The Only One for Me is You

Cale finally signs with the Avs, but he's got a secret that no one can find out. He's working hard to befriend the team - especially Nate - but his secret is slowly killing him inside.

Notes:

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Prologue

Cale looks around the plane, trying to gather his thoughts after a whirlwind few weeks. The highs and lows have been a roller coaster: winning the Hobey Baker, losing in the Frozen Four, signing with the Avalanche and scoring his first ever NHL goal (assisted by Nathan freakin’ MacKinnon!), watching as his new captain pushed the Sharks series to game 7 with an OT winner off his assist - and then losing game 7, the lowest of possible lows. He didn’t think he felt as miserable about the loss as the rest of his teammates. Even though he obviously felt allegiance to his new team, it’s still all unfamiliar to him. He’s been more focused on adjusting to starting his NHL career in the middle of the playoffs, living out of a hotel room, worrying about missing college classes and assignments and his friends, trying to fit in with a group of guys he still feels a bit intimidated by.

He chances a glance over at Nate, seeing only a sweatshirt hood tugged roughly over his head, hiding his red, swollen eyes from the rest of the plane. Most of the other guys look the same, and Cale isn’t quite sure what to do with himself. He feels like an outsider, like he can’t fully share in this grief that everyone around him is experiencing.

Tyson Barrie suddenly throws himself into the open seat next to Nate, trying to cheer him up. Nate seems to rebuke the attempts, curling in on himself even further. Cale knows that Tyson is Nate’s favorite person on the team and he also knows his own presence on the roster means the Avs will probably have to trade Tyson away. Guilt overwhelms him again, and he turns away from the rest of the guys on the plane, choosing to stare out the window instead. At least San Jose is pretty close to Denver, so the flight won’t be much longer. He desperately yearns to be home, though he’s not quite sure where home is.

----------

As Cale steps out of his Uber, he notices the flowers in the garden outside of Matt’s house - well, his new home, he guesses. Hydrangeas, he thinks. His mom has those too, at his childhood home in Calgary. He thanks the driver again, shifts his backpack to a more comfortable position, grabs his suitcase, and walks up the driveway. Ringing the doorbell immediately instigates chaos: children yelling excitedly, a woman shouting at someone to get the door.

Matt answers the door with a small child in his arms and ushers Cale inside quickly.

“How was the flight? Were you able to find the house ok? I guess you were, because you’re here, that was a dumb question. Oh, you remember Beau and Kasey, right? Here, let me show you the basement, where you’ll be staying. I can help you bring all of your stuff down - do you only have the one suitcase?” Matt rushes to say. Cale nods, explaining that his gear got shipped down separately and he didn’t need much else. Matt raises an eyebrow but helps Cale bring his gear to his new basement bedroom.

“I’ll leave you to settle in, then. Courtney’s making lasagna for dinner, I hope that’s ok, it’ll be ready in a couple of hours,” Matt tells him.

“Sounds great, man. Thanks again for letting me live with you this season. Lasagna’s awesome, I’ll make sure I’m ready for dinner by then,” Cale acknowledges. Matt claps him on the shoulder once, then turns and leaves him to unpack. He sighs once, looking around at the empty room, then opens his suitcase and carefully puts all of his belongings away.

He reaches into his suitcase to remove the last few items and sees that he’s grabbed a framed picture - one he thought he threw away when he was leaving UMass last year. Cale sits on the bed, staring deeply at the photograph - him and his ex, heads thrown back in laughter as rain cascades down over them. His own blonde hair, soaked and sticking to his face; his ex’s brunette hair similarly a mess.

He remembers so clearly the day it was taken. He and Alex had been studying for hours in Cale’s dorm until three of Cale’s teammates burst through the door -

“Come on you two! Let’s go! You’ve been studying all day, we’re here to force you to come out with us tonight,” Mario had shouted. They reluctantly acquiesced, changing out of their sweats and following their friends to whatever party they had found. Suddenly, it started pouring, harder than Cale had ever remembered seeing. They all shouted and started laughing, realizing that they were instantly too soaked to actually go to any parties that night. They made the most of the 30 minutes of downpour, laughing and running through puddles. Alex had grabbed Cale’s arm to pull him close, the two of them giggling, and Mario had quickly snapped a photo.

Flashing back to the present, Cale sighs sadly, looking at the photo and remembering how much he misses Alex. It’s harder, knowing it’s his own fault that Alex isn’t his anymore. He’s struck by a sudden desire to call Alex, to apologize, to promise anything he could give if Alex would just take him back - but he knows that would be unfair and untrue. Alex had only asked one thing of him, and it wasn’t something he could give even in college, but especially not now that he was in the NHL - he knew he had to keep his sexuality a secret until well after he retired, or even beyond then. And Alex was tired of being his “dirty little secret” after over a year of dating. The resulting fight was ugly, but Cale knew that Alex was right: it wasn’t fair to either of them to keep Alex hidden forever, Alex deserved better than that. He angrily throws the framed photograph back into his suitcase and decides to take a short nap, hoping he’ll feel a bit more settled after.

Too soon, Cale’s woken up by the sound of Matt’s voice drifting down the stairs, letting him know that dinner will be ready in 15 minutes. He drags himself out of bed and washes off his face. He stares at himself for a long moment in the mirror, and reminds himself that no one in Colorado knows that he’s gay, he can keep it hidden for his NHL career, and everything is going to be fine. Feeling a bit better, he heads upstairs, ready to eat lasagna and hang out with his new teammate and family.

----------

Training camp is exhausting - there’s no other word for it. Cale works himself to the bone, knowing he has to prove himself so he’s not sent to Loveland to start the season. Everyone keeps telling him not to worry about being sent down, it’s not going to happen. He can’t help but be concerned, though, so he works as hard as he can to prove himself, and he’s delighted when Bednar and Sakic assure him he’ll be on the opening night roster. He can’t stop grinning as he walks into the locker room, and the other guys pick up on it right away.

“What’s with the face, Cale Juice?” EJ asks him immediately. “Did you make the roster, like EVERYONE in here has been telling you for the past month?”

“Shut up, EJ. Yes! I did,” Cale responds, still grinning. The boys all cheer for him, and he basks in the celebratory atmosphere of his new locker room.

“We’re going out tonight!” Tyson Jost shouts, Compher next to him nodding along.

“YES! Josty, best idea. Everyone’s coming, cancel your plans, we’re meeting at 7:30 for dinner, don’t be late, and then we’re going out after,” EJ shouts. Some of the guys roll their eyes but they all seem to be agreeing to EJ’s plan. Cale glances at Nate, who looks a bit grumpy. He’s not sure if that’s always how Nate is, or if it’s because of Barrie getting traded. He’s been trying to not pester him too much in case he’s mad at Cale about the trade, although it’s not like Cale had any control over that. Cale’s a bit surprised to watch as Nate breaks out into a huge smile and slings his arm around EJ, agreeing that a night out for team bonding sounds perfect. He’s not sure he’s really seen Nate look this relaxed or happy so far, and he can’t help but notice how blue his eyes look right now. He stops that thought immediately before it can turn into something, and goes back to getting ready to leave the rink for today with Matt. He can’t develop another crush on another teammate - no. He’s not doing this again. He can’t.

It had happened once before, when he was still in Brooks. Oliver was a couple years older and cute, an incredible forward, probably the best on the team. Drunk at a party after a win one night, Cale had tried to kiss him. Luckily, Oliver kindly and gently evaded him. The next morning, the team got breakfast together in varying states of hungover. Oliver cornered him after, hesitantly telling Cale that he doesn’t swing that way, and also maybe if Cale does then that’s something he should keep to himself if he wants to make it in the NHL. He ends with an awkward, “no one wants a fag on their team, you know?” and Cale just nods along, saying he must have gotten too drunk last night and he’s not like that. He had gone home and sobbed for the rest of the day; while he’d known his sexuality wouldn’t exactly be accepted by most of his teammates, he hadn’t quite had to face it head-on. It had been easy to ignore the homophobic comments, the people who would use “cocksucker” and “fag” as insults all the time, but hearing it actually directed at him because of who he was - it felt overwhelming. He vowed from that point on to never tell anyone or even act in a way where people could possibly guess who he was.

