Chapter Text
Soulmates are a cruel thing.
They could be so simple. Eyes meeting for the first time and just knowing . Colours bursting into a dull world at just one touch. Anything else, anything less tragic.
But the universe loved its practical jokes. Not even something like soulmates could be simple. Much less without tragedy.
***
Bucky Barnes learnt what soulmates were back when he was 16, in 1933 Brooklyn, as he pulled Steve Rogers out of yet another back-alley fight that he wouldn’t have fared well in.
“You really need to stop doing this, Steve,” Bucky threw his head back laughing, wrapping an arm around the much smaller boy. Steve just huffed, his breathing ragged as he straightened out his clothes, walking alongside Bucky.
“Well, he was the one who started talking all tough, what did you expect me to do?” he coughed out, pausing to double over, Bucky’s hand moving to his back.
“You walk away, Rogers, that’s what you do,” Bucky said, holding Steve by the shoulder as he caught his gaze. “Those kind of people aren’t worth your time, or your energy. How much ever you have.”
“Yeah well,” Steve said, a small smile on his face. “You know I don’t like bullies, so nothing you say’s gonna stop me, Buck.”
And there it was, that feeling in Bucky’s chest that twisted and turned in a way he was not used to but couldn’t turn away from. Because it happened every time Steve gave him that smile he didn’t really offer to anyone other than him. It grew every time it happened, and Bucky knew the eventual outcome of it. But he didn’t mind letting his heart get twisted.
However, he would never say a word of this out loud, so he just rolled his eyes, shoving Steve lightly. “Yeah well, you’ve ripped yet another coat so good luck explaining that to your ma, buddy,” he chided, pulling it off his shoulders to reveal a torn shirt sleeve. “Oh, and thee shirt sleeve too? God, I want to be there to see the look on her face now.”
“Ha ha, my imminent death is funny to you, is it Barnes?”
“Well, that’s almost every day so I find some enjoyment in it!”
“Wow, that’s just cold, Buck,” Steve laughed, but Bucky wasn’t paying full attention any more, his eyes catching onto marks on Steve’s shoulder.
At first glance, he had been ready to write them off as just bruises left behind from one of Steve’s many ailments, or a product of yet another alleyway scuffle. But as Bucky looked closer, he could make out numbers and words, printed in black ink.
50,373 days
“What’s those numbers on your shoulder?” he asked, pointing gently. Steve just looked at Bucky quizzically, glancing at his shoulder before looking back up.
“Now that’s a bad one, even by your standards Buck,” he laughed good-naturedly as he walked along. Bucky just flashed a confused smile, itching to try and figure it out.
After dropping Steve off at home, Bucky raced back, catching his sister Rebecca dividing food portions between them.
“Well you’re just in time,” she teased, a smirk on her face as she pushed the bowl toward him. “Papa told Mrs Rogers that he was headed out back to the training camp, and so to make sure we don’t get up to too much trouble.” She paused to wave a finger at him. “That one was for you.”
“Trouble? Me? Never,” Bucky gasped mockingly, and Rebecca just punched his shoulder.
There was silence in the small apartment, a common thing for the Barnes siblings ever since their mother passed away. And usually, Bucky and Rebecca liked the silence, usually punctuated with them bickering. But that day, his mind was still turning over the marks on Steve’s shoulder.
“Becca?” he asked, and his sister looked up from her bowl, raising an eyebrow. “You ever heard of a random number of days being on someone’s shoulder?”
“What in the world?” she said, narrowing her eyes. “Bucky, I am not falling for your jokes today.”
“It’s not a joke!” he whined, slamming his head against the wall. “I’m serious, I saw a number on Steve’s shoulder followed by the word ‘days’, but he couldn’t see it!” He groaned loudly, facing Becca. “I’m going crazy.”
“You saw a number of days on Steve’s shoulder, you say?” she asked quietly, and Bucky just nodded slowly. “Okay, what was it?”
Bucky groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t know? It was an absurdly big number, like, close to 50,000?”
