Grace not 'over it'," Rocky mimed at me, pinching his claws together in air quotes, ignoring the thrum behind him as he focused his attention towards me. "Grace cry and scared over what Earth do still."
"I cry most days, buddy."
"Yes, Grace leaky space blob," Rocky agreed. "But not like Grace cry then. Grace scared and hurt. Rocky no like when Grace have sad, scared cry. Only happy cry okay."
I let out a soft sigh at the sentiment. I really did appreciate all of the kindness I had received ever since we landed on Erid - the scientists who helped me to get nutrients and not die from starvation, the engineers who made me a biodome to live in, and all of the parents who trusted me enough to let me teach their pebbles on a daily basis - but this was too much. I didn't need them to go on a war path over me and my cowardice.
Like I said, I deserved what happened to me, no matter how much Rocky and the rest of Erid disagreed. They didn't completely understand the circumstances of what happened on Earth and why I had to go no matter what.
"Earth didn't have a choice," I told him again, weakly fighting a losing battle. "Millions would have died if I didn't go. It was the fate of one versus the lives of millions of people, good people who needed to live."
"Grace good. Grace need to live too. Grace deserve to live too, not get sent to space, alone and scared" Rocky pointed out and my resolve crumbled.
"I did though, Rocky," I argued with him, a mix of pain and grief and loss coursing its way through me. "I deserved this because I was willing to let millions die just to live maybe a few years longer if I didn't go! If they didn't make me," I shouted out, my voice rising as my own guilt ate away at me and tears fell from my eyes, "I would have killed millions of people, just to save my own ass! I would have been a murderer!"
I noticed how quiet the thrum had gotten now, going from a loud buzzing to a dull hum, as they listened in on our conversation. It's not like I was being quiet right now anyway, it would have been more difficult for them to ignore me.
"This was my karma," I told him, wiping away the tear tracks on my face. "I should've died in space, but I didn't. Being here, being with you, is a better ending than I deserve for what I chose to do. Don't blame Earth for doing what they had to. I didn't give them much of a choice," I concluded softly, all of the fight leaving me as I realized just how sad I sounded.
I wasn't wrong. I had been willing to let a portion of Earth die just so that I wouldn't have to go, just so that I wouldn't die in space. Stratt had made the right call, I wouldn't hold it against her or anyone else who helped get me onto that ship. I just wish that I would have made the right decision the first time and gone instead of hiding behind my kids as an excuse.
"I… I'll leave you guys to decide," I muttered out, turning on a dime and walking away from the thrum despite Rocky's protests.
I didn't even know where the heck I was going, but I just needed to be away from it all for now. No matter what they said, the Eridians didn't know the whole story. I did. And I knew that Earth had made no mistake in sending me away.
I managed to find myself at the beach, about halfway between my house and the thrum area, before I sat down, letting the artificial waves come up to greet me. My mind was racing, Rocky's words leaving more of an impact now than they originally did.
Did I really deserve what happened to me? Did I really think that? Or was I just trying to make the pain of what everyone - people who I might have called friends - did to me?
I sniffled as I pulled my knees up to my chest, willing myself not to cry even more than I already had.
"Grace," Rocky's voice called to me from a little ways down the beach, scampering quickly through the sand to get to me. "Grace okay, question? Rocky sorry Rocky make Grace upset."
"You don't have anything to apologize over, Rock," I assured him, wrapping an arm around his carapace as he leaned into my side. "I'm sorry I acted the way I did."
"Grace no need be sorry. Grace opinion different Rocky opinion. Is okay," he told me, humming softly as he spoke. "Rocky just mad Earth hurt Grace. No want hurt Earth," he explained. "Just angry Earth cause Grace pain."
"You're not wrong to be upset. I think I've just been hiding from my own feelings. I'm angry too," I confessed, "but I can't be angry because they did what they had to do to save people. I just wish it didn't have to be me."
Rocky remained silent for a moment, still pushed against my side as the waves crashed in around us in a soothing rhythm over and over - rushing up to the coast to get pulled back.
