sssnowjanus
Recent bookmarks
-
Tags
Summary
Gary groaned into his pillow, and ignored the look that Rank had shot his way. Two fucking hours of his life wasted on going through online dictionaries just to learn that Parker introduced himself like a normal fucking human being.
He had figured it out, he could close the laptop, forget about it all and go to sleep. But… He could also go through the fingerspelled alphabet, just in case Parker needed to spell something to him again. It would be easier that way, that's all. It didn’t mean anything more.
He didn’t close his laptop until he had all the letters of the alphabet memorized.
or; gary barkovitch finds one person on campus who doesnt immediately hate him and he is determined to change that. even if it means learning a new language
Bookmarked by sssnowjanus
11 Mar 2026
Bookmarker's Notes
Gary’s stomach twisted uncomfortably when he watched as one of the guys took the pen and scribbled something on the paper, sliding it over to Parker. Parker read it, wrote something back, passed it along. The whole thing was so fucking pathetic it made him furious. They were chatting non-stop amongst themselves, and all that Parker got was a one sentence long scribble on a paper from time to time. He wasn’t a part of the conversation, no matter how hard they wanted to pretend. He could just as well be sitting alone.
Gary knew a little too well how that could feel like.
[…]
Parker noticed him too, his eyes lifting to follow everyone’s gazes. But unlike them, his whole face broke into a grin.
Gary froze. Nobody smiled at him like that, ever. Heat rushed to his face. He covered his awkwardness with scowling even harder at all of them.
He focused all of his attention on Collie, deciding to ignore the other guys. He pressed his palm flat to his chest, signing my in sign language. Then he repeated the sign that Parker had used when introducing himself, tapping his index and middle fingers on both hands together, name. Then, came the difficult part. He wanted to execute his finger spelling perfectly. He poised his hand and slowly, but carefully, signed each letter of his name separately, G-A-R-Y. He wasn’t as crazy as to even attempt spelling his surname, he would only embarrass himself.
The shapes he put his hand in felt clumsy, but his pulse hammered at the sheer fact of doing it. As the last word, he added the sign for dickhead. He didn’t want Parker to think that they were on friendly terms.
Collie’s eyes lit. They fucking twinkled, like something delighted in him. His smile got even more blinding.
Gary’s chest tightened. What the fuck was his deal?
♡
He swore that even in the hallway he could still hear Parker’s laugh trailing after him. His laugh was carefree and… pretty. Collie Parker had a pretty laugh.
♡
“I expect all of you to pair up,” the professor’s voice cut through his thoughts. “Pairs or groups of three, no more, no less. Except for you, Mr. Parker, of course. You may do this project alone.”
Gary’s jaw clenched. What. The. Fuck. Treating Parker like he was… what? Too much trouble? Too slow? Unable to work with someone else? The way that the professor singled Parker out in front of the whole class, it was bullying. Gary was well versed in it, he would recognize it anywhere. Maybe the teacher hadn’t meant it that way, but he could imagine exactly how Collie might feel, sitting there with everyone's eyes on him.
He tapped him on the shoulder and when Collie turned to him, he signed, 'Do you want to do this P-R-O-J-E-C-T together?'
♡
Parker typed something and then spun the laptop around for Gary to see the screen. There was an opened Word document with: Maybe you want to type today. Easier for you. written on it.
Gary shook his head. He ignored the laptop and signed, 'No. I want to learn.'
Collie looked at him like he had hung the moon.
♡
When Collie’s eyes were on him, Gary began translating in ASL whatever it was that Baker was talking about. It wasn’t perfect, it felt clumsy, but at the end of Baker’s story Parker laughed with the rest of them.
McVries started talking. “Oh Art, that reminded me, tomorrow is that festival…”, and Gary resumed his translation.
He barely signed the first word, when he was stopped by Collie’s hand on his. The pressure of Parker’s fingers on his own sent a flush crawling up his arms. He licked his lips, nervous. Excited.
