Chapter Text
Peter woke up with a start, hearing the alarm go off. He sat up in bed, snorting at Harley, who was lying next to him with his arms somehow under and over the pillow with his mouth wide open and snoring like a chainsaw.
He shook his new partner -romantically and in crime- awake, who just muttered, ‘a few more minutes, mom.’ and went straight back to snoring.
‘Harls? Dude, wake up, I can’t even hear myself losing the will to live with this noise,’ Peter said loudly, making Harley glare at Peter through his eyelashes.
‘Somehow I feel like this is not gonna be the only time I’m shaken awake by a pretty boy who needs me to get up immediately,’ he whined dramatically, squinting angrily at the light that Peter turned on.
‘You look like an angry kitten.’ Came the response by said pretty boy.
Peter picked up a bundle of clothes from the chair he dumped them on the night before and went into the bathroom. Not even five minutes later he came out, dressed and freshened up to face the day and the hellions that he was going to make regret their life decisions.
Harley was still lying in bed though, seemingly having gone back to sleep during the time Peter was in the bathroom.
Peter strode over and yanked Harley’s pillow out from under his head. Harley’s head hit the mattress with an audible oomph and Harley sat up, rolling up the blanket and hugging it to his chest for the moral support Peter wasn’t giving him through his difficult times, which he told Peter, who just snorted at him.
‘Harley we have to make some people regret the fact they were ever born as such little bitches, I have no time for the mess you call your hair or your moodiness in the morning,’ he said cheerfully, going to his StarkPad and checking everything he had to get ready.
‘Okay, I’ll go to Uncle Steve and Uncle Bucky’s room, Auntie Nat’s room, Thor and Bruce’s room, and mom and dad’s room with an airhorn and silly string. You’ll go to Loki’s room, Sam’s room, and Wanda’s room with your airhorn and silly string, and you’ll recruit the kids to help with kidnapping Clint and putting him in the spare room of which we’ll make sure to close the vents properly, lock the door, and play the rickroll on repeat through Friday’s generous help. Then, we all lock them in their rooms and only let them out when we set the fire alarm off on this floor and make them go to the place where we’ll start the fire, which is the living room in case you forgot, and lock them in there to tell them off about their behavior. Clint’ll probably show up late, but that’s because he really does not hold his alcohol at all. Oh and do try to let Laura sleep, she went to bed at the same time as the kids and I don’t want her to be angry at me, she’s much nicer than Clint.’
Harley seemed much more awake, and after pulling his shirt over his incredibly messy hair he nodded solemnly.
‘Fri, where’re the kids? Tell them to come to the living room and that I need their help for compensation in the form of food,’ Harley told the ceiling.
‘Of course. Would you like me to lock the doors of the rooms you’ve been in with your airhorns and silly string?’
‘Thanks Fri, that’s very thoughtful of you,’ Peter grinned.
Harley turned to the desk, grabbed his airhorn and silly string cans, of which there were more than strictly necessary for a teenager’s room (the appropriate amount was 3 to 4, and Peter had about 16).
Peter grabbed his too and they set off through the dark tower, smirking. They entered the living room and the children were already there, fighting on the couch for a spot in the corner. They looked up as Peter and Harley entered and immediately stopped, except for Lila, who pushed Nathaniel one last time and claimed the corner of the couch with a victorious smile. Harley shot her a smile, and she settled down.
‘Alright, listen up kids, I have something important you need to help me with. I want you to help me kidnap Clint and put him in the spare room so that he’s forced to listen to anything you want him to listen to.’
Cooper raised his hand politely. ‘Do you mean our dad?’
Harley nodded.
‘Cool! I‘m in! Don’t know how much help Little Nat will be, but I’ll do my best. How will we do it?’
Nathaniel crossed his arms at being called Little Nat -he always wanted to just be Nat but he knew that that was a title reserved for his godmother- and frowned.
‘Well, it’s probably best that you do it quickly and quietly, to make sure that your mother doesn’t wake up, and then all you need to do is make sure he can’t make noise and duct tape him to a chair in the spare room. Harley will help though, so it can’t be too hard, can it?’
The kids nodded enthusiastically, after which they went back to fighting over the corner of the couch.
Peter turned to Harley. ‘I’m gonna start, will you take the kids with you and start the plan? Hopefully we’ll have everyone woken up around the same time, that way, when we start the fire, they’ll all be awake. And don’t worry, I’ve got the fire stuff. It’s just gonna burn enough to make the alarm go off and then it’ll go out leaving behind zero residue,’ Peter smiled.
