Work Text:
Most of the time JD didn't let his facial hair grow but would shave it every day before work.
Everyone thought of him as this childish guy, the Sacred Heart Peter Pan, the kid who never grew up, and because they thought so, he did, too. So he didn't think it'd fit for him to have facial hair that would make him look older. He'd probably look strange with facial hair anyway, and everyone, especially Dr. Cox, would laugh at him.
Expectations can be hard to live up to sometimes. People often want you to be a certain way and you can't be what you want to be or do what you want to do. You have to act like everything is all right, like you're happy. Even if you're not.
JD stood in front of his locker and pulled out his clothes. It was the end of his shift and he was finally getting ready to leave. Everyone else was already gone, but he had to stay late to do a test for one of his patients.
He closed the locker slowly and gently. Since it was so late, he knew he wasn't likely to be interrupted. He slid onto the stool and sighed, letting his arms drop and his clothes fall to the floor. He sighed again, his eyes drifting close, his breathing heavy and slow.
After about ten minutes, he forced himself to get up. He was exhausted and tempted to leave them there, but he bent and gathered his clothes. He walked towards the door. He paused, leaning against the doorknob for a moment, before leaving the room.
The alarm clock was driving JD crazy. He slid to the end of the bed and shut it off, and then flopped back down onto the pillows, refusing to get up.
Fuck it, I'm staying in bed today. I'm not going to work and I'm not getting up except to eat and go to the bathroom. So what if they get angry? Screw them. They can manage one day without me. They probably won't even notice if I'm not there. They'll probably just notice a pleasant change in the air since there'll be no one going around annoying people or tripping on things and breaking things.
He heard Turk's door open. He could hear Carla talking and then he heard the tell-tale sounds of kissing. He sighed and made himself get out of bed. But the depressive thoughts kept circling in monde, tormenting him.
"Good morning, Bambi," Carla said cheerfully while snuggling into Turk.
"Good morning," JD mumbled.
"Good morning, dog. 'Sup? Tomato soup today at lunch," Turk said, lifting his hand for a high-five.
JD ignored it and mumbled "Good morning" again. He walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He didn't see the confused looks Turk and Carla exchanged.
He knew they probably didn't understand why he'd ignored them, but he didn't care. He used the bathroom and flushed the toilet, then went to the sink and stared at himself in the mirror.
They probably didn't really care and preferred that he went into the bathroom, leaving them alone. They'd been a couple for a long time now, and Carla was practically living with them. JD was probably just in their hair. He'd felt for quite some time that he should leave and find a place of his own. How pathetic was he? Almost all of his friends were either married or in a serious relationship, and he was still single, living with his friend and his girlfriend in the same apartment.
A loud bang cut through his thoughts. "Come on, JD, I need the bathroom. I'm going to pee I my boxers if you don't get out soon." Turk yelled impatiently.
"Okay, okay, I'm hurrying," JD yelled back. He turned on the faucet and splashed water onto his face, trying to wake himself up and drive his nasty thoughts away. It woke him up, at least, but it didn't do much for the second thing.
He took the razor and brought it close to his face but then stopped and looked at himself in the mirror again.
Why did he have to do this every morning?
I don't really care anymore how I look.
He hadn't gone out recently because he was tired of being turned down.
Nobody would want me anyway, so why do I have to care about how I look? I'll look bad anyway.
He realized that the only reason he kept shaving his face and taking care of himself was because he was worried about what other people thought. He couldn't win the battle to stay in bed or move out or just disappear, but he could win this one. He set the razor back on the sink.
Fuck what everybody says. This time I mean it.
The next day was the same. He woke up, stayed in bed telling himself he wasn't going to work, but in the end he got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He stared at his pale and exhausted face in the mirror, but this time he didn't even lift the razor.
By the third day, soft, short hairs were starting to appear on his face.
Though he couldn't say why, JD's feelings deteriorated as time passed. Things were the same as always, but he felt worse and worse. It seemed that was the reason; his depression was eating him inside. He almost didn't eat and began losing sleep.
His thoughts didn't give him any rest. They became a ritual for him.
