Work Text:
It all came to a head in the middle of recording a Mod Video.
Tommy invited Ranboo and Tubbo to record alongside Eret for a special type of Mod Video. Tommy told each of them to download this new Rainbow Mod, which involved putting rainbows into Minecraft (shockingly), but it also involved trying to get to the end of the rainbow before it disappeared to find the tiny biome it spawned as well. Typically it would be filled with rare ores like diamond or gold or emerald, as well as the occasional palm tree.
The main point was the rainbow, though, as well as Eret, because they were recording something for Pride Month! Tommy wanted to give back to his audience, even if it was minimal in the long run, so all the ad revenue from the video would go to The Trevor Project (both Ranboo and Eret gave the thumbs up for the choice in charity).
Everything was going swimmingly… until they got to their first village.
“Hey Boo,” Tubbo began randomly. “Which villager class do you think is the sexiest?”
Tommy hoped the way his character froze for a second wasn’t noticeable.
Eret laughed as Ranboo sputtered. The teen turned in-game to look at Tubbo’s skin, “What? How does that even work? They all look the same!”
Ah, so Ranboo found it funny as well. Oh boy.
Tubbo hummed a tune of sorts as he bounded into a random house, “It’s all about the Professions, Boss Man. Here, I’ll give you my answer. Out of all the villagers I could bang I would probably pick the Librarian. Let the knowledge absorb through my skin to become as smart as possible.”
Eret snorted, “Pretty sure that doesn’t work, guys. I would know.”
Okay, Tommy had to admit that was pretty funny. He joined in his friends' laughter as they all scattered to different locations in the village. Tubbo fought back, “Oh yeah, Eret? Then what would you pick then?”
The adult let out a noise that signified they were deep in thought, “Probably something like the Weaponsmith. Could you imagine the body type they would have? Working with all that heavy gear and next to that smoldering heat, woo, I can easily picture the sweat dripping off their abs no problem.”
Ranboo jumped in, “I would say ‘do you mean no sweat’ but then I realized no, that’s exactly the opposite of what you mean.”
Tommy watched his character lose half a heart as something hit him. He swung around to see Tubbo staring gleefully at him, “What about you, Tomathy? Which class would you say has the highest fuckability?”
And maybe he should have let it go; it had been a long week, he failed a test a few days prior and a few kids were being right pricks like they always were, he was bound to be more annoyed at things than he usually was. But something in his mind snapped before he could help himself, “I mean, probably none of them. They look kinda square, ya know? Not really into more geometrical-type looks.”
Eret laughed at that, “Are you sure, Tommy? Not even if one of them turned out to be a hot girl?”
Tommy felt his eyebrows twitch, “No, seriously, I wouldn’t fuck any of the Minecraft villagers.”
Ranboo made a noise that said he didn’t believe those words, “C’mon, Tommy, now you’re just being obtuse. It’s okay if your choice is weird, we won’t jud-”
“No! I’m serious, I wouldn’t bang any of them, I don’t want to bang anyone!” Tommy let it all out, “And I’m tired of everyone asking me when I’m going to try and get a date when it’s something I never fucking want ever, even if it makes me weird and unlovable or something!”
After the momentary anger washed away, Tommy felt himself go white in the face.
Oh fuck.
Before any of his friends could even begin to say something, Tommy was rushing to Discord to hop into another channel. Once the blip that let him know he had properly joined sounded, he felt like he could finally breathe again. Not very successfully, however.
As Tommy sat alone in VC 3, he proceeded to take multiple deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. He told them, told them precisely what was wrong with him, and he could only hope they would ignore it like the good friends they were.
Years of memories came flying back to Tommy. He thought this moment would bring flashes of emotional pain, so many instances of the world reminding him that he wasn’t normal would need to be fast for his brain to get them all in, but it was the exact opposite. Each moment washed over him like whiskey would probably wash down someone’s throat.
Countless moments of missing cues, constant confusion on why people assumed there was more to his actions than what there actually was, you name it. No matter where he went or the people he spent time with, he always seemed to just Not Get It.
Wondering why adults got persnickety when he wanted to spend time alone with a girl, unable to really understand why saying “We're only just hanging out" wasn’t enough to deter the suspicion.
People around him going absolutely crazy when they saw someone wearing a skimpy outfit. Always commenting on which celebrity’s abs or muscles was the best that week, surprisingly genuine debates about whether or not you were for ass or for boobs. Tommy always laughed nervously, hoping his answers didn’t come off as visibly fake before he went on to go back to the topic of Disney movies or video games.
