Chapter Text
Atsumu always knew Kiyoomi had his quirks that many on the team would often call ‘weird’ or ‘odd’.
Sure, the behaviour or actions had always conjured some questions in his own mind as well, but it was never something that was off putting. If anything, it was intriguing.
The way others see himself plague his mind more than he would like to admit. As much as he would like to imagine himself as a suave ladies man, who can smooth talk his way through anything, he knows better.
He’s clumsy and can be a huge jerk to the people he cares most about.
The thought of how other people view themselves helps Atsumu divert his own mind from the self deprecating thoughts.
He wouldn’t necessarily call himself the master of being able to read others but he likes to think he knows people enough.
People watching and generally just observing the way others interact with the world can give you a lot of intel of how someone might see themselves. Once you finally get to speaking with them and know them on a more personal level you would be surprised by the amount of knowledge you can acquire.
However, someone he never could quite understand was Sakusa.
Despite him being on the team for over a year now, there were parts of him that Atsumu just couldn’t understand or pin down. Times where Sakusa would act out of character he felt like he had to scratch the whole drawing board of what he previously had for the man.
Sure, while discovering and peeling back the layers of people you’ll come across things that will feel like it came out of left field but it would make more sense the more you sat with it. In Kiyoomi’s case, the more he sat with it, the more confused he became.
No one knew when it would happen again. The team would forget about it until it happens again. Promptly it would become the topic of gossip until it's forgotten again. It was unpredictable, and had weeks, sometimes months in between each time.
The rest of the team had mixed opinions on the odd several days they have from Kiyoomi. When they asked Atsumu his opinion on the topic he shut them down, he understood they were asking because of the well known fact he had a crush on the man.
Atsumu doesn’t dislike it when Kiyoomi is - how the team would say ‘like that’ . However, he also didn’t like the fact that it was even a question. Atsumu likes Kiyoomi. The way he acts on those days is still him, he may not understand the reasoning behind it yet but it doesn’t change his feelings.
It has happened several times throughout the time he’s been on the team. Everytime it has been slightly alarming, not enough for anyone to make a huge deal or acknowledge directly to him, but enough to where team conversations are held and theories are made up.
Having a crush on Kiyoomi long before witnessing a moment ‘like that’ was definitely confusing. It gave him a bit of whiplash the first time it happened.
It was a Monday morning and Atsumu had gotten to the gym at 7:30am to get ready for their regular 8am practice. Usually he would be the first to arrive at such a time but was surprised to see the lights on and doors unlocked.
Slowly, he opened the door and peeked his head through to look into the gym.
Low and behold, Sakusa was running suicides down the length of the gym by himself. There was sweat dripping from his red face and laboured breaths huffing rhythmically.
“Yo… Sakusa…” Atsumu spoke over the music playing over the speakers. The sound of sneakers squeaking to a halt echoed through the gym and alert eyes darted in his direction. Quickly the music turned down with the watch Kiyoomi was wearing.
“It’s twenty to and you're already beat… Sit down for a bit, yeah?” All he got was a curt nod before the music was turned back up and Kiyoomi jogged to the bench to grab a sip of his water.
As Atsumu was changing his shirt he heard the changing room door creak open and Kiyoomi’s dark hair pop through the crack.
Atsumu gave a simple nod of acknowledgement but was knocked on his ass as he was given a smile (a toothy one!) and a very quick and subtle eyebrow raise. He wasn't sure if that was intentional or not but either way Atsumu swore he was sent to heaven for a quick second and hit his head on the way back down.
His reaction must’ve been noticeable since it made Kiyoomi chuckle. Since that day Atsumu swore there was nothing more holy than the deep vibrations of Sakusa’s chuckle and charmingly crooked top left canine tooth.
Throughout the practice Kiyoomi had been talking more than they’ve ever heard before. He sat with the team while they got ready despite already being ready himself and struck up conversations and banter with anyone willing so early in the morning. Of course Bokuto flocked to him quickly and they chatted more than Atsumu thought was possible for a monday morning. He was baffled. The rest of the team watched in awe and confusion.