We just sat there, quiet company. I wasn't sure if Rocky accepted what I'd said, that I was angry and understanding at the same time. Humans were complicated beings, much to his chagrin, so I didn't know if Rocky even understood what I had been trying to get across.
"Is okay," Rocky finally said, placing a claw on top of one of my hands. "Grace Rocky angry together. Even if Grace not angry, Rocky angry for Grace. Is not right what Earth did."
"I know," I agreed, my gaze looking out on the ocean in front of me, watching as a haze of fog rolled in across the water. "But they did what they had to for survival."
"I know," Rocky responded softly. "Will not punish Earth for it. Will hold as small grudge though. Not negotiable."
I let out a small chuckle at that. Of course, I didn't expect the Eridians to storm the Earth or anything, but with their memory, I'd be shocked if they ever truly trusted Earth after what they did. I didn't trust them anymore either. Erid had more than earned my trust over the past few years. Earth never could again. Human desperation was a variable I couldn't control and one I wouldn't ever let myself be subjected to again.
"I can live with that and I'm sure Earth can too," I told him. "Why don't we go talk with the thrum?" I offered.
Despite everything Earth and its people had done to me, I didn't want them to face the anger of the Eridians. They had done what was necessary for survival and no matter how much it hurt me, I didn't want the Eridians to hold that against them forever.
Slowly, side-by-side, Rocky and I walked down the beach, back to the thrum as I planned out what I wanted to say to them. What I could say to them.
The room was still abuzz with angry Eridians planning on how to continue relation plans with Earth after this information came to light. As far as they were aware before, I had volunteered for a suicide mission for the sake of my species, a hero willing to die for the greater good, and they had found that terrifying, if not understandable to a degree. They had sent their own away into the depths of unknown space, death was a possibility that they were aware of, so they didn't hold that against Earth.
Circumstances had changed though now that they knew I didn't go willingly, that I had been sedated and drugged and sent off to die. The thrum, and Eridians as a whole, weren't sure what to do or how to proceed with plans to go to Earth now. Did they even want to interact with a species that would willingly send off one of their own, especially one that was so weak and precious - Rocky's words, not mine.
I didn't blame them for being hesitant, but I knew that both planets could prosper and grow by interacting with each other. A single person shouldn't be enough to stop that growth. I wasn't worth that much, I didn't want to be worth that much. I just wanted to be a normal guy living on an alien planet, not someone who could stop both from growing because of what needed to be done.
"Grace back! Rocky back!" One called, directing the group's attention over to us on the opposite side of the xenonite wall as we walked back over.
"Reach agreement yet, question?" Rocky asked the group, keeping himself placed in front of me slightly, ever needing to keep me safe and remind me that I wasn't alone.
"No," the thrum leader explained. "Cannot agree how to proceed. Not sure if should go Earth after new information."
"Please, do go to Earth," I spoke up, silencing the thrum with my words. "I'm not happy about what they did to me either, but they did what was needed to save the species. I don't hold it against them and neither should you. You both have too much knowledge that can be shared for the betterment of both of you. You don't have to forgive them, but I want you to at least give them a chance," I pleaded.
The group congregated, humming softly as I assumed they debated my offer and words. They were too quiet for my human hearing to make out clearly.
"No need forgive Earth," Rocky added in, hearing what I could not. "Just try to understand where Earth come from. Hold grudge okay, but should give chance. Make mistake. Big mistake, but still mistake," he explained as the thrum continued, chirping in what I assumed was agreement.
"Agreement met," the thrum leader spoke, all other Eridians going silent as they addressed me. "We continue Earth relation plans. No forgive them, no trust them. Understand importance to Erid future. Only reason. That and friend Grace want give chance. Will be Earth only chance."
What had happened to me may have been a horror stroy to both the Eridians and myself, but at the very least, some good could come out of it: the taumoeba cure and the first interplanetary relations.
"Thank you," I whispered out. "Thank you for not judging them on their worst mistakes."