Chapter Text
"Can't make a baby with that,"
Those words repeated themselves in Maya's head over, and over, like a broken record. That was Maya Bishop. That was the eyes forward, the brokenness and the unresolved trauma that was manifesting itself. It had been quite some time since the blonde had felt this reckless, this amount of grief and pain. Her thoughts were swirling in her head, and Carina's words from their argument terrorized her... I don't know if you know how to live a normal life... you constantly cause chaos... and you're always in the middle of it... we were happy, and you had to go and wreck it...
Maya slept at the station. Weeks passed, and she refused to go back to their apartment, back to her home... back to her wife. She didn't even bother plugging in her phone, and was happy to watch it die. The blonde didn't want to talk to people, to let them in on her darkness. They didn't deserve to be burdened with her problems.
For years, Maya struggled with passive suicidality. Those thoughts rushed back with a rampant force, and the beloved, walls down Maya Bishop turned back into the former Olympian, eyes forward, icy blonde that she once was. The one who barked out orders, shut people out, didn't take care of herself and didn't care how harsh she was to those around her.
Her team noticed this change instantly, and while they were worried, knew not to step in just yet. Maya was capable of getting herself out of her funks, but this one... this one felt different.
Maya didn't sleep, didn't eat. She ran; on the treadmill consistently. Even when they would get back from a draining call, the blonde would make a beeline for the treadmill. She ran for hours at a time, until her legs would give out and she couldn't move. She craved that feeling of bliss when she collapsed on the floor, her body spent and unable to support her. That felt like a victory.
While she ran, her thoughts seemed more manageable. Simply put, the blonde was exhausted. Not just physically, from the lack of food and water put in her system, but from her mind running circles around her.
As expected, her team noticed her body getting thinner, her face getting more gaunt, and the dark circles under her eyes looking more prominent each day. She was running herself into the ground, and the leadership at station nineteen couldn't give a damn.
Finally, Ben could take this silence from the blonde no longer. Frustrated that no one had stepped in earlier, he sought her out, coming into the bunk that the blonde was curled up in, staring wordlessly at the ceiling. Her once electric blue eyes looked empty... empty of life, and that sight terrified him. "Maya, something's wrong. You've been a mess for weeks, and I need you to talk to me. I'm worried,"
"I don't have the energy to talk. Just leave me alone," Maya replied, trying to be harsh, but her voice escaped as a whimper. She hated how vulnerable she sounded, but she lacked the ability to fight any longer. All of her willpower was spent just keeping herself alive, and she was exhausted.
Ben shook his head, knowing better than to let her be alone with her thoughts. "I don't want to-"
"I said, leave me alone!" Maya snapped, her eyes full of tears. Seeing she was serious and that she wasn't budging on this, Ben nodded, closing the door silently.
The blonde sobbed into a pillow, screaming into it to try and alleviate some of this pain inside her. She felt like she would explode, feeling so burnt out, so exhausted that even blinking felt impossible. How much longer could she do this dance?
There was always a solution, a nasty voice inside her head echoed out. Was that relatively dramatic? She didn't think so... Carina was done with her, and so was her team. They were tired of Maya, and quite frankly, so was she. Maya was done trying to function, done feeling like her existence was pointless.
Finally, she deserved peace and quiet.
So, the blonde opened the door. Looking to see that no one would spot her, as Ben had gone from his post outside her door, Maya crept to the doorway to go up to the roof. It was the place where she went to be alone with her thoughts, something that happened more frequently lately.
As soon as the crisp Seattle air hit her, the blonde breathed a sigh of relief. Maya wasn't sure what led her to the edge. Her feet just carried her there, and she wasn't one to protest. Her thoughts grew louder, and the same tortuous ones repeated themselves over and over. Can't make a baby with that... I don't know if you know how to live a normal life... you constantly cause chaos, and you're always in the middle of it... we were happy, and you had to go and wreck it...
All of those things were right, in retrospect. Every single one of them. Maya didn't know how to live a normal life by any means; how was she supposed to know? She didn't have any example, and the rules pounded into her as a child didn't quite cover how to be a functioning human being. She wrecked everything... but not for long.
