Chapter Text
Robert isn’t going to lie. He wasn’t entirely sure how he got to the taco place. Which should probably be concerning. But he was drunk and concussed.
Once the hangover wore off he had things to do.
He hadn’t been keeping an eyes on the docks since he didn’t want to get his hopes up and act too early. But the time to retrieve the Astral Pulse was coming. He could avoid Chase getting hurt. Chase may never get the amulet. But Robert couldn’t risk him getting hurt and not making it this time.
Refused to risk it.
He was handed a taco which was most certainly not what he ordered. But he knew this game. It was Malevola’s.
“Can I have some sauce?” He murmured, staring at the taco.
His mouth only partially caught up with his brain, “I ordered three crunch tacos. This is not what I ordered. Whose order is this?”
No one spoke up and he looked around.
“Hey, korean bread, catch-” Invisigal said and tossed him a sauce packet. Which he did not catch and was smacked in the face with.
“You drunk, or conussed?”
“I’d go with both. Heard he took some friendly fire,” Golem replied to Invisigal.
Robert snapped and pointed at Golem, “I took a lot of un-friendly fire too. I think I saw God and he called me a bitch.”
“Can’t believe Flambae is God,” Invisigal snorted.
“Of course I am, have you seen me?”
“That’s one way to get smited for your hubris,” Prism laughed.
“Oh shit! That reminds me!” Malevola pushed off from where she was sitting and walked over to Waterboy, “Stand still. I just wanna check something real quick.” She ran her fingers through Waterboy’s hair.
“Ah-um. Is everything okay- alright?”
“Just checking something. Stand still. You boiling that demon clown had me wondering something.”
As Malevola was running her fingers through Waterboy’s hair, Prism sat in the middle of a small group looking at her phone.
“You touch your hands after touching all those filthy nutsacks?” She asked Punch Up.
“I thought these seemed salty.”
“Oh! I was right!” Malevola suddenly exclaimed.
“Right about what, lass?” Punch Up asked.
Malevola moved so she was standing next to Waterboy and dropped an arm over his shoulders and tugged him close for a side hug. “Our very own waterboy is a paladin. His spit is actually holy water! I was wondering what that buzz around the office recently had been.”
“Wh- oh- OH!” Waterboy looked horrified and tried to pull away, but Malevola pulled him back.
“Oh hey babe. What’s the matter.”
“I could-I don’t want to hurt- injure you-”
“Aww you’re cute,” Malevola brought up her spare hand to pinch his cheek. “Of course you don’t know how this works. You’re a baby paladin. So basically if you don’t want to hurt me, you can’t. Not that you will be able to before I kill you in return. So don’t you worry. Besides. I’m only half demon. So it’ll hurt but wont kill.”
“Oh-o-okay,” Waterboy slumped, his stress releasing.
“So our local janitor is a paladin now. Don’t they like, have to worship something? What’s Wetbitchboy worship.”
All eyes turned to Waterboy and there was a long moment of silence.
“I uh- I don’t- know.”
“Not gonna lie. That’s kind of hardcore,” Sonar chimed in, “You get sickass powers from the magic of belief and you’re so kickass you don’t even know who is giving you the powers.”
“Paladins get their powers from their oaths and not their gods. Though often this does include an oath to a god, it is not required,” Coop comments.
Prism snapped, like she remembered something. “I read a conspiracy online that supers are inherently magical in a way. Like- in the way that powers were started by magic. So like- supers can become paladins if they feel that strongly about something.”
Invisigal appeared next to Waterboy and punched him in the shoulder. “Didn’t think you had it in you! So! What’s the oath, sir Waterboy?”
“I uh- actually I don’t- know- couldn’t tell you. I was just encouraged by- following Robert’s example. On how to behave. I listen when he gives us- when he gives pep talks.”
“No shit?” Invisigal said and then suddenly all eyes were on Robert.
“Guess I’m God then,” he muttered as a joke before he went to take a bite of what he was handed which was not his order. Only for Malevola to swipe it.
