Chapter Text
[Y/N]’s journal.
31st of August
Mother never told me how cold the dance studios were at the academy, Though I can hardly complain when I had asked her two weeks ago on my 13th birthday to let me perform along with the other dancers of our company. After visiting a performance which featured Lady Furina I had planned my request because the walk home was so silent I felt as if it was the best time to do so. My Father hardly replied though he felt rather absent through out the entire day, he was smoking again which truly irritated me since the scent of those cigars are so off putting I don't think I'll ever understand how people enjoy those. Mother showed she was hesitant at first but she agreed with a smile on her face, I enjoyed that. Sometimes it feels as if me and my mother are the only people who are apart of this family.
My mother is rather strange at times though, she is kind to me but when I wanted to ask for my music box I heard Hestia talk to her. “[Y/N] is such a lonely child Madame, its only natural for her to start seeking out social interaction.” My Mother sat behind her vanity sewing a pair of those pretty point shoes while Hestia would braid her hair before bed. She looked a bit off I suppose ,I don’t really understand adult emotions. “Yes I suppose this feeling just comes with Motherhood right? I just fear how those girls will treat her.” Hestia's pretty face merely smiled at my Mother,her hands resting on my mother's shoulders. I think Hestia must feel more than she let's on towards my Mother, none of the maids are this close with my Mother except for her.
But Lonely is a harsh word, Hestia told me many girls who are daughters of successful men tend to be lonely so I don't understand why she had to point it out. I slept anxiously that night after I put myself to bed, I couldn’t stop asking myself what Hestia could mean with that. At the time I hadn't met many girls my age and I hardly believed they have any reason to treat my unkindly. However I know a bit more now, I entered the ballet studio and I noticed that hardly anyone spoke to each other. They merely stared at me up until my mother entered the room. It must have been because of my leotard, it felt like they knew I hardly wore white leotards and because of that I didn't belong in this class. But I managed to keep a high profile, I do have to say the class was rather easy and I found myself getting a bit bored of the explanations my Mother gave the class.
After class a group of girls came up to me and asked whether I was the daughter of the company. I told them no I am the daughter of my parents and they for some reason found great amusement in that, They then questioned where I was born and I told them I was born in Fontaine but they appeared not to believe me either. Their manners were horrible I thought these people would at least be a bit more civilized, they didn't even tell me their names!
After Dinner my mother made me do stretches before bed and I told her about this. She replied by saying “Dearest, Do you think Lady Furina has problem as insignificant as this? No, The people love lady Furina don't they?” I didn't get what she meant at all, Lady Furina is a Archon how could I possibly be like her? I suppose I should take her advice, If I ever want to become someone in this world I should be exceptional like a Archon.
1 August—my Mother broke her ankle, the doctor says she most likely won't be able to dance any longer because of her age. I feel pity for her I even tried to give her my music box but she threw it away and Hestia had to fix it. Hestia attempted to comfort me but I didn't really feel as hurt as she assumed I was, I'm not sure how I was meant to react honestly.
Father introduced a new girl who would temporarily take over classes, she's from Natlan and told us she was going to graduate to Principle Ballerina soon. I couldn't help but feel a bit jealous but I am jealous of all the dancers older than me. They look so pretty in those costumes I can't wait for the day where I get to wear them.
I always admire people who are favoured by the sun, though I Don't remember her name I remember how pretty she looked when the sun filtered through the windows;It was like watching golden jewellery during a sunset. Her eyes were almond shaped and dark with beautiful curled lashes, her nose was straight and her lips round and full. She was quite a tall woman, her legs perfect for ballet.
She also helped me with my hair, before class I had attempted to fix it up since my mother's broken ankle has caused Hestia to forget about my training. My mother wasn't responsive when I asked her to aid me so I had to do it myself which made me realize how little experience I have with my own hair.
She had such a nice voice it was as if she was singing her words! This certainly is better than my mother's classes! But I still don't understand why the other girls won't talk to me, I thought that I'd have some friends by now and sure you could say my teacher counts but she is also old, and I don't necessarily have much to share with a older woman.
13 September—Diary I was bad today, I jumped on a carriage and went to the Theater because I wished to see my teacher Celine perform. I didn't have any tickets but they hardly questioned me when I ran past the guards. I felt my heart beating so hard in my chest but when I saw her it was worth it. She was dancing the Esmeralda variation and she looked so beautiful the red in her costume fit perfectly against her dark skin! I'm going to beg for my debut to be Esmeralda as well! If only I could time travel then I could tell my 18 year old self to do this..
I wanted to congratulate her back stage but I instead was confronted by a weird old man, his face was contoured with lines and his hair was completely grey. He wore a ugly top hat and his suit did not fit him or his translucent complexion. “Aw a little swan escaped the nest eh?” He approached me which made me very fearful but my father who I didn't even know was here suddenly appeared and pulled out a gun! I was so shocked I hardly heard his scoldings when he escorted me back home. I didn't know father carried a gun, I do wonder where he hides them since they are quite pretty!
Later— I don't understand why Mother has been acting the way she does towards me, I should be asleep but I hardly could sleep with how she looked this evening.
I entered the bedroom and she laid there soundlessly staring at the ceiling, her eyes looked like she was impersonating one of my dolls and the meal Hestia made for her laid cold and untouched on the nightstand. Mother looked like a grey scale sketch from the art room, and as I jumped on the bed and told her of my little adventure she spoke strangely to me.
“You talk of your Father as if he is such a great man..” Her hand would tighten around mine, my mother's pretty face contouring in sadness.
“He told me he loved me when he..” Her voice trembled when she said that before she cradled me against her chest and sobbed.“Darling, please promise me you'll never ruin yourself the way I did? You'll stay pure won't you?”
I don't think I’m comfortable with telling my stories to my mother anymore, Hestia had to pull me out her arms and stayed in her room until my father came home. I could hear her cries echo through the home before it suddenly went silent once my Father came home. Hestia was right when she said I was lonely, without my mother what do I have?
