Chapter Text
The wind pulled at Alice’s hair. The cool, fresh air reinvigorated her. She tilted her wings and circled around to land on a balcony attached to the council hall. The trees swayed, and flowers rippled at the beat of her wings. It was a beautiful little garden that overlooked the floors and paths below. It was one of the places they could usually find Grandmama when she took a break from work. Alice leaned against the railing and waited.
Her mind drifted back to her conversation with Holly and Felix. Paradise Hills sounded anything but. She itched to talk to Isaac, but Bendy stopped the thought. Who would have done this? Hidden a demon child in a Surface town? No family, no guardian, no guidance to speak of. It wasn’t right. Had they been desperate? Why? From what? Did Bendy know? No, she didn’t think so. He would have told her, wouldn’t he? Why did things have to be so complex between the angels and demons?
Alice heard the door behind her open. Her thoughts were brought to the present with a snap. “I knew you’d come here.” She glanced back to see her grandmother. Her face was emotionless, but Alice could sense her dread and guilt. “I thought you’d come to talk to me when you returned.”
“I didn’t want to strain your recovery,” the older angel said. She stepped out on the balcony, and the wind pulled at her intricately braided hair.
“Then you shouldn’t have left like you did.” Alice scowled. “Or you should have come to me the second you got back.” She turned to face her relative with scornful eyes. “Do you have any idea how alone I’ve been because of what you said? How terrifying it is?”
Pain flickered in Grandmama’s eyes before she took a deep breath and relaxed. “I am sorry. I had to see.” She suddenly stopped. Her voice became thick. She swallowed the despair and anger. “I had to see for myself. To see if I could stop it.”
“Stop what? The ink illness?” Alice demanded. Her soul ached.
Elizabeth didn’t answer.
“You didn’t go after my friends,” Alice stated.
“No,” she agreed and rested her hands on the stone rail. “But I have to warn you, Alice. No good will come from seeking the Ink Machine.”
Alice bristled. “Do you know where it is? Did you visit them? How much do you know? Why did you react like that?” Alice’s questions tumbled from her like a flood, her anxiety and frustration spilling out with the words. “I want you to explain everything.”
The older angel turned cool eyes on her. Her own eyes. Anzu had been right; they looked very similar. Her many wings ruffled as a cold breeze from the North passed by. A cloud blocked the sun. “Do you believe you are ready to hear all I have to share, child? Do you even know what you ask for?” There was so much tired wariness in her tone and eyes. The centuries of life Grandmama lived seemed to weigh down each syllable.
Alice lifted her chin. She had just had the disease taken from her. She’d had her soul handled by a demon. She had her resolve. “I know there’s more to the Machine and the war than I know, than the public knows. I know the history books are wrong, and you are hiding something. I know the ink illness is a soul sickness, and the Machine was made to cure it. I know the Healing Chalice that blesses our waters is actually a part of that Machine, and it’s hidden under the city. What I don’t know is why. Why hide it all? Why lie? Why go this far?” Alice wrapped her arms around herself. “Was the Angel-Demon War even about the balance of the world? Are the demons imprisoned wrongfully?” Were the angels the true villains?
Grandmama’s eyes widened before they narrowed to slits. “The demons were imprisoned for the atrocities they did to the living, the dead, and themselves.”
“And are we as righteous as the books claim? Or are there crimes we are suffering for?” Alice challenged.
“It’s more complicated than that. The world isn’t starkly good and evil.” Her grandmother sighed.
“Then why claim it is?” Alice tightened her fists.
“I didn’t write those books, but I agreed with the reasons,” Elizabeth said.
“And what are those?”
“Saving the world,” the older angel said.
Alice stared at her. She couldn’t be serious. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“The ink illness never completely vanished, even with the cure. That is because the ancient peoples could never destroy or stop the source of the illness.” Elizabeth explained. “It always came back.”
“Then why take it apart!” Alice snapped. Why take away the cure?
“Because it became too dangerous.” Elizabeth’s eyes blazed as she gritted her teeth. “A worldwide war started over that Machine, Alice. Cities, entire species were lost during the fighting. The balance was thrown off so far we almost didn’t recover. Even now, the world suffers the consequences. Magic is dying, cultures lost, souls suffer, and it’s all for that Machine.”
Alice shook her head. It just didn’t make sense. “Why? What’s so special about it? It just cures a sickness.”
Elizabeth shook her head. “It was a machine like no other. A blend of natures in opposition. Its very existence was against nature. Something like that was capable of much more. The laws of reality were at risk in the wrong hands.”
