Chapter Text
Breakups are never easy. Most likely anyone who went through an experience like that can admit that they’re actually really fucking hard.
They’re even harder when the breakup happens for no good reason. No cheating. No lying. No boredom or wanting to explore. When there’s no anger to get over then how can you even move forward?
They’re even harder when you still love someone and when you think you always will love them, it just feels like it’s physically impossible. How can you justify why you’re no longer together?
Taehyung unfortunately has to admit he even tried to do some research.
“How long does it take to get over a breakup?”
11 weeks. 4 months. 1,5 years.
Not very helpful. It feels like yesterday, but it’s actually really close to the two year mark of the day Taehyung’s heart broke into thousands of tiny little pieces. So no, 1,5 years isn’t accurate. And it doesn’t feel like after two years he’s come any closer to letting Jungkook go. How could he ever?
But Taehyung had to understand. Jungkook deserved to put himself first. He deserved to chase his dreams and move on from his overprotective and maybe at times suffocating lover. So when the day that Jungkook broke the news came he only showed his support. No anger, no questions, he didn’t even try to change Jungkook’s mind. He deserved to make his own decision without Taehyung’s input, that could’ve made him second guess himself.
Taehyung always put Jungkook first and Jungkook did the same in return, but that was the moment they both realised it’s not right.
Jungkook moved out of their shared apartment and left Seoul soon after that. He received an amazing job offer in Barcelona. Of course, his talented baby did. If there was someone deserving of all the best things, Taehyung was sure it was his boyfriend.
Well, now ex-boyfriend.
While doing his “breakup research” Taehyung also found an article on how to move on. Embarrassing, he knows. But one point on the list said to always accept social invitations.
In the beginning he wasn’t able to leave his apartment, cancelling on his friends and avoiding any interactions. Reliving all the memories he created with his lover at their home.
Well, now his home.
But obviously, that did nothing to help. So when he receives a message from Seokjin about the birthday party he wants to throw for his fiance and one of Taehyung’s best friends, Namjoon, the advice comes back to his mind and he replies with a short ‘I’ll be there hyung’.
It sounds like a good idea. He wants to be there, celebrating with his hyungs. A little alcohol can’t hurt him either. It made sense, just like it was said in the article. He’s going to go and he’s going to have fun.
Later in the evening, when he’s getting ready, he realises he even puts more care into picking his outfit, almost like making himself look good will help him feel like that as well. He chooses his best silky, loose black and white shirt, new black pants he bought not so long ago and to finish the look he pushes his black wavy locks with a headband, leaving his forehead bare. Someone used to really like it when he did that.
Getting rid of that intrusive thought popping into his head, he grabs his jacket and orders an uber to his hyung’s place.
An hour into the party he thinks to himself that he’s glad he decided to come. His friends are welcoming, almost like he wasn’t dismissive of them for a better part of these last two years. But they were always understanding and right now, talking to Yoongi he feels himself tearing up a little.
“I’m glad work is going well. And that you finally came out of your apartment. It actually feels like you’re back Tae,” his hyung’s hand is grabbing his shoulder tightly, like he wants to make Taehyung feel what he’s trying to say. And he does. “I hope you’re only going to feel better from now on. You know we’re always there for you.”
And if one tear lands on Taehyung’s cheek and slowly makes its way to his chin, no one says nothing else. He knows Yoongi understands, because he just swipes his thumb over the tear track and pulls Taehyung into a tight hug.
Taehyung feels there’s less weight on his shoulders and the pressure in his chest seems to feel less overwhelming.
He sees Jimin walk into the kitchen where they’re both standing, Taehyung still in his hyungs embrace, until Jimin clears his throat pretty loudly.
They both look at the man and for some reason, seeing Jimin’s expression makes the stress that just left him seconds ago, come back as quickly as it disappeared.
“Taetae, can we have a word?”
The confusion grows even more, because they talked less than ten minutes ago, before Taehyung joined Yoongi in the kitchen to fill their glasses.
“Sure? What is it Jiminah?”
