Chapter Text
June 1976
“Hey, Snivellus.”
Severus lifted his head at the shout. It was the banes of his existence. Potter and his merry band of idiots were on their way over to make his life a living hell, and this time he hadn’t done anything to cause their retaliation. He fumbled for his wand in his robes.
“Expelliarmus.” Potter shouted, causing Severus’s wand that had just cleared his robes to shoot out of his hands. “Impedimenta.”
He fell back into a tangled heap on the ground. He could hear the rising voices as the other classmates that had been enjoying the rare sunny day made their way to watch the spectacle that Potter would no doubt provide.
He caught sight of his wand and as soon as his hand wrapped around the handle he was sending curses and hexes at Potter.
“Those are some nasty words you’re using, Snivellus. I think we should wash out your mouth…Scourgify!” He yelled, causing Severus’s mouth to fill with pink bubbles.
Severus grabbed at his throat, hacking and coughing out the soap bubbles to try and breathe. He reached in his mouth with two fingers, and tried to swipe out some the soap, which helped some.
He heard Lily screaming in the background. His mortification ramped up. He didn’t want his best friend, and the girl he was sure he loved to see him like this.
Weak. Useless.
He saw as Lily elbowed and pushed her way past everyone and entered the circle that had formed around him and Potter’s crew. He noticed the circles under her eyes had grown. He hoped it was only stress from the exams and that she wasn’t still ill.
This year had been stressful for both he and Lily. His Mother had contracted some sort of illness that he thought witches were immune to. Severus thought she never would have gotten it if she had been so down trodden from her husband’s beatings.
He had been relieved that Tobias had pulled his head out of the bottle long enough to take her to a Doctor, but he probably did that only so he didn’t lose his maid and caregiver, because Merlin knows that muggle doesn’t know how to take care of himself unless it’s booze or loose women.
Lily had lost her father late last year: a month before Yule. He had been hit by a drunk driver as he was walking home from the grocer down the street. He was killed instantly.
He and Lily had been growing apart, but their shared misery brought them together; in more ways than one. He had already felt low, and just wanted to forget the pain and fear of losing his Mother that he had kissed Lily. His kiss had startled her, but she must have seen his longing for her; she returned his kiss tenfold.
They had been in an abandoned classroom, and it was the weekend, so Lily sealed the doors and put a silencing spell up before she began stripping. After a moment’s hesitation on his part and confirming that she was sure, they lost their virginities to one another. They only left that room to make appearances at meal times, otherwise they were in that room, burying their pain in one another.
They kept their relationship secret at his insistence. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of her, per se, but he needed to persuade his dorm mates of the differences between a Mudblood and first generation magical. Until such time, Lily was a target and would become more of target of retaliation if his associates were to find out that he was in a relationship with her.
Since that night, they would get together whenever they could. Severus didn’t care where or when, he was just thankful that she returned his affections. They had been in broom closets and empty classrooms throughout the castle. He had become proficient in locking, silencing, contraception and notice-me-not spells. While he had no problem responding to Lily whenever she wanted him, he would still protect her and make sure no one caught them.
Lately though, she hadn’t been feeling well. She was irritable and moody; crying at the drop of a hat. The OWLs had definitely been stressing her. She was hardly keeping any food down. He face had been looking gaunt, and around her eyes had looked bruised like she wasn’t sleeping.
He had tried to talk to her about it, but she had nearly bitten his head off a few weeks ago, so he was giving her space. There were times where it looked like she was going to finally confide in him, but so far nothing.
“Leave him alone.” Lily screamed.
Severus continued to swipe and spit out the soap, but watched as Potter turned to face Lily, giving her a smirk. “Alright, Evans?”
“What’s he even done to you to deserve this?” She glared back at him.
Severus noted that she glared especially vicious at Lupin, causing the other Prefect to look away in guilt. He was supposed to stop incidents like this, but Severus always knew Lupin was a coward that couldn’t, or wouldn’t, stand up to his friends.
Potter was distracted by Lily that he lost concentration on the Scourgify, and Severus was finally able to clear the last of the soap. He shot off a silent Diffindo, hitting Potter in his perfect face. He smirked at the anger her saw in Potter’s eyes, knowing the vain ponce wouldn’t want his precious face marred.