Maya would fix what she broke.
Meanwhile, Andy had also been worrying about Maya. While she was still frustrated about the fact that the blonde blackmailed the Chief, she could see that the blonde was struggling. Maya wasn't okay, that much was clear, and more important than whatever grudges they had.
So for now, the Latina put aside her anger, and sought out the blonde. Andy headed into the change room, and saw Ben standing vigil outside the door to a bunk room.
"What are you doing?" she asked, looking from him to the door.
"I'm worried about Maya," he admitted quietly, and Andy sighed in agreement, nodding her head sadly. She went to open the door to the bunk, but Ben stopped her.
"I've already tried that, but she wants to be alone," he explained. The Latina understood, but the silence coming from that room told her something else. She opened the door, and saw that there was no one inside. Ben took one look at the empty bed, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and met Andy's concerned eyes.
"Something is very wrong," Andy whispered. The two quickly went to find the team, who were dozing and hanging out in the beanery. After a long day of calls, the team was getting their much needed rest. "Has anyone seen Bishop?" Ben asked, breaking the comfortable bubble of happiness in the room.
"She's probably sulking," Robert scoffed dismissively, having had enough of Maya's antics.
Andy smacked his arm. "Stop! I know what Maya did was wrong, but it's clear that she's not well, and that's more important right now," she retorted, and Robert swallowed his words, knowing it was true. He could see it... they all could see it.
"Have you seen her eat or drink in the last week alone? I can't remember the last time she ate," Vic worried.
"She's self-destructing," Travis commented sadly, his heart breaking for his teammate. To see their friend hurting like this was difficult for all of them, but it was hard to intervene, especially when it was Maya. The blonde was impossibly stubborn, so their help often didn't do anything.
"Hmmm... I haven't seen her," Theo replied, meeting his friend's eyes.
"Should we be worried?" Andy asked the group, and everyone sighed.
"I've checked everywhere, and she's not there," Ben replied.
"Have you checked the roof? That's where she goes to process her emotions," Jack supplied, and Ben's eyes widened.
"Let's just get this straight. Maya, who hasn't eaten, drank or slept in god knows how long, hasn't seen or spoken to her wife in weeks, and is pushing herself to her breaking point... is on the roof?" Ben echoed, and everyone paled upon realizing what this could mean.
"Get Carina on the phone, now. I'll get Diane," Vic snapped, and everyone burst into activity.
Maya wasn't going to do anything rash. She was fine, after all. Sure, her body was falling apart... so was her job... her life... her marriage... but she was fine! The blonde felt saltiness against her lips, and realized that she was crying. Who was she kidding? Captain- no... wait... Lieutenant Maya Bishop wasn't fine. She didn't even feel alive anymore... and it was her fault.
She was a monster. Maya had made the world around her fall apart. She loathed how destructive she was... just like her father. She ruined her marriage, ruined her work life, made her friends loathe her... she ruined everything.
Ruined, ruined, ruined.
The blonde choked on a sob. It was pathetic of her. What was the point in even existing anymore? All the blonde did was make mistake after mistake. She didn't know how to live a normal life, and she ruined everything. Maya hurt people... she didn't deserve happiness, or friends, or anything. She deserved to feel like this.
"I don't know how much longer I can take this," she whispered to herself.
It was clear that her passive suicidality was no longer passive.
Maya looked down at the city in the distance, and the road beneath her. It was peaceful to see how small things were, and helped put things into perspective. Out of habit, she thought of dying. Maya thought about dying ever since she was twelve years old. It soothed her when nothing else would. She fantasized about the day that her thoughts would slow and finally stop. They wouldn't bother her anymore, and those clouds... they tempted her. They looked so soft... so inviting... the blonde desperately wanted to step into them, and be wrapped up, to be warm, and safe.
She craved it, more than she ever desired anything. Was she really doing this? Maya didn't know... but she knew this would solve everything.
The nasty voice continued to talk inside her head. Just do it... Everyone was better without you...you'd be doing them a favour, Maya. All you do is cause chaos, and no one needs that in their lives. No one needs you in their lives.
