Chapter Text
Whizzer has known Marvin practically his whole life.
He has fuzzy memories of meeting the other boy in kindergarten. Marvin would pitch fits like nobody's business, and when Whizzer told him to knock it off, the two of them got into a real, physical fight that resulted in both of their guardians being called. The next time Marvin saw him, he declared Whizzer his lifelong enemy. That cold, bitter, kindergarten rivalry lasted for about a week. They have had an official armistice since one particular snack time where they threw cheese puffs back and forth at each other. One landed in Marvin’s unkempt head full of thick, dark, curls and Whizzer giggled. He laughed and smiled and Marvin’s stone exterior melted just a little to reveal a softness underneath that Whizzer has learned to cherish. So there they say, two lifelong enemies and rivals giggling like fools with cheese puffs all around them.
Whizzer would like to think his crush started there. Or at least, that is when the seedlings were planted.
From then on, they were inseparable. And civil. Or, well, more civil. They still argued and got into tussles, but underneath all of that they knew that the other boy really, actually cared. Like when Marvin’s parents got increasingly more absent, Whizzer let him come around to his home often. Whizzer’s family was large and inviting and homely and blended, and they all seemed to genuinely love each other. His family took to Marvin quickly, making a quiet place for him, seemingly taking thread and stitching him into Whizzer’s little patchwork family. It wasn’t uncommon to see Marvin trailing behind Whizzer whenever he was home. His parents took to secretly calling him ‘Whizzer’s shadow’ when neither boy was in earshot - much to Marvin’s mortification when he found out in high school.
When they wanted to be alone, though, they hung out at Marvin’s home. Though he had maids and other people his parents hired to take care of the house and their son, they left them almost completely unbothered. In fact, Whizzer doubted very seriously he had ever had a conversation with one that lasted for a few minutes. Whizzer, when he first met them, thought Marvin just had a lot of people that lived with him, but he had to quickly explain that ‘ no Whizzer, these people don’t live with me. They just work for my parents. ’ Marvin’s life was … lonesome. Categorized by coldness and a distinct feeling of being left out.
But that’s alright. For a while, Whizzer was enough for Marvin. All through their young elementary years, where they used to bicker and argue at recess and wave excitedly at each other from across the hall whenever they walked by each other because there was no way in hell the teachers would agree to- or advise- them ever being put in the same class for an entire day again. All through middle school, where they argued over which electives to share and where Whizzer threatened to karate chop kids since he was being trained in karate and yes, Marvin, that does make me one hundred times more lethal than you, thank you for asking . But in high school, they both branched out as people, got new friends.
Whizzer was the star player on the baseball team, for one, which skyrocketed his popularity. He was also openly gay, which made him a bit of a curosity to others. People Whizzer never really wanted to associate with clung to him, proclaiming that he was their ‘gay best friend’. Boys Whizzer never saw a future with came to him, curious or closeted. While Whizzer seemed to have an almost movie-esk high-school experience, Marvin’s was much more mundane. He joined theater, got the lead as Columbus when he was a freshman - which outraged the seniors. When he was there he met some friends. They were both timid techs, that Whizzer would be forced to recognize as staples in Marvin’s life from freshman year onward. Marvin even had a girlfriend, at one point, a girl who stuck up for him in places where Whizzer was absent. Whizzer hated her. He shouldn’t have, really. She was a nice, beautiful girl with long blond hair and a fiery personality. She should’ve been perfect for Marvin. Whizzer tried to be happy for him, but he couldn’t help but feel relief and satisfaction when Marvin calmed shrugged and told him that they broke up one day. It made Whizzer preen when Marvin said how he didn’t even really like her all that much, anyways.
