Chapter Text
If Renee didn't know any better, she might have thought that this apartment had never been inhabited. There was no furniture and the simple fixtures of the apartment were covered in a thin coat of dust.
In her world, it looked much different. Her mismatched chairs would still be huddled around the dining table with an odd leg and there would be a burn mark on the kitchen backsplash from a failed cooking endeavour. Even then, both apartments were equally without warmth.
Natalie piped up, "we're lucky I still had a key laying around."
Renee nodded and skimmed a finger along the dust left on the kitchen tiles. "How long has this place been empty?" She asked although the question came out more fragile than she anticipated.
"Oh, let me think," she considered as she moved further into the living room. "About five months I think."
"No one's moved in since then?"
Natalie shook her head, "not yet. Though I suppose that works out better for us."
It was off-putting staring at the apartment while it was so empty. For all its faults, even her apartment had some comfort in its familiarity. It didn't matter now, it would fine soon when she would see it back to normal again. Things could go back to just how they used to be.
If that was even what she wanted anymore.
"Renee?" She asked tentatively. "Are you alright?"
She blinked and her head snapped towards where Natalie was standing as if she had been calling to her for a while. She winced, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you nervous."
"You don't need to apologise," she said with an easy wave, "I just wanted to see if you were alright."
"I'm fine," she said simply. She flexed the muscles in her hand, the energy was there and it was eager to be dispersed. "I just need to focus now."
Renee didn't realise that Natalie had gotten close until she felt a tugging at her wrist. "Talk to me for a moment," Natalie said gently.
She took a long inhale, "alright."
It only took another moment Renee to relax, resting her weight on her heels while she leaned back against the kitchen counter.
"I know you're anxious to leave here," she murmured, "but rushing into this won't help."
Renee narrowed her eyes, "I know."
And she did. As much as she was used to scolding her teammates, normally Mirage, for recklessness, she had to admit that she was just as prone to it.
"You're going to open a portal now?" Natalie asked.
"I think - I know I can do this now," she told her. "Decide a start and stop point and time for the portal."
The engineer gave her a shaky smile, "be sure to take your time. You know that I'll be here for you if you want to stop and try later again."
"I can't."
The grip on her wrist tightened, "sit down with me-"
"I can't just 'sit down' right now when I'm so close to fixing this," she snapped. "How can you even talk about waiting right now?"
"Because I care about you!" Natalie shouted, raising her voice for the first time since Renee had been here. "And it's not simply because you're some alternate version of my wife. I'm trying to keep you safe why don't you care about that?"
When Renee swallowed all she felt was a dry itchiness coating her throat. "I appreciate everything that you've-"
"No, you don't understand!" She exclaimed. "It's not appreciation I want, I want you to care about what happens to you. I want to know that you care about the risks because I can barely watch you risk your life but you seem to be ready to do it so easily."
"You're wrong," Renee said but she could barely raise her voice in response. "You barely know me."
A sad smile ground its way onto Natalie's face, "maybe not but I think you're scared."
She barely mustered the courage to bark a laugh, "fine, you're right, I'm scared that the void's going to rip me into pieces."
"That's not what I meant."
The hand that wasn't in Natalie's grasp tightened and she was so close to pulling away. Yet she didn't.
"I just want to go home," Renee murmured. "This sort of place…"
"It's me isn't it?" She asked, voice cracked.
She had to keep her eyes off of Natalie. She couldn't look now. Couldn't look in the blue eyes, couldn't face her if she was crying and the idea that she had been the one to make her cry.
She kept her eyes on the white wall ahead of her, "I couldn't be scared of you."
"You're scared of what I might mean," she continued, "of what this place might mean."
"I just want to go back," Renee argued, "that's why I'm doing all of this."
Renee felt a warm hand on her cheek and she didn't resist when Natalie slowly turned her head toward her. When she saw her face, her breath stuttered.
Her first thought was that Natalie wasn't crying.
Her eyes were full with a kind of brightness that Renee couldn't label as anything but love. The smile on her face wasn't forced at all. She had no idea how the other legend in front of her managed to remain so patient and sweet.
Natalie closed her eyes for a moment before she looked back up, "do you want things to stay the same when you go back?"
When she answered her voice was wet, "I don't know."
"Maybe not yet," Natalie assured her, "but I know that you'll figure it out."
And at that Renee was tempted to give roll her eyes or shake her head, except when she met the other legend's eyes, they were wide and sincere. It was a squirming and uncomfortable feeling, something she wasn't used to and she didn't think she ever would be.