During practice Kiyoomi kept throwing in strategy suggestions that seemed far fetched and some unreasonable which caused several furrowed brows and confused faces. Covering his tracks, he would save himself by suggesting other things much more reasonable and functional.
He was putting all his effort into this practice and it was clear to everyone. Coach Foster seemed impressed with the sudden enthusiasm and drive that Sakusa seemed to have adopted over night but something didn’t sit right with Atsumu.
Kiyoomi was stumbling over his words which was something he never did normally, it was probably due to the way his talking was just generally sped up a bit. It was like he had so much to say but was cursed with having to speak one word at a time. His words were just bursting at the seams to be heard, no matter what order. Atsumu could only imagine what it must sound like in his head.
Nearing the end of the practice they decided to split the team and scrimmage for half an hour. Kiyoomi started off serving, he was able to pull off two aces with his first serves. Both of the serves were followed by big smiles and high fives from his teammates, rare from Sakusa during practice matches.
The third serve was picked up by Shoyo creating a solid rally, in which they inevitably won.
The forth serve, however, collided with the net. As soon as the ball hit the floor Kiyoomi angrily cursed under his breath. Well, they assumed it was meant to be under his breath. The whole team heard it. If it was jokingly and light hearted no one really would’ve given it much attention. But when the team saw the seriousness on Kiyoomi’s face… They didn’t laugh.
Everyone faced Kiyoomi who was clenching his fists tight, teeth grinding with rage and a glare that could kill aimed directly at the ball rolling on the ground. The air felt tense and no one felt as if they could move a muscle.
Kiyoomi muttered under his breath before raising his voice, “Well, what are you all waiting for? Serve,”
It was firm and direct and caused everyone to move into positions but no one relaxed. From that point on everyone was on edge.
Sakusa felt like a ticking time bomb, and the way everyone was acting around him was probably why his mood wasn’t improving. He was irritated and everything that wasn’t in his plan was a trigger for something bigger it seemed.
The scrimmage felt as if it went on forever but they were finally free and able to do their cool down stretches for the rest of the practice. No one approached Kiyoomi or made an attempt to talk to him.
Atsumu felt some sort of guilt well up in his chest, he wanted to go up to him. After all, the day had been going so well up until the scrimmage.
Back in the dressing room Sakusa quickly claimed a shower whilst the rest sat on the benches for a second to cool down. Despite knowing that gossip is juvenile and immature it was difficult not to.
“Sakusa was in a good mood today,” Shoyo said happily, focusing on the more positive part of the day.
“Yes… Some of his plays suggested were questionable, I genuinely don’t know if he was being serious when pitching them but it was nice to see him interact more with us today. I hope it continues like this,” Meian said with a cautious glance around the room. Everyone was avoiding the topic of the end of practice.
“I wonder why he was all weird at the end today,” Bokuto said blunty. He pulled his shirt over his head and started wiping off his sweat with his towel as the rest of the team looked at him with a deadpan expression, “what?” Without responding everyone left to do their own post practice ritual.
On the way back to the MSBY dorms Shoyo, Bokuto, Kiyoomi and Atsumu walked together. Sakusa was back to the odd bubbly Kiyoomi they came to meet this morning which caused the other three to give each other subtle questioning looks.
Bokuto didn’t seem to care as he ate up every word Kiyoomi had to say and laughed at every dumb ‘joke’ Kiyoomi told.
When arriving at the complex there were several boxes stacked at the front door.
“Woah, whose birthday is it?” Shoyo joked as he picked up a package and read the name on the label, “Omi?”
“Are these all yours?” Atsumu asked with a slight alarm.
“Oh, fuck yeah,” Kiyoomi said brightly, “Help me bring these up, will you?”
The three of them looked at each other with a shrug as Kiyoomi bent down to scoop a couple boxes into his arms and carry them up to his apartment, the other three in tow.