“Before I tell you, just know that you’re free to leave and we will understand your decision. You don’t need to stay because you think we’ll get mad at you, we’re all happy you came,” there are a thousand thoughts running in his head after these words leave Jimin’s mouth. Why would he want to leave? “Jungkook is back in Seoul. He just called and asked if we wanted to see him. Seokjin said he’s free to join us.”
Oh.
Now it makes more sense.
Everything seems to be still for a minute or two, it’s silent besides the muffled laughs and music coming from the living room.
Does Taehyung want to leave? He spent so much time wishing he could see his baby again. It was his decision to cut contact, because he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to look at Jungkook knowing he’s happier without him or found someone else. He wanted him to be happier than he was and maybe even, for some twisted reason, he wanted him to find someone who will love him as much as Taehyung does, someone to take care of him, when it was no longer Taehyung’s job.
Will he find all these things out when Jungkook arrives? And will Taehyung be able to handle it?
So many questions are clouding his mind and maybe they’re clouding his judgement and ability to make right decisions. Because all the rationality leaves him the same moment his words leave his mouth.
“I think I’ll be okay, hyung. I’ll stay.”
“Are you sure?”
He’s not.
“I am.”
Jimin and Yoongi exchange looks that scream worry, but that’s just another thing added to the list Taehyung ignores. He finishes making his drink and leaves the kitchen. Not really sure what to expect when Hoseok, Namjoon and Seokjin see him, he heads back to the living room.
Pretty similar sight to the one in the kitchen welcomes him, worry and tight-lipped smiles, but he can see they’re trying to act like nothing is happening. It’s actually kind of funny, seeing all of them mirroring each other’s expressions.
His hyungs are obviously concerned, however he can’t help but let out a chuckle. He doesn’t want them to worry anymore.
“Yah! Who changed my playlist again? I swear, every single time I leave to make myself a drink or go for a smoke someone’s changing it!”
Yoongi and Jimin join them as well and everyone is looking a bit confused, not expecting Taehyung to act so nonchalantly, but luckily they decide to play along.
“You brat, it’s my birthday and you’re the one that’s changing it all the time!”
He can’t really deny it, when Namjoon yells back and cracks a wide smile. Seems like their bickering worked, because everyone goes back to being playful and enjoying themselves. They still are attentive to Taehyung’s reactions, but they don’t say anything else.
So when another hour passes Taehyung is almost able to forget about what’s about to happen. Emphasis on almost.
He’s on the balcony, having a smoke with Yoongi, when he hears a commotion back in the apartment. Happy cheers and laughs and Taehyung feels anxiety taking over him, but he tries as hard as he can to keep a straight face.
“I’m going to go say hi. Join us whenever you’re ready, okay?”
“Sure hyung, no worries. I’ll be right there.”
He flicked the cigarette in his hand over the railing, getting rid of the excessive ash and took another smoke. Even before he put out the one he had in his hand, he already started considering lighting another one, just to buy himself some more time.
As it turns out, there was no need, because someone was already joining him on the balcony. And if he wasn’t used to the smell of cigarettes, maybe he wouldn’t be able to pick out the fragrance he knew so well and loved so much.
“Hi hyung”, it wasn’t even more than a whisper, but it was loud enough for Taehyung to feel his heart break again. Maybe he overestimated his ability to act and pretend like nothing has ever happened. Like it wasn’t the love of his life, standing behind him. He hasn’t even seen him yet and if he turns around now there’s a big chance he will actually break down in front of everyone.
So he doesn’t. He doesn’t turn around, he doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t move a muscle. He just waits, wishing that maybe Jungkook will leave him and he’ll be able to take a breath. It feels like he’s running out of air.
“I… I’m sorry hyung, you probably don’t want to see me…”, the hurt in his voice only makes Taehyung feel worse. He immediately feels the need to comfort the younger. But he waits. “I asked hyungs if it was okay for me to come and they said yes, but I should’ve thought this through a bit more. I will leave now, I said hi to everyone already, so I’ll get out of your way.”