She'd considered facing it before during those nights with Elliott and Pathfinder. When Elliott was rambling about some story, she would consider raising her voice. She'd repeat over and over in her mind that they'd listen to her and she knew that there was barely a chance of judgment.
But that was still a chance.
And while there was still a chance, she never dared to explain anything to them. Somehow, she could understand that this version of her had been different. She had Natalie in her life to speak to after all.
So instead of ignoring her or changing the conversation, Renee said, "I hope so."
"If you're anything like my wife, I know that there are all these things that you're dealing with," she told her, "but please try to remember that you need to put yourself first…I'm not sure I even know what I'm saying."
She managed to put on a shaky smile, "I know what you mean and I'll remember it."
"Are you sure you're ready to do this today?" Natalie asked.
"I am now."
Renee took a few steps back from her and headed to rest her weight on the door. Before she could take more than two steps, she felt a hand tug at her shoulder and she faced Natalie for just a moment before she was embraced in a crushing hug.
The air was pushed out of her lungs and her hands stayed uselessly at her side. Renee knew that the other legend was the same height as she was. Yet during the games, she had always felt that Natalie was smaller, more fragile than she was, something to be protected.
Her hands oddly fit around Natalie's back and she let out a small exhale when the other woman squeezed her tighter. She never thought that she would feel that way or that she would even like feeling that. It was a feeling of protection, of safety.
It didn't last long enough. When Natalie pulled away she almost wanted to ask her to come close again. She knew that she shouldn't, that she had something else that she needed to focus on right now.
She remembered what Natalie had told her earlier, she knew how to focus on that voice in her head.
She took a few steps back from Natalie and began to take deep breaths. She followed the steps from last time, tracing back to that other version of her that she knew existed. The woman who wanted to go home, just like her.
The voice came to her before she could speak, a simple command, "start at the wall-"
"-And end at the door," she finished.
She moved over to the rest a hand on the wall while the other reached out in front of her. There was a certain fear of mistiming but she was also reassured by the connection between the two of them. If she could trust herself then she had to trust this other version of her to keep in time and place.
She could almost feel both of them breathing in time. She didn't hesitate when she heard a single word, an order, in her mind.
"Now."
She began the portal at the wall and paced forwards, she knew that Natalie was watching her with a nervous smile on her face. It was all the reassurance she needed to finish setting the portal at the door.
It only took a second to step back, trusting that the other version of her would do the same, and she began to fall.
-
Natalie was waiting for Renee on the other side. She had chosen that old apartment to meet in for the sake of simplicity but she had never been more grateful to leave. Her home was their apartment after all and she was so giddy with energy as she embraced her wife and slipped back on her wedding ring.
Natalie didn't ask too many questions and Renee was thankful, there would be another time to talk about what exactly happened. That would come after they returned to their bed with a steaming mug each. There Renee asked her to fill the silence with stories, little anecdotes that made her feel warm and always contained a pun.
What came after felt strangely natural. They started dinners again with Doctor Nox and Renee continued knitting again and barely got better but Natalie lovingly wore each piece she made. It was such an easy rhythm to fall into that she almost forgot that about the games.
She almost flinched when Natalie reminded her that they had a game the following week.
Still, she made it onto the dropship again with Natalie by her side.
"You sure you don't want to take today off?" She asked Renee for the fourth time since they'd left the apartment that morning.
And for the fourth time, she answered, "I'm fine Nat."
Her wife's intimidating set up and gear was all but ruined when she puffed her cheeks out in frustration. "If you want to take the day off I really will make them turn this dropship around," she promised her.
She didn't bother muffling her laugh at all, "I really am alright."
"After what happened last time…"
"We'll be alright," Renee promised her, "we were last time and I know we always will be."
Natalie opened her mouth again but there was a short alarm that dragged their attention over to the consoles which listed the team groupings. She scanned for her name first, finding it alongside Lifeline and Bangalore, a reliable team and familiar one too.
Mirage was already making noise and was calling over Natalie and Pathfinder, his own teammates. It only took another second for Natalie to kiss her on the cheek, for luck as she said, and to straighten her scarf, to make sure she didn't strangle herself as she also brightly added.
Before Natalie took another step, Renee couldn't help but calling out, "Mirage?"
"Huh? What is it?" He asked her, she didn't miss his nervousness, it was probably the only time she'd called to him outside of a match.
"I'm thinking Old Ark's," she said simply.
He only blinked at her, "what?"
"That tiny place with the broken air conditioner," she continued while thinking back to that dinner in that other world that she'd spent with those legends. "You know it?