“Aren’t those laws challenged all the time?” Alice asked gently.
“Not without consequence.” Elizabeth folded her hands in front of her. She was the regal image of control. Like she was Order herself.
“So what? The Machine was going to destroy the world?” Alice asked. She couldn’t believe that.
“Yes, and in a way, it already has,” Elizabeth said. “This place is not as it should be.”
“That was people. Not the Machine,” Alice said. She glared out at the paths of the Sanctuary. “A scalpel is a weapon in the wrong hands and a tool of healing in the right. The fault was the people.” Anzu saved her and Felix with his magic. Dark magic wasn’t evil. The Machine couldn’t just be evil.
“That thing is not a tool for good,” Elizabeth said. Her voice was icy.
“So, it’s better to let people die?” Alice fisted her hand.
“Yes!” Elizabeth declared. Alice gapped at her. “We did everything we could. The Machine can’t be destroyed, so it was hidden. What could be scattered was and the knowledge hidden. Not only to stop those seeking it but to slow the ink illness.”
“Slow?” Alice struggled to keep up.
Elizabeth pursed her lips. “It spreads faster with knowledge of it. The fear of ink illness strengthens it, like a physical infection, the illness uses the mind to burrow in the soul. That’s why I went to Toon Town. I wanted to see if I could reverse the spread of information, but it was too late. It’s practically common knowledge, and it’s only a matter of time before it reaches all the corners of the world again.”
Alice stared at her. Knowledge of ink illness spreaded it? How? Was that why she and Felix had it? Did them just knowing do that? What about everyone else? What about all the work they had done to warn people? They had been making it worse? No! No, it couldn’t be! Then that meant all the secrets and changed history was to save lives! “But I don’t get it. If you had everyone forget, shouldn’t it have been gone? You said it never completely vanished.” She felt like she was going to be sick.
“Correct. It’s not the only way to be infected. As I said, no one has ever been able to find the true source of it. There would be cases here and there throughout the centuries that we would have to hide,” Elizabeth explained.
“Who’s this we? Mom?” Alice swallowed. Was everyone on the council aware? Did that mean Isaac and Jake knew? That they had all kept this secret from her?
“No.” Her elder shook her head. “The seer division.”
Alice furrowed her brows. “Division?” That didn’t make sense. The seers were just her and Mary. There was no division.
Elizabeth smiled like she had read Alice’s mind. “It’s not like a normal division. You don’t join the division; the division picks you. It’s not a reassignment but an addition to already existing duties. It’s a calling to help the greater good.”
Alice blinked. “Do you mean spies? Like some kind of secret police?”
Elizabeth frowned. “Not nearly as crude. My division is meant to protect everyone to the best of our abilities within our spheres of work.”
“But in secret.” Alice took a step back. Her jaw dropped. “Are they the people that chased me at the recorder’s hall? Have you been spying on me?”
“No, Alice, but you were looking into things you shouldn’t have,” Elizabeth said. “They would have brought you to me if they had detained you.”
“So what was that page of names? Angels and dates,” Alice demanded.
“Page?” Elizabeth raised a brow.
“In the restricted area! It had to do with ink illness, right?” Alice pressed. She wanted it all to fit. Every horrible piece. The full picture. Even if it broke her soul apart to see it. Alice knew turning an ignorant eye wasn’t going to help. That’s what all of angel society had done for millennia. She could have also just ended up as a name on a page hidden away. She could be dismissed and erased for something she couldn’t help. It was infuriating.
Elizabeth pressed her lips into a thin line. “Those that fell from the illness through the time the division started to keep a record. They couldn’t stay in the city. They couldn’t see their families. For those that worked for the seers, they understood the sacrifice.”
Angelo came to mind. “But not all of them knew! There were innocent angels on that list! And you took them away from their homes and families to die!” Alice said, horrified.
“In order to save those families!” Elizabeth said sternly.
“Did they even get an explanation?” Alice shook her head.
Elizabeth studied her expression with sad eyes. “No. We couldn’t. I know this is a lot, Alice. I’m sorry that you’ve suffered. It was not my intention, far from it. I wanted to be the end of the Ink Machine and the ink illness. I wanted that ever since I was your age. It shouldn’t have fallen on your shoulders. This-”
“I’m a healer,” Alice snapped. “Any illness is on my shoulders. I don’t want your apologies or excuses.” She turned away from Elizabeth and paced the length of the balcony. Elizabeth didn’t move from her spot. She watched Alice with grim silence.