“Okay, that’s just impossible,” Becca scoffed, rolling her eyes. “It must have been something else.”
“And how come you’re so sure?” Bucky asked indignantly. “You’ve never seen any numbers on Steve’s shoulder!”
“That’s cuz even if I wanted to, I couldn’t dummy,” Becca bit back. “Only soulmates can see each other’s timers.”
Bucky sucked in a breath, his chest suddenly feeling heavy. “S-Soulmates?” he whispered. “No, no that can’t be possible, Steve can’t, he can’t be.”
Becca smiled sadly, placing a hand over his trembling one. “Well you never know Buck,” she said softly. “Stranger things have happened.” But she looked away, eyebrows furrowed. “But it still doesn’t make sense, because the number you said is too big for what I’ve heard this soulmate-business.”
“I’m not even going to pretend to know what that means,” Bucky sighed. Becca took a breath, setting down her spoon.
“Remember Old Lady Suzanne? Lived in the apartments next door?” she started, as Bucky nodded in recognition. “Sometime in the last year, she started howling loudly, crying uncontrollably. Everyone in the neighbourhood could hear her, and nothing anyone tried could stop her. She only kept saying, ‘He has one day left! One day left!’ Everyone just wrote it off as an old lady being crazy. Until the next day, when her husband was in a road accident.” Becca looked away, sniffing slightly. “He didn’t make it, Bucky. And somehow, she knew.”
A hollow feeling settled into Bucky’s stomach as he asked his next question. “What does that mean?”
Becca turned to him, jaw set. “Well, Mary Anne’s mom said that, that’s how soulmates work. You can’t see your own timer, but you can see your soulmate’s timer. How many days they have left to live.”
The room went silent, Bucky just staring at his food, as Becca got up slowly, washing out the bowl. Finally, after several minutes, he treaded through his words lightly. “So if that’s true,” he started slowly, his voice low. “And Steve, he, he really is,” he stammered, unable to even say the word aloud. “Does that mean, he would be able to see the time for me too?”
Becca just shrugged. “I don’t know Bucky,” she said quietly. “But if it’s true, be careful. I mean, who would want to know that kind of stuff about themselves.”
All through the night, Bucky lay awake, the wind whistling through the window as he let his mind twist and turn through its thoughts. God knew he wouldn’t mind if Steve ended up being his soulmate, he knew how he felt about the other boy. But, what if? What if Steve didn’t feel the same? Or worse, what if Steve couldn’t see Bucky’s timer, and it was a mistake?
He just had to ask.
But every time Bucky asked Steve about it, he would just laugh, brushing it off with ease, as if the conversation never happened. At first, Bucky had thought that this was Steve’s way of letting him down gently. Or, was it that he somehow knew that Bucky wouldn’t want to hear when he would die? Or was this all just a big misunderstanding, cuz according to Bucky’s memory, Steve’s timer showed around 138 years, which was impossible, wasn’t it?
But then, he got drafted in World War 2, and then captured by HYDRA. And just when he thought that it would be the end for him, there he was. Steve Rogers. Except, bigger, and now Captain America, a figure for people to rally behind. A super soldier.
But Steve would still look at his weird when he mentioned the timers.
It took him a long time to accept what somewhere in his heart he had known all along. He couldn’t pinpoint the true moment, whether it was as he lost his grip on the icy train that 1945 winter. Or was it the precious few moments when HYDRA lost its control on his mind, and he felt the weight of all the blood on his ledger? It could have also been when he finally came face to face with the person he never thought he would again, someone who wouldn’t stop trying to fight for him, till the end of the line.
But Bucky knew the moment he completely accepted that he wasn’t Steve Rogers’ soulmate.
*
“So you’re not just going to give the stones back, are you?”
Steve looked up, seeing Bucky walk up to him. Banner had told him to gather whatever he needed, especially the reinforced briefcase that held all the Infinity Stones they had collected on their time heist. He laughed softly, smiling.
