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Dipper cursed under his breath at the tiny gang of gnomes who cackled as they led him to the tallest building in their gnome village, (about the height of the absolutely ancient speaker set that Grunkle Stan refused to give away because “it still works, if you want one of those fancy bluetooth speakers either steal it or buy it yourself kid!”) pulling him along a loose vine near his hip, forcing him to walk past the gnome village, bound tightly by a bunch of vines after accidentally falling into their “wife trap” while trying to inspect velociraptor prints he had found in the edge of the forest.
“Wooo eee, boss yer not gonna BELIEVE THIS!!!” The white-bearded gnome who sounded eerily like Mcgucket knocked on the door. The door opened, the king gnome (?) walking out of his tiny castle, luckily saving Dipper the humiliation of having to crawl on his belly to enter.
“My WIFE TRAP!!!” The man cried out, doing a little dance, clicking his heels together in the air. “It’s finally gone and trapped me a wife!!” He leered at Dipper, smirking.
“But sir!” A weirdly buff gnome who he assumed was this gnome king’s (??) the bodyguard interrupted his happy dance. “This human appears to be a male!”
The gnome king (???) frowned at him, causing the buff gnome to cower. “You ain’t think I got eyeballs Jerry?! Of course I know he’s male, but look at ‘em, he’s feminine enough for me to consider him my wife!”
“ Excuse you.” Dipper scowled at the brown-bearded gnome, exasperated with himself for having screwed up on enough life decisions to lead him to being in a situation where his masculinity was being insulted by an elderly gnome. “Anyways, there seems to be a misunderstanding, I am not getting married to some elderly garden gnome, I just lost my step in the forest so if you could please just let me go-”
“Silence!” The gnome king (????) gestured for Jerry the buff gnome to kick Dipper’s ankles. “You will be my wife, I have wasted enough of my vines catching stupid phoenix’s and unicorn, I will not be passing on such a wonderful opportunity.”
Before Dipper had a chance to use rather colorful language to curse this gnome out, the Mcgucket gnome interjected, “Now, now, as the town lawyer, I must remind ya sir that there is a rule against forcing the victim of your wife trap to marry yer without the consent of the wife.”
Dipper was about to celebrate, but instead noticed the smug grin of the gnome king (?????), killing any remaining hope he had. “Well, well, well. You think I didn’t know that? My ex-wife’s failed attempts to murder me is the reason that their law was put in place!”
Dipper sighed heavily, thoroughly regretting his life decisions, “I wonder if I just fall forward if the impact of this castle would be enough to give me a concussion?”
The gnome king (??????) ignored him and continued, “So I decided to make sure that any new wife caught in my wife trap would consent to being my wife beforehand! Look closely at the vine he got caught in gentlemen.”
Jerry the buff gnome snatched the loose vine from McGucket the gnomes hand, squinting his eyes as he examined it, “By stepping on this here vine and getting stuck like a dinosaur in amber, you consent to be Jeff Geoff Goffrey’s wife.”
“Well bury me in the ground and call me a groundhog,” McGucket gnome snapped his fingers, “I’ll be darn tooting, looks like you’ve got yourself a wife who finally consents to being your wife!”
“What?! No!!!” Dipper yelped, “I couldn’t have possibly had read that, the writings to tiny! Plus it’s a VINE in a FOREST! I can’t be expected to examine every single vine I come across for an agreement to marriage!”
“Jerry,” The gnome king dismissed him again (no wonder he couldn’t find a wife naturally) “go send the Wedding Invitations to the Mystery Shack and stop by to get a cake on your way back, the wedding will be at sunset!” Jerry the buff gnome nodded and quickly began awkwardly jogging out into the forest. “Jason, go and invite the boys from the neighboring gnome villages – you know who I like and who I don’t – and tell them about my wedding and keep an eye on my bride, I need to start preparing for my big day!” And before Dipper could get out another word, the tiny gnome door was slammed shut on him.
“Ugh, this is not fair! That contract has got to be breaking some kind of laws or, or something!” Dipper sputtered, glancing at Jason, the gnome who gave him a blank looking smile.
“I don’t really agree either if it helps!” He beamed, as if expecting validation and praise from Dipper who merely rolled his eyes.