The Avs meet up for dinner, and Cale somehow ends up sitting next to Nate. He’s a bit nervous, but quickly relaxes when it seems like Nate just wants to chat about hockey with him. They’re animatedly discussing their power play - Cale’s been quarterbacking it in practice and he thinks it’s been going pretty well, but there’s always room for improvement - Nate’s detailing a specific pass he’d like to see Cale perfect, over to Mikko for a quick shot, when Gabe and EJ interrupt to yell at them.

“No hockey talk during team dinner! Team dinner is sacred,” Gabe halts their conversation. The guys sitting near them cheer at that, and Cale thinks he hears someone mutter about “hockey obsessed idiots” under their breath (was that Girard?). Nate rolls his eyes and shoves Gabe back, which turns into more pushing and shoving than is strictly appropriate for the restaurant they’re in. The rest of the guys start cheering and egging them on, and Cale just leans back in his seat, smiling and feeling a bit more like he’s part of this team. Denver could be his home for a while, he muses.

----------

Cale quickly falls into a routine. Practice, lunch with Nate, video review, then back to Calvy’s house to hang out with Kasey and Beau, eat dinner with Matt and Courtney, and collapse into bed. Gamedays were a bit different - morning skate, lunch with Nate, then a nap before heading to the Pepsi Center for a game. Lunch with Nate is a constant, even on the road. Nate seems to know great lunch places in every hockey city, with food that fits solidly within their diet plans. They mostly chat about hockey - plans for new set plays, ways they can improve slap shots. Nate has a lot to say about a penalty kill he’s not even part of, and Cale responds with his opinions on Nate’s faceoff skills.

Needless to say, when they get back from a road trip in late October and Nate asks if Cale would be willing to get to the practice rink early the next morning, he quickly agrees.

“I want you to help me with my edges. I don’t know how you skate the way you do, it’s insane,” Nate explains. Cale stares at him confused for a moment - out of the two of them, Nate is a much better skater.

“I’m happy to help, but I’m not sure I have much to show you. You’re way better than me,” Cale says slowly. Nate quickly shakes his head in disagreement.

“Nah, man, you work your edges like I’ve never seen before. I’ll show you what I mean tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at 5:30?” Cale agrees to the time, and rushes off to join Matt, who is impatiently waiting for him to leave.

The next morning, Nate shows up bright and early with two coffees - one for himself, and one for Cale with a splash of oat milk in it. Cale takes a sip and grins, pleased with the fact that Nate knows his coffee order. He catches Nate's eye - how are his eyes so blue? - and blushes, turning to face forward again. He needs to get a grip on himself. He’s had cute teammates before, but he’s always managed to avoid making things too weird, aside from the Oliver situation. You’re in the NHL now, he reminds himself. There’s no time for this. No one will accept this. Nate doesn’t want this. He takes a deep, steadying breath and another sip of coffee. Luckily, Nate isn’t a huge morning person so he’s pretty quiet for the drive.

Their early morning practice session goes well - so well that Nate asks if Cale would be willing to make it a more regular thing, a few times a week. Cale readily agrees, happy that one of the best players in the world wants to work so much with him. After full team practice ends and all of the guys are getting changed to leave the rink, EJ announces a mandatory team movie night at Nate’s house. Based on the look on Nate’s face, Cale thinks he wasn’t aware of this plan before. He seems pretty annoyed but he plays along, telling people to bring whatever they want to drink.

“Make sure to bring snacks, too, or else you’ll all be stuck eating dry kale chips or something,” Nieto adds. The rest of the team laughs at this, knowing Nate’s tendencies towards overly healthy food.

“Don’t worry, guys. I’ll order pizza for all of us when I get to Nate’s place. Real pizza. With actual cheese and gluten,” Gabe says to cheers from the other guys. Nate makes a disgusted face but doesn’t argue. Instead, he corners EJ and has a hushed conversation with him while the rest of the team is stuck arguing about what movie to watch. Josty is trying to make a case for Elf while JT is yelling about it being too far from Christmas because it’s only early December and trying to cover Josty’s mouth with his hand to shut him up; the rest of the guys are all screaming out their opinions. Cale tears his eyes off of Nate, wondering what he’s chatting with EJ about but recognizes that it seems like a private conversation. Deciding to add to the chaos, he loudly declares, “Elf is a great movie, I’m with Josty here,” knowing he’s going to cause additional ruckus. He lets himself get caught up in the raucous debates going on, and when he looks to find Nate again, he realizes Nate has already left. Luckily, Matt is still around to drive him home, and they leave the rink together.

Cale’s got a few hours until movie night, so he decides to take a quick nap. Exhausted, he begs off playing with the kids and heads down to his basement room instead. He undresses to his briefs and slides into bed feeling tense. Somehow, his mind drifts back to Alex, wondering what he’s doing - still at UMass, a junior now. He misses him pretty desperately, suddenly struck with the desire to call him. Cale knows he can’t do that, still - too unfair, his mind yells at him. It’s your own fault that you’re not part of his life anymore.

He stands up and goes to his suitcase, grabbing the framed photo. Sitting back down on the bed with it, he thinks back to how they first met.

It was Cale’s first week of college, and he was still trying to figure out how to balance classes, hockey, and living on his own for the first time. He was trying to get to the library after class to do some homework when he accidentally bumped into someone else, knocking some books from their hands. He had apologized profusely, trying to help the person pick up their books, and the guy had smoothly replied, “No problem, I never mind when cute guys run into me. I’m Alex.” Cale had blushed and introduced himself, and Alex asked if he wanted to get coffee. Cale quickly agreed, and the two of them spent hours that first day chatting, before Alex had walked Cale back to his dorm and kissed him goodnight. The two had previously exchanged numbers during coffee, and Cale nervously texted him a few hours later, asking if he would be interested in dinner the next night. He knew it was a bad idea, knew he had to stay closeted because of hockey, but he couldn’t ignore the instant chemistry.

Of course, Alex had agreed to dinner and the two began dating pretty quickly, becoming “official” after only a couple of weeks. Alex wasn’t thrilled about Cale being closeted, but seemed understanding when Cale described the rampant homophobia in the hockey world. Everyone knew that Alex and Cale were best friends, and despite a few close calls, Cale was able to keep his sexuality a secret from his teammates.

Cale sighed, wondering if he made a mistake somewhere along the line. Having to hide his true self for hockey seemed like an ok tradeoff at the time - he’s an actual NHL player now, having a good start to his first real season - but he desperately misses Alex. He feels a bit lonely overall. He sees the way Matt and Courtney are, and Gabe and Mel, amongst others, and he wants that kind of connection with someone. He misses when he had that connection with Alex - when he had a person who cared deeply about all the little things happening in his life, who shared in his joy and comforted him in his sadness.

Putting the picture down, Cale settles back in his bed to try to sleep, but his racing thoughts won’t let him settle down. He can’t stop thinking about Alex. He closes his eyes, suddenly remembering the first time they’d had sex. Cale had been so nervous, but Alex had calmed him down and made the experience magical. He had taken his time, slowly opening Cale up, until Cale was begging for more. He feels himself getting hard, and figures that maybe jerking off might relax him enough to fall asleep.