Alice fought to reign in her emotions and think. This could have been her. If Anzu hadn’t taken her soul fragment, if Holly hadn’t said anything, if it had been a month later, this could have been her. Stars above! The demons were going to help with this cure while the angels did what? Sat in safe ignorance? Was it really safe? Would Grandmama have removed her if she hadn’t been cured? Focus Alice!
Elizabeth had kept control of the conversation so far, but Alice wasn’t going to just sit back and let herself get swept away. She needed to be level-headed, to do what Bendy would do. She needed to think like Holly, be bold like Cuphead, and make the wisest choice she could like Felix. Her friends were depending on her. She returned to her grandmother with a calmer heart and a clearer head.
“What do your people really do?” Alice asked.
“If the guardians handle the day-to-day and the warriors handle the monsters and villains, I would say we deal with the weird,” Elizabeth said.
“The weird.” Alice frowned. She hadn’t expected that.
“There are blank spots in visions. I have them investigated.” Elizabeth lowered her head. “Some are catastrophic, and others are mundane. It’s all case by case and extremely unpredictable. Ink illness is one of them.”
Alice furrowed her brows. “Ink illness is a blind spot in your visions? Why?”
“Foresight has been a gift from Order to help maintain the natural order since the beginning. If something doesn’t appear, then it is not part of the natural order. It’s unnatural.” Elizabeth explained. She bit her lip in a nervous tick Alice recognized far too easily. “It’s not bending the laws; it’s against them completely.”
She was saying that was what ink illness was? Was the Machine too? “Wait, but if the illness is unnatural, where did it come from?”
Elizabeth looked up at her with a determination that Alice had seen in the mirror a dozen times these past weeks. “I don’t know. That’s what we’ve been trying to figure out for over four thousand years.”
Alice sat at her vanity and stared at the mirror. All the new information pounded the inside of her skull. Having knowledge of ink illness spreaded it. She’d have to warn the questers. Anzu. Stars. The illness and the Machine to cure it weren’t natural. The angels had been hiding this information for thousands of years to try and save lives. The war was over a machine that defied reality. Not one that changed reality, but entirely defied it. What did any of it mean? What had the ancient Devil wanted? That wasn’t all.
Her grandmother had warned her that even today, there were those who wanted it. The Cercatori and even others that she wasn’t aware of. The members of her grandmother’s secretive seer division weren’t the only ones running around in the shadows. Alice could just imagine what someone like Metatron would do with power that could break, well, everything. It still baffled her.
Alice was irritated, too. The older angel claimed she didn’t know where the Machine was, but she knew who hid it and wouldn’t tell Alice ‘for her own sake,’ despite Alice’s insistence. It had nearly been the last straw, but Alice decided to turn it around on her grandmother. Since she was so good with secrets, Alice made her promise to do something else unrelated to the Machine for her. Elizabeth had almost seemed eager to do something for Alice at that point. She had been as shocked as Alice had been when Alice explained Bendy and his situation in Sillyvision. It wasn’t unnatural, but Alice was sure this seer division could discreetly find information about it. This way, Alice couls get some answers without it blowing up in her face for once.
As for her friends working with the demons for the cure? Why would Alice tell her at this point? Her grandmother wasn’t the person Alice thought her to be. Alice didn’t want to set her relative’s sights on Anzu, not when he’d been so willing to help and grandmama so reluctant. What did that say about Alice?
She rubbed her temples. This was all such a headache. At least some things made sense. Alice doubted her grandmother would help her uncover the details of the war and the Machine, but that was fine. Alice would find her own way. At least it made sense why she hadn’t wanted Alice asking everyone about the ink illness, especially with Mary and her health.
Understanding didn’t remove the bubble of resentment for how her grandmother had handled it and the regret that hung around the older angel. Like Alice finding the truth was such a problem. All those names . . . and those had only been the angels! Stars knew how many died out there on the Surface and in Hell and whatever other corners of the world were out there. She could have been one of them. Felix could have been one of them. Holly, Cuphead, and Bendy too. It ruffled her feathers. She wanted to scream. The angel opened the compact and hesitated before closing it. She wasn’t in the right headspace to talk to Bendy. She had to clear things up after that last conversation and Jake’s interruption. First, she talk to the seers and get all the Ink Machine information she could. The rest could come after.
A knock sounded at the door. “Alice?” Leila’s muffled voice called from the other side.
Alice straightened in her seat. Leila? What did she want? Hopefully, she and the trio weren’t in the mood to grill her on why she had spirited out of the house earlier. She didn’t have the energy right now. “Come in,” Alice said despite her reservations.
