Chapter Text
So much work goes into being the Riddler. Edward knows he makes it look effortless, but that doesn't mean he doesn't toil away. Certainly, the words may come as easily as if he pulled them out of thin air, caught a moment between his fingers, but a riddle is more than just a solitary poem or even a collection of such, not when he does it. No, he has the standards of a first rate Gotham Rogue. Leave the crimes of a string of semi-connected hints and blunt weaponry under a loose theme to the D-string amateurs. Or don't, in fact - after all, they'll just embarrassingly misunderstand the end of the Amarna Period out of a stubborn bias toward their own baseless theories, exactly the sort of person Edward does not want in either of his academias.
A plan by the Riddler must be a masterclass in every form. Literature, history, art, science, mathematics, and technological wonders all carefully, painstakingly woven together and seamlessly and organically tied with his crimes. Edward cuts a piece of his very heart for every scheme. No one can do what he can do. This is why now he toils, performing maintenance on his recovered Riddlerbots whilst planning ahead a comprehensive list of the specific gadgets he will need for his next work. And toil he shall in this cold and lonely workshop from sun up to sunset and from every dusk to daybreak until he has every piece of this puzzle prepared for assembly.
"Oh I’d absolutely destroy Riddler." Well that got him to stop.
Edward's head snaps up, looking over the many monitors he has running in the background, only three of which have audio on. Bruce Wayne! Bruce Wayne is on TV.
Edward scrambles from his desk to the offending monitor and holds the rewind button just above the dusty DVR, long obsolete given Edward automatically keeps a digital copy of everything streamed here, though it is useful to retain the option of keeping something physical.
"Oh I'd absolutely destroy Riddler," Bruce Wayne says, on live TV, sounding so assured in his stupid airhead voice. "I wouldn’t stop 'til he passed out from exhaustion." Hmph! Just what is he trying to pull? Edward nearly starts a fit before he thinks context may be needed here. He rewinds back further towards the beginning of the segment.
"And we are joined by our city's own Bruce Wayne this morning. Can we give him a hand?" The studio audience applauds on cue. "Mr. Wayne, thank you for joining us."
"Happy to be here, Donna," Brucie replies with a megawatt smile. He's doing his best to match the morning show host's level of pep, god help him. "I'm a big fan of Wake Up With D&D." Liar.
"Well, that's so great to hear. Wake Up With D&D is a big fan of you! Now, we're actually going to do something a little different..."
"No baking segment?"
"HAHA no. It was actually a suggestion." Donna does an exaggerated wink at that and pushes Bruce's knee. Disgusting. "This one is a little risque. We are going to play Smash or Pass with the villains of Gotham City." WHAT?
Edward pauses the video. WHAT? Just... huh? He needs a second to restore his willpower. Sure, he knows he and his friends are deserving of admiration, but from a public relations standpoint, he cannot objectively understand where Donna (or Dan) are coming from. No, stay objective. If this segment is happening, then Bruce Wayne is likely doing it for a reason. Whatever is about to be said next requires his full attention with no allowing his mind to wander. The evidence must be accepted without judgement or bias before he draws conclusions. Resolved, he presses play.
"You know how to play this, right, Brucie?"
"I do, Donna. Do you need to explain it to the folks at home?"
"Why don't we do it together?"
"Hrm."
"Well here I've got for you photos of the biggest names of the Rogues Gallery which I will also be showing on this screen for our wonderful studio audience. I'll hand you a photo, and you tell us: would you smash or would you pass? Why don't you make clear what that means for the viewers who don't have kids."
"You're asking me if I'll sleep with them."
"Oh, try to look a bit more excited."
"You told me I have to do this without saying the F-word. This is about as excited as I can get myself to look."
"Well I can perk you up right now. Our first Rogue, Catwoman: smash or pass?"
"Oh, smash!" Bruce crows and exaggerates himself looking at the photo. "Any day of the week! I would consider it an honor to have welts from that whip on me."
"Ha, I knew that one would perk you up. The men love a bad girl. Am I right, audience?" The audience, whatever their real views may be, cheer obediently.