'You don’t have to do that. You will get tired.' Collie signed gently.
Gary rolled his eyes and signed, 'I don’t mind.'
At the disbelieving look at Collie’s face, he continued, 'Really. It’s good practice. And I want to hear your laugh.'
He realized only then how that might have sounded. Parker’s face blushed, matching Gary’s own.
♡
'That time you said that you hate my stupid face, remember?' Collie started signing, and Gary nodded. He remembered. 'I told you that I thought your face was pretty.'
That part Gary didn’t remember, but… He remembered Collie had signed something that he didn’t understand at the time. He assumed it was also an insult.
♡
It wasn’t like anything he had ever experienced, alone or with a girl. He couldn’t believe he had been denying himself this for so long. He felt like could go on forever, making up for all the years he had missed out on. He could spend eternity just kissing Collie Parker.
-
Tags
Summary
He could feel the pounding headache, the burn in his lungs and his organs failing him one by one.
But he couldn’t think about any of that.Thinking meant slowing down. And slowing down meant dying.
He had to keep walking, until he was the only one still walking, their winner.
Then they would all see him for what he was: the best. Better than all the other boys.or: Barkovitch and Parker are the last ones walking in the Long Walk.
Bookmarked by sssnowjanus
11 Mar 2026
Bookmarker's Notes
Gary glanced backward. Garraty’s head rested on McVries’ shoulder, McVries’ arm wrapped around his waist, holding him up. […]
“You say a fucking word to them, and you are dead, Barkovitch.”
♡
How could they be so open about… this? How could they walk with their hands clasped, whispering gay fucking love poems to each other, and just not care? Like it didn’t matter who saw? The whole fucking country was probably watching them through the cameras, seeing their every longing glance at each other. Anytime he saw their touches, it made him sick. But his eyes just naturally came back to them, following their every touch, every press of their arms together. And the longer he did look, the harder it became to agree with his father’s words.
♡
[…] It didn’t look like a rescue. He dropped down beside Garraty, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close.
The warnings for numbers twenty-three and forty-seven began.
[…]
When the third warning came, Gary turned his head away, refusing to watch. He didn’t even lift his camera. They deserved that much privacy.
Two gunshots were heard through the air, one after the other.
♡
“Do you mind if I take your photo?” Collie asked, holding up Gary’s camera. Gary had forgotten he still had it.
“Why?”
“Because everyone’s in these pics, except for you. You are also worth remembering, you know that, right?”
[…]
“You look so pretty here. It’s a shame there’s no more photos of you.”
Gary got his camera back, but Collie’s words echoed in his head long after.
[…]
So why did his heart sped up at the word? Why did he feel so flustered? This simple word made him feel so good. He found that he didn’t mind being called that. Even if it was girly, or gay, or whatever. So what? He tried to ignore his father’s voice booming in his head, listing all the reasons why he should mind.
Maybe boys could be pretty too. Maybe he could be. And maybe Parker really thought that he was pretty.
He tried to focus on his steps, one foot after the other, trying and failing to stop the small smile that showed on his face.
♡
Collie smiled faintly. “I would show you around Sioux Falls, take you on a boat ride through the river there. It’s so much fun. We could even go on walks, walks that have a finish line.” He kicked a small stone forward with the tip of his shoe. He seemed shy all of a sudden. Then, he added, “I like walking with you.”
“I like walking with you, too,” Gary tried not to think about how it sounded. Too earnest, too vulnerable, too gay. He told himself it was just friendly, just words between two tired boys. But when Collie’s cheeks flushed slightly in the moonlight, his heart skipped.
♡
Oh God, he’d ruined it, misunderstood everything, and now he will get punched and called a—
But then Collie’s hand returned, sliding into his. This time their fingers intertwined, warm and sure. Neither of them spoke. They didn’t need to.
