Work Text:
The night was warm. The heat from the scorching day still lingered fresh on the soil of Puqi Village, and the air had a heaviness about it that seeped into lungs and leadened limbs. Hua Cheng and Xie Lian had spent the day in the fields planting rice with the villagers, and now that night had fallen, they retreated to Xie Lian’s shrine for respite.
In the privacy of the shrine, Hua Cheng had shifted from his teenage form into his true form, casually forgoing his vambraces and outer robe in favour of the coolness of the evening breeze. Xie Lian had followed suit, his own outer robe neatly folded on the mat next to Hua Cheng’s after they had taken turns to freshen up.
They ended up sitting on the steps of Puqi Shrine; it was still too early to retire to bed, so they shared a pot of tea and a bowl of sunflower seeds between them, gazing at the stars. Xie Lian leaned back on his hands and sighed contentedly.
It was nice spending time with Hua Cheng like this - a precious little interlude between the adventures they’d inevitably find themselves embroiled in, and Xie Lian idly wondered how much longer they had before the tentative peace was once again broken. As much as he didn’t want to admit, the whole incident with Black Water had shook him more than he let on, and he was glad they finally had a little down time.
Hua Cheng must have his own responsibilities, yet Xie Lian found it endlessly endearing that he'd drop everything in his city to play at being farmers with Xie Lian. He liked it like this, when there was no God and no Ghost King - just the two of them, and a comfortable companionship under the night sky. It made his belly squirm with happiness and a yet unnamed emotion that Xie Lian tried his best to wilfully ignore. Time was a funny thing when you’re immortal; centuries could blink by in an instant, one day indiscernible from the next, and then there were moments like these - Xie Lian wanted to wrap it up and hide it in the deepest recesses of his heart, to savour and look back upon in fondness. He had gathered so little of them through the centuries, after all.
Across him, the sharp profile of his companion drew his gaze, and Xie Lian couldn’t help sneak a few lingering looks. He knew that Hua Cheng was objectively handsome, but there was something else about his companion that drew his attention and kept it there - an undeniable magnetism and familiarity that kept Xie Lian wanting more. Hua Cheng caught on after a while, but he only smiled back, making Xie Lian’s heart pound a little harder. Still, he said nothing - indulgent as always to Xie Lian’s strange ways. Something about Hua Cheng made Xie Lian’s tired heart warm, and his presence made him crave permanence.
Xie Lian brushed away those thoughts and busied himself with sipping from his chipped clay teacup, savouring the bitterness from tea leaves that have steeped for far too long. He favoured the strong taste, though most guests he served it to would have wrinkled their noses and left their cups untouched. Not Hua Cheng, though. Hua Cheng always seemed happy with whatever monstrosity Xie Lian served him.
It was Hua Cheng’s unusual reaction to the tea that made Xie Lian realise that something wasn’t quite right. They had lapped into a comfortable silence, just enjoying each other's presence when Xie Lian noticed that Hua Cheng was shifting his weight, toying idly with his tea cup, never quite drawing a sip. Then he picked at the sunflower seeds in the bowl, rolling them between his fingers until they flaked and crumbled. He fiddled with the thin braid he always wore, before letting it go and picking at the hem of his robe instead. He was usually so confident and comfortable with himself that it took Xie Lian quite a while before he recognised it for what it was - Hua Cheng was uneasy.
“San Lang? What’s on your mind?” Xie Lian asked, after noticing Hua Cheng was adjusting the edges of his eye patch, “You seem... bothered about something.”
Hua Cheng looked surprised for a moment, before slipping on a smile. “I can’t hide anything from Gege, can I?”
Xie Lian laughed lightly. “I’m sure you definitely could if you really wanted to.”
Hua Cheng winced and looked crestfallen for a second, and it suddenly dawned on Xie Lian how it sounded. He waved his hands in panic, “I didn’t mean it that way, San Lang! I mean I’m glad you are comfortable enough to show me this side of you, truly! If this is about what happened with Black Water... I mean, San Lang isn’t obligated to me at all! You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to!”
Hua Cheng only seemed to wilt further at his response.