As they entered his place they noted a couple things. One, they’ve never been inside Kiyoomi’s house before. Two, several of these were amazon packages meaning there were probably multiple items per package (just how many things did he buy???). Three, his place was messy but at the same time spotless?
They placed the boxes on the floor in the living room next to the table.
The table was cluttered with papers, pens and highlighters. All three of them looked at the mess with a curious gaze but tried not to be too nosy since they knew better than to invade Kiyoomi’s privacy.
“What’s up with all the papers Sakusa?” Shoyo asked the burning question on everyone’s mind.
“Oh! I was going through some old games over the weekend and last night. I was marking down some play by plays and cool shit both our opponents and us have done.
“I was playing around with different scenarios and what could’ve been better or what we could improve on. What kind of moves or plays we could add in against certain teams,” there was a pause, but before anyone could speak Sakusa continued.
“I know I haven’t played as many games with you all on this team so I pulled up some games from last season and analyzed plays then. Mostly to see what I could bring to the team and how I could fit,” there were some obvious stumbles and stutters throughout the monologue. He seemed slightly frustrated with how the words kept fumbling but ignored it and kept talking.
Sakusa shuffled through the piles of paper muttering under his breath before holding out three papers triumphantly, “See! This is what I brought up in the practice this morning!
“There’s the diagram with the description and all that,” he pointed to the paper and the chicken scratch like handwriting scattered across the pages.
“Oh, wow…” Bokuto finally said, nodding wearily at the papers.
“That’s great, Omi… but how much sleep did you get last night? You were at the gym really early.” Atsumu remembered.
“Oh. Um, not sure? A couple hours. I felt well rested, what does it matter?” he muttered, turning away from the trio.
“Right, well, we should get going. Bye Sakusa, enjoy opening all your packages!” Hinata said, gesturing to the pile at their feet.
That perked him back up before they all gave their parting words and Hinata, Atsumu and Bokuto left Sakusa’s room. “Come to mine for a second,” Shoyo said quickly.
They wordlessly filed into the room and sat around Shoyo’s table as he dumped a bag of trail mix into a bowl in the centre of them.
“I assume we’re going to talk about whatever that was,” Atsumu spoke first.
“Kind of hard to ignore… I’ve never seen Sakusa act like that!” Shoyo added. “It kind of reminded me of Bokuto back in high school. Not fully obviously. Just the whole… moody parts and energy to some extent. Today, Sakusa had a lot of high school Bokuto energy,”
Bokuto listened intently to the brain storming Shoyo was putting out, “You’re right actually. Some of his behaviour today reminds me of how I acted then…” with furrowed eyebrows he continued, “You both know that back then I was unmedicated though, right?”
“Medicated?” Both Atsumu and Hinata repeated simultaneously.
Bokuto chuckled, “Yeah, I have ADHD. It was difficult regulating my emotions, I always felt like I was splitting at the seams with the need to move or do something and getting to sleep could be a nightmare.
“Obviously there’s a lot more to ADHD and I’m not saying Kiyoomi has it but those things in particular seemed very relatable in this sense,”
“How have we been friends this whole time and I didn’t know you have ADHD?” Shoyo asked, dumbfounded.
“Shoyo… We can talk about that later…” Atsumu said. He was too focused on trying to wrap his head around Sakusa having ADHD, it didn’t seem like it made sense? But then again, he wasn’t an expert.
“So, say Sakusa has ADHD, wouldn’t you think it’s a bit late for it to, like, start? Like… I always thought the onset of ADHD was young…”
“ADHD isn’t a mental illness, which I think you’re mistaken for ‘tsumu. It's a neurodevelopmental disorder, you’re born with it and it presents from childhood. Not everyone is diagnosed in their childhood, I wasn't diagnosed until the last year of high school - when Akaashi suggested I look into it when I expressed I was struggling,”
“So it would be odd for him to suddenly start acting like this if it was ADHD? Like, he should’ve been acting like this for as long as we’ve known him if that was the case?” The questions rolled off Atsumu’s tongue with urgency.
He wanted to know all of the answers, he hated being left in the dark.