"Next up is another man-killer. We have Poison Ivy! Smash or pass?"
There is stuttered cheering from the crowd again, though Bruce seems less interested than before. "Well she has sex pollen, so it may be hard to avoid," he reasons.
Donna continues without falter. "And what about the last siren, Harley Quinn: smash or pass?"
"Smash." Bruce shrugs. "Harley and I could definitely do it, but it wouldn't change anything between us. You know?"
"A one-night stand? Drank too much vodka, decided to never speak of it again?"
"More like she'd start making out with me out of boredom."
"Oh stop." Donna playfully slaps Bruce's thigh. Riddler notes this with no judgement whatsoever. "And what about her better half, the Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker?"
Bruce shows some discomfort around the eyes. "Leaving him out entirely could be dangerous, so I see why he's included. Now that we've acknowledged him, I would like to say no comment."
"No comment? That's not a no!"
"It's a no comment."
"Alright, alright. Then what do you say about the Riddler?"
Bruce takes a good look at the new photo in his hands. The picture displayed of himself is, if he does say so himself, one of his better ones. Yes, he was prepared for the camera that day, and he looks utterly adorable. Brucie smiles at it without looking up and speaks so casually as if he were making a drink order. "Oh I’d absolutely destroy Riddler. I wouldn’t stop til he passed out from exhaustion."
"You'd smash the Riddler?" Donna playfully smacks his thigh again.
"Hey," Bruce defends, "You're the one who asked. I bet he'd go sweet if you tie him down."
"You're a bit of a freak, aren't you, Mr. Wayne? Then you'll love the next one. Scarecrow: smash or pass?"
Brucie clicks his tongue. "It could be really hot, but in the end, I think I’d say no. I am so, so into women who can crush me like a bug, but there’s something about when a guy is too insistent on being in charge that takes me out of sexy brain entirely. I think it, like, puts me back into boarding school, in my head. Like, 'No, Hesten Peirce, of room 34A Haleowell Hall, if you ever bother me or Toby again, I’m going to break into your dorm, burn all of your textbooks, and take your pet frog.'"
Donna laughs loudly. "What did you do with the frog?" she asks.
“Oh I watched over him and then I gave him back after a week when I realized Hesten actually cared about him.”
"So that really happened?"
"Of course. Boys schools are a nightmare. I'll stop myself before I go on."
"We are on the clock. So, Penguin: smash or pass?"
"Pass. I just can't see it happening..."
"Alright. Mad Hatter: smash or pass?"
"How did he make it onto this list? Well he has mind control, right, so it's pretty much the same thing as Poison Ivy."
"And lastly we have Two-Face. Smash or Pass, Mr. Wayne?"
"I mean, Harvey and I were really close friends so..." He licks his lower lip and gives Donna an especially salacious look.
"Oh my, do you kiss and tell, Mr. Wayne?"
"I didn't say anything, Donna." He rests his head on his hand, elbow on the arm of his seat, leaning in close and conspiratorial to her. "Is that something you're into?"
"Oh we don't have time to get into my list," Donna laughs off, media trained and unmoored.
Hmmm. Edward made it past the goodbyes and the entire next segment with Bill Hader as the next guest before rewinding and rewatching Bruce's answers two more times. Then he switches the monitor to a different input and walks back to his work table. He passes over his treasured Riddlebot, saved from scrap, and sits down at his keyboard instead, using a different, closer monitor to go into the file of saved videos. He goes into today and makes a copy of Feed 2, then cuts down the video from 06:52:49 to just the relevant 00:05:23 and saves it under a new name. He then opens up a phone line and dials an important number.
"Yes?" asks the person on the other line, "Who is this?"
"JONATHON ARE YOU WATCHING THE CHANNEL FOUR NEWS?!"
Edward is met with a brief silence and then a sigh. "Edward, how the fuck did you get this number?"
"JONATHON TURN ON THE NEWS THE BATMAN IS TALKING ABOUT US!"
"Please. Tone down your voice if you wish for me to listen."
"HOW COULD THAT BE IMPORTANT TO YOU RIGHT NOW? YOU HEARD ME DIDN'T YOU? BATMAN is on LIVE TELEVISION talking about ALL OF US! He called Oswald an idiot-"
"Edward."