“Well you're a lawyer! Raise a complaint, find a judge to review the situation or something!”
“I would kid, but cases take ages to get reviewed by a judge around here,” he began leading Dipper into the woods, “I’m the town’s only judge, and I got a nasty habit of putting things off until the last minute.”
Yeah, Dipper was screwed.
Bill cackled as he ran up from Ford’s basement after the boring old elderly man had thrown him out for messing with his experiment. Much to this amusement, at the exact moment he entered, he saw Mabel speeding towards the front door and flinging it open, excitedly struggling to open an envelope.
“What’cha got there shooting star? Anyone died recently making you expect a big inheritance?” Bill casually walked over to Mabel, peering over her shoulder at the envelope.
“Nope! Even better!!!” She clawed at the sticky envelope, “I ordered a raffle ticket into the Bad Boyz 4 eva ultimate fan experience concert! My tickets should be getting here any day now, since Waddles already told me I’d win and that oinker of mine is totally psychic.” She began biting at the letter and finally ripped it open.
Her look of excitement quickly dropped to a frown. “Well? What’s it say?”
She sighed, mumbling how she was “too old to deal with this shit.” After a moment she cleared her throat and read in her best impression of a gnome, “Dear residents of the Mystery Shack, you are passive-aggressively invited to attend the totally not forced union of Jeff Geoff Goffrey and Dipper Pines. I still don’t like you, but I want to rub in your faces that I’ve moved on from Mabel Pines. Gifts are mandatory if you want to attend. The wedding is at sunset tonight, the same place as last time. P.S I attached a lock of my future wife’s hair as proof this is totally not a trap. Stay jealous haters.”
Bill cackled, “Man, what did he do now to get him all caught up by a bunch of gnomes? I swear, your brother sometimes even surprises ME.”
Mabel sighed and shook her head, shrieking as a lock of soft looking brown hair fell out of the envelope. “Oooo, do you think that’s actually Dipper’s hair and not like a Grizzly or something?”
Bill took one glance at it and could immediately recognize it as Dipper’s, “Nah, it's totally Pine Tree’s. I know for sure. It’s his hair color and has the same texture.”
Mabel gave him a blank expression, “That’s a little weird Bill.”
He laughed, “If you want to hear weird than–”
“Lalalalala, going to my happy place, pushing Waddles around in a baby stroller at Disneyland!” She singed, plugging her ears with her fingers. “Anyways, tell Dipper I can’t make it because I have a totally hot date with Pacifica today.” Mabel waltzed out of the room hallway and into her bedroom, still singing.
Bill grinned, he couldn’t wait to crash the wedding.
“Now I know ya might be nervous,” Jason the gnome lectured Dipper as he tugged him along (he had really hoped they would’ve untied him by now, his arms and legs were sore and his feet hurt from having to hop everywhere.) “But when yer on the verge of a panic attack cause yer so overcome with excitement, just do what I do to calm down, breathe, acclimate, relax and focus, or BARF for short!!!”
Dipper sighed as he turned to walk down the aisle, dressed in some makeshift white cloth they had draped over him that they called a wedding gown and a flower crown. He noticed a horde of gnomes, the only person he recognized was his boyfriend Bill who was grinning at him evilly.
“You look absolutely stunning sapling, I must say, for such a rushed wedding-” Bill started as he passed him.
“Oh shut it and get me out of here already!” Dipper barked at him, earning a tug from Jason and a snicker from Bill.
“Nah, I think I’ll just watch the show. It’s about time you suffer the consequences from barking up the wrong tree, Pine Tree.” Bill smirked and sat back down with the rest of the gnomes on the floor when Dipper reached the front of the altar, where the gnome king (????????) was beaming at him.
Jason the gnome held onto Dipper with the vine, but moved in the middle of him and Jeff. “Gentle-gnomes! We are gathered here today to celebrate the wife trapping of Jeff Geoff Goffrey!” The gnomes in the crowd cheered, Bill, who Dipper was staring at out of the corner of his eyes, simply raised an eyebrow at Dipper and then winked, clearly very amused. “To begin, Jeff, you may now kiss your bride!”