She stood on one foot, dangled the other over the edge. That weightlessness was blissful, and it was hard not to do anything right now, at that moment.
Doing this would destroy Carina... and her team. Would Maya even do that to her team; leave on her own terms without saying goodbye? She would take a piece of them with her when she left, and knowing this would hurt her loved ones significantly was the only reason she was still alive right now.
Could she do that? Could she be that selfish?
The voice in her head responded to that thought. You deserve to be selfish for once... you've had a life of pain... just do this one thing for yourself... it all will be over soon...
Before she could even think further about stepping off the roof, the door burst open, and Maya whirled around to see her team, and her wife. Her Italian, who Maya had fantasized about for weeks... she must be hallucinating. But it looked so real…
Carina looked at the woman on the edge of the roof, her wife, and was horrified. No... Her beloved blonde, her baby, her best friend, her sweet, loving Maya... one thing was for sure; this person was not her wife. Carina didn't even recognize this person. Tears were already blurring her vision.
This version of Maya was skin and bones, and no life or sparkle in her blue eyes... and was in a worse mental state than when the Italian had first met her.
Maya had run herself so far down that she was willing to jeopardize her life... willingly.
"Bella... what's happened to you?" Carina sobbed, tears flowing down her olive-skinned face. For a split second, Maya was tempted to step off the edge, and wipe her wife's tears away. The team saw the shift, the moment where the walls-down and stable Maya peeked out, but then the eyes-forward captain shoved her way forward.
"Nothing's happened," Maya grumbled.
"You're on the edge of the roof, and that's scaring me," Carina whispered, her voice desperate through her tears.
"I deserve it," Maya insisted in a monotone, turning around again, looking back at the ground. Her whole body ached, and those clouds were calling her name, and it was getting difficult to resist that temptation. Maya... come lay down...
"Please, bambina. Please come down," Carina begged, her entire body trembling.
"I can't... I shouldn't. You shouldn't even be here," Maya whispered. That's right... shut them out.
"Of course I would be here, bella. You're my wife-"
"Not if I haven't wrecked that, too, I wreck everything, and you shouldn't even bother with me anymore" Maya seethed, her anger whirling inside her.
"How could you say that, Maya? I made a promise to you when we got married, and I'm not going anywhere without you!" Carina exclaimed through her tears.
The blonde shook her head as she turned back around. Didn't they understand that she was tired of fighting? She was exhausted, her body screamed and her brain was whirling. Maya didn't want to feel any more, she just wanted silence. She craved the warmth, and nothingness that those clouds offered her. She shuffled further forward to get a better look at the ground when a voice interrupted her daze.
"Maya, talk to me, please," Diane Lewis interjected, pushing her way forward. Of course they'd called the therapist. Maya wanted to scream in frustration, but even in her eyes-forward state, she knew that she was in trouble. Just come lay down... you can finally rest...
"What's the point? You're just here out of obligation," Maya snarled.
"I care about you, Maya," Diane stated calmly.
"That's a waste of time," Maya barked out, feeling vindictive.
Diane shook her head, which infuriated the blonde. "I don't think that it's a waste of time. You deserve people in your life who care about you-"
"Deserve. What a shitty word, don't you think? I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve anyone or anything good, I deserve to hurt, I deserve to be stepping off this edge. Don't pretend otherwise," Maya spat, her chest heaving with emotion.
"That's not true," Vic interjected, her voice thick with tears.
The blonde spun around, and for a moment, her heart stuttered. Her entire team was there, watching the blonde self-destruct, and they were a mess. They were worried. That in itself hurt her, made her want to step down, to reassure them that it was all okay. That same walls down Maya peeking out, but then the anger in her came rushing to the surface and eyes-forward crushed everything but those angry thoughts.
Remember... if you accept it, you will finally have that silence... think of how nice it will be...
"You know that's a lie, Victoria. You know it is. I don't know how to live a normal life! Carina even said it herself. All I do is cause chaos, I don't know how to live, to love, or to be happy! I hurt people, and I've hurt all of you. I've broken this house, I've ruined everything. So don't come at me saying that I deserve better, because you're wrong!" Maya yelled, choking on a sob as she turned back around to face the edge again.
