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So, here is the thing. He did not mean to eavesdrop, not at all. Unfortunately, the acoustics of the fire house are a bit... wonky. This is how he heard his core team gossiping about how he was basically a big cry baby and how he had to just suck it up and move on in that weird time before the lawsuit when he was still naive and believed his team mates really did love him, honest, they were just busy.
(Never mind the friends he made after the ladder truck bombing who barely knew him and yet set up a system of rotation so he was never alone too long, what with his depression. And no, he never mentioned a depression they just inferred and noticed things and then plain asked.)
He never meant to keep the two groups apart actually, it's just that it happened that way. Maybe that was the universe screaming at him?
(Jesus, he really needed to lay off the salt, didn't he...)
Either way, here he was again in that specific spot in the fire house where you could clearly hear people talking in the loft without being seen. It just so happens that one of the few things his parents taught him, and taught him well, was to freeze when hearing someone speak his name and prick his ears. (Maddie was a Pro at this too).
"Nah, Buck never sings so why would he want to come?" Well, to answer that question, Eddie, the long and short of it is: friendship. Even if he didn't sing, if his friends loved karaoke he would be there front and center to share in their joy and support them. Obviously.
"Huh, yeah, he never sings, I never noticed!" That was Hen and should he be hurt by that? Was that reasonable? Because it felt like disinterest maybe, especially given how many times he'd gone to karaoke with her. And how perceptive she was. It started to hurt more now that he thought about it, so he quickly refocused on the conversation. Which, yikes, was not a good idea.
"I could use some Buck-free time, there is only so much time off you want to spend with your girlfriend's little brother you know." Whoa, look at that manipulation go! Chim really brought it today.
He quickly fumbled his phone to write that sentence down as part of his homework for therapy. He had to note down any sort of verbal manipulations he noticed. At first, he'd only caught on to the very heavy handed 'it's just a joke, sheesh' tactic. Which no, if the subject of the joke isn't laughing, then it isn't a joke. When Dr. Copeland first explained this to him, his mind was blown. Blown. It resonated so deeply he couldn't have stopped the tears if he tried.
Incidentally, he finally learned how to take those kind of jokes. He didn't laugh at them anymore. He simply stared at Chimney with raised eyebrows and then concentrated on his phone. It apparently gave off an air of disapproval. It hadn't been his intention, he had simply been surprised by how mean those kind of jokes had actually been combined with the fact that if any of the fire family children had been the culprit, their parents would have come down on them like a ton of bricks. The cognitive dissonance is real.
Anyway, that is how doing his homework accidentally taught him a coping skill. Now, instead of the meanness being laughed away, everyone stewed a little in the uncomfortableness of the situation. He didn't feel guilty about that as he previously would have, because the one time he had spoken up about it being hurtful everyone had jumped down his throat.
(And because he was petty. That too.)
He stayed still long enough for everyone in the core team and a few besides to confer and set a date. Because of scheduling conflicts between A shift, Athena and Maddie the karaoke evening was set on Tuesday three weeks from now. He quickly put it in his calendar and dropped a question in the group chat with his other friend group. You see, he had an idea...
---
"Are you sure?" Buck looked up from his phone screen at Tony's question. "Yeah, I am." He replied softly. He was sitting in the man's frankly luxurious apartment. He really loved how it was decorated. It was expensive but understated, geared towards comfortableness and managing to have a minimalistic, yet homey feeling.
Tony was sitting at his piano, playing something jazzy. Buck couldn't take his eyes off him. He knew how private the man was and here he sat in his sanctum. Tony either played for strangers or alone, he very rarely let someone he knew listen. He hadn't realised what precious gift he had been given at first, but he had really needed it and the man had been kind enough to reach out his hand this way.
They had bonded over shitty, neglectful childhoods and toxic work environments. Also, Tony has fratboy humour, loves to play pranks and had been considered a manwhore by his former colleagues. Additionally, the man is 12 years older than him, has been really successful in both his careers (college athlete and cop/federal agent), has numerous degrees and is now unit chief of the new FBI behavioural crime unit based in LA.
He bet his teammates would label Tony as a manchild and himbo within minutes of meeting him. To be fair, Tony would be leaning quite hard into those perceptions in response.
(A week later and turned out, he could be even saltier.)
Nobody had told him about the team's karaoke night yet, not even Maddie. Hell, they had even lied to his face when they had been talking about it in his earshot and he couldn't pretend ignorance anymore. He had shown enthusiasm over karaoke but everyone had pretended no date had been set and that they definitely "should compare schedules" one of these days. Thankfully, the tips and tricks Tony had given him to make himself less an open book had worked like a charm. They really thought they had him fooled and not one person showed any sign of guilt or hesitation. Not. One.
So yeah, he was sure. He sent an email to the HR department of the LAFD asking for a meeting. He wanted to transfer and he didn't trust Bobby to react well to that, so HR it was.
