Chapter Text
Yoongi sat at the dinner table, staring down at his plate. None of the other members commented on his lack of appetite, though a small part of him wished they would realize and reach out to him. He was working harder than ever, but the others didn’t know that all that work was worthless. They didn’t know all the hours he spent in front of his computer, all the hours spent violently typing away, all added up to nothing. That by the end of the night – when the sun finally started to rise and Yoongi felt so drained he wasn’t sure he could even take one more breath – the page was blank on the screen, the curser blinking like a heartbeat monitor that only stopped when he closed the tab without saving.
He excused himself, leaving his barely touched dinner on the counter. He knew Jin would want to wrap it up, but Yoongi didn’t have enough energy to do it himself. He went to his room and looked at his bed, wanting nothing more than to curl up in his covers and block out the world for a few hours, but he knew he needed to try again.
Try again, that’s what he did every day. Work, erase, repeat.
A small orange bottle caught his eye and he grimaced. His doctor had prescribed antidepressants, but he hated them. He hated how numb they made him feel. For months he took the little green pills – so small that an entire handful barely weighed anything – but in those months he felt more dead than ever before.
So he stopped taking them. No one knows he stopped - the rest of the band, his managers, even his doctor – they all thought he was still being treated for this painful darkness that seemed to settle in his veins and put down roots in his body until he was suffocating.
Yoongi sighed and went to put on his shoes.
“Hyung, are you leaving again?” Jungkook asked softly. Despite being taller than Yoongi, Jungkook always seemed so small to the elder.
“I have to get some work done.” He responded dully. He ignored the flash of fear on the younger’s face.
“Can’t you stay in tonight?” He asked, sounding more like a child than he had in years. The sudden vulnerability in his maknae’s voice caused Yoongi to pause.
“You have the other hyungs,” He said casually. “You don’t need me.”
“Please hyung,” Jungkook grabbed his sleeve. Even Yoongi couldn’t ignore the shaking of the younger’s hands twisted in the fabric of his shirt. “Please don’t go.”
“I’m just going to the studio-”
“No,” Jungkook had never interrupted his hyung before. Yoongi swallowed his words at how broken the other boy sounded. “Don’t go. Don’t try to leave us again.”
Yoongi felt his heart stop. Jungkook must have felt Yoongi freeze because he looked in the elder’s eyes for the first time. The two stared at each other for what felt like hours before Yoongi finally looked away and shook Jungkook’s hand off his sleeve.
“I’ll be back,” he said, his voice monotone. He ignored the sniffles coming from behind him. “Don’t forget to lock the door when you go to bed.”
And Yoongi walked out of the dorm.
“How did he know?” Yoongi asked himself as he walked down the damp sidewalk. The rain earlier had been much needed, but it left the air humid and thick even hours later. Yoongi had been so careful last time, but somehow the younger still managed to find out. He thought back to the morning he woke up, only a few weeks before.
Yoongi woke up, his stomach revolting violently and his head throbbing painfully. He barely managed to make it to the bathroom before he emptied the contents of his stomach. Bits and pieces from the night before floated to him and he found himself sobbing on the bathroom floor. Between the alcohol and the pills, Min Yoongi should not have woken up that morning. Yet there he was, alive and regretting it. Regretting the attempt, or regretting waking up, he didn’t know.
He went back to his bed and saw his suicide note on his bedside table, still folded neatly. He grimaced and threw it under his bed with the hundreds of other papers that had been discarded. He hadn’t heard the footsteps going into his room when he was in the bathroom, nor did he hear the silent keening coming from the other bedroom moments later.
He pushed the door to Genius Labs and felt himself relax. As stressed as he got within these walls, the familiarity of his studio definitely gave him a sense of home. He booted up his computer and opened a new document, praying to whatever god was listening that he would come up with something he wouldn’t have to delete at the end of the night.
Yoongi started typing, the words flowing from his mind easily for once. He wasn’t necessarily writing lyrics, but he was writing which was a start. He stopped after what felt like hours and let his hands fall onto his lap. A particular line caught his eye.