Him trying to make friends with members of the opposite gender, everything going amazingly, when his classmates began badgering them, trying to force a romantic lense when there wasn’t any. Even as he tried to ignore it, insisting they were just being idiots, he had to watch as that opposite-gendered friend eventually drifted away out of worry it was going to get more “serious”.
To this day, even as a teenager, he still tended to hold his dad’s hand in the market so he didn’t get lost. He still fell asleep on his mom’s shoulder on the train because she was warm and safe. He was just a kid showing some love to his parents for all they’ve done. Why did people give them rude and nasty stares, like his parents were committing some sort of sinister crime right in front of them? Certainly, they knew he was their son, right?
Hugging his IRL bros when they met up. Just a good pat on the back for his homies, nothing more, nothing less. He remembered how some of his vile ex-friends yelled “GAY” at them like it was a huge joke. He wasn’t sure why that hurt less than when the girls in the friend group got disappointed after they reiterated that “no, they weren’t actually in a relationship."
Nothing ever made sense to him growing up. As his friends practically galloped into the world of romance, all whooping and cheering when they landed themselves a significant other, leaving Tommy to give them genuine but overall mundane congratulations. Why didn’t he want that? Everyone around him did, so why didn’t he?
And he tried, oh how he tried to ignite some kind of similar fire within himself. Every once in a while he would pick a close friend to have a ‘crush’ on. He figured they were already close enough, getting a romantic connection would only be one step closer, right? Sooner rather than later, the ‘crush’ would die just like his hopes and dreams. He would remember occasionally blushing during certain interactions, but he wasn’t sure if it was the blush of embarrassment or the blush of “oh shit oh fuck are they going to realize I’m faking it at the moment?”
Then he made a career in streaming, and if you asked his fans what he tended to do, they would probably mention his constant yelling about how much he loved women. About how many wives he wanted. He tried to put himself in the shoes of people who simply got it- the way lesbians could just openly share how romantically in love they could be would always earn Tommy’s respect- but alas, nothing changed.
When that didn’t work, he tried the exact opposite. Maybe if he screamed about his hatred toward men loud enough something deep inside his subconscious would erupt outward to slap him in the face and realize he was denying his true feelings. Sure, it was a stupid idea when you said it out loud, but he was getting desperate. Something had to work.
Despite the inner turmoil, he continued through life making sure his friends knew he loved them. He never stopped the platonic hugging, gave the homies their platonic kisses goodbye; still got as close to people as he emotionally could despite the lack of wanting something “more”. His love was infinite, even if the world thought it was for lesser reasons.
But still, that nagging thought at the back of his head never left: something is wrong with you, and you will never be able to escape it.
He didn’t realize he had been silently crying until a Discord blip noise sounded from his computer, signaling someone had joined his VC, “... Toms?”
Ah, of course, it was Eret. It made perfect sense why his other friends sent them in. Maybe the news about his messed up “attraction” would hurt less if it came from someone who, while not owning a monopoly of knowledge on the community, was at least a part of it. Tommy sniffled and wiped the wetness from his face away, “Y-Yep, that’s my name. Don’t wear it out.”
Eret shuffled some things around on their end of the call, “Do you mind turning on your camera for a second?”
Tommy froze. He already told them how weird he was, the last thing he wanted to do was show them how much of a mess it made him as well.
Eret was able to read the silence, “Tommy, it’s nothing bad, I swear. I’m just worried about you, Tubbo and Ranboo are too.”
Ah, what the hell, Tommy already confessed enough. Taking a deep breath and wiping away the rest of the tear tracks as much as he could, he leaned over to click on the camera just like Eret asked him to.
Eret felt their chest tighten at the state of their young friend, “Oh Tommy. Did you think we’d be mad at you for how you felt?”
Tommy rubbed his chin against his knees as he shrugged his shoulders, “I mean, not mad, but… it’s kinda weirdchamp, what my brain has going on, ya know?”
Eret hummed, “And why is that?”
Tommy raised his head slightly, getting agitated at why Eret won’t just remove the metaphorical band-aid, “I mean, everyone around me constantly talks about who they want to bang or date, and I’m over here wanting to talk about which dog breed is objectively the best ‘n stuff. I don't really add much when it comes to the 'relationship' category for conversations.”
Eret finally turned on their camera, “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. You still value your friendships, right? You and The Boys and all that.”
Tommy sat up rapidly, panic adorning his face, “Of course! I wouldn’t let what- whatever it is I have get in between...”
