Archive of Our Own

Loki could compare the first week on the Statesman to literal hell.

Although, he suspected it would be a lot more comfortable there than in this cramped can, with no good food and no running water.

And, no matter how many problems they had, what he had with Thor bothered him the most.

Thor, who was literally hovering over him all the time, watching him, staring at him - Loki stated that if it was possible, he would have had a burnt hole in his body already on the first day.

It was just awkward between them. Couldn't elaborate more: it was just awkward.

They didn't talk much, if at all. And when they made eye contact (because Loki couldn't stand his brother's steely stare from the back of the room) it lasted a maximum of 1 second. Then Thor was always the one to look down and pretend he wasn't looking at him like his life depended on it.

Loki didn't know how to feel about this. He didn't understand if Thor wanted to approach him, but some force was stopping him, or vice versa - he didn't want Loki there at all, he was still furious and his actions were the signals for Loki to disappear.

He would understand the ongoing grudge. After all, if Thor pretended to be dead for four years, only to find out later that he was more than "great" and alive, while hiding in Asgard, Loki would have done more than a trivial silence treating.

But that wasn't it.

Loki surely knew that it was something that one conversation couldn't fix; something that needed "emotions" and "sincerity" to properly perform the art of communication. To sum up: everything Loki didn't have or couldn't do.

Also, he knew that if he was the first to initiate the conversation, he'd only mess things up. Therefore, he stated that he would not do it - he would wait for Thor to finally break and tell him to "get out".

It would suit him. He even wanted his brother to tell him, preferably word for word. Then he would at least know he wasn't welcome among the Asgardian community; that he had indeed lost his place, or better yet, had never even belonged there.

He had thought about it even when he was still considering himself a full-blooded Asgardian.

He was reconciled to that fact.

Yet his heart still ached when he realized it really could be true.

Fortunately, he didn't have to think too much about it. Not since the ship was full of work and he was really needed all the time. Due to his abilities, he was assigned to the 'healing floor'; he tended to the wounded, helped pregnant people, and made sure that the elderly did not complain that much.

He didn't blame anyone for making him work. Even if his seidr, after working many hours, looked more like a slowly drying puddle and the throbbing in his head might have already cracked his skull.

He stated that, if anything, he was enjoying it. Because of his busy schedule, he didn't have to feel any emotion nor think about his brother. Those were more like annoying flies than real problems.

Not mentioning that Thor was the one who assigned him to do it.

It was one of the last times they actually used words. Well, Thor did. Loki just nodded in response and went straight to doing his job. He felt that Thor wanted to say something else. He saw it on his face and sensed the awkwardness between them, the moment Thor stood in front of his younger brother.

However, as Loki has already decided, if Thor wants to, he will come to him himself. He didn't want to be the first one to reach out, start a conversation, or worse - forget past unpleasantnesses so they could act "as if nothing ever happened."

Thor had taken away his kingdom, so starting the conversation was a bare minimum.

Loki walked down the long corridor, massaging the sore spot on his lower back. He felt like he would fall asleep standing up if he stopped for even a moment.

It had been almost a month and there were still many wounded. Every day his seidr was being abused, as well as his brain and even his ability to speak. Loki was glad that the Asgardians willingly came to him for advice, opinions and for healing herbs, but the price for this was overwhelming fatigue.

He knew that if he ate, drank, or at least slept for more than one hour, the pain and weariness would not be so noticeable. He knew it, but still decided not to do anything about it.

Thor would scold him for that.

He would for sure only if they talked. And they don't do that anymore. They hadn't even seen each other since Loki had holed up in the "medical floor" above the warehouses, and Thor (as one of his patients told him) ruled the Asgardians two floors above him.

Loki wanted to laugh bitterly when he heard that.

King Thor

He was reportedly doing well. Together with Valkyrie, they were guarding supplies, keeping order, and Dr. Banner was preventing the ship from suddenly blowing up.

Everyone had their job, their duty. Loki certainly didn't mind being alone. After all, he'd spent many years alone, so he'd gotten used to it. He didn't need to see Thor, the Midgard's Beast that had beaten him, not even Heimdall, who would bring back "bad memories".

He was alone and everything was great.

And yet, he still had that strange feeling in his body: something like that urge to be productive, but then not being able to bring oneself to do it. He preferred to blame it on the feeling of hunger. Yes, it was definitely it, because he only took one bite of a dry loaf for the whole day and definitely not because his own brother pretended like he didn't exist.

Loki was convinced it was just about the food.

He wasn't going to think about Thor. About how he threw him off the throne he had been sitting on for 4 years. Like he had never asked him for help or even for his opinion, or even asked how he was after the battle.

Just like after New York

No, Loki didn't care.

But he was forced to start doing it when he turned the corner and saw his older brother, leaning against the wall across his own room, with arms crossed and a not very pleasant expression on his face. Of course, he had to visit when Loki was most tired and wanted to get some sleep.

His first instinct was to turn and run. He was about to do it, he even turned on his heel. But Thor saw him.

"Loki!" he called, and the sound itself made Loki grimace. He felt as if he was in Asgard again and had just seen Thor for the first time in 4 years.

That was stupid, because he didn't do anything wrong this time.

Probably.

Loki took a deep breath, sticking on his face one of those fake smiles he always used. He couldn't show Thor how badly he was feeling, because that would give them all another example of how much King Thor is better than his younger sibling. For Loki, it would be best to hide under the illusion, but just thinking about it makes him sick.

So he welcomed sweetly "Brother"

Thor was smiling as always - brightly as the sun itself. But still Loki could see suspicion dancing in his last eye.

He asked, standing in front of Thor "To what do I owe your visit?"

"Can't Brother see his family?" Thor answered, staring at Loki as he disappointed him.

No Loki thought.

He was for sure it was only a game. Thor wasn't hurting at all, he didn't want to see him like that. He had to want something. It was the same as when Loki was locked up in the dungeons, and Thor had only come to him for a favor, not to check on his injuries or soothe him after their mother's death.

Loki felt a stab at the sudden memory.

The shadows from the past were still after him. But before he could think about it any further, he had to reply to Thor with an overly amused smile "I apologize, of course you're right"

He continued, grimacing slightly as he gestured to the door to his room "I would invite you inside, but you know... there is not enough space even for me one"

"I'm sure you are exaggerating" Thor chuckled, already opening the door.

But when the light automatically turned on, he realized that Loki wasn't "exaggerating" at all.

His room was more like a broom closet than a real room.

...Actually, it was a broom closet. When Loki realized that everyone would have to share a room with at least two people, he stated that he would agree to do it over his dead body.

So he found the said closet, spread one of the free mattresses on the floor, and the one blanket he managed to summon with his last bit of magic acted as a pillow for him. In addition, there was a bedside table that he had shamelessly stolen from the main chambers. One sad beige candle and various brooms were leaning against one of the corners. Some medicinal herbs on the table, next to stale bread loafs and a half-full cup of black coffee.

But that was fine for Loki.

He was alone, nobody was bothering him with their annoying personality. He had everything he needed. Without any useless furniture and unnecessary windows that was reminding him of the incident. It was fine, and Thor had no right to frown like when he saw it.

"I remember inviting you to share chambers with me..." he reminded, looking sympathetically at his brother.

"And I remember saying no" Loki gave him a sweet smile.

Even though he knew perfectly well that he'd agree right away if it was just him and Thor. He wanted to believe that it was only because of his sympathy for comfort and peace.

But unfortunately, the additional companion was to be Valkyrie, with whom he had not the best relations since Sakaar and the Beast.

And at the mere mention of sharing his daily space with them, Loki felt like his skin was burning and itching.

"Still..." Thor sighed, entering Loki's closet. He sat on the mattress on the ground, completely unconcerned that he had just taken up 2/3 of the entire space. He finished, looking into the green eyes with hope "my invitation still stands"

"I will remember" he lied.

Thor continued to stare at him, apparently having to make up for all the lost eye contact since they hadn't seen each other. Loki, however, pretended that his fingernails were much more interesting and did not see Thor's longing gaze at all. He knew what he wanted to do. After all, subtlety had never been his strong side.

"Loki" Thor called to him when the silence was getting too long.

Loki lifted his head and looked at Thor with a sugary childish ignorance. It used to work for Thor. Loki hoped that maybe at least that naivety in him hadn't changed.

He looked at his wound, which was already healing nicely. Of course, thanks to Loki, who used his tenuous healing magic on the very first day. Back then, when there was still hope in his heart that they might be able to mend their tattered and fully broken relationship.

"We need to talk" Thor announced, and Loki instantly felt like he was about to throw up.

He'll tell you to get out of here the thought whispered somewhere in the back of his mind.