Severus’s smirk dropped as he fell backwards and his body was lifted in the air by his ankles. He flushed red as his robes fell down to his chest and all the sundry could see that he was not wearing any trousers. It was washing day, and everyone could see his old gray underpants.
Severus heard the cruel laughter of his classmates at his predicament and he saw the red hue of anger descend over his vision.
How dare they laugh at him? How dare the sheep revel in his humiliation, when it could just as easily be them? But no, Potter seemed to have a particular fascination with him. He even used Severus’s own spell against him.
He fought to remove himself from the jinx but someone, probably Black since he was pointing his wand at him as well with a vicious smirk on his face, had stuck his tongue to the roof of his mouth. He tried flailed and tried to valiantly to cast the counter-jinx silently, but had no results.
`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`
“STOP IT! Let him down. Leave him alone.” Lily screamed again at Potter.
She could feel her eyes begin to tear up again, but she pushed them back. She was so sick of crying at every little thing, and so tired of fighting her reactions and having to watch herself so no one caught on.
“It’s only Snivellus. Why’re you worried about this greasy git?” Potter wiggled his wand, causing Severus to shake too.
“What’s your fucking problem? What did he do to deserve this?” She asked again.
“You mean besides existing?” Black responded this time, as Potter was trying that smug smolder of his, which she thought made him look constipated. Black sauntered up to Potter and leaned to rest his elbow on him. Black gave her a smirk, but she thought she also saw pity in his eyes. “Because we felt like it.”
That was too much for Lily, and she whipped her wand up and pointed it in Potter’s face. She kept Sev in her peripheral. She didn’t like how high off the ground he was, especially with his head facing the ground. She didn’t want him to break his neck in the fall before she could tell him the news.
She was so angry that she was calm. Her face devoid of emotion as was her voice, but she poured that anger into her eyes. “You think you’re so funny. You think you’re so cool, letting out that practice snitch, messing up your hair like you just got off your broom. But you’re not. You’re just an arrogant, bullying toerag Potter. Leave him alone.”
She must have gotten through as Potter’s eyes widened a little in shock at her monotone voice. He eyed her warily, like she was a dangerous animal that would attack at the slightest provocation.
After a moment, Potter rolled his eyes and sniffed like he was unbothered. He looked at Snape and flatly said, “Liberacorpus.”
Severus dropped flat on his back, gasping for breath. Lily made her way to him, wand held loosely in her hand but still pointed towards Potter.
Potter rolled his shoulders and looked at Black, “Come on Pads; let’s find something else to do.” She saw his eyes narrow at Sev. “You’re lucky Evans was here to save you, Snivellus.”
Potter looked over at her, and she was internally elated to watch him pale when he caught her expression.
Lily moved over to help Sev as he pushed his robes back down.
“Are you alright, Sev?” She reached out to give him a hand.
Severus smacked her hand away and gave a slight push to move her out of the way, but with her balance being off she started to fall backwards. Thank goodness the people behind her were nice enough to stop her from falling.
Sev started shooting hexes at Potter and Black, which they blocked before returning fire.
She cast a shield spell over herself and Sev, yelling at him but he seemed to not hear her and continued to attack them. “Sev, stop this. They’re not worth it. Let’s go.”
Potter laughed at this. “Yeah, Snivellus. Listen to Evans; before you get hurt.” He imitated a girly voice at that last comment.
Sev snarled out. “I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”
Black shouted,” Flipendo,” and Severus was knocked backwards.
Severus angrily got to his feet, but froze as he took in the disgusted faces of everyone around them.
Lily couldn’t hide the heartbreak she was feeling, watching as clarity returned to Sev and a look of horror grew on his face when he realized what he had just called her.
She knew that Sev was hanging with the wrong crowd. With roommates like Mulciber and Avery, she had been worried about him. She had tried multiple times to get him to understand that they were no good for him. She had also been getting fed up with being his dirty little secret, but she could also see his point of view, that he had to share a dorm with them.