Then, their eyes met and Whizzer smiled at Marvin. Marvin stared for a few seconds before giving back a hesitant smile and tilting his head a bit. Whizzer giggled, breathlessly, helplessly at the eye contact. Marvin’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion, but the smile from his face didn’t drop. After a little bit, they were both just laughing into the air, over nothing at all. Whizzer realized, one hand gripping Marvin’s thigh as laughs shook his shoulders, that he was screwed. That he’d been screwed. The flipping in his stomach, and the ache in his chest, and the fluttering, tingling feeling that ran through him oh, so often when he was with Marvin finally clicked together in his head.
And in this moment, he wondered if he would ever get over the other man.
“Listen to this,” Marvin said one morning, sliding up to Whizzer’s locker and crossing his arms with a huff of annoyance, “Mendel said the dumbest thing this morning when I came to pick him up.”
Whizzer smiled at him and raised an eyebrow.
Marvin looked at him and took his silence as a free invitation to continue, “He said he’s going to be a psychiatrist. He would be so bad at that, Whizzer. Whiz, Whizzer, Whizzer Brown,” Marvin said, reaching out and grabbing Whizzer’s shoulders, suddenly. Whizzer was reminded of a time before Whizzer hit his growth spurt where Marvin was taller than him. “He would be so bad ,” Marvin reiterated, more urgently, shaking him just a little, “He can’t even drive himself to school without having a breakdown. What could he do for others? What would he do?”
Whizzer laughed, airy and carefree, “I don’t know, Marv, he might surprise you.” Reluctantly, Whizzer brushed Marvin’s strong hands off of his shoulders, he couldn’t take the building warmth and faint tingling, “I mean, he manages to calm you when you’re flying off the deep-end, right?” Internally, Whizzer screamed at himself for not being enough for Marvin. He would only make the other boy’s problems worse - he knows - but he wishes he could better help him. He hates that someone else is filling a role that he once filled effortlessly.
Marvin pouted childishly, shoving his hands into the pockets of his red hoodie that he wore around like armor. His gaze drifted somewhere around his shoes. He never looks Whizzer in the eyes after he gets near the taller boy or touches him. He barely looks at Whizzer anymore. “That’s different. Imagine him being like … a real psychiatrist. Who gets paid. Like eighty dollars an hour or something.”
Whizzer smirked, placing a hand on his hip and jutting his hip out. Marvin’s eyes followed his hips for a moment before placing themselves back down at the ground. “Wow,” He said flatly, “In New York City, with no insurance? Good man.” Whizzer nodded. He was saying this mostly to get a rise out of Marvin, who let out a huff through his nostrils, “Maybe once he gets out of medical school, I’ll go see him. God knows I won’t make much as a photographer or … whatever it is I choose to be.” He waved with his free hand. He watched as, once more, Marvin’s eyes lingered wherever he moved his hands before darting back down to the ground.
Marvin shrugged, fixing his head to look off toward the other student drifting aimlessly through the hallways before the bell sounds and they scurry to join the rat race once more. “I’ll be sure to let him know. Hell, he might even give you a friends and family discount.”
“He should be giving that to you. You practically are his family,” Whizzer chided carelessly. Marvin pursed his lips and furrowed his eyebrows but said nothing more. Whizzer frowned and turned to face the meandering, faceless students.
Sometimes he wondered if Marvin felt as distant as Whizzer did, or if the ache in his chest and the twitch in his fingers amplified it in his mind.
“Marvin,” A high pitched voice sounded through the air. Whizzer recognized it as his other friend, Trina. He met her when they were leaving the bathrooms. Quite the meet-cute , Whizzer’s mind supplied, Great job there. It’s probably destiny . “Hey, Marv!” She chirped. Whizzer stood, right as a rod for only a moment. He had never met anyone who called the other boy ‘Marv’. But then … there’s Trina. It’s not even that original of a nickname for someone, but it was Whizzer’s. As if just noticing he was there, Trina smiled a fake, polite smile at Whizzer, “Good morning, Whizzer. Always nice to see you.” She waved at him timidly, bringing a large physical science textbook to her chest and hugging it there.