I'm a loser. I'm a 30-year-old pathetic loser. I don't have a girlfriend. I live with Turk and Carla and I'm just an asshole who won't leave and give them their space. Nobody appreciates me. Every day at work is hell. The Janitor tortures me. Dr. Cox tortures me even more. He has no idea how much he hurts me. I always say the wrong thing. I can't do anything right. How can I be such a loser, such a crybaby? There are a lot of people who have it so much worse than I have it, and I still feel so sorry for myself. It would be better for everyone if I weren't alive anymore.
JD was feeling crappy, but he didn't want anyone to know. He acted the way he usually did, jumping in the hospital, making jokes, making it look like when Dr. Cox gave him his rants he didn't care about it and it didn't hurt like hell. He tried to look enthusiastic when Turk dragged him out with him, though all he wanted to do was to stay in his bed and listen to music, trying not to think too much about how everything was shit.
He didn't want to ruin the image people had of him. Also, he didn't want to deal with everyone asking him how he felt and all that shit. He knew that nothing and no one could save him this time.
Though he acted like everything was the same, he couldn't hide how he looked. He was pale and skinny and he hadn't shaved for some time.
When the beard started to show, Dr. Cox noticed it immediately.
"Good morning Nora, what happened? You found yourself a boyfriend so you decided since you didn't need to do a bikini wax anymore, it wouldn't be horrible if you stopped shaving your legs too, and then you just figured what the hell? You could stop shaving your face too? Well, listen to my advice, if you keep doing this, he will leave you crying on the sofa, drinking a cosmopolitan and watching Sex and the City alone, so I suggest that you cut the feminist act and start shaving. You look utterly ridiculous, Newbie. Then again, if you keep it, it'll at least give me something to laugh about every day."
Normally, this would embarrass him, make him run off to shave his beard, but he just couldn't let himself be dragged down by Dr. Cox again. He had to win this battle. He was afraid that if he grabbed the razor to shave his beard, it wouldn't be the only thing he'd cut.
He wanted to shout in Dr. Cox's face, to tell him to fuck off with his rants. He imagined himself pushing Dr. Cox, knocking him to the floor; he imagined hitting him until he couldn't any longer. He imagined Dr. Cox wrapping him in a tight hug and telling him everything was going to be okay.
But that would never happen, and he felt stupid for thinking that.
JD took the charts from Dr. Cox's hand. He checked the name of the patient and the room on the first one and went to do his job without a word.
Dr. Cox watched him as he walked away. He noticed that beside the beard, JD was looking quite pale. He also found it strange that JD just took the charts from his hands and went away without saying anything to him. It seemed the usual spark was missing from his eyes.
In the next couple of days, Dr. Cox noticed that JD was looking and acting differently than usual. He was quiet, he walked lifelessly through the hospital, and he looked depressed. Maybe not everybody could notice those things but Dr. Cox knew him well.
He noticed that JD reacted differently to his rants then he usually did. He would just listen to him with a hollow look in his eyes and he hardly said anything to him. And although his eyes were hollow, Dr. Cox could tell something terrible was going on behind them. He wouldn't admit it to JD or even to himself, but he was starting to worry about him.
He yelled at him, laughed at him, tortured him, told him to leave him alone, told him he didn't care about him, but the truth was that he cared a lot. He actually cared about him more than he did about most people. And with JD looking pale, tired, and beginning to lose weight, Dr. Cox felt like he was seeing him vanish in front of his eyes.
It didn't make a lot of sense to him at first. JD was always happy and never acted like that, but Dr. Cox knew him well. He could see he was in a bad place. JD was putting on an act so that nobody would notice how he felt, but Dr. Cox could see through it.
When nothing changed around JD and he didn't do anything to make himself feel better, it didn't take long until he broke down. In the state he was in, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
"That's it. Leave me alone. Fuck off," JD screamed at Dr. Cox with fire in his eyes.
The color had suddenly returned to his eyes. After a long time of looking blank and filled with sadness, now they were also filled with anger.
JD couldn't stand it anymore. He'd had enough. As Dr. Cox looked at him shocked, with his mouth hanging open a little, JD turned away from him and stormed out of the hospital. He could hear Dr. Cox calling after him. "Newbie. Newbie. Stop. Where the hell do you think you're going? Come back here."
Dr. Cox ran out of the hospital just as JD got on his scooter. He began to run after him, but JD had already started to drive away.
JD parked his scooter next to his building and climbed the stairs to his apartment quickly. He reached his door, took his key out of his pocket, and struggled to put it into the lock. Finally, though, he managed to unlock the door. He slammed the door, locking it, and threw the key onto the kitchen counter.