“There she is, all sauced up, just how I like it. Think you’re looking for these.”
Robert gratefully took his three triple crunch tacos and the extra sauce packets.
“Maybe give us a heads up next time you want to start a fight. I wanted another drink,” Golem rumbled.
Robert’s bite into his taco stopped dead. Fuck. He finished his bite, chewing, and swallowing.
“Okay. One. I didn’t start that fight. Two. Being sexually harassed is a perfectly acceptable reason to get into a bar fight. Three. Heroes aren’t supposed to be starting fights, they’re supposed to be finishing them. But sometimes shit happens, we’re all still heroes.”
“I’m not. I’m mud.”
“You have thoughts and feelings. Stop that,” Robert said, throwing a sauce packet at Golem.
“I don’t know many heroes that can bite off a guy’s fingers,” Sonar pointed out.
“Yea. There was no way that was just a cocaine thing. You were doing that like you had practice, Invisigal added.
“Maybe practice from the cocaine thing,” Flambae added.
“Oh shit that could be it.”
“What cocaine thing?” Prism asked.
Invisigal motioned with her drink to Prism. “Robert had a hoe phase and had a cocaine orgy that involved the megabat he doesn’t remember and after he bit some guys fingers off who tried to mug him.”
“Which I still need to confirm.”
“We’ll get there, Sonar.”
“Still. What kind of hero bites people’s fingers off?”
All eyes turned to Robert once more. FUCK.
Robert quickly shoved his taco into his mouth as he took a bite and chewed. Taking a moment to collect himself. He didn’t want to do this now.
“I was planning on telling you later. I know trust is what would bring this team from good, to great. But I needed to sort some things out for myself first. I haven’t told you since I was hoping that if you got to know the depressed guy with the fat dog behind the mask that you wouldn’t want to kill the hero.”
He had so many plans that were being thrown to the wind. He could keep his identity a secret, But a reveal later could lead to disaster. And it hadn’t ended up bad last time. He was simply down Flambae for a shift.
“I’m Mecha Man.”
There was a moment of stunned silence before the group reacted.
“No fucking way... can’t be,” Punch Up said in disbelief as he stood up.
“Could be?”
“That’s like a real superhero.”
Flambae was silent for a long moment. He could see Invisigal looking at Flambae as well. But Robert turned his head to look at Flambae.
It was nice to not almost be roasted alive. But Flambae was staring Robert down with an intensity that was making him sweat in a way that had nothing to do with heat. Even the team had gone silent. It was no question that Flambae had complained about Mecha Man to them countless times before they had met at the bar. Robert knew at least Prism had to know how Flambae lost his fingers.
Robert flinched slightly when Flambae walked up to him. But still there was no fire.
“Flambae-”
“Shut up,” Flambae said, though with only minimal heat in his words. He brought of his fist and pressed it gently against Robert’s face. Then he snorted a laugh. "It really is you. You got your ass beat at crypto night parking lot after getting the shit beat out of you.”
“If I remember correctly I also took out your tooth with my elbow-”
Robert yelped when Flambae grabbed his bruised cheek and pinched. Hard.
“Behind the Denny’s parking lot. You feral raccoon. I actually believed you.”
“Holy shit,” Punch Up realized, “You two really did go at it in the parking lot-”
Prism screamed a laugh. “ROBERT YOU FUCK!” She laughed, “YOU brought up fuck marry kill, Mecha Man!”
The group exploded in shouts and laughter. Teasing Robert to high hell.
“You really had us fooled. Holy shit dude. One of a kind gaslighter. You could do great selling crypto.”
“Thanks Sonar. I will not be doing that.”
“Your loss dude.”
Flambae sat down next to him. “You fucking asshole. I can’t believe I went on a date with Mecha Man-”
“-Wasn’t a date-”
“I should roast you alive.”
“Well. Look at it like this. You went to jail because a real superhero arrested you. But I think now that you know me the shiny prestige of Mecha Man is probably gone.”
