Chapter Text
“Pancakes?”
“Sure are.”
Joel slid two uneven pancakes onto Ellie’s plate. They weren’t perfect, but nothing made with love usually was.
The teen rubbed her eye with a yawn. She’d been rudely awakened by Joel, yelling up the stairs for her to come down from her room and grab breakfast. She had yet to trade for any real pyjamas, instead fashioning one of Joel’s large shirts.
“These are the real deal. Eggs, flour, milk,” Joel had a smile on his face, clearly impressed with himself, “Maria dropped off the eggs herself earlier. Prob’ly laid this mornin’.”
“Cool.”
Was all Ellie could mumble, sliding into a chair with another yawn.
“‘Cool?’” Joel mocked in his thick accent, placing his own breakfast down on the table. “I ain’t had a pancake in nearly 30 years. It’s a damn sight more than cool.”
Ellie glanced up at him with a sly smirk, the haze of sleep finally beginning to lift. “Shouldn’t pancakes be round?”
Joel paused for a moment, eyeing the two plates. “Well, I tried, alright?” He chuckled, pulling back his own chair and sitting down with a thud. “Been a long time since I cooked anythin’ at a real kitchen, so it’s still new to me.”
Ellie grabbed her fork, wasting no time to stab into the food and shovel it into her mouth. “I was gonna say,” she replied, her mouth full, “Why aren’t we eating at the canteen with everyone else?”
“Well,” He began, “I thought it’d just be nice for us to have breakfast for a change… It’s been a little overwhelmin’ meeting all these new folks. For me, at least.”
Ellie nodded in agreement and a quick ‘Mmm’ as she swallowed. They had been at Jackson for almost a week. Settling into a new house, with new people, a new way of living with new rules to follow- or even a lack of rules compared to a QZ- it was a lot for them both. Especially as the two of them had been so independent, only relying on each other for survival and protection over the past year. The events of the journey, let alone Salt Lake, had barely begun to settle as they’ve been whiplashed into a new lifestyle that neither of them are familiar with.
“Tell me about it. I see the kids staring at me all the time. And the adults too, actually. I still can’t have my gun. I’m not even allowed to carry my fuckin’ knife around-“
Joel shot her a look, silencing her.
“It’s for safety.”
She furrowed her brows at him. Joel took a moment to think before his response. He knew she had a right to be on edge, after everything they’d been through. “Look, I know it’s odd. But we’re staying here so we have to follow their rules. I don’t want you gettin’ into more trouble. Or makin’ me look bad.” He paused again. “You’re safe here. These are kind people.”
She huffed, turning her vision back toward her plate. “You already look bad, don’t need my help for that.”
“We’ll adapt.” He continued, choosing to ignore her comment as he chewed his food. “Pancakes are a good way to start.”
Ellie smiled in response. “They are good. Thanks, Joel.”
He nodded, finishing off his last bite. “Glad to know I can still do somethin’ right.” He stood, walking his plate toward the kitchen island. “Uh, listen.”
Ellie darted her eyes toward him. “You’re not gonna say what I think you are. Right?”
Joel had his back to her, not wanting to meet her eyes. “I got my first patrol today.” He said firmly.
She felt a burn of heat in her heart, slamming her fork on the table. “You said you’d settle in first. We’d settle in. It’s not even been a week!”
He finally turned to face her, stating things in a matter-of-fact way. “It’s a short one. I’ll be with Tommy. They need all the help they can get. I ain’t much good just sitting around, I feel better when I’m doin’ something.”
“That’s why you made pancakes.” She growled, staring at him.
He almost shrugged, he couldn’t deny that cooking something special for her was also a way to soften the blow of news she didn’t want.
“You know I just don’t really want to be on my own here. Not until I know the place a bit better.” She said quietly. They’d spoken about this when they first arrived back in Jackson after finding the fireflies. Despite finding the place impressive when they first visited a few months ago, she still wasn’t sure about it all. She felt particular unease at the idea of Joel having any amount of distance from her again so soon after they’d finished their cross-country journey and shared the experience of near death several times over.
“You’ll be alright.” He smiled toward her softly. “You’ll make friends.”
“Let me come with you.” She said firmly. “You can’t. They don’t let kids join ‘em. Not 'till you're 16”
She scrunched her nose in disagreement. “I bet I’m better with a gun than most of the adults living here.”
“I don’t doubt it.” He stepped forward, sitting on the chair nearer to her. “But I kinda promised to help out. In return for those eggs Maria dropped off. I gotta earn our keep.”
Ellie turned away and slumped back, dissatisfied with the conversation. “What am I supposed to do here on my own?”
Joel found himself endeared by how similar she sounded to Sarah in that moment. How much she sounded like a grumpy teenager all of a sudden. One who could now live a somewhat normal life in this place. “You’ve still got decoratin’ to do in your room. You could clear out all that old girly stuff. Besides, I won’t be gone for too long. They just wanna show me the ropes, y’know? You’ll get to do somethin’ yourself soon, I bet.” He dipped his head down so her gaze would meet his once again. “You and I both know you’re capable without me.”