Eret let out a few shushes like a mother would trying to calm their crying child, “Sorry, that’s not what I meant. I meant that just because you don’t want to spend your time oogling over everyone that’s ‘hot’ or want to make a romantic commitment right away doesn’t make you broken, or whatever. Our society moves very quickly, you shouldn’t feel bad for wanting to go at your own pace. Sticking to platonic relationships until you’re more settled down in life is completely valid.”
Tommy pursed his lips, “But I don’t want it ever. I’ve tried to get my brain to figure it out for the past seven years but it just won’t work. The most I want is a group of friends to hang out and game with, but everybody else wants something more.”
Eret’s mouth gaped slightly, making an ‘oh’ shape and freezing.
Tommy unfurled from his chair and nervously rubbed the tips of his armrests, “So… so that’s why I’m so worried about everything. Gay people still want something, and then when it comes to cool people like you, they got their thing with gender and who ‘owns’ it that day, whereas I’m pretty okay with being the Biggest Man that I’ve always been. Unlike all of them, I’m just… blank.”
Eret clicked their mouth shut and flattened their lips, contemplating the blond’s words. Soon after that, they scooted closer to their desk and started clacking the keys on their keyboard. Tommy tilted his eyebrows in confusion, wondering what the hell Eret was getting at before two DM notification noises sounded out from his computer.
Eret began speaking as Tommy opened their private chat, “Can you do me a favor and click on those links for me. Read what they have to say before you keep tearing into yourself like that.”
Tommy squinted his eyes as if reading the titles of the links would make more sense that way. There were two of them, both leading to an LGBTQ+ Wiki, and the words designated as the ‘main part’ of the URL both started with A.
Asexual (often shortened to ace) is a sexual orientation defined by a lack of sexual attraction.
Aromantic (often shortened to aro) is a romantic orientation defined by a lack of romantic attraction.
… Oh. Tommy couldn’t stop blinking, and he felt how his mouth wouldn’t shut as well as how something clogged his throat. Emotion, maybe. But Big Man TommyInnit didn’t get emotional, so it couldn’t have been that.
Eret was softly chuckling at the boy’s bewilderment, “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and there never will be. Ranboo and Tubbo are itching to either apologize or ask you for names that made you feel this shitty.”
Tommy laughed as he closed the tabs. He leaned back in his chair and stared up at the wall right above his PC, “Huh, I wonder why I didn’t know about this… identity.”
Eret brushed their bangs out of their eyes, “Eh, it tends to be one of the lesser-known sexualities. Only about four to five percent of people identify as asexual, and even less of that identify as aromantic, not even taking into account those that are aro but not ace. Plus it’s not like schools teach you this kind of stuff anyway.”
Tommy absentmindedly nodded his head throughout that entire explanation, “Hmm, makes sense I suppose. If you want to head back to Tubs and Boobie you can, I’ll join again in a second.”
Eret nodded, moving to go back to the original call, “Sounds good, I’ll let them know you’ll be back soon.”
Tommy vaguely listened to the noise Discord made when someone left the VC you were in. He was so enthralled with this new information that he needed a few seconds to absorb it all. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t alone so much that there were literal labels he could use to describe his feelings.
He joined the VC to the cheers of his teenage friends. Ranboo immediately tried to apologize afterward but Tommy shut it down. Even if they needed to apologize, Tommy was so elated to the point that it wouldn’t have mattered.
The rest of the recording went off without a hitch, and he couldn’t wait to talk to Larry about editing and... maybe another thing or two. Deep down, Tommy knew he still had a plethora of people he needed to tell, each of them with their own list of possible reactions both positive and negative, but that was a later problem.
Tommy wasn’t weird, or wrong, he was simply him.
The future was looking a little bit more colorful.
---
Tommy couldn’t stop the way he twiddled his thumbs in his lap.
He was in a Discord call with the other Sleepy Bois, everyone’s camera turned on ‘sides Techno. Which, at any other time would be normal for them, but alas, this wasn’t any other time.
Eret was a singular DM away in case Tommy needed help explaining anything. Tubbo and Ranboo were busy streaming, but they had their own way of being supportive in case things went south.
“I highly doubt they’ll get weird about it,” Tubbo explained with a chirp. “You’ve seen the clips of their support, and Wilbur’s got a list of pride flag emotes in his server longer than years Philza’s been alive, but in the extremely rare event they end up not being PogChamp, just let us know. We’ll get Jack to log onto the Dream SMP and nukes will be dropped on their cozy cabins so fast they’ll get nuclear radiation in real life.”
