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Percy’s Questers’ Quests
We are dedicated to completing all quests, no matter how big or small, legal or illegal (for legal reasons we will not complete illegal quests), mortal or Divine (for personal reasons we will not complete quests assigned by any Divine being on our list of “Forbidden Gods”). With Percy’s Questers’ Quests you can be assured of getting the best possible service for your quest!
Disclaimer: If we die, we are not obligated to complete the quest. No quests are accepted during exam season. We reserve the right to refuse any quest for any reason. If you input inaccurate details for a quest, then we reserve the right to keep your money. If you purposefully mislead our quests, we reserve the right to charge an additional fee. If we find you overtly obnoxious, we reserve the right to ban you from requesting quests.
Dedication: All Quests are completed in the name of Kronos, the Titan of Time and Agriculture. May he return from Tartarus and save me from my Divine family. Seriously if they bother me one more time, I’m going to copy Kronos.
Annabeth studied the intro to the website, gaze thoughtful as I waited impatiently for her thoughts.
“Well, that’s certainly one way to commit to teenage rebellion,” she decided at last, clicking the link leading to “Forbidden Gods”.
Forbidden Gods
- Zeus: he knows what he did
- Hades: I’m sick of the kidnapping
- Persephone: seriously STOP kidnapping me
- Hera: I’m Not Joking STOP KIDNAPPING ME.
- Ares: I’ve not forgotten that time you cursed me, or that time you tried to kill me, or that time you forced me on that quest, or that time you framed me for terrorism, or that time- you get the picture
- Hephaestus: one volcano was enough for me
- Aphrodite: *points to my love life*
- Athena: We’re not having a repeat of the Parthenos incident
- Triton: Stop assigning me quests to take a nap I have homework
- Hypnos: You too
- Eros: I’m a minor I cannot go to a strip club
- Herakles: BiTcH
- Phobos: I hate you
- Demios: I hate you too
- Khione: I’m holding a grudge over the flirting incident.
- Prometheus: I swear to Hestia if you try to bring me one more thought experiment-
- Set: I heard about your idea of a quest that’s a DEATH TRAP
- Nekhbet: Stop trying to merge with me I do not want to be in charge
- The Christian God: Sorry I don’t bring about plagues or crusades
Annabeth snorted as she finished reading the list, “Didn’t include Mr. D?”
“He’s on thin ice,” I explained. “But he did offer to pay for us to get therapy with a demigod therapist so… I’ll give him a pass right now.”
Annabeth nodded solemnly as she clicked to the Q&A page, “I did appreciate the therapy.”
Why are we dedicating all quests to Kronos?
I decided I was sick of my relatives making me do things for them when I just want to live my life so I’m trying to bring my Grandpa back from Tartarus so he can make them stop. I will also accept bringing my Great Uncle out of Tartarus cause he was wrongfully trapped.
What kinds of quests do you accept?
Anything! I’ll do menial labor, run messages, find something lost, get you information, run drugs (haha no I wouldn’t totally not… please see the next question), etc.
Are quests confidential?
Yeah lmao, I’m not telling anyone anything about them (except my gf <3). And I’m def not going to the cops, they’ll need a warrant.
How long do the quests take?
However long they do! If it’s a simple one I can give you a timeframe at the start, but harder ones will require more leeway. I’m doing this when I have time and am not dying so like- cut me some slack.
Is your girlfriend pretty?
She’s literally gorgeous.
What kind of payment do you accept?
I accept cash, card (via Paypal), drachma, denarii, gold, silver, bronze, rare items, answer keys for tests and quizzes, food, and divine blessings that do not result in more trouble*
*if you do give me a blessing that causes more favor I quadruple the payment in cash
Are you serious about all this Godly stuff?
Yes.
Hera?
Yes.
Are you the guy that blew up the St. Louis Arch?
No that was my cousin Ares, he’s on the Forbidden Gods list.
Annabeth laughed, “Did you actually get these questions?”
“I had Grover and Rachel ask me questions,” I snickered. It had been a fun afternoon.
“Are you seriously gonna publish this website?” she asked, clicking to the application form. “I mean, you’ll probably get work but the Gods might not be happy.”
“The good news is I don’t care,” I chirped, and grinned at her fond eyeroll. “But yeah, I figured might as well get some cash while I annoy my Godly family, the Gods know I’m gonna do it anyways.”
“True,” Annabeth conceded. “And this does seem like it could be fun. But be careful about the more… suspicious quests.”
I nodded, “Well, on that end I was hoping you’d help me review the requests? You’ll get 20% of the profits for all quests you review and 10% of the rest as a baseline?”