Leila cracked the door open and poked her head in, light curls tumbling over her shoulder before she slipped in and closed the door behind her. “Can we talk?” the younger girl asked seriously. There wasn’t any of the usual excitement or curiosity that Alice had come to expect from the younger angel.
Alice raised a brow with the lack of her siblings or the usual enthusiasm. “Sure.” Alice stood up from the vanity and headed over to her reading bench so they could both sit. “What’s going on?” Alice asked as she sank into the cushions and tucked her legs underneath herself. Her wings fluttered comfortably into the space behind the bench.
“I’ve had something on my mind since I wrote my last letter to Boris, and it’s only been added to with that call at the healer’s hall,” Leila started slowly like she wasn’t sure how Alice would react. She sat down on the other end of the bench, pulling her feet up and clasping her hands around her ankles. “I’d told Boris that we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye over the years, and he asked what about. And I don’t think I’d really thought out the root cause of it until I was trying to explain it to him.” She frowned.
Alice blinked. It was true that Alice and Leila had their spats, but Alice had had disagreements with all of her siblings before, and Leila was practically part of the family. The older angel had no idea where this was coming from or where it was going. She gave Leila a nod to continue, curious to see what had the younger angel so serious.
“Until recently, or at least since some time while you were on your Act of Charity, you’ve never expressed anything other than— Well, other than hate for demons. And I understand that it comes from what happened to your dad. But now I’ve realized why that always frustrated me, that you were never willing to give any demon a chance before.” Leila paused and took a shaky breath, nervousness curling off of her. A pang hit Alice in the heart. Then she turned her head to look right at Alice. “It frustrates me because I’ve lost family—family I’ll never get to meet—because of Surface toons, and yet I’m expected to give them a chance and extend help and kindness toward them while you haven’t been expected to do the same toward demons. We’ve got mirroring traumas, yet the expectations are vastly different.”
Alice remembered the incident—not that she was there, but she’d asked her dad about it. The Upper’s last attempt at an angel settlement on the Surface had been attacked, and a number of them had been Leila’s relatives. Her father had been one of the warriors investigating it. The culprits had been magic extremists—Surface toons there to hunt the angels. It had been Leila’s grandparents and her aunts and uncles—people Leila never got to meet.
Alice furrowed her brows. Of all the things Leila could have talked about, this had not been what Alice had expected at all. The healer felt her face heat with shame at the memory of how she had been before her Act of Charity, how her and Abby’s similar attitudes toward demons were one of the things they agreed on, how other kids in class had either agreed with them or remained quiet whenever they went off on the subject, how she had projected that mindset on the rest of her family, and how her older siblings tolerated it, and her younger ones rolled their eyes at her. Leila had been the loudest in opposition. Alice was terribly embarrassed about how she had acted now, even how she had first treated Bendy and Hat.
Stars, even today with Anzu. Had she gotten better at all? He’d only helped, and she’d still acted guarded.
“You’ve said Boris has had a bad experience with someone who called themself his friend and that I have to be patient with him. And I’m going to do my absolute best, but this is a big deal for me, too. He’s the first Surface toon I’ve ever tried to befriend. I’m going out on a limb and trusting that he won’t hurt me back because you’ve vouched for him by calling him a friend, and I trust you .” Leila gave her a weak smile and hugged her legs closer to her chest. “I even gave Nellie a hard time when Ruman first introduced her.”
Alice knew that Leila adored Fennel and the pups now. “I’m sorry, Leila,” she found herself saying quietly. Leila was usually very friendly and approachable, so it was easy to forget that she might struggle to trust anyone. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot with Boris.”
Leila shook her head. “I’m the one who wanted to reach out. I figured that if I wanted people to try giving demons a chance, then I should practice what I preach and give some Surface toons that same chance. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad about asking me to give your friend the chance to heal, too. I wanted to share what I’d realized because I thought it could help you, too.”
Alice blinked, taken aback. “Help me.” Alice sighed. “I thought I’d come a long way.” Today said otherwise. She still had problems trusting demons as a whole. A few exceptions weren’t enough.
“I never said you hadn’t,” Leila pointed out, tilting her head. “But you’re struggling with your head and your heart, and I thought this was a good place to start.”
Alice opened and closed her mouth. She grimaced and found her eyes darting out the window and away from the younger angel. She couldn’t deny that. “A lot’s been going on.” That was the understatement of the century.
“You don’t say?” Leila teased lightly, a hint of mirth entering her smile and tugging at the corners. Then she schooled her expression to be calmer and straightened up, tucking her legs under her. “Let’s talk Bendy, then.”
Alice’s face puckered like she had sucked a lemon. “Let’s not!” Her voice came out too quick and cheery. She had a lot more to think about.
