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Token’s party was a yearly event that was looked forward to by everyone except for Kyle. He goes every year, and every year he has to babysit a shit-faced Stan, who is most likely crying about something Wendy related. Whatever. He’s still going to go, he just thinks he should be able to complain about it in peace.
“Dude, wear something not super lame, don’t be uptight, and maybe you’ll get laid. I bet that would help you,” Stan laughed as he combed his hair in different ways. He’d been doing that for nine full minutes.
“Do you even hear yourself? You sound like a douche! Plus, you know I don’t want to sleep with Bebe. Just leave it alone, man.” Kyle snapped. Maybe he’s being a douche too. He should be nicer to Stan. After all, he’s the only one who puts up with Kyle’s shit anymore. After freshman year, Cartman was sent away to some bullshit ‘bad boy’ therapy school in Denver, and he never came back. Kyle had no idea how much he relied on fighting with him for stress relief until he was gone. Realizing he actually missed Cartman in any capacity was shocking, to say the least, but even more so was what followed. Kyle slowly but surely became a hollow version of himself. He didn’t know that it was possible to feel so empty, and that it was Cartman that filled that void. It was more likely that Kyle was already clinically depressed, and Cartman’s departure was the catalyst for him going off into the deep end, but it truly seemed like he had fallen apart because he wasn’t in Kyle’s life anymore. Cartman lit a fire in Kyle, and that’s the hallmark of his whole personality. That’s who Kyle Brofloski was, but he wasn’t that without Cartman, and isn’t that something? Kyle isn’t Kyle with Cartman.
Kenny realized it right away. Kenny was always like that, unnaturally perceptive. He knew that telling people exactly what they were thinking or feeling made them uncomfortable, so he didn’t unless they asked for it, but he didn’t extend that courtesy to Kyle. He laid it all bare; he told Kyle that he felt like shit because Cartman was gone, that at some point their childhood rivalry had turned into this desperate, can't live with each other sort of addiction, that it was sexual, that they were in love. Kyle, of course, wasn’t ready to hear that and went full ballistic on Kenny. Really tore him a new asshole, shit was brutal. They haven’t really talked since, and Kyle knows it’s all his fault.
That’s the thing about the post-Cartman Kyle. Cartman took everything good about Kyle with him when he left, and Kyle didn’t even realize until the only friend he had left was Stan. He used to be passionate, hard-headed, argumentative, and always wanted to do the right thing no matter what. Now he was just hard-headed and argumentative, and no one could fucking stand him. Ever since the Kenny incident, he’s been trying to be better, be kinder, be himself again, but the damage has been done, it seems.
“Hey, earth to Kyle! Are you done being emo? We should go soon.” Stan waved his hand in front of Kyle’s face. Kyle gave him a half smile and turned to look at himself in the mirror on Stan’s wall. Maybe he wouldn’t wear his hat tonight. He’s been wanting to not wear it anymore but didn’t want to draw any attention to himself. In a weird way, maybe it would show people he was trying. A physical signifier that he was trying to be better. Plus, he’d been growing out his hair for some time and really wanted to debut his man bun. Fuck it, no hat.
“Whoa dude, nice hair! Seriously, I’m not even being sarcastic. It looks good.” Stan smiled. It was a sad but hopeful sort of smile, the kind you’d give a depressed person when they get out of bed for the first time in a week. A smile you give to be encouraging but not call attention to what’s happening in case pointing it out ruins the moment.
“Thanks man. I’ve been meaning to stop wearing it for a while.” Kyle smiles back. Tonight he was going to have fun and stop being such a stick in the mud.
“Hey Kyle! Thanks for coming! Your hair looks great, by the way!” Token shouted over the noise of the party. Sometimes Kyle thought Token was the only person worth a goddamn thing in this town. He was kind and compassionate, always willing to listen, and put up with everyone’s shit, even when they didn’t deserve it.
“Thanks man! And of course, couldn’t miss it!” Kyle gave him a genuine smile, and Token answered it with the exact same smile Stan gave him earlier while handing him a jack and coke. It seems he and Stan showed up at a good time. People were drunk enough to have fun and loosen up, but not so drunk people were fighting and Token’s furniture was being destroyed. Bebe was chatting up Clyde, who Kyle was sure was on the verge of tears of joy. Tweek sat in an armchair, nursing a gin and tonic while Craig absent-mindedly pet his hair. Jimmy was surrounded by both boys and girls, aware he had an audience for his jokes, not aware they all likely wanted to sleep with him. Jimmy was funny like that; he was probably the most popular guy in school, but he had no idea that he was not only hilarious, but hot too. Red, Nichole, and the rest of the girls were mixing drinks in the kitchen. Many other people whose names Kyle couldn’t recall were there too, dancing and drinking.
Stan had already wandered off, but he promised Kyle earlier that he’d be fine, which means Kyle had about an hour until he’d find Stan throwing up on Wendy’s shoes while crying. Kyle wanted to take care of him and stop him before he got that drunk, but Stan is his own man and if he wants to wake up tomorrow with a hangover so bad he can’t open his eyes without sunglasses, that’s on him. Kyle frowned to himself. Someday he’d have the whole ‘you’re an alcoholic’ fight with Stan, but not tonight.