He quickly shoves his underwear down, getting a hand on himself, moving slowly as he becomes fully hard. He switches his thoughts from his first time with Alex to the time at the end of their freshman year - one of his favorites - when Alex had fingered him for what felt like hours until he was almost crying in desperation to come. He keeps jerking off, getting closer to the edge, remembering how good the stretch of Alex’s fingers were inside him, the way he so precisely nailed Cale’s prostate with every movement, the way his eyes are so blue and his blond hair and how he’s grumpy most of the time but when he smiles it’s Cale’s favorite thing and oh fuck he’s thinking about Nate but he can’t stop, it feels too good, and suddenly he’s coming, spurting come all over his hand and stomach, Nate’s name on his lips. He grabs a tissue from the nightstand, cleans himself up, tosses the tissue off the bed to deal with later, and rolls over. Head buried in his pillow, he knows he is so fucked.

----------

Nate and Cale’s friendship continues to deepen over the course of the season. Daily early practices and lunch become movie nights and video games at Nate’s place a few times a week as well. Nate’s condo starts feeling more like home than Calvy’s place does. Their closeness is certainly not helping to lessen Cale’s crush on Nate. The more he gets to know Nate, the more there is to fall for. He’s not just the hockey-obsessed robot everyone likes to make him out to be; he’s funny, overly helpful almost to a fault, incredibly lazy outside of the rink in a somehow attractive way, exceedingly fond of animals - especially dogs - and small children. He’ll stop along a walk to pet every dog he sees, to sign MacKinnon jerseys nervously presented by tiny children, to help an elderly woman reach something off a high shelf in the grocery store.

One of the things Cale loves about their friendship is that Nate never pressures him about why he doesn’t pick up when the team goes out after games. Actually, come to think of it, Cale’s not sure he’s seen Nate pick up at any of the bars they’ve been to either. The rest of the team loves to mock baby-faced Cale for striking out with women every time they go out, but obviously he’s trying to make sure none of them want to go home with him. He only talks to some of them to keep up appearances - hopefully they think that he’s straight, that he’s trying to pick up, but he’s bad at it.

Graves corners him after practice one day in February, trying to fix his whole ‘being single’ situation. “Hey Cale, my girlfriend’s friend is single and I think you two would be a great match. She’s a college student at DU, super smart, really cute - when are you free for a double date?” Cale blushes and stutters through a few excuses about not wanting to date someone when he doesn’t even have a real place to live, and EJ rolls his eyes, “Cale Juice, come on, Gravesy is trying to help you get your dick wet, just go on the date and maybe your bad luck with the ladies will turn.” Cale turns even more red at that, and can’t think of a way to get out of it, so he agrees, figuring he’ll just tell his teammates that he didn’t feel a connection or something. He glances over to Nate, who looks just as grumpy and irritable as usual, and continues getting changed.

The actual date isn’t a complete disaster. Emily’s actually really great - he thinks that they could be friends, if the circumstances were different. She’s a physics major and is hoping to go to graduate school in a couple of years; Ryan wasn’t lying about how smart she is. Cale thinks about how nice it would be if he could be attracted to her - her long, wavy brown hair, her red lips, her soft body. Maybe the two of them could date for a few years, get married, have children, win the cup and have her on the ice with him after - he stops himself before he can get carried away. He’s well past the point of wishing he was straight, it was a long struggle to accept himself in his early teens and he doesn’t want to regress now. He kisses her on the cheek at the end of the night and thanks her for a good time; he sees Ryan giving him a bit of a weird look, but he ignores him.

The next day, the whole team seems to be eagerly awaiting him and Ryan in the locker room, all wondering how the date went. Cale explains that Emily was nice but he didn’t really want anything right now, and maybe she isn’t the best fit anyway, and everyone groans and rolls their eyes. He spots Nate grinning down at his skates though - maybe he wasn’t paying attention to Ryan’s detailed account of how the double date went, focused on something else instead.

When they get on the ice, Nate skates over to him. “Hey, man. Can you feed me pucks so I can practice my wrister?” he asks. Cale quickly agrees and the two of them settle into one of their usual routines, Cale feeding Nate pucks until he’s satisfied and then the two of them switch so Cale can practice his one-timer for a bit. They grin at each other after finishing, exhausted but happy to have improved their shots a bit, and Nate asks if Cale wants to go to some lunch place that just had its grand opening. “They’ve got these great salads there, and protein shakes too. I’ve been wanting to try this one salad they’ve got, it’s arugula and sweet potatoes…” Nate trails off as Gabe sidles over to see what they’re chatting about. Gabe invites himself along to lunch with the two of them, Nate looking slightly irritated with him for some reason, and they make plans for Gabe to drive Cale and Nate to follow in his car.

The three of them chat over lunch - Nate was right, the salads here are amazing - and when it comes time to leave, Gabe offers to drive Cale home. When they get in his car, Gabe immediately apologizes, “I feel like I haven’t been a great captain to you so far, Nate and Calvy have kind of taken that over, but if there’s anything I can do to support your transition into the NHL, please let me know!” Cale reassures him that he’s been fine, Gabe is an excellent captain, he doesn’t feel abandoned or anything. Gabe still looks a bit unsure, so Cale asks him about how Linnea is doing. Gabe’s easily distracted, telling Cale about all of the milestones she’s accomplishing and how much he loves being a father even though it’s also draining.

They’re only a couple minutes from Calvy’s house when Gabe says, “so you and Nate have gotten pretty close, eh?” Cale’s not sure how to respond, saying, “Yeah, we get lunch most days and we do some early practices together, and sometimes he’ll have me over for video games too. He’s a great player but also a pretty good friend at this point. After Matt, he’s probably the guy on the team I’m closest to. He really helps me challenge myself to be a better player and person.” Cale cringes a bit as he finishes his monologue, realizing that it’s a bit weird, but Gabe doesn’t seem fazed, just says, “I’m happy you found someone on the team to be close with. It’s good for him too - he didn’t handle Tyson’s trade too well, but you seem to have helped with that.”

Cale blushes, then realizes they’ve luckily pulled up in front of Matt’s house, so he thanks Gabe for the ride and rushes off before he can embarrass himself further. Hopefully, Gabe doesn’t realize that he has a crush - well, none of the guys on the team would suspect that, straight men never do somehow.

----------

The rest of the season continues much the same. Cale becomes closer friends with Nate, which surprises him a bit. The two of them are constantly together, between practices, lunches, hanging out at Nate’s place, and random late night drives to vent about life. He’s shocked one night when Nate tells him he doesn’t think that this year is the year for the Avs - he doesn’t think they have it in them. “We’re missing something. I’m not sure what, but this is just not the team that’s going to do it,” he says, sadly shaking his head. “But I also know that the two of us will do it together - soon. Just, not this year.”

Cale wishes he could be as certain as Nate about the cup being in their futures. Together. That sounds nice.

A few weeks later, Nate’s prediction comes true: the Avs lose game 7 to the Stars. Fucking Kiviranta, he thinks. No one could have seen that coming. His head hangs as he stands stunned on the ice, feeling like it was his fault. He flashes back to last season, remembering the long plane ride home from San Jose when he still felt like an outsider. So much had changed over just one year, and the grief of the loss strikes him harder than he could have imagined. Part of him preferred last year, looking at the misery of his teammates as more of an outsider, without letting it consume him this much; the other part of him knows that the agony of losing in the playoffs with a team that’s actually his is part of the journey towards winning the Cup, that it won’t be as meaningful without these heartbreaking losses.

Back in the locker room after the handshake line, he sits in his stall, not moving. A few tears escape, rolling down his cheeks. He can’t help but feel like this was all his fault - if he had just been better, not left their goalie out to dry (poor Hutchinson), scored a goal, anything. He feels someone sit down next to him, but he’s too focused on staring at the ground to pick up his head and figure out which of his teammates it is. Whoever it is puts their arms around his shoulder, tugging him in for a brief hug. “It’s going to be ok, Cale. I told you a few weeks ago, this was never going to be our year. Next year, or maybe the year after - I promise. Soon. We can do it.” It’s Nate, then. Cale chances a glance at him, sees his eyes are red and puffy, mirroring Cale’s.