“This one apologises,” Hua Cheng bemoaned, looking truly chastised, and it took all of Xie Lian’s restraint to not crumble under that look. “Does Your Highness blame me? For not telling him about Black Water’s plans?”
Xie Lian laid a reassuring hand on Hua Cheng’s shoulder. “Of course not, San Lang! We spoke about this, didn't we? I’m sure you had your reasons, and your arrangement with Black Water must’ve been centuries in the making. Whatever your reasons may be, I don’t blame you for it at all.”
“You don’t resent me for letting it happen?” Hua Cheng said, curling ever so slightly into himself, “I could’ve stopped him.”
Xie Lian placed both hands on Hua Cheng’s shoulders and turned him around so he could look into his eyes and see the truth in them. “Believe me, San Lang. I trust you, and I trust your reasons behind letting it happen. I’ve never blamed you for keeping things from me. San Lang is entitled to his secrets, and I’m honoured if you share them with me, but I won’t ever blame you for not doing so. So don’t worry about it anymore, okay?”
Hua Cheng blinked, uncertainty shining in his eyes until Xie Lian drew his hands into his own and squeezed them.
"San Lang trusts this Gege, right? I wouldn't want you to go to war with another calamity over heavenly matters. Besides, I think San Lang is allowed to help his friend too."
Hua Cheng wrinkled his nose in disdain. "We're not friends."
"And yet he gave you a tremendous amount of face at every step of the way, despite my insistence on meddling, and let you protect me." Xie Lian argued.
Hua Cheng’s protests died on his lips as a series of complicated expressions made their way across his face. Then he shrugged. “He has to. He owes me a lot of money, after all. That, and I feed his stupid fishes.”
Xie Lian laughed. “Sure, absolutely not friends at all, let’s go with that. But you believe me now don’t you, San Lang? I could never be mad at you for this.”
Hua Cheng looked helpless in the face of Xie Lian’s sincerity, and he huffed a tiny laugh that sounded more like relief than amusement. “Your Highness has always been too kind.”
Xie Lian’s smile turned strained and he shook his head, withdrawing his hands to fold them on his lap. He felt unmoored, uncharacteristically disoriented by a simple, sincere compliment. He knew people thought of him as well-meaning and kind, even if he brought misfortune everywhere he went. But there was a darkness within him that no one knew about, and no amount of pretending it didn’t exist would make it go away. Xie Lian had tried to for centuries, and he was so, so tired.
He stared into the night sky, trying to find the right words to give life to the swirling emptiness he had felt since they had returned from Black Water’s Manor. It had dogged his steps since he emerged from the murky waters, the unpleasant feeling clawing its way down his throat, tightening it and sitting heavily on his gut.
In truth, the whole incident had left Xie Lian feeling bereft. It wasn’t just that he felt indignant on behalf of Shi Qingxuan - to have his whole world torn apart from under his feet, finding out his supposed best friend wasn’t who he seemed to be, watching his brother murdered before his very eyes, and losing his godhood on top of that...
Xie Lian was no stranger to that kind of pain. Shi Qingxuan did not deserve it.
But to have your every fibre burn with thoughts of vengeance and let it consume your mind because everything you loved had been cruelly taken from you... Xie Lian was no stranger to that either.
How was he any different from Black Water?
Hua Cheng inched forward ever so slightly, head tilted in curiosity over Xie Lian’s sudden silence. His gaze bore into him. "Pray Gege share with this San Lang what's gotten him pensive?"
Xie Lian swallowed hard, the bitter taste of grief on his tongue and shame burning hot at the back of his neck. He closed his eyes instead, wondering how it’ll feel to share these burdens with someone.
Would it lessen the weight he carried in his heart? Would anything ever? Xie Lian had lived 800 years alone with his regrets, but now Hua Cheng was here, reaching out and eager to listen, and Xie Lian wanted nothing more than to lay his heart bare. Xie Lian had grown so used to solitude that he didn’t know what to do.
He wondered if Hua Cheng would see him differently if he knew about his past. He was nothing but cruel and spiteful, and only one person had ever seen him sink that low, and that person was long gone.