"Our Oswald!"
"Edward."
"It's fine if I say it, but him?"
"I am hanging up now, Edward."
"Wait no no no don't. I emailed it to you. Go watch it and come back. It's super important."
Edward hears a sigh that went on five beats longer than a conversational sigh, which means Jon will do something, but he's going to be a dick about it. Well this is actually important! And full of things they need to discuss seriously.
Jon does not give Edward any affirmation, simply leaves the phone on the line and walks away for roughly six and a half minutes all while Eddie waits extremely patiently for his return.
"Why," he hears, "Did you have me step away to watch that?"
Edward sputters. "Well he clearly thinks you have something to say to me!"
It takes to a count of ten before Jon speaks to him again. "How do you figure that, Edward?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Humor me."
He says it with the dry tone he uses every time he tells Eddie how highly he respects him, a tone that Edward has learned to take as a Schrödinger's box of sarcasm. Still, Eddie will. "Hmph, fine. I can't expect everyone to be as naturally brilliant as me."
"Certainly not, Edward."
"Not to mention, Batman's code here was both crude and poorly made. It took even me two watch-throughs to be absolutely certain of what I was hearing -though most of that was due to the disbelief- much like a programmer showing their advanced skills by being able to parse an amateur's programming."
"I'm sure. Could you get on with it?"
"Yes, of course. The message."
"Mmmhm."
"The answers he gives to each name - did you notice any pattern?"
"Edward-"
"Right sorry, I'll cut to the chase: he was commenting on who knows his identity!" Eddie waited several seconds for his enthusiasm to be returned, for his colleague to go, "Of course! You're a genius!" He did not get this. So, he continues. "Think about it from the beginning. He almost married Selina, so he said yes to Catwoman with fervor and admiration, saying it would be his honor, because she is someone he chose to divulge his identity to - out of love!
In contrast, Ivy's pheromones - people like Ivy, Tetch, and Strange - they have all had ample chance to be in his brain with his defenses compromised, ergo, he finds it is more likely than unlikely that they know. Furthermore, he makes it clear that if they are to know he's Batman, it is not something he is happy about.
Harley treats Batman so casually that even if she does know - which it is probable she does - it would not change anything about their relationship. Conversely, Dent held such a close, personal relationship with Bruce Wayne that his double life as The Dark Knight may have been a secret that was never withheld from him, or if it was, Batman expects Harvey knows him well enough to have added two and two together by now.
And he outright said he can't even imagine Oswald to have caught on. His arrogance will be his downfall."
Jonathon almost considered saying something to that, but Edward kept going. "But for what purpose would he acknowledge us all in this way, I hear you thinking. Now I've thought of that, too. His statement on the Joker makes it clear that he is cognizant we are all going to hear this. Of course we are. And he wants us to. If, hypothetically, this puff segment had just been a display in stupidity to reinforce his public persona, he would have had such subject matter pulled and replaced. He holds ample power to do so, and, as he himself acknowledged, televising such a crude game that uses Gotham Rogues by name holds inherent, unnecessary danger. When I say it is of the highest probability that this was all a message specifically for us, I did not jump any guns."
Jonathon really wants him to stop.
"And that brings us to his most stand-out answer-"
"Let me guess," he finally interrupts, "You?"
"Naturally! Though, if you should notice, I have saved your assessment to the end as well."
"Which is why you called me," Jonathon groans. He is going to have a migraine after this conversation.
"Yes, I'm getting to that. While my answer was spectacular, yours was the only one to receive an anecdote. Do you have any guesses as to what this means?"
"Perhaps-"
"No, wait. Patience. Let me introduce mine first."
"You don't want to save the best for last?"
It's that same dry tone, but Eddie, as he usually does, chooses to answer at face value. "I am saving the most significant for last."
"Carry on then."