Harley nodded. ‘I’m gonna take the kids to steal Clint now, good luck.’ Harley kissed Peter’s cheek and turned to the kids.
Peter felt his ears heat up once more, and turned on his heel to leave the room, only hearing a bit of Harley’s conversation to the kids, ‘okay guys, we have to steal your dad, but to do that we have to play the quiet game, ‘kay?’
Peter thought of who to annoy first, and decided on Bruce and Thor. They were probably sleeping quite deeply, and if he played it right, at least one of them would fall off the bed. He walked towards their room, never having been as thankful for the soft carpet under his feet than right now.
He opened the door quietly, now also being thankful for the doors that never squeaked in the penthouse, and saw the couple sleeping on the bed, still in their clothes of yesterday evening, with Thor apparently only thinking of putting Mjölnir on the bedside table before falling into bed.
Peter crept into the room, shutting the door behind him, and walked over to the wall that the bed stood against, stepping onto it, positioning himself directly above Thor’s ear. He blew the airhorn, and both Bruce and Thor’s eyes shot open and immediately caught sight of Peter grinning devilishly down at them before spraying them both in the face with silly string. The two sat up in bed, massaging their heads and getting the silly string out of their faces. Bruce looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was only 5 am, and flopped back down, glaring at Peter, who was still smirking.
‘Why,’ Bruce groaned, making Thor shush him loudly, hands on his temples.
Peter just walked to the door via the ceiling and jumped down, making sure to land extra hard on his feet, making Bruce and Thor wince.
One down, three to go.
He crept through the hall, going straight for his Uncles Bucky and Steve. They had both been completely wasted, so here was to hoping they hadn’t done anything… untoward. He wasn’t planning on seeing anything that would make him want to bleach his eyes. Doing a speedy little prayer for good luck, he opened the door quietly, sneaking inside and immediately scanning if they still had their clothes on and if there were any weapons near them. Luckily and sadly, the answer to both of those questions was a yes.
Steve was lying sideways on the bed, while Bucky had curled up on the corner closest to Steve’s chest, which he was using as a pillow. As a result, the knife and gun that were under their actual pillows, were relatively easy to grab and tuck into his pockets. The last thing he wanted was for a relatively harmless prank to go as horribly sideways as it would probably go if they had any weapons near them. They also didn’t have any on them, he realized. Probably because they didn’t go anywhere yesterday.
Peter walked onto the ceiling, standing upside down on the ceiling, arm stretched out to position the airhorn directly between the two old men’s ears. He blew it, and immediately, they both shot out of bed, looking around for the source of the sound. Bucky looked at the ceiling and huffed, clutching his head with both arms and gingerly lying back down.
‘What do you want you filthy son of a-’
‘Uh-uh, Uncle Buck, c’mon now, language. I thought, since you’re Language Man’s husband, you’d have a better vocabulary than that.’
‘Kid, I agree with Buck. what the fuck do you want, you filthy son of a bitch,’ Steve deadpanned, making him blow the airhorn again.
‘Kid! Stop that will you, I’ve gotten this far without considerable hearing damage and I’m not gonna start now,’ Bucky whined, grabbing the two pillows, throwing one at Peter that missed the Spider-Child with a wide arc, and putting the other one over his head.
‘If you don’t keep Capsicle in line I’ll have no option than to do that again,’ Peter warned. ‘Also, I don’t owe you an explanation for anything.’ Then he remembered he also had the silly string.
He jumped down loudly, making the oldest of couples wince again, and sprayed Steve in the face with the silly string, turned around, and attacked Bucky with it too. He then ran toward the door, wrenched it open, flung himself into the hallway, and closed the door with the quietest snap he could manage.
Only two left. He briefly considered going to his parents’ room, but then decided that, since they were the start of all the cooing over him and Harley yesterday, they deserved to be last, and worst. So he started walking towards Aunt Nat.
He decided to listen at the door first, because Aunt Nat was notorious for not having a sleep schedule. It was part of why she was so hard to catch. But, since she’d also consumed the spicy juice, she would probably still be sleeping it off. He didn’t hear anything, so he took that as a good sign. He did a quick prayer though, because for all he knew, Aunt Nat was just stretching quietly or something, and then he’d have to deal with her anger for trying to sneak into her room.
He opened her door and she was lying in her bed, looking like she managed to get into bed after actually changing to her sleeping attire, which was impressive considering all of the others so far had been sleeping in their clothes from the night before.