♡
And with that, Gary’s resolve dissolved. He didn’t need to win anymore. He had already gotten everything he’d ever wanted—a friend, someone who cared. Like he was worth remembering. And his meemaw would get her treatment. That was all that truly mattered to him, anyway.
And Collie had a family, a community to help him work through his grief. Gary knew that Parker would be alright, after some time. Collie could still learn to be alright in this life.
But Gary knew that he would only be alright in that other life, the life with bonfires and camping trips with friends. He thought of Matthew and how it ended for him. He didn’t think he would wait the two years before killing himself.
♡
“Get the fuck up, man!” Parker’s voice cracked, as he tried to get him up. Gary shook his head weakly.
“I’m really sorry,” Gary said. “This could only end in one of two ways, and this one is better. Go home. Hug your mom.”
[…]
Collie stopped fighting, realizing it was for nothing. He just looked back at him and began to sing, his voice soft and mournful. Gary didn’t know the words, but he guessed it was a Lakota song. He understood what it symbolized, though.
Gary focused only on Collie’s tear-streaked face and on his voice, singing for him. The camera hung around Collie’s neck now, a piece of him that would stay with Parker forever. And a record of all the other boys. He hoped it would bring Collie comfort, to carry these memories with him. So that all forty-nine of them weren’t just ghosts to him. So that he could remember them all alive, not only dead.
[…]
He didn’t even hear the Major’s final words. He didn’t hear the gunshot.
All he heard was Collie’s voice, still singing for him.
-
Tags
Summary
Through the years, Collie and Gary keep crossing paths, watching each other grow and change.
or; 5 times Collie Parker and Gary Barkovitch met by accident + 1 time it was planned
Bookmarked by sssnowjanus
10 Mar 2026
Bookmarker's Notes
Collie’s least favorite day of the year had arrived; the local town’s school field trip to the reservation. A few times a year, businessmen also came for their business getaway weekends, but Collie was never required to attend those. The school visits though, his parents asked him to accompany them ever since he was eight years old. It had quickly become his most hated day of the year.
He always felt like an animal in a zoo, ogled by people who turned everything he loved about his culture into a joke.
[…]
He thought of his grandfather, who, after a few too many beers, would give them long speeches about how they were trapped here by the same people who now looked at them with those pitying eyes, pretending it wasn’t their fault.
Collie wanted nothing more than to yell at them You did this to us!
♡
His actions had consequences. Barkovitch’s did not.
Happy fucking birthday to him.
♡
They reached a clearing in the forest where bluebelles bloomed. The air felt lighter there. It was breathtaking.
Gary immediately pulled out his camera, snapping photos. “These are my favorite flowers,” he said, actually smiling. Collie felt breathless looking at his smile.
[…]
There was a flash, and he realized that Gary had taken a photo of him. His heart skipped a beat. Collie didn’t comment on it.
♡
Collie leaned in, his fingers brushing Barkovitch’s jaw and cheeks as he dabbed it with the soaked bandage. Gary shivered at the touch. Somehow, it felt like the most intimate thing he had ever done, even though had kissed a girl before. With tongue. And yet, this felt… bigger. He swallowed hard. His skin prickled in places that it touched Gary’s face.
“It’s a shame,” Collie murmured, not knowing what overcame him. “That we have to take it off. You look… pretty. Like this.”
And Gary really did. He had a face made for makeup, soft, with long eyelashes. Collie wished he could have seen him all ‘prettied up’ by his cousin, made into a princess, glitter and polish, maybe even a smile on his face.
♡
Their eyes met. Bark O’Bitch, the scenic persona, didn’t falter in her steps. But Gary’s eyes kept coming back to him, each glance sending shivers through his body. He had to bite back a moan that wanted to escape him when Gary hiked up his dress and playfully caressed his leg to the sounds of Britney singing I’m a slave for you, I cannot hold it, I cannot control it.