I am currently writing this in the library which I am proud of considering this room is a bit scary at night. There are so many strange books here that I can hardly figure out why we own them. I found one about the ballet which I was named after and it was hardly a jolly tale,Why would they give me a name with such sad implications! I stopped reading after she went mad and decided to write in my diary. My Teacher Celine told me that writing in my diary is good for my mind and that it'll keep my memory sharp so I'll surely have to keep doing it!
Celine has also been escorting me home, she acts as what I assume older sisters act like. She often shows me the prettiest boutiques and even showed me the swans outside of Fontaine, but this time she brought me to a elaborate carnival with a bunch of masked fools performing. Hestia scolded her for it but Hestia isn't my mother and she has to stop acting like she is.
16 October— Why do women love men so much? I don't understand it. My mother is married to my Father but I can hear her crying every night. If he makes her so sad why doesn't she just leave him? I am so angry about this because Celine has left me, she left me alone in this stupid school and took the sun with her. I wished my mother remained bed bound, she ruined the only friend I had. I can only feel jealous of those around me, I deserve to he treated like person as much as anyone else right?
I pity Hestia because she feels like tape holding together a broken wine glass. I lashed out at my furniture and dolls when I found out about Celine, I cried like a child and Hestia had to comfort me again.She at first remained unsuccessful as I trashed and even bit her, but eventually I stopped once she struck me in the face and forced me in her arms.
Hestia told me my feelings were misplaced and that I shouldn't focus on such trivial things but my heart still hurts. She married a man who wasn't even handsome, why would she do such a thing? I don't think I'll ever understand this even though Hestia told me I would in time.
Ballet class feels hollow without her, the others won't talk to me and when I do they either mock me or act as if im holding a guillotine above their head or worse they ignore me. At the start of class they do each others hair and I am left pretending it doesn't bother me.
In a moment of weakness I tried to ask my Father about this, he was sitting in the living room performing that disgusting habit again. He wore a grey vest and trousers, his hair messy and a bit in his face. He told me something stupid that I don't want to believe. “[Y/N] Ballet class is no place for friendship, Its a place where you prove yourself to be worthy. You wanted to be a principle Ballerina right?” I was nervous to answer and infact didn't want to. “Yes, Father. But I want to have friends too.” He stubbed out his cigarette and turned to face me before flicking me across my forehead. “Those girls will kill you if it meant that they get to be favoured by Fontaine. If you have time to focus on trivial emotions you aren't working hard enough.” I suppose he is right, The company is Fathers kingdom and that makes me the princess and commoners will never see the princess as their equal.
I tell this to myself but I still want a companion or a prince. I want someone to show me I exist outside of this theatre.
15 December— Today I read a book in the library, it detailed a story about a monster discarded by its creator. I am saddened that I finished it, I much more enjoy fiction than reality.
20 December— I fell during Ballet practice today, I am starting to regret asking my mother to join the classes. Though no one laughed I still felt they enjoyed seeing me kicked down.
[Y/N]’s Journal continued
[4 years later]
6 February— Today Hestia taught me about sexual intercourse? I don't know why she would do that since I clearly have no plans to do anything near that and I already have heard enough about those activities in conversations people have after ballet class. I think its rather obscene people have such urges because the bulges of male dancers have never caused me to act like an wild animal.
My parents should pay her more,she is as loyal as a dog and is willing to do just about anything if you ask nicely. It is a bit pathetic but I can't really blame the woman.
My Father has been out more recently, I am glad because of that since his punishments keep growing crueller. I don't want to talk about it.
But He is kind to me when he offers me pretty dresses infact the last one he offered me was one from Snezhanya? I've seen it on the maps that are located in the library, it looks rather pretty infact it reminds me of The nutcracker which I have been practicing in my home studio recently, the sugar plum queen has such a pretty costume and pas de deux I hope I'll be able to perform it someday.
But returning to Snezhanya there are quite a couple pretty pictures in the library of the country so once I am of age I'll ask my parents to bring me there! To come from the cold and rigid winter outside to sit by the hearth of the home,Perhaps I’ll have a prince by then? Wouldn't that just be so charming to sit in the arms of a person who loves me and me alone—Oh it excites me just to think about it!
I feel as if Snezhanya might just be warmer than this home, or at least less haunted. My Mother has been looking exceptionally bad recently, she has stopped taking care of herself all together and drags herself along the house like a ghost. I see Hestia try and solve this but I can't watch her do that without looking away for multiple reasons. Not only do I pity her but I am reminded of my Mother's treatment of me during ballet classes which has been rather harsh and it has lead me to feel exceptionally sore. My mind keeps convincing me that I hear bones cracking when she bends my limbs into perfection,but that would be absurd my Mother would never do such a thing.
Further more a couple new girls have joined my class, They are exceptionally pretty. One reminds me of the Snezhanya gown my father gave me as her skin is pale like the moon and her hair like a pale lavender flower. I believe her name is Permelia? She has such kind eyes and compliments me until my face flushes from embarrassment; she has completely disarmed me and I have grown endeared to her beyond reparation.
She appears very elegant but with me she giggles like girl in love. We have pointe class from 16:00-18:00 and she always aids me with sewing my shoes and has been teaching me the craft which hides behind Ballet shoes. She even gave me the prettiest dark red leotard in the dressing rooms! I felt so grateful for this I almost wept on the spot, then I actually began to cry because she comforted me so sweetly. She'd undo my hair and scratch at my scalp with such gentleness I almost passed out.
The other is named Mina , I believe she is of both Sumeru as well as Natlan descent. She is a bit more stern and direct, though despite this still teases me. Her hair is a dark brown and grows down to her jaw, her skin is a beautiful golden brown. Her eyes are like gifts from the earth beneath us as they posses a great green shade and make me feel nervous whenever she looked upon me. But her scent is one like roses though whenever I stand close enough I can smell the scent of cigarettes sticking to her clothes. Which I do find strange considering I have never seen her smoke.
She carries a strong nose and striking features yet despite this I am fascinated by how they soften during acting class.
