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Hinata Shouyou and Kageyama Tobio had not done interviews together, following their (multiple, sorry Kuroo) times breaking the internet. The fans mourned, the other players whined – they were fun to look at too, you know? – but the Japanese Volleyball Association did not relent.
Not even when certain users of the wonderful public domain known as twitter dot com tried to bribe their way into new content.
Josh! @VLeagueFan • 58 minutes ago
Hey @JNT_official, I did not like #kagehina when I first saw them, but they have grown on me enormously. I’d appreciate it if you would please give us more content, I will pay you. Seeing Kageyama Tobio weep like a child is very entertaining, thank you.
🗨️ 131 ⟲ 1.4k ♡ 7.2k
↳ sunny <3 kghn deprived @kagsleftslipper • 52 minutes ago
welcome to twitter j, i’m so proud of you
🗨️ 3 ⟲ 2 ♡ 1.6k
↳ #21 PROTECTION SQUAD @MSBY_UNHINGED • 49 minutes ago
we’ve come so far *sobs*
🗨️ 2 ⟲ 1 ♡ 543
↳ Japanese Men's Volleyball team ✓ @JNT_offiicial • 31 minutes ago
We’ve been trying too, Josh, but PR seems to be having some legal trouble. Don’t worry, #kagehina will prevail!!
🗨️ 78 ⟲ 752 ♡ 5.8k
↳ ace aran ✓ @OjiroAran • 28 minutes ago
stop using the team account for your propaganda @thebettermiya
🗨️ 28 ⟲ 121 ♡ 2.3k
↳ Goldilocks ✓ @thebettermiya • 27 minutes ago
IT ISN’T PROPAGANDA IF IT’S TRUE ARAN
🗨️ 48 ⟲ 145 ♡ 1.3k
↳ the actual better miya ✓ @OnigiriMiya • 27 minutes ago
ya stupid.
🗨️ 14 ⟲ 108 ♡ 1.4k
Okay, so perhaps all was not lost.
It definitely wasn’t if the athletes in question had anything to say about it. They’d been silently dropping pictures of themselves on the internet, waiting for their comment sections to explode.
It was almost like a peaceful protest. Sort of.
Twitter user’s meme galleries became so full they were ready to burst. And they did. Right back onto their birthplaces. That bird app really was like a virus – replicating, bursting out of its host cell, and infecting new ones in the process. A vicious circle of rotten memes that people bathed in instead of sleeping like normal human beings.
That made them cranky. And a whole lot less peaceful.
Luckily, they shared one ginormous, combined braincell that – once in a blue moon – bounced against an idea. For their predicament now, it was a pitch. One that, when given to the right person (thank you, Kuroo, we owe you), could apparently catapult a whole new branch of entertainment.
Japan National Men’s Volleyball Team ✓ @JNT_official • 41 minutes ago
We see you, we hear you, we agree with you! The return of @KageyamaTobio20 and @ninjashouyou is long past due, and so we proudly present:
JNT Kitchen Wars, episode one: out now!
Watch as the Olympic medalists show just what they’re made of… in the kitchen!!
(Any and all damages shown in the video have since been repaired. The Japanese Volleyball Association is not responsible for injuries sustained while replicating this video. Viewer discretion advised, do not try at home.)
[link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ]
🗨️ 2.7k ⟲ 88.8k ♡ 341.3k
↳ here comes the sun ✓ @ninjashouyou • 41 minutes ago
ooooof we’re finally out of hibernation!!
🗨️ 134 ⟲ 3.9k ♡ 83.1k
↳ starting setter ✓ @KageyamaTobio20 • 41 minutes ago
it’s summer dumbass
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The video opens the way the public has come to expect of the unexpected couple; chaotic. Still, there is some coherence courtesy of the JVA’s exquisite editing team.
As always (well… except for that last time), the camera zooms out from the tiny white and red flag emblazoned across the player’s official national team jacket, to reveal the person underneath it. It is to no one’s surprise that the player in question is Hinata Shouyou.
It is, however, surprising that he is not grinning. At all. Instead he looks serious, concentrated in a way that’s usually reserved for the court. It’s scary, to say the least.
The camera pans to the person standing next to him. This 181.9 cm tall player is grinning. It only makes the viewers more nervous than they already were.
★
Youtube comments:
MSBY_UNHINGED
here we go again!!!
kagsleftslipper
my sons!!!!
shoyoprotectionsquad
WHY IS MY SUNSHINE CHILD NOT SUNSHINING?????
dadlers
never thought i’d say this but kageyama… sweetie… pls go back to looking constipated
★
“Bakayama, we both know I’m better than you!” Hinata can be heard saying – screeching, more like. The camera moves back over to the opposite hitter, catching the fire in his eyes once more. Fans are delighted when the frame freezes.