“Morning,” Marvin said as a greeting, standing up straighter than he did before. He fidgeted in place slightly. “What’s up, Trina? What do you need?” He asked quite bluntly. It gave Whizzer a small amount of satisfaction to see Trina’s smile falter if just a little. It fed the fire that burned within him at the mention of Marvin.
As if on cue, Trina quickly pulled the smile back on her face but her features were pulled more taught than before. “Mendel forgot his history textbook in your car and he has a test in third period. He said he wants to get some studying in before having to be, and I quote,” She raised her fingers to make the air quotation signs, “‘Dragged through hell.’”
“Jesus,” Marvin groaned and dragged his hands down his face dramatically. He met Trina’s gaze and made firm eye-contact with her. His eyes weren’t stuck to the ground, stubbornly staying there despite attempts to get him to look over. “Let’s go help that mess of a man.” He turned to Whizzer and gave him this endearing half-smile and met his eyes. Whizzer’s heart picked up speed and fluttered and ached. He looked so aloof, so charming; Whizzer had to ball his fists up tight and dig his bitten nails into his skin just to resist the urge to kiss him. “See you soon, Whizzer.” He said with a laugh. His blue eyes twinkled and Whizzer’s resolve faltered for a moment. Nearly reached out, but Marvin was already moving away, too far from his grasp. This boy that was so close to him slipped right through his fingertips just when he built up the courage.
He wished he had the same courage to approach Marvin that he had with other boys at their school. It would make everything so much easier. If he could be so laissez faire about the shorter boy. But Marvin means too much to him. If he showed Marvin his whole hand and left himself vulnerable … Well that is just begging to get hurt.
“See you, Marv,” He used that nickname, hoping it made Trina prickle as much as it made Whizzer, “Hope Mendel gets his book backs! Love to meet him one day!” He called out, watching as Marvin barked out a quick laugh and continued his quick pace out of the hallway.
And Whizzer ached.
He ached from a distance as he watched Marvin’s theater performances. He ached when he knew Marvin was at his baseball game, tolerating a sport he despises for the sake of his friend, Whizzer. Whizzer ached when the time for prom came and Marvin shrugged at him, announcing his lack of plans to even attend.
“What?!” Whizzer asked incredulously, slamming his hand down roughly onto the table at Marvin’s home. “What do you mean you’re not going to prom?” He nearly shouted. Nearly leapt across the table to shake him and ask him what he was thinking.
Marvin raised an eyebrow at his reaction to the news. “What?” He mimicked Whizzer’s earlier cry of confusion, although much more mundane and quieted. “It’s not that strange, Whizzer. I don’t like the crowds. It’s not really my scene, you know. Plus it’s not like I have anyone to go with, either.” He punctuated his sentence with a half-hearted shrug and avoided eye-contact by tracing small stars into the wood of his table.
Whizzer bit his tongue so he didn’t offer himself up as Marvin’s date, not unlike Katniss Everdeen to a killing game. He slid back into his chair and pinched his features together. “What about Trina?” Whizzer suggested, and hated it the second it came out of his mouth. The words tasted like bile and lemon warheads on his tongue. “Isn’t she, like, all over you all the time?” Whizzer said with a laugh that was very forced and not at all real. It sounded like canned laughter one would play during a terrible sitcom that got cancelled after one season. “If you asked, she would say yes, no questions asked.”
Marvin looked … well, uncomfortable. “Trina and I aren’t like that,” He said quickly, fidgeting with the frayed sleeves of his well-loved hood. “I’m not …” Marvin began, but then stopped abruptly. He looked up and caught Whizzer’s eye. At that moment, he looked so helpless, so young, so afraid. Whizzer reached his hand out to Marvin for any sort of physical comfort, but Marvin pulled back like he had been preemptively scorched by Whizzer’s touch. The look on his face was gone, and he was now glancing out the window, worrying at his bottom lip. Whizzer licked his own and ached. “We’re not like that. Just friends.”
Whizzer nodded. “You could go with me.” He did not mean to say that.