Ranboo gave a thumbs-up emoji in the chat after the brunette’s spiel, allowing Tommy to break into his familiar raucous laugh.
Philza, ever the patient man, was the first to break the silence, “Hey mate, what’s happening?”
Agh, curse the man’s ability to sound endlessly soft. Tommy was worried how some of their fans’ (understandable) fixation on calling him a dad would be draining, but then he always came through with moments like these, and the nomenclature of Dadza aggressively made sense, “Well, I, um, have something to tell… you guys…”
Wilbur was fiddling with one of his fidget rings, which was probably half the reason his expression was as calm as it was, “Aw, Tommy, whatever it is you don’t need to be scared. We’ll love you no matter what, even if you finally decided to go forth with your crime-committing ways.”
“Didja get a wife finally?” Techno asked cheekily, and Tommy hoped the way he flinched slightly was actually slightly and not super fucking obvious.
“Uh, funnily enough about that…” Tommy droned on before gulping. “It’s kinda the exact opposite?”
Wilbur and Philza blinked, and Tommy could assume with probable cause that Techno did the same. Wilbur’s mouth was slightly open in shock, “Tommy, are you implying you have a boyfriend or something? If that’s the case, then hell yeah I’ll be supportive. I’m sorry if I made you think otherwise.”
Tommy could feel the way his fingers were itching to rip the leather off his desk chair. Just yank the bandage off it’ll hurt less and you’ll be done with it okay why is this so difficult- “N-No, it’s not that, don’t apologize. I wanted to confess that I have no one, and it will, well, stay that way. For the rest of my life, so to speak.”
Tommy could hear his bones grinding with how he tensed up. The air got thick all of a sudden, and he didn’t like how long it took for the cogs in his friends’ heads to start turning. Philza cleared his throat, “Okay, I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re a little lost.”
Tommy exhaled quickly. It felt like there was a weight on his shoulders, and it would only go away if he spilled out every detail within 30 seconds, “Well, recently I was recording the next Mod Video, and it was dedicated to Pride Month because I wanted it to be. About an hour in we found the first village, and they all began talking about which kind of villager they would bang more. I had been having somewhat of a long week, so when they asked for my opinion, I didn’t feel like pretending and kinda snapped that I don’t like those topics because I don’t want that kind of stuff. I freaked out because I just confessed the biggest secret I ever had in my life, so I left the call to release my angst in a separate VC when Eret joined and told me that it was normal. That there’s something called ‘aromantic’ and ‘asexual’ and that you could be both and not want to date or have sex ever and that it didn’t make me wrong or broken-”
The oppressive weight was increased tenfold, and Tommy clicked his mouth shut in a panic. He was on the verge of yeeting himself out of the call to let Eret take his place when Philza finally interrupted his inner turmoil.
“Aw, Toms,” the man cooed. “Yeah, I know what you’re talking about. Wilbur does too since he was the one that told me about that kind of stuff. Seriously, I know you said don’t apologize, but I feel I kinda have to. You should never feel that nervous about wanting to tell us something ”
Tommy shrugged, the weight from earlier going away slowly like air would leak out of a tiny hole in a balloon, “I mean, it wasn’t because of anything you did. If I found out I was something like bisexual or trans I would have had no hesitation telling you that. I’m not ashamed about being aroace and stuff, I just figured it was a little more of a stretch than other identities since those involve wanting relationships like every human should supposedly ‘want’ or ‘need’. Kinda worried not wanting that would be too far or something.”
Wilbur’s face was still as calm as it was since the beginning, but Tommy noticed he wasn’t fidgeting with his toy anymore either. His calmness was more one of you listen to me right now, “You don’t have to worry about being yourself around us, Tommy, and anyone who would get pissy about it can go through me first. Besides, I could go on a 20-minute rant about the oversexualization in society and how it warps our perception of relationships, but I know that’s not what you came in here for.”
Tommy giggled and very conveniently ignored the way he wanted to burst out into tears at how supportive they were. Philza did get a little suspicious at something, however, and before Tommy could try to guess what it was, the man was asking a question, “Have you told your parents about this yet?”
Tommy hummed, “No, I haven’t. But I don’t think they’ll be upset or anything.” Truly, he believed they’ll react just fine to the news. They’ve always hinted at how they wanted him to bring home a nice significant other at some point, but they’ve always stressed that his ultimate happiness came first. They would support him as long as he didn’t murder or some shit, “I just wanted to tell you guys first.”