She nodded in silence. He was right- she was capable on her own. But that was before everything. She felt different after what they’d been through, after returning here and finding themselves free of a mission or journey. She especially felt different from the events of the Winter. The dread of waking up next to Joel in that cold basement, her hand still on his chest, but suddenly not feeling it rising and falling. Knowing that without him, David would have…She needed him. She didn’t want to let him go.
"Ellie?” Joel asked again. She snapped back to the present moment, turning to him. He was now standing over the sink.
“Plate, please.” “Oh.” she blinked, taking the empty dish in her hand and standing. She walked over and handed it to him.
He peered at her. “You get enough sleep? It is almost noon, y’know.”
The girl scratched the back of her neck in thought. “Uh, yeah. When will you be back?” She changed the subject abruptly.
“Probably after dark.”
She winced internally knowing that she would have to be on her own in this unfamiliar place for the entire day. But she showed no outward emotion. “Okay.”
---
Ellie didn’t leave their new house for the hours Joel was away. When Tommy had come to fetch Joel, she held onto her hand anxiously at the doorway. Tommy told her Maria was around and would be happy to show her the new areas being built, introduce her to people, or just hang out. Ellie had thanked him but of course she had not taken up the offer. They waved each other goodbye, and he was gone. An overwhelming sense of unease followed her around that day. This feeling was so unfamiliar to her. Her and Joel had not been apart for any moment, not since the Winter. It hurt. She wasn’t sure what was worse- worrying that Joel would be safe on patrol, or worrying that she would be safe alone. She didn’t feel safe. Logically she knew she was, but somehow that didn’t matter. She didn’t like this feeling.
She was sitting on their couch, flipping her knife in her hand. She’d tried to fill boxes with stuff in her room she didn’t want- posters of boy bands, journals, lace pillows. That only distracted her for a moment. Instead she found herself peering out of the window, watching the other people of Jackson walk by doing various things. Leading a horse toward the stable, delivering boxes of fresh picked food, or seemingly out for a stroll with their families. She was watching silently for so long, she’d hardly noticed night had fallen. There sure were a lot of people here.
How can they keep track of 300 people? She thought. People are bad by nature. There’s bound to be a few people who aren’t happy here. This place is big enough for someone to want to take charge over Maria’s council. For some rat to let bad people in the walls to pillage the place-
Ellie jumped out of her skin at the sound of the door clicking open, dropping her knife with a clatter on the wooden floor.
“Hey kiddo.” Joels familiar raspy voice.
She attempted to catch her breath without drawing too much attention to it. “Hey.”
He slid his backpack off of his shoulder, letting it thud on the floor as he closed the door. “Sorry I’m late. I got a little too eager, trying to learn the perimeter route. People’s names are also gonna start to annoy me, like I won’t already have enough to remember.”
She turned her face away from him, making a small noise of acknowledgement. He placed his arms behind him, stretching his back, noticing immediately it was clear she was disappointed. “What did ya get up to?” He inquired.
“Nothing much.” She responded dryly, grabbing her knife from the floor and stuffing it back into her pocket.
“You didn’t go see Maria?” Joel walked forward, sitting down on the couch next to her. The weight of Joel's body hitting the couch almost propelled Ellie out of her own seat.
She shook her head. “I don’t think she likes me very much. After the gun thing.”
The older man let out a soft laugh. Ellie had refused to give up her gun when they first arrived, angering some of the council quite a bit. After Joel had convinced her to give it up, it was reported that the following night the weapons storage had been lock-picked and of course, Ellie’s gun was absent. “I’m not sure if she likes anyone. But I think you’re wrong anyhow. Since when do you care if people like you?”
Ellie shrugged, still refusing to look at Joel's face. She was relieved he was back, but she didn’t want to let on. She didn’t want to feel this way about his absence, ignoring it seemed like the best option. She knew she had to get used to them being separate.
He could tell something was amiss, though he was unsure whether to bring it up or not. So he continued, “I think you’ll enjoy patrol, when they let you join ‘em. We killed a few infected today. Mostly just took in the scenery.” He sighed, sitting back to fully rest in the couch. “In the meantime, Tommy said you could help out at the stables. Keepin’ yourself busy might help ya settle in. How bout that?”
Hearing that, she looked up slightly. “Alright. I guess that could be fun.”
Joel smiled toward her. “Good.” He nodded toward the TV. “We still got half of one of those dinosaur movies left.”
Ellie let out a yawn, grabbing the remote from the coffee table. “Yeah, okay.” At the click of a button, the TV turned on to the exact moment they’d paused the movie the night previous. Ellie still found it to be like magic.
“You eaten?” Joel asked as Ellie settled back into the couch next to him.
“Yeah.” She lied.
After a while, she found her eyes began to droop. It was the first time she’d felt relaxed all day. Joel's presence was definitely an aid in that. She was enjoying the movie but the exhaustion of spending the day on edge was catching up to her, and she found herself slumped next to Joel. He wrapped an arm around her, comforting Ellie enough to fall asleep.