Loki's smile faltered. He had to ignore the sudden trembling of his hands, so he just sighed "So be it"

He went inside and closed the door behind them. He was forced to sit next to his brother on the mattress since he didn't want to just awkwardly fly over Thor. But once he took his seat, he made sure he was as far away from Thor as possible.

Loki stated that since Thor's hospitality had come to an end, he should tell him as soon as possible. The sooner the better. Maybe then he'd be able to leave the ship before the daytime lights went out. He realized, however, that it was a pity to leave the wounded only with Eir... but it was not his problem.

"How are you?" Thor's nonchalant tone snapped Loki out of his thoughts.

And Loki just frowned in confusion. He replied, keeping a skeptical look "Fine..?"

If Thor had come to him, an hour before the lights were turned off, just to ask how he was doing, then, Loki decided, he couldn't be as busy as everyone said.

"Mhm" Thor nodded, shamelessly looking Loki up and down. He realized that Thor probably didn't like the paleness of his skin, the blue bags under his eyes, and the monstrous fatigue emanating from his body. Loki could blush with embarrassment at this. However, he couldn't bring himself to care anyway.

It probably wasn't healthy.

As Loki pulled his knees up to his chin, Thor said "I hear you guys are very busy here"

"Right, we are" Loki admitted, because it happened to be a common fact. Everyone saw how many people were injured, which made everyone feel sorry for the poor Medical Floor. Loki had no way to deny it, much to his annoyance.

He understood that Thor wanted him to continue, so he did. Although, he said, it felt more like reporting to his superior than a normal conversation between the family "It's me, Eir, and two more practitioners from Asgard. We also have the help of some survivors who know the basics. We manage."

And as he said the last sentence, he gave Thor a provocative look. One that says I don't need your compassion.

"I believe you do. Especially since you are doing a wonderful job" Thor replied, not at all put off by his sibling's behavior.

Loki didn't notice the smile Thor sent him, or how he hesitated to decide whether he should put his arm around his brother or not. Instead, he stared blankly at his own fingers, the cuticles around the nails were still bleeding and the nails themselves looking as if the Prince had tried to pull them out.

"I wouldn't say what I do is great... my healing magic isn't even half as good as Eir's" he replied, torturing his sore fingernails again.

He himself didn't know why he rejected the praise so quickly - normally he would enjoy it, trying to do anything to hear more of them. But now he didn't feel that way at all. More likely it was because he couldn't, wouldn't, believe his brother's words.

"Nonsense" Thor laughed lightly, embracing Loki. He had obviously made up his mind.

He spoke with a smile, but didn't miss how Loki's smaller form suddenly flinched at the sudden touch "I'm sure if you hadn't been here, thousands more would still have been injured"

Loki stared at him for a moment, as if he wasn't even there. Thor noticed with horror that his eyes stopped sparkling and shining as they used to do. He couldn't comment on that because then Loki muttered "If you say so..."

He tried to free himself from Thor's arm, which was burning his skin. He didn't want this sudden feeling, completely unnecessary compliments and another hope. Certainly not when he still didn't know what his big brother's deal was, and while anxiety was making his hands shake.

Thor opened his mouth to say something, probably something stupid again, but then Loki cut him off coldly "I remember you wanted to talk to me about something"

From the way Thor pursed his lips together for a very brief moment, Loki knew he had just thwarted his plans. Apparently, his brother had some plan in mind for how this whole conversation was supposed to go on. Light talk first, pretending to care about him, then something much worse.

"Right" Thor agreed.

His arm dropped, finally giving Loki his beloved space. He debated quietly for a moment, observing Loki and thinking about what he should say. Loki didn't mind, as if he was glad to have a moment to close his eyes and feel the cold steel at the back of his head.

Unfortunately, the moment did not last long. Thor spoke "We plan to stop at a nearby planet. Soon, probably in 3 days. We'll refill fuel and water and the group will head to town for supplies. Medical Floor will also benefit."

"What is this planet called?" Loki asked, eyes still closed.

Thor replied, rubbing his weary face "I don't remember, something starting with a 'Z'. But I know it's perfectly safe. Val assured me"

Val Loki repeated in his mind. He smiled widely, mutely pronouncing each of the letters, savoring them like something very sweet.

It hurt him.

He was too tired to deny the sudden feeling. That when he was there, in some dark basement, in a closet, with people who were only injured or unable to fight, exhausted from fatigue, in constant pain and stress, Thor was making friends.

Although, Loki reminded himself, he should have gotten used to it by now.

"And how do you know she is telling the truth?" he asked, now looking directly at Thor.

"Valkyrie is our friend. I believe her" Thor answered him in a scolding voice, as if he already sensed that Loki was suddenly upset.

"You should have asked me" Loki said in a stern voice. With each word, he felt anger begin to fill him more and more "You know well that I know a lot more about other planets than some old, fallen Valkyrie, pathetic drunk-"

"Loki!" Thor shouted, interrupting him.

The action made his shoulders jump miserably. Loki's fingers clenched on its own, digging into clothed arms, and his gaze wandered to the corner.

Thor apparently noticed his mistake, as his voice became tiresomely soft again as he revealed "I didn't want to disturb you"

Loki only snorted dryly, not believing him at all "Sure"

"No, really... Loki-" Thor started, frowning and clearly not understanding why his brother was suddenly like this. He wanted to find out, but then Loki cut in coldly, still refusing to meet his eyes.

"I want to be alone"

"I want to be alone" he growled once more when Thor didn't move. Tears began to burn in his eyes, and his nails had probably pierced his skin already. He knew it was about to happen - he would explode. He knew it when he even decided to wake up in the morning, and yet he did everything to bring himself to this state even more.

Thor watched him silently. Loki thought he must have had a deja vu from the days of Asgard, and now he wished he had left him alone on that planet, when it was burning, eventually exploding.

"I'm not done yet" Thor revealed.

"I've been told you don't come for your supplies"

That was the last thing Loki expected to hear.

"What?" he asked stupidly, looking at his brother in complete shock.

Something in him reappeared. Something that mixed with the previous feeling, caused the adrenaline in his body to kill his fatigue completely. Anger took over him, which he didn't try to hide as he hissed "You were asking about me? Spying on me?"

"I had to" Thor explained, as it was an obvious obviousness.

Loki's horrible laugh echoed in the small room, sounding like something on the verge of a breakdown; from screaming in anger and crying dirty. He gasped out between laughs "I can't believe it"

"Gods help me" he begged, staring at the ceiling as if he expected someone to pick him up and take him to Valhalla, where he would be at peace and away from his idiot brother.

He wasn't going to listen to Thor, not even for one more minute. Not since he realized that he still didn't trust him, to the point where he made people spy on him, make sure he wasn't doing any harm. Even after he was King, Asgard was the most prosperous in the last millennia.

After he came back and saved the Asgardian people. After their conversation in the elevator.

You could be more that's what Thor told him then.

Apparently, he didn't believe those words himself.

"Loki, I-" Thor tried, but was immediately interrupted.

"Leave" Loki said dangerously quietly.

Thor stared at him dully, wishing the conversation had gone the other way. This made Loki finally snapped "I said LEAVE!"

He roared as he grabbed a forgotten cup with unfinished coffee in it and slammed it against the metal door in front of him. The dish shattered instantly, dirtying everything around it. And parts of it fell to the floor with a sound too loud.

Thor didn't flinch, didn't even react. Instead, he watched his brother, sympathy etched on his face as Loki panted with bright red on both cheeks. It was all too similar to the countless times in Asgard where emotions took over Loki. When he felt useless.

He wondered if it was a good idea to leave Loki alone like this. But when he saw how he was trembling with anger, clenching his fists so that his knuckles turned white, his eyes filled with tears, already pouring down his cheeks; Thor decided it was better to be gone.

Before he got up, however, he said annoyingly calmly "Still, I hope to see you in the cafeteria tomorrow morning"

Loki was too engrossed in the metal wall to raise his head and look Thor in the eye. Still, he knew how she looked at him - with pity. He knew he felt sorry for him, that he despised him.

"We'll talk about this" he heard Thor's last words.

And then he left, leaving Loki alone. Alone again: just him, his shaky breath and trembling hands.

He wiped his face with his sleeve, hating how suddenly tears began to roll down his face despite his will and willingness. He tried to push himself into the corner even more, almost becoming one with the steel. He wanted to disappear.

No. He wanted something else, something quite the opposite - he wanted to be seen. He didn't want to be left alone, he didn't want Thor to leave. He wanted the comfort of his older brother.

It was stupid. Loki knew it, and yet it was the only thing he could think of. Sitting in his cubicle choking on sobs.

He looked at the pieces of the broken cup as if they had called out his name.

