Archive of Our Own

When Xavier is 10, mommy is very sick and daddy is very busy.

But they are both gonna come to the “Parent come to School Day”. 

You bet. 

Well, he hasn't actually asked Daddy yet, he’s waiting for him to get back from his show in Vegas to tell him about it. He's usually in a good mood the first few days after he gets home and he's going to take that moment to ask him to come. Anyway, Toby, his classmate, told him that his father told him that there has never been a parent who hasn't shown up for Parent come to School Day since the school was founded. Xavier has nothing to worry about.

At school it’s the hot topic of the week and the preparations for the big day seem endless. Classes are suspended and the children spend all day coloring posters and putting glitter on the stars to hang in the hallway.

Xavier is busy making the best drawings so that when they show them to his parents, Dad can finally see without a doubt how good he is.

Last time Xavier showed daddy a drawing (it was the two of them on a boat, with the sun and the clouds and the red fishes and the ocean), he snatched it up screaming that his son would grow up like a real man and not a fagot and that he had to stop wasting his time on this bullshit.

But this time… this time Dad would see how good he is at drawing and will congratulate him in front of the whole school and hug him and say he is sorry for not seeing his talent sooner.

Maybe, maybe he will like his drawings so so much that he will take them around the world and show them at all his shows saying “Look, these are my son Xavier's drawings and he is the best artist in the world and I love him more than anything!"

Xavier feels his heart flutter faster at the thought.

Mommy also likes his drawings a lot. She calls him “her little prodigy”. On days when she's too sick to get off the couch, she likes to watch him as he draws landscapes of sunny hills and snowy mountains. She showers him with compliments, even though sometimes mommy can't speak very well and her thoughts are very confused. 

It's a side effect of the meds.

Xavier thinks those meds are only making her sicker, but he's not a doctor so what can he know.

Daddy says mommy isn't sick at all, that she's just being weak.

Daddy is very mean sometimes.

Often.

(All time.)

In any case, his mommy promised him that for the Parent Come to School Day she will feel better and that she would certainly not miss such an important day for Xavier.

She swore it, pinkies crossed and all.

But when Daddy returns from Vegas he's not in as good a mood as Xavier hoped. But never mind, nothing would stop him in his mission to bring dad to school.

Xavier has to show him all his paintings, so Daddy will like him more and be good with him more often.

Plus, all his friends wanted to see the great Vincent Thorpe in action and Xavier would not disappoint them. 

At dinner Xavier wants to wait for dessert to make the big announcement. Or rather, he wants to wait for dad to get to dessert because mom hasn't eaten anything (side effect of the meds, she hardly ever eats and she's very thin) and he's too excited to pay attention to his own growling stomach. He spent the whole dinner turning food around his plate while repeating in his head the speech he had prepared the day before.

“Jesus Xavier, what is it now? Your smiling and shit is starting to get on my nerves now." Daddy asks, snorting and slamming his fork on the table.

Xavier doesn't really like it when his dad slams things because it's always a sign that things are about to go down and it scares him.

He scares him.

But that night it doesn't matter, that night is the night of the change.

“Well Dad, thanks for finally asking me!” he settles back in his chair and clears his throat. He hints at a smile but Vincent doesn't reciprocate so he continues his speech.

He can do it, there is nothing to be afraid of.

Even if he is afraid of dad more often than he wants to admit.

“You see, Parent come to School Day will be held in two days and-”

"No." Dad replies before he can even finish "Get the idea that I have time for this shit out of your mind, boy."

Get the idea that I have time for you out of your head.

"But Daddy please! All the other parents will come!"

"Don't make me say it twice Xavier, you know you piss me off when you do that." he intimates, pointing a finger at him as a warning.

Any other time, Xavier would have given up defeated. But this is too important.

“Mommy will come too…” he whispers almost in a low voice, because he doesn't know if this is in favor for or against the cause.

“Your mother? She doesn't even want to get off the sofa, let alone come and waste her time with this nonsense." he replies, with those increasingly mean eyes that come out when he is talking about mom.

“It's not true that mom doesn't want to, don't say that. Mommy is sick."

Xavier hates it when he says those things. When he treats his mom’s illness as if it doesn’t exist, as if she isn’t in front of his eyes.

