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0.
JYL: So, a-Xian, why are we here?
WWX: We’re here because our dad wrote a porno. A work of erotic literature, if you will.
JC: I will not.
JYL: I’d be surprised if it ended up in the literary canon but, after all, we don't know, it could be good! It could be the Shelly of erotic prose.
JC: Fuck me. I’m still not over it.
[Crosstalk]
WWX: Still?
JYL: Yes, we should say, we’ve known this book existed for a week now.
JC: Yeah, Dad apparently gave Wei Wuxian a copy since he’s the oldest—
WWX: Why do you say ‘apparently’, that’s what happened!
JC: —and of course instead of keeping it under wraps like a loving brother he breached containment and immediately texted everyone we know about it.
JYL: It really was everyone too; Joyce from my work asked me about it at lunch the other day, I didn’t even know you had her number a-Xian!
WWX: ….I don’t. How—how the heck did Joyce-from-Jie’s-work find out?!
JC: Who cares, just start the damn thing and put us out of our misery, would you?
WWX: Little eager there, Jiang Cheng. Feeling horny this fine afternoon?
JC: If I’d ever felt horny before in my life I suspect this would have been the end of it.
JYL: What’s the first chapter called?
WWX: Okay—no wait, have I done the title yet? I haven’t, have I.
JC: Oh yeah the full title is. Somethin’.
WWX: It’s ‘ Belinda Blinked One’, semi colon , ‘A modern story of sex, erotica and passion. How the sexiest sales girl in business earns her huge bonus by being the best at removing her high heels .’
JC: ‘By removing her’—the fuck does that mean, Dad? Famously the sexiest part of disrobing, the shoes coming off.
JYL: I mean, speaking as someone who wears heels all day, taking them off can be a nearly orgasmic experience.
JC: Please, I’m already being forced to listen to my brother read my dad’s porn, I don’t need to hear my sister say ‘orgasmic’ today as well.
JYL: [Laughter]
WWX: Get used to it, mate. Okay, ‘ Chapter One’ . Can I read chapter one, Jiang Cheng? Do you need a break already?
JYL: Some juice?
JC: Fuck you both
WWX: ‘ Chapter One: The Job Interview’
1.
WWX: ‘He grabbed her cervix.’
JYL: [Chokes] No!
JC: Why does he keep mentioning cervices, this is like the third time!
WWX: [Laughter] Yeah, not a traditionally sexy body part, Jiang-shushu
JYL: He grabbed it!
WWX: The look on your face, Jiejie!
JYL: I’m afraid for her life!
JC: It doesn’t even really sound possible.
JYL: He’d have to be well in there to grab her cervix.
WWX: Elbow deep.
JYL: It hurts to be bumped against even just with a penis, much less grabbed.
WWX: Oh, really? Huh.
JC: I’m beginning to appreciate just what a miracle it is that you and I were even conceived, considering his apparent lack of understanding of female anatomy.
WWX: Not that you and I are much better, Jiang Cheng.
JC: Excuse you? Just because neither of us have ever interacted with a vagina, doesn’t mean—don’t put me on Dad’s level! He thinks a woman’s nipples can grow to three inches when she’s excited!
WWX: [Laughter] Ah, the titanic rivets, classic.
JYL: Perhaps this helps explain our mother’s temperament?
WWX: Jiejie! You went there!
JC: Holy shit, a-Jie.
WWX: No wait, that doesn’t make sense, Jiang Cheng is exactly like her but he’s the opposite of...unfulfilled. Since he hasn’t got a need to be filled in the first place. No pun intended.
JC: I feel like I should be offended by this comparison.
JYL: You have all her best qualities, a-Cheng.
WWX: RIP Madam Yu.
2.
WWX: ‘“I’m Chris—"’ hahaha, oh my god.
JC: Spit it out, we don’t keep you around for the insightful commentary, Wei Wuxian.
WWX: Fuck, this is my new favourite line. ‘“I’m Christina, and here’s my ass!”’
JYL: Well, it’s a greeting, I suppose.
JC: We get several chapters of mind-numbing business shit and now the pace is so fast we’re getting to the sex within a single line of dialogue.
WWX: She’s straight to the point, not a moment wasted. You have to respect that.
JYL: Oh? Are you planning to adopt this one, a-Xian?
WWX [Laughter] I think I might! “I’m Wei Wuxian, and here’s my ass”. Might as well open with my best feature, no? It’s a good way to make friends.
