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Katsuki went into the kitchen with the intention to cook himself a late dinner, that’s it. Just a meal—one for himself, not any of the shitty extras that begged him to make them food constantly. So could someone please tell him how he ended up playing matchmaker for an incredibly unsubtle blond dumbass and the exhausted purple haired fucker that was too oblivious to take even the most obvious of hints? Just his fucking luck apparently. Nobody in this class could get shit done without his help.
He was halfway through preparing the ingredients for his stir fry when the Troll Doll Fucker walked in. Eyebags bigger than suitcases, purple hair sticking up everywhere, had the audacity to hit a growth spurt right before the start of second year that left him standing at 5’11 and Dunce Face drooling. That fucker. Seeing as Katsuki had a bit more tolerance for people than he did at the start of first year, he didn’t immediately tell the guy to get the hell out of his kitchen. He didn’t even shoot him a dirty look, he just glanced at him and kept minding his own business. He had onions to dice. Shinsou headed straight for the coffee pot like the caffeine addict he was. He started making a fresh pot and Katsuki’s lip curled at the knowledge that the other teen was definitely not making decaf. It was 8:30pm. How Eyebags lived on so little sleep Katsuki could not understand. Personally he had a very well adhered to and healthy sleep schedule. Shinsou seemed to frequently determine that sleep would be impossible for the night and decide that downing several cups of black coffee was an acceptable course of action. Which was disgusting by the way, black coffee tasted like tar. Katsuki loved spicy things, and he could handle bitterness cause he wasn’t a pussy, but that shit was nasty. Shinsou opened the fridge door, presumably to find himself some leftovers since god knew he wasn’t going to put creamer in his coffee. Whatever, Katsuki didn’t currently have any leftovers in there to be stolen. He finished chopping his onions and Eyebags was still staring at the contents of the fridge.
“You gonna grab something or just stare at everything?”
“Huh?” Shinsou blinked rapidly, then looked at the fridge like he had no idea why he even had the door open. “Uh, sorry.” He closed the fridge door and walked over to one of the cabinets. He looked inside and appeared confused when he didn’t find one of his mugs(as one of their resident coffee fiends he had several mugs that belonged to him specifically), even though he wasn’t looking in the cabinet where they kept the mugs.
“Okay, what the fuck is up with you?” Katsuki asked gruffly. Might as well get this sorted before Eyebags accidentally destroyed part of the kitchen or something.
“What?” Shinsou said, not an ounce of comprehension in those purple eyes.
“I said what the hell is wrong with you? I’ve seen you function better than this while running on four days of no sleep.”
“Oh.” Shinsou ran a hand through his hair. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
Katsuki scoffed. “‘It’s nothing,’ my ass. And like hell I’m gonna let you fuck up my kitchen cause you’re too distracted to think straight.” Troll Doll here, despite being allergic to sleep and whipped for Kaminari of all people, was normally one of the few members of their class with his head screwed on straight. It was weird to see him so clearly off his game. No, Katsuki did not care about how the guy was doing. He was just concerned for the safety of his kitchen.
Shinsou dragged a hand down his face and sighed. He looked tired, but no more so than usual. “You know,” Eyebags began before stopping and starting over. “You know how Kaminari got his ears pierced a few months ago?”
Of fucking course this was about Kaminari. Katsuki should’ve seen this coming. What else would get Troll Doll to act like this. “Yeah, of course I know.” Kaminari was a core member of the self proclaimed ‘Bakusquad.’ A dumb name if you asked Katsuki but his idiots refused to call their friend group anything else. Mina had gotten her ears pierced at the same time and the both of them flooded the squad group chat with photos of the piercing studio and each other getting pierced.
“Were you around for the whole ‘oh these are purple for you, my best friend, the platonic love of my life,’ thing with Jirou?”
Katsuki had not been, however he had heard about it from Raccoon Eyes. “Sparky had them put in purple studs and when Jirou asked about it he said it was inspired by her. What about it, Purple Bitch? You jealous?”
“I am not jealous,” Shinsou insisted a little too strongly. Katsuki cocked a brow at him, which Shinsou resolutely ignored. “Jirou said something about us each getting an ear and Kaminari told her ‘Nah, that’s not how it works. These came as a set,’ then said he’d dedicate his next piercing in my honor.” Damn. No wonder the guy was such a mess. “And Kaminari said he was getting another piercing after school today.”