Gary danced closer to them, down on his knees now, rocking his hips in a sinful way. Collie found himself holding out his cash, following his friends’ advice, unsure what else to do. Gary took it with a smirk and tucked it into his bra, their eyes locked the entire time.
Collie mouthed pretty at him. Gary’s grin widened as he turned away and sauntered off to the next group of people.
That’s when Collie saw it. The bracelet. The same one Barkovitch had bought from his parent’s stand all those years ago, and now he had it on his wrist.
♡
“I remember going home that day and imagining what you must have looked like, all dolled up by your cousin.”
“Did that turn you on?” Gary’s eyes searched Collie’s face.
He swallowed hard and gave a small nod.
“Do you still think I’m pretty?”
Collie nodded again.
“Then why did Pete say that you were straight?”
That question snapped Collie out of his daze. “I mean, I—I am. Or well, I don’t know. I really thought I was. I’ve never been with a guy, never even wanted to.” He took a shaky breath. “Until tonight.”
Gary’s eyes lit up. “Oh, thank fucking god.” And then he kissed Collie.
It was like the whole world stopped. All that existed was the warmth of Barkovitch’s hands cupping his face, the soft brush of his hair, their noses bumping into each other. Collie kissed him back, desperate to show him he wanted this, wanted him. He pulled Gary by his hair and deepened the kiss.
♡
“For me, it was when we were seventeen,” Collie said. He took Gary’s hand into his own, stroking it softly. “After that time whenI helped you when your bitch of a father beat you up. I didn’t realize it back then, but I remember that you made me so confused. And after that day, I always checked the local newspaper to make sure you weren’t dead. You really scared me when you said you would go back home.”
-
The More I Get Of You, The Stranger It Feels by avoidance
Fandoms: The Long Walk (Movie 2025)
10 Mar 2026
Tags
Summary
“I think I’m homophobic.”
Hank chokes on his orange juice. He frantically looks around before leaning in, lowering his voice to an exaggerated whisper. “Dude, what the fuck? We’re on a college campus, you can’t just say shit like that in public."
“Yeah, well, it’s not like I want to be!”, Ray hisses back, matching Hank’s tone.
“So what on God’s green earth are you talking about?”
Ray sighs and leans back in his seat. “It’s just– Pete came out to me like a month ago, right? And since then, I just get this sinking feeling in my stomach whenever he mentions that he’s hanging out with some– guy. Well, obviously not when he meets up with you or Art, but like, guys I don't know. This Harkness kid that was glued to his ass after his gig? I hated seeing them together. Or when he tells me he goes to the gym with Collie Parker, it’s like I feel disgusted by the idea of them even being near each other. When his friend came to visit, I couldn’t stand being in the same room as them. It makes me sick imagining him– him being intimate with any of them.”
Hank stares at him.
Bookmarked by sssnowjanus
10 Mar 2026
Bookmarker's Notes
“How come you never asked me about—”, he gestures to the scar on his face, “—this before?”
“I thought it would be rude. Do people actually ask?”
“Pretty much the first thing anyone ever asks me”
Ray almost prides himself in the fact that the first thing he noticed about Pete were his eyes—well, that and his biceps.
♡
Ray breathes, his eyes burning. This isn’t fair. Pete is the kindest person he has ever met. He didn’t deserve any of this. No one deserves this.
[…]
“My foster mom cried and prayed and my foster dad—he completely lost his shit. Punched me, kicked me when I fell down. Called me names. And when I tried to run away, he threw three empty beer bottles after me. One shattered on the wall next to me, one shattered on my shoulder and one on my cheek. I got lucky with what I got”. Pete tugs his shirt to the side, revealing similar scars to the one in his face under his right collarbone.
♡
“But—I don’t understand, he—he did that because you had a crush on someone?” Ray starts, incomprehension and rage bubbling up inside him. “What was that fucker’s problem? That’s just normal teenage—”
Pete lifts his hand to stop him, his eyes shut tightly. It's noticeably hard for him to speak his next words. “It was a boy.”
