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Rachel Amber is perfect. Completely, utterly perfect. Straight A student, prominent member of the newest social group The Vortex Club, amazing actress in the school play and aspiring model. Her photography teacher, Mr. Jefferson, said she had the looks and the work ethic to make it. And she believed it, who wouldn’t believe it? He was a world-renowned photographer who hired the best models and sat on more money then any artist could ever dream of. Maybe he saw her promising future, or maybe he saw the cracks in her smile plastered mask. Maybe he knew he could pry his way in and use her flaws to his advantage.
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Being a straight A student meant long nights, hard work and almost too much studying. When she wasn’t found with Chloe, or practicing for the play, or talking to her friends Rachel was found nose deep into her biology book. She always had work to do, always had another test to study for, always had another essay to write. Being at the top of your class takes real work, and Rachel wasn’t about to let her dad pay her way through school. Even if she could, even if she knew Victoria did already, she was going to be bigger than Victoria, and much better than her. Chloe knew the lengths Rachel would go to to be on top. She knew the tired look Rachel hid under her mask, she watched the all nighters and supplied the copious amounts of energy drinks and weed to get through them.
Chloe also saw her Rachel wasting away. She saw her lose focus on herself, because who cares if she’s okay? Rachel has to be the best.
Chloe saw Rachel’s eyes slowly lower, leaning closer into her study guide, and took her opportunity. Chloe quietly got up from her spot on the bed, closed Rachel’s work and gently lifted her up. One arm under her arms and the other under her legs.
“Woah since when we’re you buff enough to pick me up?” Rachel’s joke is met with silence. But the look she is met with says ‘i’m not’ the look says ‘max always beat me in gym class and i’ve never had the lung capacity to chase her god forbid pick her up’ the look says ‘you’re light enough now for even me to pick up, you’ve lost too much’
If Chloe means what the look says, she doesn’t say it. If Chloe is worried for her maybe girlfriend maybe best friend, she tries to tell her through her actions. She lays her in bed, ‘You’re too hard on yourself’. She covers her up with the blankets, ‘You can’t keep putting yourself through this’. She flicks off the lights and crawls in next to her, ‘If you won’t worry for yourself, I will’. She wraps her arms around Rachel and holds her close, ‘We’re going to get out of this town one day, you can take a break, I can handle this’.
If Rachel was planning on protesting her interrupted study session, she doesn’t act one it. Instead she turns her head in closer to Chloe, and she hopes Chloe knows that she can’t stop. She hopes Chloe knows that she will be no one if she is not perfect. She hopes Chloe knows she is tired of pretending, but one day it will pay off.
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When Rachel is dropped off in the back Blackwell student parking lot, she beelines for her room and then the showers. Nobody needs to see Victoria Chase this early in the morning, not even Rachel. But Kate is there, Kate is always there.
“Oh.. good morning Rachel! Did you sleep well?”
Rachel’s not sure how Kate is this nice to anyone at such an ungodly hour. Well, maybe it’s because there is no ungodly hour to Kate, maybe it’s because she is grateful for every second she has on this Earth. Rachel wishes she felt like that.
“Good morning Kate.. Yeah I’m just a bit too tired to take a history test today.” She wasn’t lying, she always sleeps much better with Chloe by her side, but no amount of sleep could prepare her for this test.
“Oh! I have some caffeinated lavender tea if you would like me to make you some!” God, she’s so sweet, it almost gives Rachel a cavity.
“No thanks Kate, I’m just going to shower and hope I do well. But really, thank you for offering.” Rachel always tried her best to be nice to Kate. Rachel doesn’t even think she could be mean to someone like her. She always feels a bit sad, watching the look on Kate’s face fall. But it only falters for a moment.
“Alright! Tell me if you need anything, Rach.” Kate shuffled inside her dorm, and Rachel wondered if she looked like that. She wondered if people could see the sadness on her face, even if it was only for a moment. Rachel hoped she was a better actress than Kate. A better actress than anyone.
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Hot. The water is boiling hot and if Rachel cared enough she would hop back, and wait for the water to cool off. If Rachel cared enough she wouldn’t have spent almost 10 minutes after shaving trying to break the blade out of her razor. She doesn’t even know why she did it. She does know, but she’ll pretend it was an accident.
She’ll pretend that the criss crossed scars on her inner upper arm was an accident, an old one from a childhood friends cat. Or that she got it while on stage, slipping and scratching herself on a prop. But don’t worry, made-up Rachel kept acting, that’s how good she is.
Amazing Rachel would not spend her shower cutting herself. Perfect Rachel would not watch the blood drip and hope no one finds her. Stunning Rachel would not make ugly marks on herself.
But nobody needs to know the real Rachel. They only need to know the made-up Rachel.
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The made-up Rachel got a 98 on her history test. The real Rachel cries alone in her dorm that night, knowing she should’ve gotten a 100. The made-up Rachel attends a Vortex party before that. She brags about having the best grade in the class. She doesn’t mention that the real Rachel is torn up over those two points. She doesn’t mention that her parents will ask her where the two points went, instead of praising her for the other 98. Doing decent is not hard for Amber’s, and only perfection is acceptable.
Rachel wonders if this 98 stops her from being a true Amber.
She wonders why her parents were never proud of higher grades, and barley proud of the highest. She also wonders why she gets such a tight hug from Chloe when she tells her.
“I told you! You would totally ace that test. Okay dinner is my treat tonight because you worked so hard on it. God what if we put it on the fridge?” Chloe’s smile is a little goofy looking and Rachel can’t tell what there even is to be so happy about.
“Chlo, it’s only a 98, I didn’t ace it.”
“Are you kidding? Don’t tell me you’re getting sad over two points. A 98 is amazing! So much better than I could ever do.” Rachel doesn’t mention that Chloe could do that could, if only she tried. Instead Rachel allows herself to be dragged to the Two Whales Diner by the wrist.
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Rachel offers to pay when Chloe tries to put the meal on her never-ending tab.
“No, no. Ms. Rachel Dawn Amber you are not paying. It is my treat because you did well. You’re like a second daughter to me and I’m so proud of you. I’ll be back with the paid check in just a moment.”
At least Joyce is proud of her. Joyce feels more like her mother than her own, or more so, any of her two actual mothers. Rachel allows herself to feel comforted and proud just this once. Especially by the motherly hug Joyce gives her on their way out. She smells like syrup and feels like familial love put into a person.
The Prices are Rachel’s family. No matter how imperfect she is. Rachel is just happy to be loved for herself for once.