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Dick poked his head into Duke’s room, a confused expression drawing his eyebrows down. His hair was messy, and by the leather jacket still clinging to his arms’ he had just gotten to the manor from Blüdhaven.
“Hey Duke, do you have any clue as to why Bruce is staring at the wall in the kitchen with the blankest expression is human history?”
Duke snorted, placing their notebook and pen, (it was a very fancy pen with gold ink and glitter. It was their favourite) down onto the plush bedsheets under them. They waved Dick over and pet the spot beside them, gold-flecked eyes glowing in the golden hour light.
Dick fell gracelessly onto the cotton sheets and rolling over so he was staring at his sibling.
“I sense a story!” He sang, blue eyes swimming with mischief. Duke grinned, a bright thing that lit up the room. Literally.
Duke smirked. (How he was considered the sane bat for whatever reason. Really, they should know better.)
“Well you see,” they began. “It started earlier today….”
*****
Wayne Manor Kitchen, Earlier that day.
“The phrase ‘I highly doubt that’ is one of the most powerful sentences in the English language.”
Tim looked up from his ice-cream with a raised eyebrow. “Like ‘That’s what they want you to think?’ ”
Barbara nodded and reached over to grab her cup of tea, taking a slow sip. “Exactly.”
Jason snickered. “They never stopped me.” The butter knife he was using to butter his Oreo of all things, Jason what the fuck, flashing with every swipe.
Duke stared at the biscuit covered in yellow dairy, lip and scar curling in disgust. “Does anything stop you?” Jason had the audacity to laugh at their expression.
Barbara cut in smoothly. “You have to say them in the right tone.”
Steph swallowed her mouthful of waffles. “Oooh, like,” Her tone shifted into something more placating and condescending. “‘If you say so.’ ”
Jason tilted his head towards Steph with a raised expression. “Okay, point.” He conceded.
Duke bit their lip for a second, racking their brain for something to add. They suddenly grinned. “What about, ‘Did your parents tell you that?’”
Tim pointed his spoon at Duke and waved it like a magic wand sending small clumps of ice-cream flying to plop unceremoniously on the counter, Steph immediately swooping in and swiping the ice-cream up with a finger and shoving the appendage in her mouth with a pop, smirking at Tim when he glared at her.
He refocused his attention on Duke. “That’s a good one.”
Duke beamed at the spleen less vigilante.
Jason shook his head with a grin. “No no, ‘Do you always do what you’re told?’ is way better.” Duke pouted at him, causing Jason to send them an apologetic smile. “Sorry sunshine, yours’ is great though.”
Barbara smirked and opened her mouth, though the group silenced when the jamb on the door was knocked against the wood, the door creaking open to reveal a less vulturous and more alien reporter.
Clark smiled at them. “Hello kids, I was in Gotham so I thought I’d pop in.”
He stepped fully into the kitchen, leaving the door behind him open. “Is Bruce here?”
Steph’s eyes glinted and she shrugged. “Who knows-” She suddenly snapped her fingers. “Oh that’s another good one.”
Clark didn’t pay her much mind, (Big Mistake honestly.) Instead, he frowned and adapted to what Duke refers to as his Megamind state. Fingers on his chin, eyebrows drawn.
“Well he’s not on a mission. Crime has been down lately.”
Tim smirked. “That’s what they want you to think.” He shoved another spoonful of ice-cream into his mouth.
Clark frowned, staring at them suspiciously. “No, it is.”
Steph held up her hands in a universal sign of surrender, both of her hands palm forward in front of her chest. “If you say so.” Her tone was mollifying, borderline condescending.
Clark sent them a look. “It’s down five percent.” He insisted, clearly becoming vexed. Barbara scoffed into her tea, staring Clark down unflinchingly over the rim of her cup. “I highly doubt that.” Her voice took a tone so haughty and snobby that Damian Wayne himself would have been proud.
Duke hid a snicker behind their hand.
“It was in the paper yesterday. Statistics don’t lie.” Clark was clearly becoming distressed. Duke snorted, summoning a small string of light to twist into patterns on their hand. “Did your parents tell you that?”
It was clear that Clark was taken aback by their snark, eyes bugging out to stare at them.
He shook his head. “What- look, I’m just looking for Bruce.”
Tim stabbed his spoon more aggressively that necessary into his ice-cream, eyes shining gleefully as as Clark paled at the show of ‘violence.’ (That poor ice-cream, stabbed by Tim like it was worth nothing.) Duke fought to keep their snickers down at the image.
“Check the cave.”
Clark stared at Tim as if he had grown two heads. “I-I’m not supposed to go down there without company.”
Jason crowed gleefully, green eyes glowing with mirth. “Do you always do as you’re told?” He smiled at Clark a tad too sharply.
Clark spluttered. “Well, yes generally I do-“
Barbara set her cup down and leaned back in her wheelchair. “I highly doubt that.”
Clark glared at the redhead. “I do!”
“If you say so.” Steph sing-songed.
Clark sighed in exasperation. “I'm Superman! I try to do what's right in any situation!” He crossed his arms like a petulant toddler.
Tim turned to Jason. “That's what they want you to think”
“I-“
Clark began to raise his voice to a louder pitch. A shadow suddenly filling the doorway interrupted before he could continue.
Bruce leaned against the doorway, face filled with confusion. “Clark? What are you doing here?”
Clark threw his hands in the air. “I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE!”
Bruce stared at the Kryptonian before turning and narrowing his eyes at the kids gathered innocently at the island. “What did you do?”
No one spoke a word, five sets of sparkling eyes trained on him from their spots.
Bruce glared. “I know you did something.”
Nothing. (Oh this was a bad idea, but Duke really wanted to say it.)
Bruce didn’t let up, crossing his arms like a disappointed father. “I'm going to find out sooner or later.” Duke leaned over to Steph, their voice dropping to a whisper.
“I wanna say it.”
They kept their eyes trained on Bruce. Steph sent them a wide-eyed look. “Sunshine, no.” She hissed, though she looked interested at the same time.
(They had immunity ad both one of Bruce’s favourites, and the reputation of the sane one, so they could just pin it on Jason corrupting them…)
Fuck it.
Still staring Bruce in the eyes they asked: “Did your parents tell you that?”
Jason choked on his buttered Oreo. Served the bitch right.
********
Wayne Manor, Duke’s Bedroom, Current Time.
Dick stared at Duke before letting a wheezing chuckle, blue eyes sparkling with tears. “Holy shit, how’d you get out of that one?”
Duke shrugged. “Favourite child status. Bruce is convinced I’m the sane one ad that Jason is corrupting me.”
Dick whistled. “Damn, how long ago was that?”
Duke smirked. “Going on five hours.” They picked up their pen and notebook. “Jason’s a B.O.B.”
Dick rose an eyebrow. Duke shrugged.
“Buttered, Oreo, Bitch.”