"Yeah I know it," he said warily.
"Your team can pay the bill if our team places higher than yours," she told him, "otherwise if you place higher then we'll pay for it."
Lifeline and Bangalore were already heading over to her, adjusting their gear for the last time before the match would begin. Lifeline had overheard the conversation and was holding a fierce grin on her face while Bangalore was rolling her eyes.
Renee thought back to that night in that other reality and as terrifying as it had been, that dinner between the other legends had been a reprieve. It might have been foolish to imitate something that belonged to a different reality but at the same time, Renee hadn't been able to keep her mind off of that night.
She had built a relationship with Natalie, one that years ago she would have never thought was possible. Then there had been dinners with Doctor Nox as well but somewhere along the way she had decided that was enough. That she didn't have enough in her to reach out to the other legends in the same way.
But that was wrong, wasn't it?
"Wait you're starting a bet?" Mirage asked her. "Uh, wouldn't you be betting against your wife?"
She smiled lazily, "if you're too scared-"
"Hey, I'm not scared!"
Before he could continue to argue, Path pulled his attention away as they settled together by their side of the dropship where Natalie would need to join them soon.
Natalie gave her a funny smile and said, "you know we share an account right? No matter which one of our teams win, we're both going to end up paying."
"I promise that it'll be worth it," she murmured.
"I'm sure it will," she agreed, "and you'll be careful setting portals down there?"
She nodded, "as careful as I can be."
"I know, I know," Natalie settled before she hesitated for a moment longer, "do…Do you ever think about what happened to those two?"
Renee didn't need to ask who she was referring to. "I'm sure those two crazy kids worked out fine," she told her.
"Hey Watts," Lifeline warned her, "if you stick with us for a little longer ya' gonna end up dropping with us instead of ya' team."
"Oh! Of course!" She realised. "I'll see you at dinner then!"
She gave a quick kiss to her cheek and a wave before she started jogging backwards towards Mirage and Pathfinder. She knew that her other two teammates were probably rolling her eyes behind her but not even that could wipe the giddy smile off of her face.
They were going to be alright, no matter where they were.
-
No one was waiting for Renee on the other side.
Her apartment was just as she remembered it though that didn't give her any comfort. She glanced back at the portal behind her and as her eyes met the darkening void she felt her vision waver.
Her legs gave out next but she barely felt the impact of her knees hitting the ground. The rush of the void hit her a second later, it had been different travelling this time. A greater fall, a harder rush of gravity coming back to meet her.
The numbness in her body left her gradually, she felt it on her face first. A cold feeling on her face as if she'd fallen straight into icy water. Her vision evened out slowly while her hands grasped at the ground, trying to reach upwards to reach something - no that wasn't it - she wanted Natalie to be there.
She didn't expect a hand to touch her shoulder, too large, not at all like Natalie's should have been.
Was this even her apartment?
If it wasn't, she wasn't leaving her safety to chance. Her hand smacked out and the weight on her shoulder immediately retreated with a yelping sound.
When she blinked again her vision seemed to return to her, the numbness was still fading and leaving an aftermath of pins and needles. It was a wrong and raw feeling but it allowed her to focus her gaze on the intruders in her apartment.
"Holy shit is it the wrong one?," Elliott breathed out as he took the opportunity to hide behind Pathfinder's taller form. "Do we do it again?"
She narrowed her eyes but still let out a breath of relief, "no it's me you idiot."
"Are you sure?" He asked again. "Like double and triple sure?"
"I swapped with the right one didn't I?" She asked and winced when she heard how desperate she sounded. "She should've just taken the portal to leave-"
"A moment ago," he confirmed. "She was pretty ready to get going so we just waited here for something to happen. But I guess it worked since you showed up."
Pathfinder took the opportunity to extend his arms which held a small container, "would like some pancakes Renee?"
Her reality was just as she had left it. She wouldn't have to worry anymore.
The thought bought her a small smile and she waved away the MRVN, "I'm fine for now Path. But thanks."
"So are you okay and all 'cause-" Elliott began but she was already nodding and pulling herself from the ground.
"Yeah, I'm good, perfect, wonderful," she said until she realised that she should stop rambling, "actually I should go. Right now."
Elliott laughed nervously, his eyes switching between her's and Pathfinder's, "nuh-uh maybe sitting down would be a good call right now."
She shook her head and started heading for the door, "I should find Natalie."
Find her before this anxious adrenaline could wear off and she would back away again. She needed to say something now, it was a restless feeling, as undeniable as the void itself.