"I would love to. As we agree, my answer is a stand-out. Batman said he'd "destroy me" and "wouldn't stop until I pass out from exhaustion" and that he's interested in "tying me down." Now on the surface, once you pass the layer of innuendo, it sounds like a simple threat of violence, does it not? A taunt that he could physically overpower me with ease should I ever divulge his identity. But then I thought! He's enough of a thug to make such a threat, sure, but he handles all of us that way. So why would he say it just for me, what's the standout? That brings me back to the purpose of the list in general.
He would "smash" and with vigor, though he paints himself as the dominant. Compare it to Selina, who he would submit to. He willingly gave her his identity, and he is happy about it; I discovered his identity without his intention, and he's still happy about it. Unlike Ivy or Tetch, who could conceivably force the information, I formed the conclusion with nothing but my own inductive reasoning. As Batman sees himself as a detective, he likely views mind control as cheating, and admits that I discovered him in a way he accepts."
"I believe you are projecting again, Edward."
"Quiet. I'm not done."
"Of course you're not."
"Shh. He would not only "smash" but would "destroy me" because he knows I beat him fair and square. Much like a persistence predator, he will pursue me until I pass out from exhaustion. He will follow our rivalry for the rest of his life. And if he could, he would like to tie me down, and he believes I want the same."
Jonathon became certain this wasn't going anywhere useful at least three inductions ago, and frankly, it shows a great deal of restraint and a great deal of care for Edward that he still has yet to hang up. He comforts himself with the knowledge that, by Edward's own count, there is only one Smash or Pass left to overanalyze: his own - oh god, that's not a comfort at all; that's further reason to make him wish to hang up. He can't listen to this nonsense about himself. "Edward," he says firmly, no longer dry and lilting. "I am not going to waste my time listening to whatever erotomania has led you to twist Bruce Wayne's public admission that you are one of his many, many objects of carnal desire into a conspiracy theory that proves Batman is in love with you."
"Sees me as his #1 nemesis."
"Those things are synonymous to you!"
"Hmph, I'd think I'd know what things were synonymous to me. Nevertheless, there is no need to lash out with jealousy."
"I am not jealous of -"
"No, you are. You're so obvious even Batman's figured you out.
Now, let's look at yours. He "passes" on you with the caveat that it "could be really hot" and a degree of uncertainty. He is unsure whether you know his identity or not. However, he does not treat you with the dispassion he answers for Ivy and Tetch. Logically, had you discovered Bruce Wayne is Batman, it would be through the use of debilitating fear toxin; however, he seems to have higher respect for you than this, believing that if you were to discover him, it would be through your own intelligence."
"My fear toxin is the work of my own intelligence."
"Yes, you know that, and I know that, but Batman holds only his own values. The takeaway here is that he holds you in high regard. Not higher than me -"
"Clearly."
"-but in high regard. That brings us to the anecdote."
"And we are done after this, correct?"
"Yes, the pinnacle of this whole charade. Tell it back to me as you recall it."
"No."
"Fine. Then I will. After giving his stance on if he believes you know his identity, Bruce Wayne goes on to say and I quote, 'There’s something about when a guy is too insistent on being in charge that takes me out of sexy entirely. I think it puts me back into boarding school in my head. “No, Hesten Peirce, of room 34A Haleowell Hall, if you ever bother me or Toby again, I will to break into your dorm, burn all of your textbooks, and take your pet frog."' And then when asked what did with the frog: 'I watched over him and then I gave him back after a week when I realized Hesten actually cared about him.'"
"Control being taken away reminding him of childhood trauma is perfectly expected-"
"Yes, yes, orphan boy vengeance, it's not special -"
"I suppose the fear which drives him not extending to women as much could interest-
"No, you're not getting it! It's about the FROG, Jonathon!"
"...Edward..." Jonathon says, "Please discard this number and never call here again."
Edward listens to the dial tone for a full thirty seconds before hanging up and dialing again.
He has to dial four times before Jonathon picks up. Now, fearing he'll get hung up on again, Edward rushes out the words to his brilliant conclusion in building crescendo. "Bruce returned the frog when he realized the schoolboy who acts as your domineering stand-in truly cared for him."
"Oh no..."
"Oh yes! I told you it was an artless message from the beginning. Jonathon Crane, Batman just gave you his blessing to ask me out - on live TV!"