Everyone's words were beginning to sway her, and she hated it.
"Maya, please! I need you. I need you! What I said the other night... I should not have said it like that. I'm sorry that this department has failed you. I'm sorry they couldn't even give you a fair trial. I'm sorry that you've been punished for so long. You deserve better! You deserve better, bambina. Just because of what you've been through does not make you undeserving. Your father was so, so fucking wrong, Maya Bishop. Bella, you deserve everything, and if you'll let me, I want to give it to you. I'm sorry that I didn't see how much you were hurting, and I should have pushed for you to get help. I'm sorry that you grew up not being loved, but look around you, tesoro! You've got a whole crowd of people here who care so much about you. They need you, almost as much as I do. Please, look at me, my love," Carina sobbed.
The blonde turned around, tears flowing down her face as the walls down Maya looked at her wife. There was no more anger fuelling her. Seeing Maya devoid of life in her eyes, devoid of determination or spunk... was horrifying.
"I just want everything to stop... I'm so tired of being defeated. Everyone wins, I lose. I'm done, Carina. I just want to finally be free," she whispered.
Carina choked on her tears, nodding at the blonde's words. "I know, bambina... I know you're hurting, but we're here. This feeling will pass. I cannot live in a world where you're not by my side. You are my whole universe, Maya... and I love you more than words can say. Can you step down for me? We can help you," she pleaded.
Diane nodded. "What your wife said is completely true, we can help you. Just step down and we can talk about this. This is completely fixable, Maya. It's by no means permanent," she reminded.
"Why does it feel like it is? I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to live anymore. Just let me go," Maya whimpered, her body shaking with exhaustion.
"I promise, these feelings are not permanent. Feelings change, as do job rankings. Just come down for me, please," Diane coaxed.
"We need you, Maya," Andy said through her own tears, and the team nodded, all of them distraught to see their friend this way.
"Please, tesoro. I need you with me," Carina begged.
Maya looked at her wife, her friends and her therapist. She could see their pain, and knowing that it was her fault made her want to launch herself off of the roof. But... they made compelling points. Surely this demotion that Chief Ross and Beckett were taunting her with wouldn't last forever. Plus, her team... they said they needed her. They wouldn't lie... well, about this, anyway.
Carina... her Italian needed her, too. She had said it herself, murmured it frequently. "two halves of one whole," she would say about their marriage, and that phrase alone Maya knew her wife wouldn't say lightly. While their marriage hadn't been perfect, it was fixable. They complimented each other immensely, they were the ying to each other's yang. The light to their darkness. Fights happen, and the blonde knew she needed help.
Wasn't that what their fight was about?
Maya's eyes filled with tears, and her lip wobbled as she broke down, kneeling down on the edge and sobbing. She was so broken, so vulnerable, but she didn't have the energy to hate how exposed she was.
Seeing her wife's distress, Carina walked up to the edge, holding her arms out for Maya. "Just one step towards me, bella. I know you can do it," she cooed, and with that, the blonde crawled towards her wife and melted into the Italian's arms.
Her emotions starting back up again as she cried her heart out into Carina's shoulder, wrapping her frail body around Carina with every bit of strength she had.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
Carina was there to ground her girl, quickly moving away from the edge of the roof. "I'm here, I've got you, amore. I'm never, ever letting go of you," she breathed out over and over.
She mouthed for Ben to text his wife to have a bed in psych ready for the blonde, and the firefighter nodded. Even though nothing was solved, the clouds receded while Maya was in the Italian's embrace. They knew how important Carina was to Maya, so they quieted slightly.
The group waited minutes until Carina had calmed the blonde enough so that she wouldn't climb back on the edge, rubbing Maya’s back and whispering to her encouragingly.
"Are we okay to walk?" Travis asked gently, rubbing Maya's shoulder reassuringly.
"W-w-where are w-we going?" Maya stuttered with a childlike innocence, and the Italian continued to hold her tightly, knowing that her wife's love language was physical touch.
"I think we should go to the hospital, my love. You need some food, and some fluids," Carina soothed, and even as they took a step, Maya's legs gave out from underneath her, but Carina caught her.