Hinata’s mouth is hanging open, there’s a wad of spit flying out of the gaping hole. The screenshot is immediately immortalized in the twitter hall of fame, and the fans know: this video is about to be a goldmine.
The shot turns black and white and the first scribbly lines move across the screen. “Top ten words spoken before disaster” the text says.
Not even half a second later, a red arrow flies into the frame. A new blob of words appears, courtesy of one of the fans’ favorite editors.
“Health violation #1 Sit back down Crying Carrot Top™, ur gonna give use food poisining again.”
The first half of the sentence moves over towards the far left corner, where it stares back at viewers with a glaring #1 as the frame unfreezes.
★
Youtube comments:
shouyou4president
i’m absolutely fucking howling please tell me we found out who edits these videos
kodzuken ✓
.
adlersadlersadlers
SHUT THE FUCK UP???? KOZUME-SAN???? HOW– WHEN– WHY–
kodzuken ✓
i like watching them suffer.
★
Kageyama looks slightly affronted. He crosses his arms, then pouts petulantly (again, absolutely delicious fodder for the Tobio Protection Squad™)
“That isn’t even true,” he huffs as he moves his head away from his boyfriend to ignore him as one might a whining dog. “You’re a filthy liar, Shou,” he – a grown man – adds.
The frame switches again, this time to something seemingly in the near-future. The Olympic medalist is seen dropping a fresh bucket of spinach, then looking warily over his shoulder before swiping the leaves back into the container – floor dust and all – to immediately chop them into dicey-looking strips.
It freezes on an incrimating picture of Kageyama Tobio picking dirty greens off the ground. The little health violation counter goes up to two, and another menacing set of words rises on the screen.
“You too, Kage-drama ™ , this is your last warning. Wash your damn produce.”
★
Youtube comments:
MSBY_UNHINGED
KAGEDRAMA I’M WHEEZING, @kodzuken YOU BRILLIANT LITTLE RASCAL
kodzuken ✓
who are you calling little?
MSBY_UNHINGED
no one sir, i’m sorry sir, do whatever you want with me sir.
kagsleftslipper
babe… on main?
VLeagueFan
Is no one concerned about the health risks that come with eating that dusty spinach?
dadlers
no <3 we support kageyama rights and wrongs in this household <3
★
Finally, the video continues.
A woman walks into frame to quickly explain the rules. Both Kageyama and Hinata seem ready to absolutely pummel the other into the ground when she says the word competition.
“To be clear,” the assistent tells them. “The goal of this competition is to make the most delicious dish with the allotted time.”
The athletes nod.
“Are you ready?”
They nod again. Their eyes spark, their feet seem to graze over the wood as if they’re bulls getting ready to run.
“Then let the kitchen war… BEGIN!”
They’re off. They do run like bulls – bullheaded and blindsided, that is. The video has not been going for two minutes and they’ve already collided, Kageyama sprawled on his back with a shrieking Hinata on top of him.
“Dumbass,” he barks. “That hurts.”
Hinata slowly sits himself up (still on top of his boyfriend) to sneakily crawl forward. Kageyama, however, catches onto his plan and grips him by the ankle to yank him back down.
“Oh no you don’t,” he says. “You’re not getting a head-start, Hinata.”
Hinata kicks him in the ribs (softly). The setter howls (dramatically). It is not loud enough for the microphone not to pick up on Hinata’s next words.
“That’s not my name,” he says.
The video quickly turns black-and-white again to point out a new health violation.
“Health violation #3,” it says. “Stop rubbing yourself all over the kitchen floors, you dirty pigs!”
But it’s haphazardous, rushed, and definitely not enough to distract the public from the real attention grabber here.
★
Youtube comments:
shouyouprotectionsquad
hinata…. what do you mean… “that’s not my name”....
dadlers
what
MSBY_UNHINGED
what
kagsleftslipper
what
shouyou4president
did he just– did they– are they–
adlersadlersadlers
breathe c, breathe
★
Kageyama’s mouth falls open, his cheeks tinge pink. “What?” he breathes.
But Hinata (?) is already off of him, bounding over to the little make-shift store-section of the studio. Kageyama can be seen gulping, then following suit. They appear to bicker in the aisles, ducking between shelves to stay out of the cameras’ sights.