Wow. Katsuki suddenly felt he knew exactly where this was going. Fucking simp. Kaminari gets another piercing and suddenly the Mind Control Fucker’s brain melts out his ears like soup. “Yeah. He told you what he got pierced yet?” Kaminari went alone this time and refused to tell anyone what he was going to get done. Said he wanted it to be a surprise and would reveal it in person in class tomorrow.
Shinsou made the expression of a man that had been pushed to the very edge of his sanity. “He sent me a picture,” he said solemnly, like it was a death sentence and not just a photo of a piercing, “with the caption ‘this is for you, handsome.”
Katsuki raised both eyebrows in a manner that screamed ‘I’m judging you so hard.’ “Okay, so he was flirty. And? He’s always flirty, especially with you. Can’t handle seeing your crush’s new ear piercings? Did he man up and get a nose one or something?”
“You don’t understand,” Shinsou said almost desperately. “It’s not an ear piercing. It’s not a nose piercing either.”
Katsuki rolled his eyes and gestured for him to get the fuck on with it. “Goddamn, just tell me what he got pierced.”
In the most pathetic, down bad, despairing voice, Shinsou replied “Kaminari said ‘this is for you, handsome’ and sent me a photo of his new tongue piercing.”
Katsuki started cackling. So that was what had Eyebags’ panties in a bunch. This was too fucking funny. Instead of saying something snarky Shinsou took his laughter with resigned acceptance. “You poor fucking simp. Good luck concentrating in class tomorrow.”
Shinsou made a sound of distress remarkably similar to a half hearted goose honk. Katsuki patted him on the shoulder roughly and turned to get the stove going for his stir fry. The other practically collapsed onto one of the stools by the kitchen island and buried his head in his arms. “I’m not even going to survive long enough for his piercing to fully heal,” he muttered, just barely loud enough for Katsuki to hear. He wasn’t hard of hearing but his hearing wasn’t the best either. Unfortunate side effect of an explosion quirk. He had hearing protection he wore with his hero costume that blocked out noise over a certain decibel level so at least his hearing wouldn’t get much worse.
Katsuki slid his vegetables off the cutting board into the pan with the noodles. “You think it’s going to be any better after the initial novelty wears off?” He clicked his tongue. “Idiot. Dunce Face is already halfway to having an oral fixation, what do you think is going to happen once it heals up? He’s gonna fuck around with that tongue piercing 24/7. Don’t let anybody hand him a straw or you’ll never know peace.”
The responding “Nooooo,” that came from behind him was so whiny in comparison to Shinsou’s usual deep voice that Katsuki snorted. Brainwash Fucker really was screwed. “How am I supposed to live like this?” he groaned.
“Well first of all you could take a fucking hint and ask him out,” Katsuki replied, stirring in the seasoning he’d thrown into the pan. “He’s so obvious about his feelings it’s disgusting and he’s half convinced you two are just really good friends cause you’re at least semi-subtle with your simping.”
“Doesn’t feel subtle.”
“It’s not,” Katsuki said flatly. “Especially when you’re forgetting where we keep the mugs and staring into the fridge like it holds the answers to life.” He adjusted the heat under the pan slightly. “But Sparky is louder about it. He’s head over heels for you and talks a lot. The things I’ve heard him say,” he scrunched up his nose as he shook his head, “awful. He’s so ridiculously horny about it yet still manages to make it clear he’d fight god if it would make you smile.” Eyebags let out another incoherent noise. “You need to get your shit together and make it clear you’re equally as whipped so he can tell you that shit instead of forcing me to hear it.”
There was a rustling of fabric and the squeak of a stool. Katsuki glanced over his shoulder to visually confirm that Troll Doll was now sitting upright instead of hiding his face in his arms. “How the fuck am I supposed to ask him out when I’m pretty sure seeing his tongue piercing in person will remove my ability to speak? Oh my god he’s totally going to stick his tongue out at me and say something flirty.”
Katsuki turned away from his stir fry. He’d leave it be for a moment without constant stirring. He leaned back on the countertop behind him, arms crossed over his chest. “Figure it the fuck out, dipshit.”
Shinsou groaned. “There’s no way I’ll be able to—“
“Hey,” Katsuki interrupted. “Read the sign.” Said sign was hung on the wall above the stove courtesy of yours truly. It read in black cursive ‘No bitchin’ in my fuckin’ kitchen.’
Purple Bitch read it and made a miserable little distressed noise. “I despise you. Truly you exist to delight in my suffering.”