I have too developed a disgusting habit, I am glad its nothing strange like smoking or drinking but she noticed I have been scratching at my back more because of how she stands behind me at the barre which is how we met.
In the dressing rooms she often sits behind me rubbing this peculiar cream on my skin. She told me her mother gave her a book about herbal medicine from Sumeru before she moved here and that she knew just the thing that would ease my scratches.
The cream is very soothing and the scent is overwhelmingly pleasant, her hands are as soft as her words. She told me such teasing words which certainly didn't help when I was sitting there barely dressed because she wanted to access my full back. This resulted in me holding a leotard up to my chest while desperately trying to keep it there because I was certain her care would put me to sleep.
“I thought a girl of your calibre would know better than to damage yourself like this.” was what she told me in such a hushed voice, I could only smile to myself shyly. Once she finished she told nudged my shoulder playfully and told me: “If you run out your always welcome to come to my room and ask for more.” I fixed my leotard idly, my expression a little sheepish. “I doubt my Father will allow such a thing.” She flicked my forehead playfully before taking on that stern tone again. “Well thats too bad, I’ll be dammed if I see you walk around like that.”I have to ask you diary how come boys don't act this way? If Mina were a boy I would understand why women throw away their lives for marriage.
I never knew people could be this kind! My new found companions have even been exchanging letters among the three of us about silly things like boys, gossip and often Fashion magazines. I have to pray my parents won't find, I’m certain they will forbid me for not following my schedule considering they believe friendships are a waste of time.
15 February—Oh I am so excited! Diary you must not look down at me for this but I have been sneaking out with my new found friends, life feels so much easier like this no wonder people enjoy friendships so much! I snuck out to a near by bar where I was rather shocked with how many other Ballerina’s I saw there. In there I ate a slice of cake and something which you would call a chip? I never tried it before since my parents don't believe I should eat harmful food and me eating a slice of cake already felt rather rebellious. It was salty and tasted like Independence!
I even attempted to flirt with a boy, unfortunately the boy I talked to ended up being a woman called Madeline who was a friend of Permelia's. Which would have been nice to know before I kissed her. I should feel ashamed for how quickly a scurried away from her after wards,but I wasn't in my right mind I had consumed a chip for gods sake.
I was rather disappointing because the other men surrounding me were not at all handsome and I began to question how any could let sexual attraction dictate their entire life since that appears more like a self control issue to me.
But to keep on the topic of things which make me smile me Permelia and Mina snuck into a Theatre production with popcorn, it was a play about Vampires and Permelia shivered her way home while Mina pretended as if she wasn’t afraid and claimed she would kill such a thing with ease. I appeared to be the only person who was completely entranced by it and felt strangely melancholic when they killed the poor creature. Despite its blood thirst it too was merely trying to survive no?
If my parents find this I'll have to kill myself immediately. But I got home and hardly received a scolding, Hestia attempted to but I merely ignored her and went off to bed. but I don't believe I have ever laughed this often.
19 March— Permelia told me she is most likely moving to Snezhanya to pursue her dream after this season. Her parents allowed her to pursue ballet because it would allow her to make profit which I wasn't aware of at all but that she now wishes to continue as a seamstress! I was merely happy she told me and wished her the best of luck out there. I felt a bit jolly at the idea that she'll at least stay until the end of the season because, guess what Diary? My parents are letting me debut as The Dying Swan in October! I had asked them to debut as The Harlequinade or Esmeralda but I retracted my statement when I saw they turned 3 shades paler seconds after I finished my sentence. I suppose Esmeralda is a bit risky and controversial but I’ve seen others perform as her?! There must have been something in the water supply for this was quite a dramatic reaction.
But my department from Permelia will all be in good faith when she gets to see me on the stage! I do hope it'll make her happy, her eyes have been looking strange recently. Its a emptiness I can't describe but it saddens that I don't know how to make it disappear, no matter how much I hug her or give her pretty gifts it remains.
20 March— I have come to realize my ignorance. After I wrote my earlier entry Mina came to my window and tempted me into going out. She wore a coat over her black leotard and stockings, she reeked of cigarettes and alcohol which I asked her about but I was met by a change in subject.
I had assumed she meant that same place I have visited a numeral amount of times with her but instead she brought me out the city. We at first did wander through out the city, flirting with what I hoped were boys and becoming a growing nuisance to the guards which too roamed the city.
The moon was big and round in the sky watching over us as she ran through the empty streets of Fontaine, she brought me to this beautiful spot on top of academy building where we looked over the city. My head rested comfortably on her shoulders while Her fingers would trace shapes on my back, feeling how the skin had healed over the months which brought a soft smile to her face. Diary I felt so alive in this moment, I wish it had never passed. I wanted her smile to be genuine, I wanted her to tell me why she had grown so quiet recently. But I had been naive not to mention it.
“My parents will kill me if they find out about this Mina .. Will you come to my funeral if they do?” Usually she'd snicker, tell me to stop speaking in such strange ways. But this time she fell quiet, her eyes fixed on the moon as her breath began to shiver. “We have a shelf life [Y/N], You should make the most of all of this before you're replaced like all of us will be.” After that a strange tension settled, one which made me push away from her. I looked at my feet dangling high above the ground while rain drops fell on my shoulders. I tried to understand why she told me that but before I could she stood up holding out her hand expectantly. “We should head inside.” I took her hand hesitantly, I wanted to know why she told me that but I knew she wouldn't. “But—” “No no, I clearly have spoiled you too much with my remedies.”
Our next stop was The Dormitory of the academy, something my parents had failed to mention was a thing. As I wandered through the hallways with Mina she held my hand tightly, as if protecting me from all of the staring eyes which surrounded me. The rooms appeared to be the size of perhaps a servants bathroom, each bedroom hardly personalized. The imagery was grim and I still can't fully comprehend what I witnessed back there when my body was pumped with adrenaline.