“ What .” Dipper felt his face fluster as he came face to face with Jeff the gnome, who had his lips puckered, making obnoxious kissing noises. He hoped that Bill would see this as the time to interject, knowing his boyfriend’s jealous streak, but much to his surprise Bill seemed to be trying his best not to burst out into laughter. “No! Isn’t this part supposed to come at the very end of the wedding?!?”
“Well urm,” Jason the gnome scratched his head with his free hand, “that’s a very good point. But as per the request of Jeff Geoff Goffrey, I decided to shorten up the wedding a bit, I got a surgery to perform tomorrow morning y'know?”
“Enough with the chitter chatter,” Jeff barked, before leaning in and cupping Dipper’s face with his grubby hands, pulling him close to his face…and then closer… and then bam! Dipper felt the taste of maple syrup as Jeff’s much too chapped lip met with his, he felt like he was going to barf, so tried to take a moment to follow Jason’s instructions to barf, but recoiled in disgust as Jeff attempted to bite his bottom lip.
The forest erupted in the cheers of gnomes, continuing even after Dipper had squirmed out of Jeff’s grasp. The second he broke the kiss, he sent a worried glance over at Bill, fearing that the his dream demon boyfriend would somehow be mad at him for practically cheating on him, but was instead very annoyed as he looked over at Bill who was practically dying of genuine laughter, to the point where he was wheezing and grabbing the attention of the very annoyed gnomes surrounding him.
“Gentle-gnomes!” Jason the Gnome announced once the applause (and hysterical hyena laughs) had begun dying out. “Before we concede and make this official, are there any of you who wish to oppose this union and agree to a duel against Jeff.”
Dipper smiled to himself as he watched Bill slowly get up, still chuckling to himself. “I have an opposition to this union!”
The room gasped, gnomes moving out of Bill’s way staring at him in shock as he sauntered over to Dipper, grinning. Jeff huffed and crossed his arms, “And what might that be?”
“You see, it just so happens that your so-called wife is madly in love with me, like, to the point of obsession.” He looked over at Dipper, mischief in his eyes, “Like, it’s very concerning Dipper.”
“Oh shut up,” Dipper rolled his eyes, trying his best to hide the wide smile on his face, “it’s about time you do something. I was starting to reconsider cuddling.”
Bill pouted at him, before breaking out into an even bigger grin, “and after having to watch your lame attempt at a kiss,” Jeff’s face began to grow red with anger or embarrassment, probably both, “I thought I’d finally entertain my poor little sapling and give you a lesson on what a real kiss is like.”
And with that he leaned over to Dipper, the vines binding him together disintegrating as he touched them. Dipper couldn’t hide the smile on his face any longer, and smiled wider when he noticed a similar beaming look on Bill’s face. Bill wrapped his arms around Dipper’s mid-back and pressed their foreheads together for a moment, before unexpectedly dipping him kissing him, the flower crown he was wearing slipping off and falling to the ground with a silent thud.
Dipper enjoyed kissing Bill, more than he’d ever admit to the already overly arrogant dream demon. This kiss wasn’t as emotional as their first one, as fiery as their occasional late night ones or as desperate and relieved as his heartbreaking ones, instead, it was comfortable, almost routine. The way Bill grabbed Dipper firmly, yet kissed him so gently and caringly, as if Bill was scared of breaking him, made his head dizzy. The feeling of Bill’s soft lips pressing against his slightly chapped lips, without any of the extra add ons and bells and whistles of kissing was bliss and Dipper was certain he could’ve happily melted right there in Bill’s arms.
That is, if they weren’t kissing in front of about 45 horrified looking gnomes.
The sound of Jeff clearing his throat broke the kiss between the two of them, Bill holding firmly onto Dipper and bringing him close to his chest, now in an upright position. “And that, my dear short gardening decoration, is how you woo a Pine Tree.” He said smugly, resting his chin on Dipper’s embarrassingly dirty hair.
“This-” Jeff stumbled on his words, yelling something in a language Dipper didn’t recognize (that Bill would later tell him was Finnish, because hey, why the heck not?) and then jumping off his little make-shift podium and attacking Bill’s leg.