“Well… It’s hard to say. I’m not an expert. I’m just someone with lifetime experience,” Bokuto laughed, “everyone is different, especially with how their symptoms present. If he is undiagnosed and untreated, with what I know, I think we would’ve seen more days with Kiyoomi as he was today. He could also just be good at masking his symptoms on a day to day basis but today was just too much or something.
“Another possibility is that we’ve always known him when he was medicated. Maybe he stopped taking his medication for some reason and things are kind of just flying off the handle,” The other two men stared at Bokuto as if he were the most intelligent human being they’ve ever come across.
They made a plan to keep an eye out for Kiyoomi and only bring it up to him if things seem to be going down a negative path. One Bokuto had warned them about. Burn out, exhaustion, over focusing on the negatives and most of all making sure it doesn’t negatively impact his gameplay.
Tuesday was good. Kiyoomi was early again, stretching as the team filed into the dressing room. The day kicked off much like Monday, he was getting along well, happy, his energy was high and everything seemed fine. Nothing seemed to tick him off like the day before. He was a bit clumsier, tripping, fumbling the ball… It didn’t seem to bother him to the point of anger though, it only embarrassed him. Atsumu kind of liked the bashful look on his face.
Overall Tuesday was good. Kiyoomi seemed happier which made Atsumu happy. What more could he ask for but a smiley Kiyoomi?
When Wednesday rolled around Atsumu got to the gym with a skip in his step. He was excited to see Kiyoomi, excited to see what dumb jokes he would say to try and make people laugh. Maybe they’ll hear more off handed thoughts he verbalized that would make one wish they could read minds for the sole entertainment to hear those kinds of strange prompts.
Kiyoomi was happier than his usual self but not as cheerful as the previous days, Atsumu noticed right off the bat.
As the practice progressed he would be a liar if he said he wasn’t overly focused on Kiyoomi. It seems he might have jinxed it with his hopeful thinking as he walked to the gym this morning.
Half way through the practice Kiyoomi was snapping at little mistakes others made, notably him since he was his setter unfortunately. But after the outbursts he would cool down and somehow get back to being chummy with the rest of the team.
It would happen again and again, like a broken record, Atsumu could barely keep up.
The team felt on edge around Sakusa the whole day. As if one slip up would be the final blow that would break him and be irreparable. He always bounced back though, the team was relieved but worried because they didn’t know what the fuck was going on.
Back in the dressing room when Kiyoomi was in the shower Inunaki broke the silence, “Finally I feel like I can breathe without being scolded for doing it wrong,” It was delivered as a joke but Atsumu felt his skin crawl with the need to defend his teammate.
Before he could say anything their captain spoke clearly and firmly, “I understand that we all felt a bit on edge today. Hopefully it was just a bad day and we can move past this. If it continues I will talk to him but for now let’s try to understand that people deal with their own struggles in different ways.
“Unfortunately it can come out on those around us, but if it escalates it will be taken care of,” Meian concluded. “Keep in mind that gossip will not be tolerated, alright? Thank you,” Everyone muttered an ‘okay’ before turning to do their own thing.
A lot has happened since the first time Atsumu and the team have experienced a cluster of days like that exhibited by Kiyoomi. The last time it happened, quite frankly, was one of the best days of Atsumu’s life.
It was a Saturday night and the whole team had gone out to a local bar after a scrimmage game against a local lower division team. A ‘few’ drinks had been consumed and it was quite rowdy to say the least.
It was rare that Kiyoomi came out with them let alone actually partake in drinking with them. So when he agreed with the most sincere smile that reached his eyes and nearly gave Atsumu a heart attack it was hard to turn down shots after shots he offered to take with him.
Atsumu would never turn down a free shot with the man who has been infiltrating his mind like crazy lately. Kiyoomi has been paying for several rounds for the whole table, to the point Atsumu would be scared to even look at his credit card statement the next morning.
Pushing those thoughts aside he focused his mind back to the heat resting against his right arm, “Are you okay?” It was slurred but coherent enough to get the point across. Kiyoomi pushed off of him only to face him with a gaze that almost knocked him on his ass.
