Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Alright, we're only here for one thing."

Such was what many unfortunate souls said when entering Costco, only to never be seen again.

This was what Philza Minecraft told his three boys as they walked into Costco for "just one thing".
He was planning on a quick in and out trip, just to get a carton of strawberries, but of course, when you have three insane children it's not usually that simple.

It might have been because Tommy insisted on getting a cart, or maybe because they were hungry, or maybe just because it was them, but the "quick Costco trip" was not as quick as Phil had hoped.

No sooner had they walked inside, than had Tommy seen a sample cart, and ran off to go get whatever food was being sampled. Wilbur followed, and before he knew it, Philza Minecraft had already lost two of his children to Costco.

"At least Techno's still here" he thought to himself, and indeed, Technoblade, ever the (mostly) good kid, was still there at the cart staring at where his two brothers had been seconds ago.

"Alright, let's get our groceries and get out of here, okay mate?" "Alright" Techno said, sounding bored, and Phil started pushing the cart, leading the way.

And so they were walking down the main aisle towards the refrigerator room to get their strawberries. "Making progress,at least" Philza thought.
It was then that Technoblade saw the potatoes. Bags and bags of them.

"Phil can we get some potatoes?"

Phil laughed and Techno could've sworn he heard a hint of nervousness in his laugh. "Sure mate, but maybe we should get them somewhere else, where the bags are less.... Costco sized?"

But Phil knew that he wasn't going to be getting out of Costco alive without Techno buying those potatoes. He didn't have time to argue with Techno though because out of (seemingly) nowhere Tommy and Wilbur were back, with a half a dozen samples piled into their arms

"Us big men raided every sample cart in the whole store"

Phil sighed. "Very nice Tommy"

"He had already gotten two samples from the mozzarella stick sample cart, but he wanted more so he insisted on forcing me to wait with him for the shift change so he could get two more" Wilbur leans against the cart.

Tommy straightens up a bit. "I have a strategy to get the maximum amount of samples"

Techno uses this distraction to load two massive bags of potatoes into the cart.

"Wait, are we actually buying that many potatoes?" Wilbur asked, staring at the cart in disbelief.

Phil looked over and sighed once again.

"Busted" Tommy says "Don't question me, mortal" Techno deadpanns.

"Okay, what did we even come here for in the first place?" Phil asks

"Oh, ho ho, he's getting old, he's losing his memory" Tommy hollers. Wilbur proceeded to elbow him in the ribs.

"Tommy can you remember what we came in here for?" Philza asks. He was met with silence, and then Wil and Techno laughing at Tommy.

If Tommy felt silly, he didn't show it. Instead, he started confidently walking down the aisle again before remembering that he had no idea where he was going.

"You lost mate?"

Will and Techno were laughing even harder now, and Phil was sure people were staring. He wanted to be annoyed at his sons for the chaos they caused, but all he could do was laugh too.

Finally, Wilbur stopped laughing enough to say that he had remembered why they came here, and that, yes it was indeed to get strawberries.

"Alright mates, let's get those strawberries and then get out of here. No more distractions."

"Wilbur, if you sit in the cart, I'll push you down the aisle really fast" Techno said suddenly.

Wilbur laughed. "Phil, don't mind us, we're just gonna take your cart for a joy ride. He swung himself into the cart, and Techno started pushing the cart down the aisle, running. When it had reached maximum speed he jumped up onto the cart so he was standing on the back. "TECHNOOOOPLAAANE" he yelled, as the cart flew down the aisle, with Wilbur holding onto his beanie and yelling.

"You're gonna hit someone!" Phil yelled after them, but it was really useless. Tommy snickered.

By some miracle, Techno and Wilbur didn't run anyone over and they made it to the refrigerator room. The cart slowed to a stop in front of it, with Tommy and Phil catching up, breathing hard from chasing after them.

"I thought-" he pauses to catch his breath. "I thought for sure you guys were gonna kill someone"

Wilbur smiles, swinging himself out of the cart. "You thought wrong. The Blade is very coordinated. Especially when it comes to driving shopping carts"

Techno leans against the cart. "He's right"

"Someone's gotta go get the strawberries." Phil says. They all hated being the one sent into the fridge room to retrieve fruit, or bagged salad or whatever.

Tommy, usually the one sent in to brave the cold, crossed his arms around himself. "I left my sweatshirt in the car. I volunteer Phil to go into the fridge room"

"I second the movement." Techno says

"Same" Wilbur says.

"You're not supposed to say 'Same' you're supposed to say 'I third the movement' you nerd" Techno says, grabbing Wilbur's beanie off his head and holding out of his reach.

"I volunteer as tribute" Phil says, and heads into the (very cold) fridge room.

"Na na na na" Wilbur starts, forgetting his beanie "Na na na na"

Techno and Tommy join in. "Ay ay ayyyy goooood byeee"

They all salute as Phil comes running out, strawberries in hand, shivering. "Alright, let's go, we got what we needed" Wilbur snatches his beanie back from Techno. Phil starts pushing the cart down towards the checkout, Wilbur, Tommy, and Technoblade following, with Wilbur and Tommy bickering about something stupid thay had happened at school that day, and who gets aux cord privileges in the car on the way home.

Phil was holding his breath, hoping that no one would get distracted again, and that they could make it safely out of Costco. He was praying they wouldn't run into a sample cart.

Of course it didn't work that way.

"Phil look they have microwave pho!"

"And pizza bagels" Techno added.

"Absolutely not. We don't need any of this." Phil said, and continued pushing the cart towards the checkout, refusing to give their pleas attention.

"Please, Phil?" Wilbur was holding a box of pizza bagels that can only be described as "Costco Sized"

He wanted to say no, and be a responsible parent. They had only came here for one thing after all.

"We totally don't need these......" he repeated. "But alright."

“Yesssss." Tommy proceeds to yell “POGGERS” loud enough for the whole store to hear, and Techno swings himself into the cart.

Wilbur and Tommy follow, with Phil yelling at them to make sure they don’t sit on the strawberries. Somehow they all fit in the cart, though Phil wonders how.

“Move big man, I don’t have enough room” Tommy says, elbowing Technoblade.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you Tommy”

Techno easily puts Tommy in a headlock, and Tommy squirms. Wilbur shoves his beanie down further, practically over his eyes. “I’m not getting involved here” he says, looking down at his pizza bagels. “Pizza bagels, my beloved”

“Okay, now to the checkout” Phil says, and that was how Philza Minecraft ended up pushing all three of his children in a grocery cart down the aisles of Costco.

They make it through the checkout line, by some miracle without any more chaos, and Phil decides that maybe they are going to be able to make it out of Costco alive.

And then, at that moment, all three of them spot the food court.

“PHIL CAN WE GET CHURROS-”