Chapter Text
It felt as if they were frozen there in time. And quite a sight it was. Almost like a scene painted by an artist and vividly brought to life. A tall figure, hat discarded, dressed in his trademark black overcoat, breeches and boots. Kneeling upright on the ground, not caring about the dirt or the slight pain the uneven stones caused to his knees. Humbling himself completely. His gaze fixed on the young woman in front of him, the carriage behind her, as she stood in front of him; grasping her hands tightly in his, like oxygen, trying to control his extreme emotions and erratic breathing.
In contrast, she exuded calmness and control, the feel of her hands transferring that energy to him, confirming to both of them that the connection they shared was far more than a fleeting one. It was as if they were indelibly entwined together – heart and soul. Forever. Their eyes were locked, like mirrors, reflecting back at each other the words and feelings which they had not been able to utter. Until now.
Up there on the Clifftops, surrounded only by the scenery and gulls flying overhead, as if they existed in a private world of their own. Both of them only focusing on the other, everything else had faded away – the carriage, the horses, the coachmen. If this was the only moment they would ever have, it needed to last them for an eternity.
**************************************************************************************************************************
Sidney was struggling to control the emotions that were raging unchecked through his body, heart and soul. Ever since the heartbreak he had inflicted on the woman currently standing in front of him, it had been constantly in his dreams and fantasies. Torturing him. Slowly. Of what he would say and do, if he should have a moment alone with her, where no-one would interrupt them. The words he would speak, telling her he was deeply sorry, begging forgiveness, pleading for her help. Anything to escape the living nightmare his life resembled. In his fantasies, he imagined kissing her, showing her the depth and sincerity of his regard. Then he saw them escaping together – Scotland maybe, followed by the Continent, maybe even further; leaving his family responsibilities behind. After all, his brother was a grown man, why should he get to be shielded from facing the colossal consequences of his reckless and inept behaviour. Was he, Sidney, to be forever in his brother’s debt? Had he not done enough to discharge it? The memory of an argument he had once had with Tom flashed up in his head – what was it he had said, in exasperation:
“Try living within your means!”
How he wished it were possible to turn back time, rewrite history. Because he knew what he would do! By God he did!!
But that particular dream could not be. He knew that and would never ask it of her. An elopement was deeply scandalous and would have implications for both of them. She deserved better. If nothing else, he at least wanted her to have no doubts. To know, completely and utterly, that his intentions had been honourable, that he had fully intended to ask for her hand and heart, to be beside him for the rest of their lives. What a beautiful future it would have been. Those dreams and fantasies had sustained him, kept him from giving in to despair too frequently in destructive ways. But now, faced with the reality of the moment, it struck him that his subconscious longings had not come remotely close to the actual experience, nothing he had imagined could have prepared him for it.
The feel of her bare hands in his again. This was everything he had ever dreamed of and more. Her beautiful skin. So soft, like silk, against the rough calluses of his own, which bore scars from indulging in fist fights. He wondered if she noticed. Or remembered. When he first held her hands directly like this, skin to skin. In the rowboat. That memory. So precious. And just like that, it ran through his head again. And he was powerless to prevent it.
*************************************************************************************************************************
FLASHBACK TO THE REGATTA
It had been a nightmare of a day, certainly not how he had hoped it would go. And all because his past had collided with his hopes for the future.
Sidney had spent some time in London after Mrs Maudsley’s Rout, with business matters to attend to and Tom had been most insistent that he needed to stay, to spread word concerning The Regatta and reconnect with ‘Dear Eliza.’ It was not what he wanted. When he looked up and saw her, he was utterly shocked - it was as if a ghost had intruded. Dancing with Charlotte had been like an out of body experience; he could feel joy bubbling up at her nearness and evident enjoyment and felt a lightness in his heart and soul that he could not ever remember feeling before. He had intended to express his absolute admiration for her, leave no doubts, after her earlier insecurity. As far as he was concerned, she was the most beautiful woman there – he had watched in rapt awe, as she descended the stairs at Bedford Place; he was enchanted. If only his brother had not been standing there, he would have complimented her wholeheartedly. The truth was that in that moment, he had wanted to keep her there with him. In fact, the thought that flashed through his head was that if she were Mrs Parker, they may not have even departed for that infernal Rout!
But the spell had been broken; after their magical dance, his brother (yet again!) had interrupted and he had found himself walking over to Mrs Campion, even though his mind was telling him to keep his distance. For a brief moment, he felt like he was a young man again, in thrall to her, but that soon disappeared. He glanced over to see Charlotte left alone on the dance floor, looking lost and he tried to think of an excuse to leave the conversation, if you could call it that. The woman from his past was speaking of such trivial matters, never once addressing the events that had led to their separation. He had been aware of her bereavement; it had been the talk of Society! But strangely, he had felt no desire to reconnect in the slightest and most recently, his dreams had been filled with a pair of sparkling chocolate brown eyes, long curly brown hair and a dimpled chin.