The thought lit up in the mind of the god. An evil, wicked, dangerous thought. One that would ruin him even more, but would help him. But also one that would make Thor once again show triumph over his jealous little brother, so weak that he is plagued by his own body and emotions.

Not today Loki stated.

He closed his eyes tightly, burying his face in his knees and covering his ears as if the pieces were really speaking to him.

He repeated once more:

Not today

-

It wasn't like Loki didn't come to the cafeteria on purpose. He just felt that the things he had to do were more important than taking his portion and eating it, in a room filled with Asgardians who were still suspicious of the young Prince.

And it wasn't like he didn't eat either. He did - one bite of a dry bun, washed down with more black coffee without sugar. He even once ate half an apple!

If it had been up to him, he would never have gone to that cafeteria. But, then, it wasn't "up to him". At least not anymore.

And even if he hated his brother, he still knew he had to listen to him. No matter how much it annoyed him, he knew that if he didn't come, another problem would arise. And he wasn't up to arguing with his whimsical brother any longer.

Loki was standing in the metal frame of the door that opened onto the largest room, the "cafeteria" - a place with many long tables and even more chairs of various kinds. Some didn't even count as "chairs", such as a smaller wooden box or metal bucket, placed upside down.

But it was still a cafeteria. Anyone, regardless of previous occupation or position in society, could come and use one portion from the stocks that were calculated for everyone the day before. Everyone had the honor of eating one stale bread roll with a tomato inside, or one full plate of soup, which was prepared by the cooks who once served in the palace of the Royal Family.

He walked over to a table without chairs, greeting one of the former servants, who gave him a surprised smile. She poured the liquid into a metal bowl, making Loki nod . Then, without making eye contact with anyone, he sat down in the darkest part of the room.

Thor was nowhere to be seen, which only made him feel better. His unexpected as well as unnecessary intrusion yesterday had made no difference to their awkward relationship. If anything, it made them even more nervous. The last thing he wanted was to be treated like a child who needed constant care and urging to eat a meal. Better: Loki was convinced that if Thor had been there, sitting next to him, he would have tried to blow at his soup.

At least there were only a handful of people with him now. The day lights didn't turn on until he was halfway to the hall, so he shared the supper with literally 7 people, including himself, one of the cooks and a servant.

And even so, it still annoyed him. He had no idea why he felt this way. After all, he was a Prince, ruling Asgard alone for nearly half a decade. And yet, ever since Thor had just mentioned coming into the hall and eating with company, he felt an invisible hand tightening on his throat, his skin itching, and his fingernails inviting him to tear them open again.

He preferred to think it was due to the fatigue that had soaked his bones to such an extent that it would stay there for a long time. If not forever. So he looked at his meal, at his "breakfast" of milk with melted sugar and noodles.

He watched the milk pour into his spoon, almost in slow motion, and when he did, he felt weird.

As if he finally understood where he was, but he had no idea what he was doing there. Plus, he didn't feel hungry anymore, he honestly stopped the moment he received the bowl.

But he knew he had to eat. Or that's what this so-called "survival instinct" told him.

So, with great reluctance, Loki took a sip of his breakfast.

The milk was cloudy and the noodles cold, but that wasn't his main focus. He suddenly felt a strong pang of anxiety; as if he had done something wrong and embarrassing at the same time. He scanned the rooms, looked at every person sitting there, looking for a possible source of the sudden feeling.

And when he realized that no one was doing it and everyone looked like he could care less about the Prince's presence, Loki felt terribly embarrassed.

He didn't know why his throat tightened and his stomach began to ache. He didn't know why he suddenly felt like he was about to squirm in place. He didn't know why the thought of someone looking at him while he was eating made him shiver.

He didn't know, but suspected.

Because, after all, it wasn't the first time he'd experienced it.

It was a long time ago. In fallen Asgard. There isn't much to tell about it - when his anxiety spiked, caused by the most trivial thing like hearing a bad word from his father or about an upcoming party, his appetite subsided instantly, to the point that he went without food for days, and the mere thought of eating was making him vomit.

But that was a long time ago. Loki still had some of the habits from that period, but that didn't mean it was back.

This is definitely not it he thought mentally, frowning at his meal as if it had just offended him.

But even as he thought so, something in him panicked.

Some part of him told him he was his pathetic young self again, stressing himself out every day to the point of refusing to eat. He was again the one who cried himself to sleep every night, and one failure instantly made him want to drown himself in the lake.

Loki shook his head, chasing away those thoughts. He stated that he had just lost his appetite. That happens, especially when you are focused on something much more important, as in the case of Loki: taking care of the thousand surviving Asgardians.

His unstable emotional state had no effect on it.

He said he'd be back later.

Or the next day.

Definitely will be back someday.

Someday, but not now. Now he had the places he needed to be. So Loki grabbed the bowl in both hands in order to give the almost untouched portion to someone else. However, just as he was about to get up, someone sat down beside him.

"I advise you not to throw it away" Valkyrie's voice rang out, making Loki frown again.

He hadn't heard her sneak up on him, which gave him another alarming thought. The woman pointed her spoon at Loki's meal in front of her, saying "I'm sorry, but there's not enough portions for your picky palate."

"I wasn't going to throw it away" Loki growled, completely unconcerned by the hostility he displayed.

Their relationship after Sakaar didn't improve. In fact, they didn't even have time, since he spent time only on his floor. But Loki didn't even regret it. He wasn't there to make friends. He was there to survive, to show them all that they were wrong and that he was worthy.

"Still" she shrugged, then started eating herself.

Loki watched her menacingly, wondering what he should do now. Strangely enough, it was even difficult for him to think. He missed his tea, it would surely help him with his stomach and uncertain thoughts.

He finally got up from the table, knowing he had no time for someone so unimportant.

Loki was about to leave, but then Valkyrie spoke up "The council meeting will be held in the cockpit. Your Majesty had better adjust your schedule and don't be late, because we're procrastinating it way too long anyway..."

He looked at the woman as if she spoke a different language and asked "What are you talking about?"

Now she looked at him in disbelief. It looked comical and maybe Loki would have laughed if he hadn't heard her explanation: "The council meeting. The one which will take place after the second meal. Thor should have told you about it yesterday"

Loki felt a sudden tug, but didn't show it. Instead, he revealed throwing his hands around "Well, he didn't"

And, suddenly, Val's eyes widened in the realization that she probably shouldn't have divulged the information to her prince. After Thor hadn't shut up about his little brother for the last month, she knew he wouldn't forget it. So... he must have had a reason.

Loki, realizing what was going on, clenched his fingers at his sides and asked again, feigning calm "What council meeting?"

"Go ask your brother" Val went back to her meal, washing her hands of this family quarrel she had no intention of being a part of.

Loki didn't need to ask Thor to know what was going on. It was clear, clear as day - Thor didn't want him. Yesterday, he confirmed the fact that he didn't trust him, so why would he invite him to something as confidential as running people on the spaceship?

He felt his emotions take over again.

That frustration again; anger at being mistreated. Jealousy because Thor trusted a person he met no more than 2 weeks ago more than his own brother. And, of course, sadness - overwhelming sadness and pity that made Loki want to fall on the ground and cry. To sob until his lungs collapse, so that someone finally will see his despair, that someone will finally see him.

But instead of breaking down, there in the middle of some makeshift cafeteria, Loki threw the bowl back on the table, spilling some whiteness on the tabletop. And after that, he started walking briskly towards the exit.

He had to run away, he had to be alone. He felt like he was on a mission not to let anyone see how bad the prince was.

However, the Norny had long ago decided that he would not have an easy life, as evidenced by how many people suddenly appeared around the Asgardian Prince.

He didn't notice how suddenly the hall was filled with thousands of people when he was talking to Valkyrie. He didn't notice that everyone was looking at him, saying something, whispering, mocking him. He didn't know when his throat tightened and his mouth went dry. How suddenly his pulse quickened and his field of vision narrowed, giving the impression that he was in a place with no way out.

Despite his wobbly legs, Loki kept walking.

He clenched his fists so hard that his skin pained and, eyes downcast, walked forward. All he had to do was leave the cafeteria, go back to his solitude, and everything would be back to normal. He would be his impassive self again, who didn't care if there were more than 10 people talking in the room at once, he could be himself again, who didn't care if someone chewed or swallowed too loudly. A somebody who doesn't care about anything, not even that his own brother doesn't want him.

He was already out, one foot in the corridor, but then someone stopped him. Strangely, it wasn't Thor. It was someone much worse for him.

"Loki? Are you okay?" Banner asked hesitantly. Even if Loki just terrified him, it still bothered him to see someone as powerful as a literal Norse God shiver, with moisture running down his face like the room was on fire.

"I..." Loki began, his eyes widening as he stared at the Midgard Beast.