A ping pong ball hitting him in the face took him out of his thoughts.
“Sorry cutie, didn’t see you there, are you here alone- oh, hey Kyle,” Kyle turned and came face to face with Kenny.
“Hey man, what’s up?” Kyle tried his best to sound cool and normal, and while some alcohol in his system helped, he was definitely still being weird.
“Uh, not much. How are you?” Kenny’s voice was calm and even, but his face clearly said ‘what is happening, are you on drugs or do you want to beat me senseless on Token’s perfectly manicured lawn?’.
“I’m okay, actually. Just drinking, uh, this, and hanging out, I guess. How are you?” Kyle answered weakly.
“I’ve been pretty good. I’ve been working at a garage and I really like it. I’m gonna make enough money so Butters and I can leave this shit hole.” Kenny smiled.
“Oh yeah, you’re dating Butters! How’s that?”
“It’s good, like really good. Honestly Kyle, he’s the love of my life.” Kenny had this look on his face that was somewhere between love struck and deathly serious.
“I’m happy for you dude. Uh, could you come over here with me for a minute?” Kyle asked nervously and motioned to the kitchen, where things were a little quieter.
“Sure man, lead the way.”
Kyle led Kenny to the kitchen then turned to face him.
“So like, I was fucking awful to you and I know sorry probably doesn’t cut it, but I really am sorry. I miss you dude, and I shouldn’t have blown up at you and said all the shit I said. The thing is, uh, you were right. About everything. Like, all the stuff about me and Cartman. It was all true, and I couldn’t handle it, and it took it out on you. We’ve all always treated you like garbage, and it was never okay, even when we were kids. So, um, that’s it.” Kyle couldn’t look directly at Kenny while he apologized or he might break. He missed Kenny so much, and his heart hurt from the damage he caused, but he felt like he wasn’t allowed to feel like shit because he’s not the victim. It’s okay, he’s fine, this is fine.
“Kyle, that’s all I wanted to hear. I knew that’s why you blew up at me, but I’m not going to take shit like that laying down.” Kenny smiled.
“Man, that’s the only thing you won’t take laying down.” Kyle laughed back at him and drew him into a hug. God damn, did it feel good to have Kenny back. Kenny pulled away and held him by his shoulders.
“So, you’ve finally accepted your super gay feelings for Cartman? What’s that like?” Kenny said like he had a laugh right behind his tongue that really wanted to escape. Kyle snorted.
“Uh, not quite. I know that’s there’s something weird there, and that I feel like shit because he’s gone. It’s weird, I can almost admit I’m in love with him, but I can’t wrap my head around being attracted to him? Like what I feel is something all-consuming, and Cartman is in every part of me, but I’m not sure I’m actually attracted to him.” Kyle blurted out. Man, apparently all it took was a jack and coke and whatever was on the counter behind Kenny for Kyle to serve out his heart and soul on a silver platter. He’d never been so blatantly honest in his whole life. Kenny smirked.
“Well, maybe you’d know for sure if you saw him now. You haven’t seen each other since you were fourteen, maybe he’s not fat anymore!” That laugh Kenny was holding freed itself, and he took out his phone to shoot a quick text to someone.
“Dude, no way. I don’t think I’d recognize him if he wasn’t fat, but I also don’t think that’s possible. It’s like a law of the universe or something. The sun rises, the sky is blue, Eric Cartman is a fat ass.” Kyle said, using the counter to hold himself up while he laughed. This is probably the first time in a few years he’s felt good, that he’s laughed and it wasn’t a fake courtesy laugh.
“Well, let’s find out, why don’t we?” Kenny’s face didn’t move, but his smirk went from sweet to conniving. Kyle's face fell.
“Uh, what?” Kenny didn’t answer, and suddenly the music in the other room cut.
“Dude, what did you do? What’s happening?” Kyle attempted to sound curious, but instead his voice pitched way up and he sounded like his mother.
“Why don’t you go find out, lover boy?” Kenny purred, sounding downright evil. The music started back up again, Toxic by Britney Spears blasting from the speakers. Kenny pushed him into the living room, and turned him so he faced the door. It slammed open to reveal Eric Cartman, in all his tall, muscular glory. He looked like a fucking God. His grey long sleeve hung off his chest and arms in a way that distinctly reminded Kyle of Chris Evans, and his black jeans left nothing to the imagination. He had always been the same height as Kyle, but now he was easily a whole head taller than him. Kyle always found his mismatched eyes secretly fascinating, and now they were even more captivating with smudged eyeliner around them. He was too much person for one room; he was like trying to contain the sun.
“What, you fools didn’t think I’d make a dramatic return? Jesus Christ, it’s like none of you even know me!” Cartman said in a bizarrely grand way, like he was fucking Jay Gatsby. The crowd of people shuffled so Cartman could see that Kyle was there, like they all unconsciously knew that it was very important. The moment Cartman registered that he was looking at Kyle, his face fell into something incredibly soft and gentle. Huh.