She knew it must have been difficult being in a House with those blood supremacists day in and out, and that a certain behavior and attitude needed to be imitated so he wasn’t tormented by his peers in what was supposed to be a safe place. But she thought he gave them too much leeway.
Severus had always complained how Lupin shouldn’t have his badge because he never reigned in Potter and Black. She had merely looked at him and said, “Pot meet kettle.” That hadn’t gone over well.
Even after that comparison she hadn’t seen him reprimand the other Slytherins for their use of that word, but she hadn’t heard Sev use it. She thought he was just ignoring it until they left Hogwarts. Now, here was her best friend and someone she thought she was falling in love with, calling her the worst magical slur and it came so easily, like this hadn’t been his first time using it.
She was so naïve. He really believed the dogma Death Eaters spouted. How many times had they had debates about integrating muggleborns into the magical world earlier than Hogwarts? How many times had she argued that they couldn’t steal children? She'd thought he was different.
That was why Black looked at her with pity. She looked over at him, and saw it more clearly. He wasn’t even trying to hide it now. He and Potter had been trying to tell her, but she had never believed them. She had stood by her friend.
She could hear Potter continue to yell at Sev for calling her that, and demanding he apologize.
Severus reached out for her. “Lily, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean...”
“But that’s the thing Snape.” He flinched at her using his surname instead of her nickname for him. “You did mean it. That’s what you really feel about muggleborns. Well, guess what? I am a muggleborn, and nothing will change that. You don’t want my help. Fine.” She spat coldly.
She turned and marched back toward the castle, ignoring the shout of Severus as Potter tuned him upside-down again, and she especially ignored Potter’s threat to de-pants him.
She could feel her eyes welling with tears again, but she didn’t let them fall. She fought them back. She needed to make it back to the dorms. She needed to be strong, just until then.
She had decisions to make. She had already been worried about Sev…no…Snape’s reaction, and who he was surrounding himself with. Now that she had seen his true feelings, there is no way she could tell him now; it wasn’t safe.
She wasn’t ready for this. She was too young, and hadn’t finished school. She had no job to support them, and even if she was in the muggle world, she would have had to rely on her parents.
With her Father gone, it would already be hard on her Mother, even if her daughters were grown. There was no way she could ask her Mother to help while she was away at school for almost 10 months of the year, for the next two years. It wasn’t fair to ask that of her.
She wondered if there was department in the Ministry that helped with things like this, and if she could have a say in the proceedings.
Lily didn’t even remember the journey through the castle, so lost in her thoughts, but she became aware of her surroundings as she arrived in front of her bed. She climbed in and closed the curtains. Sticking them closed and casting a silencing charm.
Then she let the tears fall. She let them fall for the loss of her friendship, for the loss of innocence and first love.
Her heart felt like it was breaking in two. Snape had been in her life for so long. She had known him for over half her life, and he had thrown it away for those prejudiced people. She had thought she could save him that as long as he stayed with her he wouldn’t fall prey to the bigotry of the purebloods.
She had thought they could be a family, but now she knew that she’d have to go on alone.
She curled up in a ball, with her arms cradling her stomach. She already loved the life within her with all her heart, but knew she wouldn’t be able to give her baby any kind of life and security, what with her being a child herself.
Not to mention the whispers of war ramping up. It had started as a political movement, but she doubted it stayed that way for long. Lily had always heard of accidents, or a run of bad luck when an entire family was decimated.
She wouldn’t let that happen to hers. She would make sure that her child was taken care of; even if it couldn’t be with her.
As if they could hear her thoughts, the baby kicked the hand resting on the front of her Mother’s stomach. Lily rubbed the spot, as if to soothe the baby.
“I know, love. I don’t want you to go either.” She took a shuddering breath as the tears started to slow and resolve took over. “I want to keep you, but you’ll be better off without me. I’ll make sure to find a good, loving family for you that will give you a better life than I can right now. I’ll always love you, and if you want to get to know me when you’re older,” She gasped and started sobbing again, feeling a chill go down her spine, “Well, I would really like that.”
Lily curled even tighter around her middle, sobbing anew for the child she’d not get to see grow up.