“Come back to my place,” he said firmly, confidently. Without another word Atsumu nodded.
The morning after, Atsumu woke up in an empty bed with ruffled bed sheets and a wicked headache. He sat up quickly, regretfully, and looked around the room.
The curtains were dark, blocking the light, his clothes were laid out at the foot of the bed. He shut his eyes for a second and took a couple deep breaths, processing the fact that he had slept with Sakusa Kiyoomi. The man he had started to grow feelings for. And he doesn’t remember it.
He reached over on the side table for his phone, the time reading 7:45am. Jesus, it was too early for a hangover on a Sunday. Ignoring the messages he received from friends he opened a chat with his brother.
[Atsumu]: ur gonna fucking kill me
After sending the message he decided to get up and get dressed. Kiyoomi was In the living room drinking what smells like coffee from a mug with the university he graduated from plastered on the side.
“Goodmorning,” Kiyoomi said with a small smile.
“Uh, hey,”
“Some painkillers next to the sink for you with a clean glass. Didn’t think you’d be up so early. Do you want me to make you something?”
Atsumu paused, processing everything, his brain felt like mush. Why was everything so casual?
“Uh, I think I should head out, yeah?” As he swallowed down the painkillers and turned around Kiyoomi was standing behind him leaning on the counter. Fuck, he moved so quietly.
There was a frown on his face, “What do you remember from last night?” Avoiding eye contact at all costs Atsumu stuttered and stumbled trying to find his words, “Sit down?” Kiyoomi interrupted, gesturing to the chair.
“I know we drank a lot last night. It might not have been ideal, but things did happen and I remember quite a bit. Tell me what you remember so we can talk about it,”
Atsumu pressed his face into his palms, “Nuthin,” as he rubbed his eyes.
“Oh, okay. Um. So we had sex, as I’m sure you’ve deduced. You bottomed,” Kiyoomi threw in for the hell of it. Atsumu groaned in embarrassment, “I won’t go into too many details since you seem clearly too embarrassed.
“Afterwards, we just talked. You told me how you have been thinking about that for a while. I asked you if you would be interested in going on a date sometime, you agreed, telling me you had a crush on me for quote ‘years and years’... If you want to retract anything you can tell me now, that’s okay,”
Atsumu peeked through his fingers to see a soft smile looking back at him, his stomach flipped and he felt a wave of warmth flood his face. “Ugh… but no, I don’t take anythin' back,” He stood abruptly, “I will be leaving now though, before I make more embarrassin' comments. Bye,”
Before Kiyoomi could even say goodbye Atsumu darted out of the door, forgoing his shoes and anything else he may have forgotten.
After Atsumu left Kiyoomi made his way to his washroom. He opened his cupboard and stared at the pill bottles lined up one by one, only two with labels and his name. Four stood labelless, while two ‘vitamin’ bottles hid other dirty secrets. He reached for one of the labelless pill bottles and popped off the top. Several pills rattled around as he poured out one of them into the palm of his hand.
In the drawer next to his right hip he pulled out a singular razor blade. He left his bathroom with a pill in one hand and a razor blade in the other. Making his way to his bedroom he found his clean rolling tray and containers of pre cut paper straws. Muscle memory guided him through the next steps.
Cut, crush, sniff.
He put aside the other half of the pill for now and he stood up tilting his head up slightly. He felt giddy thinking about the high before it even kicked in, despite how silly it sounded.
Grabbing a small blanket and a pack of cigarettes he made his way to the balcony. One of the few features of the condo that sold it for him.
It was a genuinely difficult decision for him to make, live in the MSBY dorms, or get a place of his own. Living here spared him the pain of having to look through many different websites and compare prices between places, plus this was already furnished with decent enough furniture.
On the down side there were more opportunities for his nosy teammates to come over and snoop through his stuff. Or they could come for a surprise visit when he was not in his right mind and completely blow the cover of his bad habit.
On the balcony he had a small outdoor table with an ashtray and two chairs, though the second is rarely occupied.
He wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and lit up a cigarette whilst looking down at the pedestrians going about their mornings. He was thankful that his balcony faced the back of the building rather than the entrance.
It would be unfortunate if one of the boys were to find out about his smoking habit by witnessing him having a solitary smoke sesh on the balcony wrapped in a blanket, as he - unknowingly to them - waited for his Oxy to kick in.
Just as his cigarette was getting to the end he started feeling the familiar warmth at the base of his skull. He closed his eyes into the feeling, letting the feeling consume him as he flicked the butt of his cigarette into the ashtray.
Propping one knee onto the seat and resting his arm and head on it he held himself contently. Relishing in the way his guilty pleasures washed over him, making him focus solely on the present moment. He felt the first itch tickle at his nose, his stomach flipped and flooded with warmth. He soon started to feel the itchiness spread, so he scratched.
His spine tingled as he stretched his whole body out as if he were a cat on its back. God, what a feeling that would be, he thought. Splayed out in the sunlight, someone scratching all the right places, this feeling of pure joy and bliss. There is nothing he could think of that could beat that.
He reentered his condo with a content, relaxed smile. After satisfying his thirst he retrieved the phone laying idle on the living room table. He found three unread messages. One from Atsumu and two from his cousin, Komori.
[Atsumu]: left my shoes :( I’ll pick them up later today lol
Sakusa scoffed.
[Komori]: hey man, how've you been?
[Komori]: FaceTime later?
[Sakusa]: Sure, noon?
He waited for a confirmation which came in quickly after he sent the text before heading to the bathroom and turning on the shower.
Showers felt the best when he was high. Despite not fully processing the heat of the water, the sensation alone of it hitting his skin was enough to have him standing there for what felt like hours. His skin was red when he got out, he laughed wiping the steam from the mirror, he felt like a lobster.
When noon rolled around he had his phone set up on the living room table and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he sat on the couch. His phone rang five minutes after twelve.
Motoya arguably knew the most about Kiyoomi. He might not have been there to witness everything that happened in college but he had his ways of getting Kiyoomi to speak. Kiyoomi eventually gave up on trying to keep major events or drama from Motoya because he would always find a way to pry.
So, when it came to telling his cousin about Atsumu… The story spilled quite easily, Kiyoomi was excited to talk about it. Motoya listened to Kiyoomi rant about how pretty ‘Miya’ looked at the bar, all week he looked extra radiant, glowing.
“I just don’t understand how he’s so-” Kiyoomi threw his head back groaning in frustration, “so hot. I can’t believe I fuckin’ bagged him. I just had this feeling in my chest to just blurt it out, ask him to come home with me. I was drunk, yes, but it was like all my yearning just reached out for him at that moment and I just said it and didn’t look back.
“God, his lips? Motoya… I- good lord. It was my first time topping in so long too, god his reactions were to die for. Literally better than what I ever imagined,”
“Alright alright! I don’t want to hear anymore! Enough,” Motoya covered his ears with his hands as he had his phone propped up on something. Kiyoomi laughed and leaned back into the couch. Despite Komori having seen Kiyoomi through every mood, altered state of mind, etc. he sucked at knowing and identifying them. He knew something wasn’t quite right but he just didn’t know what.
Sometimes his moods would come across as a bad high, or a good high… Sometimes his moods just seemed like come downs. He never knew when Kiyoomi was influenced by the chemicals he ingested or by the natural chemical imbalance in his brain.
Even though Kiyoomi told him a lot, there were some things he was reluctant to share. When he was actively high or doing drugs he would never let Motoya know. If he was consciously going through a difficult time he would wait until it passed before reaching out. It wasn’t as if he was scared that Motoya would hardcore judge him and never speak to him again… He would’ve done that already if he was going to.
Kiyoomi already feels as if his life is a burden on Komori. Adding any more stress or letting him in on how he’s actually doing just doesn’t feel worth it.
He worried about him enough as is. If Motoya thought he was doing well, he could appear well enough for the time being.