Finally, they come back up, both significantly more red than they’d been before. Hinata seems fidgety, like he has something to confess. Kageyama, meanwhile, looks like he might spill the beans before he even gets his beans.
Safe to say that secret will not stay hidden for long.
For now though, they run through the store, “check out” (rush out of there without paying for a damn thing as if there’s a fire hot on their heels), and plonk their groceries on opposing workbenches.
They share one last look, then get to work.
Kageyama drops his spinach, pretends it doesn’t happen, and chops it into strips that he sets down in vinegar to quote, unquote “marinate.”
Hinata doesn’t seem to notice, the camera sure as hell does. Once again a helpful subtitle graces the screen, along with a zoomed-in picture of Kageyama’s cut-up spinach and a man yelling “What are thoooooose?”
★
Youtube comments:
VLeagueFan
I’m shaking, crying, choking, and not in the hip way.
kagsleftslipper
oh my god kageyama broke josh – josh if youre still with us, focus on my voice baby
dadlers
josh is finally using stan lingo and it’s this, what a sad day, all vleague fans lost
MSBY_UNHINGED
we might’ve lost josh, but we won in the editing department @kodzuken I JUST WANT A CHANCE
kagsleftslipper
that’s it i’m getting the spray-bottle out
★
For a second, all seems to be going well. No one’s lost a finger yet, there have been zero death threats, and the frame had to be cut only twice because of so-called vulgarity.
It is a bit confusing to the duo, when they get the chance to watch the video back. Making sucking noises while hollowing out your cheeks is apparently no longer in agreement with Youtube’s terms of service. Sucks (literally).
But yes, all seems wonderfully, blissfully–
“Ha!”
A loud, triumphant shriek echoes through the room, tears a few eardrums, and earns a scoff in return.
“What?” Kageyama hisses.
Hinata traipses over to his workstation just in time to see the little towers of boiled spinach fall in on themselves. He points at them, then laughs again.
Kageyama covers the produce with his hands, then glares at his boyfriend. “You’re getting your gross spit all over my food,” he says.
Hinata laughs harder. He has to clutch the countertop to stay upright. Kageyama’s annoyance seems to grow.
“They look like shit, Tobio,” he snickers.
“The shit, maybe!” Kageyama counters.
Hinata’s face is becoming increasingly red as he keeps laughing at his poor excuse of a housewife. “No, no,” he hiccups, “like literal, actual shit.”
Kageyama’s arms only fall away from his creation to swat at Hinata. He gasps indignantly. “Like yours is any better,” he pouts.
Hinata smirks, then opens his arms wide to gesture to his bench.
“Watch and learn, loser-yama.”
★
Youtube comments:
shouyou4president
how tf are they still alive
adlersadlersadlers
TOBIO TO B IO TOB IO T O B I O KDLFJISGNSLN
dadlers
why are they so CUTE
MSBY_UNHINGED
they make me want to bang my head against the wall
shouyouprotectionsquad
shouyou setting himself up for failure, episode 28
★
Once the duo is standing behind Hinata’s workstation, the camera zooms in on their faces. Hinata looks like he’s seeing his first-born child for the first time. Kageyama looks mildly horrified.
The rest is up to the viewer.
The frame changes again. This time it is to show a slow-motion ad-style montage of the blobs sitting on pristinely white plates (with just a few spatters of gravy on the ceramic. Plating is hard, okay?)
Romantic music plays as a sentence rolls over the screen. “Rate Hinata Shouyou’s attempt at an edible meal <3 don’t hold back <3 you can be mean <3” it says.
The blobs look… interesting. Maybe like they need to talk about their respective trauma after this video wraps up. The jury is still out. Still, Kageyama barks out a laugh.
Hinata’s face turns thundery immediately.
“Don’t laugh at them, bakayama!” he whines.
Kageyama’s laugh turns into a murderous grin. “This is why I don’t let you cook at home.”
Hinata huffs an indignant breath. “You don’t let me? Please, I choose not to cook.”
Kageyama raises a knowing brow. Hinata sags in on himself. Kageyama’s grin melts off his face to make way for something softer, something more domestic. He pats Hinata on his head.
“It’s okay, Shouyou. You’re good at other things,” he says.
Hinata brightens up a little, then plants a quick kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek, who in turns smirks again.
“Besides,” he says. “I didn’t marry you for your cooking skills, anyway.”
Hinata’s eyes open comically wide. Kageyama’s hand slams against his own face as if to contain the sounds pouring out of him. But the damage is already done.