“It feels so shitty. I wasn’t ready for this. I knew it could happen but I didn’t prepare myself. It really sucks. Last year, I wasn’t as invested. Not that I didn’t want the team to win or something, but I only joined in the middle of playoffs and it was kind of a whirlwind. But this - this is miserable. I don’t even know what to do with myself right now,” Cale responds.

“Well, right now is easy. You take off your gear, you shower, you go home and sleep, and tomorrow you start trying to find an actual place to live because I don’t think you want to be locked in Calvy’s basement forever. Then, in a month you go to the awards and win your Calder. After that - well, I’m assuming you want to go to Calgary for a bit to see your parents and brother, but you’re always welcome to hang out in Nova Scotia for a bit, train with me, Sid, Marchy,” Nate instructs him. Cale doesn’t know how to react - training with Sidney Crosby would be a dream come true. He finally realizes he has to say something, so replies, “yeah, man, that would be great. Let me know when would be a good time to visit. Wait, do you actually think I’m going to win the Calder?!” Nate rolls his eyes, cuffs his shoulder, and walks away.

Cale starts stripping out of his gear. Next year, he thinks. Or maybe the year after. Soon.

The offseason is kind of nice, once he’s used to the break in his routine. He finds a place to live - in Nate’s building, there was an opening and he already knows he likes the place, and it’ll be easier for the two of them to carpool for early morning practices, so why not? He moves his stuff over from Calvy’s basement, feeling more emotional than he thought he would about saying goodbye to Matt, Courtney, and the kids. He furnishes the place over the next few weeks, but it never quite feels right. He keeps feeling like something is missing, but he’s not sure what. He ends up calling Nate one night to catch up on their summers a bit and he mentions the off feeling he has about his new condo.

Nate laughs, tells him to give it time. “It took a while for me to be comfortable on my own. It’s too quiet sometimes. And, as much as I love Denver and the team, Nova Scotia is always going to be home for me, you know? My Denver condo is just kind of - the place I live for my job. You’ll get used to it.”

Finally, in June, Cale flies up to Calgary to see his family. Hanging out with his parents and Taylor is always great. They hike a bunch and he and Taylor work out a ton on top of that, trying to get in better shape for next season. Taylor’s hoping to go to UMass at some point, so they chat about his time playing with the Minutemen. With every interaction he has with his brother and parents, Cale is struck by a feeling that he is just a visitor in Calgary. His mom mentions a party that his neighbors have planned for the fall, for after he’ll be back in Denver, and his transience in Calgary feels apparent. His brother talks about plans to go back to Brooks for one last season, and Cale thinks about how he won’t be here to see him off. Unsettled, he shrugs it off, knowing that his life is full of difficult transitions right now and that he’ll figure things out soon.

He talks to Nate most days - constant texting of workout plans, diet plans, ideas they had for plays, thoughts about trades around the league, but also things not related to hockey. Pictures of Nate’s dogs, him fishing with Sid, a sunset on a dock. Cale responds with similar photos, his arm slung around his brother’s shoulders at the top of a peak they climbed, a simple breakfast he had cooked himself, his neighbor’s cat looking majestic near some flower bushes. Finally, one day in mid-July, Nate asks when Cale’s coming to visit. After some back-and-forth, Cale books a one-way flight for later that week; he’s not sure when he’d want to come back to Calgary, so it’s easier to leave it open-ended.

Offseason training with Nate and Sid is intense. There’s no other word for it. Marchy takes one look at the grimace on Cale’s face after the first day and bursts into laughter, knowing exactly how he feels. Nate and Sid are already ridiculously competitive, but when they’re together it’s on another level. Sid is constantly coming up with new challenges to best Nate in, and Nate gets frustrated. Most of the time, it ends up with the two of them shouting at each other or wrestling. “It’s better to just stay out of it when they get like this,” Marchy informs Cale. “They’re being ridiculous, most days aren’t this insane. I’ll make them take tomorrow off, we can go fishing or something.”

“That sounds great. This is… a lot,” Cale replies. Finally, they head back to Nate’s place for showers and then hang out in the backyard with some beers. Their friendship picked up right where they left it off at the end of the season, easy chatting and lots of laughter. “I’m glad you came here. It felt weird not having you around,” Nate grins at Cale. Cale agrees, reminding him that they live in the same building now so Nate’s stuck with him. They watch and the sun sets slowly, dipping beyond the horizon and allowing the stars to show themselves. He takes a sip of his beer, happy to have agreed to come to Nova Scotia for a few weeks.

He loves seeing Nate here, so much more relaxed than he is during the season. He’s comfortable in Nova Scotia in a way that he’s not in Denver; Cale’s not sure he can put his finger on it, exactly, but there’s a sense of peace and calm surrounding Nate that’s not normally there. He thinks back to the conversation they had about Cale’s condo, when Nate told him Denver wasn’t really his home. Cale thinks he understands better now, but he’s still hesitant - Calgary didn’t feel like home for him, but Denver still doesn’t either. Taking another sip of beer, he puts it out of his mind for now, happy to relax in the warm summer air with one of his best friends.

----------

Landing at DIA is a different experience this year. He has his own place to go to, he’s not quite as worried about not making the team (he did win the Calder, and nothing’s guaranteed obviously but he doesn’t really think Joe and Bedsy would send him down to the AHL now). He knows the team pretty well, despite some new faces present and some familiar faces missing. He and Nate pick right back up where they left off, morning skates and all.

One evening, about halfway through training camp, Cale’s struck with a sense of loneliness while sitting on his balcony. He’s got so many friends, but his apartment is so empty. He misses the constant noise and babble of children, Matt and Courtney trying to take care of them. He and Nate are over each other’s places all the time, but Nate had begged off tonight, letting Cale know that he had other plans. Cale spends more time than he should wondering about those plans - Nate had been vague enough that he’s worried Nate’s on a date. Not that he should worry about that. Nate should go on dates. He’s obviously attractive, young, single. He should have the perfect hockey girlfriend, someone to wear his number in rhinestones on a denim jacket at games or whatever the women are planning this year.

He sighs, gets up, moves inside. Bored and lonely is never a good combination. Maybe he should go for an evening run or something, he muses. Though with their planned departure for the rink at 5:30 am, that’s probably not the best idea. He flops down in his bed, glances over at the picture on his nightstand. It’s weird of him to still have it, he thinks. But it reminds him of a time when he was so happy, when he had a person, when home was laying in a dorm room with his boyfriend, laughing at something silly Alex had said. He wasn’t quite ready to get rid of it yet.

He’s only 21, almost 22, at this point, so he’s looking at what - 15, 18 more years of this? Of coming back to an empty apartment every night, pining over his ridiculously hot teammate, people questioning why he hasn’t yet gotten married or had kids. He wonders how Sid deals with it - well, people just assume Sid is married to hockey, so they probably don’t ask him anymore. Not for the first time, he wonders if he made the right choice. The crushing loneliness feels stifling at times and to think it will be almost two more decades before it’s safe for him to even date is depressing.

He’s considering going to sleep even though it’s only like, 8pm, when he hears a knock on the door. Rushing over, he sees Nate through the peephole. He quickly opens the door, and Nate looks miserable. He’s wearing a button-down shirt and slacks, but his hair is messy like it only gets when he’s anxious and runs his hands through it repeatedly. He looks like he may have been crying. “Come in, are you ok? What happened?” Cale rushes to ask.