"Hell boy, do you still believe all the bullshit your mother tells you?"

“Vincent…” is the first thing mommy says since the discussion began, her tone between exasperated and tired. Xavier knows that that too is a side effect of the meds: they make her tired, so tired she can't even think.

"Wake up you idiot, your mother isn't sick at all." and as he says it, he slams his palm on the table, dropping cutlery and glasses. Xavier closes his eyes and covers his head, in case his father decides to play target shooting like last month.

Daddy is getting furious and Xavier knows it but his self-preservation instinct doesn't overcome the idea that he has to protect his mother from those cruel words.

"Yes she is, I won't let you treat her like that." he says it through gritted teeth, because he's a brave boy but not brave enough to face a man twice his size head on.

“And you, stop filling his head with this bullshit. Can't you see he’s growing up like a fagot? Is that what you want?" says Vincent turning to mommy, who stares at the space behind the man without really seeing him.

“Daddy stop it!” Xavier gets up from his chair and stands in front of his father. Mom is sick and if he has to get the man's attention so he doesn't turn on her, then so be it.

“Oh Vincent, when you will stop with your delusions of grandeur and start being a father, then I will let you tell me how to raise my son.” his voice is empty of any emotion, as if she were reciting from a script.

“Oh please, it was your idea to keep him and now you have to take responsibility for him.”

It hurts a little to hear his father say those things, but he buries the feeling deep in his heart. He'll spend all night repeating those words to himself until they lose their meaning, like he's done so far with all the other hurtful things daddy has said to him since he can remember.

“Vincent, he's not a dog. He is your only son. I guess. I don't know, maybe we should go ask the whores in Vegas if there's another Thorpe around the world." mommy gives a hint of a smile and she knows dad doesn't like it when she does that.

“Is that why you stuff yourself with pills? Because you are jealous of the life I do when you're not around?” He asks, getting up from the table and spreading his arms blatantly like he does when he’s at one of his shows.

"Mom has to take her medicines, do you want her to die?"

“When are you going to tell him the truth Barbara? When are you going to tell him what kind of woman is his mother? You and your sickness, you just want someone to take care of you because you're too weak to do it on your own."

“Don't you dare say another word against mom, do you understand? I won't let you." and as he is saying it he pushes dad to make him back off from mommy, who in the meantime has taken her face in her hands to hide her tears. 

He had made her cry.

Again.

But Dad is too strong, so he pushes him back and Xavier falls to the ground.

“Look how he defends you, you raised him as a guard dog. I can't even look at him. You are weak like your mother, sometimes I doubt that you can really be my son."

And with that he leaves, letting silence fill the space left by all the unsaid things.

Mommy is crying and Xavier would like to cry too but he has to be strong for her because mommy needs him. She always tells him: without Xavier she would die.

So he gets up the floor and hugs her tightly, while she repeats him how much his daddy is a bad person, a liar, a cheater and other words that Xavier doesn't know the meaning of.

She tells him that he is the only thing keeping her alive, that if Xavier were to ever abandon her she would not survive. Xavier tells her that he will never leave her, but her words distress him more than flatter him.

What if Xavier fails? If mom die, would it be his fault alone? For not taking care of her?

The Parent come to School Day arrives and mommy, as promised, accompanies him. That day she is healthy enough to be able to get out of bed, but she sways when she walks and has a strange smile on her face. A fake smile, because her eyes are distant from the present and blurred as if she doesn't really see what is around her.

But mommy says that they are side effects of the medicines, but that she is actually very happy to be there with him.

Xavier thinks that he will make that day the best day of her life and make her even happier. He will give it his all.

But mommy looks sad and she doesn't participate in group games like all the other parents. The others avoid her when she bring her to meet his classmates’s parents and the other moms whisper to each other and Xavier knows they're talking about her.

But how can they judge her, when mommy is just very sick and her meds make her a shadow of her former self. They are all healthy, what can they understand?

When he shows her his drawings, mom says they're beautiful but it's like she doesn't really see them. Xavier thinks that he did his best to make them as beautiful as he could but it’s not enough. It doesn't matter, because he would improve even more and his mommy will be so proud of him.