"I wish you good luck!" Pathfinder exclaimed before giving her a double thumbs-up, which of course resulted in him dropping the pancake container to the ground and a resulting sigh from Elliott.
"Maybe you shouldn't…" Elliott seemed to start to warn her but hesitated. "Actually, you know what? Go crazy I'm sure you'll figure it out."
Renee barely heard the start of his sentence before she was already out of the door and heading to the elevator. It was closed which only briefly stopped her before she started climbing up the stairs. From what she could remember Natalie lived four floors above her, easy to reach.
It was ridiculous to think that she could try to mirror what they had in that other reality. She knew it was a far gone fantasy, something that she might imagine late at night when everything went quiet.
But if there was a chance that she could live out a fraction of that warm joy that she knew was out there, she was going to take it. She had no plan, only a wish that she might see her and that when Natalie looked back, she would see Renee and smile.
When she reached Natalie's floor she started knocking randomly at doors, she wasn't even sure which one it was and she was probably waking people up at this hour as well. Still, she couldn't find it in her to care.
She had just finished knocking on another door when she heard one open behind her.
"Hello?" Natalie's voice carried down the hall to her.
She had heavy dark circles around her eyes, her hair was hidden by the baggy yellow hood that she was wearing and she looked exhausted but Renee had never been more glad to see her.
Then Natalie's eyes went wide when spotted her further down the hall. The other legend's eyes went wide for a moment before shuffled back into her apartment and slammed the door shut.
That wasn't the reaction that she was expecting.
Renee took a few steps towards Natalie's apartment knocked again, although a little less rushed this time.
"Hello?" She asked.
There was silence on the end for a long moment.
She flexed her wrists and swallowed before she tried again, "can we talk?"
For another moment, she thought that Natalie was intent on ignoring her entirely before she heard a voice from the other side.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
Renee flinched but lifted a hand to keep it resting on the door. "I need to speak to you," she tried again.
To her surprise, the door opened slowly, just wide enough that Natalie could peek her head out of the door.
"What are you doing here?" Natalie mumbled and she rubbed her eyes and only then Renee realised that they were bloodshot.
Her foot tapped anxiously at the carpeted floor as she asked, "can I come in?"
"I don't think we should do that," she said while glancing down the hallway as if she could find a distraction.
"Why not?"
Natalie blinked at her before she drew her mouth into a thin line, "because…I don't want to think about the kiss."
Renee felt like she'd been slapped.
"The kiss?" She repeated.
"You don’t even-" Natalie began but her voice cracked, "n-no, I really can't do this."
The door was already closing in her face and Natalie was getting further away. She stuck a foot in the door at the last moment and kept her hand on the edge of it to stop it from fully closing.
She leaned forward and her grip on the door shook, "please, I can explain everything just let me in for a few minutes."
When Natalie's face turned back to look at her she could only feel grateful that she still had a chance. When she opened the door, Renee didn't hesitate to duck around the door and with a small 'thanks'.
She stood aimlessly around the room, not sure if she should take a seat or continue standing there. Natalie's back was resting against the door and Renee might not have exactly been a people person, but she knew what discomfort looked like.
"So-"
Natalie didn't hesitate to interrupt her, "I'm sorry about what happened last night. I didn't think and I should have and you don't have to say anything because I'm not going to tell anyone-"
"I wasn't here last night," Renee interrupted her.
The engineer's eyes narrowed painfully, "you don't remember?"
"No," she told her, "I really wasn't even here in the first place."
Natalie wrapped her hands around her waist as if she was going to be sick and said, "if you want me to pretend that it never happened then I can do that. But please don't talk around me like that."
Renee shook her head in frustration. She should've thought this over in her head, should've made a plan to everything that Natalie might have asked because she had to do this right.
"Alright, there isn't an easy way to describe this but I'll try," she began and took a deep breath, "yesterday I went through a portal and I swapped places with another version of myself from an alternate reality. I only got back a few minutes ago."
Natalie's eyebrows raised and then narrowed again, completely unimpressed.
The blonde squeezed her eyes shut and took another breath, "that is by far, the worst excuse anyone has ever used on me."
"It's true," Renee said but her words sounded weak in her ears.
Natalie huffed and shook her head, "and somehow I believe you, but I still have to say that it's a bad excuse for dignity's sake."
"I'm sorry but I don't know what happened last night," she apologised.
She winced and hugged her hands around her waist tighter, "maybe we can just forget about it then."
"She tried to kiss you?"
"The other way around," Natalie corrected after a slight pause. "And then she ran away."