“I don’t really want to talk about it. Can we just, like, play something or watch something?” Nate asks, sadly. “Yeah, of course. Let me grab you some sweats to change into so you don’t have to go up to your place, then we can keep watching the office if you want?” Cale replies. Nate nods and heads over to the couch, collapsing on it in a heap. Cale forces him to get changed, then goes to his fridge. Oat milk and some fancy dairy-free chocolate from the farmer’s market - perfect. He heats the milk slowly, melts the chocolate into it, and pours it into two mugs. “I know it’s sugar, but you seemed like you needed this tonight,” he says as he hands Nate one of the hot chocolates. Nate stares at him blankly for a second, then relaxes and takes a sip of the drink. “This is perfect, Cale. Thank you,” he says quietly.

The two men watch TV for a few hours, before Nate heads back to his apartment for the night. The next day, it’s almost like nothing happened. They head to the rink at their usual time, Nate as nonverbal as he always is this early. Right before team practice, Nate pulls Cale aside. “Thanks for last night - just, I was on a bad date and didn’t want to be alone after,” Nate tells him. “No worries, man. You know you’re welcome to come over whenever,” Cale responds. “Its not like I was doing anything - honestly, I was just laying in bed contemplating going to sleep at 8pm when you stopped by, so. It’s fine. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, for sure, just not looking for a repeat experience on that one. Dating is literally the worst. I should never have listened to EJ, being single is fine. The person he set me up with seemed like they were only interested in my money,” Nate continues, rolling his eyes.

“Well, you’re never going to hear an argument from me on that one. Dating is definitely the worst,” Cale says, not entirely truthful. Well, he’s heard that dating sucks, but he’s only ever had the one boyfriend and he’s never tried the whole dating thing, really. Nate grins at him, and Cale blushes immediately. Person, he thinks. They, he thinks. Nate didn’t say girl, or she. He’s definitely overthinking this.

The season starts pretty well, a few wins, and Cale feels settled into his usual routine. Which involves a lot of time with Nate. He falls for his teammate even more. One night, after a great win involving a particularly nasty goal from Nate, he lays in his bed, too keyed up to sleep.

He’s half hard, still thinking about the moves Nate put on the other team’s defensemen, cutting through them like they didn’t even exist, and he couldn’t help but start touching himself, making himself fully erect. Groaning slightly, he speeds up, collecting the precome forming at the tip of his dick to make the slide easier. He imagines Nate getting on his knees for Cale, he would look so good like that, fuck. Taking his dick so deep, choking on it slightly. His bright blue eyes staring directly into Cale’s. “Oh, fuck,” Cale sighs. The image is overwhelming him, and he speeds his hand further. “Fuck, I’m so close, Nate. I’m gonna come, please Nate, fuck. Nate,” he pleads, the image in his mind even clearer. He imagines coming all over Nate’s face, coating his lips and tongue, and that does him in as he spurts all over his hand, groaning Nate’s name. He wipes himself off quickly and falls asleep, faster than he has in a while, exhausted by the game and his orgasm. He’s too tired to feel guilty about jerking off to his teammate - that will come in the morning.

----------

A week before the Christmas party, Gabe makes an announcement in the locker room. “Listen up, assholes! Nate has something he wants to share with you all, players only, everything he says stays in the locker room and if anyone has a problem with it, you can fuck right off to Loveland.” The room quiets down immediately, Gabe seems serious in a way he almost never is. Cale is kind of confused about the suddenness of this announcement - he thought he and Nate were close enough that maybe it would be something he mentioned to Cale.

Nate stands at the center of the room, looking around nervously, avoiding eye contact with everyone. “I’ve thought a lot about telling you all this. The only people who know right now are Gabe, EJ, Brutes, Sid, and my parents. But I thought - well, it’s 2020, right? And I’m kind of over keeping secrets. But I also want to tell people on my own time, so I’d really appreciate it if no one said anything to anyone outside of the room, even your wives and stuff. So, um, yeah now is the part where I tell you the actual secret,” Nate took a deep breath, centering himself, looking at Gabe who tried to give him a sort of encouraging smile. “I’m gay,” he finally says.

The locker room is dead silent for a moment before erupting - most of the team are trying to hug Nate simultaneously, which he looks annoyed and happy about at the same time. Josty is yelling, “we all love you!” while JT is nodding vigorously in agreement, Sammy is muttering about beating up anyone who says anything homophobic, and Burky is chattering about all of the gay people he knows from his time with the Capitals and how he can set Nate up with all of his gay friends and they’d be a perfect match.

Cale is frozen in his stall, panicking. Nathan MacKinnon is gay. Holy shit. Another NHL player. One of the best NHL players, he corrects himself. Gay. Just like him. He suddenly can’t breathe - what if the other guys think that he’s gay because he hangs out with Nate so much? What if they think the two of them are dating? He can’t let anyone find out. This is his biggest secret and he can’t - he’s worked so hard for the past decade, more, to be the best hockey player, to keep this hidden. He can’t breathe. He needs to get out of this room, he needs to not be here. He quickly finishes getting dressed, trying not to glance over at Nate where most of the team is still mobbing him. He tries not to notice the hurt look on Nate’s face as Cale rushes out of the room. Breathe, he reminds himself. Breathe, and get home, and everything will be ok. No one can suspect. No one can know.

A few hours later, Cale is still curled up in a ball on his bed, feeling awful, when Gabe calls him. “You ok, bud?” he asks quietly, “You sort of ran out of the locker room earlier.” Cale makes an excuse about coming down with something, maybe the flu. Gabe sounds hesitant, but seems to accept his excuse. Cale is still shaky later that night when he notices a text from Nate, asking if he’s still on for early practice tomorrow. Cale sends a quick reply that he is sick, maybe the flu, so he won’t be able to do their usual early morning. Nate sends him a sad face, and Cale sees the three dots indicating he’s typing something else. But the three dots disappear and no new message arrives. Cale burrows deeper under his covers, hoping to hide himself further, knowing deep down that the blankets won’t hide him from himself.

The next morning, he texts Gabe and Bedsy that he’s sick and won’t make practice. Maybe it’s the flu, he says. He feels awful. Cale spends the rest of the day in bed. He ignores the message from Nate asking if he’s feeling ok and if he needs anything and falls into an unrestful sleep.

The sound of the alarm frightens Cale for a moment before he realizes what it is. He usually doesn’t sleep so late that the alarm wakes him, but he was having a weird dream. He doesn’t know what it was about, really, but he knows Alex was there and it makes him miss Alex desperately, hand reaching out to the empty bed space beside him. He wishes he could call his ex; Alex always gave the best advice in tough situations. He would know how to handle going back to the locker room with Nate. He would know how to handle Cale’s fear of being outed. Well - he would probably just say that if Nate could do it, so can Cale. He silences that thought quickly, knowing it’s not true. You’re not Nathan MacKinnon, he reminds himself. Nowhere near as good. No one will accept something like this from you - from a nobody in the NHL.

Cale sighs and gets out of bed. He can’t skip morning skate today, or he’ll be scratched tonight. His parents have already called him, worried about the reports of him missing practice. Maintenance day, he had texted them. Nothing to worry about. He drags himself to the shower, scrubbing off his insecurities as best he can, before heading to his car for morning skate - usually he goes with Nate, but it’s late enough that Nate is almost certainly there already. He practices his slow, steady breathing as best he can.

Cale changes quickly, trying to avoid the usual locker room banter as much as he can. As he’s pulling on his practice jersey, he notices Nate approaching. “You feeling better?” Nate inquires. “Gabe said you looked pretty rough after practice a couple days ago and that maybe you have the flu.”