Who cares if Daddy will never see his talent, he will draw just to make mommy happy from now on.

And when the other kids play sack race with their parents, Xavier knows Mommy is too weak for that sort of thing so he takes her to the garden behind the school to show her all the little plants that had grown.

He smile and point to all the little flowers, telling her names and stories and memories. He smile, and he laugh and try so hard to understand what she likes and what she doesn’t.

But she doesn't seem enthusiastic at all, so Xavier decides to take her to the gym where there is music and everyone dances. They will dance like when he was little and she would make him pirouette all around the house.

He was the one who insisted she come to Parent Come to School Day and now it's his responsibility to keep her entertained. And if she isn’t, it's his fault alone.

But she can't dance like the others, she can't pick him up or do the flips because they're making her all pale and sweaty and everyone's looking at them with that look of disapproval that Xavier doesn't understand.

So he takes her back out in the garden and takes her hands, they dance a bit to the music that comes out of the open windows of the gymnasium. But mommy is still sad and he doesn't know what to do anymore. Maybe he should go to Toby and ask him how he made his mommy and daddy smile all the time. Maybe the other kids know things he doesn't about keeping their parents happy. He feels like when he missed a math lesson and while everyone understands what the teacher writes on the blackboard, he's standing there like an idiot who doesn't get anything.

He wants to try something else, but mommy tells him she doesn't want to stay there anymore and she wants to be taken home. Xavier feels like he failed the day on all fronts.

He wants to tell her to give him a second chance, to stay just and other half an hour and that he will think of other ways to have fun together. He wants to tell her that he will not let her down like daddy does, but he needs a moment to think of something else they can do together. But he doesn’t say anything cause he doesn’t want to upset her even more, so they leave.

When they get home she sits on the couch and he stays next to her while she stares at a point on the wall. He waits and waits and waits hoping she'll tell him something, anything. That she had fun, that she liked his drawings, thank him for the nice day that Xavier know wasn’t nice at all but he tried his very best. But she says nothing and he just sits beside her waiting, still smiling cause maybe if she see him smile she will smile back and that’s a little step towards happiness.

But she won't say a word to him again. Not even at dinner, not even when Xavier defends her from dad's cruel words and not even when those words are directed at him.

In the evening, before going to sleep, he sees her taking a lot of medicine. Xavier would like to tell her that maybe there are too many, but he's not a doctor so what can he know about it.

He waits for her to say goodnight, but she doesn't and Xavier knows she's mad at him. If only he knew other children's secrets, mommy would have had more fun and now she would be happy.

If only.

If only he had told her those meds were too much.

-

When Xavier is 15, mom is gone and father is very busy.

Ever since Mom died, things have only gotten worse.

And much of that deterioration is Xavier's own fault, even if it's hard to admit it sometimes.

It took him six months to understand that his mother's death was not due to any sickness.

(That she didn't die because she let her down that day at school.)

(He’s still not sure about it though.)

(He should ask her next time he see her.)

That she's never really been sick in the first place.

Another six months to process it. To process all the lies he'd been told, all the times he'd been at home taking care of his mother, when she was the one who should have been taking care of him. Metabolize all the times that he had defended her, that she had let herself be defended, from the cruel words of his father without knowing the truth. Metabolizing a childhood stolen from him by the needs and requests and problems of a woman who was the very cause of her own evil.

And after that, Xavier withdrew into himself.

The three years of Middle School go by in an instant, with no friends, no parties, nothing. Just he and his drawings that have transformed from the colored landscapes that mother loved to thick black lines pressed forcefully on the sheet and without any meaning.

As a sophomore in high school, things can't be said to have improved. In fact, if it could get worse, it got worse. Friends still don't exist, but the parties… oh the parties. He's not invited to any of them, let’s make that clear. But he sneaks in anyway, taking advantage of that slim amount of time when the guests are drunk enough not to notice but the booze and drugs aren't over yet. 

He accepts shots of tequila and lines of coke from faceless persons, swallows pills of who knows what and sometimes he's even let them shoot him up. 

(It only happened twice though. When he was already too fucking high to notice that someone dragged him to the bathroom of who know who’s house and rolled up his sleeves.)