“What?!” It was Marvin’s turn to almost shout. He turned to Whizzer, eyes opened fully, completely bewildered. He was on the edge of his seat, posture perfect for once in his life. Some sweat dripped from his brow, a tell-tale sign that Marvin was nervous. He was leaning forward and his shoulders were more tense than Whizzer thinks he’s ever seen them and… Yeah, ow, that one hurts.
“As a friend,” Whizzer added cooly, examining his nails that he longed to bite on to release some form of anxiety. “As like, a plus one, ‘yaknow?” He said, grinning up at Marvin. His body language has returned almost to normal now, but he was worrying his bottom lip again. A face Whizzer couldn’t quite place - but was decidingly melancholy enough to make Whizzer feel like he had said something wrong - found its way onto his features.
Marvin nodded, reaching up and brushing some thick curls out of his face, toying with them as he dragged his hand down the side of his face. “Yeah, of course,” He said after a quick moment. His blue eyes darted up toward Whizzer’s brown ones for a moment, before looking literally anywhere else. “I don’t know, I feel like you could get a date without pity-taking me. I wouldn’t want to rob you of a real prom experience.”
Whizzer waved a hand dismissively, “I wouldn’t want to go if you’re not there,” Whizzer said and wow, he should really just stop talking today . He gave an uneasy smile, desperate to not come off as too smarmy. Or at least not as insincere as he feels considering what he says next.. “I wouldn’t feel good knowing my best friend was at home while I was living a great life at prom. That just wouldn’t be fair.” And Whizzer wants to cry. That shouldn’t be them at all. A best friend, a good pal. Whizzer aches. A very real physical ache.
When things get too touchy or personal, Whizzer often finds he has no idea how to handle the situations. So he does what he has always done: he leaves. He pulls out his phone and puts on his best fake pout he can manage as he gathers his studying supplies off Marvin’s kitchen table. “That’s mom,” Whizzer said quickly, “Wants me to come home early. Jack’s visiting from college,” He said with an easy shrug. While Whizzer’s older brother, Jack, was visiting soon, it wasn’t until later in the week. “I’ll see you soon, Marv.” He cooed. Whizzer slung his back on his back harder than he intended and accidentally winded himself for a few seconds before turning around and giving his shorter friend a little salute. “Let me know what you decide, okay? I’d love to go just as your plus one.”
And just like that, he was gone before Marvin could say another word to him.
When Whizzer got home, he curled up in his bed and wondered if it was so bad to go to prom with him. If going to prom with another boy warranted the reaction Marvin gave him. Well … Marvin is no homophobe. Whizzer wondered if the thought of going to prom with him was so abhorrent to Marvin that he seemed to be nervous and bewildered by the idea. He aches.
Despite that, Whizzer got one reaction all messed up. The look on Marvin’s face after Whizzer said they would just be going as friends. At the time, Whizzer couldn’t place it. It wasn’t until many years later, when Marvin was an unattainable memory that he finally made heads or tales of it: Disappointment. Despite it being years since the last time he would have seen Marvin, Whizzer will ache.
College was when things really went downhill. Despite Marvin’s highschool reassurances that we’re not like that, Whizzer. We’re just good friends, Whizzer. Trina and I aren’t interested in each other, Whizzer , Marvin and Trina started dating. Truth be told, Whizzer didn’t think it would last all that long. Especially not after seeing their dysfunction in action. Trina looked at the blue-eyed man like he hung the moon in the sky just for her, and Marvin barely spared him a glance. When he did look at her, there was no affection in his gaze. Just a similar, unplaceable melancholy he has seen on Marvin’s face so many times before.
But then.
The urgent pounding at the door knocked Whizzer from his trance. He gently shoved his latest one-night-stand off of him from where they were kissing on the couch in his apartment.
“Who is it?” Mr. No-Name said, trying to urge Whizzer back into a kiss. Whizzer batted him away and stood up.