It’s more a reflex than a conscious decision, when Taehyung turns around and grabs Jungkook by his wrist. Because if it was a conscious decision he would regret it. He would scold himself for doing something he wasn’t ready for.
Before Taehyung met Jungkook and inevitably fell in love with him, he never knew it’s possible to feel so strongly about someone. He’s never felt happiness like that and he’s never experienced pain this big.
If it’s possible for a broken heart to break again, Taehyung thinks that’s exactly what is happening now.
The boy before him is as beautiful as ever, his delicate features are still breathtaking. His hair grew a bit and his eyes are squeezed shut, like he’s trying to stop the tears from falling.
Taehyung can’t help the urge of protectiveness coming over him and he puts his hands on Jungkook’s cheeks, gently running his thumbs over the smooth skin. He feels his own eyes watering, but if any tears fall, he doesn’t care.
“Hey, can you open your eyes for me?”
Jungkook chokes out a small “I can”, but nothing happens.
Taehyung feels endeared, like he always did, corners of his mouth lifting slightly. “Will you?”
“I don’t want to.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t deserve to cry in front of you,” Jungkook’s voice hints at what Taehyung will see if he decides to open his eyes.
“Why do you think that?” Taehyung himself can hear how gently his words come out and he hopes Jungkook can hear it too.
“I was the one who left. I shouldn’t be here hyung.”
“No, don’t say that. You should be here and I don’t want you to leave. I want you to have fun with everyone. You deserve to see your hyungs and spend time with them. I will leave but I don’t want you to feel bad about it, okay?”
Jungkook finally lets his eyes open and tears fall and Taehyung feels his confidence from before slowly leaving him. He needs to get out, unfortunately he’s made all the wrong decisions tonight, the biggest one being not leaving when he had the chance. But he knows he has to do it now, because if he’s forced to see the same hurt he feels inside on his love’s face, he won’t be able to keep his shit together.
He places a light kiss on Jungkook’s nose and caresses his cheeks for one more second before his hands fall down his sides and he leaves the balcony, the broken boy left there standing by himself.
He murmurs a short goodbye, guilt over all of his actions taking over him. He leaves his hyung’s birthday party, even though he promised to stay. He leaves his baby, clearly hurt, and Taehyung wants nothing more than to stay and be his support, but knowing he’s not the one supposed to do it, he can’t let himself believe that it’s any different.
Jungkook left because he didn’t want to depend on other people to be happy or make decisions. He wanted to grow and learn on his own. He wanted to learn how to deal with his problems, without someone else to solve them for him.
And Taehyung knows Jungkook’s no longer his and won’t be, he came to terms with it a long time ago, even if it’s not something he wants.
He knows Jungkook will leave again, as if he had any reason to stay anyway. He’s heard from his hyungs that Jungkook’s doing well, he's great at his job and met people that he can call friends. They never told him if Jungkook has someone, but Taehyung assumed they probably left this detail out, out of protectiveness.
His hyungs nod and say their goodbyes, so he takes his jacket from the hanger by the door and he’s gone.
His vision is blurry when he orders an uber back to his apartment, but he manages to put in his address and waits for his ride to come. Not even a minute passes when he realises someone is coming downstairs. Probably Yoongi wanted to cheer him up or offer to meet the next day, afraid Taehyung will try to distance himself again.
But to his surprise, it’s Jungkook standing next to him, his head down, not daring to look at Taehyung.
He doesn’t say anything, so Taehyung decides to try.
“I’m okay, Jungkook. I just don’t want to ruin the party with my sour mood,” Jungkook starts playing with his fingers, his nervous habit still the same. “You should go back, it’s cold and you’re not wearing a coat,” he says, his voice a bit more stern now. He just really wants to leave.
“I- Would you… Can I go with you?”
What?
“Jungkook, why would you want to go with me?”
“I want to talk with you. And I miss our apartment. And I miss you Tae.”
For the second time this evening their eyes meet and all resolve Taehyung had is gone. Jungkook missed him. He’s here, standing so close, telling Taehyung he missed him and his eyes are saying even more.