JC: Please go to a bar and try that on people. And have someone film the results.
JYL: Lan Wangji wouldn’t get jealous if you started opening conversations that way?
WWX: Oh he absolutely would, but that’s a feature not a bug. He dicks me down so good when he’s in a jealous fit.
JC: It’s not enough that we have to read Dad’s porn? I have to hear yet another detail about my brother’s sex life?
JYL: You’re not used to it yet? They’ve always been very open about that stuff. I’ve actually seen more of Lan Wangji than I have of some boyfriends.
JC: Yeah yeah, we’ve all seen Lan Wangji’s dick at some point, can we please stop talking about Wei Wuxian’s thirst for al fresco sex and get back to this work of erotic fiction written by, in case anyone’s forgotten, our own biological father? I have exactly ten more minutes of this in me and then I’m leaving no matter where we are in the episode.
WWX: He’s not my biological father but go off I guess
JYL: You do what you need to a-Cheng, we’ll soldier on without you if we must
WWX: No no, Jiejie, you can’t say that or he’ll never show up again! What would the show be without his pissy asexual griping?
JC: Pretty sure I’d feel exactly as disgusted by all this even if I were allo. A-Jie?
JYL: Can confirm.
WWX: Yeah? Not turned on even a little bit? Not a flutter?
[Crosstalk]
JYL: Not a one.
JC: Wei Wuxian! Gross!
WWX: Huh. Well I’m hard as rock—ow! A-Cheng, don’t hit m—OW!!
3.
WWX: ‘Zachariah didn’t need telling twice. Sensually, he pushed a long drag of smoke into her bottom hole.’
JC: I’m sorry, what?
JYL: He literally blew smoke up her arse?!
WWX: What, you guys have never done the old cotton bum?
JC: Wei Wuxian, I have been there all two times you have smoked weed, and there was definitely no human centipede shit happening. Just you crying over Mianmian’s cat and drinking a whole bottle of Tabasco through a straw by the end of the night.
WWX: I could have done it more times, you don’t know. You can’t prove I’ve never done a r—[laughter] a reverse f-fart.
JC: No.
WWX: Smelching .
JYL: Is that a reference to something? I don’t get that one.
JC: I also don’t and I am not going to ask—don’t you dare explain it, Wei Wuxian, I don’t want to know.
WWX: Lan Zhan would blow pot smoke up my ass if I asked him.
JYL: I’ve no doubt
JC: He’ll have a hard time after I’ve buried you neck deep in concrete.
WWX: Oh, Lan Zhan’s dick gets way harder than concrete, a-Cheng, he’d chisel me out in no time.
JC: Mouth deep.
WWX: Name of my sex tape.
JC: Ugh.
JYL: You know, I think you two are missing the best part of that sentence; ‘bottom hole’.
WWX: [Laughter] oh yeah, that’s great, isn’t it?
JYL: Bless him.
JC: It is weirdly innocent compared with some of the filth he’s written before.
JYL: Like what a four year old would call it.
WWX: It sounds like a golf thing.
[Crosstalk]
JYL: The bottom hole!
JC: What, the eighteenth?!
WWX: Yeah! They call that the bottom hole, don’t they?
JC: They emphatically do not
JYL: Are you thinking of “bottom of the ninth”?
WWX: Oh, maybe.
JC: That’s cricket!
JYL: It’s famously cricket, a-Xian.
WWX: [Laughter] All right all right, I didn’t know there were a couple of sports heads in the room!
JC: This is literally the most basic shit—
WWX: I’m bisexual, I’m not even allowed to know sports facts! They’d take my card away!
JC: No risk of that, clearly.
4.
WWX: ‘They all shrieked, formed a little circle, and sang: “G for Gin, T for Tonic—”’
[Crosstalk]
JYL: [Laughter]
JC: What is this!
WWX: ‘“—our six titties are supersonic!”’
JYL: ‘ Supersonic’ , ahhahahaha!
JC: Six!
WWX: ‘“We don’t mind men, we don’t like fuss. We’re the Glee Team; come and get us!”’ [Laughter]
JYL: Oh my god, I’m crying
WWX: Jiejie, you’re crying!
JC: Dad, what the f-fuck [wheezing]
JYL: S-say it again
WWX: ‘“G for Gin, T for Tonic, our six titties are supersonic! We don’t mind men, we don’t like fuss. We’re the Glee Team; come and get us!”’