He went quickly into his room, then he stopped and looked around, scanning the place while he tried to figure out what to do now.
Okay, calm down. Relax.
He drew a long, slow breath, managing to calm himself a little, and then he sat on his bed. His mind was going crazy. Thinking about everything that had happened lately, thinking about how he had just left the hospital and how he yelled at Dr. Cox, thinking about what he wanted to do now and if he really wanted to do it.
Then he made up his mind.
Was he sure about it? What if it was a stupid idea? What if he regretted it after he did it? What if he changed his mind when it was too late?
I'm so stupid to think that my problems are bigger than anyone else's. There are people that have it much worse than I do. I don't know if I should do it. What if it makes my family and friends sad? It would be selfish of me to do that to them.
He breathed in again and put his head in his hands.
They won't care. I've told myself all those things every time but I still end up wanting to do this in the end. I'm so sick of feeling like this. I want it to be over. That's it. I need to do it. I want to stop the pain.
He raised his head from his hands. A smile was starting to form on his face. He'd decided he wanted to do it, and that had made him a little happy. It made him feel better to know that those feelings were going to go away.
He got up from his bed and went to the bathroom. He put his hands on both sides of the sink and gave the razor sitting there a long look. He picked it up with his left hand. His right hand was still holding the sink. He then raised his head to the mirror and closed his eyes. He sighed heavily.
After some time he opened his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror. He gave himself a harsh and painful look.
He wanted to love who he saw in the mirror so much, but he couldn't.
JD released his hold on the sink and walked out of the bathroom. He went back to his room and sat on the bed. Then he lay on it and closed his eyes. His left hand was still clenching the razor.
He wished he hadn't yelled at Dr. Cox. He wanted to thank him for everything he did for him. He wanted to say goodbye. The last thing he did was yell at him. Now all he wanted was to hold him close and thank him for everything.
Dr. Cox may have done a lot of bad things to him and made him want to cry a lot of the time. He'd tortured him from the first day JD had come to the hospital. But still, he had done so much for him since they met.
JD thought of his family, his friends, everything he could think about in the few minutes he gave himself.
He sighed again and sat on the bed. He had to pick a song. His stereo and his CD shelf were next to his bed. He went to his CD shelf and looked at the CDs. Finally, he picked one and looked at it. He smiled to himself and went to put the CD into his stereo.
The song he chose to play was Fair by Remy Zero. He loved that song.
He took the remote and sat back down. He closed his eyes and sighed again.
That's it.
Goodbye.
JD pressed the button on the remote control and the song started to play. He turned up the volume. He opened his hand and looked at the razor.
Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground
And that damage was done
It's cold as you fade into the sun
Where'd you go? To me
Dr. Cox went to his car and drove to JD's apartment. He got to his building and saw his scooter parked under it. He felt relieved, glad that he'd found him so quickly. He ran up the stairs to JD's apartment.
When he was in the hall, he could hear the music JD had put on. He reached the door and started knocking on it. Nobody answered. He knocked harder and harder, but the music was too loud. He tried turning the knob but it was locked.
"Damn it," he said under his breath.
But you're alive
Well, it's only
Fallen frames, they told me
You stand out, it's so loud
And so what if it is?
It's cold as you face into the wind
Where to go?
Tonight a sun shall see its light
He kept knocking on the door but he got no response. He started shouting. He was afraid something was wrong and that he had to get in as quickly as possible.
JD didn't hear the knocking. He was too deep in his thoughts and the music was too loud. He switched the razor from his left hand to his right. He was bringing the razor to his left wrist when he suddenly realized he could hear Dr. Cox calling his name. He thought he was imagining it.
"Newbie. Newbie. Open the door. Come on. I know you're in there," Dr. Cox kept shouting. As the time passed and JD didn't answer the door he kept shouting louder and louder.
As Dr. Cox's shouting became louder JD realized that he wasn't imagining it. Dr. Cox was outside his door, shouting for him. He wanted so much to see him one last time and to talk to him, but he couldn't let him get in.
Dr. Cox was getting more and more worried. He started trying to break the door. He slammed his body into it again and again. It hurt but he didn't care. He had to get into the apartment.
After a few times of ramming his body against the door, the lock broke and the door flew open. Dr. Cox ran inside and scanned the apartment, looking for JD. Then he saw him in his room. He walked quickly towards him and then he realized JD was holding a razor to his wrist.