A suitable break in the conversation had given him the chance to take his leave, to which Mrs Campion had extracted a promise from him to call on her. By that point, he was desperate to find Charlotte again, but she had disappeared. Finally, he reconnected with Babington and Crowe, who informed him that she had returned to Bedford Place in the carriage, pleading tiredness and his heart sank. Sidney followed soon after, the servants confirmed that Miss Heywood had retired to bed. He ascended the stairs and stood outside her door, straining his ears for any sounds that she might still be awake, debating whether he should knock, even raising his hand to touch the door, but propriety decided him against that particular action and he reluctantly retired to his own chamber a floor above, where sleep eluded him for much of the night.
At breakfast the next day, she looked pale and would hardly look at him, even less speak to him. Tom had then decreed that he would return to Sanditon with the ladies and Sidney should stay behind. As the carriage pulled away, he felt as if a piece of his heart was leaving with it. All he could think of for the next few days was Charlotte, even when having tea with Mrs Campion – she really didn’t interest him anymore, but he knew her investment would potentially aid his brother, so he endured her company, more than he wanted.
Arriving back in Sanditon, a few days before the Regatta, he suddenly felt enlivened again, especially when he saw Charlotte at Mrs Griffiths’ residence. Their conversation afterwards gave him hope, indeed, he felt light-hearted, more like the man he used to be, with her by his side. After the Event had finished, he thought, he would endeavour to have a substantial conversation with her and express his intentions, request a courtship, if she seemed agreeable.
But his plans were ruined. Leaving The Crowne, he heard a silvery voice say his name and turned around; he saw to his horror that it was Mrs Campion, what on earth was she doing here?! Apparently, she had come to support him and expected him to stay by her side, immediately asking to reacquaint herself with his family and he found himself escorting her to Trafalgar House, praying with every cell in his body, that a certain young woman would not be there. But she was. When his excited nieces shouted about “the pretty lady”, he cringed inwardly. Then, he felt her presence lingering in the shadows and he glanced over at her. Seeing the expression on her face, when she saw him with Mrs Campion’s hand on his arm; he felt a physical pain and wanted to tell her that it was an illusion. His family didn’t help, with Tom’s insinuations and Mary’s pitying glances. He had hoped to spend time with Charlotte and now that was not possible.
It was as if the Universe wanted to torture him. Seeing her playing in the sand with the children, he only wanted to fling himself down next to her, rather than endure the woman he was desperate to escape prattling on inanely about Arab stallions! It really wasn’t the life he envisaged for himself, not one bit. But he kept reminding himself that her investment would help Tom immensely.
When Lady Worcester arrived and it was clear she was there for Charlotte, his admiration only increased, while Mrs Campion’s annoyance increased. He had an inkling that she may have recognised Charlotte from the London Rout and did everything he could to downplay who she was, although he nearly laughed out loud at the notion of her being a ‘sweet little thing’! By the time he saw Charlotte walk away with James Stringer, jealousy threatened to consume him; his patience was paper thin, especially when Tom continued to drop heavy hints; at least Arthur had some sense, more than he had credited him with previously.
Under the pretext of needing to prepare for the Boat Race, he walked in the same direction as Charlotte had done and came to where the boats were being moored. When he spied her there, looking so pure and angelic in her white dress, having discarded the blue spencer, his heart unaccountably soared and he approached her, discarding his coat and hat, unashamedly wanting her to see him. She was understandably wary, telling him she was preparing everything for the competitors and he quipped about not having rowed in years, although he realised it didn’t just apply to using oars. The fact that she seemed confident that he would rediscover the skill quickly gave him hope and the quote from Heraclitus came to mind – it shocked and invigorated him to hear her response, but of course, she would know that! Had she not proved that she was the most intelligent and courageous young woman he had ever encountered?! In that moment, Sidney realised that ‘the river’ was not referring to the woman from his past at all, but to him; what life did he want to choose – a superficial empty existence or one full of love and meaning? He felt he knew the answer, but how could he determine if Charlotte felt that connection too?
And then, there she was. Carrying the oars for him. He thanked her. She moved to walk away and he just had to keep her with him, it was more than a need, it was vital. So, he asked her to get in the boat, not daring to even look at her, trying to exude a confidence he did not feel. The relief he felt when she actually took his hand was so intense, that. he struggled to contain it and steadied her as she jumped into the boat and sat down opposite him. Charlotte was proved correct in her encouragement of him, rowing was clearly something you never forgot and the boat pulled smoothly through the water. It felt so right, having her here with him, the thought occurred that this was everything he wanted. She was not looking at him though, trailing her hand through the water but it meant he could freely admire her and admit that he had been attracted from the very start. But then, that was not enough. He wanted her attention. And so, he asked her a question.