He did not answer. He tightened his lips and looked around the room once more. It seemed to him that everyone was looking at him, especially now that attention was drawn to his condition.

It was suddenly too warm.

He had to escape. He wanted to teleport even though he knew it would kill him. He was about to risk it, but then he felt a foreign touch on his forearm.

"Don't touch me!" Loki screamed, and the room suddenly fell silent.

He took a step back, the metal frame jabbing him square in the spine as he stared, eyes wide in panic, at the man in front of him. He felt like a trapped animal with all its legs broken.

"Sorry, I won't do it again. Just... breathe" Bruce put his hands up in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. He obviously understood what was happening to Loki. He wanted to take him out of the hall, make him stop shaking, call Thor, because he would probably be a better source of comfort.

Loki, however, did not listen to him. He looked above him, where on both sides, curious Asgardians began to get up from their seats to check what was happening to the Prince. Loki could see the concern on their faces, but he was sure it was a trivial illusion, because no one ever cared about him. The proof was that even Valkyrie, whom he hated with all his heart, looked disturbed from her place at the end of the cafeteria.

He already had an image of himself sitting on the dirty floor with his ears covered and his knees pulled up to his chest. He saw himself giving in to his emotions, shaking as he was choking on his own tears. Then he would be completely fooled. He would be pathetic, everyone would laugh at him.

Just like then

Valkyrie rose from her seat, but before she could approach the two of them, Loki was gone.

-

He ran through the corridors, not knowing exactly where he was going. He heard shouts behind him, whether it was Banner or even that woman. He heard the anxious voices of the Asgardians he passed. For a moment, he even thought he was hearing Thor.

But he ignored it all. He had to be away from everyone. To calm down and get it right. Think. Do not give anyone, ever again, a single opportunity to laugh.

That's why he was in a warehouse, upstairs below his own. It was early, and no one was there that often, at least not this early. The automatic lights didn't work, so he was greeted by total darkness.

A darkness he couldn't be more grateful for.

He felt that it was the only thing that knew him, even knew him better than himself. Some days she bothered him, because he associated it with cold and loneliness. Being there. It made him afraid to close his eyes, and he spent many nights in the palace staring longingly out the window, watching the sleepy city and counting his own sins.

On days like this, he hated the dark.

Now, however, it was his shelter from the rest of the world. Protecting himself from those who cared too much about his condition and escaping from those he never intended to open up to.

His footsteps echoed as he crossed the long hall, only to finally hide behind one of the larger crates. He sat down on the cold floor and closed his eyes despite the darkness. He wasn't crying, but the sweat streaming down his face could easily be mistaken for tears. Or maybe it was tears, but he didn't want to admit it.

He tried to calm down. Every trick he'd ever known flashed before his eyes: he massaged his hands, gently rubbing his knuckles with his thumb, counted silently from 100 to 1, even rocked back and forth. Nothing helped. He was still shaking and still couldn't breathe. His chest rose and fell against his will, and his heart broke his ribs from the speed it was beating.

Something inside him continued to tremble, wailing and screaming like a crying baby. Something was bothering him, being like a wasp, or better, a horn that cannot be chased away, and at the same time, the full summer sun makes a person's skin burn.

He knew what he had to do to stop it.

And this time, the idea was much more encouraging than the night before.

He slid his hand into the pocket of his old armor, grabbing a pouch with pieces of broken porcelain inside. In the morning, he picked up the pieces to throw them in a dumpster located in one of the upstairs corridors. But he forgot. For the first time in his life, he was so happy that he forgot something.

With one motion, he tore open the pouch and spilled the rest of the cup onto his bare hands. He could feel their coldness, feel the sharp edges that hadn't yet dug into his soft skin. He stared at it for a moment, but it was only for a fraction of a second.

And then he clenched both hands into fists.

Pain shot through him instantly, as quickly as when the crimson had appeared. It poured out through the cracks of his fingers and dripped slowly down his pale palms. It's been many years since he did it so openly, so deliberately. He had forgotten how nice pain could be, how comforting.

He focused on the feeling, sensing his whole body began to relax. The pulse evened out, the chest stopped heaving. The hornet disappeared. Everything was as before, maybe even better.

However, just when he felt that everything bad was gone, he realized something very important.

Loki opened his hands and grimaced at his brutally injured hands. The way some of the pieces were deeply embedded in his velvety skin. But that wasn't what was on his mind. Only that he understood it had finally happened.

He lost control.

He wasn't angry or sad about it. The word disappointed was a good choice.

He imagined himself, his former-self; how sadly he would have looked at him as he lay on the earth of this dark warehouse, bits of porcelain stabbing his skin. The way his face would burst with tears, realizing that he'd been lying to himself all his life, telling himself that he would someday resist the temptation.

The present Loki would actually do it himself if he didn't have work to do. He'd probably spend the rest of the day in that hall, feeling sorry for himself and maybe hurting himself even more. Fortunately, duty was calling him. He knew there were people who depended on him, even if it wasn't his own brother.

It made him think of Thor.

He was sure he was doing better. He even felt as if he had indeed "taken back control", but now he had destroyed that illusion completely. Thor told him he could be better. He regretted believing him then.

Now he thought about what he would do if he found out. After all, it was not some great mystery or intricate riddle. His older brother wasn't stupid, at least not so dumb that he couldn't figure out why Loki's skin had sores when he wasn't in any danger.

In Asgard, that would be a much bigger problem. He'd probably feel embarrassed stealing bandages from the first-aid kit and hiding his wounds under long pants or shirts. He would tremble at the thought of "someone finding out" to the point that he would vomit from the stress.

Now though, he couldn't bring himself to care, at least not that much. He stated that it was just a "moment of weakness", that he hadn't really gone back to his aching habits and wouldn't be forced to see Thor's tears.

So he got up off the floor, cleaned up the blood, and put the fragments back in his pocket, intending to actually throw them away this time.

He'll regain control. He just needs a little more time.

Definitely.

Loki hadn't eaten for 72 hours.

It was very little compared to his previous life. Then the same thing would come to him, like some unfortunate nightmare in the night, disturbing his sleep of beauty, taking away the taste of his favorite meals, turning his beloved tea into lake water and coffee into tar.

It grabbed him and drowned him, made him have to give up and wait for it to pass. It was frustrating, because no matter how much he tried to force himself to eat; no matter how hard he tried to fight it, he couldn't do anything but wait. He felt helpless and, at the same time, as if he was the most powerful being in the world.

Because it actually helped.

This time it was similar. The only difference was that he was convinced that he had chosen it consciously; that he could end it if he wanted to. He will stop immediately if he feels hungry or notices that his body can no longer take it.

Because, so far, he was managing. That's what he claimed.

He wasn't hungry, he wasn't cold, he even succeeded in sleeping more than an hour a night. However, the fatigue in him increased, and the headache was comparable to someone holding him tight and gradually creating cracks in his skull.

Not to mention his hands; not only hurt, but also were trembling for no reason.

The result of this was that he couldn't apply a bandage properly to the elbow of the child in front of him. It annoyed him - his inability to do something so easy and simple, something a random Asgardian would do. Even this child who was his patient could do it alone.

He hated it. The anger that hadn't left his body even for a moment recently, the helplessness that made him want to cry pitifully, and the searing pain in the skin of his hands. Which he did to himself.

It was beyond him, he felt again like that time on Bifrost, when he had no choice but to let go...

"My Prince" a soft female voice snapped him out of these unfortunate events.

Loki blinked, realizing that he was holding the piece of fabric so tightly that holes were starting to form in it. Eir assured him, placing a hand gently on his shoulder "I'll take it from you now. You'd better go get some rest."

He looked up, now looking into the brown eyes of his mother's good friend. She had an expression very sweetly similar to the one Frigga had on after her son tried to argue with her and her mind was already made up. He felt a painful nostalgia as he realized this.

Loki didn't have the strength to argue, so he just nodded, feeling like the most useless person on the ship.

He went to the sink hidden in the corner of the room, behind many partitions, and, taking advantage of the moment when no one was paying attention to him, took off the gloves from his armor. He immediately saw bloody gauze and many cuts adorning his long fingers.

His pale skin contrasted with the swollen spots and unhealthy redness. Loki grimaced at this, knowing full well that something that would disappear in just 12 hours without leaving a scar didn't even look like wanting to start doing so.

Weak he thought, running his thumb along the edge of one of the deeper wounds.

He turned on the tap, and, as the cold water hit his hot skin, he couldn't help but wince slightly at the sensation. Fortunately, it also brought a feeling of cool relief.

Loki didn't want to let himself think that his body was giving up, so he looked away from his whipped hands. He turned off the faucet, replaced the gauze with a new one, and hid the wounds again under the fingerless gloves of his armor.

