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There was a part of him that constantly looked over his shoulder. His mother thought it strange and when she would ask why he’s constantly checking his surroundings, he couldn’t say. Not before, anyway. He was just a child then, always up on his feet and feeling like doing something, whether it’s stupid or not. Sometimes, he thought he was seeing buildings almost falling apart. Sometimes he thought he was seeing kids in the streets, wearing different clothes and hauling newspapers. Sometimes he thought someone was just behind him, ready to grab at him. That’s when he looked over his shoulder.
“Tony!”
He turned and saw Crutchie coming towards him. Tony had been leaning on the lamppost waiting for him so they could head over to dinner with the other guys.
“Hey, Crutch,” he greeted with a smile.
“Where’s Albert?” asked Crutchie.
“He’s still at class. He said he’ll come with Jojo and Elmer.”
“Okay then. We should get going.”
They hailed a cab and Tony helped Crutchie inside. They told the driver their destination and leaned back in their seat.
“Tommy Boy and Romeo found Finch,” said Crutchie, lightly.
When Tony looked at him, he found that Crutchie was smiling softly. He couldn’t help but follow.
“Does he…” he began
Remember?
Crutchie’s smile wavered just the slightest bit. He shook his head and looked away.
“It’ll probably take some time,” he said.
Tony could only nod and stare out the window. No one really talked about it. They would exchange stories about their family, schools and how and where they grew up. They talked about their time together, back when the city was less kind. They talked about their futures now. They talked about their friends. They talked about their relationships.
They never talked about how they died even though some of them already knew. Tony, Race, had died in JoJo’s arms. There were nights when he’d wake up and never go back to sleep. He’d curl up in bed, hugging himself as he recalled how JoJo stared down at him, his tears falling on his face. He could remember how far away JoJo sounded as he screamed himself hoarse, calling for help. He bled out as JoJo held him.
They always knew it would come for them. They always knew that they would probably die young even though they hoped otherwise. Tony had watched the other kids huddle together in their bunks. Tony had heard the stories of children drowning in the river, never knowing if they jumped or just fell in. The newspapers always stuck with the latter. And Tony could just remember being angry and helpless. He had taken it out on someone and even then, he bled out for it.
“Tony, we’re here.”
He snapped out of his trance and fished out his half for the fare. They got out of the car and crossed the street to the little diner that Mush found and claimed as their place to go to when they’re not stressing over their exams or projects. Blink and Romeo were already there and Tony and Crutchie had just come in when Specs did.
“I’m starving,” announced Blink. “When are the others gonna’ get here?”
“Buttons will take forever,” said Specs, climbing up on the table.
Romeo swatted at him. “That’s where we’ll eat, dumbass. Get down from there!”
Tony grinned at them and turned to the door when it opened. Jack came in with Sean. Well, Spot.
There were some of them who preferred to be called by their real name. It wasn’t that they hated the one given to them by their friends. It was just… strange, like in any moment they’ll wake up just by the sound of their name. It was as if they’re in some kind of twisted dream, that they already know their fate and it will happen once they wake up. It felt as if they’ve never been really given another shot at living. That was how Tony felt. No one called him by his other name because they knew how much it made him flinch.
He was the one who pulled Sean aside that one night when everyone got together. He was the one who saw how he fidgeted every time someone called him ‘Spot’. He was the one who called him ‘Sean’ and reassured him that it was okay to be known by that name. Since then, it became an unspoken rule.
He had never seen Spot Conlon vulnerable before, not even when his whole turf depended on him. But as Tony placed both hands on his shoulders, it was Sean Conlon who released a shaky breath, realizing that he’s not carrying the weight of the world anymore. Not like before…
Sean sat down next to him and dumped his bag on the floor.
“Rough day?” asked Crutchie.
“No,” grumbled Sean. “Jack. That idiot is an uncultured swine.”
Jack jumped on the table and sat down. “Well, this idiot doesn’t care.”
“At least he calls himself ‘idiot’, Sean,” piped in Romeo from the next table.