(He felt a pinch and then black.)

(Both times he woke up facedown on the front lawn of his house, vomit-stained sweatshirt and unbuttoned pants.)

(And blood and salty taste-)

(Collateral effects of the medicine-)

(Vincent was furious. They even took pictures of him but Daddy dearest denied that the young boy in the photos was his son cause his son would never.)

He takes what he can find in those parties and leaves before things can escalate. Then he walks to the cemetery and lies down next to his mother's grave, in the hope that she will appear again in those terrible visions he has.

And she does. Every time.

And she does nothing, stand there like a statue in a more healthy and beautiful shape than her last days on heart.

Like he remembers her when Xavier was really young.

(He yells at her, hold back everything she did to him. All the pain she caused him.)

(He tells her that everything has gotten worse since she's gone.)

(He asks her if she ever really loved him.)

The visions appeared a couple of months after mom died. They are terrible and often meaningless. They come to him when he sleeps and he doesn't know how to stop them. 

His father ordered him to learn how to control them, otherwise they would drive him crazy. 

He didn't listen and now he feels like he's losing his mind.

His father.

Everything has gone to hell with him too since she died.

(For a moment, just one tiny instant, he thought that once Mommy died things would get better between them.)

(After all, she was the problem in their relationship. Mommy and her lies.)

(He was wrong and he wish he never made such thoughts.)

(“Oh please, it was your idea to keep him and now you have to take responsibility for him.”)

After Mom died, Vincent Thorpe had a big drop in income from his shows. His wife's death, it seems, has created an undesirable turmoil which has put his person in a bad light.

Because of this, he now spends much more time at home and in a bad mood. He still does a few shows and Xavier enjoys those moments of solitude more than everything.

But when he's home, his life becomes hell.

Vincent is strict. 

Vincent thinks Xavier is a fagot, a weak with a head full of his mother's bullshit.

(Vincent likes corporal punishment.)

(Vincent likes the belt.)

(Vincent likes when he is on his knees and pray.)

(Forgive me Father, cause I have sinned.)

Vincent doesn't like it when Xavier comes home staggering, with his nose stained with white powder and his clothes damp with the dew from the cemetery grass.

But at least Vincent isn't like mom, he doesn't pretend to love him and then stab him in the back. Vincent hates him and he made it clear from the first day after mom died.

Yes sir. No sir. Sorry sir.

That's what their relationship came down to.

(Please sir. No more sir. I beg you sir.)

(Stop dad, stop!)

And if there's one thing Vincent hates most of all, it's having to pick him up at the Principal's office.

“I’m too busy for you bullshit, Xavier. I don’t have time for you visit to the Principal’s office. I have shows to do and places to go. Make me come to your school one more time and you will regret the day you were born boy. I swear to God I dare you to make me waste my time one more time.” 

He would say it with his booming voice that, when Xavier is too high to function, he find very funny.

But he arrived at school that morning stuffed with Vicodin and some others things he’s not sure what they are for and now his head is full of cotton. He walks down the corridors and the floor slides under his feet even though he doesn't feel like he's walking at all.

He enters the science lab and trips over a stool leg, landing on his face. Half of those present laugh at how high he is, the other half whispers about why he is so high. The professor looks at him disgustedly.

Sitting at his counter seems like a feat to him, but one way or another he succeeds.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees his mother, but he knows that if he turn around she will disappear. She always does when he isn’t at her grave.

Xavier thinks he only has to last two hours. Two hours and then he can sneak into the back of the school and spend the rest of the day smoking and staring into space.

Only two hours.

He feels sweaty all over, his palms so slippery the pencil slips from his grip. He feels the hair sticking to his forehead and neck.

(You better cut your hair boy, they are too long you are starting to look like a girl.)

(Mom liked to run her fingers through his hair.)

(Cut them Xavier, or you know how it’s gonna end for you.)

(Yes sir.)

He lasts half an hour before he throw up his whole breakfast on his counter.

The professor yanks him by the arm and makes his way to the principal's office. He risk losing his balance several times and ending up face down in the middle of the corridor.

When they arrive at their destination, the Principal informs him that he will have to call his father.