“Good grief. No complaining allowed either. Get your shit together, man. You’re gonna spend a month jerking off thinking about it either way since you won’t be able to stick your tongue down his throat until it’s healed.”
Shinsou choked on his coffee. Katsuki aggressively tore off a paper towel from the roll near him and handed it to him with a scowl so he could wipe up the liquid he’d spit out in his spluttering.
“Fuck you,” Eyebags threw out halfheartedly.
Katsuki rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Be glad I didn’t go into more detail about where you want that tongue piercing.”
That actually made Shinsou blush. Full on pink cheeks and everything. It even turned the tips of his ears red. “I—“
“Don’t even try to defend yourself. You’re a horny idiot and we both know it. Luckily for you Kaminari is too.”
“He flirts with me a lot but he’s not that bad,” the purple haired teen protested, as if Sparky had any honor that needed defending. Kaminari would be the first person to tell you he was a horny goddamn mess of a human being. The fucker was shameless.
“To you he’s not,” Katsuki corrected. “The rest of us however are subject to his horny pining. He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Kaminari was a flirt but he did have a sense of boundaries on what was appropriate to say to a friend while flirting and what bordered on sexual harassment. “He saves that shit for Pink Bitch. Comes over after training and immediately starts blabbing about—“ he began to imitate Kaminari’s bubbly, slightly higher pitched voice, “Holy shit, Mina. Shinsou threw me over his shoulder during the exercise today and believe me when I tell you I would let that man throw me around any day, hot damn.” Showing more intelligence than he had in this entire conversation, Shinsou had wisely not taken another drink of his coffee. This time the only thing he was choking on was his own tongue. Feeling like being a menace to the guy interrupting his cooking to act a fool over a tongue piercing, Katsuki continued without mercy. “Listen, listen. I’m telling you, Sero, his dick is big, I just know it is. I would bet my switch he’s fucking packing.”
Shinsou buried his face in hands and let out a muffled yell. “That’s what I thought, bitch,” Katsuki said smugly before checking on his stir fry. It was almost done, the carrots just needed a little more time to soften up. Over his shoulder he added the threat of “If you don’t ask him on a date in the next three days I promise you will not live long enough to see that tongue piercing healed.”
There was a quiet muffled groan and then Troll Doll Fucker finally agreed to get his shit together. “Fine, I’ll ask him out. You don’t need to threaten me into it.”
Katsuki grinned at him. “Oh I’m only just getting started with threatening you. You hurt him in literally any way and I will rip your dick off and feed it to you.” If Shinsou wasn’t already ungodly pale his face would have turned pale. Good. That was a 100% genuine, certified Bakugou Katsuki shovel talk threat. Despite the fact that he and Candy Cane were fairly close after doing their remedial lessons together, he still gave Todoroki a similar threat when he and Deku started dating. Specifically ‘hurt him and I’ll rip your spine out through your asshole.’ Half and Half had been sufficiently intimidated. Eyebags nodded. “Good. Remember that.” Katsuki turned off the stove and grabbed a bowl from the cabinet. Unlike a certain somebody he wasn’t too frazzled to look in the right one.
Katsuki had just finished plating his food when Purple spoke next. “He just got back on campus.” Of course Kaminari texted him as soon as he returned to campus.
The blond sat down at the island across from Shinsou with his bowl and chopsticks and gave him an unimpressed look. “You want me to give you a pep talk or something?” Shinsou shot him a glare. It would have been more threatening if Katsuki hadn’t just witnessed him nearly spontaneously combust because the guy he liked got a tongue piercing. “Fine. When Sparky gets to the dorm you’re gonna take him up to your room. Not his, you hear me? It’s right below Kirishima’s and I’m going there to study after I eat. I don’t want to hear if you guys do any nasty shit.”
“We’re not going to—“
“Shut the fuck up and listen, Eyebags. You want your pep talk or not?”
Shinsou scowled but remained silent. “That’s what I thought. You’re gonna go up there and you’re gonna tell him you like him romantically. Say all the sappy shit that goes through your head whenever the light hits his eyes just right or whatever. You’re gonna ask him out. Ask to take him on a date, straight up ask to be his boyfriend, I do not give a shit which, just fucking do it.” Katsuki pointed his chopsticks at him, not giving a single fuck that it was poor table manners. At least he knew it was rude unlike some of their classmates that had apparently been raised in a goddamn barn. “Don’t pussy out of it. Confess all your mushy feelings and then when everyone gushes over his tongue piercing tomorrow at least you’ll be allowed to ogle him and say it looks hot instead of some awkward shit like ‘oh it looks nice.’” Aggressive pep talk finished, he shoved a mouthful of stir fry in his mouth. Damn, he was an amazing cook. He should be charging these extras for making him cook for them.