He wasn't ashamed of them, no. Just as he wasn't afraid of people's reaction to seeing them. He just knew it would cause problems - someone might get too interested in him, ask how he was doing, and he'd have to answer it all with a nice smile, even if he felt like the complete opposite.

And, at worst, Thor would be notified.

Speaking of the devil... Loki avoided him.

Openly and shamelessly, Loki had been avoiding him for the past few days. He knew he must have found out about what had happened earlier in the cafeteria. Was it Banner who chose to tell him or Valkyrie. Even a concerned onlooker might have let him know.

One thing was certain: Thor knew, and Loki had no time to explain it to him and assure him that "it's nothing."

Mainly because some part of him didn't believe it itself.

He was forced to leave his cubicle and move into a darkroom in a warehouse. He didn't complain as long as he had peace and quiet and was sure his older brother wouldn't find him there. He also had to move carefully through the corridors, feeling again like a teenager trying to leave the palace in the middle of the night.

But so far, he's succeeded.

But it couldn't last forever.

"Brother" Thor's voice called, making him flinch.

He involuntarily turned his head towards the source of the sound, only to see Thor standing, leaning against the doorframe, arms folded across his chest, staring at his sibling with an unreadable expression on his face. Loki had no idea how long he was standing there, which made him feel like he was back in the cafeteria when Valkyria sneaked up on him.

"Brother..." Loki nodded in greeting, already wearing his famous smile.

Loki furtively hid his hands behind his back, as if afraid Thor would be able to see his wounds through the layers of armor. But he wasn't afraid of him, he wasn't definitely doing that.

Only his fatigue increased as he realized that he would now have to face his brother after days of ignoring him.

"I've been looking for you the last few days" Thor admonished, saying as if he was preparing to give him a lecture. "You can imagine my surprise when I didn't find you anywhere on the spaceship, even after waiting at your room's door for hours"

Loki had to use all his (remaining) life force just to keep from rolling his eyes at this.

And Thor continued "And when I asked people, they confirmed that they saw you quite recently. I don't know, brother, but it almost felt like you were hiding from me on purpose"

He once claimed his older brother was so stupid he couldn't see that trick. But that was once, now Loki was staring at him, wondering who and when had replaced his goffy brother with someone who looked a thousand years older; like a real adult and a "wise" man.

Loki found it to be a strange feeling. He was surprised because he had never felt like this before.

But without giving a chance to let Thor take the satisfaction that he had managed to see him, Loki laughed "I'm truly sorry if you felt that way. It really wasn't my intention. I just had a lot of work to do, you know, the clinic and the other stuff..."

"I see" Thor nodded and the smile on his face said that he didn't believe Loki's words at all. However, he did not ask questions, instead revealed, taking a step closer "I was hoping we could talk though"

Loki felt himself stiffen at the voice of Thor's, which had something dangerous lurking in it.

"Well, we can talk now" Loki shrugged, even if he barely got the words out. Then he added, with a dose of provocation "Unless you have more important things to do right now"

Thor's smile spread over his features, giving the impression that it was sincere. Which only confused Loki even more. He said, deliberately casually "No, I don't. I've actually been thinking about it myself, especially now during the main meal"

The thought of food made Loki's green eyes panic for a moment. But it was brief. He believed Thor didn't have time to notice. He wasn't going to come up with any excuses, especially when he knew it would only lose him. Thor saw how little traffic there was that day in the clinic, and Eir herself behaved as if she had been trying to remove the Prince from the room for many hours.

That's why he agreed.

"With pleasure" he nodded. He pushed off the sink, his voice dripping with fake joy "I hope today's meal will contain meat"

Thor stood there for a moment longer, his eyes slightly frosted, watching his sibling closely, as if trying to see right through them. Loki began to wonder if maybe, with the loss of an eye, Thor gained an X-RAY in the other.

Maybe he had it, but he didn't show it. He also nodded his head and, after exchanging glances with Eir, left.

He knew.

-

The journey to the cafeteria floor was long and silent.

Too quiet. Loki could easily cut the silence with one of his daggers (if only he had the strength to summon a weapon). Nor was there any random Asgardian to fill it for even a moment by bowing and wishing the brothers a nice day. And if he started a little conversation, Loki would immediately offer him his hand.

But that didn't happen.

No, there was only Thor, Loki, and the sound of footsteps bouncing off the steel walls and echoing far away.

Normally, Loki would be glad of that: that his overjoyed brother had finally shut up.

Instead, however, he felt suspicious, even alarmed. Because Thor doesn't yell at him or ask what happened to his sibling since their fight. Loki would rather he did, because then he'd have some excuse to start another of his arguments and run away from him. Maybe even forever.

Loki didn't understand why he wasn't relieved at that thought.

Knowing that he was approaching this "torture chamber", he felt more and more desperate with each step. He began to think hard about whether there really wasn't some way to improve his miserable situation.

Talking about some crap was out of the question because, really, he didn't want to talk to his brother. He could always escape; suddenly jump up and start running in the opposite direction. Although he doubted if his body would be able to run even to the nearest stairwell without being short of breath. Then it would just be comical.

Suddenly, an idea flashed through his mind to turn into an insect and hide in a corner until Thor forgot about him. After all, shapeshifting was always good for him, so he figured it might actually be a good idea.

But then they reached their destination.

They stood in front of the same entrance where Loki had spoken to Bruce two days ago. He could see that the hall was filled to the brim with people. Every seat was taken, everyone was eating, talking, laughing and some even arguing.

If that didn't make Loki uncomfortable, the sickly smell of food that hung in the hall definitely did.

He felt his throat constrict and his breathing quickened. He knew he couldn't get in there; that he would not survive in such a stuffy room filled with a thousand people. Plus, with a plate of disgusting food in front of him that felt like soggy cotton wool in his mouth.

Suddenly, begging Thor not to make him go in there was a wonderful idea for Loki. He could do it, even if it required his real tears and a few pathetic words to sweeten him. He could have done it, but then Thor spoke two words that saved him.

"Wait here"

And, with that one word, Thor disappeared into the crowded hall, leaving his puzzled little brother alone in the corridor. Loki noticed that he was scratching his hands just as he realized he was waiting for Thor as docilely as a dog waits for his master outside the grocery store.

He sat down on a nearby bench, still grateful to Thor for not making him come in. Unless he just wanted to find a place and then come back for Loki. The thought made his plan to turn into a bug appealing again.

Fortunately, that didn't turn out to be true. Thor appeared in the corridor, holding two rolls wrapped in plastic bags in his hand.

"For you" he said with a smile, giving Loki food.

When Loki nodded his thanks, Thor sat down next to him and began unpacking his meal. He laughed slightly, noticing a piece of salami between the buns "See? Your request for meat has been answered"

"Right" Loki muttered, somehow trying to share his brother's humour.

Even through the bag, he could smell the stench of the sandwich. And the thought of said slice of salami, so moist and way too warm, made him nauseous.

"You're not hungry?" Thor asked. Loki didn't notice that he was watching him warily, just as he didn't notice that Thor really had no interest in his own sandwich.

Loki moved in his seat, focusing all his strength on not to fidget. He swallowed once, then shook his head weakly "No, no. I only..."

Ignoring how his whole body shrieked at him, Loki took a bite out of his sandwich. He started chewing, trying to think of anything but the fact that he had food in his mouth. And if that was possible, Loki felt even worse than before. It didn't help that the wounds on his hands stung and throbbed dangerously. He did it again; showed what a failure he is.

Thor stared at him as he chewed, concern frowning imperceptibly. However, when Loki swallowed loudly, and that false tearful smile appeared on his face, Thor realized bitterly that he had been delaying talking for too long.

"Delicious" Loki gasped between breaths, looking only at the bitten bread.

He was about to take a second bite, but his brother's hand on his wrist stopped him. Loki felt relief wash over him; he didn't have to go through that torture again to prove something to himself and Thor. However, on the other hand, it meant Thor noticed something. And Loki really didn't want him to do so.

"Why are you lying to me?" Thor asked in a soft voice. Loki noticed that the grip on his wrist tightened.

He stared into Thor's blue as he weighed the words in his head, as if his life depended on it. Loki studied his scar, which looked like it needed to be washed. Loki wondered if Thor cared for it - probably not. Knowing him, he probably said it's fine and waved his hand dismissively.

Unexpectedly, he felt a surge of frustration; the urge to yell at his brother and the urge to attend to his wound once more.

"Loki?" Thor's voice summoned him.

He finally said, but his voice wasn't as sure as he wanted "I don't know what you're talking about"

"Stop it" Thor demanded, losing patience.

Loki couldn't find the strength to argue. It was too hot, he could already feel the dampness running down his spine - these were no conditions for arguing. And the fact that the nausea deepened inside him with each passing moment certainly wasn't helping.