Bill cackled at the gnome. “Oh you wanna fight? Well, my next move I guess HUH? Hold onto your cap kid!” He shook his leg, dropping Jeff to the ground, and then promptly kicking him so hard he flew above the trees and into the horizon, screams of revenge echoing throughout the forest.
The gnomes screeched as they saw their gnome king (?????????) fly off into the now starry night sky, with the exception of one gnome that just yelled “Shmebulock!” in a victorious tone.
“Come on kid, let’s go home.” Bill grinned, grabbing one arm around Dipper’s waist and snapping his other hand. In one quick, dizzying moment, they returned to their room in the shack, still entangled in each other’s arms.
“You’re such an asshole. ” Dipper tried to scowl and push Bill away. “Making me go through all of that. How I have the patience to deal with you astounds me.”
Bill laughed, “Ah, but kid, you should have seen the look of horror and disgust on your face! In my defense I’m a demon, these things are hilarious to me.” Bill pulled Dipper closer to him, nudging Dipper to look him eye to eye, their noses brushing against each other. “You knew this and yet look at you, voluntarily exchanging passionate kisses with a dream demon in public.” He pressed a soft, quick kiss against Dipper’s lips.
“Yeah yeah, I didn’t agree with the public meaning in front of an entire village of gnomes though.” Dipper swatted Bill’s chest, secretly relishing in his warm laughter.
“Aw come on kid, be honest with yourself, you’d get yourself in situations like these all the time if I wasn’t here! Don’t give me all the credit,” he kissed Dipper’s cheek, “your the train wreck in this relationship.”
“Excuse you.” Dipper frowned. “Anyways, I’m gonna go take a quick shower, feel dirty after being abandoned for a whole day from my asshole boyfriend-”
Bill snapped his fingers, and suddenly Dipper felt refreshed and clean. “Done,” Bill smiled, flopping down into their shared bed, “come cuddle with meeee.”
Dipper gave him a strange look, “someone’s extra affectionate today?”
“Don’t be difficult Pine Tree, I can still easily snap you out of this plane’s existence.”
“Alright, alright,” Dipper raised his hands, before climbing under the blankets with Bill, “there. Happy?”
Bill hummed in response, hugging Dipper from his back, leaving a small trail of kisses from his neck to his jaw. Dipper relaxed in the affectionate and comfortable gesture, the exhaustion of the day slowly wearing him down.
Just as he was about to drift off to sleep, he heard Bill whisper in his ear, “Sapling? This whole marriage stuff…the whole human societal convention where you brag about love and commitment and all of that other fake jazz done to make partner’s feel more guilty about breaking up..what do you think about it?”
“Hmm? Marriage? I think it’s pretty sweet actually. Getting to exchange vows and tell each other how much you love and are devoted to each other in front of close friends. I guess I always imagined myself having one and kind of got attached to the romantics of it all.” Dipper mumbled, half asleep.
Bill flipped Dipper over so they were facing each other. He could see Bill with a soft smile, a special smile he knew was reserved just for him, through his half-lidded eyes. “Sapling, my little Pine Tree, I have given you my demon form, my mind, my black hole of a heart and if I still had it I wouldn’t think twice before giving you my soul. It scares me how much I’d sacrifice for you and how much you make me feel…undemon to say the least kid.” He squeezed Dipper, “Maybe I haven’t shoved cake in your face in front of your sister, but make no mistake my little sapling, I’ve been devoted since day one.”
“I know, Bill. Don’t worry. I love you too, asshole.” Dipper mumbled, beaming as he began to doze off.
“I love you too sapling,” he pressed a kiss to the stars on Dipper’s forehead, before drifting off to sleep himself, “more than you may ever realize.”
Dipper dreamed of weddings that day, not a disastrous one, but a happy, romantic one, the kind he’d envisioned for himself when he was twelve and watching say yes to the dress reruns with Mabel. He knew though, that wouldn’t happen. Bill mocked human conventions constantly, and the concept of marriage itself was not free from Bill’s wrath. But, it didn’t really matter to Dipper if he was being honest, he was content where he was with Bill at that moment in time, he was happy with it all.
Little did he know, Bill had gone ring shopping with Mabel that very next day.