We arrived at what I assumed was the living room, It was there where I saw a small and old piano in the corner and decided to play The Dying Swan on the piano. Mina looked at me with hesitation while I looked at her with expectancy, I knew she was talented and she could perform this even without her point shoes. “[Y/N] I wanted to tell you something— I..” “Ah- no we don't talk when the music is playing Mina !” She looked so endeared to me, I have grown hateful towards myself for the fact that I didn’t recognize she wanted to tell me something important.
I was a bit out of practice but it hardly mattered because Mina performed the dance in her own way, I was in awe at how beautiful she was, I had grown so used to the routine of ballet I hardly saw the art form in it. Once I finished the final note she began: “[Y/N], I wanted to talk to you about your Fa—”
“Good evening girls.” My heart froze when I heard his voice,My Father hadn't been home in weeks why would he appear now? We were both brought to a complete freeze when I felt a iron hand land on my shoulder. My Father, my father stood there alcohol in his breath and that cruel expression on his face.
I had begged every archon in the land that this was a hallucination, I had been so happy up until now why would the gods punish me like this? He dragged me by wrist away from the piano like I was a disobedient pet. “Say, Mina what exactly are you intentions with my daughter?” Mina's eyes met mine, her usually radiant eyes appearing frightened and unrecognisable from how they usually looked at mine with such confidence. “ You can't blame me for asking because the people of your ethnicity are known to be rather.. promiscuous. Don't you agree [Y/N]?” I looked at him disgusted, I still Don't know why he said that when he hardly looked much different from her. Mina confident as she was turned into a fawn, her eyes lowered as she began to fidget with her clothes.
“I— I wasn't doing anything Sir. I merely—” “We will discuss this later.” I tried to fight him, I really did. I screamed, I scratched and I bit. But he dragged me as if I was a doll through the rainy streets of Fontaine and back home.
My Father was cruel before this event but this act of disobedience was met by complete lack of humanity. He dragged me back to our home where his treated me as if I were still 12 years old, I could only shrink in humiliation at this. “I see you’ve been enjoying your little act of betrayal? I suppose this perfect existence as my daughter must have been so hard on you,but alas I should have known you’d grow up to think you were superior to me and that you’d eventually walk all over everything i’ve sacrificed to give you this place in society. ” I sat in his living room, the fireplace crackling quietly in the background while he poured a drink for himself. I could hear my mothers voice outside the room, how she pleaded with him and how her vocal cords strained with emotion for the first time in months. “Father I merely wished for companionship, I didn't mean to hurt you. I—I still love you all the same-” I wanted to hold my tongue, wait until it was all over. But I couldn't, I was stupid enough to speak my mind. “Companionship? And what then? Marriage? Are you going to runaway from this home and live in a poor neighbourhood selling yourself for scraps in the name of companionship?”He sighed as he poured golden liquor into a glass, his back facing me. “Here I thought you were smarter than that.”
My throat filled with disdain for the man infront of me, like a hissing snake did my tongue coat with venom and I bared my teeth at him. “Would you treat our goddess the same as you treat me, Father?” He turned his head to me, lips twitching as if tasting something foul. He looked at me as if a brute idiot, then snickered at my pitiful attempt of resistance and took a sip from his glass. “You tell me I am above all these girls, that the vacancy in my heart will be filled with Fontaine’s praise like I am something meant to be worshipped. But I am not omnipotent, to myself I merely am a human.”
“10 years from now will you still forsake me from my own humanity, Will you still tell me that because I am of your blood that I am too mighty for love, Father?” That night I felt the humiliation of watching the only thing meant to protect me turn into the bane of my existence. He looked down at his glass, then at the portrait above the fireplace. He pondered something, finished his glass of vodka,then left the room.
My lip quivered, my cry echoing out but heard by no one. I was alone.
I wanted many things, I perhaps am as selfish and foolish as my Father says I am. I wanted to be, to make mistakes, to have a mind that would not betray me. I want to kiss and love and touch. My Father thinks of me as a monster, he laughed when I told him I wanted a companion. All this melancholy is unbearable alone. I am weak and pathetic in my loneliness. I begged the gods to free me from my misery, they didn't not respond. My Mother attempted to comfort me but I only felt apathy towards her because she watched it all happen and didn't do anything about it.
The next morning I ran to the academy and I searched for Mina , but she appeared absent from her classes. I did not blame her for that, her eyes as she watched my father drag me home shattered my heart into many pieces. I had never seen someone look so soulless before.
The next pages have been ripped out
14 April — I have returned to class and it went smoothly, I performed The Dying Swan for the class.
1st June—The pianist Siegfried and Permelia asked about Mina during ballet class, I could not bring myself to answer.
5th July— I saw a group of girls flirt with the boys of our academy, I was disgusted. They are a waste and don't deserve the title of a Ballerina.
10 August— I debuted as Swan Queen today, the stage is much darker when you're on it. My Father praised me and even hugged me for my performance, he has been treating me so kindly lately It confuses me.
I found a bottle of wine in my dressing room,I don't know who gifted me it but it hardly matters. I suppose I am now a age where I can drink.
10 August— I performed as Giselle today, My father didn't congratulate me this time. He appears to be growing very anxious lately. Mother has been locking herself in her room. I am alone in this house and world.
10 August— Today was my first solo, The company has grown so much that I got to perform at the big Theater in Fontaine. I received some gifts, one which stood out to me was a slice of red velvet cake and some pretty burgundy roses. I had to hide it from my parents but it tasted utterly delicious!
10 August— I received a necklace at my door today, I don't usually wear red rubies but I suppose it’ll keep a nice spot on my vanity. I went to a gala this evening,it was quite alright. I got curious and allowed a man to take me to bed. It was not pleasant and my Father yelled at me for doing it, my mother wailed outside my bedroom when I locked myself inside. She kept saying I had defiled myself, I covered my ears and tried to ignore her. A insane asylum would have been more soothing to sleep in.
11 August— During Ballet practice I noticed a very intimidating woman near one of the windows which allow people to look inside the classrooms. She frightened me, her eyes felt as if they were there for me alone. It felt strange, she did not fit into the group at all. Her skin appeared untouched by any sunlight, her lips like the deep reds of wine and her eyes. I could not look at them long enough for me to do them justice now. Despite her youth white hair grew from root to shoulders with after thoughts of black mixed into them. I have never seen anyone watch us practice with such seriousness in their eyes.
