Chapter Text
It’s three in the fucking morning and all Dean wanted to do right now is sleep.
His mind was occupied with thoughts about going to a new school, college. He had transferred from Benedictine College to Central Connecticut State University. He was tired of slumming it at his parents house, especially since his dad was an asswad. He was in his second year of college, which he had been told was the dumbest decision he had made. He and Bobby leave early tomorrow morning. 7:30 in the morning. Dean was NOT a morning person. Sure, Dean was excited to be away from home, Sam went to school in California. He wanted to be this big shot trauma doctor, so it's not like anything was here for him. Dean wasn’t sure what his future had in store for him, the fact that he’s actually attending classes and enrolled in college speaks volume. He wouldn’t even be going if Sam and Bobby didn’t pitch in. Bobby giving his usual ‘ Don't let this be a waste of money’ speech.
Dean was a bit excited for this new school though. One of the reasons being Charlie and Jo, his best friends, childhood friends, attended the school. They had originally told him to go to CCSU, but he didn’t listen, he wanted to ‘Make his own decisions.' Boy was he wrong.
Dean’s dad was always on his ass about working full time at the auto shop with him and Bobby. Dean had always told him that he was going to school to learn more in depth about being a mechanic. That was a lie. Dean honestly despised the idea of working alongside his dad everyday. Seeing him at home was already torture.
Dean’s mom, Mary, died 4 months ago due to a fire that burst out in their home. Dean was just shy of 19. 19 year old Dean went back for his mom, went back to try and save her. You know, with his hero complex and all. But, unfortunately by the time he had reached her, the fire rose higher, touching the ceilings. Dean managed to get a third degree burn on his side that managed to cover a small portion of his side, a good portion of his right shoulder blade and a couple small bits on his right bicep and right forearm. Since the fire, he hadn’t been comfortable in his own body, he hardly took his shirt off, even to swim.
It was only when Dean’s bedroom door was being banged on, that he was dragged from his thoughts. It was also at that moment, he realized he hadn’t slept that night, which wasn’t out of the norm for Dean.
“Up and at ‘em, Dean-o. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us. Load your shit up in the truck” Bobby’s voice was rough, groggy.
Dean stayed in bed, looking up at the ceiling. Was this really a good idea? Everything is here, his mom’s grave, Bobby, hell, even his dad was here. The thought of being far away scared the honest to god crap out of him. What if he needed to see his dad? What if he needed to see Bobby. Better yet, what if he needed to go visit his mom. He began to panic, freaking himself out over all of the possibilities that could happen. He sat up in bed, placing his hand over his racing heart, eyes closed, attempting to calm himself down.
Bobby knocked on the door, before turning the knob and opening it.
“You best answer when I’m ta-”
Bobby stood there, staring at Dean, unsure of what to do. Dean had always suffered from anxiety/panic attacks, but he’s never told anyone about them. He’s usually able to calm himself down from one pretty quickly, but this one was different, it was fear.
“Bobby, I can’t go, I can’t do this. I can’t leave m… here. I can’t. I’ll continue to go to school here in Kansas.” Dean continues to ramble on about how he can’t.
Bobby shakes his head as if he wasn’t surprised, like he knew it was going to happen.
“Dean, you can, you’re going off to do wonderful things. I know that you don’t want to leave your mom. I’m going to get cheesy with you, so bare with me” Bobby spoke. Dean nodded. “Your mom is always with you, that tattoo you have, look at it and think of her.”
Dean sighed softly, completely forgetting he had gotten a tattoo on his wrist, with her ashes in it. It was of her favorite flower, a pink carnation. It wasn’t a large one, it was a rather simple one. Dean said he wanted it to look manly. But, according to the tattoo artist, there’s nothing manly getting a flower tattooed on you. Dean rubbed the tattoo, closing his eyes, finally calming down a bit. He looked up at Bobby, nodding softly. He finally agreed to go to Connecticut.
Dean packed up the rest of his into the back of Bobby’s pick up truck. He glanced behind him, seeing his dad standing in the doorway. Dean felt his heart starting to race again and he walked over to him. Dean looked up at him, unsure of what to do next. John leaned into Dean’s ear, whispering.
“Don’t fuck this up, your brother and Bobby spent a lot of money on this.” John’s voice stern.
Why wasn’t Dean surprised? Nothing out of that man's mouth was a praise. He always had to nitpick everything Dean did and said. Nothing he did pleased his father. Dean could win the lottery and the only thing John will notice is that he spent money on scratch tickets.
John patted Dean on the back, faking a smile “Good luck, Dean.”
Dean rolled his eyes, scoffing. He hopped into the truck, slamming the door behind him. He rubbed his thumb on his tattoo, closing his eyes, taking some long deep breaths.