He walked onto the ceiling, keeping to the side, so that if Nat woke up she wouldn’t immediately notice him. He stretched to position the airhorn next to her ear, and wishing for the best, he blew it. She shot up and looked around trying to locate the source of the noise. When her eyes fell on Peter she groaned, flopping back onto the bed.
‘I am so incredibly tired and headachy that I won’t yell at you for this, because I know I did bad shit but fuck, little spider, I was expecting it to happen after I got a respectable amount of sleep so I could be functioning in the day, but now it seems like I can’t do anything productive and have no other option than to spend a day with my favorite nephew in order to try and earn his forgiveness. And, of course, if he could tell me what happened after him and his crush went to his room and stayed there the entire night, I might give him some of Bucky’s triple chocolate cookies that I know are his favorite,’ she grinned up at him, equal parts apologizing smile and smirk because he was gonna have to spill the tea about him and Harley, and mischievous smirk (which was definitely a different type of smirk) for bribing him in the same breath as her apology was.
Peter dropped down from the ceiling and shook her hand. ‘Deal on all accounts. But, you must also know that I have been holding a can of silly string and, I’m reasonably sure, that you also know it’s just not right to leave without using it on you too. The others got it too, don’t worry.’
She nodded with a, ‘do your worst.’ and closed her eyes, accepting her fate. Peter pointed the can at her and sprayed it at her until it was empty. She grinned through the silly string, giving him a thumbs up, and after hurriedly saying bye to her he left.
Luckily, he had another can of silly string in the front pocket of hoodie, and he was definitely planning on emptying it on his parents, because out of everyone that hurt him, them being part of that stung the most.
He was leisurely strolling to the last room when he saw Harley crossing the hall from what seemed to be Loki’s room to Sam’s with a shit-eating grin on his face, which turned more sweet and sincere when Harley caught sight of Peter, redirecting to the little shit that you’d probably only vaguely expect to concoct an evil plan like this.
‘Hi darlin’. Clint was so shocked that he didn’t really do much except say that all of his kids were disowned and that their dog was the sole heir of his fortune? Which I’m pretty sure they don’t have, but don’t tell the kids that. And then as I left I gave the kids the tv remote and I saw them starting to force Clint to watch vines, so I can only assume Clint has been crying through the vines for a long while now. Wanda fell out of her bed after I sounded the airhorn next to her ear, and then told me her headache was too big for magic and that I should run while I still could, for which I sprayed her in the face with silly string and ran. And Loki was so wasted that they actually slept through the airhorn. But when I started spraying them with silly string they sprung up like a kitten in water, it was amazing. I hope Friday took pictures. How did it go with you?’
Peter smiled at Harley, leaning against the wall now that they were apparently going to talk for a bit before going to the last rooms.
‘It went incredibly well, no one bothered to get up out of bed because they were so tired, but Aunt Nat did say that she was going to spend today with me, partly so I could dish about you and me,’ Peter’s ears turned red, which was the biggest form of betrayal those stupid organic hearing aids could ever do, ‘and partly because she wanted to deserve my forgiveness rather than just get it, and I’m getting chocolate chip cookies from Uncle Bucky out of it, so I should be okay.’
‘Okay, after we’ve both done the last rooms we’re gonna meet up in the living room, alright? If it all works out we’ll have enough time to make the fire.’ they both looked at each other with equally evil arson-hell-yeah smiles before they set off.
Peter opened the door of his parents’ bedroom and closed it quietly behind him, then quickly turned around and debated on how he should get this all done. As he walked onto the ceiling, he grabbed the new can of silly string and the airhorn, walking over to where Tony and Pepper’s ears were closest to each other before sounding the airhorn, making Tony only vaguely go ‘whuzzit?’ while Pepper opened her eyes immediately, scouring the dark room for signs of danger. When her eyes locked on Peter’s, he noticed hers were an attractive shade of shame with a few drops of anger for the lack of peaceful sleep.
‘Peter, I get why you’re doing this, but really?’
Peter just smirked. ‘Yes.’
Then he dropped down and released the hell of silly string into his dad’s face, while opting to go for the top of the head for Pepper, which both worked wonders, as his dad was now unable to breathe through his nose and woke up rather quickly because of it, and Pepper just grumbled over how she’d have to wash her hair again, and Peter didn’t stop until the last bits of silly string were sitting daintily upon his dads chin, from where he was still lying down, only considerably more awake.
‘That is for embarrassing me and Harley and making me run off and feel even more embarrassed and humiliated than before. Also, I’ve always wanted to do that, and now I have. Bye.’
And before Pepper or Tony could say another word, he ran out of the room, accidentally slamming it behind him as he didn’t break his stride toward the living room.