★
Youtube comments:
kagsleftslipper
AM I HALLUCINATING OR DID HE SAY MARRY???????
MSBY_UNHINGED
KAGEHINA MARRIAGE CONFIRMED???
dadlers
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP JSGKFNSDLGMSNKGNS
shouyou4president
nobody touch me i’m SOBBING
adlersadlersadlers
oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my GOD everyone stay CALM
VLeagueFan
Congratulations?
shouyouprotectionsquad
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!
★
In the chaos, Hinata tries to bring his hand to Kageyama’s face to calm him down. But the setter seemingly comes down to earth at the same exact moment and flinches backwards. Right into the stove.
A flame spikes so suddenly that Kageyama yelps and jerks away, only to bump against the handle of the pan on fire. The burning thing falls to the ground, catching onto a cleaning rag in its descent, and the footage is cut.
Dramatic music swells, the audio (save for a few “oh my god”s and “NO, DON’T JUST THROW STUFF AT IT, DUMBASS”s) is cut as the screen remains dark.
It takes a few more seconds for the footage to come back, but eventually the camera picks up burning pieces of cooking equipment, a smoldering curtain, and a pile of rubble, before the screen goes black again.
★
Youtube comments:
dadlers
holy fucking shit
shoyoprotectionsquad
are they okay???/
VLeagueFan
They responded to the JNT’s promotional tweet for this video, so we can assume they’re alright.
shouyou4president
you’re right but FUCK that was scary
★
Finally, the screen lights up again to show the couple sitting on the steps leading to the tv-studio, both wrapped in blankets. They look shocked, but otherwise fine.
A quick disclaimer rolls over the screen.
“Hinata Shouyou and Kageyama Tobio are both alright after their dance with the devil, as are all other people present. That being said, they are IDIOTS and we will never allow either of them near a stove ever again <3 “
Hinata can be seen dropping his head onto his boyfriend’s (husband’s?) shoulder and sighing. Kageyama, in turn, drops a quick kiss to the crown of his head.
Their mics are off, but somehow their voices get picked up anyway.
“I guess my food was shit,” Kageyama admits.
Hinata jerks his head up – because everyone knows Kageyama would rather lie dead in a ditch than admit defeat – but is quickly reassured.
“Hot shit,” Kageyama elaborates before bursting into giggles.
Hinata punches him in the arm before a dopey smile blooms over his face. He shakes his head, then joins his partner in laughing.
“You are so dumb,” he says eventually, snuggling impossibly closer to Kageyama.
Kageyama kisses him softly. “Yeah,” he says when they break apart. “And you married me, anyway.”
“It’s your most redeeming quality,” Hinata chirps.
Kageyama rolls his eyes. “Shut up.”
★
Youtube comments:
adlersadlersadlers
thank fuck they’re okay
MSBY_UNHINGED
glad to see them squabbling like a married couple again
dadlers
WAIT THAT REMINDS ME
shouyou4president
THEYRE MARRIED
kagsleftslipper
THEY DID THE DAMN THING!!!!!
★
The video ends quickly after that. The viewers find they don’t really mind. They flock to twitter en masse, adrenaline and all, and start spamming the timeline with memes. The other members of the Japanese Men’s Volleyball Team (and entourage) are quick to join in on the fun.
It turns out that no matter where the Olympic couple goes, memes and trending hashtags go with them.
Ushijima Wakatoshi ✓ @UshijimaWakatoshi1 • 51 minutes ago
Thank you Kageyama (Shouyou, this is going to be confusing) for reminding me of Kageyama (Tobio)’s dramatic tendencies. Here is a picture of the time a rat family seemingly made their nest in front of the Adler’s dorm. It was quite amusing. #Kagedrama #rodentking
[picture: Kageyama Tobio mid-shriek, clutching his heart in panic as he stares at a rat.]
🗨️ 18.7k ⟲ 59.8k ♡ 471.2k
↳ here comes the sun ✓ @ninjashouyou • 50 minutes ago
oh my god captain, send me ALL the pictures and videos you have!!!
🗨️ 71 ⟲ 131 ♡ 57.1k
↳ kageyama miwa ✓ @beauty_by_miwa • 47 minutes ago
oh buckle up guys, i’ve got WAY more of those #kagedrama
[picture: Kageyama Tobio, aged four, crying his eyes out. His fists are clutching the air
as a volleyball is ripped out of the frame.]
[picture: Kageyama Tobio, aged seven, laying face-first on a carpet.]