“Yeah, better, definitely,” Cale brushes him off and scrambles out to the ice to escape. He definitely doesn’t miss the hurt and disappointment written plainly on Nate’s face this time. He feels a bit guilty, but reminds himself he needs to be careful, needs to make sure no one finds out about him. Nate’s hurt feelings - well, he can live with losing a friend as long as no one figures out he’s gay. Wincing slightly at that, he decides he doesn’t want to think too much about that tradeoff; maybe he can lay low for a couple of weeks before re-engaging their friendship. All of the hubbub about Nate’s confession should have died down by then anyway. He’d make up some excuse to Nate, maybe say some family issues were distracting him, and the two of them would be fine. He just needed to make it a couple of weeks - after New Year’s, he reasons, no one will be hyperfocused on Nate by then.

The other guys spill out onto the ice for morning skate, dispersing in groups to practice particular plays as Bednar directs them gently. Cale decides he wants to get a few pointers about physicality before playing the Devils - they’ve got a few bigger forwards like Blackwood and Bastian who can be hard to contain at times - so he skates over to EJ to ask for help. EJ’s been pretty helpful with stuff like that, working with Cale to improve his hits. He wants to be able to silence all the naysayers talking about how his size doesn’t make sense for a defenseman.

“Hey EJ, can you work with me for a bit on hits?” Cale asks the other defenseman. EJ stares at him coldly for a few seconds before abruptly replying, “No. Find someone else to help you,” and quickly skating away, leaving Cale in a bit of shock. He’d never seen EJ like that before. Maybe he’s just having a bad day. Cale starts to panic - maybe he’s figured out about you, and he hates you, and he thinks you’re disgusting and wants you off the team. He takes a long breath and reminds himself that EJ was one of the people that Nate listed as someone who knew before the team announcement, so it seems unlikely that EJ hates gay people. Probably. He takes a deep breath and turns to find Gravy, hoping that Ryan will at least take pity on him and help out with hits.

The game goes ok that night, with an Avs win. Afterwards, the guys are chatting about going out. Cale tries to duck out, but Josty stops him, insisting that he come celebrate with everyone. Cale agrees, figuring he’ll slip out unnoticed after a drink or two. He rides along with JT and Josty to the bar that everyone picked out, listening as they bicker about music.

When they get to the bar, Nikita hands them beers and motions to where the team is sitting. Cale notices that Nate is sitting with his shoulders slumped, talking quietly with EJ and Gabe. He feels a wave of guilt before remembering that Nate’s probably not upset at him, it’s just stress about coming out and the game. Cale turns to where Josty and JT have settled themselves, and quickly instigates an argument between them - “which of the two of you do you think is better at the whole adult thing now that Kerfy is gone?” Cale is an expert at setting the two of them off at each other so that he can just sit quietly and occasionally prod them further as they argue about who cooks and who hired someone to clean their house and how JT mowed the lawn twice last summer so obviously he’s the only real adult here.

He finishes his beer and is about to make excuses to slip out when JT asks, “why are you hanging out with the two of us? Your bestie looks sad over there with EJ and Gabe, go cheer him up!” Josty agrees, chiming in that Nate’s seemed off ever since the big announcement. Cale freezes, not sure of the best way to handle this without the two of them getting suspicious. “Oh, uh, it looks like Gabe and EJ have him handled. I don’t want to overwhelm him. I think I’m gonna head out actually.”

Tyson and JT exchange a look, then turn back to Cale. The three men are silent for a moment, before JT says, “Right. Well. See you tomorrow.” Was Cale imagining the frosty tone? Or the way that Josty wouldn’t quite meet his eyes? He shoves the thoughts away and sneaks out of the bar, hoping none of his other teammates spot him.

His Uber driver had recognized him, somehow, which was so frustrating because the guy wouldn’t take the hint that Cale wasn’t in the mood to chat. After finally agreeing to sign a scrap of paper for him, Cale trudges into his bedroom. He collapses facedown, fully clothed onto his bed. Hugging his pillow to his chest, he begins to cry. Quickly, it turns into full-on sobbing, tears streaming down his face, breath coming in short gasps. The last time he cried like this was when Alex broke his heart. Or when he broke Alex’s heart. He’s not sure which way it happened anymore. Maybe they broke each other’s hearts. Everything feels too big to keep inside. It hasn’t even been two years in the NHL and already he’s falling apart, desperate to make sure that no one finds out but also feeling like he needs someone to know.

Without thinking about how bad an idea it is, he grabs his phone and hits the call button on Alex’s contact. Alex is the only one who ever knew the truth, and he doesn’t know who else to turn to.

“Cale? Are you ok? It’s 3AM. What’s going on?” Alex says, slurring his words a bit with drowsiness. Cale can barely form words, sobbing into the phone, trying to explain to Alex what was happening but he couldn’t figure out how.

“Cale, buddy, come on, deep breaths, it’s gonna be ok. I know the Avs won tonight, and I also know you’ve been kicking ass at hockey this season and last, so what’s going on?”

Cale takes a few breaths and tries to calm himself down. Shakily, he asks, “How did you know we won? And how do you know how I’ve been doing?”

Alex giggles a bit and responds, “Come on, Cale. We might not be talking anymore, but I still care about you. I still watch most Avs games. Reminds me of when we watched together, and laughed about how crazy it was that one day you’d be there. I guess you turned me into a real fan or something.”

Still crying, Cale apologizes, “I shouldn’t have called you this late. Or at all, I guess. I’m sorry. I just - I don’t know. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life running from myself and no one except you knows who I really am now. And I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m so tired of hiding but I’m so scared of people knowing. I’m worried I’m going to fuck up everything and end up ruining my entire career or something.”

“Don’t be silly,” Alex replies quickly. “You can tell people, if you want, without coming out publicly. Like, you can tell your parents, or Taylor, or Mario. You know all of them would be on your side, they’d support you, and they’d keep your secret. There’s a difference between announcing it publicly and telling the people you’re close to.”

“I know,” Cale says, “but I just feel so alone right now. Here, in Denver, even if I tell my parents or whatever, no one’s gonna know. I can’t find my person, because people actually fucking recognize me now. I can’t flirt, or go on first dates, or download Grindr, or go to a gay bar, or anything. I’m stuck. And I’m not so sure that my parents and Taylor will be accepting - my dad can say some pretty homophobic things sometimes, and Taylor plays hockey. And now - one of my teammates - .” Cale breaks off, crying again. “I miss you, Alex. So much. I should have just - stayed at UMass or something, told the NHL and the Avs to fuck off.”

“Cale, don’t be ridiculous.” Cale can picture the exact way Alex is rolling his eyes. “I miss you too, every day, but honestly - even if you were fully out, I’m not sure we would have worked out anyway, with the distance and your crazy schedule. And there’s no way you would have been happy giving up hockey, ever. No matter how bad everything seems right now, I know that you’re happier like this than you would have been if you were still here. You even won the Calder, dude! We can still talk sometimes, I mean, not at 3 am, but at normal times, if you want. We can be friends. I want to be friends.”

Cale tries and fails to blink back more tears that are forming, nodding his head and making sure Alex knows he wants that. Friends. He grabs the picture he had put face down on his nightstand and takes a long look at it, when Alex interrupts his musing. “What happened with your teammate? Is someone being shitty to you?”

Cale pauses for a moment, not sure what to do. He certainly isn’t about to out Nate, that wouldn’t be cool. Gathering his thoughts, he slowly explains the situation as best he can. The team is great, he has a ton of friends and everyone has been so nice to him. Helping him out with anything he asks, giving him pointers, listening to his worries. He has one friend in particular that he hangs out with a ton. Coffee, lunch, video games. Movies. Extra practices. Chatting in hotel rooms until the early hours of the morning, sometimes about hockey and sometimes about nothing at all, laughing their heads off at things that won’t even seem funny once they’ve had a full night’s sleep. Hanging out at their condos in Denver most nights, cooking together, watching crappy TV.