(Oh this is gonna end so bad for him.)

(Forgive me father, for I have sinned.)

Xavier stares. His mouth is dry but he feels the shirt sticking to his back from how much he's sweating. He looks at the principal in the hope that his eyes will convey the plea that he can't say.

Apparently he can’t and when Vincent answers the phone Xavier knows that everything will go to hell.

(He would like mommy to come out of the shadows and take him by the hand, to lead him to the place where the withered flowers rest.)

Sergeant Hartman* enters the office and if one look could kill Xavier he would have died there, in excruciating pain.

But in a moment he smiles, shakes the principal's hand and apologizes for being late. You know, Mr. Principal, between shows and everything there is little time left for anything else. But for Xavier this and more.

He gets told the reason for the unexpected call. The man tells him about the incident, using the reverent tone people use when faced with a celebrity. 

Vincent apologizes for the inconvenience. 

Vincent squeezes his shoulder and Xavier manages to let out a verse that could resemble an apology. 

Vincent tells to Principal of how his mother passed away, how she was seriously ill, how Xavier is having a very difficult time and asks for understanding.

(They talk as if he wasn’t there, as if he was a naughty dog waiting in a crouch next to his owner who apologizes for the incident.)

A couple more apologies, a pat on the back, a handshake and it's all over. How easy is the life of a teenager without a mother and with a rich and famous father.

At home, Vincent is furious. He can barely keep the calm for not destroy the house. Xavier sits down at the table, too exhausted to stand.

He wants to take a shower, but when all this drama will be over, he knows he'll be lucky if he will be able to reach the couch.

“Do you have any idea of what you did?” he yells and Xavier echoes all too loud in his head.

Vincent stomps around the room, back and forth back and forth and back and forth.

Then suddenly he feels an hand grabbing his hair and slamming his head against the table. When Vincent forces his head up, Xavier feels the blood drip from his nose into his mouth.

The metallic taste makes him nauseous.

"Well? Do you have a vague idea?” he screams in his ear but to him it seems that Vincent's voice comes directly from inside his head.

Xavier still hasn't learned how to tell the difference between when his father really wants an answer and when he wants him to shut the fuck up.

When in doubt he doesn't answer and when he feels his forehead hit the wood of the table again, he knows he's made the wrong decision.

“Answer me when I talk to you, boy. Do you have a vague idea or not?”

"No sir." he tries to say in as firm a voice as possible because Vincent doesn't like it when he mumble and now is not really the time to annoy him.

"No, of course not!"

His grip on his hair tightens and Xavier registers too late that he's about to be thrown to the floor, thus failing to break his fall.

(Somewhere in his brain someone is laughing because his father hates his long hair but damn if he likes to grab them and pull and push.)

(Maybe it's about time he cut them.)

“I don't know what to do with you anymore, Xavier.” The kick in the ribs comes fast and he begins to cough, spitting the blood that had dripped from his nose into his mouth onto the floor.

"I'm sorry sir."

Once he realizes that this is one of those times his father wants to hear him speak, Xavier knows what to say and when to say it as if he was acting.

(He is acting, a play he and his father put on but only the latter likes.)

(A play for his father's sadistic eyes because all of this will solve nothing and and they both know it.)

“I tried, you know? After your mother died…"

He walks around him like a predator and Xavier wishes he was braver but when he hears the sound of the belt slipping off Vincent trousers, he curls up like a child and start to shiver.

“… I tried to raise you like a man. But you made it impossible.”

His eyes are closed but he hears the buckle click as it slap against Vincent's leg and he feels like crying.

He would like to be braver. He promises himself that he will be braver next time. He swears this is the last time he will let the man overwhelm him.

(It's a fairy tale that he repeats every time he finds himself the victim of his father's fury, but each time he believes it a little less.)

(Each time he believes a little more that all of this will end the day Vincent fails to stop himself and kills him.)

“What did you want to obtain, going to school high as fuck?”

"I don't know sir."

“Did you want to get my attention?”

"No sir."

“I really think that’s what you wanted, boy.”

“Yes sir.”

“I know, because you are just like your mother. Always in need of attention, her and those fucking pills. And you are the same, she raised you too deep down and I arrived too late. By the time i stepped in you were already ruined.”