Dean and Bobby had been on the road for a little more than 10 hours, when Dean’s phone started blowing up from his group chat with Jo and Charlie.
Charlie: Dean! When are you here?! There’s a party tonight and I think it would be good for you to meet some of our people! We have a new friend who's DYING to meet you!
Jo: Don’t listen to her Dean, it’s some gay/lesbian party. She forced me to go to one last week!
Dean chuckled softly, shutting his phone off. He fidgeted with his ring, finally realizing that he could do this. He’ll be surrounded by the two people in the world that genuinely care about his well being and who care about him as a person… Well, besides Bobby.
Bobby was more of a father to Dean than his own father. Bobby was there for Dean with his first girlfriend, and then with his first break up. Bobby taught Dean how to drive, how to fix cars, how to do basically everything. Bobby was there for him in the hospital after his mom died.
8 more hours had passed and Dean was now sound asleep, smashed up against the window. He hadn’t planned on falling asleep, but the fact he didn’t sleep last night caught up with him.
Dean was awoken by banging on his window. Which startled him, but he was thankful because he was slipping into a nightmare about the fire. Dean lifted his head, squinting, trying to figure out where in the hell he was. When he looked out the window, he saw Charlie and Jo standing there, looking like dumbasses. Dean sat up, a smile spread across his face. He hopped out of the truck, pulling them both into a tight hug. He hadn’t seen Jo or Charlie since they graduated high school, two years ago. Dean let go of them, looking at the blue eyed man standing behind them. His hair was a bit roughed up, he was wearing jeans, a CCSU sweatshirt, face full of day-old stubble, and wore glasses. Dean looked away, but the man continued to stare at Dean.
“Oh, pardon me, Dean!” Jo said, dragging the blue eyed man by his wrists. “This is Castiel, he goes by Cas.”
Dean looked back at the mysterious- Cas, and held his hand out for him to shake it.
Cas shook his hand, it lingering longer than it should’ve.
Dean pulled his hand back, wiping it on his jeans. Not because he thought Cas was gross, quite the opposite, his hands had just been sweating horribly. When he looked up at Cas, he had his brows furrowed, a sad expression. Dean pushed his lips together, attempting to talk to Castiel telepathically, telling him he didn’t mean it that way… It didn’t work.
“Dean!” Bobby shouted from the truck. “Where am I bringing your shit to? Your dad’s requesting me back”
“Follow us, Bobby, we’re headed back that way anyways.” Charlie said. “The dorms are mixed, well, the same gender shares a room, but both boys and girls are in the same buildings.”
Dean must’ve been more shocked than he thought he was, because he heard a small laugh come out of Cas’ mouth. His head whipped around, eyeing Cas, watching his smile fade.
At Benedictine College dorms were split between genders and there were specific “curfews.” To be fair it was a Catholic school. Which you would think was out of Dean’s comfort zone, it wasn’t. Mary had raised the boys in the Catholic church, she was very adamant that they grow up knowing God.
Once back at the dorm, Bobby, Dean, and Cas carried all of Dean's belongings upstairs. Bobby, standing in the doorway, asking if he can speak to Dean in the hallway. Dean agreed, following Bobby out.
“I know we had this big speech when you went to Benedictine, but now you’re a little over 20 hours away. Discomfort is going to be your companion while you’re here. Make friends with it now. If the first few days on-campus are uncomfortable, remind yourself that in two or three weeks you'll probably feel right at home.” Bobby spoke. Dean was trying his hardest to keep his tears in, but his eyes had other plans. Bobby placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “You are going to do wonderful things here. Remember that every experience — good and bad — is data. Sometimes finding out what you don't like is just as important as finding out what you do like. Pay attention to what subjects really engage you, what kind of environments you thrive in, and what type of conditions challenge you in a positive way. Use that information to help you craft a picture of what you want your day-to-day life to look like.” Dean was now uncontrollably crying at this point, wiping his tears away with his flannel sleeves. “Becoming a parent before you're ready is going to limit your life choices. For the love of everything holy, use protection!!" Bobby says, handing him a box of condoms. The tips of Dean's ears and his cheeks burning pink. “Your mom would be very proud of you, boy”
Bobby pulled Dean in for a hug, a tight hug. Dean let loose, cried hard into Bobby’s shoulder.
“I’ve got to get going, I’m headed in to say goodbye to Jo and Charlie,Your dad and I are only a phone call away, kiddo.” He said, starting to walk into the dorm room. “You coming, Dean?”
Dean looked up at Bobby, shaking his head multiple times. Wiping at his eyes, trying to stop himself crying.
“Uhm, yea, give me a minute.” Dean said, continuously wiping his eyes. “Could you send Jo out?”