"I... I have to go" he said, his voice more like muffled.

"Where? Where do you have to go, Loki?" Thor asked, not very friendly, holding his hand so that he wouldn't run away.

"Let go of me!" he urged, trying to yank his hand out of Thor's grip. He yelled and his own voice was too loud "Let go of me or I'll stab you!"

"First tell me where you're going!" Thor argued in response. He has always been stronger than Loki, but this time he could feel him bending under his touch, as if he was too weak to even think about taking up a fight.

"It's none of your business!" Loki spat. He knew stubborn Thor had no intention of letting him go, so he decided to use a move he had developed years ago and it never let him down "You're hurting me!"

And that's how Thor pulled away as if Loki had burned him. And he, taking the opportunity, jumped off the bench and started heading to his safe house.

"Loki..." Thor grunted in frustration. He didn't give up, so he started running after his brother.

And so began their chase.

Loki ran through the winding corridors, trying to lose Thor this way. However, no matter what door he entered through and no matter how many times he tried to block Thor's path with trashcans or benches, Thor was still somewhere behind him. It was like their childhood game of tag, but then Loki didn't feel like he was actually running away from some kind of threat.

"I know where you're going!" Thor revealed when they both found themselves in the stairwell.

Loki ran down the stairs, securing his fragile posture by holding on to the railing. Thor leaned through it and tightened his fingers on Loki's shoulder. Then he breathed out "You're going to purge"

The prince's eyes widened in horror. He stood frozen, not knowing what to do. Thor stepped closer, quite proud to have made it to his brother. He held him, believing that now he would never let him go.

Concern came into his voice as he asked "It's happening to you again, right?. Why didn't you tell me?"

Loki shook off the shock, an incredulous expression on his face "You're joking"

Thor didn't understand, so Loki explained, and as he did, his voice was breaking angrily "I think you had more important things to worry about"

"Loki-" Thor tried, but Loki cut him again.

"You'd better go to your friends, I'm sure your concern will be better appreciated by them"

And saying that, the stairs glowed in green light, and Thor no longer held Loki's arm.

"Loki!" he yelled, as if this action would make him come back.

It was bad. Very, very bad. He knew Loki shouldn't have teleported. Not in that condition.

Panic seethed in Thor as the image of Loki lying somewhere unconscious flashed through his mind. All because they couldn't talk before.

Thor clutched his head, trying to calm down his breathing. The Statesman was too big for him to search it alone. The realization made the scar on his face burn, and his shortness of breath made him dizzy. Loki was out there dying and he was completely useless, he-

"Thor?" he heard Val's voice somewhere above him. After a while, she appeared behind him, a few steps up and holding the railing. She looked completely surprised "What were you two running for?"

The relief he felt at that moment almost made him faint.

-

The first thing Loki felt was a fall.

Pain shot up his spine, spreading throughout his body, just like when he lost to the Midgard Beast. He whimpered miserably as he lay on the hard floor, feeling bruises start to appear on his back.

The second thing Loki felt was unbearable warmth. A heat that emanated from somewhere with such power that even the Prince's eyes sweated and his breathing was like breathing dry sand into his lungs. He immediately understood where he was:

Engine room

The place that was upstairs with Loki's "safe house". They were almost next to each other, but he never dared to go there. Of course, the heat and stuffiness repulsed him, but the claustrophobic nature of the room was just as terrifying. And all those steaming machines and rumbling engines. A real nightmare.

Loki tried to get up, grabbing onto everything around him. Which was very stupid, because he had no idea where in the engine room he was. He could put his hand on a hot pipe, and then the goddess of health herself would not help him.

Every muscle in his body protested as he pushed himself into a sitting position. Landing on the floor wasn't the only reason he felt like he'd been run over by a roller. He used seidr - the power of teleportation. The power, like a bomb, exploded inside him, nearly breaking every single one of his ribs, bones, and tearing tendons and muscles in addition.

Which, again, was very stupid for someone who was called "the best sorcerer in Asgard, surpassing even Mother Frigge in power."

Now the words taunted him, giggling as he had his mother's image in front of him, eyeing him with the same reproachful expression he had seen Eir wear minutes before.

Room temperature didn't help either.

Loki cursed because of that he hadn't bothered to find something more comfortable to wear before. Not even comfortable, but lighter. His old armor was suffocating him, and combined with the sweat running down his neck, he could compare it to literally stewing in a pot.

At least he got away from Thor. He realized it must have looked silly to third parties - King Thor chasing Prince Loki. It wasn't like a tag in a palace.

Because the palace was gone a month ago. And that life, much earlier.

Loki couldn't get up. He sat on the ground, one hand wiping the sweat from his eyes, the other wandering across the metal floor in search of any coolness.

He adjusted his grip on one of the crates, trying to pull himself up. Could not. He felt weak and his hand ached. He could only guess that the wounds had reopened, tearing them apart and preventing him from rising any further. He tried again and again.

Tears of frustration combined with sweat on his face, and it all hurt. The idea of staying on this floor was very encouraging. But he couldn't give up that easily; something kept his will to fight, he didn't know what, but something.

Finally, he was on his knees, panting and resting his forehead against the fabric of the box. His hair stuck to his face and neck, making the whole show even more amusing. As if someone actually was enjoying watching him try, only to get defeated by his own body.

But he wasn't surprised - he, too, was laughing at his own efforts. Just like now, when he realized that he felt too weak to even get to his feet. He felt his knees tremble and his shins felt like they were broken. Even his spine - broken in half. His fingers, his ribs, his skull; all fractured, cracked and crushed.

Loki closed his eyes, smiling maniacally. He wished he had stayed with Thor as much as he wished he had ever left Asgard. At least then he wouldn't feel like his skin was on fire.

But wasn't that the definition of his life? Bad decisions, suffering from their consequences. Round and round we go... just like Thor said on Sakaar back then.

You could be more

No, he couldn't. He was Loki: unchangeable, jealous of his older brother. The one that led to the Asgardian tragedy, the one that was the reason why it all collapsed.

The only way out of his situation was death.

Thor should have known that, because Loki knew it.

And yet, as the pleasant warmth began to make him drift slowly into dreamland, Loki allowed himself to recall Thor's words once more. To believe that maybe he was actually telling the truth and meant it sincerely. Or just to hear his soothing voice again, the one that always comforted him, even in the worst of situations.

Just like when he was there.

Was he there again?

Loki didn't feel the overwhelming panic at that thought. Just like he didn't feel it when his body left all its strength and decided to slide off the crate. Loki didn't hear the thud his body made when it hit the floor, just as he didn't feel the pain that splashed down the side of his head.

Mainly because he was already unconscious at the time.

-

Loki was feeling cold.

He remembered how cold it was in the void. It penetrated his bones and poured into his ears, nose and throat as if he were drowning in a black and forgotten lake. It changed his skin and left him alone with bleeding eyes, with only the company of distant stars and his own broken mind.

And just when he thought he was finally going to die and rest, he came.

He immediately felt a wave of pain flood his body. Suddenly, he was feeling too warm and he was suffocating; he couldn't breathe. The skin all over his body was sweating with heat, and he begged them to stop. But they never stopped, instead they laughed at his suffering, looking at him as some kind of comedy, as entertainment. They despised him, mocked him and humiliated him.

And then his mind cracked.

Loki jumped up, ignoring how every bone in his body protested the sudden movement. He had to run, he had to get out. But he couldn't. Something was holding him, someone was holding him, and he couldn't move. He knew it wouldn't be that easy; definitely not for a second time. They wouldn't let him do it again. He remembered that they had promised him that they would find him, find him everywhere, track him, because he was their property and there was no place in the galaxy where he could hide from them.

He wasn't going to cry because he knew he'd only be laughed at. Puny God that's what they'll call him. They will laugh, spit and kick. But the tears were still flowing down his cheeks; as if he had no control over them. Like he had no control over his body.

As always

"Please..." he begged, not even knowing who.

He could be humiliated, he could be ridiculed; he just wanted it to end. He wanted to go back to Asgard, he wanted to see Mother again and feel her fingers in his curls. He spoke, his voice cracking with sobs "I'll do anything, just please... leave me, I-"

He wanted to scream when he felt a hand on his forehead. A touch, almost delicately velvety, tender. They were never like that - they were brutal, not worried about leaving marks, bruises and irritations on the Prince's smooth skin. Loki froze in horror as a hand moved to his hair, as if to brush the wet strands away from his face.

It's not real he scolded his own self.

It was an illusion meant to make him feel safe. According to Loki, this was the worst torture. They all came to him, everyone, because they wanted to save their loved one. Odin himself appeared with his best army, Mother dressed in her long-forgotten armor, even Thor with Mjölnir in his hand and in the company of lightning.