“Run away, run away from your problems. Leave them behind along with those who care. Pretend you’re okay and break, break down, down.” He read, the feeling of the darkness rooting in his stomach getting stronger. Jungkook looked terrified, and it was all his fault.
Yoongi checked his phone and saw it was only nine, so he did something he had never done before while working. He called Jungkook. The maknae picked up on the second ring, clearly confused. When Yoongi was working, no one was to disturb him. He never, ever, reached out to anyone when he was in the studio.
“Hyung?”
“Hey Kookie…” Yoongie didn’t know what to say now that he had the younger on the phone. “I, um, got some work done and wanted to take a break. Did you want to grab some food with me?”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.” The youngest said quickly before hanging up. Yoongi felt himself smile.
Seven minutes later there was a frantic banging on the door. Before Yoongi could say ‘come in’, Jungkook threw the door open and looked to the older man with a wide grin.
“Where did you wanna go Hyung?” He asked, almost bouncing. He was panting slightly, which Yoongi took to mean he ran from the dorms to the studio.
“I don’t really know what’s open this late.” He ran a hand through his hair, realizing he didn’t think this far.
“There’s a fast food place in town that’s open until one,” Jungkook’s smile seemed to widen and Yoongi felt his chest squeeze. “Tae hyung and I sneak out and go for fries all the time.”
“Sounds good- wait did you say you sneak out?” He whipped his head around to look at the maknae, who at least had the decency to look a little ashamed.
“If you don’t tell Joon hyung, we’ll invite you to go next time.” He said seriously. Yoongi had to bite back a laugh, and it felt so good.
“I’ll hold you to that kid. Now, lead the way. I need something that will ultimately kill me right about now.”
“So we tried hiding in an alleyway, but it was filled with rats! I tried to run but Tae wanted to try to feed them.” Jungkook was telling Yoongi about the time he and Taehyung were spotted on one of their late night adventures and were almost eaten alive by rats because Tae thought it would be a good idea to give all their left over fries to the animals.
“How have you not been killed yet?” Yoongi grinned, his chest feeling light for the first time in months.
“Honestly? Spite.” Jungkook took a large bite of his burger and Yoongi laughed so hard at the unexpected answer that he snorted into his drink. Jungkook couldn’t help but grin at his hyung. Seeing Yoongi smile and laugh again seemed almost like a dream.
“You’re outrageous.” Yoongi said fondly as he finished his fries. He was definitely going to regret eating so much fried food in the morning but right then, in that moment, it was worth it. He didn’t notice the younger had fallen silent until he spoke.
“Hyung, you know we care about you, right?” He asked suddenly, shocking Yoongi.
“Of course Kookie.” He murmured, not sure where the conversation was going.
“We know how hard you work, and we know you’re even harder on yourself,” Jungkook placed his hands on his lap and chewed on his lower lip. “I – we – just want you make sure you know how important you are. Without you, we wouldn’t be BTS. Without you, we wouldn’t be a family.”
“You’d get on just fine without me.” Yoongi couldn’t help the small, sad smile that slipped though. Jungkook physically flinched at his offhanded comment.
“I read your note, hyung.” His voice shook. Yoongi froze. “I didn’t tell anyone else, but I read it when you were in the bathroom. I was going to confront you, but I heard you sobbing and I just… I put it back and went to my room. I didn’t know what to do… I can’t lose you hyung.”
“Don’t worry Kookie,” Yoongi felt tears running down his cheeks but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. “You’re not going to lose me. I just… things have been hard lately. I feel like I haven’t written anything good, or even halfway decent. It’s hard to be a songwriter who can’t write.”
“I can help,” Jungkook instantly offered. Yoongi looked the younger in the eye and was almost surprised at the fire he saw there. “I can stay with you in your studio and bring you food and help when you get stuck and-”
“Alright kid, if you want to hang out with a pissy asshole like me, feel free.” Yoongi laughed despite the weird tightness in his chest. He didn’t know why Jungkook was so adamant about staying with him.