Bobby nodded, walking back into the room. Moments later Jo came out.
“You should come in, Charlie is unpacking your stuff.” Jo said pointing behind her. She then looked over at Dean, seeing the tears that streamed down his face. “Hey woah woah, it’s hardly been an hour, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Jo said, putting her hand on Dean’s.
Jo was like a little sister to him, he had known Jo for roughly 17 years. They were next door neighbors before the fire started, then Dean moved. They still tried to see each other regularly, but the Winchester family left Lawrence.
Dean let out a small chuckle.
“Uh, yea. It’s just Bobby saying some words that were heartfelt and it’s weird being away from mom.” Dean rubbed his thumb over his tattoo. Jo grabbed his hand away from the tattoo and putting her index finger on it.
“She’s not going anywhere, she’s right here. Plus, you got Charlie, me, and Cas.”
“What’s his deal, Castiel, he’s weird”
“He’s not weird, he’s just shy. "Once you get to know him, he's a blast to be around." A little bit of a cheeky smile crossed her face, "He's fun in other ways too." She raised her eyebrows in such a way that Dean understood what she meant. He turned away slightly as he blushed but she didn't catch on. "Anyways, only a little bit more unpacking left to do and then you'll be all settled in."
Dean walked back into the dorm, cheeks rosy, eyes red, eyes puffy, and his nose runny. Bobby clasped his hand on Deans’ shoulder. Telling him he needed to get going. That John was expecting him. Dean nodded, blowing out a shaky breath. Sure, he had been on his own multiple times, home alone, at a friend's house, at Benedictine, but again, this was different. Bobby was a little under a day's drive away. He couldn’t run home the second he felt homesick. His eyes began to water again, he didn’t blink, he just let his eyes well up. Bobby closed the dorm room door and at that very moment, Dean collapsed onto the floor. He didn’t cry, besides the small tears that raced down his cheeks. At that moment in time, he felt alone. Even when literally surrounded by his friends, he felt alone.
Moments later, Dean stood up, wiping his eyes. He walked over to his desk, setting up his laptop, his books, papers, notebooks, pencils. Anything he needs to study. Cas looked over at Dean, confused, unsure as to why Dean is having such a large and (what Cas explained as an) unnecessary reaction. Jo walked over to Cas, thwacking the back of his head. SHe leaned in to whisper in his ear.
“He hasn’t left the state of Kansas since his mom died, so being away from Bobby, who’s like an uncle to him, is hard. He only stayed so he could feel close to her. Cut him some slack, please.”
With that, Cas nodded, walking over to Dean.
“Anything I can do to help distract you?” Cas’s voice was gravely, not at all how Dean had pictured it. The way Cas said that, made Dean's stomach drop. He knew Cas didn’t mean it like that, but that was the first thing that came to his mind.
“Oh uhm, I don't think so, everythings unpacked for the most part. That box,” Dean pointed to a smaller box on the bed. Cas walked over to it, thinking he wanted Dean to unpack it. “NO… no. I’m not opening that one yet, sorry.”
Charlie sucked air in through her teeth, knowing just what was in the box.
Jo hopped off the bed, clapping her hands together.
“Well, now that we’re done here, he should go watch a movie. They have a whole bunch down in the community hang out, even a big tv! Jo and I got snacks covered, Cas, you got the beer?” Jo said, awaiting Cas’s response. He didn’t say anything, he just gave her a small nod. “Good! Charlie, Cas, meet at the hang. Dean, I’ll come back here in about 15-20 minutes to guide you”
Dean nodded, watching everyone leave.
Now he was alone .
Dean sat on the bed, looking around the blank room. The one thing that dragged him away from Bobby leaving, was hanging up his posters. A task he would tackle in the morning. Dean gathered his sweatpants, putting them on, switching out his flannel for a long-sleeved gray Henley.
The phone's rhythmic bell sounded. He thought it was Bobby, already checking in, but it wasn’t. It was Sam. Dean picked it up, holding the phone to his ear.
“Hello?”
“Hey Dean, I just wanted to check in, see if you had made it to CSU, alright.”
Dean sighed.
“Did Bobby tell you to call? Yea, I had a panic attack this morning, yes I had one when Bobby said he was leaving. I’m fine alright, Sam. I ju-”
“Jesus, Dean, I was just checking in on you. This is the first time since mom died that you’ve gone anywhere farther than Benedictine. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. But from the tone of your voice, you’re not. I’m your brother checking in on you. You did the same to me. Don’t be an asshole.”
Dean sighed again.
“I’m sorry, I already want to go home.”
“What are Charlie and Jo up to? Can you occupy your mind with them for about a week? I guarantee after a week or two, you’ll enjoy it there.”