Xie Lian’s heart clenched at that thought of him.
He opened his eyes and began slowly. “If I’m to be honest, I’m far from kind, San Lang. I just... I just understand why Black Water was so mad. I’m not saying what he did was right, especially what he did to Shi Qingxuan, but I understand why his grief drove him to madness. Shi Wudu robbed him of everything. Vengeance can be a powerful driving force for any man, and much more so for a ghost. I... I can understand why it drove him to become a Supreme.”
“Not all ghosts carry on because of vengeance, Your Highness,” Hua Cheng said, a strange glint in his eye.
“Oh?” Xie Lian asked, curiosity piqued, “What other reasons are there?”
“Who knows? Ghosts were people once too, and people are complicated. I’ve met a fool who lingered for one more taste of his favourite meat dish. I’ve met one who was obsessed with existing for all eternity, lingering out of pure spite to outlive everyone and everything.” Hua Cheng paused, and his gaze turned soft, “It’s rare, but I’ve also known those that lingered for love.”
“Love, huh,” Xie Lian said, feeling strange at how the word rolled off his tongue. “They must be very brave to do so.”
“Or very foolish,” Hua Cheng responded with a wry smile.
“Did you linger for love, San Lang?” Xie Lian asked, only realising the question had left his lips before his brain could process it. He flushed, embarrassed at his boldness.
Hua Cheng kept his gaze trained on the full moon in the sky instead. “Perhaps,” he answered softly, and somehow, Xie Lian knew he wouldn’t get any more out of him.
“What about Gege? Has Gege ever been in love?” Hua Cheng asked in turn, and Xie Lian found himself floundering.
Love. Xie Lian had carefully scooped out all thoughts of love for centuries, keeping them locked deep in his heart.
Like the small, white flower that he tucked into his robe next to his heart years and years ago, long crumbled into dust, leaving nothing but a smudge on white robes that were long decayed.
Don’t think about it, Xie Lian thought, blinking back tears that threatened to spill. Unconsciously, his hand drifted to the cursed shackle around his ankle and brushed it gently.
“Gege?” Hua Cheng asked.
Xie Lian actively shook himself out of his thoughts. “Sorry San Lang, I just... I was remembering something from a long time ago...”
“Was Gege thinking about... a lover?” Hua Cheng pressed, his voice smaller than usual.
It was Xie Lian’s turn to wince, turning away to hide his anguish. In his mind he saw the image of a black-clad warrior, his last believer, dropping on one knee with a hand over his heart and his head bowed in servitude. He saw how cruel he had been, crushing the white flower underneath his foot, trampling on his last believer’s faith.
He heard the soul-crushing scream - the last sound he’d ever heard from him - piercing through the roar of resentful souls as he took the curse upon himself to pay for Xie Lian’s madness, to pay for Xie Lian’s sins.
Perhaps plenty of people could speak of love. But not Xie Lian.
“To be honest I don’t think I deserve love, San Lang,” Xie Lian said.
Hua Cheng stiffened, then bristled in indignance. “Whoever made you feel that way, just say the word Your Highness, I’ll make them rue the day they were born.”
“It’s not their fault if it’s true,” Xie Lian whispered, hugging his knees close to his chest, “But it’s been so many years. He’s long gone now.”
Hua Cheng’s fingers had curled into fists next to him, shaking minutely. He took a breath as though to steady himself and asked, “Your Highness was in love?”
Xie Lian had never dared admit it out loud, but with Hua Cheng, he felt like his secret was safe. So he nodded, just once.
“It was a long time ago,” Xie Lian said, “And I don’t think I understood it at that time. But yes, I think I was in love once.”
Hua Cheng was quiet for a long while. Then as though he couldn’t help himself, he asked, “What was he like?”
“Brave,” Xie Lian answered easily, “Devoted. I’d never met someone so loyal, even if it bordered on being foolish. I don’t know why he chose me, and it’s my fault entirely that he met an untimely end. I was the reason why he died.”
Hua Cheng’s face was grim, but he nodded for Xie Lian to go on.