Apparently, Jack and Sean were arguing about some art. Tony missed some points of it as he stared down at his phone, checking his messages. He had talked about conspiracy theories with Jojo, he had asked Crutchie where he was and he had sent Jack a meme in the early hours of the morning, receiving a ‘shut up’ in return. He sent the same meme to Elmer and received another one in return. Davey had asked him about some math problem. Why, he didn’t bother to ask. It was probably for his brother anyway. His last conversation with Albert was just two hours ago after Tony’s last class was dismissed. They talked about how Albert just wanted to ditch his minor subjects even though they both know he wouldn’t. Tony smiled at the picture Albert sent of himself, pretending to be bored out of his mind.
“That’s the top of the class right there,” remarked Blink as he looked over Tony’s shoulder.
Albert was studying Marine Biology and everyone knew he loved it. He was there for every class, no matter how much he whined about not wanting to go. He chuckled at Blink’s statement. Albert really is the top of his class.
He, Davey and Elmer finally arrived after twenty minutes. Blink was quick to call them out until Elmer flicked his forehead. Buttons ran in, expecting he was already so late until Mush, Tommy Boy and Finch almost toppled over him at the entry.
No one froze when Finch came in. They all learned how to be subtle over the years. It wasn’t quite easy. Blink had almost jumped on Mush when they first met. They introduced themselves to Finch and in turn, he introduced himself as Patrick. They talked to him, sat next to him and asked about what he’s studying and who his professors are. There was a time when Tony was the one in his place before.
“I talked to him earlier,” said JoJo, glancing towards Finch with a smile.
“How was he?” asked Crutchie.
It took a while before JoJo could find the right word.
“Familiar.”
Tony would have used that word as well, even as he looked around the room. For a moment, he could pretend that Jacobi is walking towards them, glasses of water on his little tray with a remark rewarding of eye rolls and groans. For a moment, he could let the boys call him-
“Tonio!” called Romeo from the other table. “Tell Patrick about that one time you made Turner walk out of class.”
He grinned and stood up from his chair.
That night, he curled up on the couch with the television on, playing a program he hardly paid attention to.
“It’s good that Romeo and Tommy Boy found Patrick,” said Albert from the kitchen. “He seemed to have fun today.”
“Yeah,” called back Tony. “It’s a good thing he came.”
Tony heard Albert’s footsteps come nearer. He reached the couch and raised Tony’s legs so he could sit down and then set them back down on his lap.
“Did you have fun today?” he asked.
“Of course,” replied Tony. “It’s you guys.”
Albert squeezed an ankle gently. “Are you okay?”
He meant to say ‘yes’ immediately because it has always been his go-to response. He looked at Albert and stopped short.
“I’m just happy Finch turned up,” he said, small and shaky.
Albert nudged him, asking him to sit up and he hesitantly did, avoiding Albert’s gaze. Tony knew that if he looked at him and he asked about what’s wrong, he might just spill everything. Albert always knew if there was something off, more so if it has something to do with Tony. But he’ll never pry. No, he’ll never push him to the edge.
“Tony,” he softly called.
Ah.
Why did it have to be Albert?
He sighed and looked up, seeing Albert smiling that stupid smile. It was soft, calming and just Albert.
“I’m happy you turned up, Tonio.”
Tony always looked over his shoulder. His eyes were always open for anyone who might jump them. The world was less kind before, especially to children like them. Tony learned how to be careful even if he couldn’t shut his mouth sometimes. He learned to run before they could even think of chasing him down. He learned how to hide because he’s not the only one who will get hurt. He’s not stupid. He knew the world was out to get those he loved. But now, safe in the confines of their own home, Tony pulled Albert closer to him and reveled in his warmth. This is something he doesn’t have to dream of anymore. For a moment, he didn’t have to pretend. For a moment, he let himself believe that he won’t ever have to.
He felt Albert’s lips touch his forehead.
“I’m so glad you’re real and here,” he whispered against his skin.
Don’t leave, Tony thought. Don’t ever leave.