The Italian would always catch her.
"Why don't I carry her?" Jack offered, and Carina nodded, sniffling, needing to grab Maya's things and to get some reassuring hugs of her own, in which Vic was the first to give. Jack picked the blonde up, who was still so distraught. He hated how light his friend was, despised how he could feel every single one of her bones.
"It gets better, you know. I've been there," he whispered, and Maya continued to sob. The Latina held Maya's hand firmly, and they all walked together to the aid car. The blonde didn't have the energy to protest, so the team loaded her up into the car, on the stretcher, with Carina, Travis and Vic jumping in.
"I'm not going anywhere," Vic insisted, and Travis nodded in agreement, knowing the two needed moral support, and needing to provide this in honour of themselves and the rest of the team. The Italian was grateful for more support, and Ben got into the drivers' seat.
Beckett watched this all happen, sipping his coffee silently. Although he hadn't said anything, he felt guilty. Once the aid car pulled out, Andy punched her superior on the arm as hard as she could.
"You helped do this!" she spat, tears gushing down her face. She glared at him, and then stalked back off.
The captain sighed. As much as he wanted to disagree, he did. He'd antagonized Bishop, and the fact that he saw her struggle and continued to push her, made him feel like shit. He had a hand in destroying the mentality of a good firefighter on his team. The captain pulled out his phone, finding Natasha Ross' name in his contact list.
Beckett: I think we should reconsider Bishop's demotion
Ross: In what way? She tried to blackmail me, Sean. She doesn't deserve the captaincy!
Beckett: Well, I just watched her try to throw herself off the station's roof.
Less than ten seconds after he sent that, his phone rang. Picking up the phone, his boss spluttered with surprise. "Bishop- what?"
"She finally broke down, it was a matter of time. We went too far. She made some good points, too in her little rant... everyone makes mistakes, Natasha-"
"Chief, you mean," Ross corrected.
He scoffed. "Whatever. I'm saying that everyone makes mistakes. I'm not saying that because Bishop's tried to kill herself that she should get her job back, but..."
Beckett sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "She's good at what she does, and she's too damn good to be on the sidelines. The team rallies around her, more than they've ever rallied around me. They need someone they can thrive under. That's... that's what this station needs. We need to give her a real investigation,"
There was a long pause. "Okay, I'll consider it," she said, hanging up. Beckett popped a mint in his mouth, and sat down at his desk. Maybe sometimes, he could do the right thing.
The aid car arrived at the hospital minutes later, and as per Maya's request, there were no sirens, no rush. It was just her, the Italian, and her friends. Miranda Bailey knew to be expecting them, and waited with a small team of doctors. Ben jumped out, opening the doors and the group made their way inside, keeping the blonde calm as they went.
She was led into an exam room, where Owen Hunt and Miranda Bailey, two doctors that Maya chose, worked.
They gave her a gown, and Carina helped her wife change. Seeing how thin and frail her wife was nearly made Carina vomit; her skin was paler than she'd ever seen, the rings of exhaustion around her eyes... and those bones… those shocking protruding bones… were too prominent for the Italian's liking.
It was horrifying. Carina hid her emotions, keeping calm and gentle with Maya, who was incredibly vulnerable and needed a level-headed Carina by her side.
The blonde still hadn't spoken since they were at the station, and wordlessly followed the doctor's orders. Maya laid down, and was given a barrage of medications and fluids to help rehydrate and calm her. The Italian never once left her wife's side, smoothing Maya's hair back and wiping her wife's tears. The blonde clung to her brunette desperately.
It was Carina... always Carina.
She hummed to the blonde in Italian, holding Maya's hand tightly. Whether it was due to the medication or Carina, the blonde calmed down significantly, allowing people to poke and prod her, which normally she would be fighting about.
A knock sounded, and an unfamiliar face poked her head in. "My name is Yelena Romanov, and I'm from psych," she introduced gently, and the blonde's peace bubble popped immediately upon those words.
"C-car, n-n-no," Maya stuttered, beginning to panic. "Bambina, it's alright. Remember, you need to get through this, bene?" Carina soothed.