Annabeth hummed, looking thoughtful.
“It does sound interesting,” she said slowly. “But I’m signing up for that internship-“
“Only when you have time,” I assured immediately. “I don’t want to overload you or anything, but some extra spending cash might be nice?”
She nodded, eyes gleaming, “That would be nice.”
I beamed when she caved with a visible grin, “Alright, I’ll help out.”
“Yes!”
OO OO OO OO
* Marks which questions are required.
* Name: ________________________
* Phone number: _________________
Email: _________________________
* Description of Quest: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Tools needed for Quest: _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
* Public or Private: ____________________
* Deadline (Y/N) If Yes, what: _____________________
Additional Commentary or requests: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thank you for your service! You will be contacted regarding your quest in 3-5 business days* and payment will be handled when the quest has been accepted.
(* Business days being days we are not excessively busy)
“You’re actually doing this?” Nico asked, watching me read through the dozen quest requests I’d received so far.
“Yep!”
“I thought you were joking,” he said, eyes wide. “This should be interesting. What’s the first quest you’re taking?”
I pointed at one on my computer.
He leaned over and his eyes widened, “Oh, that’ll be funny.”
OO OO OO OO
* Name: Jenn Alvarez
* Phone number: 689-334-6789
Email: [email protected]
* Description of Quest: I want to throw a surprise party for my boyfriend, but every year he figures it out cause, we send a family member to keep him busy. This year I was hoping that maybe you could distract him for us, so that we can FINALLY surprise him. He’ll be at the park for baseball practice (he’s the coach) on Friday, September 12th at 5pm. If you could distract him for three hours, then that would be great!
Tools needed for Quest: Maybe a baseball? Or a bat? I’m not sure. But whatever you can think of to keep him distracted.
* Public or Private: Private
* Deadline (|Y|/N) If Yes, what: September 12th
Additional Commentary or requests: If you want to come to the birthday party after you can! We’ll have free cake. Good luck distracting him haha.
OO OO OO OO
Search Messages:
All Personal Business
New Message!
>Hey Jenn, this is Percy from Percy’s Questers’ Quests. I’m contacting you to let you know I’ve agreed to do your quest! I’ll be at the ballpark to distract your boyfriend on September 12th, from 5pm to 8pm.
>I take payment half before the quest and half after. How would you like to pay?
>>Oh! You accepted! Yes!! <3 Tysm
>>Uh, can I pay via PayPal + Cake? Does offering free cake lower the price?
>Cake *always* lowers the price. So for 3 hours at the park (and with free cake), the price will be $50
>$25 now and $25 after.
>>I can do that!
>>You take PayPal right?
>Yep!
>>Awesome, can you send me an invoie??
>>Invoice*
>Yeah I’ll send it to the email you provided. Thanks for your business!
>>Thanks for accepting! It’s been driving me mad trying to surprise my boyfriend haha
>Lol yeah I can imagine, my girlfriend is wickedly smart and it’s basically impossible to surprise her without major out of the box thinking. This will probably only work once but we’ll make it a good one!
>>Yeh!
>>Yeah!*
OO OO OO OO
On September 12th, at 4:30 pm, I went to the baseball park.
This was a vitally Important quest; free cake was riding on it. I had to distract the boyfriend for 3 hours starting at 5pm.
I would not fail.
First thing was first, scout him out.
He was indeed coaching the team, based on the picture she’d sent. And it looked like the kids were having fun, though were tired as practice was near the end.
I watched for a bit, sipping on a coke from the park’s vendor. The boyfriend paused to help someone find their bat which had fallen under the bench and smiled.
I had a plan now.
“Hey, Nico… would you be willing to bring Mrs. O’Leary to the baseball park, the one for the quest I took, in oh… an hour?”
“… why?”
“No reason,” I chirped.
“… okay, why not. I’ll bring her.”
“Awesome! Thanks, see you in a bit!”
I hung up and decided to start up my plan, only 10 minutes left after all.
With on last sip of my drink I started wandering around calling for Mr.s O’Leary. I checked under benches, behind trees, walked through the play area. I asked a few if they’d seen my little poodle, “she’s tiny, so easy to lose and her leash broke- I need a new one but hadn’t gotten around to it and I just- Have you seen her? Her name is Mrs. O’Leary- no?”
As the team filed out I went over there and started questioning the parents and kids. The coach paused in his hurry to grab his things.
“What’s the matter?”