“Even after all these years, you somehow just know stuff, Buck,” he said quietly. “I don’t know, I’ve been thinking. It’s about time I had a taste of that life that Tony went on about, see how it feels.”
Bucky just shrugged, ignoring the pit in his stomach. “No, I get it,” he said, hoping his lie sounded convincing enough. “Peggy Carter, huh?”
Steve laughed quietly, ducking his head. “Yeah well, sometimes when you know, you know,” he said, and Bucky nodded.
“Well you’re gonna have an even longer life there Cap,” he said quietly. “I know that for sure.”
That made Steve look up, eyes wide. He started to say something, but Bucky just shook his head, a sad smile on his face.
“You don’t need to say anything Steve,” he sighed. “I don’t know when it happened, but I accepted that somehow, the universe made a mistake with me.”
“The universe didn’t make a mistake Buck,” Steve said quietly, his voice shaking slightly. “You just haven’t found the one yet. That’s all.”
“Sure,” Bucky said, turning to join Sam and Bruce as they set up the portal.
What Steve didn’t realise was people like him didn’t really find the one in the end. So why bother with soulmates at all?
***
Sam Wilson had learnt about soulmates the way every kid did, in high school through bored teachers’ ramblings in classes and black and white films played on those crappy TVs every school seemed to own for this purpose. As many things seemed that age, Sam found it stupid, even teasing Sarah for the way she believed it.
“Of course they’re real, Sam! How would you know whether they exist or not? Nicole said she saw the timer on Dean’s wrist!” Sarah used to say, accompanied by a glare at Sam from across the dinner table.
“Nicole lies about stuff all the time to get people to pay attention to her!” Sam would whine, rolling his eyes. “And if they’re real, how come I’ve never seen any markings ever? I should have at least met one mistaken soulmate by now.”
And inevitably, the conversation would end in an argument, or something being thrown Sam’s way. And although as the years went on, Sam and Sarah grew out of the arguing-about-soulmates phase, he never really believed in them. Not in the way others did.
By the time he had joined the Pararescueman division of the Air Force, almost everyone Sam knew had seen someone’s timers, whether it be their true soulmate or one of those not-as-rare-as-you’d-think mistaken soulmates. But not Sam Wilson.
A part of him secretly longed to see the words on numbers printed across someone’s skin, the numbers changing everyday, even if it was one-sided. It would be better than somehow being the odd one out on a universe exclusive.
“Snap out of dreamland, Wilson!” a loud and bright voice called out, snapping Sam out of his rumination. His frown was instantly replaced by a smile, watching his partner Riley walk up toward him, carrying both their wingsuits. “Suit up, we got word of a PJ rescue op.”
“And let me guess,” Sam said, standing up to face Riley as he grabbed the suit. “They need the Falcons for this night mission.”
Riley’s smile just grew wider, throwing in a wink as he walked away. “Take-off in 10, don’t be late!” he called out, running into one of the tents.
“Says you, dumbass!” Sam laughed out, going through the motions of suiting up. He didn’t even feel too worried, after all, it was just a regular mission, something that he and Riley had done many times before. Besides, being in the air with his partner by his side? Nothing compared to that feeling.
Within 10 minutes (yes, he was very much on time, thank you very much), both Sam and Riley were fully suited up, their coordinates and machinery locked in and ready to go.
“Race you to the boundary?” Riley said as he got into position, ready for lift-off.
“Riley, it’s night time, and we’re just doing a quick op, no need to be competitive,” Sam started, knowing that his reasoning was going to fall on deaf ears.
“That’s a yes!” he said, flying off before Sam, who was left behind rolling his eyes as he took off after him.
It was dark as they flew through the rock formations and hills, their night vision goggles providing the only indication of where they were. Sam let the cold night air hit his face, feeling more and more awake as he and Riley slowly weaved their way towards their target location.
“Just so we’re clear, I definitely won that,” Riley’s voice crackled through Sam’s earpiece.