♡
“I just—why didn't you tell me?”, Ray selfishly asks, though not accusatory, just genuinely wondering. “You could've told me.”
“Well, I don't have exceptionally good experience with people knowing about it, do I?”
[…]
“But you know now that I’d never hurt you, right? I would never.”
Pete tilts his head and gives him a sad smile. “I’ve known that since I first met you, Ray. I was—I was just still scared, you know? I couldn't bring myself to tell you earlier. I didn't want to risk ruining—what we have.”
What we have. Ray lets that sink in for a moment before answering. “Nothing could ruin that—ever", he insists, "You’re my best friend.”
Pete deflates a little, but catches the corners of his mouth right before they can drop down to pull them back into that familiar, absentminded smile.
♡
Since Ray had joined the baseball team, Pete had been going on and on about wanting to see him play. He had actually begged him to let him come to one of their practices before. But Ray’s one condition had always been to take him to a real game first, so he would be able to see how it’s done professionally and not unknowingly praise Ray’s mediocre abilities like Ray knew he would.
♡
He tried really hard not to think about Pete being able to lift weights that were about as heavy as Ray was. Would Pete be able to pick him up?
♡
He dramatically blew a kiss in Pete’s direction, grinning when Pete made a show of catching it. He could almost hear Hank rolling his eyes from behind him on the field.
♡
“My hero”, Pete sung and Ray rolled his eyes, unable to suppress a smile.
Before he could say anything else, Pete came up next to him and ruffled his hair. Ray chuckled as he attempted to flee from his touch.
“Don’t be jealous, Garraty”, […] “You’re great, too.”
♡
“Barkovitch”, Ray replies breathily, as if that is enough of an answer. […] “Said some shit about you.”
Pete scoffs. “So you go ‘round and jump the guy? Fuck’s wrong with you, man?”
“Wanted—wanted to teach him a lesson.” And prove something to myself.
[…] He doesn’t know what exactly he’s apologizing for—for acting weird around him? For being a bigot? For punching Barkovitch? For all of it? It doesn’t seem to matter, because Pete softens immediately, slowly stroking Ray’s cheeks with his thumbs, catching a tear that involuntarily slips out of his eye and wiping it away.
♡
He doesn't mean to blame Pete, he doesn't mean it in a bad way, he just wants Pete to be safe. Not every homophobic asshole is hiding their thoughts like Ray is and he can't handle thinking that Pete might be in danger every time he dances with a boy. Why can't he understand what he's getting at?
“Aren't you scared of getting another one of these?”, Ray says and gestures vaguely to his own face. Admittedly, he could've adjusted his tone a little. It comes out way harsher than intended.
Pete presses his lips together, but not fast enough for Ray to miss the way they began to quiver. A glossy sheen coats his eyes and Ray has never hated himself this much.
-
Tags
Summary
He remembered the gunshot.
He remembered dying. He had died, he was sure of it. How was this possible? Was this his life rewinding itself, some montage before his death?
But it didn’t feel like a memory. It looked so real. He was there.Then, the guards barked their orders. The Major gave his speech. And the Walk began, exactly like it did before.
What the fuck?
Stuck in a time loop, Collie Parker didn’t expect to find himself watching Gary Barkovitch. He definitely didn’t expect Gary to look back.
Bookmarked by sssnowjanus
02 Mar 2026
Bookmarker's Notes
They had taken his land. They had taken his culture. They would not take his life.
♡
‘Leciya ya tuwa maki pan pelo...’ This song was banned. In normal circumstances if anyone had heard him singing it, he could have even been jailed. But these weren’t normal circumstances. […]
He raised his voice, letting everyone hear, and definitely looked straight into one of the cameras. I dare you to stop me, his eyes seemed to say. ‘Leciya ya tuwa maki pan pelo / Wiohpeyata wakinyan oyate wan.’