“No clue,” Whizzer shrugged, scooping his shirt off the floor and throwing it on with haste, “But it sounds important.”
“Can’t they wait until tomorrow,” He cooed, trying to get the taller man back into his arms, “It’s late. They’ll be understanding if you don’t answer.” Whizzer hummed, thinking about his offer, lingering just a few inches further from arms length away.
“Whizzer,” A small voice pleaded from behind the door, almost unrecognizable, “Please. I need to talk to you. You’re the only person I feel like I can trust.”
Whizzer was at his door quicker than he probably ever had been in his life. He flung it open and took in the distraught appearance of the man before him. “Jesus, Marv,” He hissed, ushering him in, “You look like shit, and I don’t just mean your fashion. Are you okay?” He guided him back to his couch, where Marvin didn’t spare a second glance at the man already sitting there. Which is … very unlike Marvin, who was always so quick to judge Whizzer about how he always ‘played too easy’. Whizzer sent Mr. No-Name an apologetic smile, “Sorry, it’s an emergency. Raincheck?” He said, knowing neither of them would take him up on that offer for one. The man nodded and gathered himself to leave.
Marvin sat on the couch and put his head in his hands, scrunching up his curls between his fingers. He took deep breaths and released his hair. Then a few more breaths. Then he grabbed at it and tugged once more.
Whizzer pried his hands away from his hair, holding them gently in his hands. He rubbed comforting circles into the distraught man’s hand. “Marv,” Whizzer began gently, “You alright? You want me to do anything? You want some tea?” Marvin gave him a weak nod and Whizzer got up to put on a keddle. He surveyed his apartment after a moment to make sure his almost-hook-up was gone. Whizzer took a deep breath in and straightened his shirt. Whatever happened couldn’t have been good, that much was very clear.
When Whizzer came back, Marvin had the heels of his palm digging into his eyes and rubbing. His breath was quick, but noticeably not as quick as when he first walked in. Whizzer once again pried his hands from his eyes and pressed a warm mug of tea into them.
“Open up when you’re ready.” Was all Whizzer said. For a while, they drank tea in silence. Whizzer gently rubbing circles and small patterns on Marvin’s shoulder. Marvin eased into his touch, becoming less tense the longer he just sat with the taller man in silence.
“I fucked up. Really badly, Whizzer,” Marvin murmured, voice barely audible. It was the smallest Whizzer has ever heard his voice. “Trina and I …” He breathed in deep through his nose and twisted his hands together. He tried again, slower this time, “Trina is, um, pregnant. It was a complete accident,” Marvin started to bring his hands up toward his face again, but Whizzer gently grabbed them. Everything in him shook, and he could barely hear and he felt like he was drowning, but he held on to Marvin when he needed it. “We only even had sex once. Once. I mean, how crazy is that?” He asked, obviously not really looking for an answer. His voice was more gentle than before, he looked so scared. “And her father … wants us to get married.” Marvin’s face turned ashen and his expression crumbled. “I’m so scared, Whizzer.” Marvin admitted, gripping tightly to the taller man’s fingers like a lifeline. “I don’t want this, at all.”
Whizzer took a few deep breaths. He looked at Marvin and in his face he saw innocence, and fear, and helplessness. He looked so small, sitting on Whizzer’s couch and praying that everything would work out somehow. Whizzer fought through the raging current in his ears and the ache, the break, in his heart and smiled weakly at him. “What’s stopping you from just not marrying her, Marv? You’re 22.” He asked and brushed their fingers together just to feel something, anything, to convince himself this was real at all.
“I want to be there for my child,” Marvin was almost whispering at this point. Whizzer leaned in a little closer so he could hear him. “I don’t want to just disappear from their life. And if I didn’t marry Trina, her parents would never, ever let me see them.” Whizzer smiled, dreaming of Marvin’s future with a pitter-patter of tiny feet across hardwood and wide smiles and bed-time stories and small hands wrapped around his thumb. And Whizzer ached for a future he’ll never have - with anyone, but especially not Marvin. “I know what I have to do, I don’t have a choice. I’m so, so, scared, though.”