Not being able to hold back anymore, Taehyung turns to the side and puts both of his arms around Jungkook. He holds him tightly, his lips touching the younger’s head, he can smell the faint fragrance of Jungkook’s shampoo. Jungkook's hands go around his waist and he pulls them even closer than they are.
Everything feels right and wrong at the same time, but he made the decision, and he can think of the consequences later.
When their uber arrives and they sit in the backseat Jungkook snuggles in Taehyung’s side, not caring whether he should or shouldn’t.
He was always like this. Whatever he wanted to have he didn’t hesitate to reach for it. And he always got whatever he wanted, because Taehyung made it his life mission to make all of Jungkook’s wishes come true.
When he wanted affection, he just sat on Taehyung’s lap and second later kisses were peppered all over his face.
When he wanted to make love he left light kisses on Taehyung’s neck and minutes later he was moaning quietly and whispering ‘I love you’s every now and then.
When he wanted to get fucked, he wore things that he knew will make Taehyung lose his mind. And hours later he was left with purple marks all over his neck, all of his hair strands standing in different directions from harsh tugs and his ass sore and leaking cum.
So now when Jungkook wants to be close, Taehyung tugs him even closer, letting him snuggle into his neck.
There’s so many thoughts in Taehyung’s head, because how can it just be back to how it was? Why does he allow himself to get even more hurt? How does Jungkook expect him to let him go again, when he finally has him in his arms?
When they arrive and quietly make their way to the apartment Taehyung wonders how the conversation is going to even look like. Will they make awkward small talk, will they fight or pretend like the two years they were apart don’t exist?
For some reason, he’s out of place in his own apartment, not sure where or how to sit, but he manages to find a spot on the far end of his couch while Jungkook sits across the table on the purple chair he picked himself.
And then, he waits. He never expected to talk with Jungkook again and he hasn’t had the chance to collect his thoughts about what is happening. So he hopes, at least Jungkook knows what he wants to say, because the silence is deafening and Taehyung starts to feel more and more uneasy with every passing second.
“I’m sorry. I know it must be all confusing to you. But I felt like we needed to talk and it can’t wait.”
“You’re right, I am confused. So talk,” he doesn’t want to sound so harsh. Just a few minutes ago, they were practically cuddling in the backseat of the uber but now he just wants to be over it. He doesn’t want any sorries, because there’s nothing to apologise for. All he wanted was to move on and on the night he thought like he might actually be able to do that, he’s back to where he was two years prior.
“Okay. So… I’m moving back to Seoul. For good.”
“I see.” Great. Now Taehyung will have to either avoid all of his friends in order to avoid running into Jungkook or get used to seeing him and acting like he doesn’t care. None of these options seems like something he wants to do. “Thank you for telling me. Is there anything else?”
“Actually, there is…”
“What is it?”
“I wanted us to become friends again.”
Impossible.
“Wow. Well, I’m sorry, but I don’t want that.”
He can see the exact moment Jungkook’s expression drops and for the nth time this day he just wants to run to him, but there’s just no way in hell he’ll be able to do it as his friend. Maybe that’s selfish of him to want more than he can have, but he was never good at pretending.
“Oh. Okay, I understand that. Of course, it was stupid of me to ask, but I needed to know.”
He doesn’t say anything else, but he looks like there’s something left unsaid.
“Jungkook, I may not want to be your friend now, but I was once so I know there’s more. Can you be honest with me?”
Jungkook audibly gulps.
“Okay, I will be honest. I lied before. I don’t want to be friends with you either. But I felt like I had no right to ask you about it and being friends is more plausible.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I want you back, Tae. I want us back. I regret we wasted two years being apart. I know I have no right to tell you this and I’m not expecting anything, I promise. I just don’t want to continue my life without you in it.”
Looking from the outside Jungkook probably can’t tell how much Taehyung is freaking out right now. He just heard what he wanted to hear all this time and he’s never been more confused. Should he just forget about their breakup and start all over again? Is something like this possible?