He wasn’t there when Albert died. He remembered coming up to JoJo, asking him to talk to Albert and try to keep him awake. He went out into the snow and stopped by the church. He was only there for a short while, standing and shivering at the entry. He thought of how warm it would be to sit so close to the altar where the candles were lit. He thought of Albert in his bunk and JoJo taking care of him. He thought of Jack saying he will be back soon before he left for Santa Fe. He thought of all the boys and girls he’d come to care for. He thought of the future.
“You can take me,” he had whispered. “Just not them.”
He still had three papers left to sell when he saw Smalls from across the street, frantic and searching. When she told him the news, he disappeared for four days. It was JoJo who found him in one of the alleys in Queens. All those who have died have already been buried.
It took a lifetime for them to find each other again. It took them years to remember and convince themselves that they are not crazy. It took the world beating down on them for Tony to hold on to Albert until they fell asleep on the couch, safe and warm.
It was six months later when Finch knocked on Romeo and Tommy Boy’s dorm. He was out of breath, sweating and when he had been sat down, he was shaking. Romeo had told the others how pale he had been and how he had looked like he was ready to throw up. Finch had cried and the two let him sleep in their dorm.
The very next day, they were all at the diner and Finch had cried again as the boys came up to hug him. No one bothered to mention that some of the others had as well.
Tony opened his arms out wide for a hug. Finch embraced him.
“You’re okay, Patrick,” said Tony, laughing. “Took you long enough.”
The other boy let out a laugh as well and then sniffed, pulling him closer.
“You can call me Finch,” he muttered. “And I missed you too, Race.”
Finch didn’t know Tony’s breathing had hitched. He patted his back and pulled away when Davey walked up to them. Tony turned away and headed over to the table where Jack and Crutchie were talking. They stopped at the sight of Tony and he immediately smiled.
“What’s up, Tonio?” asked Jack, eyebrows furrowing.
“Race!”
“Tired,” he replied. “Pulled an all-nighter.”
“Sleep is for the weak,” piped in Buttons from the next table.
Tony punched his shoulder lightly. “You need sleep.”
They all started leaving after an hour or so. Finch was almost close to crying again. They parted ways from one another even though they’ll still definitely see each other around the campus. Albert and Tony walked back to their apartment together.
“Crutchie is inviting us to a seminar,” spoke Albert.
Tony groaned. “By seminar, do you mean other versions of Crutchie and Sean on stage talking Shakespeare?”
“I think you got it right.”
Their fingers brushed when Albert nudged him. Tony nudged him back with a little bit of more force.
“You’re a twig, Albert Dasilva,” he remarked.
“And that is coming from you, you limp noodle?” retaliated Albert.
Tony couldn’t help it but to laugh and Albert followed.
“It’s not like I’ve never heard that one before,” said Tony.
Albert was doing his smile again and instead of saying something, he took Tony’s hand and laced their fingers together. Tony resisted the urge to look over his shoulder even though he already knew that it was just two old women walking behind them. He pulled Albert closer to his side and continued their trek back to the apartment.
He woke that night with Albert in the next room. His hands fisted at his sheets as he gasped for air. It took a while before he calmed down and when he did, he thought he could taste cigarettes and blood. He rolled out of bed and snuck out of the apartment quietly, climbing up to the roof. He was there until the sun rose. He came down before Albert could wake up.
Tony was always careful even if those he looked out for and fought were long past memories now.
“Did you get any sleep, Anthony?” JoJo had asked as they walked to the auditorium.
Sean had cornered them a while ago while they were having lunch. They both complied to attend their seminar easily.
“A bit,” replied Tony, absent-mindedly.
JoJo nudged him with an elbow. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He smiled at JoJo tiredly.
“Just bad dreams,” he said. “Don’t worry, JoJo.”
“Tony, you know that you can always talk to me.”
“I know, man. Thank you.”
He fell asleep on JoJo’s shoulder during the seminar. He only woke up when the people started clapping and he immediately followed, if a little disoriented.
“No one noticed,” said JoJo to him.
They found Crutchie and Sean at the front of the room when everyone else began to leave.
“That wasn’t so bad, right?” asked Crutchie.
“It was great,” replied JoJo, genuinely.
“Yeah,” echoed Tony.