JD looked up and saw Dr. Cox coming closer to him. He froze, not knowing what to do.
"JD," Dr. Cox was looking at him with shock.
JD was stunned. Dr. Cox called him by his real name. His eyes were starting to fill with tears and his face was full of pain and misery.
So what if you catch me,
Where would we land?
In somebody's life
For taking his hands
Sing to me hope
As she's thrown on the sand
All of our work
Is rated again
Where to go?
"Dr. Cox, please. Don't try to stop me. Please," he begged him with a cracking voice. He brought the razor closer to his hand. Dr. Cox noticed and slowly moved closer to JD.
"Please don't," JD pleaded. He looked down to his hand. He put the razor on his wrist and shivered a little from its coldness. He pressed it down and a small trail of blood started to well from beneath the blade.
Dr. Cox looked in horror. He waited for a chance. JD moved the razor from his hand for a moment and looked at his wrist. Dr. Cox seized the opportunity, lunging forward quickly and grabbing the younger man's hands. JD tried to wrestle away, but Dr. Cox only tightened his hold.
"JD, it's not worth it. Come on, stop fighting me. You know you don't want to do this. Come on. Stop it," Dr. Cox tried to sound as sure of himself as he could. Normally he could start ranting or lecturing JD in a second. Most of the time he felt like he had control over what was happening. But right now, he could feel his control slipping away. He didn't know what to say or do.
JD looked at Dr. Cox with pain. He didn't have the power to fight him anymore. Though he had wanted to see him again, he wasn't sure if he was glad that Dr. Cox had stopped him.
JD stopped fighting Dr. Cox, going limp in his arms. Dr. Cox loosened his hold on his hands, watching carefully to make sure he didn't start fighting again. He slowly took his hands off of JD and then took the razor from him. He hesitated for a moment, wondering where he should put it, then finally stuck it in his pocket.
The blood was still trickling from JD's hand, and a stain was starting to grow on the carpet. Dr. Cox knelt in front of JD and looked up into his face. He felt near tears and bit his lip to stop himself from breaking down.
He grabbed JD's face, drawing his eyes from the bloody stain in the carpet and raising them to meet his own.
"Why?" He asked.
JD couldn't answer.
After a few seconds Dr. Cox realized that he should stop staring at JD and bind his hand.
He rose from the floor and grabbed JD's unharmed hand. JD obeyed reluctantly, allowing Dr. Cox to lead him to the bathroom. There, the older man turned on the faucet, then took JD's hand and gently put it under the stream of water. JD flinched in pain.
"I'm sorry," Dr. Cox whispered.
JD watched as his blood ran into the sink. It wasn't a big cut but it was rather deep. After some minutes Dr. Cox closed the faucet and took a small towel that was hanging on the wall. He wrapped it around JD's hand and dried it gently. A small stain of blood started to form on the towel.
Dr. Cox threw the towel on the sink and opened the drawers looking for a bandage. Luckily, he found one pretty fast and he attended JD's hand.
After assuring the bandaging was strong enough, he led JD back into his bedroom.
JD sat on the bed and Dr. Cox stood there for a few minutes, watching him.
"Do you want some water?" He asked. JD didn't answer. Dr. Cox walked to the kitchen and came back with a glass full of water. He offered it to JD, but he didn't take it, so he put it on the stand beside JD's bed. He stood again looking at him, wondering what to do—then suddenly got an idea.
He went to the kitchen again and filled a glass with water. Then he went to the bathroom and looked for a clean razor and shaving cream.
While Dr. Cox went searching in the bathroom, JD took the glass and drained the water in it in one gulp.
Dr. Cox came back and saw the empty glass on the stand. He smiled.
"Great," he said, and then he got down on his knees again, facing JD. He placed the glass of water, the razor, and the shaving cream on the carpet. Then he took JD's face in his hands and made him look at him.
"You don't have to do this, but I think that you should turn a new page, and to do so, you may want to get rid of one of the things that characterized the bad time you've been having. I'm sorry I made fun of you. You look fine with the beard. I was just acting like my stupid usual self."
JD didn't replay but he also didn't stop Dr. Cox when he started spreading the shaving cream on his face. He dipped the razor in the water.