Xie Lian took a deep breath for courage before he continued. “I’ve never told anyone this before. It’s been so long, and it’s still hard for me to talk about. But he deserves to be remembered.”
"It's... not so easy to untangle what happened then and how I felt. I wasn't in the right state of mind at that time. So many things had gone wrong, and I was consumed with anger, with hate. And in the aftermath of everything... I had thought I carried him in my heart because of guilt, or as penance, but as time went by I missed him, San Lang. I missed the little gifts he'd leave me, so heartfelt and sincere. I missed his assuring presence when I thought all I had was my grief and my madness. I... I thought it might've been just an unhealthy dependency because I was so lonely after everything but...”
Xie Lian paused to take a shuddering breath. “No, I sealed away all my luck and took a second shackle as penance because I loved him and I killed him and nothing can make up for it.”
He raised his palms and pressed them against his eyes, willing himself not to cry. Admitting this aloud took a lot out of him, and he felt wrung out and vulnerable, frayed at the edges. Despite it being his deepest shame, Xie Lian wanted so badly for someone to know him, to see the gilded once-prince, to see the dark and flawed parts of him and still accept him anyway. With this admission, would his companion still think him worthy of his time?
Xie Lian chanced a look at Hua Cheng to see how he would react.
Hua Cheng had a faraway look about him, like he was thinking about something that happened a long, long time ago. Then Hua Cheng realised that Xie Lian was staring at him and turned to face him, hiding the inexplicably sad look on his face.
“Tell me more about him, Gege.”
Xie Lian wasn’t sure why Hua Cheng was so invested in his love life long past, but perhaps getting it off his chest after so many centuries was what Xie Lian needed. He considered what to say, picking at his fingers nervously until they bled, until Hua Cheng took his hands in his own. A gentle wave of spiritual energy passed from palm to palm, and his skin knitted itself back on cue.
“Gege doesn’t have to share if he isn’t comfortable. But if what he needs is a listening ear, this San Lang has two and all the time in the world.”
Xie Lian huffed in amusement, tightening his fingers around Hua Cheng’s. “It’s not a good story.”
“I want to share Gege’s burdens, if he’ll have me. Whatever it is, it happened a long time ago, and I’m here to help you unpack that.” Hua Cheng’s gaze was of utmost sincerity.
Xie Lian held the gaze, then nodded lightly. “He... saw me when I was at my lowest. Just like Black Water, I was mad with fury. I wanted justice done. I wanted to hurt the people who had hurt me. I... I wanted to burn the world.”
Hua Cheng nodded sympathetically, squeezing Xie Lian’s hands to let him know he was listening. So Xie Lian continued.
“Still, he stuck by my side and never left, and he always tried his best to do little things to take care of me. He was there for me when everyone I cared about had left. I didn’t understand him at that time, paranoid and suspicious as I was, so I was cruel to him. I did things I’m not proud of, and because of my actions, because he wanted to protect me... his soul was dispersed. I never once saw his face behind his smiling mask. I never even bothered learning his name. I just called him Wu Ming.”
Hua Cheng had been gently brushing his thumb along Xie Lian’s knuckles, but at that, he suddenly became very, very still. His eye widened, and Xie Lian realised that he had stopped pretending to breathe altogether.
“San Lang?” Xie Lian asked, “Are you alright?”
Hua Cheng tried to restart his breathing but coughed hard, one fist pounding against his chest as he raised the other to wave weakly at him, as though to say he was fine.
Xie Lian's brow furrowed in worry. "Are you quite sure you're okay?"
Hua Cheng's face was red with exertion (could ghosts even get red-faced?), but he nodded weakly.
“Please,” Hua Cheng croaked out, “Please continue, Gege.”
Xie Lian patted his back gently, but nodded to continue. “Alright, alright, if San Lang wants to hear. I’m ashamed to say I don’t know much about Wu Ming at all. I know him to be a Xian Le soldier, and I know he died in my war. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve his faith, but he found me at my lowest and chose to serve me even in death. And still, I brought nothing but harm. He... he sacrificed himself for me. To fix my mistake. It should’ve been me, San Lang. I should’ve been the one torn apart by resentful spirits. Some nights when I close my eyes I can still hear his anguished screams. He didn’t deserve what happened to him.”