“That was a surprisingly good pep talk,” Shinsou said.
Katsuki glared at him. “Of course it was. I don’t half ass things. If I’m gonna give a pep talk it’s gonna be a damn good one.” There was the unmistakable sound of the creaky dorm front door opening and closing. He nodded his head in that direction. “Dunce Face is back. Go get your boy, Purple Bitch, or I’ll kick your ass.”
Shinsou raised his hands in surrender. He stood up, drained the last of his nasty black coffee, and put the mug in the sink before leaving the room because he wasn’t a goddamn animal. Katsuki hated when people left dirty dishes on the countertops. From his spot in the kitchen he could hear Kaminari’s cheerful greeting, which was immediately followed by the words “Check it out!” and a noise identical to the one Meg Thee Stallion makes when she sticks her tongue out. Predictably, Shinsou stuttered while asking Spark Plug to go hang out in his room with him, but he did manage to do it. Kaminari agreed enthusiastically, forever delighted to spend time with the class insomniac.
Katsuki snickered and continued to eat his dinner. He should get paid for dealing with all the idiots in this class.
The next morning Kaminari wasn’t at breakfast. Eyebags was however, so it probably wasn’t for any nasty reasons. He cocked a brow at Shinsou, who quietly informed him that Sparky wanted to see everybody at once for maximum impact so he was avoiding showing his face until right before homeroom started. Dramatic little shit. Katsuki dug through one of the snack cabinets and shoved a couple breakfast bars at Purple. The tired teen saluted him and headed upstairs to deliver them to Kaminari.
Dunce Face waltzed into the classroom exactly five minutes before the start of homeroom. Mina immediately squealed and ran over while insisting he show her his new piercing, a request which he gleefully indulged, sticking out his tongue. Raccoon Eyes straight up shrieked in delight. The smiling blond was immediately swarmed by curious classmates. Katsuki tuned most of the noise out, though his attention was caught when Mina cheekily crowed “Oh, Shinsou! How do you feel about Kami’s new piercing?”
She was obviously expecting a stammering response trying and failing to deflect the question. Instead Shinsou shrugged lightly and replied “Super hot. Can’t wait for it to heal.” There was a small smirk on his lips. Katsuki didn’t fail to notice that his ears were pink though.
Pink Bitch let out an ear piercing shriek. Goddamn, why was Katsuki friends with all the loud ones? Oh yeah, cause they latched onto him like leeches and refused to let go. “Did you hear that Denks?” Mina asked excitedly.
Kaminari, cheeks dusted pink, confidently replied “Hell yeah.” He shot double finger guns at Shinsou cause he was a ridiculous loser like that. “Don’t worry, babe. You’ll be the first person to hear once my tongue’s back in action.” Ugh. Fucking disgusting levels of flirting. They were in the goddamn classroom. Aizawa was probably in his sleeping bag behind his desk getting traumatized by this entire exchange. Katsuki definitely was. Sparky was speaking surprising well though considering how swollen his tongue must have been.
“Oi, knock that shit off, Dunce Face. I don’t want to hear it,” Katsuki said bluntly.
Kaminari pouted at him. Genuinely pouted.
Jirou interjected “Not that Kaminari isn’t being disgusting, which he is—“
“Hey! I take offense to that.”
“Good,” Ears deadpanned. “But why didn’t you tell Shinsou to shut up too?”
Katsuki nodded in Troll Doll’s direction. “Since he actually grew the balls to ask out Spark Plug I’ll give him a free day before I start giving him shit for their gross flirting.” Saying things that could possibly be interpreted as strong innuendos in front of everybody. Zero goddamn decency. Was a little decency so much to ask for?
Pink Cheeks gasped excitedly and turned to Shinsou. “You asked Kaminari out? When?”
Eyebags nodded. “Last night.”
The group eagerly began chatting away about the confession, Sparky regaling them with a play by play as Shinsou’s ears burned red while he watched the blond with a fond expression.
The flirting was gross, but Katsuki supposed the pep talk was worth it when getting together put that beaming grin on Kaminari’s face and that small smile on Shinsou’s. Next time either of them wanted to thirst over the other they could do it somewhere other than Katsuki’s kitchen though.