“No, you aren’t avoiding it this time, Alice,” Leila said, giving her a stern look.
“Actually, there is something,” Alice cut in. Alice raised her hands. “I know, I’m not avoiding, but this is bothering me. Please.” She was so avoiding, but it was true that she was also bothered.
Leila gave her a scrutinizing look before nodding. “Oh, you are definitely trying to avoid it, but we can cycle back to that. What’s on your mind, Ally?”
Curses. Oh well. Alice sighed. “I still have a long way to go--with demons, I mean. I thought I was better, but I ran into one outside of the wall and . . . well.” Alice crossed her arms. “I still am so guarded even though I don’t want to be. I jump to conclusions and expect the worst a lot of times. I don’t like this; I don’t like being like this. All the old stories go through my head, and I just--stars, it feels like I can’t help it! It’s not the demon’s fault! It’s my problem! I understand that now, so why can’t I stop?”
The younger angel hummed in acknowledgment. “It’s not easy to change the way you think. It’s definitely possible, but it’s a lot of work. I’d know,” Leila said, giving Alice a wry smile. “Honestly, Nellie becoming my sister might be the only reason I’ve made as much progress in that regard myself. It starts with one person. And that’s the important part to remember, that the ones you are struggling to trust are people too.” Leila turned her head to look out the window. “I don’t know if it’s possible to not be on guard with everyone, but being able to relax or let down that guard around a handful is progress that shouldn’t be discounted. Trust isn’t an all-or-nothing thing, you know? It’s a scale.”
Alice sighed. She ran her fingers through her hair and tugged at a knot. “Leila, were you ever afraid of demons? Even once? I don’t understand how we grew up around the same stories, but they don’t seem to bother you at all.”
Leila snorted. “I wouldn’t say I’m unbothered by stories of gory horror and atrocities, but I can’t help but compare those stories to ones I know about the Surface and angels. If angels can fall and still work toward redemption, even having caused harm to others, why shouldn’t that be an option for other toons?” The girl turned back to Alice and tilted her head. “I know they don’t exactly have wings to re-earn or anything, but the concept should be similar, no? To have the chance to show that they could become better than their history. Their own or that of their people.”
Alice pursed her lips. “Stars, I think you’re a better person than I am, Leila.” Than most people even.
“Nah, not better. I’ve just had good examples and been open to learning from them. And you being open to learning now is proof you aren’t as bad as you seem to think you are.” Leila stretched one leg out to hook her leg over Alice’s knee affectionately. “Not everyone has a dad who’s gone through redemption or a brother who marries someone they struggle to trust. Or even friends whose parents encourage ‘hoping for the best and preparing for the worst’ the way your parents do. I’d even say that our debates growing up helped shape and strengthen my worldview.”
Well, at least her arguing had helped one person, Alice thought sarcastically. It was true that there were a number of people who had been a significant influence on her life; her parents, her grandmother, her siblings, and her friends. It wasn’t until she left the Upper herself that she really understood some of the things her parents and older siblings had talked about. Then, adding to her new perspective, and thanks to the questers, Alice could almost say she was a different person than in her childhood. How could one year change so much? “I blame Bendy,” Alice muttered.
Leila smiled in amusement. “Speaking of Bendy, we really do need to talk about him. If your worries are abated for the moment,” she said gently, consideration and determination coming off of her as the amusement tapered away.
“Uh. I don’t think we need to.” Alice had a good guess on what Leila wanted to talk about. She was not having this conversation with a fifteen-year-old angel. If Cala or Holly cornered her, so be it. But she wasn’t doing this with a child. This was a move a mom pulled, not the neighborhood friend. No, her little siblings’ neighborhood friend! Okay, she was like a sister, but Alice had a line and-
“I saw his face when Jake kissed you,” Leila said with a seriousness that didn’t match with the teasing she’d expected.
Alice stilled, and her mental rejections died and turned to ash. Bendy’s face? She’d seen it? He’d already been gone when Alice had looked. Worry and curiosity suddenly reared up like an angry bull. “You did?” Alice asked tentatively. She was still suspicious this was a trap. Alice couldn’t deal with a lecture right now.
“When things broke out in the usual chaos they always do when you and Jake are together, I looked at the compact. I wanted to make sure Bendy and Boris didn’t think we’d forgotten they were there. I’ve never seen someone look so heartbroken, Alice.” Leila frowned, concern rolling off her.
