Work Text:
Dean collided harshly with Cas, taking both of their breath away. Cas felt his friend's body against his, holding him so tightly that Cas could hear their hearts beating together, in harmony. An embrace which, as always, seemed to carry so much of Dean’s emotions, his relief, his fear, but also the words he had spoken minutes before, suspended between them.
Dean exhaled deeply, tension releasing from his body, and broke the hug. But he didn’t let go of Cas yet, gripping him by the shoulder instead, almost in the exact same spot Cas had held on to when he’d dragged Dean out of hell, a thousand years ago, or so it seemed.
“You okay?” Dean asked, voice slightly choked with emotions.
“I'm fine.” He didn’t think any of them had ever been “fine”, as they alway said. But at that moment, it was more real than it had been for a long time.
Cas briefly explained what had happened to him while they were apart, fighting for his life and for a flower that apparently contained in its petals their hopes of saving the world. As he spoke, he scanned Dean's face out of habit, trying to find a trace of his anger, but there was none. Only a soft, proud smile, mingled with relief.
“You did it.” Dean chuckled. “You did it, Cas.”
Cas shrugged awkwardly, unable to respond to the praise. He knew, rationally, that Dean had forgiven him. He knew he was Dean’s friend again. He’d heard it, and he’d felt it, but seeing Dean’s expression, happy, fond, and relieved, rendered Cas speechless for a split second.
“Well, they're still after me. We should hurry.”
Dean’s grasp on his shoulder stopped him, his voice suddenly strained and urgent. “Wait. Wait, Cas. I need to say something.”
Cas suddenly realized that Dean couldn’t know if he had received his desperate prayer. He didn't know if Cas had heard his apology, and yet he still threw himself into his arms, holding him like a drowning man clinging to his lifeline to stay afloat.
Cas grinned fondly. “You don’t have to say it. I heard your prayer.”
Dean swallowed the rest of his words and smiled, though it wasn't as bright as earlier. "That's great, Cas. I meant it. I meant all of it."
Cas closed his eyes an instant, remembering the wave of raw emotion he had felt as Dean's words echoed in his head. Even though he had experienced many human feelings himself, he had not been able to decipher all of Dean's at that moment, so complicated and powerful, all blending in beautiful dissonance.
“I know, Dean. Your prayers are always so full of emotions. I couldn’t possibly believe they are anything but genuine.” And Cas felt the need to add, just to make sure Dean knew, “I forgive you, Dean. I forgive you too.”
Dean’s expression turned slightly sour, so quickly that Cas wouldn’t have noticed if he didn’t know him inside and out. He wasn’t sure if Dean truly believed him, or even if he even thought he deserved to be forgiven. He probably didn’t, knowing Dean and his tendency towards self-hatred, but despite all that happened, it was the truth.
During his years on earth, Cas had learned the meaning of forgiveness and clemency, something unknown to Angels. He had decided that being able to show mercy, especially to those who wished to do better, was a quality, rather than a weakness. He had discovered along the way that it was even easier to forgive, perhaps too much at times, when it came to family, and especially the man he loved.
Dean continued, pulling Cas out of his thoughts. “That's not all, though. There's something else I need to tell you. It’s been in me for a long time, but I guess I didn’t realize it, at first, and then I- I just thought saying it was pointless, you know? But today, while I was looking for you, I was so sure I would never see you again and I realized- I just couldn’t let you go without saying it. That if we’re all gonna die soon, no matter what comes of this, I need you to hear it.”
Cas raised his head and locked eyes with Dean, his friend’s determination meeting his very own confusion. What more than forgiveness could be so important that Dean needed to confess it right there and then, in this place that only wished to see them dead?
“I said I let you go because it was easier than admitting I was wrong, because I had too much blame than I could put on myself, so I put it on you. And for that, I’m so sorry. But there’s something else.” He took a deep breath. “Truth is, I was also scared. All those times I let you go, I was terrified.”
Both seemed to realize that Dean had begun to grip Cas's shoulder tighter in an attempt to steady himself, and he finally let go of Cas as he admitted his own fear, putting more distance between them.
Cas had to admit that this was an unusual confession, coming from Dean. He was not often like this, open, earnest, vulnerable. Cas knew that expanding on what he truly felt, deep down, was a mark of trust that Dean offered to very few people, on few occasions. Given the events of the past weeks, and the way they had strained their relationship, it was good to be reminded that Dean trusted him, not only with his life, but with his soul.
Dean kept going, struggling to get the words out. “I was scared of my own feelings, ‘cause every time you left, I just wanted- No, I needed you back. Not because you or your powers were useful to us, but just because I wanted you to be here. I always did, even when it wasn’t reasonable, and I just didn’t know how to ask you to stay. Or if you even wanted to stay.”
“Dean…” Cas tried to intervene, confused.
“At first, I convinced myself that I needed you here for safety. Stick together to protect our family. But then I realized, I just wanted you here for the simplest things, just to hang out, for movie nights, for the simplest hunts, and not just to save the world. And for some reason, that was terrifying.”
A rush of warmth spread through all of Cas’s body. He craved it too, all that Dean described. The simple happiness, the sharing, being together , even if it wasn’t exactly in the way Cas desired it… And now, hearing that Dean truly wanted this, that Dean didn’t need him only as a weapon, but as a friend, it was overwhelming. It was…joyful.
“And when you died- I was a wreck, Cas. And I think that’s when I truly understood. The last time I lost you, that’s when it kicked in.”