“Yea, Bobby told me the same thing. I don’t know, Sammy”
“Dean, have I ever been wrong? Give it some time, hang out with Jo and Charlie.”
Dean sighed, once again, in agreement. They said their goodbyes, leaving Dean more alone and confused than before. Dean made it a plan to find a way back to Kansas, he couldn’t do this anymore.
About 5 minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Which was rather odd for Jo, usually she’d just barge right in. It was a surprise to Dean when he saw Castiel standing in the doorway, holding beers, still wearing the same jeans and shirt he had on before. Dean gulped loudly, shoving his phone and hands into his pocket. Why was he nervous?
Dean wiped his eyes quickly, furrowing his brows.
“What’re you doing here? Where’s Jo?”
“Uh, hi. Uhm, Jo got caught up bringing the snacks down to the hang, so she sent me to come get you.” Cas spoke softly, almost as if he was treading on eggshells, scared to say the wrong thing and upset Dean.
Dean sighed, turned around, shut the door (by accident, force of habit), grabbed his throw blanket, opening the door. Cas looked flabbergasted, shocked that Dean closed the door on him.
“Sorry, force of habit.”
Once they made their way to the hang, Jo and Charlie were sitting there, whispering to each other. Dean plopped himself down in between them, getting an ‘oof’ out of them. He chuckled softly, wrapping his arms around the two of them.
“Dean, go sit over there, with Cas. This is our couch.” Charlie said, shoving Dean off the couch. “I was thinking we could watch The Ring . Like we planned back in our high school days, but Dean here was always too busy working.”
Dean rolled his eyes, sitting down next to Cas. Sitting down, Dean let out a groan, there was no doubt that he was exhausted. He was going to stay in his dorm, probably catch up on sleep, but he wanted to be around Jo & Charlie as much as he could before classes started. Dean kicked his shoes off, propping his feet up on the coffee table, laying his blanket across him. Dean didn’t realize how close he was to Cas. When he dropped his hands to his sides, his right hand brushed against Cas’ thigh. Dean’s cheeks instantly went red, folding his arms against his chest.
Jo popped the movie in, not even thirty minutes later, Dean was passed out. He must’ve been sleeping so deeply, that he didn’t realize that he had leaned over and the side of his head was now resting on Cas’ shoulder. Cas looked over at Jo and Charlie trying to get their attention.
Jo looked over, smiling, seeing how red Cas’ cheeks were.
“Jo, what am I supposed to do?” Cas said, trying to remove his shoulder.
“Nothing! Nothing. According to Bobby, he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours, just let him sleep.” She said, nudging Charlie, subtly.
Apparently Jo and Charlie had thought Dean was gay, but were covering it up with women. Charlie always told Jo that her gaydar was going off like crazy anytime she was around Dean. Dean had to admit, there were men that were in his life that he did find attractive, but he always claimed that's a ‘ natural thing.’
“I have to ask, only because it’s been bugging me since I shook his hand,” Cas said, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “But what are the marks on his forearm? His sleeves were up to his elbows and I couldn’t help but look at them.”
Jo’s whole demeanor changed at that moment, she was now serious.
“Well, I told you he hadn’t left Kansas since his mom died, which was almost four years ago.” She sat up a little bit, making sure Dean was still asleep. He was. “Dean was my next door neighbor til about 4 months ago. A huge fire broke out while they lived in Lawrence. Thankfully his dad and younger brother were out of town. But Dean and his mom had been sleeping, gone to bed like normal. Dean woke up to the house being engulfed by flames.”
Cas furrowed his brows.
“How did Dean get out, but his mom didn’t? Are those burn marks?” Cas still had a thousand questions. But stopped asking them when Dean woke up. Jo looked at Cas and whispered to him, quietly that Dean couldn’t hear, but loud enough that Cas could.
“It’s not my story, I think that’s one he should tell when he’s ready.”
Dean lifted his head, standing up quickly, his torso being exposed as he stretched, relieving more of the marks . Cas let out a soft gasp, trying to look away, but he couldn’t. Dean glanced down, noticing what Cas was looking at and instantly put his arms down. His face beat red.
“I-I think I’m going to turn in for the night.” Dean spoke, gathering his belongings.
Jo’s lips went into a straight line, noticing how Dean was now uncomfortable. Charlie chimed in, pausing the movie.
“Alright, Jo or I will swing by tomorrow morning to grab you, so we can all go get breakfast.”
With that, Dean headed back to his dorm, his quiet lonesome dorm where he sat at his desk. He scrolled through his course schedule, class materials, potential classmates (Cas happened to be in four out of five of his classes… Shocker), and meal plans.
The next few weeks of settling in were going to be one hell of a struggle for Dean.