He would like to say something, he would like to defend his mother. He wishes he had the same courage as when he was ten years old. But then there was mom and everything was different.

This is a nightmare.

“Take off your hoodie, Xavier.” He says it in a calm tone and he knows that this time the blows will be precise and calculated, not like when he's so mad he can't see anymore.

"Please sir, I'm sorry."

“I said take off your hoodie. You know I hate it when I have to repeat myself."

And he does it, with trembling hands he takes off the wet sweater and throw it away. He shivers because he's scared and shivers because Vicodin makes him cold after making him sweat from the heat.

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.)

When the belt’s buckle hits his back, Xavier sees white. It is an excruciating pain that, for a second, deprives him of all senses.

Not a sound comes out of his mouth, the first three blows.

(Because he's a man, not a fagot.)

From there on his back burns so much that it seems to be made of hot coals.

He begins to whisper (or screaming, he doesn’t really know) a series of prayers but his voice doesn't even reach his own ears so he doesn't know if Vincent isn't hearing him or if he's deliberately ignoring him.

(The second the second the second!)

Sir becomes Dad because his mind seems to regress to a more infantile state where Xavier believes that it is enough to break the barrier of formality for his father to remember that what he is whipping is his own son. Blood of his blood.

But Vincent stops centuries, millennia maybe light years later.

He grabs him by the hair and looks at Xavier's face, now covered in blood and tears, with a disgusted grimace.

“I'll take you to Nevermore before the principal can expel you for your reprehensible behavior. I'm not going to let it ruin my career by making the headlines for being kicked out of school cause you are a fucking addict.” 

He says with the voice of someone proclaiming a death sentence.

“There they will detox you from all that crap you use. You'll finish high school there and then you can do whatever you want, I don't care."

"Dad, I beg you-" but Vincent's hand tugs at his hair and he shuts up.

“I'm not going to visit you Xavier, I want to make that clear. I’ll drop you there and it will be the last time you see me. I did all I could with you, but your mother ruined you too much."

He says it almost as if he was sorry, as if he was looking at a beautiful painting scarred by a pagan blade.

(Xavier wants to vomit.)

“You will tell everyone, classmates and teachers, that we talk on a daily basis but I'm too busy to come and see you in person.

You will come home for the holidays and I will hire someone to keep an eye on you throughout the summer to prevent you from getting wasted again.

I need you to stay out of the tabloids so you don't ruin my career with your bullshit.

I can't make you disappear completely from my life like I would love to do, otherwise it would be suspicious and my career will end up like when your mother died.

This is a compromise that works for me, and you'll make that work for you as well.”

This is not a compromise at all, and they both know it.

This is dad giving up on him and Xavier is being left with nothing again.

(Again and again and again like he was born for this.)

(Like he was born for being used and discarded.)

“No more bullshit Xavier, I've wasted way too much time with you. This is it."

Vincent suddenly lets go and his head falls to the floor like a dead weight.

The last thing he thinks about before he passes out is that he misses his mommy.

(Forgive me Mother, for I have sinned.)

-

When Xavier is 16, father is very busy.

The first few months at Nevermore are pretty rough. The rehabilitation process is not easy but the fact that his father is close to him during the most difficult moments is very helpful.

Dad is always very busy, he travels the world with his shows but always manages to find a moment for Xavier.

They miss each other a lot, but Xavier writes him a letter every weekend to tell him how his week has been and dad writes back two or three days later telling him about his shows and his adventures.

Oh no no, unfortunately he never gets to see him. Jericho is a long way from Thorpe Manor and the shows are never around Evermore.

At school his dad is a celebrity, everyone knows him. They ask him anecdotes, they ask him about visions and his magic tricks, someone even ask him if he is a good father. 

He says yes, and it's true.

(It’s true it’s true it’s true.)

If he managed to integrate into the strange and weird Evermore’s society, it's also thanks to the Great Vincent Thorpe whose fame precedes him.

Dad also remarried recently. At the Academy everyone is very happy about the merry news, even if Bianca jokes that she wished she knew about it before everyone else and not from the newspapers.