"Thor..." he cried, burying his face in something too soft.

How much he would give to have his brother really be with him. He would give up his seidr, his position in the Royal Family, or just everything, just for Thor to take him away from this terrible place.

"I'm here" a voice answered him. Misty, just like the figure he was looking at through narrowed eyes. He repeated softly as Loki shook his head in denial "I'm here and I won't leave you"

"No, you're not. Stop it!" he sobbed weakly on the pillow. The voice continued to be telling something, but he couldn't hear it anymore. All he could focus on was the thought of when that gentle touch on his hair would turn into tugging and tearing his hair again.

"You're safe, Loki" Thor repeated again, softly, against his brother's ear. Only after a moment did he realize that he had already sailed away again. Thor couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not.

He watched his sibling, sitting next to him on the mattress. He didn't know what he expected, but it certainly wasn't that; he remembered that Loki had a tendency to have nightmares, especially in his youth, but those nightmares were nothing like what he had been experiencing for the past few hours. It was straight out of a horror movie, and Thor didn't know what to do.

Banner said his body temperature became too high, causing him to pass out. This happened to Loki once too, after their trip to Muspelheim. But that was years ago, and in Asgard to boot. They didn't have their medical equipment, they didn't even have a bit of seidr. So Thor was limited to wiping his brother's sweaty brow with a cloth dipped in ice water and giving him fluids, which he spit out anyway.

Thor had been under constant stress for the last few days; with a sore head and a dry mouth, worrying about everything and thinking about everything. And what happened to Loki now seemed to him to seal all these misfortunes.

"It's okay..." he assured once more, hoping Loki could hear him through his fragile sleep.

Thor sighed. He had no idea what he was supposed to do - with Loki and with this whole "Asgardian King" thing. He didn't know about it. Loki did it, and yet now that he was lying in the fever, being as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Thor wasn't either.

And it should have been. Loki had changed significantly since their first day as The Statesman - slimmer, much paler, he seemed to be somewhat shorter; as if he was slouching and sneaking. The skin on his lips was blood-scratched, and the circles under his eyes were almost black. Eir told him that Loki was overworking and not sleeping. Others said they had never seen him in the cafeteria. Thor should have known about it himself, not to find out from third parties.

He should have come to him a long time ago.

But even in that he failed.

"Your Highness" Valkyrie's hushed voice echoed in the bedroom.

"Brunhilde. I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in" Thor turned to his friend, his hand still stroking Loki's hair. He hoped the touch made him feel at least a little calmer. He doubted it though, seeing how Loki frowned in his sleep, as if he were in pain.

Valkyrie appeared a few steps ahead of Thor. She stared silently at the person on the bed. Thor saw her eyebrows twitch in concern, and after that, she asked "Is he okay?"

"He will be" Thor answered confidently, because that was what he believed with all his soul. His gaze returned to Loki, whose breath was choked by the remnants of crying. He wiped the remaining wetness from his cheeks while saying to Val "Thank you for finding him."

Banner said that if he had been lying on the floor for some minutes longer, his body would have overheated irreversibly.

"I owe you an unpayable debt of gratitude" Thor smiled weakly, meaning his words.

"Stop it" Val waved her hand. She folded her arms, leaning against the wall behind her "It would be a shame if our prince disappeared. Who would annoy us then?"

Thor chuckled "Right"

And yet, when he realized how close he was to his younger brother's death again, Thor lost all humor for jokes. He had him right under his nose and still almost lost him. Just like that time in Bifrost, just like that time in Svartalfheim... He couldn't let this happen a third time.

"We're landing on the planet soon" Valkyrie announced.

He knew what she was really asking, so he simply said, not taking his eyes off Loki "I'll stay with him."

She nodded in confirmation. Just as she was about to leave the bedroom, she called over her shoulder "Thor"

He looked up, and his face showed fatigue as well as incredible trouble, stress and suffering. The woman said with a slight smile "He'll be fine. I saw him on Sakaar. He's stronger than he looks."

"I know" Thor replied warmly.

Of course he knew it - it was Loki after all. The one who could keep an entire building from collapsing with his magic; the one who could cut down an entire army with a single dagger; the one who didn't seem to have any obstacles in his way.

Thor knew it all too well, and yet hearing it from someone else made his worries quiet down a little.

Val bowed and left, leaving the brothers alone. She had to find Bruce while also finding a place for both of them to sleep for the night. She suspected that once Loki woke up, the two of them would have a lot to work through and explain to each other. And she honestly hoped for it. Thor annoyed her enough by constantly talking about his sibling, yet not taking any measures to actually do anything to make things "just like before" between them. She was glad it was finally over.

Thor looked back at Loki.

He was much calmer. At least his features weren't strained anymore, and his breathing had evened out to normal sleep. Thor realized that it was the first time he had seen his brother sleep in years. A bittersweet feeling surged through his body as he noticed that he, while sleeping, still looked the same as before; young and innocent.

He couldn't help but lean into his frail posture just to place a gentle kiss on his temple.

"It'll be fine" he assured him softly.

And for the first time, he truly believed it.

-

Loki woke up just as he felt something move next to him.

Panic rose suddenly within him, already racing his heart and constricting his throat. But it disappeared as soon as he realized that what he was lying on was a bed, and what he had felt earlier was a dent in the mattress. So, someone sat down next to him.

He wasn't about to open his eyes yet. Not when the recent, still hazy memories began to gradually come back to his mind, making Loki feel a burning shame, remembering the chase he had had with his brother, the argument that had made him realize he wasn't as subtle as he thought he was. And, of course, the stupidest thing he did: teleport to the engine room. Of all places, engine room.

Completely embarrassing.

He knew it was Thor sitting next to him. Was it because he'd learned how to feel his brother's gaze fixed on him by now, or was it because they'd spent over 1,000 years together? Loki didn't know, but he was sure his older brother was there, waiting for him to kindly wake up.

Which only made Loki decide to fake sleep as long as he could. He was sure Thor would scold him for what had happened earlier, just as he was sure he would want to refer back to the previous conversation, the one Loki had interrupted with his obvious escape.

And he really didn't want it to continue.

He hoped Thor would come out sooner or later. Soon, in a moment; even to the toilet for a minute. And then he would take the opportunity to return to his hiding places. However, he thought, he would have to find a better place. The entire bottom floor fell off, as did the medical floor and his "closet". In this case, he was left with vents.

Loki knew it wasn't worthy of him, but he stated better than nothing.

Only now did he have to wait for his dear older brother to decide to leave him. But he could do it, he could wait - he had all the time in the world. He could pretend, lie, it was his thing, after all. He could do it, he-

"You don't have to pretend to be asleep"

Loki took a deep breath. His lungs still burned, and his windpipe felt as if it had been on fire. He opened his eyes, ignoring the sudden flash of pain. Everything hurt him. All he wanted was to go back to sleep, but when his eyes met Thor's, Loki knew it wasn't going to be that easy.

"How long was I sleeping?" he asked, giving up the will to fight.

"Long. All night and day" Thor replied, his voice dripping with fatigue.

Only now did Loki notice how exhausted his brother was. He wondered if he had looked like this before, but decided to ignore it. Unexpectedly, remorse stabbed him, realizing that a thought if is Thor really doing well? had never crossed his mind before.

Suddenly, he felt guilty.

He tried to fix his gaze on somewhere else; anywhere, but not to look at his brother's teary blue. Thor's bedroom was huge - well, nothing else you'd expect from the main chambers. Loki, even with the lamp in the corner as the only source of light, could still see two mattresses on the floor against the wall.

Valkyrie's and Bruce's.

Loki really wasn't jealous. Why would he be anyway? After all, Thor had invited him to share a room, and he had immediately refused. He could come back later, say he "changed his mind." And yet... and yet his heart still hurt.

He didn't want to think about it, so he made his eyes drop, realizing with fright that his armor had been removed from him. He was lying on the bed, only in his underwear, and because of the shame associated with this realization, he wanted to sink into himself even more. He wanted to cover up; his emaciated, almost frail body, as well as that ugly scar that had marred his chest and that he had managed to keep secret for so many years.

Thor saw Loki grab the blanket and cover himself with it, looking terribly flustered. He did not comment on this, instead revealing "You were talking in your sleep"

Loki felt himself tense at the words. His eyes were fixed on his fingers, he wanted to pick at the cuticles until they bled, bite them and scratch them, but the bandage on them prevented him from doing so.

So he knows that too he realized, feeling more and more nauseated.

"Was I?" he asked. He couldn't look at Thor, couldn't look at his room, couldn't look at himself. So he squeezed his eyes shut, and added, as Thor crooned in confirmation "What did I say?"

