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The ride back from Shiganshina had been silent for everyone. The few that remained were either severely injured or in way too much of a shock to say anything. Levi was somehow unscathed, but that luck had gotten him tasked with leading the way. And no, he was not about to chalk that one up to being ‘humanity’s strongest’, even if everyone else chose to believe that. No amount of skill had saved him this time. He was just lucky.
It was fine, he told himself.
They'd go back, fill in their reports, let the infirmary tend to those who needed it. Routine was good, routine was safe, routine allowed him to think about what needed to be done instead of whatever his head could threaten him with.
It was fine.
They were almost there, all that was left was for them to get themselves off their horses, carry the supplies and equipment inside, and they'd be able to rest. They deserved to rest.
He deserved to rest.
Erwin.
It was not fine.
Realization hit Levi like a boulder through the stomach. Their Commander, his Commander, his voice ringing out into the field, growing distant as he flew through the air towards the Beast Titan. That was the last he'd ever hear from him. And-
Give up on your dreams and die.
Why had he allowed him? Why had he agreed to give up the one thing that mattered to him more than humanity's victory? Why hadn't he brought him back instead of Armin?
It was his fault. It had been up to him, and he had chosen wrong, hadn’t he?
Levi's head had begun to spin uncontrollably. When had he started walking? Someone was calling for him, but he couldn't hear them. He was lost in the void, with no thoughts, no future, no hope, no way of stopping. He would have asked for advice, he would have looked inside those very blue eyes and they would have instantly assured Levi that everything was going to be okay. It would have been so much easier, but-
Erwin was dead.
He screamed.
He screamed, and screamed, and screamed. At some point, his knees fell to the ground, right outside the training grounds. His hands, his face, his uniform, everything was soaked in what was no longer identifiable as blood, sweat or tears. Not like it mattered, anyway. Erwin was gone, and he was not coming back.
The Captain felt a trembling hand on his back. He didn't have to look to know who it was. Nobody else could have possibly understood what he was going through. Nobody but Hange, who, on top of it all, had ended up severely injured, traveling in the back of a makeshift wagon. They were stronger than him. One of the kids must have helped them up, he reckoned. Without a word, he stood up to let them lean on him, and they led the way back inside. Deep down, he was grateful for them.
The silence was only broken after they both had washed up and dressed in cleaner clothes.
"Tough shoes to fill."
"Yes, they are."
"Hange, I-" Levi's voice got stuck in his throat.
Surprisingly enough, they were smiling. He didn't think it was possible for someone to be able to, after everything they’d gone through. Yet again, Levi suspected, if anyone could, it would have been them.
"It's okay" they said, and what followed was enough to make his heart stop racing inside, at least for a minute. "I don't think he expects us to, yet."
And Levi had never been more certain that he'd always be watched over.
Idiot,
It was up to them now. Erwin had known it and trusted them. And Erwin was never wrong.
-you'll have to wait for me.