“I don’t know what to say Jungkook, this is a lot. I know you’re not expecting anything, but if you want me to decide on anything I’ll need some time.”
“Of course, of course. Then, I guess I should leave now. Thank you for letting me come here, but it’s better if I go back to my hotel.”
Taehyung knows that Jungkook’s right. His brain to mouth filter though doesn’t seem to get the message.
“Stay. You can sleep on the couch.”
“Are you sure? I really don’t mind…”
“I’m sure. You can take a shower, I’ll leave some clothes for you in the bathroom.”
And when Taehyung sees how Jungkook’s face lit up he knows he’s screwed.
Since the moment he saw him today, for the first time in two years, he couldn’t help imagining them back together. He couldn’t help imagining Jungkook back in his apartment. Getting ready for bed together. Waking up to the sight of Jungkook already making a mess of their kitchen. And having those thoughts become reality less than half an hour since they first invaded Taehyung’s mind feels a bit surreal.
Beside the overwhelming wave of protectiveness that came over him the second he saw the love of his life with glassy eyes, Taehyung wasn’t able to overlook how beautiful Jungkook still is. Even more now than before. Looking so innocently, so pure.
It was always Taehyung’s weakness. How delicate and innocent Jungkook could be when he wants to. Well, often it comes natural to him, but he noticed right away how Taehyung reacted when that happened, and he used it against him just as quickly as he realised he could.
It made Taehyung lose his mind every single time, and unfortunately today is no different.
After leaving one of his favourite shirts alongside a pair of tight boxers next to the sink in his bathroom he makes his way back to the living room and sits on his couch. He feels uneasy, the news of Jungkook coming back to Seoul for good was so unexpected he still can’t decide what it is that he wants.
As if that wasn’t overwhelming enough, now he’s going to have to deal with having Jungkook so close and with all the memories they created in this exact apartment coming back.
The couch he’s sitting on right now is the same couch he fucked Jungkook on everytime they attempted to watch a movie and could never finish any because Jungkook had a habit to get horny out of nowhere.
The balcony he sees from where he’s sitting is the same balcony Jungkook sucked him off while Taehyung was having his morning coffee and enjoying the view of the city waking up to life.
To his right he can see the marble countertop in his kitchen, the same one he put Jungkook on and fucked him raw when Jungkook instead of making breakfast ruined another pan and ripped apart another bag of flour.
Taehyung can feel his dick chubbing up already, quietly cursing at himself for letting himself think about those memories.
When he hears the bathroom doors open and realises that he’s about to see Jungkook in his oversized shirt, his long legs on display, his beloved thighs barely covered by the material he feels his knees go weak.
He can hear footsteps, getting a bit louder every second and he’s trying to come up with a plan to make their last interaction of the evening as little awkward as possible.
He’s going to stand up and pass by Jungkook quickly, hopefully not allowing him to notice the bulge in his pants. He’ll prepare a pillow and a blanket, tell Jungkook to get anything he wants from the kitchen and run away to his bedroom. That’s a good, well thought out and easy to execute plan.
Just as he thinks nothing can go wrong with such a great plan Jungkook appears in front of him. And he looks exactly like Taehyung imagined. His hair wet and dishevelled, water drops on his face making their way down to his neck. The shirt is too big even for him, but he looks adorable like that, reminding Taehyung how much he loved seeing Jungkook in his clothes. His thighs are partially covered, but the rest that is visible makes Taehyung want to leave hundreds of bite marks and hickeys on them.
And maybe, maybe, Taehyung would be able to somehow ignore how delicious Jungkook looks if it wasn’t for his innocent expression. But it’s not like the one he had before, in Jin’s apartment or during their conversation. This one Taehyung knows very well, the way Jungkook bites his bottom lip and scrunches his eyebrows is the exact same way he used to do it every time he wanted Taehyung to be rough with him.
According to the plan Taehyung stands up, but instead of passing Jungkook he moves closer to Jungkook, about a metre between them now. To hell with the plan.