“Do I deserve happiness?”
He wasn’t sure if she understood. It was not Mrs Campion he was referring to. But another woman altogether. But did he really deserve her? She had broken through all his defences, chipped away relentlessly, until he could no longer deny the spark he felt in her presence. The guilt and self-loathing he lived with deep within made him hesitant to accept any chance of happiness in his life. But something had stirred within him, it made him clutch at the tiniest chance that this incredible and beautiful young woman might look on him favourably.
And of course, she had the answer.
“I don’t believe anyone is unsuited for Matrimony. Even You.”
That made him smile. How he loved her wit!
She seemed to pause and take a breath, before continuing.
“It’s simply a matter of compatibility.”
How was she so wise, his foolish accusations on the Balcony reverberated in his head
‘naïve and inexperienced!’
He wished with every part of his being, that he could take them back. It was all so simple. With Charlotte, he felt like himself, the man he kept hidden from the world. She was his home. He had to touch her. And so, he requested she take the oars, placing his hands on hers, to guide her. The connection he felt was instant and exhilarating, thrilling him beyond anything he had had ever experienced, with their bare hands touching. It sent a thrill through every nerve ending. When they had danced, her golden gloves had been the only barrier between their hands touching and he had longed to remove them. How he would give anything to be able to hold her hands like this for the rest of his life, they fit so perfectly together, it was a symbol of everything he felt in her presence. The only problem was it made him want more, much more.
He used his strength to help her control the oars and then, he took a liberty, but he just couldn’t resist, the attraction was just magnetic. Reaching out to adjust her posture – at least, that’s what he told himself, but really, he just wanted to touch her.
“Keep your back straight.”
And his hand rested briefly on her back before brushing over her hip and thigh and the side of her breast. He saw her reaction and looked away, permitting himself an embarrassed, cheeky smile. When he looked back, she was smiling at him and it was as if the sun itself had melted all his reserve away. In that moment, all he felt was pure, unadulterated happiness; the boat was now moving smoothly through the water, their expressions were locked, reflecting their inner feelings, the back and forth of the boat bringing them closer together and apart. He could feel the electricity between them building, becoming more intense; all he was aware of was her and how much he wanted to kiss her, powerless to prevent the pull towards her. He could not resist her tempting lips, which he had wanted to touch with his own for so long, it was going to happen, he was so close and then he would declare his intentions, beg her to agree to his Proposal, tell her of his deep feelings and pledge his eternal devotion. Even if it was highly scandalous, before even approaching her Father for permission.
But then, the moment was broken.
“SIDNEY!!”
It was like having a sheet of freezing iced water pour over him, shocking him out of the moment. The spell was broken. Their hands broke apart. Coming to his senses, he hastily stood up and acknowledged Mrs Campion, standing on the riverbank in the distance. What had he done?! Exposing Charlotte to the gaze of society – he berated himself for the lapse. Barely able to look at her now, he rowed in silence to the nearest embarkation point and she hastily jumped out, before he could assist her, mumbling her thanks and disappeared in a flash. Sidney felt numbed – could this day get any worse? He was truly cursed.
********************************************************************************************************************
A lone seagull squawked overhead and Sidney came to his senses, pushing the memory aside, brought back to the present, rather than reliving the past. He had always thought that simply holding her hands again, just one more time, would be enough, but that was another delusion. Kneeling there, fixated on her, he faced the simplicity of it all. There would never be enough, especially not if they were separated for eternity. The misery he had experienced, every single day and night, would only intensify; because this, in front of him, was Pure Love and he had never felt anything remotely close to it before, at any point in his life. Cauterising his heart before was possible, because those feelings had been a mirage. It had been infatuation, blinded by the appearance of outward beauty, being a callow young man back then. Sidney had met other men in the intervening years, who had married young and regretted it and he had actually realised Miss Stirling (as she was back then) had done him a favour with her choice, much as it had pained him at the time, but that, in hindsight, was his wounded pride.
But now, he knew there was nothing so intoxicating as inner beauty and he had found it, when least expected. Charlotte Heywood was a beautiful person, not just in her appearance but mind and soul as well. That was the reason he had fallen deeply in love with her, every single part of him was connected to her and that would never change, as long as he was still breathing, to the end of his days. He swore to himself that she deserved to hear this truth spoken now, dispelling all doubts, baring his soul to her.
Sidney gazed up at her, still waiting patiently, the emotions in her beautiful brown eyes mirrored his own, just as they did in that rowing boat. Silently communicating with him, trying to encourage him to speak, giving him courage to continue, that she was ready to listen and attempt to understand.