Whizzer pulled him into his chest and held him. “You always have a choice, dumbass.” He leaned down and brushed his lips across Marvin’s forehead and whispered against his hairline. The shorter man shook beneath him. “Sometimes, though, the best choice isn’t one thats already visible.” He ran his hands through Marvin’s unruly hair and imagined a small child with Marvin’s tight curls and toothy smile. One with warm brown eyes, like his (or Trina’s) and infectious laughter. “You’re going to be a good father, Marv.”
Marvin looked up at him and stared into his eyes for a moment. Whizzer held his gaze, and he ached for a future he never thought he wanted. One full of tearful ‘I Do’s and promises of eternal love and a family that is his forever. One with Marvin, who has been by his side since day one. But that’s not a future for him. That one is reserved for Trina.
Marvin passed out in his arms that night, and Whizzer just held him and wished for a future where things were different.
When Marvin asked Whizzer to be his best man, he decided he couldn’t ache in silence anymore.
“I can’t Marvin,” He said, curling up on a seat in Marvin’s living room and watching the outside of his window. He was careful to not meet the other man’s piercing blue gaze. Whizzer ran his fingers along the familiar texture to ground himself. Since Marvin and Trina’s engagement, he finds himself more and more often needing to ground himself when everything about this situation felt like too much.
“Why?” Marvin asked. The frustration and curiosity both were evident in his tone. “You’re probably the most important person in my life, Whizzer.” Marvin took steps closer to him, until he was standing right at the side of the chair. A part of Whizzer wondered if Trina was included in that, but he figured, no, probably not. Marvin is marrying her, after all. He moved his gaze from the window to Marvin. Marvin perched himself uneasily on the arm of the chair, before losing any sense of balance and falling right off.
Whizzer laughed so hard his stomach hurt. Marvin let out an annoyed huff from the ground and muttered how it wasn’t that funny, Whiz, come on . Whizzer just smiled down at him, though, before getting up and extending a hand. When the shorter man grabbed it though, the smile fell from Whizzer’s features. Marvin’s hand was warm, and he wanted to hold it so badly. He wanted to be able to interlock their fingers after a long day and kiss him long and sweet and hold him in his arms. Whizzer ached and feared the day that even casual affection would become a distant memory.
“You’re the most important person in my life, too,” Whizzer admitted with some reluctance. That scared him. Each day he spent with Marvin since he found out about the pregnancy has felt like borrowed time. Each day felt like little pockets of bliss that Whizzer had stolen from someone much more lovable. He didn’t let go of his hand.
Marvin frowned, but made no move to pull his own hand away. “What’s the problem, then, Whizzer?” He asked. They were so close now. Close enough that Whizzer could feel Marvin’s breath fan out across his face. He watched as Marvin’s eye scanned his face for a sign of why his best friend couldn’t do this for him. He watched as Marvin’s eyelashes fluttered and fanned out. He saw every little im-perfection on Marvin’s face and smiled. Marvin, Marvin, Marvin. It’s always been Marvin.
Whizzer moved his free hand to Marvin’s face and gently connected their lips together, for only a fleeting moment. The ache subsided for the few seconds their lips were connected, and Whizzer could have sworn he was flying.
When Whizzer pulled back, he made sure to do so in a big fashion. He took four strides backwards, watching as Marvin’s bewildered expression flitted to him. The ache returned stronger than ever before. Like a bitter, angry reprise of a once wonderful melody. Whizzer watched as Marvin tried to formulate something to say. The blue eyed man touched his lips subconsciously. His gaze fluttered to Whizzer’s lips to his eyes as his words died before he could get them out. Whizzer nodded after a few seconds, moving to leave Marvin’s nice apartment. “I can’t,” He reiterated and shut the door on his first and only love.