“Perhaps,” Hua Cheng said slowly, his voice hoarse and small, “Perhaps he was honoured to die for Your Highness, to be of service to his god.”
“I didn’t want him to die for me,” Xie Lian found himself raising his voice, enraged, “I wanted him safe! I ordered him away so he could stay far away from this stupid, cursed god! I only bring ruin, San Lang. Everything I touch, misfortune befalls it. How could I carry on knowing what I had done to him? That I killed him?!”
Xie Lian was suddenly aware of the tears streaking down his face before he could even think about holding them back. He raised his sleeves and scrubbed angrily at his face, furious at himself.
For the first time since Xie Lian met him, Hua Cheng looked utterly lost. It lasted only a moment before he carefully schooled his features back into normalcy, and then he took Xie Lian’s hands back into his own.
“Gege, listen to me, please. This humble San Lang knows it’s been hard all these years. But hear me out.”
Hua Cheng waited patiently while Xie Lian composed himself, till he was no longer shaking. He even raised his sleeve to dab at Xie Lian’s cheeks, and Xie Lian couldn’t help the thump of his heart as he did so.
“Remember what I told you about the greatest suffering in the world?” Hua Cheng asked, his touch as gentle as his voice, “To watch your beloved be trampled and humiliated and not be able to lift a damned finger to help?”
Xie Lian nodded.
Hua Cheng continued, “If this... Wu Ming loved you like you, him, then he would’ve been proud he protected you. He would never have blamed you. He would’ve been happy that you lived, unharmed.”
Xie Lian let out a self-deprecating laugh. “That’s where you’re wrong, San Lang. He had a beloved. He told me himself, he had a beloved who suffered in my war. I’m a cursed god, I caused his beloved to suffer and I dispersed the soul of the one I loved.”
Hua Cheng’s face grew grim at this notion and shook his head vehemently, grasping at Xie Lian’s shoulders, “This one disagrees, Your Highness. No one sacrifices himself just for a god. Humans are fickle, while gods are aplenty, and you know more than anyone that their faith wavers based on the blessings they receive. This ghost genuinely cared for you, and must’ve loved you dearly to have gladly given his life like this.”
“He gave his life so that you could live, Gege. So that you could be here now with me, enjoying the night breeze, reliving memories of eons long past. Every step you’ve taken in your journey here has not been in vain - it’s a gift, given willingly from someone who loved you, who wanted to keep you safe. He wanted it enough to give his life for it.”
Xie Lian’s head spun as he shuddered against Hua Cheng’s grip. “He... loved me? Wu Ming loved me?”
Hua Cheng’s gaze was soft as he folded Xie Lian into his arms, bundling Xie Lian against his chest. “Yes, Your Highness. I'm sure of it. I’m often right about these things you know, being the authority on ghosts and all. Trust me.”
Xie Lian could only let out a small huff, pliant in Hua Cheng’s hold. He didn’t know how it was possible for someone to sound so flippant yet utterly sincere in the same breath. Hua Cheng’s touch was cold, yet Xie Lian had never felt anything but warm with him. He burrowed deeper into his companion’s arms.
“San Lang?” Xie Lian asked.
“Hmm?” came the soft rumble against his cheek.
Xie Lian had to know. “Do you think I truly loved him? Or did I carry this and allow myself to think so because of the guilt?”
Hua Cheng’s hands tightened around Xie Lian’s shoulders. “I don’t know, Gege. I’m not an authority on gods after all. Even if it had been love... It’s been centuries, and memories are often coloured by nostalgia. If you ask me, I think he definitely is undeserving of your lingering affections. Now don’t berate me, Gege, you asked for my opinion after all. But Gege’s free to do what he wants with his heart, even if it’s to seal it away for someone long gone.”
They both fell silent for a while before Hua Cheng asked, “What would you do, Gege? If you had the chance to meet Wu Ming again?”