And you were, somehow
The rain this thing could allow
I tried but it's all wrong
You're so strong
And this life and work
And choice took far too long
Where to go?
Tonight a sun shall see its light
After some time, JD's face was clean and smooth again. Instead of making him look better, however, it only served to reveal just how pale and skinny he had become.
So what if you catch me,
Where would we land?
In somebody's life
For taking his hands
Sing to me hope
As she's thrown on the sand
All of our work
Is rated again
Dr. Cox looked at his face and waited for him to speak, or react at all, but JD was still.
Suddenly, something came over Dr. Cox. The thought of losing JD had haunted him ever since the young man had stormed from the hospital and it made him understand more and more how much JD meant to him.
Without thinking, he moved forward and began placing little kisses across JD's now smooth face. JD was a little shocked but was powerless to object. The truth was, he didn't want to; he closed his eyes and let the feeling of Dr. Cox's kisses warm his heart.
Dr. Cox dotted kisses along his jaw all the way to his ear, then stopped to look at him again. JD finally opened his eyes and his gaze met Dr. Cox's. He took JD's face in his hands and gently drew him down, planting a kiss on his lips. It was a gentle, soft kiss, which Dr. Cox was powerless to stop. The desire to kiss JD had grown so strong that he was certain if he didn't heed to it, he would explode. All the long-held tension and emotions, both from the events of that evening and from the entire time they'd known each other, were drained into that kiss.
JD reacted to Dr. Cox this time. After a few stunned moments, he kissed him back. JD reached forward, wrapping his arms around Dr. Cox's waist, as Dr. Cox's hand slid from JD's cheek to the joint of his neck and shoulder. The kiss deepened and grew more insistent.
After a while, they broke apart, staring at each other. After a moment, Dr. Cox smiled. JD did not return it, but Dr. Cox knew he was simply not yet able to do so. They had a lot to talk about, still, but now wasn't the time.
Dr. Cox moved from kneeling on the floor, walking to the other side of the bed and sitting next to JD. The younger man turned toward him and they both lay on their sides, facing each other. Dr. Cox took JD's hands in his.
"Why?"
He spoke quietly. "I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I was nothing and like I had no soul in the world. Nobody cares about me and nobody would care if I went away. I wanted the pain to go away. I…" There was so much to say that he just decided to stop there for now. He didn't want to keep thinking about those things. He wanted to focus on Dr. Cox.
His depression hadn't gone away. What had happened between them didn't change that. Not immediately, anyway. He didn't know yet if he could trust Dr. Cox. When you feel so alone, when you can't love yourself, it's hard to believe someone else can love you and you start looking for signs to prove to yourself it isn't true. But he decided to give it a chance. Dr. Cox's hold on his hands, his eyes looking deep into his, and especially their kiss, had all made him want to try.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"You don't need to apologize," Dr. Cox replied.
Then JD started crying. It was a gentle weeping at first, but it grew soon to gasping sobs. Dr. Cox moved forward and pulled JD into his arms.
And I was sure you'd follow through
The world was turned to blue
When you'd hide your songs would die
So I'd hide yours with mine
All my words were bound to fail
But I know you won't fail
See, I can tell
"JD, it'll be okay. I promise," he whispered. JD kept crying. "Listen," Dr. Cox continued, "I promise that I'll be there for you whenever you need me. We'll get you help, and you'll work on things and you'll get better. You'll remember how much everyone here loves you and cares about you and you won't have to do it alone. I'll be with you every step of the way."
He hoped JD heard him, that his words were reaching him. Slowly he stopped crying.
They lay there for a long time in quiet. No one said a word. No one knew what to say. They just looked into each other's eyes. Dr. Cox started stroking JD's hands. JD looked at their hands and then he shifted his gaze to Dr. Cox's face. He moved closer to Dr. Cox, closing the gap between them until his mouth was almost touching his ear. "I'm glad you came here after me. Thank you." He whispered. He finally told him he was thankful.
It was for saving his life, but not only that. He was thankful for everything he'd done for him since they met.
He shifted his face again and now he was facing Dr. Cox, who was smiling at him.
JD smiled back. It was a small smile, but it was something. Dr. Cox stroked JD's hair.
"It's going to be okay," he said again.
He reached closer to JD and kissed him. After a while, they broke the kiss and Dr. Cox hugged him tightly, JD's head on his chest.
They both closed their eyes and drifted into a deep sleep.