Something tumbled down Alice’s chest and took her stomach with it to the floor. Heartbroken? He’d looked heartbroken? A jittery anxiety rose like a wave. She had tried to reach him again! She had wanted to explain! He hadn’t answered. She hadn’t been able to get ahold of him! Alice had believed he had gotten busy and distracted. Now, it was obvious that he was avoiding her. Oh stars! And now of all times! What was she supposed to do? Jake had seen how she had reacted, and now they were done. Michael was missing, but she doubted anything would really happen between them. Sure, she had to find and save him. It was only the right thing to do! That didn’t mean their courtship would continue. She had—she had—she had just started to get comfortable with her feelings! She was just beginning to see what she wanted to do for herself, how she could grow as a person and become someone she could be proud of? Now this? Stars above! Did the gods hate her?
Did Bendy hate her? The thought stopped her spiral dead in its tracks.
Leila tilted her head and studied her for a moment, waiting to see if the older angel would collect herself on her own. “How do you feel about him? Really feel. Because if you go to him not knowing, it’s just going to make things worse,” she pushed softly, lightly shaking Alice’s leg with her own where it rested as a solid weight.
Alice flinched, pulling her thumb out of her teeth. When had she started biting her thumbnail? She hadn’t noticed. She looked over at Leila and bit her lip. How did she feel? She hadn’t said it out loud. Not really. There had been harmless teasing with Holly, but they had been unserious. This wasn’t that. She didn’t know if she could voice it yet. It wasn’t like the crush she’d had on Michael for years or the affection she held for Jake. It was different. Bendy was different, and now he didn’t even want to talk to her. Alice winced.
“You’re overthinking,” Leila stated it like an observation, eerily similar to how David would have. “Focus on how you feel about him. Everything else is an after-problem.”
Defensiveness had Alice’s feather fluff up, and her shoulders stiffen. It sure didn’t feel like an after-problem. Alice bit her tongue to hold back the snippy words. She pinched the bridge of her nose and reminded herself that Leila was trying to help. She was not the source of Alice’s problems and certainly not her mistakes. The young angel had done nothing but try to help, even now. Alice took a deep breath and counted down. Stars, she really needed to try to treat the people wanting to help her nicer. “Can I ask why this is so important to you, Lei?” Alice managed to ask in a mostly even tone.
Leila gave her a warm, closed-mouth smile, affection rolling off of her. “I want to see you happy. You were happy when we were talking with Bendy, and he looked at you the same way Ru looks at Nellie. But I also know you, Alice. And you even being friends with Bendy is worlds more than the you from before would have even accepted as a possibility with any demon. You’ve grown, but you’re not done growing. And sometimes we all need to talk to someone who understands but is also willing to push us to work through the emotions,” Leila explained. Then she shrugged. “I figured this was one conversation that was better one-on-one than out in the sparring ring.”
Alice had turned sullen eyes out the window, her hand hiding her burning cheeks. It was useless. Leila could feel the shy embarrassment rolling off her in waves. She would have definitely felt much better with a sword in her hand right now. Alice sighed in defeat. “I’m not admitting to anything out loud.” She warned. Alice knew her not fighting Leila’s words was, in part, an admission in itself, but she wanted to ignore that. It all felt out of order and wrong. This wasn’t how she wanted to admit it.
“That’s fine,” Leila agreed. “Bendy should be the first to hear anyway.”
Alice’s hand twitched to grab a pillow for her to squeal into. She managed to swallow it, barely. The feeling fluttered just under her throat. Alice swallowed instead. “Yeah, I need to talk to him.” Whenever he’d let that be. Stars, even a few days felt like months. Today felt like a whole year in itself. Was she even the same Alice that woke up this morning?
Leila nodded. “Do you want to hash out any doubts first? I’m here to listen if you need to.”
Her stomach sunk a little at the thought. She didn’t know what words to use. She was still trying to figure herself out, especially after Jake left. “I’m not so sure,” she grumbled into her hand.
“Can I share an outside perspective?” Leila asked gently, her head tilted to one side. Genuine openness and warm curiosity rolled off her.
Alice felt her lip pout behind her hand, but she remembered that Leila was probably one of the last angels to insult her friends intentionally or not. She was good with those things. Alice gave her a single nod to go ahead.
Leila gave Alice a warm smile and offered her a hand. Alice took it, and the younger angel gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “You are going from having strong negative feelings about all demons to being open to potential good interactions with them. And in the midst of all of that change in mindset, you’ve got these positive experiences and feelings with Bendy that you’re trying to weigh and balance against all the stories you’ve read and been told over the years. That’s a lot to process on your own because I know you haven’t talked to your mind guide about it.” Leila gave her a knowing look.