His right hand goes to cup Jungkook’s cheek, his thumb lightly caressing the delicate skin. Their eyes meet, even though Jungkook is not much shorter, he still has to look up a little and Taehyung can see a hint of blush, even in the dim light of the apartment. Jungkook’s fingers are playing with the hem of Taehyung’s shirt, which makes it clear that Jungkook despite his daring act is still nervous and maybe unsure of what’s next for them.
So before Taehyung completely loses his composure and literally throws himself at his lover, he allows the protective side of him to take over. He doesn’t want to do anything that might complicate their situation even more or make Jungkook more confused than he probably is.
“Do you want me to leave or stay with you?” he asks, still caressing Jungkook’s cheek.
“Stay.”
“I’ll stay.” Damn it.
The corners of Jungkook’s mouth go up slightly and Taehyung can tell that he starts to relax a little.
“I really meant what I said earlier. I want to go back to how we were. But I’ll give you time to think about it. I’ll wait for you, I promise.”
And Taehyung believes every word. He knows there’s so much to talk about, before they can start building their relationship again. But at the same time he has the only person he ever loved right in front of him. The one he spent hundreds of nights missing and worrying about instead of getting enough sleep. The one he could never get over. The one that made him the happiest and never consciously hurt him, always so understanding and supportive. The one who never leaves his mind. And the one he dreamed about having back in his life.
Is there really that much to talk about?
He’s quiet for a few seconds contemplating his next words.
“Are you completely sure you’re not going to leave Seoul again? I won’t be able to go through it again if you leave me.”
One more promise and words of assurance and Taehyung knows he will give in to what he already knows he wants. He just needs to know.
“I will never leave you again if you decide to have me back,” Jungkook puts his hand on top of Taehyung’s and squeezes it lightly. “I still love you.”
That’s all Taehyung wanted to hear all this time they’ve been apart. That’s all he wanted to say.
He puts some pressure on the hand that’s cupping Jungkook’s face and brings him closer. His second hand joins the other and moments later their faces are just centimetres apart. Their eyes never left each other, but in this moment it feels like they’re both staring into the deepest parts of their souls. And in those beautiful, dark and wide eyes Taehyung finds confirmation.
He brings their lips together and a soft, warm and familiar feeling comes over him. They move slowly, in unison, like they never stopped kissing. It feels like coming back home after a hard day at work. Like drinking a hot tea under a blanket in autumn, with the muffled sound of raindrops hitting the balcony floor. Like watching sunsets with the love of your life.
Taehyung pulls away just a little bit, just enough to be able to speak. “I love you too Jungkook, I never stopped.” As those words leave his mouth, Jungkook releases the breath he was holding.
This time when their lips touch again it’s more rushed, more aggressive, but just as familiar. Jungkook’s tongue pushes through Taehyung’s lips, forcing itself inside, wanting to explore as much as he can. And Taehyung lets him, as always, just following his lover’s footsteps and letting him do whatever he wants.
He can hear Jungkook’s soft whines and moans, contrast to the groans he’s letting out. He feels more hungry and needy with each passing second and he can tell he’s not the only one. His hands leave Jungkook’s face, moving to his waist, pulling the younger closer, their bodies fitting perfectly against each other.
They keep swallowing each other’s moans and the kiss gets more and more rough, and Taehyung can’t stop himself anymore. He lowers his hands to grab below Jungkook’s ass and he hoists him up, so Jungkook can grab his neck and slot his legs around Taehyung.
They never break the kiss and Taehyung is grateful he’s in a familiar setting, which allows him to carry Jungkook without bumping into any of the furniture.
They make their way to the bedroom and Taehyung stops right before the bed, Jungkook still holding onto him tightly.
“How do you want it baby?”
Somehow after all those years of calling Jungkook all the endearing names he could come up with, his beloved still manages to blush hearing them.
But although Jungkook looks like an angel, like the most pure soul in the entire world, with his rosy cheeks and reddened lips pouting cutely, his slightly narrowed eyes tell a different story. And Taehyung thinks he already knows the answer.
“I want you to ruin me.”