I will admit she was handsome but equally terrifying. Once I left the studio I felt compelled to talk to her yet when I did manage to locate her I saw my Father was occupied with her. Her eyes were even more frightening in person, I stood at the other end of the hallway yet it felt as that distance didn't exist while we were caught in eye contact. I have grown used to people averting their gazes from me, the girls of my class have grown terribly intimidated by me once I stopped trying to befriend them and the men who praise my performances hardly dare to look me in the eyes. It was strange to be the one yielding especially when I saw her walk away with such a satisfied smile. (All while my Father was still talking might I add.)
I asked Father about her and he turned so pale he could have passed as a average Fontainian. He then told me I shouldn't talk to crossdressers while lighting a cigarette with shaking hands, which still did not answer any of my questions.
It was a pity I truly wished to know more about her, she appeared as if she didn't belong and it had enticed me for reasons I do not understand.
Later — I dreamed about her, I am even more frightened now! The dream felt as if real, my mind portrayed her as a Vampiric monster which might have been because of play Dracula where I play the side role of Mina. The play brought me much melancholy at first yet I fear if I'll ever be able to play that role again because of this.
She stood on my Balcony, a brilliant red moon behind her like a halo of damnation. I was drawn to her as if I held no self control, something I only now harbour shame for. My feet creaked on the wooden floors as I approached her, my stomach churned wildly at this until she held me in her arms where all felt at ease.
She held my face with the reverie only something like her could express, her darkened fingers tracing the side of my and brushing hairs out of my face. Her face leaned down to my neck. My eyes gazed at the crimson moon in front of me as her lips dragged across my skin which did not alert my nearly as much as it should have but once her hand pulled down my night gown to reveal my breast where her fangs pierced the skin. The feeling felt exhilarating, it lit my senses ablaze like drag of cigarette and danced with my mind like how a 5th glass of wine would. I awoke when Hestia disrespectfully dragged me out of my fantasy, which might have been because I had been wandering in my sleep again and nearly wandered myself off my balcony. That dammed woman locked me into my own room and watched me sleep again,I told her on numeral occasions not to do so for I am not my mother but she has been blatantly ignoring all my requests. She asked me what had me so frightened in my dreams because I appeared breathless— I think you can understand why I could not tell her the source of my breathlessness. I could hardly look myself in the mirror after this dream because of the pure amount of shame that settled in my stomach.
Apparently I had been walking in my sleep as well because I was met by Hestia using all her strength to keep me from walking off my own balcony that night. I do not recall when I began to sleep walk,but then again I hardly ever sleep with my balcony door open.
30 October— I have been practicing Dracula as Mina , she was watching me, this time at a hour where most gentlemen did not come due to work. The pianist Siegfried asked me about her and I could only be reminded of the awful dreams that have not only been duplicating but have grown so wicked I cannot bring myself to write them here. I told him I didn't know her, but I felt as if he knew otherwise. He has been a pianist here ever since his old man retired, he knows I don't react this strongly to others.
31 October— I performed Giselle. But I was distracted when I took my final bow, I kept seeing a strange red light in the audience. I thought people had manners nowadays, who brings a camera into a Theater. My Mother told me I was going to meet a special patron, so after my performance I ensured to look my best! I spent a great amount of time in my dressing room grooming myself to perfection and wore a pretty white gown that had a off the shoulder neckline, which I then decorated with red details such as earrings necklaces and gloves. To my demise I could not change into a new dress all together like one usually would which had me considering if it was possible to cancel the meeting.
Hardly anyone can afford a private meeting with me due to my status as Principle Ballerina so I did not want to disappoint. Especially when I heard the meeting would involve pastries! I made my way to the suddenly empty lounge of the Theater, my eyes searching for a young gentleman which I secretly hoped was handsome too. I did not notice the strangeness of the situation, how despite the emptiness of the lounge music still played.
But I halted abruptly when I saw the same woman which haunted my psyche sitting at booth I was assigned to. My stomach churned with conflicting emotions and I attempted to flee the scene but to my demise she saw me. She greeted me with the mannerism of a gentleman while her voice held me in a chokehold as she told me: “And here I thought my eyes were deceiving me.” She kissed the back of my hand, yet unlike any man who performed a greeting like this her eyes remained fixed on mine. I felt light in the head. “It is truly a pleasure to meet you in person Madam, especially after such a magnificent performance.” Was what she told me. I recall her words so clearly that they still brings heat to my face as I write them. I breathlessly searched for my words, all blood flow which kept me conscious fleeting my head and replacing its presence with a severe light headed-ness. “Madame?” She said those words so gently, diary It was a miracle that I did not faint.
My Father interrupted this meeting faster than I had anticipated, In fact her hand still held my own— which brought to my attention how unique they appeared, I had assumed she wore gloves but I could feel her skin touching mine, infact until my Father quite literally tore my hand away from hers did I hold onto them.
He told her that I needed to rest despite the fact that I was completely well. During his speech of nonsense I watched as she would not break her eyes away from me. Her eyes did not share the same look as what I was used to, I am at a age where men stare at me as if I am a well prepared meal and despite my ignorant assumptions about her she did not look at me in such a manner. I felt as if every glance was meant to tempt me into her arms rather than hunt me.
She told my Father it would have been a waste for me to leave without the pastries she so kindly provided for this occasion and I saw how my Father appeared frightened. I have never seen him do this before but he cleared his throat, looked back at me with a expression that showed he begged for some kind of forgiveness from me while simultaneously wishing pure damnation upon me before he turned to the mysterious woman in front of us and agreed.
One of her masked bodyguards packaged the pastries carefully then brought them to her hands. I took the box from her though I almost dropped them from my grip when I felt her skin touch mine,a soft caress which held a barely contained hunger for not only my body but I fear my soul as well.
Good thing I know the best treatment for unwanted emotions! Its sealed in a glass bottle and takes the shape of red liquid.