Alex interrupts quickly, “oh, so you fell for one of your teammates! That’s not the end of the world. You can either tell him how you feel, or work on getting over him. It’s gonna work out.” Cale smiles, Alex knows him so well. “Yeah, uh, I definitely did kind of fall for him. Sorry, is that weird for us to talk about? But um, yeah. And I was kind of - it wasn’t great, I was trying to get over him, because that’s like, not cool or whatever. It was going ok, sort of, I still have ridiculous feelings for him, but I was acting normal around him. And then - he uh. He came out. To the team. A few days ago.”

Alex takes a moment to respond. “You mean - one of your teammates is also gay?” he says slowly. Cale squeaks out a “yes!”, and Alex considers what to say. “And how did the team react? Were they awful about it? Is it all the homophobic crap you’ve been so worried about this whole time? Is that why you’re so upset right now?”

“No, um, actually the team was great. They kind of like - mobbed him? Like hugging him and screaming at him about how they accept and love him, and making plans for pride night, and I’m pretty sure one of them tried to make all of us go to a gay bar?” Cale responds.

“So then, what’s the problem? Your team seems wonderful, the guy you have feelings for is gay - this seems pretty ideal,” Alex says, confused. Cale tries to put his thoughts into words. After struggling for a few moments he says, “well, one of the things I’m worried about is how close we are - were? We haven’t really talked since he came out. But since we’re so close, I’m worried people will think I’m gay too. I mean, they’d be right, but I don’t want them to know.”

“Stop being a dumbass, Cale. Look, it’s 3:45 am here, and I love you, but not enough to keep talking about this when we should both be asleep. Get some sleep, talk to your teammate because he probably thinks you’re a homophobic piece of shit for avoiding him after he came out, and maybe like, think about coming out to someone yourself. Your parents, or maybe this teammate. I mean, it’s not like this dude is gonna call you a slur or be disgusted or anything, he’s also gay.”

“Yeah, you’re right Al, I need to sleep,” Cale replied. “I’ll think about the rest of what you said. And, thanks. For picking up, for talking to me, for keeping tabs on me and the team. It means a lot. And I really do want to be friends.”

“Me too, Cale. I’ll text you tomorrow and see how you’re doing, yeah? Good night,” Alex responds. After they hang up, Cale feels a bit better. He finally undresses and lays down on his bed normally. Maybe Alex is right, he muses. Maybe everything will be better in the morning. He drifts off to sleep, comforted by the thought.

----------

Everything is definitely not better in the morning. In fact, it’s much worse. He didn’t set an alarm and overslept, and now half the locker room seems annoyed at him even though he was barely a minute late for practice. He’s not sure what he did to everyone, but it’s making his mood even worse. Practice is awful - fumbling easy passes, letting forwards slip through him like he’s not even there. He can’t focus at all. After practice ends, he strips off his jersey and pads, and makes his way to shower. Letting the warm water run down on him, he thinks more about what Alex had said to him. Coming out to a few people. People he trusts. He vetoes everyone on the team immediately - he can’t let anyone in the NHL know, because then his career will be over - and also his parents (no matter what Alex thinks, his dad is probably not going to be great with things like this).

Taylor, though. Taylor isn’t a bad idea. He’s with the Bandits again this season, having a great year. So at least he’s not at home with their parents. Cale doesn’t think he’d spill the beans to anyone. As he washes the shampoo out of his hair, he makes a firm decision - he’s going to call Taylor right when he gets home and he’s going to finally tell him. Shutting off the water, he grabs his towel and dries off. He definitely feels a bit shaky - what if Taylor turns against him? Or thinks he’s disgusting? He throws those thoughts out of his mind and heads to the locker room, eager to get out quickly so he can talk to his brother and also so he can avoid the frosty stares he seems to be getting from half his teammates.

A few hours later, he’s sitting on his bed staring at his phone. Willing himself to press the button that would connect him to Taylor. He startles as his phone vibrates - a text from Alex, asking how he is. He responds to it immediately, telling Alex about how he wants to tell Taylor but can’t find the courage to call him. “DO IT!!!!” is the only reply he gets back. Alex is right - he needs to just do it. Steeling himself, he calls his brother, hoping Taylor is alone and can chat for a bit.

“Cale! It’s been so long! How are you?” Taylor excitedly chirps at him. Cale can’t help but smile, missing his little brother immensely. “I’m good, Taylor. You know, practice, games, the usual,” he pauses for a moment, “but there’s something I did want to tell you, specifically. If that’s ok right now.”

“Yeah, of course, I’m just hanging out alone right now,” Taylor responds. Cale takes a deep breath. Then another. “You ok, Cale?” Taylor asks, sounding a bit worried. “Yeah, I just, yeah. I don’t know if I’ve actually ever said this out loud before. So it’s a lot. But I want you to know so I just have to - yeah. I’m - fuck. Fuck.” Cale starts hyperventilating a bit.

“Hey, calm down, it’s fine. Whatever it is you have to say, you know I love you no matter what, right? Like, if you have a dead body there you need help with, just let me know, no biggie, I’ll hop on the next flight to Denver and we’ll figure it out together. Or like, if you got someone pregnant or something, I don’t know, you’ll be a great dad!” Taylor starts babbling.

Cale can’t help his smile. “No dead bodies here, and definitely no pregnancies. I’m way too young to be a dad, ew. I’m 22!”

“Well, you never know, accidents happen. So what is it then?” Taylor asks.

Cale readies himself for a long moment. “I’m gay,” he says, finally, voice shaking. It’s the first time he’s ever said the words out loud.

Silence. Taylor is processing. Cale is panicking, ears ringing. His brother hates him, definitely, he has no family now, what is he going to do. More silence, more ringing in his ears. He can’t breathe.

“Cale? Cale can you hear me? Are you ok?” Taylor sounds worried.

“I’m here - what?” Cale replies. “Cale, I’ve been telling you over and over that I love you and I’m happy you told me but you haven’t said anything in a couple of minutes. Are you sure you’re ok?”

“It’s - you’re not - you’re not mad, or grossed out? It’s ok?” Cale says hesitantly.

“What the fuck, Cale, of course it’s ok! Dude, it’s 2020. Almost 2021. Come on. You’re my brother, I love you, and let me know if you need help finding a boyfriend or something, I can be the best wingman. Oh my gosh! I can come to Denver and we can go to a gay bar or something. It’s gonna be great,” Taylor prattles on happily. Cale lets out a deep breath, anxiety he didn’t know was even there slipping away.

They keep chatting for another hour or so, about hockey and everything else going on in their lives. Finally, ready to end the call, Taylor hesitantly says, “hey, Cale? I’m really glad you told me. You could have told me years ago. And I think Mom and Dad would be ok with it too, you know? They love you, they won’t care. Just - you don’t have to keep this from people, yeah? Live your life, be happy. Find someone to make you happy. Don’t let the NHL take this away from you.” Cale tears up and thanks his brother.

After they hang up, he texts Alex. “I did it! And he was super cool about it! He told me to tell our parents - maybe I’ll do that tomorrow. I think once was enough for today.” Instantly, Alex texts him back a bunch of celebration emojis and “coming out is exhausting! Treat yourself today and prep for doing it again tomorrow!” Cale laughs, and heads out to the living room to play something easy, working on getting his mind a bit more relaxed.

Later that night, Cale notices Nate texted him. “Are we back on for morning skates, now that you’re feeling better?” Fuck. He can’t - not yet. People might figure him out. “I had a pretty rough day, some stuff with my brother, and I think tomorrow won’t be better with family stuff, so I can’t. Maybe next week? Sorry.” There, that sounds reasonable. No one’s going to argue with me about weird family things, he thinks.