JC: [Gasping] I love that it’s “six titties”. They’re counted as a conglomerate
JYL: ‘“we don’t mind men—”’
JYL & WWX: ‘“we don’t like fuss”’!
JC: Has Dad ever actually met a human woman?
JYL: We do keep saying Belinda’s a robot!
JC: I’m beginning to think Dad’s a robot.
5.
WWX: ‘“I love turkey, I love my friends, I love my job, I love chardonnay!!”’
JC: Please never subject me to your orgasm voice again
WWX: But she’s coming, it’s in the text that she says that while coming
JC: No one has a gun to your head saying to have to act it out with quite that much vigour
WWX: You have no respect for the craft. Storytelling is an art you know.
JYL: You’re a very good narrator, a-Xian
WWX: Thank you, Jiejie
JC: Debatable
JYL: Be nice to each other, you two. Be more like Belinda—
JC: I dread to think what the next part of that sentence is.
JYL: She loves her friends! She’s just said so. How nice is that?
JC: If I find out any of my friends have declared their affection for me mid-orgasm we’ll no longer be friends.
WWX: Do you even have friends, Jiang Cheng?
JC: Golly, it sure would be a shame if I tipped wine onto your brand new laptop, wouldn’t it?
WWX: Well, if it’s Australian Chardonnay, then yes, a right shame.
JYL: You really have to admire his incredibly realistic dialogue though, don’t you.
WWX: Was that sarcasm, Jie? I have done this.
JC: You have not!
JYL: A-Xian! [Laughter] Really?
WWX: You haven’t?
JYL: What, given my favourite foods and people what I believe the kids call a ‘shout out’ during orgasm?
JC: I know I’m not an expert but it doesn’t sound like standard practice.
WWX: Your husband has never made you a plate of dumplings and then fucked you so hard you almost sick them up, but it just reminds you how good they tasted? And so you tell him what a good provider he is so he’s motivated to get you pregnant?
JYL: I...can’t say I have. He didn’t really need motivation to get me pregnant, it was kind of its own reward.
JC: Plus the peacock has probably never cooked anything edible in his life. Also; you’re an insane person.
WWX: Oh, you’re right!
JC: That you’re insane? I know
WWX: No not about that; we had it the wrong way around! Jiejie, has Jin Zixuan ever shouted about your cooking during sex?
JYL: ...Well.
WWX: Oh shit !
JC: What did I do to deserve this?
6.
WWX: [In a thick Scottish accent] ‘“Why are you doing this, Mrs Sylvester?”’
JYL: Ahhh!!!!!!
JC: I knew it! I fucking called it!
WWX: You did!
JYL: It’s Giselle!!!
JC: It’s fucking Giselle!
WWX: The mystery solved at last!
JYL: I’m genuinely so excited by this, oh my gosh.
JC: Dad only had us on the line for a whole fucking book
WWX: She’s been there the whole time
JC: Yeah, wasn’t she in the very first chapter?
WWX: I’m a little alarmed you remember Jiang-shushu’s porn so well, a-Cheng
JC: Oh shut it
JYL: I think he’s right though, she’s really been in on everything all along! She even married the—whatever job title it is Tony has.
WWX: Yeah! Say what you will about her but she is quite a good spy
JC: I beg to fucking differ; the blueprints she was hired to steal were right there and she decided to kidnap an old man instead??
WWX: Okay, that was certainly A Choice, I’ll grant you
JYL: Credit where credit’s due though, she must have gathered a lot of information for Bisch over the last few...however long it’s been
WWX: Like three weeks?
JC: Yeah, I’m sure Bisch was delighted to receive her fascinating reports; ‘today Belinda ate a turkey sandwich, fucked nine people (listed below), and did three loads of laundry.’
JYL: Three in one day?
JC: Yeah, lights, darks, and thongs
WWX: So you don’t think she would have learned anything useful?
JC: I think if she did it would be buried so deep in inanity no one would ever find it
WWX: But as a spy, it’s literally her job to sort through that stuff for the information nuggets
JC: There you go again assuming she’s even slightly competent at being a spy
JYL: Oh stop, you two, I need to hear more! A-Xian, please, read on!
6.5
WWX: ‘However, it was fine. The few bits of loose skin that did get stuck in her teeth would easily be dislodged when she brushed and flossed in the morning.’
JYL:
JC:
WWX:
JYL:
JC:
WWX:
JYL:
JC:
WWX: Well—
JC: No.