Xie Lian pondered the possibilities. He had often wondered about this, early on after his second banishment, but this train of thought always left him maudlin. He pulled away from Hua Cheng, wrapping his arms around his knees again.
“I think,” Xie Lian eventually said, “I would be too ashamed to ever face him again. I owe him too much.”
“I think I would stay away from him. I’m the god of misfortune after all, aren’t I? The only way I can offer him protection is to stay far away from him. And if that’s the only thing I can offer him as a god, then I’d gladly do so.”
“But as a man?” Hua Cheng probed. “I could lend you some of my luck, you won’t have to worry about misfortune befalling. Would you be happy?”
“As a man?” Xie Lian found the notion amusing, “Who would want this old, washed up me? I don’t have anything to offer anyone. San Lang must be jesting.”
Hua Cheng looked like he was about to argue when Xie Lian put his palm up.
“I know you’re going to disagree, but please San Lang. Let’s both agree to disagree on this. I don’t have anything to offer anyone anymore. What is my heart even worth? Wu Ming is gone. I can’t change that. Why dwell on these things when I’m a god with no followers to his name, no merits, not even a home that doesn’t have a leaking roof? I’m better off worrying about maintaining my shrine, helping the villagers, and about the next warm meal I’ll get.”
“As for my heart...” Xie Lian sighed, “I’m old and I’m tired, San Lang. Who would choose to love someone like me? Love is for those who are unafraid, and I just don’t have the courage anymore. I don’t think I can survive a second time.”
Hua Cheng’s eye shone with an unspoken vulnerability, and for one wild moment Xie Lian thought he spied the tiniest flicker of his gaze on Xie Lian’s lips. Hua Cheng took a breath as though he was about to say something, but he swallowed his next words instead and tore his gaze away, humming thoughtfully.
Xie Lian knew that look. He knew he sported it himself sometimes, looking at Hua Cheng like this.
He thought about the times where his heart had raced, had thumped in longing, had wanted and wanted so badly it felt as though it was about to jump out of his chest. He wasn’t ignorant of how he felt - just extremely stubborn, unwilling to face the truth of it.
He knew how Hua Cheng made him feel, yet he was terrified of letting himself be vulnerable. Xie Lian didn’t know how - time has only made him weary, and he was long accustomed to people leaving. Xie Lian didn’t know how he would carry on when Hua Cheng would eventually tire of him and leave, like everyone was wont to do.
Despite how enamoured Hua Cheng seemed to be with him now, Hua Cheng had a beloved, and it was only a matter of time before he won them over. And when that happens, Xie Lian would have to congratulate him with a smile on his face even if it meant picking up the pieces of his own bleeding heart.
He looked away, fingers clenching hard under his billowing sleeve. No, it was safer to just lock away these feelings and deny them with every breath.
“You’re braver than you think, Gege.” Hua Cheng said eventually, “And you deserve love, no matter how much it feels like you don’t. What matters is you, and not the state of you, remember? One day, Gege will find the love you deserve, and until then, this San Lang will be here to remind him that he’s more than deserving."
Xie Lian smiled weakly in response. Hua Cheng had no idea the effect he had on his old, tired heart. Perhaps, Xie Lian’s traitorous heart thought, it was okay to fall if Hua Cheng was there to catch him.
“If you say so, San Lang,” was what he said instead. “And I’ll be here rooting for San Lang to find his heart’s desire too.”
Hua Cheng placed a hand to his chest, lowering his head in reverence, before a small smile dusted his lips. He seemed deep in thought, yet something about that gesture made Xie Lian’s head reel with familiarity.
“I already have everything I need,” Hua Cheng said, breaking Xie Lian out of his reverie, “I have more than enough to be thankful for these days. But I’m a greedy ghost by nature, so I hope you’re right, Gege. I do hope I find it, no matter how impossible it seems.”
Hua Cheng stood up, dusting his robes off gently as he held out a hand for Xie Lian, a silent request to put the conversation to rest.
“I’m tired, Gege. It’s been a long day. Shall we retire to bed?” Hua Cheng asked.
Xie Lian’s heart felt infinitely lighter as he reached out to take his hand.
“En. Let’s go to bed, San Lang.”