"You can do this, Mai. You're the toughest cookie," Travis assured, and Vic nodded. "And the yummiest-" she added with a wink.
"Read the room, you clown," Travis snapped back, elbowing Vic in the stomach, who then went to slap him but was separated by Miranda Bailey, who shooed them out.
Yelena could sense the blonde's apprehension. "I've heard you're not feeling very good, Maya, and I'm sorry to hear that. Feeling like this is completely normal, and we're all here to help you bounce back," she soothed.
"I c-can't g-g-go into psych," Maya choked out, her heart rate rising quickly.
"Bella, it's alright... Feel my hand... can you focus on my hand?" Carina soothed, and with her wife's help, the blonde took deep breaths.
The Italian continued to coach her wife until her panic had receded enough for the psych doctor to continue speaking.
"We can work something out. After all, we are here to support you," Yelena reassured.
It took a while, but after the three of them (as the blonde kept dissociating, so Carina helped talk on her behalf) made a safety plan, the Italian lovingly held Maya's face, kissing it softly until the blonde came back from wherever she went retreating inside her head.
"We've made a safety plan, bella. Do you want me to explain it, or Doctor Romanov?" she asked gently.
"Y-y-you," Maya stuttered, her emotions still high.
"Tesoro, you're going to stay here for at least a couple days. Vic went to the apartment to get you some of my clothes, and my favourite sweater so you know that I'm right there with you. When Doctor Romanov feels confident in your progress, you can come home with me. I will take some time off of work, and we will get you feeling better as soon as we can. Diane will come and chat with you every day,"
"I d-don't want you to leave," Maya cried, feeling desperately alone.
"Maya, I need you to breathe. Here, feel my heartbeat. It beats for you, bella," Carina cooed, taking her wife's hand and placing it just above her heart. The blonde hiccuped as she felt the beating of the Italian's heart, the proof that her favourite person was here and that she wasn't going anywhere.
"Bene... va bene. Bambina, remember what I said on our wedding day? I love you, and choose you forever. I'm not going anywhere, and I will be right here, waiting for when you get out. Right now, I'm not equipped to help you, and Doctor Romanov is. I need her to help take care of my love, so she will. Once she feels that you're safe, then I will come and get you and we will heal from this, together," Carina soothed, wiping her blonde's tears.
"Here's what you asked for," Vic said, handing the Italian a bag of clothes, toiletries and things Maya would need.
"I promise, you will be just fine. You are my baby, and I love you. Now, come give me a hug," Carina reassured, wrapping her wife in a firm hug. The blonde sobbed into her wife's shoulder, and the brunette just held her, soothing her and humming.
A knock interrupted them, and Travis poked his head inside. "It's from all of us, so you know we care," Travis explained, handing a stuffed bear to the Italian.
Carina took out the ribbon in her hair, and tied it around the bear's arm. "Whenever you miss me, give this bear a hug," Carina instructed, handing it to Maya.
"I w-won't be able t-t-to do anything else c-cause I'll b-b-be hugging it t-the whole t-t-time," Maya teased, sniffling as she calmed down.
The Italian laughed, happy to see more of the wife she knew and loved. "There's my comedian!" she chuckled, and Maya nuzzled into her wife wordlessly, pressing a gentle kiss to the brunette's neck. She never wanted Carina to leave, but the increase in medications that were now influencing her brain (as well as the Italian) had convinced the blonde that this was absolutely needed.
"Ti amo sempre, Maya Katherine Bishop. I'll be right here," Carina whispered, giving Maya one last squeeze before they wheeled her off. Travis and Vic held the Italian, who broke down in tears the second that the blonde disappeared from her sight.
"It'll be okay, Carina," Vic repeated over and over, tightening her grip on Carina, feeling the Italian trembling with sobs of grief, of frustration, of being overwhelmed.
"As long as you two have each other, you will both be okay. Now, let's go back to your place, Vic and I are obviously staying over. I think Andy's there right now, making some food," Travis soothed.
"T-thank you," Carina stuttered, overcome with gratitude.
"You're family," was Vic's simple reply, yet it meant the world knowing that no matter what, she and Maya were surrounded by the best support system they could ever ask for.