Alice felt her face heat, and the ache in her soul seemed to intensify for a moment. “O-oh, really? How would you know?” It would have been defensive, except it came as a guilty squeak. This was not even mentioning Anzu.
“I had to know what to ask to get this far, Alice. Your mind guide doesn’t have all the pieces to know what to ask, and you don’t reach out on your own for help sorting out emotions-—at least not until they are a jumbled ball.” Leila shrugged and gave her hand another squeeze. “You and David are a lot alike that way.”
Alice frowned. “I don’t know if that’s more insulting to David or me,” she joked.
Leila laughed. “You know I mean it in the most loving way possible.” The younger angel knocked their shoulders together. “But seriously, that’s a lot to process, and I’m here to talk it out if you want to.”
Alice raised her free hand to brush her bangs back. She sighed with a puff of air. The angel couldn’t talk about the soul surgery or the ink illness, not after that conversation with Grandmama. It was a lot to process and a lot of hurt to work through. Everything seemed different. Regardless, she could talk about Bendy and the quest to a degree without fear. “I don’t even know where to begin, really. Is there anything to say?” She shrugged. Her wings loosened up a bit at the movement. “How bad was I before?” Alice asked.
Leila gave her a flat look. “You threw the demon doll I made into the fireplace when we were kids and said you were ‘sending it back to Hell where it belonged.’ I had to make a new one to replace Swampwillow. I was seven.”
Alice bit her lip and winced. “I am so sorry. I had no right to do that.” What had she been thinking?
Leila smiled. “I forgave you for that a long time ago. I’m honestly impressed you got through your Act of Charity without banishing any of the demons you ran into. It shows a lot of growth.”
Alice opened and closed her mouth. She’d considered banishing Bendy. Her face darkened into a very deep blush. Stars guide her! It would have been so bad if she had! Had he even seen any of Hell at that point? She doubted it!
“What kinds of things have you learned about demons that changed your mind?” Leila asked gently, kindly ignoring the incriminating implication of Alice’s blush.
What had she learned? She learned demons were as diverse as people. Hat, Bendy, Ava, Azazel, Anzu, even the Devil. Many of them had an edge to them, but that didn’t mean they didn’t show kindness in their own way. Hat had been very considerate of the angels in his employ. He had his schemes, but he also had his honor. Anzu had been nothing but considerate. He hadn’t even asked for anything in trade before helping them. If they had wanted to keep their soul fragments, he would have handed them over. Alice was now sure that she could find more demons she’d like if she got the chance to meet them. And Bendy . . . “I guess,” she sighed. “I stopped seeing them as ruthless monsters.” The words felt heavy on her tongue. The mistrust wasn’t completely gone, and yet . . .“They’re different. There are a lot of things I still don’t understand, but they are people with their own thoughts, desires, and struggles.” Alice pursed her lips. “And I have to admit a large part of that is Bendy. His love for his brother and friends, his unwavering courage, his kindness and forgiveness.” She glanced at Leila. “You know, the first time I met him, I treated him exactly how you imagined?”
The younger angel gave her hand another squeeze, encouragement curling off of her. “Anything else you learned from Bendy?”
Alice pulled her hand free to sweep her hair off her neck. Anything else? “I don’t know. A lot! I get what you mean. I was terrible before, and I’m not now. I probably still have a long way to go before . . . “ She trailed off. “But so what? I’ve changed a lot since I left. Everything is different. I just need to get used to the new normal, right?” That was much easier said than done.
“You have changed,” Leila agreed readily. “But what constitutes the ‘new normal’? Being friends with a demon? Great! But that’s not really all of it, is it? If you want to be more than friends with Bendy, what’s between you and doing that?”
Alice choked, and her eyes grew huge. “I-yo-wh-who said anything about me w-wanting to be with Bendy!” Alice tripped over the words in a rush. Had she just told herself she wasn’t ready to admit something like that!
“You didn’t have to say it, Alice. Your actions since the other day have made it pretty clear. And you still don’t have to tell me exactly what you feel for him,” Leila said seriously. “The point is, what is stopping you from being with Bendy?” She curled her legs back under herself so she could turn to face Alice fully.
Alice’s wings fluffed up. Then, fluffed up some more. She half hid in them, bringing the ends of her feathers around her ankles. Why did she have to ask so bluntly like that? How could Alice deny it? Cuss, if she did, David would just catch her later! Gah! Alice hugged her legs tighter. She was going to die of embarrassment! “I don’t know. A lot of things.” She murmured into her knees honestly. “I don’t think I’m even ready to have this conversation, really!”