“I don’t know. I think the suit sex could still go hard. If you fuck the way you fight, at least.”
“Thank you for the vote of confidence, Invisigal.”
“Courtney.”
“What?” Robert asked, all heads turning to Invisigal.
“My name’s Courtney.”
Flambae’s eyes snapped to Invisigal then back to Robert. “Chad. You heard it. I’m Chad.”
He moved his right hand and held it out from where he was sitting next to Robert. Robert took it to shake it. Robert looked up and was surprised to see Flambae- Chad- making eye contact with him.
Suddenly Phenomaman landed in front of the two of them, causing Robert to turn to the alien. “Katon-Ur was the name given to me on my planet. When I first arrived on Earth, the ladies at the Nordstrom Rack I worked at called my Dumpy due to my large posterior. You may call me either.”
Chad actually looked slightly annoyed, but Robert only saw it from the corner of his eye so it was impossible to say for sure.
“Herm. Sometimes Herman. Or Hermy. But my Grandma calls me Herm, so, Herm...”
“My name's Victor. Because I'm a fucking winner.”
“Janelle.”
“I'm Alice.”
“Bruno.”
“Malevola. My last name's Gibb.”
“My name's Colm.”
He had known all this. Well. Most of it. He hadn’t known Flambae’s name. Or Phenomaman’s. Or Sonar’s... okay so he was learning new things.
“So what now? Orgy time?”
“Oh fuck that reminds me!” Sonar said as he stood up, “Robert! Jacket off! Come on!”
“Yea! Let’s see if you fucked the megabat!” Malevola cheered.
Robert rolled his eyes, but shrugged off his jacket, exposing his upper body to the night air. At the same time Sonar was taking his tie off.
The light of the taco place was blocked out by the size of the megabat. Sonar moved past Robert and Chad and stood behind Robert. Ever so gently Sonar ran his claws over the scars on Robert’s back. The scratch was gentle, raking across his skin with the upmost care.
“Holy shit. It’s a match,” Malevola said, standing next to Sonar. Meanwhile Sonar was still gently scratching the scars on Robert’s back, as if he couldn’t believe his own eyes. Robert couldn't help but shutter at the gentle feeling.
Flambae swatted Sonar’s giant hand away. “Alright that’s enough. So Bob-Bob knows how to take a dick. Big deal.”
Sonar turned back from his monster form back to his hybrid form. “Sounds like someone is jealous that his dick doesn’t swing like the megabat’s does.”
“Ooor it sounds like someone is jealous Sonar slept with Robert first.”
“He doesn’t remember! It doesn’t count!”
“He’s got my claw marks, it absolutely counts. Because the sex was great.”
“Don’t say that!” Robert said loudly, “It makes me more pissed off that I don’t remember it!”
The whole Z-Team laughed at him, Malevola ruffling his hair. As soon as she pulled her hand away Sonar leaned against his back and draped himself across Robert, his head resting against Robert’s back.
“We should have a repeat performance. For your sake. And mine. Please for mine.”
“Hey- hey whoa! I’m the one who talked about sex first!” Invisigal protested.
“But I already had sex with him so I got dibs!”
“He doesn’t remember so it doesn’t count!”
“Sucks to suck, Invisibitch!”
Robert turned to Flambae, his face desperately confused. But Flambae wasn’t looking at him, but was trying to swat off Sonar.
As soon as Robert was free from Sonar he fled from where he was sitting to stand behind Coop.
“Remember at the bar when you said-”
Coop patted his arm and tugged him down to sit next to her before he finished his sentence. “I will protect you with my life.”
“Thanks you’re my new favorite.”
“Hey!”
“Not Fair!”
“Aw Robbo.”
Invisigal, Sonar and Flambae all protested. Prism cackled, her phone up as she recorded the whole thing.
“I will admit. I thought I was going to be roasted alive when I told you all who I was.”
All eyes turned to Flambae, and the man just shrugged. “Eh. Maybe if we hadn’t gotten into that parking lot fight. And you offered to hate fuck me.”