He knew he wasn't entirely... reliable, when it came to interpreting his team's behaviour. He had multiple issues concerning attachment and interpersonal relationships, and they definitely influenced how he viewed his teammates' actions. There might be a reasonable explanation, but to be brutally honest? He was tired of second guessing everything and having to analyse each and every confusing or dysfunctional interaction. If it is this hard and painful, working together isn't worth it. If they really wanted a relationship, they could have one outside of work. He didn't expect many, if any, to try. Though he would fight tooth and nail to keep in contact with Christopher. He wouldn't abandon that boy ever again.
"Done." he said, looking back at Tony. The man had stopped playing and focused on him. The corners of his green eyes crinkled and his lips quirked up in a small but sincere smile. "Well done, Buck, I'm proud of you." Buck groaned and clapped his hands to his flaming cheeks. He pressed his face against his knees and pretended they could meld together.
(He was hot now. Very, very hot.)
(Still a little salty.)
---
Buck looked at the people gathered in the parking lot of the karaoke bar. Misha, Peter, Tina, Spencer and Tony were here and all in. And the others of their group were all here in spirit, he knew.
He was awed by their willingness to stand beside him in this bit of spitefulness. He had gotten to know them about two months after the bombing and they had been a godsend. He had been going crazy from loneliness at the time.
True, he had gotten a lot of help the first few months after his injury, especially from Maddie, Eddie and Bobby. Their physical support had been great, driving him around, cleaning, bringing home cooked meals. He had been so very grateful and a little amazed, really. But their emotional support, well... Actually, it had sucked. It felt so very selfish to complain about it, but his feelings were valid. Dr. Copeland said so.
After he finally could move around reliably with his crutches, life had gotten busy for his teammates. So there he had been, living in a loft he had just moved to, to live with a girlfriend who by now had dumped him and dealing with an injury that might disable him for life. And let's not talk about the mental trauma. He had wanted a shoulder to cry on and a positive, upbeat attitude towards his recovery. Instead he got people who helped, but hardly stayed for a social visit. People who told him he needed to be realistic and accept his situation. Looking back, he could see they wanted him to slow down his physical therapy and they just expressed themselves poorly, but at that time he could only be shocked and hurt by their reactions. Especially Eddie's. His best friend and a father who fought so hard for his son's independence, yet there he had been telling Buck to settle and accept his limitations.
He had been fighting an uphill battle against his injury and trauma and his environment's reactions to it all. Carla had been great but he hadn't wanted to overburden her. And so he had felt deeply alone.
It was through therapy he was prodded to find people outside of fire fighting. He wanted to minimise any possible contact with his fire family and so he chose to explore something no one at the fire house knew about him or identified themselves with. He'd discovered early in his twenties that he was genderfluid including non-binary, though he only expressed himself like that in private or at specific parties. Two months after the bombing he attended his first meeting, which turned out to be a session where everyone could meet up, expressing themselves as they liked, while they drank wine and sometimes bitched. It had been fantastic and he had been hooked. These people had welcomed him with open arms and immediately taken him under their wings. He was so very grateful. He didn't want to know where he would be without them. (Probably practicing being the flattest doormat on the planet. 'Please wipe your feet on me.' He could unfortunately imagine.)
Tonight he was the last to arrive, so when Misha noticed him first they waved wildly and bounced around, nearly taking their own eye out. Behind them Peter was watching on with fond amusement while clutching his man purse containing a first aid kit. Smart man. Next to him Tina was waving just as wildly, but with some coordination at least and Spencer was holding a V for Vendetta sign. It was such an apropos pun it surprised a bark of laughter out of him. (In this group he was either Buck when feeling male or V when female, and either when he was neither or both). Meanwhile Tony was looking on with a sly smile while she twirled her finger. And how could he say no to that beautiful woman wearing a cute top, skinny jeans and absolutely killer heels. So twirl he did showing off his pretty, deep pink dress and black pumps. It was such a chore, shaving his legs, chest and armpits but it was worth it. The fabric of his dress felt so very soft against his smooth legs, it was amazing.
"So tonight you're both?" Misha asked. "Either way you're doing it for Tony." They grinned, "And me. You're definitely doing it for me. That stubble, dude. Hot."
Buck blushed and shot a glance at Tony who reached out a knuckle to stroke his stubbly cheek. "Definitely." God, he was going to combust.
---
"So, is your song list finalised? Which are you going to begin with? Is there going to be a duet?" Tina looked at him with wide, excited eyes.
"Uhm, yes, you'll find out, Tony will be singing in the background and only one song is a duet, if we get to it" he grinned at her enthusiasm.
He hoped he could get to it. All the songs were carefully chosen. Yes, he was doing it partly out of spite, but also because it was the truest, most honest way he knew to express himself. Perhaps when his fire family noticed him crashing their party with his own party his appearance might shock them into listening to him without any preconceived notions. Because despite everything he hoped something, anything could be salvaged out of his broken relationships.
Meanwhile, there were drinks to be had and songs to be sung by everyone but him until his teammates were all here. So he pushed away the anxious fluttering in his stomach. Win or lose, tonight would be great because he had his friends by his side. "To us." He raised his glass and everyone followed suit. "To spite." Peter concurred. "To vendettas." Spencer smirked. "To honesty." Tony gave him her softest smile and it settled warmly around his heart.