“Oh, uh, hey, hi Kyle.” Cartman gulped. It was like the world fell away, and there was only Kyle and Cartman. Kyle walked until he was almost chest to chest with him. His first thought was to call him a fat ass, or tear him a new one. But for what? He definitely wasn’t ready to admit it yet, but he knew that a solid amount of the times they fought, it was because of Kyle.
“You seem… different. How was Denver?” Kyle said softly, worried his mask would break. He’d never been outwardly vulnerable, but tonight seemed to be completely different. His emotions were already on the surface from his chat with Kenny. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe this was a part of being a new, better Kyle.
“Denver was… hard at first. It’s hard for someone to tell you what you don’t want to hear, even though it’s what you need. I’m sure you know what that’s like,” Cartman answered, raising an eyebrow. Fucking Kenny. What a rat.
“I don’t know how much Kenny told you but yeah, it sucks.”
“I fought it at first, obviously. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me. That’s why I was there for so long.” Kyle sighed at that admission. One of the things Kenny said to him during their fight was that he and Cartman were two sides of the same coin, that Kyle was so far up on his moral high horse he couldn’t see he was exactly like Cartman.
“My life has kinda gone the same way. It seems like you’ve been talking to Kenny, so you probably know, but I’m trying to get better now.” Kyle bit his lip. He was completely overwhelmed. Cartman was so calm, and honest, and handsome. How do you slip an “I think I’m in love with you because my life revolves around you and I know you feel the same” into a conversation? Is there a way to do that? Probably not.
“Kyle?” Cartman had a look on his face that Kyle couldn’t quite identify. The tension in the air was so thick Kyle felt as if he could reach out and touch it. It felt like right before a lightning storm, when the air is thrumming with electricity.
“Yes?” Kyle didn’t notice how he was leaning into Cartman, like how a plant reaches for the sun.
“I don’t know how to say it, but you know what I’m talking about. I know you know.” Cartman confessed. Kyle knew the face he was making could be described as lovesick, and he didn’t give a fuck. Kenny was right. He had to see Cartman to know. And now he knew.
“You mean like how we’ve been circling the drain on something since we were kids? Like how when you left you took a piece of me with you? Like how I’m completely in love with you?” Kyle blurted out. His words caught on the tension in the air like snow catches on tree leaves. He was never good at talking about his feelings beyond a surface level, and now he was announcing his deepest, darkest secrets to a crowded room. Maybe this is part of being The New Kyle.
“Yeah, um, something like that.” Cartman nearly whispered. Craig’s nasal voice broke the moment in half.
“Jesus Christ, could they get a room? I think I might puke.” Tweek stifled a giggle, and with it the whole room stopped holding its breath. Kyle blinked, waking up from the fog he was in. He had both his hands clasped around Cartman’s forearms, like he was holding on for dear life. In a way, he was.
“Hey, come outside with me,” Cartman turned and pulled Kyle towards the back door by his wrist. For a brief moment, he wondered if the earlier vulnerability was fake, and Cartman was bringing him out here for something stupid. It’s what the old Cartman would have done, pretended to have changed, put on a big show of being emotional, then it turns out to be part of some plot that benefits Cartman and fucks over everyone else. That doesn’t seem like the case now, though.
Cartman sat down on the steps of the deck and patted the spot next to him. Kyle obliged, and leaned back to look at the stars.
“Are you really not a huge bastard anymore?” Cartman threw his head back and laughed at Kyle’s question.
“I’ll always be a bastard, Kyle. I think I’m less of a psycho, if that’s what you mean.”
“I guess that is what I mean. Guess that’s good to know, fat boy.”
“Hey, I am so not fat anymore! Look! I’m buff!” Cartman flexed his arms so Kyle would know he’s totally buff and not fat. Kyle laughed.
“Whatever man. You’ll always be a fat ass to me.” Kyle said, leaning into Cartman just a little. He couldn’t help himself. He and Cartman had always had their hands on each other, but now instead of fists, it was something gentle. Also, Cartman was very warm.
“Well, you’ve always been a ginger Jew, and now you’re a tiny ginger Jew, so deal with that.” Cartman tried to jab back, but Kyle could tell he was distracted by their shoulders touching. Maybe he should have seen it years ago, how when they fought Cartman didn’t fight back as much as he could, how he’d go to desperate measures to gain Kyle’s attention, how everything Cartman did somehow was about Kyle. It wasn’t healthy to spend your whole life obsessed with someone how Kyle and Cartman were obsessed with each other, but Kyle couldn’t find it in him to care.
“Hey, so-“ Cartman cut Kyle off by kissing him softly. If Kyle had any doubts before, they were gone now. It wasn’t like fireworks or lightning or how they describe it in Ike’s romance novels he pretends he doesn’t read. It was warm, and gentle, but mostly it felt right, and a little bit like coming home, and-
“I didn’t tell you before, but there’s never been a moment in my life where I wasn’t in love with you.”
“I think I know what that’s like.”