“My dog! Mrs. O’Leary, I can’t find her!” I grabbed his arm and channeled every bit of my acting talent. “Please you have to help me find her she’s so small- it would be so easy for her to get hurt or trapped- she slipped her leash and I just-“
“Okay, hey, it’s okay,” he grabbed my shoulders. “Just breathe. Why don’t we take a look around, okay?”
I nodded, taking big breaths.
“Good luck!” said one of the kids.
“I hope you find your dog,” called another.
One of the moms offered me a snack as the coach had me sit down.
“Okay, so what does Mrs. O’Leary look like?”
“She’s a small poodle, was a gift a few years ago from a mentor- she’s small, and my girlfriend cuts her fur herself- it’s so cute you know my girlfriend is the best at like everything so it’s adorable. This time its not really a poodle cut, it’s more curly- kinda like a tiny labradoodle? I don’t know how to describe it but it’s cute, Mrs. O’Leary is just cute in general- please I have to find her she’s just- she can’t be alone-“
The coach nodded along to everything I said, offering me reassurance gently as I pinched my arm to make my eyes tear up.
“Well, I’m sure my girlfriend won’t mind me being late so I can help you find your poodle,” he soothed. “Why don’t we go check and see if she ended up at any of the other fields?”
I nodded, wiping my eyes with a dramatic sniff. “Do you think she’s okay? I mean- she’s practically a baby!”
“She’ll be okay, we’ll find her. Let’s start looking, okay?”
“Kay,” I said, letting him lead the way.
And thus, the search for my 2 ton “poodle” began.
OO OO OO OO
Nico texted me after about an hour of searching and informed me that they were at the park. I messaged him and asked him to let Mrs. O’Leary play, but to move around to different areas of the park.
And the game began.
OO OO OO OO
“Oh yeah, I saw a cute poodle in the field, it was just hopping around sniffing at things. There was a kid out there too, so I assumed it was his- no? Well, it’s that way.”
“Yeah, I saw it! It was laying at home plate chewing on a bone.”
“There it is!” the boyfriend ran over quickly, only to look around in befuddlement when Mrs. O’Leary dipped into the shadows.
It would never stop amusing me how everyone saw the giant black hellhound and went “oh yeah, poodle.”
“I got her!” he lunged, and Mrs. O’Leary side stepped him, then darted off at Nico’s call.
I bit back a laugh.
“Oh, a poodle? Yeah, there’s one by the water fountains.”
“Yeah I saw a poodle over by the street-“
“There was one sitting on top of a totaled car, nasty wreck there. A robber tried to steal a lady’s purse!”
The boyfriend was breathing heavily as we stared at the totaled car that I assumed was Mrs. O’Leary stopping a burglar, “What the fuck.”
“You okay?” I asked curiously.
“Fine,” he panted. “Just fine. Totally fine.”
I checked my watch and noted I only needed him distracted for another thirty minutes. I texted Nico to have Mrs. O’Leary at the playground.
“Oh!” called a lady. “Are you the ones looking for a poodle?”
“Yes!” I said earnestly, spinning to face her. “Did you see Mrs. O’Leary?”
“At the playground,” she said with a smile. “By the slides, though I’m not sure if she’s still-“
“I got her!” shouted the boyfriend, taking off.
“Are you going to tell him you have someone else taking care of your poodle?” the older lady said as we watched him charge full speed at the playground.
“Nah, it’s my job to distract him for a surprise party.”
She laughed, old face lighting up in a grin as I waved at Nico who leaned against a tree by the playground.
“Well, wish him a happy… birthday?”
I nodded.
“A happy birthday for me then.”
“I will,” I said with a grin. “Take care!”
“I will, sweetie.”
There was a loud bark as Mrs. O’Leary dodged the boyfriends full body tackle.
Oh dear.
OO OO OO OO
With five minutes left on the clock I pat Mrs. O’Leary on the head and cooed over her. “Such a good dog, I’m so glad we found you, oh you’re a sweetheart-“
“There- there- she- she- is-“ he panted, bent over with his hands on his knees.
“Thank you soooo much for helping me find her!” I said earnestly. “Seriously, I was so panicked when she went missing.”
“N-no problem,” he said with a weak thumbs up.
Whoops, maybe I tired him out too much… oh well.
“I’ve gotta go now,” I said. “But take care! And thanks again for the help!”
I led Mrs. O’Leary out and Nico laughed as we met up.
“I demand part of the pay,” he said immediately.
“$10 and free cake?” I offered.
“Deal.”
We let Mrs. O’Leary shadow travel us to where the party was, and I cheerfully went to greet Jenn.
“He’s on his way?”
“Just left the park,” I confirmed.
“Okay! We’re all set up- we can do this- first successful surprise party guys!”