[video: Kageyama Tobio, aged sixteen, telling his sister that he absolutely CANNOT be
in love with his annoying teammate. Screenrecorded FaceTime call.]
[picture: Kageyama Tobio, aged twenty-one, laying face-first on a carpet. Again.]
🗨️ 4.8k ⟲ 49.2k ♡ 257.1k
↳ starting setter ✓ @KageyamaTobio20 • 44 minutes ago
i’m disowning you.
🗨️ 1.2k ⟲ 671 ♡ 121.1k
↳ kageyama miwa ✓ @beauty_by_miwa • 29 minutes ago
you can’t disown me, punk
🗨️ 35 ⟲ 131 ♡ 27.0k
captain crunch @natsuuuuu • 21 minutes ago
i’ve been waiting for this one, turn it up!! #cryingcarrottop
[picture: Hinata Shouyou in his childhood home, clinging to his mother with tears in his eyes as a plume of smoke can be seen in the background]
🗨️ 8.7k ⟲ 19.8k ♡ 241.3k
↳ the tiny giant ✓ @hoshiumi_kourai • 19 minutes ago
you’re telling me stoves are hinata shouyou’s mortal enemy? man, i wanted that title
/j
🗨️ 3.4k ⟲ 12.1k ♡ 123.1k
↳ starting setter ✓ @KageyamaTobio20 • 13 minutes ago
kageyama shouyou* you were AT the wedding kourai /kys
🗨️ 5.1k ⟲ 14.8k ♡ 131.9k
↳ here comes the sun ✓ @ninjashouyou • 13 minutes ago
down boy
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↳ here comes the sun ✓ @ninjashouyou • 21 minutes ago
YOURE ON THIN FUCKING ICE NATSU watch me stay in brazil for real this time smh
🗨️ 1.4k ⟲ 2.1k ♡ 99.1k
↳ captain crunch @natsuuuuu • 21 minutes ago
pardon? should i call your husband to see what he thinks? @KageyamaTobio20
🗨️ 1.4k ⟲ 2.2k ♡ 101.4k
↳ here comes the sun ✓ @ninjashouyou • 20 minutes ago
i should’ve eaten you in the womb
🗨️ 21 ⟲ 89 ♡ 12.8k
↳ captain crunch @natsuuuuu • 20 minutes ago
we arent twins shou
🗨️ 13 ⟲ 52 ♡ 11.4k
starting setter ✓ @KageyamaTobio20 • 13 minutes ago
Mr. Kageyama <3 #thatshisname
[picture: Kageyama Tobio and Hinata Shouyou on their wedding day. Hinata is smiling so hard his eyes are shut closed, Kageyama’s smile is more reserved but incredibly affectionate as he looks at his husband. The pair proudly hold twin-necklaces up to show two shining, diamond rings off to the camera]
🗨️ 8.7k ⟲ 19.8k ♡ 241.3k
↳ here comes the sun ✓ @ninjashouyou • 13 minutes ago
don’t distract people from your horrible cooking tobio. u suck. i won. #suckonthat
🗨️ 312 ⟲ 3.4k ♡ 93.1k
↳ starting setter ✓ @KageyamaTobio20 • 13 minutes ago
we both won <3
🗨️ 432 ⟲ 5.6k ♡ 94.3k
↳ Sakusa Kiyoomi. ✓ @SakusaK • 13 minutes ago
you both set a studio on fire.
🗨️ 109 ⟲ 2.3k ♡ 101.2k
↳ starting setter ✓ @KageyamaTobio20 • 3 minutes ago
slander </3
🗨️ 81 ⟲ 312 ♡ 71.4k
↳ pretty setter ✓ @oikawa_tooru • 1 minute ago
whoever taught tobio-chan stan lingo, you’re dead to me
🗨️ 54 ⟲ 231k ♡ 66.6k
★
It took fifty more wedding pictures to satiate the internet, and even then it craved more. This task was happily picked up by one Miya Atsumu and Bokuto Koutarou, who had not only attended the wedding but had cinched a place in the wedding party as well.
They entertained the public for hours on end with stories about the happy day – only after shooting a quick text to the grooms to ask for permission first, of course.
Said grooms hastily agreed when they realized that would mean some much needed time for themselves, at least before the phone started ringing again and they’d be harassed by their PR teams.
And so they ordered take-out (they had to stay alive somehow), turned their phones off for the rest of the evening, and cuddled up on the couch.
See, Kageyama Tobio and Hinata Shouyou had not done any interviews since the last fateful two, and that was bound to change. But it did not get any less exhausting the third time around; this business of breaking the internet.