Xavier was obviously aware of everything, his dad updated him every week on his new flame (an old friend that Xavier has known since he was little). However, he had preferred to keep it secret from everyone, in order to maintain privacy.

He is very happy for him, his new stepmother was a very close friend of his mother and this pleases him.

Dad has repeatedly expressed his doubts about wanting to remarry, but Xavier has always reassured him by telling him that he is sure that mom is happy that he has found love again. In any case, his father has assured everyone that his mother will always have a special and irreplaceable place in his heart. In the heart of both of them.

Now Xavier has a mother figure back in his life and everyone tell him that he must be very happy about it, and he really is.

Of course he has also received the invitation to the wedding, but he sadly has to decline due to a oh so terrible food poisoning that has confined him to bed all week.

But Ajax had taken care of him just fine and, now that he is healed, he can’t wait to visit his new family.

Ajax.

Ajax is his friend. His best friend.

(Ajax is the best thing that had happened to him in his whole life.)

Ajax is his roommate.

Ajax is there when, as soon as he arrives at Evermore, he spends his days in bed sweating and agitating and crying, begging him to give him something anything please to stop the withdrawals.

(Begging him to give him something to die.)

Ajax is there when he spends three days in the bathroom vomiting non-stop. He holds back his hair, stroking his back when the sobs get so strong they make him gag all over again.

Ajax is also there when he spends a week balancing on the edge of his conscience, when he refuses to eat and sleep.

But Ajax is in class when Xavier, in those lately increasingly moments of lucidity, begins to write himself letters pretending to be his father. Inside are written the words that he would like to hear from that man who took everything away from him but whom he still loves because in the end he is his father.

And so he starts leaving sealed envelopes on the desk and Ajax hands them to him and Xavier proudly says they are from his father. Because his father loves him and regrets not being able to be near to his son in such a difficult moment.

(Ajax doesn't believe it Ajax doesn't believe it Ajax doesn't believe it Ajax doesn't believe it-)

And Ajax believes it, as does everyone else.

And when he finally detoxifies, the first thing Ajax does to insert him back into the world after spending four weeks between the clinic, the psychologist, the bed and the toilet bowl, is to take him to Jericho.

And it's the happiest day of his life.

They spend the whole morning out on the streets of the town. He takes him for walks in the woods and takes him to see the Founding Fathers Museum.

And Xavier wants to spend the whole day walking beside him so he smiles at him and tells him that yes, he would love to see the square in front of the town hall. Even if he can't feel his legs anymore because he's spent too much time sitting vomiting in front of the toilet and he feels like his legs are atrophied. Even if his head spins and there are black dots everywhere and he feels like fainting.

He doesn't say anything and keeps smiling because Ajax is trying to make him happy and Xavier won't act like his mother at the Parent Come to School Day. 

He won't disappoint him.

But Ajax understands it anyway because he’s now staggering like a zombies and he is so sorry. So he takes him to a diner, where he eats the best bagel ever and he wants to cry at how good it taste.

They go to the movies, they go get ice cream, they go do a lot of fun things but Ajax apologizes because there isn't much to do in Jericho but Xavier has never been happier in his life.

So their walks through Jericho become a weekend routine.

(Xavier thinks that without Ajax, he would have already thrown himself from the highest tower in Evermore.)

And then The Disaster happens.

The mural is for Ajax. Because he said he likes his crows and he should paint them on that wall so they could stop and look at them every Saturday after the bagel. And Xavier would do anything for Ajax so he accepts.

Then they arrive. Tyler and his friends. They pull him off the ladder and start beating him without any reason and any intention to stop. He lets them, because the last thing he needs is to get in trouble.

(And Vincent taught him well how to take a beating and these are amateurs in comparison.)

But then they hold him by the hair, forcing him to watch as their friend pours white paint on his mural.

He watch it as that guy ruin the only thing he had done to thank Ajax for everything.

He has time to make to two big crows come to life before the wall is too damaged. The birds attack and attack and attack until the police arrive.

He only feels the cold handcuffs closing around his wrists, the rest of the day sliding off him like water as he can't take his eyes off the disfigured mural.

(Can't do anything right can't do anything right can't do anything right.)

