Work Text:
'They say "You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first."
Self-care comes first.
Bullshit.
I have never loved myself.
But you;
Oh god, I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like.'
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Tony sometimes wondered if it was fate toying with him. He fell for people hard and fast, like a snowball rolling down a hill, only getting bigger with time. And yet, he couldn’t love the one person that was always around, the one he couldn't escape from. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't love himself.
He seemed to have a curse that forced him to fall in love with people that would never like him back. He thought he broke the curse with Pepper, but Fate was playing the long game. The Accords were the last straw on the camel's back, as the saying goes, and they broke up. They always did have an on again, off again relationship, but this time it was over, for good.
Pepper couldn't handle all the baggage he came with. Obviously, she was kind enough not to say it exactly like that, but Tony was a genius, and he could read between the lines.
Besides, she said when they broke up, smiling slightly. We both know we are better off as friends, and I'm not the one you're in love with.
It took a lot of time, introspection, and as much as he hates to admit it, drinking, but he realised Pepper was right. They are better off as friends, and the company is a lot better for it too.
He didn’t even touch the second part of the sentence with a ten foot pole for a long time. But an empty penthouse gives him a lot of time to think, and he knows why he tried so hard to keep the Avengers together, and why Siberia hurt so much. He's used to people betraying him, as sad as it sounds. But Steve keeping such a big secret from him for years? He'd rather face off Obie - no, Stane - a hundred times than have Steve betray him even once. And yet, he can't stop feeling this way.
He's in love with Steven Grant Rogers, and has been for a long time, well before he and Pepper got together. He was his childhood crush, and the feeling only intensified when he met the Star Spangled Man in person.
But they got off on the wrong foot. Me insulting him probably didn't help matters. He thought bitterly as he poured yet another glass of scotch. Should've known he'd hate me. Howard never failed to remind me of that.
But Pepper was right about a lot of things, but she was especially right about him not having any self preservation skills whatsoever. Maybe that's why he's thrown himself into getting Team Cap's pardons, even though he knows it will only end in tears. Well, it won't end in tears for him, it'll end in slashed wrists or thighs and broken glass because Stark men don't cry.
He's not stupid, he knows what he's doing it's healthy. But more importantly, there's no one around to stop him. He stops taking care of himself, working himself to the bone, no longer sporting the well-kept goatee he's so famously known for. He's sporting a beard now, and it's definitely not well-kept. He only really cuts it when it starts getting in the way of work.
Pepper is all over the world for SI meetings, and anyway, she's not responsible for him anymore. Rhodey’s away on military business, and that's another mistake to add to his ever growing list, because he's paralysed, and will never walk again, not without help. Happy is the head of security, and most certainly doesn't have time for his shenanigans. And Peter.
Oh god, Peter.
If there's one thing he regrets more than anything, it's bringing a literal child to a war zone. It doesn't matter that he thought it wasn't going to be a war, it was, and Peter got hurt. He's not good enough to be in the same country as Peter, let alone mentor him. That's why he hands Peter to Happy, keeps him at arm's length, because he won't let the kid get hurt because of him, not again. And sure he regrets it a little, but he doesn't deserve to be around someone as pure and precious as Peter.
So he does the only thing he knows. He throws himself into work, not sleeping until he passes out. He mutes F.R.I.D.A.Y when she tries to stop him, forbidding her from telling anyone. He falls back into old habits, punishing himself for even the littlest mistakes, like dropping his wrench, or accidentally tripping over something in the lab.
His arms and thighs are littered with cuts again. He had gotten better for a while when the Avengers were living in the Tower, but he's back to pre-Avengers level.
Then all of his sucking up with the government and meetings and pain finally pays off, and the Rogue Avengers are pardoned. Of course all of the blood, sweat and metaphorical tears he gave wasn't enough, it never is. The Rogues move back into the Tower.
He's there to greet them, having actually showered and trimmed his beard back to a goatee for the first time since he got back from Siberia, wearing a three piece suit, a different version of the armour. He knows exactly what they think of him. They think he's selfish, egotistical, an alcoholic, and they're right. So he plays into that role, even though deep down, he's not like that, he never has been.
He misses the pain in Steve's eyes, the concern in Natasha’s, the regret in Clint’s as he greets them, showing them to their renovated space. He doesn't know Wanda did her research whilst she was in Wakanda, found out Tony's wasn't responsible for the bomb that killed her parents, that it was a fake, planted by HYDRA to get her and Pietro on their side. He doesn't know she's forgiven him. He doesn't know that they're all worried about him.
Things are bad for a while even after the Rogues' return. Tony hides out in his lab, pushing himself harder than ever, he upgrades every piece of Avengers' tech, stays on tip of SI projects, starts new charities and relief funds, but it's not enough. He needs more. The scars get worse, and he has to change his bandages upwards of four times a day, but it's still enough. He deserves it, he knows he does.
It's not until a mandatory training session that things take a turn for the better. Steve accidentally has his hands too close to Tony's face, and all of a sudden he's back in Siberia, back in that feeling of pain, horror and terror. Steve's eyes are wide as F.R.I.D.A.Y coaches Tony out of the biggest panic attack he's had in weeks, but all Tony can think about is how weak he must look in front of the team, how they're definitely judging him.
Steve's voice is soft as he asks Tony a question. "Tony, are you scared of me?"
"No, I'm not, that was… That was nothing, Cap, don't worry about it," Tony says with forced cheer, moving to leave the room.
"Tony, I really think we should talk. It would really help," Natasha says, and Tony knows she's right, as much as he wants to deny it.
And so they do. They talk things through, like they should have done before. Tony talks about his reasoning behind signing the Accords; he needed to take responsibility for the damage they'd done on Avengers missions. And yeah, he knew Ross was bad, but he had got him removed as soon as he had enough evidence, and he wouldn't be seeing the light of day until he was at least in his mid-70s.
And Steve explained his side. Bucky was the last connection to his past, the world he involuntarily left behind, he couldn’t let it go without a fight.
Natasha explains she was never against the Accords, it's just she knew Steve wasn't going to stop, and she didn't want anyone getting hurt.
Perhaps the most surprising thing is Wanda telling Tony about what she learnt in Wakanda, how she's worked on forgiving Tony, and doesn't blame him anymore.
The team is a lot better for it. They slowly become the close team they never were, bonding over movie nights and dinners.
Tony gets better; he's still a little more than too harsh on himself, after all recovery isn't linear, but now he's faced with the problem of Steven Grant Rogers, and his ever-growing feelings for him.
But the two of them get their friendship back on track, if you could have even called it that before. There's no way Tony is ruining this, he doesn't think he could take it a second time, so he doesn't say anything, simply content with the light touches and jokes exchanged.
And then Steve asks Tony out on a date, and he thinks it's a prank at first - he just can't quite believe that America's Golden Boy would actually like him, The Merchant of Death. It's like Steve can read his thoughts though. He assures Tony that he loves him for him, and he isn't the Merchant of Death anymore, hasn't been for a while. He's Iron Man, one of Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and more importantly, he's Tony Stark, creator of the arc reactor and so many other incredible things.
The first time Steve sees Tony's scars, Tony has the overwhelming urge to run away, hide in his lab and never come out. But Steve just kisses them with such tenderness that Tony almost cries.
Steve reminds him that he loves him, and Tony, deciding to ignore everything in the past, says it back. Steve's smile is bright enough to rival the sun, and for the first time in a while, Tony knows he'll be okay.
In the end, Tony loves Steve so much, and what's so different about this one is Steve loves him back, with the same ferocity, same passion, maybe even more. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough for Tony to learn to love himself too.