23 August — I must be going mad from all the training, I have been summoned to perform the dying swan at a private party, I believe it was a mascarade ball. She was watching me, I told myself I was imagining it but she was watching me I am certain of it. Hardly anyone in Fontaine looks the same as she does.
I try to pretend as if I don't know why I feel this way towards her. Because I am disgusted Diary, all my life I have made a mockery of people driven off their senses by lust and she stands here defying all that I know about myself. I wish I could do anything about it yet I am helpless to her. I fear what might come of me if I listen to my desires but I at the same time feel as if I have no choice but to follow them.
(Current time)
Hestia nearly dropped the journal once she heard your footsteps dragging as if you were a injured animal. She pressed herself against the wall of the art room as you slowly approached closer, your hands were crossed over your torso protectively as you mumbled enigmatically to yourself. It appeared as if you were experiencing some strange kind of hysteria as you sobbed among your snickers. Hestia felt her heart beating violently against her chest as well as ache for you, she wished she knew how to deal with a child like yourself. You were unwell and you had been for years, yet the only person who you let in was that dammed woman. She felt envious and frightened of her in equal measures.
Hestia's redirected her gaze towards the journal, was it truly selfish for her to wish you'd read it. Perhaps she'd finally recognize the girl in front of her, but she swallowed that idea. She couldn't force herself to understand you if she tried so there was no use in believing in fantasies. She looked into the hallway once more,where you now stood still staring at nothing. Standing within a shadow where she could not tell whether you faced her or not because the moon would not reach that corner.
She prayed that you would not notice her and started her journey out into the hallway. Regret washed over her in waves, she had no solid proof but she felt your gaze from the other side of the hallway burning into her back. It felt as if her throat turned on her with the way she could not bring herself to breathe properly.
“Hestia?”
Your voice pierced to the air and took a strange sternness that hardly anyone heard from you, your expression fixed into something that almost began to dip into disgust before fixing into a preformative smile. Hestia hesitated greatly before facing you, forgetting about the journal which sat in her hands. She couldn't bring herself to remember the journal nor anything she wanted to tell you in this moment when you looked the way you did. Your pupils enlarged and glazed over as you looked her up and down, your makeup assassinated by your tears while your lips were stained with a miraculous bright red.
“Is this how you occupy yourself usually?”
You watched how all colours drained from her face, how she desperately searched for an explanation.
“[Y/N]! I thought you were asleep?”
You looked unamused, eyes tracing the design on your journal. The red cloth and white embroidery in the shape of a swan something which reminded you of the woman who gifted it to you. But you held no appetite for thoughts which centred your mother at the moment.
“I— I know it's a breach of privacy but please believe my intentions were pure. I feel that if you read this [Y/N]—” You tilted your head with a slightly confused expression, of course another mean spirited expression you performed so she would realize her place. She corrected herself, hands shaking. “If you were to read it— Madame—I believe it would help you greatly.” You snatched the diary out her hand with little kindness for her left, the events which happened earlier had already soured your mood and now this?
“You know,I should fire you for this. Especially how you locked me in my room earlier this week but—"Your face contoured when she fell onto her knees, hands clutching your black dress. “I know I was out of line, please forgive me.” Your skin rippled with distaste, did this woman have no dignity? “Alright run along now,I retract my statement.” Despite your scolding you naively gave her your diary, trusting she'd return it.
After your argument with Arlecchino you felt a slight unease at returning to the bedroom. You told yourself though the lights were off that did not mean she was absent from the room. So despite your exhaustion you had abandoned your heels somewhere, freshened up and wandered out to the garden.
You decided to take a seat on the bench which held the best view over the garden,the stars twinkling like dimmed stage lights. Based on where the moon appeared in the sky you knew to discard the idea of experiencing any sunlight tomorrow, however this wasn’t new since your sleeping habits had turned rather disorganized.
You felt the grass under your bare feet, the polished texture of the bench and a brief hint of roses in the air. You had been accompanied yourself with gardening in Arlecchino’s absence once you were trusted in your own garden to distract yourself from the vacancy in your chest. Despite what you told yourself, you missed her. How could you not when you sat in silence for most hours of the day except for when those amusing twin magicians would occasionally visit you with pastries and gossip about a world you were completely disconnected from.
You attempted to dismiss your sappy yearning and enjoyed your own company unaware that someone else did as well. For once you didn’t flinch as you felt her eyes stare upon you, what did make you flinch was that she still held that opulent gun, its backside almost disrespectfully pressed against the grass. She wore her sleepwear, a black flimsy shirt with ruffled details, a red pair of wide legged cotton pants. You had grown to despise because of how the cut of her shirt distracted with the way it drew your eyes down her sternum and the softness of her— nevermind you were most definitely more concerned by the way she held that weapon.
“I see you found my fathers prized possessions.” You hardly noticed how short-tempered your companion appeared at the sight of your tranquility, even if it was briefly any shift in emotion was hard to ignore in her. “It would be quite a waste if these were left to decay wouldn’t it?” You marvelled at the oddness of her response as it sounded more like its own independent sinister question rather than a response at all. “Well I think weapons are best used as decoration,That is to say that I am rather baffled about the fact that you believe I would need to defend myself so severely.” You couldn’t shake her expression. her eyes appeared like they’d clink like glass if touched and though you knew her body was often its own fireplace she appeared cold.
Your eyes lowered to the empty tea cup you brought here and brought it to your lips since a empty tea cup was a way more pleasant sight than Arlecchino’s expression at the moment, If this was how she conveyed her hurt feelings you’d rather ignore it as it intimidated you too much to do the opposite. “Considering your restlessness I’d say we use this time for something more productive?” You scoffed ignorantly at that before taking a sip from your empty tea cup, both of you saw there was no liquid for you to drink but that didn’t mean you wouldn’t use it as an excuse to avoid her question.