**********************************************************************************************************************
Time seemed to stand still for Charlotte in that moment. As they stood there, him kneeling, her standing, clasped hands, eyes locked. It seemed to ground him, ease his erratic breathing and emotions. She watched how the expression on his face changed: from profound anguish to disbelief to hope. It was impossible not to respond to the love for her in his eyes. She had hoped to give him the strength to persevere with the path of sacrifice and duty, but seeing his desperation, she could not steel herself to reject him again. Not when she loved him with all her heart and soul. And so, she waited patiently. His eyes seemed to glaze over, as if recalling a memory. Certainly, the joining of their bare hands reminded her of that time in the rowboat, infinitely precious and magical. She often dreamed of what might have occurred, if there had been no interruption. Just like on the dance floor at the London Rout. Both times, she had held her breath, anticipating a kiss, which would of course been entirely inappropriate. But oh, how she wished it had actually happened! That would most definitely have changed their path irrevocably.
The noise of a seagull overhead startled one of the horses, who neighed and chaffed at being held by the coachmen. Sidney was roused from his reverie and his attention was fixed on her again. But now, Charlotte felt anxious. They could easily be seen here, anyone could pass by, the coachmen must be questioning what was happening; the last thing they needed was any gossip of a Lovers’ Tryst on the Cliffs. Although she tried to stay calm, she could not help darting a glance in their direction and her anxiety increased when she saw them staring; a frown marring her expression. Even being inside the carriage together would be better, although that could also cause tongues to wag, if it was ever made known. Her tendency to put herself in certain situations these last few months would most definitely appal her parents and lead to certain demands being made, if they were ever to become aware. In fact, it was something of a miracle that no consequences had actually occurred, when she thought about it. The inclination to start tapping her foot was hard to resist, but she forced herself to wait just a little longer.
**********************************************************************************************************************
Sidney noticed that Charlotte was becoming apprehensive – her occasional glances in the direction of the horses, and the Coachmen. The realisation dawned on him that in these surroundings, they were at risk of causing unwanted attention – anyone could pass by and he could not put either of them in that situation. Out on the Clifftops like this, they were completely exposed, at the mercy of public scrutiny. It was imperative they have privacy, but not inside the carriage, that would not do. And so, he forced himself to rise to his feet, still grasping her hands, wincing slightly at the numbness in his knees, from kneeling on the stony ground, but the slight pain was no hardship, he would endure far worse for a lifetime with her. He felt the feeling returning to his limbs, like a reflection of the current situation – could it be that his life was about to take a turn for the better?
He gave her a tiny smile of reassurance and was relieved to see a glimmer in her own expression.
“Walk with me, Charlotte. Please. Not very far, I promise. But we will have more privacy in the place I am thinking of. Don’t worry about the Coachmen either, I will reward them well for their discretion in this.”
To his relief, she gave a slight nod of acceptance and placed her arm on his offered one.
Sidney looked towards the Coachmen and they looked at him expectantly.
“We won’t be long, please see to the horses. You will be rewarded for your service.”
As he expected, they nodded at him.
“Right you are, Sir. Take all the time you need. We won’t breathe a word.”
************************************************************************************************************************
Charlotte was startled when Sidney suddenly rose to his feet, she wondered if he had noticed her apprehension. He tried to hide the grimace as he stood and she hid her amusement – his knees must surely be numb she thought. Truly, she did not know what to expect. When he requested that she accompany him to a more private location, part of her cautioned against it, but what other choice did they have. It would be far better to discuss the situation away from scrutiny and she hoped the Coachmen could indeed be trusted. So, she gave her acceptance, nodding and placing her arm through his. After speaking to the men, Sidney led her away from the carriage, towards the Clifftops, occasionally glancing down at her and reassuring her with his gaze. How she had dreamed of those brown eyes of his looking at her so – she felt as if she was walking towards a new future and prayed with all her might that God would indeed grant them a miracle,
***********************************************************************************************************************
Sidney could scarcely believe this was happening -he was walking with the love of his life, who he had thought was forever lost to him. She had agreed to hear him, indeed she had requested that he tell her the truth of it all. Walking along the Clifftops together, the chance to lay it all out for her, to have a private discussion, it was all he had ever hoped for. Occasionally, he would glance down at her and she would meet his gaze, the trust in her eyes warming him and bringing his frozen hopes back to life.
He could not help but remember a similar occasion. Together on the Clifftops. The words and phrases ran through his mind. What a precious moment that had been – another memory that had played incessantly inside his head over the days and weeks since they had been separated. How he wished they could go back to that moment and he would leave her in no doubt at all of his intentions towards her, rather than waiting for the perfect moment. For a short time, he had felt like he was floating, tasting a slice of heaven, pure happiness. Believing in a Happy Ever After. With Her. How beautiful it would have been. But maybe, just maybe, it still could be. Or so he hoped. Desperately.
COMING NEXT:
*** Charlotte’s memories resurface, as Sidney leads her to a special location ***