Wilbur let out a noise as one would at an adorable animal, “Aawweeee Tommyyyyy, I’m super honored to be one of the first people you told.”
Philza was grinning as well, but his focus was elsewhere, “Hey, Techno, mate, are you still with us?”
Coldness washed over Tommy uncomfortably. He just remembered that Phil and Wilbur weren’t the only ones he invited into the call to come out to.
Unfortunately, the American let them know he was still alive with an awkward clearing of his throat, “Uh, yeah, sorry. I think someone is at my door. Give me a sec to take care of that.”
With a blip, Techno left the call, leaving the Brits to ruminate in confusion. Wilbur blinked, “Well, that was… abnormal.”
Tommy’s throat felt parched, and before he could try and swallow down spit like it was a whole ass rock, his DM between him and Techno sounded out.
Technoblade
hey sorry for the pressure but do you mind hopping in a private call w me
Tommy licked his lips nervously, wondering how to play this off before the idea hit him like a tennis racket. He turned away from his computer to yell at his door, “YEAH?”
Neither of his parents were home at the moment, which would help him in the long run. His dad wasn’t there to scold him for being too loud, nor did he have to worry about his mom hearing him and asking what was up.
Tommy continued up the act, “MOM I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING! I NEED- YOU CAN’T-”
He cut himself off with an overdramatic groan and placed his hands over his eyes and mouth, shaking his head. A mischievous grin fell over Wilbur’s face, “Tommy, don’t deny MotherInnit like this. If she needs you, she needs you. Go help her out and we’ll be waiting right here for when you get back.”
Tommy inhaled before leaning forward to grab his mouse to leave the call, “Yeah, fair enough. Sorry boys, but I have been summoned.”
He left before he could hear their responses. He moved the mouse cursor to click on the chat between him and Techno, and he moved it again to hover over the Call Button, but for some reason, he wasn’t able to click that one. That parched feeling was back in his throat alongside something that felt like he hadn’t eaten all day.
His mind flipped back and forth between two emotions like a very aggressive metronome.
On one side, it berated him. What is wrong with you? Technoblade is your friend! How dare you even think he’s capable of being that way. You literally made your other friends apologize because you were being such a little baby, just suck it up!
The other, more protective side, told him to play it safe. He left the call immediately after you confessed. He thinks it’s weird, he’s wondering why he never saw this side of you sooner. He probably wanted to tell you this in a private call so he could continue being friends with Wil and Philza, knowing that you wouldn’t rat him out.
“Tommy?”
Shit, he didn’t realize he clicked the button in the middle of his panic. He shoved it down and played it off, “Y-Yeah, Techno?”
It was a second of silence before Techno’s camera turned on, Tommy making eye contact with the bespectacled man, “So… you said your lack of wanting a relationship of any kind was arrow-ace?”
Tommy thinned his lips, “Um, ‘aro’ ace, but yeah. Basically.”
Techno hummed, and Tommy let out a singular nervous laugh before silence filled their call yet again. Sooner rather than later, Techno finally strung together his thoughts to be coherent enough to talk.
“I didn’t think…” a beat of silence. It was enough for Tommy’s brain to run an entire triathlon. Didn’t think I was friends with someone like you? Didn’t realize you weren’t just annoying, but unnatural as well? “I wasn’t aware there were other people like me.”
Oh.
Tommy relaxed immensely at the confession, feeling slightly guilty he could ever assume the worst of one of his closest friends, “Yeah? Getting hot babes not really high on your priority list then?”
Techno shrugged his shoulders, “Never really thought too hard about it. Figured I was suffering from a case of really late puberty and that the feelings would come in due time. Floof was enough to keep me company anyhow.”
Tommy laughed. Of course, Techno would think of it like that, incredible, “Welp, Big T, you don’t have to worry about puberty of any kind! Don’t feel too bad when it comes to not knowing about it, Eret mentioned how it’s only like five percent of the population that identifies with this label, so you know… time to be cryptids I guess.”
The adult huffed a laugh, “Right, it’s like what Niki said. ‘Do not perceive me’ or something. Hard to know if I agreed because of the social anxiety or some other reason.”
Tommy’s laughter was so loud he almost missed Phil’s and Wilbur’s DMs asking if they were okay and if they should reschedule a longer Discord call for later. What mom friends, those guys could be.
That was the thing, yeah? His friendships were one-of-a-kind, more than enough for him, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.