“What? No fair! Flambae got a hate fuck offer?” Sonar complained.
“Well he took the parking lot brawl so it’s not on the table anymore.”
“Wait-” Flambae stood up fast, “-Wait no I’m still pissed. I’m going to light you on fire if you don’t hatefuck me.”
“I am not hate fucking anyone now!”
“Boo!” Invisigal threw a crumpled up napkin at Robert then leaned forward “What about hookups?”
“Uuugh what is with you all? This joke isn’t funny anymore,” Robert complained.
The group looked among each other with a look Robert couldn’t decipher.
“Alright Robert. Let's get your drunk ass home,” Prism said, “That way you can be well rested for the inevitable hatefuck.”
Robert simply groaned.
He luckily managed to keep anyone from entering his apartment. The team seeing it would be something he wanted to deal with later, not right now. But they do know where he lives now, so that’s fun.
He curled up on his futon, making a content sound when Beef climbed up the bed stairs and curled up with him. He was so tired. He was drunk and concussed and he was going to probably be feeling this tomorrow at the mall.
But that was tomorrow him’s problem. Right now he had to be responsible, considering what was at stake.
He shifted to get more comfortable, Beef snoring away. He grabbed his phone and kept it charging, but got to work.
Most of the cameras around the docks were unprotected, so hacking into them was a piece of cake. It was barely even considered hacking, really. But it still was, he supposed, if you used a backdoor.
All quiet on the western front, or whatever. The waterfront. Wester. Water. He was too out of it to care.
He nearly dropped his phone when he got a notification. A direct deposit into his bank account. It startled him so bad that he dropped his phone, swiping the notification.
What the fuck. Why was he getting paid? He wasn’t the first time around. So why was he getting paid this time?
Not like he lived very long to be able to actually use the money. But whatever.
Well fuck. Alright. He needed to check how much was coming in so he could budget. Maybe he could actually stock up on some food- maybe. He hasn’t been able to keep his fridge full. He had spent so much money on his suit he hadn’t been able to focus on eating as healthy as he should. Having to switch from fresh food and vegetables to prepackaged things he tended to binge eat what he did have.
Sometimes he got busy with hero work and forgot to eat and then it went bad. Sue him.
He opened his banking app and almost dropped his phone again. That couldn’t be right. At all.
He fumbled for his phone- he needed to call someone- if they overpaid him it would look bad on him and then they would overdraft him-
“Boy do you know what time it is-”
“Chase they overpaid me-” he blurted out.
“What? Kid what the fuck. Slow down. Start from the beginning.”
“My paycheck just hit my account and they overpaid me. There’s like. $1300 in this paycheck. I think they double paid me- who do I talk to about this I can’t get in trouble with money right now-”
“Hey hey- take a deep breath. I wanna hear you take a deep breath.”
Robert took a shaky deep, counted in, let out. Still shaky.
“Alright. Damn. Blazer works fast. Didn’t think you’d be on this pay week.”
“I didn’t think I’d be getting paid at all Chase. Not with SDN fixing the suit.”
“Bitch the fuck? Of course they’re paying you. How much did you get into your account again?”
“$1300.”
“Right. That sounds like a little less than a normal dispatcher would make in a week. But with the whole Mecha Man suit thing it makes sense. What’s the big fuss about?”
Robert was silent for a moment, his hand shaking, before finally replying. “I don’t understand.”
“...Holy shit Robert you were gonna work at SDN without getting paid?”
Yes. Yes he was. That’s what he had done.
“Jesus Christ, Robert,” Chase said after a long moment of Robert not answering. “Well. It’s less than a dispatcher makes, but congratulations! You’re getting paid!”
“Fuck.”
“Go to fucking sleep and buy yourself something nice. Asshole. Waking me up at fuck you in the morning. Love you Beef!”
Chase ended the phone call, leaving Robert alone with his dog.
What the fuck? What caused this change?