“I am obligated to warn you that if any of those things is because he’s not an angel, I will have to duel you,” Leila said jokingly, though there was an undercurrent of seriousness to it.
Alice frowned. “It’s not that he isn’t an angel. It’s that he is a demon.” Her eyes drifted to the window. She thought again of the consent paper Anzu had to get for her and the hesitation she had to report that town, Pleasant Hills, to her brother for investigation in fear they found out about Bendy’s childhood. It was always so complicated between demons and angels. Nothing seemed straightforward. “It wouldn’t work.”
“Says who?” Leila asked.
“Society? History? How about sta-Order?” Alice said dryly, waving a hand. “I mean, he wouldn’t even be able to enter the city.” She indicated out the window, toward the walls in the distance.
“Society and the city can be worked on given time. And have you read every story about angels and demons out there? Because I haven’t, not for lack of trying. I’m sure we could find something that doesn’t have mainstream information. There’s a lot more history than we cover in school.” Leila shrugged and squeezed Alice’s hand again.
“I doubt those walls will come down in our lifetimes, Lei. Face it, if I want to be with Bendy, I’d have to leave.” Alice smiled at the younger angel. “He wouldn’t be comfortable up here. What would he do? I’d have to give up the apprenticeship and leave. I’d be giving up everything I’ve worked toward, and even then, I don’t know of any story that ends well.”
“Ally, you are talking to the girl who completely changed career paths after knowing a demon for, at most, two weeks. Just because being Master Jethro’s apprentice is what you’ve been working toward, doesn’t mean it’s your only option. There are other ways you could be a healer and still be happy. Or you could change divisions entirely! The most important thing is what will make you happy in the long run,” Leila said, holding Alice’s hand in both of hers. She smiled wryly. “Besides, would leaving be such a bad thing? It’s not like you wouldn’t be able to visit here or we’d not be able to visit you on the Surface. It’s what we do with Ru.”
“I don’t know if that can really be comparable.” Alice pulled her wings back to reveal all of her folded-up body. “Ruman and Fennel aren’t objectionable. Forget the usual problems. I’m an Angel. Hannah is my mother. The politics of it all-” Alice winced. “Being the talk of the town would be the least of our worries. There could be riots, and stars only know what Bendy would have to deal with on his end. I doubt some demons would turn a blind eye to our relationship.” Not that Alice could see that stopping Bendy. Still, Anzu made Alice realize she didn’t really know what Bendy’s relations with the other demons were like. He could be dealing with politics, too. He didn’t talk about it if he was.
“I can’t promise that everything would be easy or that other people would be happy about it. But the politics is something to talk to your mom about after you talk with Bendy about all of this. And you’d have your family in your corner. Abby might take some work, but that’s beside the point.” Leila waved a hand like she was dismissing the thought. “The point is that you won’t be alone in this. And just because you don’t know a story of a demon and an angel that ends well, that doesn’t mean one doesn’t exist.”
Alice stared at Leila. It sounded too optimistic to her. Like some fantasy where love triumphed over all, and they’d live happily ever after in the end. Alice knew that wasn’t the truth. Life was so much more complicated than that. It was a daily fight with ups and downs. Sometimes, there were very big ups and downs like today. They were already on thin ice with the demons regarding the conflicts just from this year alone. Alice held up one finger. “I will consider it if we can find one story with its roots, in fact, that an angel and a demon can be together without tragedy.” That should give her time to process everything she’d learned today, too.
Leila beamed at her and tugged on their joined hands, pulling Alice into a hug. After a long moment, she pulled back. “When do you want to start?”
Alice faked considering it. “Next year?”
Leila sighed theatrically and turned toward the door. “Well, if you’re sure, then I suppose I’ll just make note of anything promising I come across while doing my other research.” She stood up like she was going to leave. “See you in a year, Alice.”
Alice huffed. “You’ve been with David too much. You are no fun to tease anymore.”
“But you are!” Leila chirped, looking back at Alice with a cheeky grin.
Alice got up. “Goodbye, Leila.”
“I’ll pick up some things from the hall of records, and you can join me at my house whenever you’re ready,” the younger angel said. She walked to the door and paused to turn with a smile. “See you later, Alice!” Then Leila was out the door.
Alice pouted. She didn’t mean to be taken literally. Oh well, she was sure to see Leila later, possibly half buried under a mountain of demon fiction and historical romance novels. Her face flushed yet again. Stars, she was so obvious a fifteen-year-old child was able to call her out. Alice looked back out of the window. Alice didn’t want a tragedy. Neither of them deserved it.