There were cheers from the dozen people that had shown up.
OO OO OO OO
“SURPRISE!!!”
“Wha-“ he gaped at the crowd, still sweaty and tired from practice and the subsequent poodle chase. “Wait! You!”
I grinned and waved, “Hi!”
“POODLE GUY!”
Jenn laughed, “I hired him to distract you so we could plan your surprise party!”
“You mean I chased that poodle for three hours! For nothing!”
Nico snickered; I was fairly certain he was filming the scene.
“Well, not for nothing. For a surprise party!”
“Are you surprised?” his girlfriend asked, and he slumped.
“Yeah… I’m surprised.”
“Yay! Now to start the party!”
OO OO OO OO
It was a good quest.
OO OO OO OO
* Name: Olivia Grace
* Phone number: 609-454-8513
Email: O.[email protected]
* Description of Quest: My husband is abusive, and I don’t know what to do. Maybe this isn’t the right place to go when I Need help, but you said you would keep it confidential so… the quest is to find me a hitman so I can off my husband and protect my kids. Or to do it yourself, I guess. I just- I can’t let my children stay with him but he’ll take them from me if I try to leave. I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place- but please, anything you can do to help.
Tools needed for Quest: A knife?
* Public or Private: PRIVATE
* Deadline (|Y|/N) If Yes, what: As soon as physically possible
Additional Commentary or requests: If you don’t want to do it it’s okay, we’ll figure something out.
OO OO OO OO
Search Messages:
All Personal Business
New Message!
>Hey Olivia, this is Percy from Percy’s Questers’ Quests. I’m contacting you to let you know I’ve agreed to do your quest! I’ll be handling your husband personally by the end of the week.
>I take payment half before the quest and half after. How would you like to pay?
>>Wait… seriously? You’ll actually do it?
>Yep! He’ll be taken care of for you.
>>Thank you. Thank you so much. I can’t even…
>Happy to help! So, payment options?
>>I read your Q&A, you say you take food and gifts and stuff?
>Yep! If you do food and gifts we can come up with a payment plan, or even for cash. Food and gifts might be best though :)
>>I have some old jewelry from my grandma if that would work?
>Oh! I wouldn’t want to take family heirlooms.
>>They’re not, they’re just things my grandma left us. I wasn’t close to her and I don’t get any use out of them so this is worth it.
>Well, if that’s how you’d like to pay… I’ll accept.
>>Where should I put the jewelry? Or mail it? Or?
>If you could drop it off at the Fifth street library in a box and say it’s for “Percy Quest” I’ll pick it up!
>>I’ll do it. Thank you, again.
>It’s my sincere pleasure!
OO OO OO OO
“You’re actually gonna off the abusive husband?”
“Yep!” I said, checking that riptide was in my pocket (it was). “You did a great job confirming he was actually a douchebag that deserves death, so… I’m helping!”
“Well, if you say so. You got the knife?”
The knife was a celestial bronze and steel knife made by one of the Hephaestus kids while Mr. D snickered in the background. It was great for monsters and mortals alike! And was now reserved specially for abusive douchebags.
Annabeth kissed me on the cheek and shooed me off to commit murder. Shame we no longer had the Medusa head.
OO OO OO OO
Offing her husband was quick and easy, just made it look like a mugging gone wrong. Mrs. O’Leary shadow traveled me into the alley, and once I stabbed him and took all his money and valuables, took me back to my apartment. No one saw me, and no one would ever know.
I took a long shower after, and Annabeth made me do a whole cleansing ritual to be certain (even though he was a very bad man, murder was still murder in the Gods eyes, so I did need to get rid of that spiritual stain). Once that was all done, I offered Hermes the stolen goods, God of thieves and all, then donated the cash back to the wife and children.
OO OO OO OO
>>You actually did it.
>I told you I would.
>>I can’t even begin to thank you.
>:) happy to help!
>>I’ll leave the rest of the jewelry at the library for you tomorrow! I’m going to stay with my mom afterwards. Is there *anything* I can do for you?
>Not right now! But I’ll keep your offer in mind <3
>>Thank you.
>Anytime! Be sure to tell others that you had great service with Percy’s Questers’ Quests if you get a chance (I definitely finished getting you the money your husband lost in that gambling game. Yep. That’s what I did).
>>Haha, thank you. I will!
><3
OO OO OO OO
Yeah, this questing business was nice. I was gonna keep it up.
“Perseus Jackson what is this I’m hearing about you dedicating Quests to Kronos???”
I gulped as my dad materialized in my bedroom.
Or maybe I'd be grounded for a bit.