As usual she refused to let the topic pass, forcing a response from you.“Very well, but don’t expect much from me, I hardly own any hunter instincts.” You hardly knew what you were getting yourself into by asking that. As she told you to aim at a tree in the distance you took the gun from her hand and merely copied what you vaguely remembered your father doing when he brought over his ‘friends’.
But there really was no attempt at trying to even shoot properly as you lazily shot into the darkness. Your hand slightly clammy against the cold metal from her scrutinizing gaze ; You’d rather fail in a obvious manner than admit you didn’t know what you were doing. “Again.” Harsh much! You sighed lowering the gun to the ground. “You cannot judge a fish for its ability to walk on land, Arlecchino. If you truly wish for me to achieve anything could I request some guidance.” You wished you had thought about what you asked from her when you could, because in no circumstance would you be able to truthfully learn from her teaching. Well at the very least not like this.
You swallowed any reasonable thoughts once she did what you had infact asked for, her body pressed against yours with necessary closeness that you wanted to doubt more than your feelings. You felt the warmth which she projected, that exquisite scent only she in all of Teyvat appeared to carry. You held your breath as she enforced you’d hold the gun properly and aimed at a poor lost boar in the distance, her breath like a nerveracking breeze up against your skin.
In such a moment you hardly questioned why she ever wanted you to hold a weapon like this, infact you hardly questioned anything. Perhaps your admiration of her was misplaced in this situation as you hardly hid you weren’t even listening to what she was attempting to teach you, in moments like this you could tell she wanted to cover your admiring eyes. But it was the uneasy flatness in her eyes which caused you to look away as it served as a reminder of what had happened hardly 24 hours ago. You had long tasted the anomaly of her being, it laid in everything which had grazed your body. Her eyes which begged for a salvation she had entrusted into your hands. Her hands which carried the darkness of both the crimson fluid of life as well as well as the corruption of her very being clawed at your soul in display of loyalty. Her tongue which spoke silent curses onto your decaying body. You often pondered what life had done for it to discard her completely, but never asked why someone like her found comfort in you to begin with.
Caught in her gaze you hardly realized she asked if you understood her instructions. “Understood?” No wait, she had been speaking to you this entire time hadn’t she? You nodded bashfully instead of asking for her to repeat herself.
Something within you must have heard her because in your lust for approval you shot at a bunny as if you actually listened to her. You heard her clap,then she approached you once more. Her face contoured in a smile that didn’t reach her eyes, a smile you did not like. You did not know what had appeared in front of you earlier and did not know why it had cannibalized the version of her that wouldn’t have smiled at you like this. But it required a loss of cowardice to even mention earlier events, and ever since the new maids had relocated the key to the wine cellar you knew you weren’t losing your cowardice any time soon.
“Very well, You clearly show more experience than you claim to have.” Her slippers crunched quietly onto slightly damp grass until she halted in front of you, her hands retrieving the gun to swiftly refill it. “Well yes, my father ensured I at least knew how to tame a bow and arrow in my earlier years of life ; Incase of emergencies I suppose.” You almost hid how much you enjoyed her praise but your eyes held a twinkle which often appeared whenever Arlecchino did anything you wanted. It almost always appeared when she brought home a gift that fit your taste with unnerving precision or brought you some kind of candy; It appeared enough times for her to use it against you. A thin smile widened on her face as she handed you the weapon once more. Your brows frowned as she stepped a couple paces backwards until stopping abruptly. She then reached in her pocket. Confusion now took over your entire face as you gazed at the bright red apple in her darkened palms, but you were quickly reminded of how well she hid her insanity for someone so clearly deranged.
Atop of her ivory locks sat the red apple, her lips perking upwards with a emotion no one who would offered themselves as a target should even carry. “Don’t look so frightened, [Y/N]. You told me you had experience did you not?” Your lips separated for a sentence that would not leave your mouth, instead your throat felt rather tight and parched. You could not understand why she appeared so eager for you to aim at her, nor why she trusted you with such a thing.
“I—I cannot fulfil what you’re asking me, Its rather late and I’d rather have a good night of rest before I attempt such a thing.” She was taking your perfectly normal reasoning as an excuse, you could tell because her eyebrows rose as if accepting a challenge rather than growing dissapointed at your refusal. Her voice was sickeningly sweet as she told you: “You appeared quite alert moments ago when I was instructing you or am I perhaps misunderstanding your intentions.”She knew you wouldn’t truly deny her when you had already grown wary of doing so, but it almost irritated you at how she decided to use it to her advantage when she was the one who’d suffer from the consequences if you infact missed the apple completely.
Your mind had already constructed a reality where you missed, oh how would you ever forgive yourself and worse so how would you ever survive in a Snezhanyian prison? The coldness would not only be completely intolerable but the meals would too punish you by being inconsumable. No more pretty gowns, no more music, such tragedy! But what truly made your heart skip a beat was the fear of her haunting you in death, for her to not even spare your wary soul as you lost your sanity in a steel bar prison. The idea alone made you want to fall to your knees and plead with her but as you lifted your gaze back to her still standing in the same place with the stubbornness of a mule meant you had to shoot regardless how you felt, because that expression showed you were not going anywhere.
You lifted your weapon as you tried to keep as composed as she appeared. Despite your stress your hands were stable, and despite your discomfort the air filled with that ear piercing sound of a bullet travelling through the air.
You heard a thud, one that made your soul wish its farewells to your flesh and bones. You could already imagine it, blood staining those roses which surrounded her. Her face disfigured into a unrecognizable shape and her body twitching as it met its mortality. Her skin would be cold and stiff in your arms and— “Impressive, I suppose those archery lessons did pay off?” The thud was not her body, it was your mind lying to you as it made you believe Arlecchino weighed the same as a singular apple. When you opened your eyes again she stood in front of you with a expression you were hesitant to feast on, your hands trembled, a long awaited sigh leaving your mouth.