[…] When he reached the second verse, another voice joined in. The pronunciation was off, the stresses wrong, but these words were unmistakable.
It was Barkovitch.
‘Oyate hanta po itateya mawani yelo / Tehi ya wamiconza pe / Oyate hanta po itateya mawani yelo’.
♡
They didn’t trust each other, not in the way that McVries and Garraty did. They didn’t trust the other to help them move along when they fell asleep. But it was easier to take the next step when he knew that there was someone beside him.
So when Barkovitch fell to the ground and got his ticket, Collie followed.
♡
This had happened before when he shared some of his culture’s practices with those he considered friends. They remained his friends as long as they could ignore the fact that, in their minds, he came from savages.
Barkovitch seemed to materialize out of nowhere, and shoved Baker hard.
‘Shove your fucking prayers up your fucking ass man.’
[…]
But Collie knew. Barkovitch knew about the tradition, and he saved Collie from putting a target on his head by refusing to say his mother’s name. He had done it at risk to his own life and to any chance at friendship with the other boys. A small smile tugged at Collie’s lips.
♡
Before getting on his feet and moving again, he took Gary’s camera with himself. He turned it on and looked through the photos of everything that Barkovitch wanted to remember and now wouldn’t.
There were dozens of pictures from the past few days. Landscapes, sunsets, storm clouds rolling in. He was enraptured by Gary’s attention to detail and his ability to find beauty in this hell. The pictures were stunning. As he scrolled further he noticed some photos… of himself. Him walking, sweat soaking his shirt. Him drinking water, his head tilted back. Him laughing at something Olson had said. Him looking straight at the camera, angry, catching Barkovitch taking a picture.
I take pictures of everything I find beautiful and worth remembering.
♡
‘I said I don’t wanna win, not really. There is nothing for me after this fucking thing ends. No one. And nowhere to go.’
You could come home with me.
The thought startled Collie.
♡
Then, came a gunshot. Collie felt the bullet enter his chest. It didn’t exit out the other side. Gary was unharmed, for now.
‘I just want to save you, shithead.' Collie rasped. These were the last words he managed to say, before closing his eyes. He never heard the second gunshot. That brought him some comfort.
♡
When the walk began, he walked straight up to Barkovitch, and wrapped him in the hug. Gary went stiff, astonished, his wide eyes flicking to Collie’s tear-stricken face.
‘I’m sorry.’ Collie whispered. ‘I will make it better, I swear.’
Then, without waiting for a reply, he stepped off the road.
♡
Collie decided to risk it. He stopped walking, putting a hand on Gary’s arm to stop him too. Then, he hugged him. It was a real, full hug. Collie was taller, and he wrapped Barkovitch completely with his arms. He could smell the sweat on Gary’s skin, feel his hair tickling his nose. It was perfect. Collie held him, and Gary let himself be held.
‘Number five! Number forty-eight! First warning!’
[…]
’[…] Playfighting. But I loved this. I was always the one to start it, tugging at his hair, shoving him into a river, smearing mud on his face. He was different from all my other friends. He was the only one that I wanted to tease like that.’
[…]
‘All this time, all these playfights… I was just tugging at his pigtails. Metaphorically speaking.’ He tugged at Gary’s hair again, to make his point clear.
♡
Barkovitch’s hands immediately found their way to Collie’s hair, clutching him, refusing to let him go. Gary’s lips were chapped, smeared with dust and blood from the fight, but Collie didn’t care. He couldn’t imagine a better kiss.
[…]
He remembered Gary’s words from before. I don’t have anywhere to go after this ends.
‘Come home with me.’ He said.
Gary didn’t respond with words. Instead, he attacked Collie’s lips with another kiss, fervent and eager.
Collie felt it in his bones that the loop was finished, but he had no way of knowing for sure. He didn’t want to die to test it. Not now, when he finally had everything he needed.