“You’re not an asshole,” All the fire left Jungkook’s voice as he all but slumped back into his seat. “You need to stop saying such negative things about yourself. You’re amazing hyung, and you’re literally the only person who doesn’t see it.”
“Kookie…” Yoongi wasn’t expecting such seriousness from the younger, but looking carefully at the boy across from him, Yoongi realized something.
Jungkook wasn’t a kid anymore. He hadn’t been a kid for a long, long time. His face no longer had the baby cheeks Yoongi always associated him with in his mind. He didn’t smile as often, and the bags under his eyes looked almost painful. Jungkook wasn’t a kid anymore, and Yoongi felt like he missed seeing him grow up.
“I just want you to know how important you are.” Jungkook’s voice sounded so lost, so broken. It shattered Yoongi’s heart.
“Jungkook, can I tell you something?” He said quietly. The younger just nodded and Yoongi took a breath to steady himself. “I haven’t been taking my medication. I stopped a few weeks ago. As much as it keeps my lows from being too low, it kept me in this numb nothingness all the time. Sure, I couldn’t feel depressed but I sure as hell couldn’t feel happy. And yeah, now I delete everything I write, but at least I can write now. Before I would just stare at a blank document. I wasn’t even able to put my hands on the keyboard.”
“I figured as much. I noticed how you’ve been more down lately, but at least you’ve been showing some sort of emotion. It was scary seeing you walk around like a zombie all the time. That, and you didn’t go to refill your prescription last week when the pharmacy called the dorm.”
“I’m sorry Kookie…” Yoongi felt tears pricking his eyes despite just having wiped his cheeks clear from the last bout of tears and he hated himself for it. He was the hyung – he was supposed to be strong for Jungkook. He felt a warm hand cover his and looked up to see the boy in question looked at him with a soft smile.
“What are you apologizing for?” He asked, giving Yoongi’s hand a soft squeeze.
“I’m supposed to stay strong for you, but here we are. I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty hyung and a shitty band member and a shitty-”
“You’re none of those things,” Jungkook cut him off harshly. “You are not shitty at all. You’ve been such a supportive hyung. You’re the one who encourages us to write and take pictures and to express ourselves. Sure, you’re a little crass sometimes but sometimes we need that, you know? We’ve been away from our parents for so long that we need a little bit of bluntness to keep us in line, and you know Jin hyung and Joon hyung wouldn’t really discipline us over little things, even if we deserve it.”
“Kookie….” Yoongi was crying again, in the middle of the fast food restaurant. Jungkook just smiled, his eyes turning up.
“Come on hyung, let’s go see what you’ve been working on. Maybe we can recover some of the other documents too. Bits and pieces can be worked together to make something new.”
Yoongi let himself be pulled out of the restaurant by the younger and back to the studio, where Jungkook fiddled with his computer and managed to pull up all the unsaved documents from the past week and a half. By the time the sun was rising, the two of them had written a whole song and already started on the music for it.
“Thanks Jungkook.” Yoongi said softly as they made their way back to the dorms.
“I didn’t do anything hyung, that was all you.” He grinned his signature grin, and Yoongi couldn’t help but return it with a gummy smile of his own.
“I really mean it,” Yoongi stopped the taller boy in front of the dorm door. “I… I never would have gotten all of that done on my own. I really owe you, for pulling me out of my thoughts and kicking my ass into gear.” Jungkook’s grin faded into something softer as he pulled the older into a tight hug. At first, Yoongi froze, but he quickly relaxed.
“Let’s get to bed,” Jungkook said when he felt Yoongi start to pull away. “I’m sure you’re tired, and Joon hyung is going to pitch a fit when he realizes be both stayed out so late.”
The two exchanged a knowing look when the door opened and a very miffed looking Namjoon stood there, one hand on his hip and his phone in the other.
“Do you have any idea what time it is?”