He hated that the silence stretched out between them, just as he hated that he felt the heat gradually scratching his eyes. Thor couldn't know about it - anything but that. He already had the title of "weak little brother" anyway.

He didn't want Thor to know that he really was like that. That he cried for his family every night, how he begged and trembled at the pain. How lonely he'd been, how he'd screamed and cried, hoping his pleas would be heard by Heimdall or anyone. About the fact that he believed to the end that someone would actually come to save him.

But that didn't happen. And no amount of talking to Thor could change that.

After long hours, the answer finally came "I want you to tell me yourself"

Loki smiled bitterly, shaking his head, his eyes still closed so tightly it hurt.

"Loki, please" he tried. Hesitantly, he touched Loki's fingertips, saying "We really need to talk."

"I have nothing to tell you" Loki hissed, withdrawing his hand as if the touch had burned him. He was staring at Thor now, and he knew that Thor certainly didn't like the challenge that glowed menacingly in his emerald green eyes.

They stared at each other for a long moment, watching each other as if preparing for a fight. But, miraculously, that didn't happen. Thor gave up, suddenly looking as if all life force had drained from him.

"Please..." he sighed heavily and hid his face in his hands. Loki almost didn't hear him as he muttered "I just want my brother back"

"What are you talking about?" he asked mockingly. He pushed himself to a sitting position and, not hiding the anger that suddenly appeared in him, reminded Thor "You're the one who ignored me. You forgot about me for a whole month! You threw me in that filthy basement and didn't even care!"

"No, that's not true" Thor shook his head.

Loki laughed, and the sound was evil and dark. His voice dropped dangerously as he asked "Then why didn't you come to me sooner, Thor? Or is this information too confidential for you to tell me?"

"Because..." Thor began, a blush suddenly appearing on his face. Loki frowned at that sight, having no idea what was coming. And when the answer came, he was sure he had just misheard "Because I was afraid"

"You were afraid?" Loki repeated, looking at his brother, convinced he was joking. He wanted to laugh, but couldn't because Thor looked completely serious. He still couldn't believe it "Then what were you afraid of? You, fearless God of Thunder. Defender of Midgard and the favorite of Asgard."

Thor ignored his teasing and blurted out "I was afraid you'd say you wanted to leave"

Loki blinked slowly.

"I..." Thor continued, and Loki watched in horror as he rubbed his last eye to keep the tears away. He finally said, his voice shaking with pain "I don't want you to leave me"

He stared down at the floor in front of him. He was scratching his hands, following his younger sibling's habit, the one he himself had complained about so many times. But he couldn't look into Loki's eyes; he wouldn't be able to bear the look of pity written on his face, or to see him fight back a laugher.

The silence stretched between them, and Loki realized he had to say something.

But the problem was, he didn't know what.

It was ironic - the whole situation. It was Loki out there, alone, worrying day and night that his big brother didn't want him, and now Thor had blown him off with that. Of course, he thought about leaving, at one point it was even a viable plan... but it wasn't like he was really going to leave it all.

Loki wouldn't admit it, but as he lay in his solitude, thinking about when Thor would come to him and finally kick him out, she made him cry.

He realized that then he would be too lonely.

His mouth alternately opened and closed as he tried "Thor, brother..."

But, when he felt again as if his mouth had been sewn tightly with golden thread, Thor revealed, his voice a mere murmur "I can't do it by myself"

This surprised Loki. He asked "What do you mean now? People say you're doing great"

Thor snorted humorlessly at these words. Now he was the one looking at his brother as if he had told a bad joke.

"I have no idea what I'm doing, Loki" he revealed, and Loki was surprised at his mischievous tone. Thor folded his arms over his chest and started talking "This whole month has been a disaster. Norny's sake... Everyone is asking me 'what's next?' and I don't know! I don't know! Lately I feel like I don't know anything anymore"

Loki was about to chime in, but Thor continued, now counting hastily on his fingers "I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm nervous all the time. And my back hurts and also that damn eye that isn't even there! I think about everything, all the time. You know I can't think about anything for so long!

"Thor..." Loki muttered, slightly amused by that outburst of his.

But he ignored him, concluding his argument with one statement: "I don't even think I'm fit for this whole 'being a king' "

Loki remembered the days before his brother's coronation; he remembered the drunken parties, lots of laughs and phrases like "what won't I do". He remembered how proud Thor had been of himself, how much he had looked forward to this special day - his day.

And he remembered himself too: the jealous little sibling, sabotaging his big brother's day.

He had once dreamed of Thor relinquishing his role as first to claim the throne, how many times had he seen it in his dreams; how many times had he heard his father's voice say Loki will be the rightful King of Asgard. Once he would have cheered and enjoyed looking so downcast Thor: so devastated, in pain, accepting his defeat.

He didn't feel that way now. He said reproachfully "Don't say that"

"Father said you would be King. He saw it in his visions," he added, more gently now, debating whether he should put his hand on Thor's shoulder. He knew he should have been angry with him instead of cheering him up - after all, Thor had "taken away his kingdom" and "thrown him off his throne".

And yet, he couldn't see him like this. This view was truly illegal. So Loki swallowed his pride and finally decided to make physical contact.

"Then father was wrong" Thor spat.

Loki sighed deeply.

He had a complicated relationship with his father. He hated him for so many things, but he knew he couldn't be wrong on that one topic. No matter how jealous, pissed or hurt he was, Thor was entitled to be the King of Asgard. Especially now that they had so many sorrows behind them.

"You'll be a good king, Thor," Loki tried.

"No. I won't" and Thor repeated, shaking his head. He looked at Loki and cried desperately "I can't do it alone, Loki. I can't."

Loki replied immediately, surprised at how easily the words slipped through his throat "You don't have to."

Thor looked at him in shock, wanting to sincerely believe that Loki was about to say those words that made his heart bleed so much just to hear them.

And Loki did it.

"I won't leave"

His place was with Thor. And Thor's with him. The Norny bound them together centuries ago. Loki only regretted that it took him so long to finally accept this fact.

Thor remained silent, so he kept assuring him, feeling a little shy "I know my words can't be trusted and my promises mean nothing, but this time I really mean it-"

He had barely finished his sentence when Thor was already holding him tight. One of his hands clasped around his thin shoulders, fingers buried in a sea of black curls. Loki could almost hear his brother's sunny smile as he cheered "I'm so glad!"

After the shock wore off and Loki realized what was happening, he allowed himself a moment of hesitation before returning his brother's hug. A weird feeling rose in his heart as he realized that it was the first time in over 10 years that he had held his brother so close.

And from how Thor nearly broke his back, Loki was sure he was thinking the same thing.

"It'll be wonderful, brother! I'm sure of it" Thor announced, bringing their foreheads together. A smile shone across his features, blinding the person in front of him. Loki couldn't help but reciprocate.

Thor spoke and Loki actually listened "We'll live in Midgard. We'll rule together! We'll be living together like in the palace! But only you and me... and it'll be great! You'll see!"

Loki nodded quickly at every word. He wanted to believe Thor; he wanted nothing more than to be that little boy again, who believed his big brother could do anything he said. That was all he really wanted, no matter how pathetic it sounded.

And as Thor talked about it like that, telling him his positive plans for their future, Loki caught himself that indeed a spark of hope began to ignite slowly in his heart.

"I only wish you had told me sooner" Loki revealed. He wanted to move away from Thor, but in fact, he realized after a while that it wasn't that uncomfortable. That's why they stayed close.

Thor stepped back an inch and said, looking somewhere above his brother again "Honestly... I meant to."

Loki raised his eyebrows, signaling him to continue "When I came to your room, I wanted to tell you about it. Same as about the council and about the meeting..."

"Then why didn't you?" Loki asked, an insult adding to his words.

Thor stared at him silently, and the slight smile he wore turned into a thin line. Loki felt his entire body freeze as his brother's gaze traveled down his exposed and starved chest to his bandaged hands.

He understood, looking away in complete embarrassment.

"We'll take care of that too" Thor told him, and Loki just nodded.

He felt Thor grip his hand very gently, his thumb stroking the fabric of the bandage that covered the knuckles of Loki's aching hand. Now he didn't flinch from that touch. If anything, he only realized how much he missed it and that now he would do whatever was required of him not to lose it again.

"From now on, we'll be fine, brother," Thor said, his voice quiet.

"I know" Loki replied, squeezing Thor's hand lightly.

Silence reigned in the room again. But it wasn't uncomfortable or awkward. It was calm - the type of calmness that Thor longed for so much, and one that Loki had needed so badly for so many years.

And when the brothers' eyes met once more, they both smiled slightly.

Because they were sure that as long as they were together, everything would truly be wonderful.