They lock him in a cell and put big chains on him. They treat him as if he was a dangerous creature while Xavier can't even lift an hand if he tries.

Somewhere around him someone is saying they're going to call his father for bail but he can't even react. His ribs and back hurt, he feels like a wound on his forehead is dripping blood, and he can't fully open one eye.

(Can't do anything right can't do anything right can't do anything right.)

After an indefinite time, Ajax comes to get him.

“I'm sorry Ajax, I'm so sorry. The mural, they ruined it… they… I couldn't do anything Ajax, I'm so sorry.”

He feels the tears wet his face and thinks that no one has ever seen him cry as many times as Ajax has seen him.

(Maybe because he's never cared about anyone as much as he cares for Ajax.)

"Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Now I'll get you out of there and then we'll go home, okay?” he asks in the voice people use when they’re talking to a frightened child.

But that's the version that Ajax knows about him.

Not the brave boy who protects his mother.

Not the troubled son who needs to be punished by his father.

A terrified boy who seems to have never lived a day in the world and that is scared by everything.

“I'm sorry Ajax, please forgive me…”

“I forgive you, even if you have nothing to be forgiven for. Now let's go home."

And when they gets home he falls asleep in the boy's arms, while he strokes his hair like his mother did.

(Can't do anything right can't do anything right can't do anything right.)

The next day Ajax slam the truth in his face.

“Do you know why I came to get you last night?”

“Cause they arrested me? What do you mean?"

“No Xavier. I mean yes, but that's not the point. The point is, you forgot your phone at home yesterday. And I admit I opened it but just-"

“You did what?”

“- because I wanted to call your father and warn him of the situation.”

“You had no right to do that, Ajax. No rights."

“Xavier, it's just my number in there. No calls, no texts form anyone else. And don’t even try with the letters bullshit. Where's your dad?"

But Xavier has nothing to say, because there is really nothing to say. He can keep up with the scene and pretend to be angry about the invasion of privacy, but the truth is that without Ajax he would still be locked in that prison with all those chains on.

"You know very well where my father is, don't you?" he smirks.

"Yes, I do."

And Xavier start to laugh maniacally cause Ajax is so smart so so smart and he has always been stupid, who did he think he could fool?

“How long have you known this?”

“Since the letters began to arrive, I had my first suspicions. Then all the times he didn't show up on the parent’s visits weekend. His marriage was just the last confirmation I needed, cause I knew you knew nothing about it and you weren’t invited at all. Why didn't you tell me anything?"

“Because he told me not to tell anyone. Vincent wants to keep his troubled son out of the tabloids but not enough to arouse suspicion of why he is out of the tabloids."

“He is an asshole.”

“He really is. And the wedding? I knew nothing of course but the best part is that what he told the newspapers are all lies. I don't know that woman, I have no idea who she is. She is not someone I knew when I was a kid and she is not mom’s friend neither. She must be one of those whores he fucked while my mother was overdosing on drugs."

“Is he the one who left those marks on your back? I saw them when u were detoxing, I had to change your shirt and…”

“They are disgusting, aren’t they?”

“They are not, Xavier don’t say-”

“But yeah, it was his favorite hobby back in the days. But he just couldn't get me back on track, despite him trying so hard, believe me. That's why he threw me here. It's just a way for not taking responsibility for the mess he and mom made in my head.

And I'd like to tell you that I'm glad he's gone out of my life but I’m not and I don't know why. I hate him, I hate him more than any other person in the world but then I see you and everyone else with your parents and I think why not me?”

“You don't need him, Xavier.”

"I know it. I know I don't need him. But I want him. I want what you have with your mom and dad and I don't know what I did to not deserve it. I don't know what I did wrong, I don't know when I did wrong."

And he starts to cry, but not in that pathetic, childish way he usually has. It's a silent cry, as if a faucet had been turned on behind his eyes.

That night Ajax holds him in his arms and lets him cry all his tears.

(Forgive me Ajax, for I have sinned.)

-

When Xavier is 17, Wednesday arrive to Nevermore.

And everything go to hell.

Cause she uses him like his mother used to do.

And he loves her like he used to love his mother.

(Collateral effects of the medicine.)

(Forgive me, for I have sinned.)

Fin.