---
He was nervously waiting by the podium with Tony on their turn to sing. Of course, of course, it had to be Chimney who was currently singing. He had briefly faltered when he'd seen Buck approach and the look of shock had flickered with something unpleasant. He'd double checked with Tony to be sure, but she had seen the same. He briefly tilted his head towards his fire family and Tony nodded to let him know they had noticed him. He turned to them with a blinding smile and waved enthusiastically, then pointed at his own party and mouthed sorry at them. Just look at this complete coincidence! Too bad, so sad, but he already had other plans. Their looks were absolutely hilarious and he had to turn away to avoid laughing hysterically.
His nerves slipped away as soon as he stepped on the podium. He blew a kiss towards his friends and nodded towards his team. At Tony's signal, he lifted his microphone to speak "This song perfectly describes our childhood. It's called Alive by Sia."
'I was born in a thunderstorm
I grew up overnight
I played alone
I played on my own
I survived
Hey
I wanted everything I never had
Like the love that comes with light
I wore envy and I hated that
But I survived
I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go
Where the wind don't change
And nothing in the ground can ever grow
No hope, just lies
And you're taught to cry into your pillow
But I survived
I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm still breathing, I'm still breathing
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I found solace in the strangest place
Way in the back of my mind
I saw my life in a stranger's face
And it was mine'
He turned towards Tony while singing the chorus and they moved together perfectly. She allowed him to let go and sing his heart out and so he did. He closed his eyes and really belted it out. Yes, this song was about pain, but it was an old pain, a familiar one. To him this song was most of all about defiance. To spit in the face of his abusers and keep on keeping on. Never giving in. Even in the darkest times, he was alive, he was still breathing. That was one truth that couldn't be taken away. Unless he was dead, he was breathing.
He always found a strange solace in that.
There was stunned silence after they were finished and then his friends burst into applause. Misha and Tina bounced towards them screaming their heads off. "Oh my god, oh my god!" Misha yelled while gesturing wildly at him. Tina was vibrating in place begging to record this so she could listen to it again and again. He laughed loudly and hugged them. He glanced at his team and saw to his amusement that they looked even more poleaxed now. This was so hilarious.
The next song he sang was weirdly enough the most emotional for him. Unstoppable, also by Sia, spoke to him about the armour of cockiness he used to wear to protect himself. The 118 had wormed their way inside and accepted the needy child within. But it was all a lie. Turns out they tore him wide open, stole his armour and left him bleeding out. And never apologised even once when it all was over. Especially these lines cut deep now:
'Break down, only alone I will cry out loud
You'll never see what's hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah
I know, I've heard that to let your feelings show
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I'm too afraid now
Yeah, yeah'
Okay, not so weird really. This hurt was really fresh. He'd truly trusted his teammates and they broke that trust. True, life would have eventually torn his armour to pieces, showed him the lie for what it was. But it would have been done by strangers, not people he loved. He didn't think he could forgive this, not here, not now. He didn't know how.
Tony took him by the hand when they were done and guided him towards the wall with Buck's back toward the room. She took his face in her hands and wiped his tears away with her thumbs. He pressed his face in her palms and felt unbelievably secure. Loved and cherished like never before. He took a deep breath and let it out on a slow exhale. "I'm ready." He said. She searched his gaze. Calm, steady. "Yeah?" She had been there giving him support, giving him space, knowing he was in love with Eddie and still prepared to wait. He had needed to nurse his broken heart. When he committed to her he wanted to be all in. He still had some healing to do, but he had space now for Tony too.
He didn't want to hurt Eddie, they had been growing towards something. Before Shannon and the bombing, the embolism, the tsunami. The fucking lawsuit. But something had clearly broken between them and his best friend didn't seem to want to repair it. And so he let go, mourned the potential lost. He might always love Eddie, but he chose Tony. "Yeah, I'm sure."
---
There were still songs to sing. Roar by Katy Perry, detailing how he was pushed beyond his breaking point during those awful five months after the lawsuit. He had given his team time to fix it, to at least acknowledge it, see his side too. But he was done. He was ready to be his own hero and move on.
Rise by the same artist was his way of saying goodbye. Of telling them they would only see him from the sidelines now, if they ever cared to look. He wondered if anyone would notice. Hen is perceptive, Eddie reads him well. Athena might have a fresh perspective.
Maddie won't. She'd always been the one to cut and run, never the other way around. The way he'd clung so desperately to any scrap of her attention, she won't ever see this coming. This wouldn't be forever, but he needed to be objective about his sister and her tendency to bulldoze past any boundary he'd tried to place. She was stuck seeing him as that nine year old kid she'd left behind. He needed time and space, they both honestly did. How she reacted to that would determine their future.
Right now, though, none of this mattered. He was here with Tony now, trading soft kisses and swaying in her arms.
Tomorrow would come.