The door opened and Finch’s voice rang out in the auditorium.
“Is it over already?” he asked.
“No,” drawled out Sean. “It’s just starting.”
Finch flipped him off and walked towards the group. “You should have texted me. I was stuck in a group project all along.”
“Sorry, Finch,” consoled Crutchie. “Next time.”
He waved it off and flopped down on the nearest seat. “Hey, Racer, Albert was wondering where you were. You weren’t answering your phone.”
“Hey, Racetrack, you owe me one!”
“You's can see the stars from here, Racer.”
“Racer, we needs to leave now. They's coming for us.”
“Racetrack, come home.”
“Race, it’s okay.”
“He’s dead, Race.”
“Yeah, I forgot to turn it back on. I should go meet up with him now.”
Tony left the auditorium, trying to make his breathing even and his steps calm. The others called out ‘see you later’ and ‘bye’ and not trusting his voice, he lifted a hand to wave before he walked out. He didn’t go to his next class. He didn’t take out his phone to check his messages. He passed by the room where Albert was. He passed by the art room where Jack usually spends his time in. He rounded a corner when he saw Elmer and Specs. He left the university just when he felt his eyes stinging.
And he ran. Tony ran with his chest constricting and his ears ringing. He ran, shouldering past people and never stopping.
“Come back here, you punk!”
It was the apartment he reached and he threw his bag across the room, hitting the cabinet.
“Race, please come home. You's been gone for so long.”
“Why do we keep dying?”
Albert found him in the bathroom, sitting on the floor in the shower. It had not been opened but Tony was hugging himself, shivering. He didn’t move when Albert knelt down in front of him, calling his name. He didn’t flinch when his tears were wiped away. He didn’t want to. For a moment, he just wanted to be able to feel safe from his own memories.
“Come on. You's gonna’ stand up. We needs to get you to a doctor.”
“I’m sorry, JoJo.”
“Help, please!”
“I’m so sorry. I-I s-should have been with you and Albert a-and… everyone.”
For a moment, he just wanted to be swallowed whole by the voices. He just wanted to wake up because it could be easier to believe that he doesn’t have this life. He doesn’t deserve it.
I don’t.
I don’t.
“Where were you, Race?!”
“We's been looking all over for you!”
“Why did you leave us?”
“Race!”
He needed to wake up. He has to.
“You's gonna’ look out for everyone, Race. I’s gonna be back soon, don’t you worry.”
“You can count on me, Jack.”
He’ll be back soon in his own bunk.
“Race, don’t… leave.”
“I’s gonna’ sell today, Albie. Gotta sell a lot of papes to get you a doctor.”
He’ll go back to the life he was doomed to live. It’s what he deserves.
“Race.”
Skin touched skin. He felt how warm it was and he slowly looked up. Albert was there.
“Race, I’m here. It’s okay. I got you.”
The first time Albert had called him by that name was when they were fifteen in the school fields. That was the only time until now.
Anthony Higgins, Racetrack, let out a sob.
He felt arms go around him. He felt the cold tiles under him. He heard the honking of cars from outside. He heard the muffled music from next door. He felt Albert breathing. He could hear his heartbeat. He could hear his cries. He could feel something breaking inside of him.
You’re not in a dream.
“You’re here, Race. You’re with me. This is real.”
Then why was he here? He doesn’t deserve this, not in the slightest bit. Tony wanted to pull away. He wanted to wake up.
Albert held him for what seemed like hours. He was there until his cries subsided. He was there until he fell quiet again. He was there even when he woke up in his own bed. The morning had already come and its light filled the room with a glow that made Albert’s hair seemed alight with fire. He reached up a hand to touch it.
“Morning, Tonio,” Albert croaked out.
Tony dropped his hand and Albert caught it, lacing their fingers together. He watched as their hands came together. He stared as their skin touched.
“Do you ever wonder why we were given another chance?” he spoke.
Albert let his eyes close and he let out a sigh. For a moment, he didn’t say anything. For a moment, he let the silence envelope them until he placed their hands on his chest, right where Tony could feel his heart beating.
“For that, Race.”