“Shut your face, smart ass,” Sam said, a smile on his face. “And keep your eyes open. Who knows when those RPGs will come into play.”
Riley laughed into the earpiece, as Sam glided over the rocks. “Now come on Sammy,” he said lightly. “Have a little faith in me?”
“Just fly straight Riley,” Sam sighed lightly, rolling his eyes even though he knew his partner couldn’t see it.
“Stop rolling your eyes at me, Wilson,” came the reply, as if Sam could hear the smile in his voice. “It’s just a dime a dozen rescue, we’ll be done in no time.”
Funny, how something so simple would be stuck in Sam’s mind forever, for what would happen next.
It happened almost as quickly as Sam could blink. One moment, he could hear Riley’s loud and bright laugh in his ears. And the next, it was just a blast and his screams.
“RILEY!” Sam yelled, immediately veering off his path, flying as quickly as he could to Riley’s route, trying desperately to stay as focused on finding him as possible. But in the light of the RPG blast, and the already blurry night vision, Sam couldn’t see much other than an outline of a person with a wingsuit falling. Too far for him to reach in time.
“Sam!” Riley shouted loudly, and Sam felt something inside him break, even as he desperately tried to reach him. But, as he flew, he heard a loud thud and a pained cry on his earpiece, and he knew.
Riley had hit the ground. And he wasn’t able to catch him.
“Sam,” a broken voice whispered, almost making him drop down from the sky.
“Hang tight Riley, I’m coming for you,” Sam gasped out, manoeuvring through the rocks as fast as he could. But coughing filled his earpiece, as Riley began to speak.
“Sammy,” he whispered, and Sam’s blood ran cold. This was goodbye. “When you get out of this place, keep doing what you believe is right. And don’t you dare stop being funny, or I’ll haunt you.”
“Riley stop this,” Sam cried out, eyes trained on the ground as he tried to look for his wingman. “Who knows if I’ll even make it home?”
“You will,” Riley said with uncanny certainty. “You live a long life, Sam. I know.”
And that’s when the weight of those words truly hit Sam. No. No no no no not like this, not this way…
“Riley,” Sam whispered, and Riley laughed quietly.
“I know Sam, it’s just me,” he laughed, his voice growing quieter and quieter. “I just hoped, you know? But it’s okay… You’ve been a great partner…”
“Riley, don’t you dare, damnit, keep talking!!” Sam yelled, almost forgetting where he was. But it was no use. Riley was gone.
And not only had Sam failed to catch him, but the last thing he did was also feel like he let him down.
The days felt like a blur after that, and Sam felt more and more out of place and lost. He completed the remainder of the missions he had signed up for, before leaving the Air Force and heading home.
The first thing Sarah Wilson remembered about seeing her brother again after his two tours, was the way the light that was always in his eyes, was so dimmed down you’d think it was gone. He was still polite, as he spent his few months after returning home around the house, helping out on the family boat and the business, but he wasn’t completely himself. Finally, one night, on the quiet docks as the waves hit the boat, Sam broke down in her arms, telling her everything.
“I hate soulmates Sarah,” he had said brokenly, as she tried her best to hold her brother together. “They’re nothing but pain.”
But life, as it’s known to do, moved on. And bit by bit, Sam found his way to being himself again. He moved out to Washington, become a VA counsellor. Because if there was anything he believed in, it was that everyone who went through something similar like he had, carried the same guilt, and he wanted to try and help.
Keep doing what you believe is right. That’s what Riley had told him in those precious last moments, and damn, if Sam wasn’t going to try and make him proud.
It’s that belief that made him try his hardest at the VA, and what eventually made him agree to jump back into a fight to help Steve Rogers. It’s what he relied on when taking on the mission to find Bucky Barnes after SHIELD’s collapse.
It’s the only thing he really relied on. Those words of Riley.
But he never spoke about the last thing his partner had said, not since the day he told Sarah. Because if that was what the universe had decided for people, to keep guessing until they found ‘the one’?
Sam wanted no part of it.