Dean raised his head, looking straight into Castiel’s eyes, something soft but frightened, too, in his expression. Cas didn’t understand. Or maybe he did, but his brain couldn’t register it. Couldn’t even imagine it being true.
“Dean, I- I don’t-.”
“I love you, Cas.” He confessed, voice low and hopeful, saying those words Cas dreamt of hearing for so long. “I fucking love you. “You don’t have to- I don’t need you to say it back,” He added quickly, seeing Cas’s frozen, shocked expression. “I just wanted you to know. That’s all.”
Joy overflowed Cas’s body, such a foreign emotion that it took him by surprise. Making him smile, wider than he ever had. Dean was in love with him. All those years, Cas had struggled alone, trying to understand feelings completely foreign to him. Thinking that never, in his wildest dreams, Dean would ever share them. And suddenly, learning that he did? That he could have had it all, his happiness, Dean? It felt surreal.
But as sudden as the joy, a wave of dread spilled through his body. Because he remembered. He remembered that day when he realized his life was worth nothing next to Jack’s. Because today was the happiest day of Castiel’s life, a day he never thought would come. Because suddenly, Castiel’s sun was shining, in the person of Dean, in his confession.
He could pretend. Pretend that he didn’t reciprocate. Watch Dean’s face fall, his hopeful smile shrink. But he knew there was no point in denying it now, that even seeing Dean’s heartbroken and shattered expression wouldn’t be able to stop what was about to happen. He didn’t need to let himself be happy, not when Dean had just told him that he was irrevocably in love with him.
“Cas...?” Dean intervened. “Kinda freaking me out here, buddy. You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Mind saying something?”
They didn’t have much time, Cas felt it. So, he had to make the most of it. If not for him, for Dean. Dean, who was never his, but still his Dean, from the very moment their soul and grace met.
Silently, he cupped Dean’s face, touching him where he’d never allowed himself to, unless it was to heal him. His own little selfish pleasure. Dean looked back at him, mouth slightly parted, like unable to breath.
“I love you too. I have, ever since I realized what love is.”
Dean let out a relieved sigh and chuckled. “You do? Damn, Cas I didn’t think- I’m just freaking glad, that is.”
For an instant, the world shined even brighter, more than Cas ever imagined it could. He allowed himself a few seconds of this incredible joy, of them, just them , before letting go and stepping away again.
“And I’m sorry, too, I wish we could have-” He stopped. He didn’t even know what he could have wished for. He had never dared to hope.
“What are you talking about, Cas? What the hell are you sorry for?” Dean closed the gap between them again, and Cas didn’t have the will to step away this time. “You just said you love me back.”
Cas closed his eyes, not willing to meet Dean’s gaze anymore. Purgatory might have been containing the Empty for a few minutes, making him harder to be found. But it would take him, sooner or later. And he owed Dean the truth.
“When Jack died, I made a deal. The Empty wanted him, but it agreed to take me, in his stead. But not right away. It would only come the moment I would finally be truly happy. My very own moment of happiness.”
Dean started back at him, his face frozen in incomprehension. A win, no string attached, he’d said, many months ago. But here were the strings, finally revealing themselves at the worst possible moment.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell us? Me ?” He finally blurted out, as if he would have been able to reverse the curse by sheer force of will.
“I didn’t want to burden you with this. I knew if I told you, you would have tried to find a way to save me, because you care so much. But I couldn’t risk endangering any of you.” Cas smiled sadly, not wanting to say he never thought he was worth it. “I never truly believed this day would come, anyway. Because I knew the one thing I wanted, the one thing that could make me truly happy, I could never have.
“You could have had me!” He added, his voice softer. “You have me, Cas.”
“I know. I wish I’d known sooner. It’s too late for us, Dean, but it’s not too late for you .” He poured all the love in his heart into this last word, praying it would be enough for Dean to believe him. “I want you to be happy, because you deserve it. I know you think that anger, and violence, is all that you are but it’s not true. Everything that you did, you did for love. You are the reason I cared so much, about you, Sam, Jack, about the whole world. Knowing you…it changed me. For the better.”
“Don’t talk like that. Don’t you dare give me some bullshit heartfelt speech.” Dean sounded angry now, out of despair, out of fear. “We’re gonna find a way, you hear me? You are not dying on me. Not now, not ever again.”
All of a sudden, Cas heard a noise behind him, a noise that had haunted him for months. Dean’s hopeless gaze landed on something, right behind him, something that seemingly made his blood freeze. Cas turned just in time to see black goo emerging from the tree, enveloping it completely. And Castiel was next.
“It’s too late. I don’t think there was ever a way.” He whispered urgently. “I’m sorry, Dean. I truly am. I don’t regret making that deal, but I’ll always regret not having a chance to be with you.”
“Don’t. Please, don’t do this to me, Cas.” He begged.
Cas couldn’t respond anymore, his throat completely choked. Suddenly, he realized he was crying, tears running down his face. It felt weird to cry for himself, for what he could have had, and not for someone else, this time.
Knowing that the end was near, that this was their last chance, he pulled Dean closer, closer than they’d ever been, and slowly, carefully, he kissed him. It was soft, not as intense as it should have been in this situation. As if they’d get to have another kiss after this, and another, and another. Dean responded to the kiss, harsher, desperate, almost. His lips tasted of salt, and Cas realized that he was crying too.
When he felt the Empty’s cold arms enveloping him in its embrace, gripping him out of Dean’ warmth, he smiled.
“Goodbye, Dean.” He mouthed.
Cas closed his eyes, his final vision of Dean stuck behind his eyelids. And finally, he surrendered to darkness.