Renee lifted her hands in the air like her body was thinking before her mind was. She wanted to do something, hold her and say all the right things.
That hand ended up at her temple, rubbing small circles, "that…That makes sense, she's married in the other world."
"Oh."
"To you."
"Oh!"
Natalie pointed at herself with a confused look and added, "me? Are you sure?"
"Those versions of us were married," she explained and her body felt so very heavy. Would Natalie even believe her? Renee wouldn't have if someone had told her.
Natalie was tugging at the strings of her hoodie while shifting her weight from side to side, "I should have known something was wrong. You - she was acting different last night."
"Makes sense," she added.
"I can't imagine what that would be like," Natalie murmured. "I knew a bit about your abilities but I never thought something like that could happen."
Renee took a few slow steps closer to her and explained, "I don't expect anything from you. I don't think that we have to be same as them, I'm not trying to force some reality on you and pretend that it's destiny."
"But you're here," Natalie mumbled.
"Before I went there," she started, "I thought about you. A lot. When I was there I was scared and not just because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to come back. It was because I regretted that I wouldn't be able to tell you how I felt. I don't want to be a coward anymore."
Natalie shook her head, "I never would've thought you were a coward."
"I should've said something earlier," she told her.
"Well," she said with a hesitant smile, "then maybe I should've kissed you earlier."
Renee felt her knees weaken and she swayed in her place for a second, "you would've?"
"I tried to last night," she said. "So why not?"
"I-," Renee started and then paused, "I didn't think I'd get this far."
Natalie's laugh bubbled up and she dropped her hands from the strings on her hoodie that she was tugging at.
"We could do something," Renee continued, a smile growing on her face, "do you like coffee? There's a place nearby or there's a restaurant…But it's breakfast so that won't work. I'm not even asking what you want to do, which I should-"
She only stopped speaking when Natalie's hands reached to cradle her face in her hands and pulled her into a kiss. It took Renee a moment to get over the fact that it really was Natalie Paquette that was kissing her before she could respond.
She raised a hand to comb through the hair on the back of Natalie's head while she drew her into a deeper kiss. It was too short and Renee was so close to giving a disappointed whine when Natalie pulled away.
Natalie was just so…Her hood had been pulled back, leaving her messy hair down for Renee to comb through while she admired her. She looked completely perfect.
With a lazy smile, Renee buried her head into her neck which made Natalie give out a laugh.
"Are you going to stay there?" Natalie asked her and lifted a hand to rub between Renee's shoulder blades.
"You…" She mumbled into her shoulder before she lifted her head up. "You are just so cute."
Natalie gave her a sweet smile and leaned back up to pepper small kisses all across Renee's face. "I'm not the only cute one," Natalie teased her.
"I'm not really a 'cute' kind of person," she said with a small laugh, although she didn't stop Natalie from continuing to map a path of kisses on her face.
Natalie shook her head when she drew back, "you are the cutest person I know."
"Whatever you say," she mumbled and leaned back into kiss her again but Natalie pressed a finger against her lips to silence her.
"I mean that," she assured her, "you are so cute, so smart, so perfect."
She nodded with a laugh, "alright, I'm cute. You win. Does this mean that you'll get coffee with me?
She seemed to consider that for a moment. "I think I'd rather stay inside," she said and then added, "with you of course. I have tea, hot chocolate, coffee and basically everything and I have this documentary that's about- or is that boring? We can just go to a café-"
"I love the idea of a documentary with you," Renee interrupted her and the shy smile that appeared on Natalie's face only made her own smile brighter. "Also if you want I have dinosaur nuggets in my fridge."
Natalie asked, "dinosaur nuggets?"
"They're cheaper than regular nuggets," she explained, "and they're the only thing in my fridge I can offer you right now."
"Nuggets and warm mugs," she hummed, "I could bring out some warm blankets in my room for the couch too."
Renee nodded and shifted her feet around her, "I'll grab them and I'll be back in a few minutes."
Natalie stopped her before she could run out of the apartment, "or I could come with you and we could get them together?"
Hadn't she been afraid of something as simple as showing someone else her apartment just yesterday? Right now she didn't feel any of those insecurities around Natalie, it was almost like she had never known them in the first place.
"That sounds even better," she said softly.
The two of them left the apartment together, heading towards the stairs when Natalie told her, "you'll have to help me with my TV when we get back. I've never had a piece of tech that I've struggled with more than it. I always end up rebooting it over and over until it works."
Renee's hand moved at her side, easily and comfortably slipping into Natalie's as if it had always belonged there.
"That's fine," Renee promised her, "we have all the time in the world."