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Buck couldn’t handle any more colossal ordeals, but the universe had never cared about his feelings.
First, his parents showed up, criticizing him from the moment they came through the door. Then the truth came out about Daniel, the dead brother he was expected to save from day one, but couldn’t. Confusion and hurt wrapped around his lungs, stopping him from thinking clearly on the job. A mess-up at a hand sanitizer facility nearly cost him his life.
He told his teammates and his family he was fine – that therapy equipped him with the tools he needed to get through whatever this was – but he was lying through clenched teeth. Even worse, everyone probably knew it too. They understood him too well.
He wasn’t okay. Not even slightly. Every piece of his life was being viciously ripped apart by eight different sources, and the small positives they carried weren’t enough to dismantle the pain. He told his parents he forgave them, but the damage they caused remained embedded inside him. He managed to save the last worker in the factory fire, but he almost didn’t. If his team hadn’t shown up when they did, Buck would’ve given up.
Even in the worst situations, Buck never stopped fighting. Ever. It was what he was known for. The fact he almost did haunted him, bringing him into a newfound level of shame.
He’d always had a tight relationship with risk-taking. In the beginning, it was all about the attention. It encouraged his parents to look at him. It got women – and sometimes men – to touch him. Eventually, it shifted into an issue with his self-worth. When looking at himself and someone else, the other person always won. They mattered more. If a stranger needed him, he was more than okay with rushing into danger. The possible personal consequences never hit his mind.
Therapy was helping, but Buck knew some things would never change. He could see his reasoning transforming into something new, but he would never stop running into burning buildings. It was his duty, no matter how the people around him saw it.
He wished he could obliterate his sensitive side, but therapy wouldn’t alter that either. Through his sessions, he was taught how to better manage his anxiety, but he’d never be able to stop it from rising in the first place. It was as automatic as waking up every morning. The only thing he could do was accept his feelings and learn how to live beside them.
So to him, when he walked into the fire station and saw Eddie kissing some girl, losing the ability to breathe made perfect sense. Everything around him fell away, leaving only his best friend and his new love interest. His heavy responses to stress weren’t welcome, but at least Buck understood them. At least he knew to expect them.
He paused in the middle of the walkway, unable to tear his gaze away. Train wrecks were terrifying to witness, but they demanded attention.
Neither of them acknowledged it, but their relationship had always danced near the line between friendship and something more. None of Buck’s past best friends treated him the way Eddie did. His actions were more comparable to his exes.
Every time they nearly crossed over, he thought about saying something. In the end, his fear always beat his want. If Eddie didn’t feel the same way, he risked losing not only him but Chris too. They meant too much to him. Losing them could easily be his last straw.
Buck wished the worry would’ve canceled out the admiration, but both feelings refused to stop climbing. For a good moment, Buck even thought he had a real chance. He thought maybe his continued sessions were boosting his confidence, but he also swore the space between them changed. Through the lockdown, Eddie grew softer with him. Kinder and more open too, in a way Buck never would’ve expected from him. He couldn’t help but wonder if their love for each other was changing territories.
He didn’t realize the moment had lasted for weeks until Eddie ungracefully dismantled it.
The duffel he’d been holding slipped past his fingers, landing on the ground with a small thud. It was barely audible, but Eddie’s response was immediate. He was away from the woman in seconds, his obvious happiness disappearing as he caught Buck’s gaze.
Eddie looked hurt, as if he was the one who just watched his future disappear in front of his eyes. Buck wanted to be mad, but all he could feel was pure sorrow. His eyes burned as he turned away, his body fleeing the scene as Eddie shouted “Buck, wait—”
Staying would’ve been a pointless game. Buck knew what he saw. Knew what it meant.
With everything else going on, he couldn’t handle this too. The weight was already tough to carry, but seeing the person he adored kiss someone that wasn’t him escalated it to unbearable.
Eddie pulling back that quickly made him think maybe he knew. Maybe he did know what Buck’s true feelings were, even though they hadn’t talked through any of it.
If that was true, it would make everything a hundred times worse. If he was aware that Buck was in love with him and still wanted to kiss the girl he was with, then he couldn’t possibly feel the same way.
He doubted it was intentional, but Buck still felt like he’d been lied to. Repeatedly. Platonic best friends weren’t meant to be as intertwined as they were. Their level of intimacy was supposed to be reserved for those building lives together, not co-workers.
Buck’s feet eventually came to a halt. When he glanced up, his eyes met the door of Bobby’s office. The last thing he wanted to do was bother him, but the room was small and Eddie would never waltz in unannounced. It was a safe space to come clean.
After lifting one of his trembling hands, Buck knocked gently on the door. It was quite possible he was somewhere else in the station, especially given his current luck. All he could do was silently hope the world wouldn’t throw another ten pounds onto his back.
He didn’t know how long he stood there for. All he knew was that ultimately, the door opened, revealing a soft-smiling Bobby Nash.
His content expression didn’t last long. The moment his captain caught his eyes, it faded away, leaving only concern in its wake. It was another thing Buck felt like he had to be guilty for.
“Buck? Are you okay?” Bobby voiced quietly, his worry way too clear. When Buck didn’t say anything, he moved to the side, allowing him to come in.
As soon as the door shut behind him, the rest of Buck’s heart broke. He absolutely hated crying in front of people, especially his technical boss, but his tears spilled over before he could stop them. He wasn’t built to deal with so much guilt at once.
He wasn’t sure if anyone was.
“Eddie was with—” Ana? Was that her? It had to be. He hadn’t told Buck about anyone else.
Then again, maybe it was someone else. Buck clearly misinterpreted their connection.
Bobby already looked like he understood. Like he knew where their conversation was going. Any other day, Buck would’ve said something. Today, he pretended he wasn’t so obvious.
“I love him,” he choked out. Even with his therapist, he’d never paired the L word to Eddie. Not in the sense he currently meant it in. He wished it could’ve been an admission that left him ecstatic instead of completely devastated.
But it was true. So fucking true. It might’ve been the truest thing Buck ever said. He loved Eddie with every piece of his being. He would do anything to ensure his safety and happiness…
Including letting him be with Ana, even if it made him feel like his insides were being torn apart.
“I love him so much that it hurts, and now…” Just as a small sob burst past his lips, Bobby came closer, pulling him into a tight hug.
After the last few weeks, Buck was surprised he even had tears left. Crying was beginning to come more naturally than smiling.
Buck wrapped his arms around Bobby just as tight, even though he barely had the strength to do so. What was he going to do? How was he supposed to accept that the one person who made him feel whole was interested in someone else?
He should’ve told him. Buck had so many chances. Even if Eddie never felt the same way, at least he would’ve known. He wouldn’t have to wonder if his hesitancy stopped them from being everything Buck ever wanted.
Bobby didn’t let go. Buck didn’t either. As much as he craved comfort, he rarely got it. And the longer he stayed in his boss’s office, the longer he could put off reality. Once he stepped back into the station, he would have to face Eddie again. It could play out a thousand different ways, but Buck wasn’t prepared to deal with any of them.
Was he destined to always lose? Was this how his life was always going to be? Moving disaster to disaster, with little happiness in-between? He could barely handle the pattern now, so how could he manage it for a lifetime?
Bobby’s hand rubbed tiny circles into his back. Buck shut his eyes. He was beginning to feel like he’d never feel alright again. Maybe it would always be this way.
Maybe it was meant to be this way.