“I—I suppose they did. Should we.. go again?” In your shock you hardly noticed the faint colouring on her cheeks or the unusual change in her breathing. Neither did you notice her gaze on you that undoubtedly showed some strange exhilaration. She hummed in amusement when you suggested another attempt when your hands were barely holding the machinery in your hands. You stood with your shoulders slouched forward and a distant shock in your eyes, your chest straining at your too tightly laced corset. Grudou a sight for sore eyes, “Well I do have to doubt how stable your aim would be at this moment,Perhaps an escort you to our room is necessary?” Out of all things the words ‘Our room’ caught you off guard the most, a undeniable disdain manifested in your eyes as they met hers before leaving just as quickly. You nodded, barely holding enough composure to remember on which side of the manor your room was.
Once helped out your gowns and put into to a comfortable night gown which still held the memories of the bedroom it was given in; It carried a scent that was frosty but still held the undeniable scent of the very same person who stood in front of you combing through your hair who appeared unnervingly satisfied.
Even if it had been minutes ago and the feeling should have passed you could not shake it off you. Was she doing this to torment you? Were you the victim of her tyranny or was this merely a type of behaviour she hadn’t revealed to you yet. You could not estimate her intentions if you tried but something within you began to wonder if she derived pleasure from this. How could you not when she gazed at you in a way that strictly reminded you of the night she had dammed your very soul and spirit.
With upmost care did she lift your face to meet hers, your face one of pitiful uncertainty. Her lips tracing down your pretty neck, only once her teeth bared and grazed your skin did you suddenly pull back with a sharp breath through your nose. You did not understand why this was the hour which she turned affectionate, not when you were questioning why you proclaimed your hatred for her time and time again but felt such guilt in a situation where you’d be her killer. “Why did you—” You couldn’t question it, the act of offering herself as a target was strange but not what bothered you, it was something you could only leave unidentified. You began to grow doubtful of yourself. she wasn’t acting any different than she did in Snezhanya, but your skin did not crawl as much as it did when she acted affectionate towards you back then.
She looked at you through hooded eyes, one eyebrow lifted with minor confusion. You never tried to finish that sentence and her looking at you like that certainly did not help you remember what you were going to say. “If you truly feel so tense a bath might restore your tranquility?” You were quick to look away when she even mentioned that, your face growing hot with the idea. “I am doubtful that my bathtub is built for two.” The way her lips quirked up made you realize how she had never even mentioned such an idea. You cleared your throat before finally rising to move to your side of the bed. “I mean I’m sure taking my rest will be more efficient than delaying it.” As if performing an agonizing act did she let you go, turning to the dresser that had grown awfully full with her clothes. But you did not miss how her eyes remained focused on you in the reflection of the mirror placed on the mohangony drawer.
Early sunlight spilled beneath the curtains. You did not recall when you had become so nocturnal, but regardless you knew better than to defy your own needs at this hour. So you stared at her back as she moved around your bedroom, until your eyes fell close.
You carried yourself through relentless fouettés and Italian Fouettés as sweat dripped down your spine, only being brought back to reality once your ankle rolled and you fell in a non angelic manner. Your eyes narrowed into heated perfectionism but you could acknowledge that this meant you needed a break. You tore the point shoes off your feet and tied them to the barre before grabbing a towel to dry the sweat off your body.
You quietly searched for a maid among the hallways but instead were intrigued by curiosity. You crossed your late fathers home office which appeared to be reclaimed by Arlecchino at the moment, her coat hung over the chair which made you question how absent she truly was when you had found her absent from the bedroom once you woke up. Then again she had duties that hardly allowed her to sleep in as much as you did. You grew curious, stepping within the room which no longer reeked of cigarettes and bad suit attire.
You were merely curious, after all this was the first time in years you were allowed in this room. So you hardly blamed yourself for putting on her coat and sitting behind the desk. The scent it carried eased your tension greatly as your eyes skimmed over the items which laid on top of the ash wood desk.
A neat stack of books you hardly had any interest in reading, a snow-winged swan’s feather resting next to a pot of ink. A chessboard that you used to practice with now a piece of decor covered in dust. You opened a drawer hardly searching for anything, you found a framed picture of your mother in her girlish youth performing “Serenade” one of the first performances of the academy back then. The picture appeared yellowed and held a reverie that still echoed in the back of your mind, you still remembered how beautiful your mother was as a dancer. But it was as if when she lost her title as Principle Ballerina she also lost her soul.
You put your melancholy away along with the picture, your eyes suddenly noticing a letter among a pile of ash. You vaguely recognized the thorn apart wax mark on the letter but could not point at a memory that would tell you why you recognized it, so you opened it.
“ Dear Madame [L/N].
In recent events we have taken notice of the temporary suspension of The Academié de Fontaine which has left us with a vacant spot on the stage of Fontaine. We would like to take this opportunity to let is invest in your reappearance as to cure the peoples idolatry of Ballerina’s of your grade.
We understand your presence is not one to be requested casually, but we will pay you handsomely for the expertise and experience you bring to the stage, Talent as great as your own is one not to be replaced nor mimicked easily.
We thank you for your attention and hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
The Prince.”
You would have rolled your eyes if it wasn’t for the boredom you felt at the moment, years of training made weeks of freedom feel like a cage. Your fingers traced of the paper which felt like a status compressed into a thin white sheet while the other hand brought a glass of whiskey to your lips, head tilting back as your mind attempted to decipher where you recognized this textured paper from.
Your eyes stared at nothing for the remaining minutes until you noticed a maid staring at you from the door you forgot to close. You could tell from her unsettling smile alone that she was one of those new maids Hestia had hired, what was her name again? Mariette?
Her black gloved hands were meant to show her being a training maid here, as far as you knew at least.“I am uncertain that liquor won’t replenish you as much as water would Madame. I have brought you a refresher so you can return to practicing once more.” You did not remember asking a maid anything like this, infact it only served to remind you what your original intent was before you decided to read this letter. “Your service is appreciated..” Your sentence wandered off as she took the glass of whiskey out of your hand, your lips pressing together with slight distaste as she poured you a glass of water.
Next to the glass sat a handful of pomegranate seeds as well as a slice of blood orange which you consumed as you thought of a response, once confident you dipped the Snow-winged feather into ink and began to write before swiftly returning to your exercise.