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“Oh my beloved Pine Tree, my sweetest little sapling, my darling little incredibly stubborn, annoying in a cute way lovebug-”
“No.” Dipper deadpanned, taking a slow sip of his coffee, refusing to look up from his physics textbook because he had 10 homework pages on impulse and momentum left for him to finish in about three hours that he would’ve done had Bill not insisted on barging in with a very pissed fae stuck in a mason jar that needed to be returned and compensated for the trauma of being with Bill so honestly fuck him.
“You didn’t even hear what I asked for.” Bill pouted, dramatically throwing himself over Dipper’s desk causing Dipper’s paper to slide.
“The fae you kidnapped didn’t hear what you asked for either I bet.” Dipper remarked, attempting to push Bill off of his textbook, cursing himself for not investing more in a gym membership, “go away, I have stuff to do.”
“Aw come on! That’s not fair, I was trying to be romantic and surprise you, what doesn’t scream romance more than your very own source of faerie dust! You know that bratty little magical mosquito would’ve opened a lot of doors for you Pine Tree!” Bill chirped, ignoring Dipper’s various protests to his affection.
Dipper sighed, slamming his pencil down on the table, letting himself fall into Bill’s trap. “First off, Bill, we’ve been over this! I don’t like magical creatures who were terrorized by you as a gift. It’s called moral’s, we’ve been over this multiple times.”
“Ah yes, you and your human morals, so finicky. I know your morals, I know a lot of things about you sapling!” Bill casually mentioned, sipping on some water (for the first time in his 4 years as a human, Dipper dully noted.) “I know your deepest darkest secrets, fears, worst memories,” Bill made a point of moving so he was standing over Dipper, his hands gently massaging into his shoulder — Dipper could practically see the obnoxious waggle of his eyebrows, god that idiot — and bent over to whisper in his ears, “ desires. ”
“My deepest desire right now is a world where you can leave me alone for some quiet and peace. And maybe 20 bucks, raunchy, I know.” Dipper grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Aww, someone’s extra grouchy today, woke up with moss on the wrong side of your tree trunk Pine Tree?” Bill pinched Dipper’s cheeks, who let out an annoyed hum in protest, “Well, according to those magazines Shooting Star sent me for research,” Dipper’s physics grade (as well as his mental sanity) was screwed , “as your perfect boyfriend, you are no longer allowed to be stressed! We are going on a — what was it called again uhh,” he summoned a magazine with a half naked blonde dude in sunglasses titled ‘Girls Confidential! The ultimate guide to make a summer fling into a for-eva thing!’, “mental health break!”
“I took a mental health break 5 days ago, not time for another one yet.” Dipper mumbled to himself, remembering how nice it was to watch that movie with Bill, cuddling.
“Too bad! When I’m done with you, you're going to mentally break more times than you actually work!” Bill booped his nose, smiling brightly.
Dipper wasn’t sure if he was screwing with him or being genuine at this point. Just that, once again, Bill was probably going to win his argument, and honestly? He had been staring blankly at his physics homework for the past twenty minutes, a break wouldn’t kill him. “You have an hour.”
Bill did a fist pump in the air with one hand and used the other to drag Dipper so hard he started to experience vertigo towards the door. “Yes! Point trillion, Bill. Three points for Dipper.”
“How’d I get three points? Should have more honestly, for having to deal with your chaos. I’ve saved the world like ten times at this point convincing you not to speed up the universe’s natural heat death.”
Bill grinned, looking up at Dipper as he practically shoved him out the door, “Bagging me of course! A point for each of my delicious angles.”
Dipper groaned, it was going to be a long day.
“The grocery store, really Bill?” Dipper rolled his eyes, trudging along slowly behind his rather energetic boyfriend.
“Would you have preferred a Deer torturing chamber?” Dipper sighed at his boyfriends sarcasm, mentally preparing him for the frustrations of entering a Dipper torture chamber.
He hated grocery shopping with Bill, with a fiery passion, for three simple reasons. One, someone always went up to try to flirt with him, and Dipper would always awkwardly stand to the side, staring at his shoelaces. Lo and behold, two giggling college aged girls approached Bill while Dipper stood by the cart as Bill was trying to juggle the tomatoes in the produce section. He watched them coo, and laugh, one particularly brazen one trying to wrap her arm around Bill’s arm, commenting on the size of his muscles and abs. Dipper tried to ignore the pang of insecurity he felt, reminding himself that he had a lot of issues in his relationship with Bill, but infidelity was luckily not one of them.
Bill had swatted the two girls away and came running back to Dipper with his tail between his legs, clearly startled, which was always funny. “Sometimes I forget how much you humans are ruled by your reproductive organs kid!”
Second reason he hated grocery shopping with Bill was because guess who found it funny to be a complete inconvenience to the poor, underpaid grocery workers? Bill. Not even two seconds after he dropped the girls, Dipper caught him trying to fill empty soy sauce bottles with maple syrup and promptly yelled at him, contemplating traveling through Ford’s portal to escape the embarrassment of being stared at by a middle aged mom and her family.
Third reason he hated grocery shopping with Bill was because Bill wanted everything, and guess who always ended up paying? Dipper’s bleeding wallet. They had reached Dipper’s personal least favorite aisle, the cookie aisle. He tried to avoid it, due to the mere sight of the cookies made Bill want to steal every Oreo in the store and hole up in a corner eating oreos with milk.
"SAPLING THEY HAVE DOUBLE STUFFED OREOS TODAY!" Bill announced, much louder than socially acceptable and to Dipper's horror, was shoving multiple cases of Oreo's into their cart.
"I'm not made of money y'know."
“True, true,” Bill grinned, “you think they accept gold bars?”
“I swear, you better not do that to me again.”
Bill threw back his head and started cackling again, “Of course not, I could never abandon my little sapling.” Bill teased, wrapping his arms around Dipper and pressing him to his chest. “Glad you came by the way, you’ve been so busy I can barely get you out of the house, let alone a proper date.”
Dipper felt guilt churn in his stomach. He had been so consumed with passing his classes and finals, he had put his relationship with Bill on the back burner. “Hey, soon. We can go to some fancy Italian restaurant where they give free bread and butter and be that obnoxious couple that makes out every five seconds,” he joked, his face going pink.
“Really?” Bill smiled wider at Dipper’s quick nod, kissing the top of his head, “Yeesh kid, you aren’t ready for the date I’m going to take you on, spoiler alert, there’s aliens involved!”
It was going to be a long few weeks, Dipper noted. But at least now he had something to look forward to, even if it might end up being more stressful than his actual college work.
At least he would have Bill.