---
“Stop! No! Get off me!”
Ellie bolted upright. It was pitch black. Where the fuck was she?
Her head was swimming. She could feel the blood rushing through her veins, her skin running hot with beads of sweat laced on her brow. Her own heartbeat pelted in her ears, deafening her thoughts even more.
She finally let out a desperate gasp for air as if she had been holding her breath underwater. But the air couldn’t reach her fast enough, she clutched at her chest and darted her eyes around. The shapes and shadows of furniture began to form in the darkness, but she couldn’t make out where she was. Her vision blurred and her face curled up into a desperate and tight expression as she tried to catch her breath.
The door opened, causing her to flinch hard and scramble backwards. “Ellie?”
She could only pant in response, her eyes wide in fear. It still felt as if the room was devoid of air for her.
“Ellie.”
Joel made no hesitation in moving over and kneeling at her bedside. “It’s alright.”
She shook her head at him. She realised it was Joel, and she was in her room- but it didn’t feel right. She couldn’t make sense of herself.
Quietly, he turned on the lamp at her bedside and a warm glow cascaded on them both. His face was etched with worry as he watched her squeeze her eyes tightly at the light, like it was piercing and painful.
“Shh.” He spoke softly, placing a hand gently on hers. “It’s alright.” He repeated.
That small touch caused something to unlock in her body, or mind. Oxygen finally filled her lungs, and she released the grip on her chest just a little. Slowly, over the course of a few minutes, her manic wheezing grew calmer. It was still hitched, but the feeling of Joel rubbing his thumb along the top of her small hand helped her tense body relax. The room fell quiet. She kept her eyes shut, relaxing her head downwards a little with a furrowed brow. She didn’t want to see the look on his face. “I, um-“ her voice was shaky as it finally broke the silence, “I’m not s… I’m not sure what just happened.”
Joel sighed quietly. Somehow the concern could be heard in just that noise alone. “I heard you yellin’ in your sleep. I’d only just put you to bed.” She’d never heard his voice so soft.
Ellie finally allowed her eyes to open a little, looking directly downwards to their hands intertwined. “You did?” She asked weakly.
“Mhm.” He responded.
After a few moments, she lifted her head slightly, meeting his gaze. He must have been watching her with that dark yet concerned expression that entire time. How long even was that? What time is it? Sparkles from the light flickered in his eye-line, like he was about to cry.
Ellie couldn’t hold her composure any further. Seeing tears in Joel's eyes made her own burst out and begin streaming down her face. She let out a desperate and exhausted sob, leaning forward toward Joel instinctively. Large arms wrapped around her and she felt a hand cradling the back of her head.
“Shh.” He cooed into her hair. “You’re alright, baby. I’m here.”
Hearing those words just made her weep harder, but she decided not to hold back. She allowed herself to cry into his shoulder, clutching his sides as much as she could manage to. It was that type of gross crying where she could feel her face turning red, and the tears were salty and sticky; where you can’t stop hiccuping as your sobs overtake your lungs. But she didn’t care. The distance Joel and her used to have was no longer there, and she needed to let this feeling out. She didn’t understand what was going on. But at least Joel was there. She focused on his breathing. That always calmed her down. Ever since he was injured- and nearly died- she focused on it constantly. Even when he was asleep in a sleeping bag next to her, or now on the couch next to her dozing- she could only relax if she saw the rising and falling of his chest.
After a while of sitting there in an embrace, her crying subsided. Joel pulled back slightly to take a look at her. Her face was indeed red and puffy as she looked up at him with glassy eyes. He wiped her cheek with a thumb. “What was it about?” He asked delicately.
She sniffed, wiping the other side of her face with a sleeve. “I don’t- I don’t even remember.” She hiccuped.
He stood himself up, sitting himself back down on the edge of her bed. “That’s alright.”
“That… that felt scarier than anything I’ve felt before.” The small girl murmured.
“Yeah, they do.” Joel acknowledged. They both knew Joel had the same experiences with nightmares. “It's like everything bad that’s ever happened… gets rolled into one feeling.”
She nods. He replaces his hand on top of hers once again. “Did I miss the end of the movie?” She attempts a change of subject.
He smiles, but it doesn’t do much to hide the worry on his face. “Yeah, but I think that was for the best. Big cliffhanger. Really annoyin’, if I’m honest.”
She sniffed out a laugh, wiping her wet face with her free hand again. There was a short moment of quiet. But it was comforting.
“You’ll be at the stables in the mornin’. You best try getting back to sleep.”
“Can you stay?” She asked quickly in a small voice.
“Sure, kiddo.” She moved over to the other side of the bed to allow him space to lay down after he switched the lamp back off. She scooted back to him as he lay on his back, nestling her head on his shoulder. Out of habit, she placed her arm on top of his chest.
“Thanks, Joel.” She muttered.
“Goodnight, kiddo.”