Cale is too keyed up the next day to notice anything off about people in the locker room. He kind of drifts through practice, gets yelled at by Bedsy to get his head in the game. After practice, Nate corners him. “Is everything ok with Taylor? And your parents?” he asks worriedly. “Oh, yeah, there’s just a whole situation. I actually have to go home right now to call my parents, but like, everyone is fine physically and whatever.” Cale reassures him. “Oh - so I guess you can’t go to lunch today?” Nate says sadly. “I don’t think so. But maybe another day? Sorry,” he replies, rushing off. He thinks he handled that situation well enough, hopefully.

Once home, he calls his mom, catches up with her for a bit. Finally, he asks her if his dad is around, and tells her to put the phone on speaker for a bit. “I wanted to tell you both - I told Taylor yesterday, but basically no one else knows - I’m, um, I’m gay.” It was a bit easier this time, somehow, like telling Taylor was practice for this bigger moment. He waits a moment for them to respond, hands shaking slightly, and he’s taken aback by their support. “We love you no matter what!” his mom says tearfully. “Do you need us to fly out? Are you ok?” his dad asks. “No, I’m good, thanks. I just - I just wanted you to know. I don’t want to have to hide who I am from you anymore,” Cale explains.

After he assures them that he’s ok, no he doesn’t have a boyfriend, no he does NOT want them to ask their friends if they have sons who want to date him, Cale hangs up with them and has dinner. After, he calls Alex to update him about his parents. Alex is ridiculously excited for him, and the two of them end up spending an hour on the phone, chatting about what Alex has been up to at UMass and one of Cale’s crazy goals from a week ago. He feels way better than he did a few days ago after they end the call. His family knows about him. He’s back to being friends with Alex. He goes to sleep, peaceful for once, less lonely than he has been in a long time.

----------

Practice the next day is fine, but afterwards, Gabe and EJ corner him. “You’re coming to lunch with us. No arguments. Cancel whatever plans you have, including whatever bullshit lies you’ve been feeding Nate about ‘family stuff’, got it?” Cale shakily nods. “What’s this about?” he asks them. “Lunch,” is all Gabe will say. He sort of resents them thinking he’s lying about family stuff - well, it wasn’t quite family stuff, but it sort of was, he thinks. Coming out to your brother and parents - that should qualify, probably. Since when does he lie, anyway? Weird.

They get to one of Gabe’s favorite lunch spots and order quickly. The atmosphere is tense. Cale’s not sure what to do, so he waits for one of them to say something.

Finally, EJ speaks. “Do you know who Matt Duchene is?” EJ asks him. Cale nods slowly, “I mean, I don’t know him personally but I know he was on the Avs until a couple years ago, right?”

“Yeah, he was,” Gabe says. “Do you know why he’s not on the Avs right now? Why he had to go to Ottawa?”

“Uh - no? He asked for a trade because the Avs kind of sucked in ‘16-’17, right?” Cale is confused but plays along. Maybe he’s supposed to pass some sort of Avs trivia as a rookie and people forgot to test him last year. He quickly tries to remember everything he knows about 25 years of Avs hockey just in case.

“He’s not on this team anymore because Nate was very good friends with him. Such good friends, in fact, that he came out to Dutchy. And Dutchy was a homophobic piece of shit about it, bringing in information about gay conversion and sticking it in Nate’s locker, telling him he was going to hell, and trying to set him up with women from church. So Sakic stepped in and shipped him off to Ottawa. Because the Avs don’t tolerate homophobia. Get it now?” Gabe says cruelly.

“I, uh, yeah. That’s good. Homophobia is bad, it’s good that Sakic was like, cool about getting rid of Dutchy and sticking up for Nate,” Cale says slowly. He has no idea why they’re telling him this story. He doesn’t think it’s a trivia test anymore.

“If you keep being a homophobic asshole, I will make sure Joe ships you somewhere worse than Ottawa. Winnipeg. Columbus. Do you know what happens in Columbus? That’s where hockey dreams go to die, Cale. And I will make sure your hockey dreams die if you keep being a piece of shit,” EJ says. All of a sudden, it clicks in his head. Alex said the same thing - Nate thinks he’s homophobic. That’s why half the team has been shitty to him. They think he hates Nate because he’s gay. Fuck.

“I’m not - I’m not like that! I swear!” Cale exclaims. “I’m not homophobic. I think it’s cool that Nate told us. Please don’t send me to Columbus. Please.”

Their conversation halts as their server brings their food over. Gabe menacingly eats a carrot - can someone be menacing while eating vegetables? How did Gabe master that? Did he like, take a captain course about how to eat vegetables aggressively to scare rookies? He feels like a rookie right now, even though he’s in his second year.

“Ok, but you are homophobic, so,” EJ continues. “Or, you’re acting homophobic which isn’t any better, really. Nate’s upset. He’s spent the past week at my house, crying on my couch, because he thinks you hate him because he’s gay. So, stop being an asshole or you’ll be in Winnipeg next week. It’s very cold there, Cale. You don’t want to be in Winnipeg.”

“I didn’t mean to upset him! I’m not homophobic, please believe me,” Cale pleads with them. He sees they don’t believe him, and honestly, he doesn’t blame them. He’s been treating Nate like shit ever since he came out, and Nate is one of his closest friends here. “I’ll fix this, I swear.”

“How will you fix it? Be specific,” Gabe says, still munching aggressively. “Because neither of us believes that you’re not homophobic, and we don’t want to see Nate get hurt any more than he already is. So, honestly, at this point, we’d prefer if you just stayed away from him.”

“I’ll go back to my usual schedule with him. Lunch and early morning practices, and hanging out, whatever. If he wants that. If he can forgive me,” Cale’s ashamed to realize he’s tearing up. He feels a hand on his shoulder - Gabe, he must realize how close Cale is to crying.

“I’m not sure if he will, but you can try. After we’re convinced you’re not anti-gay or whatever. Because I think it’ll hurt him worse if you try to go back to your friendship while still hating gay people,” EJ responds.

“I don’t hate gay people! I swear, EJ, please believe me. I - please. I promise,” Cale is crying by this point, tears rolling down his cheeks, ashamed that his teammates think this of him, ashamed that he’s been acting like this towards such a good friend.

“EJ, that’s enough. Look at him. He’s terrified and upset,” Gabe says shortly.

“Good. He should be,” EJ responds. Cale is shaking and pale, and Gabe still has his arm on Cale’s shoulder, trying to comfort him. He thinks about what Alex said - his teammates are cool with Nate being gay. He thinks about the fact that Nate told EJ and Gabe before everyone else - and how they’re clearly accepting because they brought him to this restaurant to yell at him for being homophobic. So they can’t be homophobic themselves. And he needs them to believe him, because he doesn’t want to be in Columbus. Nothing good has ever happened in Ohio.

“I’m not homophobic. I just - I was worried that if I kept being close with Nate, people would think - people would figure out that I’m - that I’m gay,” Cale stumbles over his words, still crying. He looks down at his still full plate, knowing there’s no way he can eat right now, unable to make eye contact with his teammates. He doesn’t want to deal with their disgust. “I, fuck, sorry, I’ll just go,” he says shakily, digging around for his wallet to cover his food. Gabe looks at EJ significantly, and EJ throws a few bills onto the table, and then the two of them drag Cale outside. He’s waiting for them to yell at him, but it never comes. Instead, he feels Gabe’s arms around him, hugging him, and he loses it, sobbing into his captain’s arms while apologizing over and over. EJ hugs the two of them from behind - they probably look insane, but no one’s around to see them. Finally, Cale’s sobs slow enough that he can sort of talk again, and he’s herded back into Gabe’s car. He’s not sure where they’re going, but he also doesn’t really care.

A few minutes into the drive, he starts to panic. I just came out to my teammates. I’m going to be kicked off the team. Out of the NHL. His breath is coming in short gasps, his seatbelt feels like it’s choking him and his hands scrabble over it. Everything I’ve worked for my whole life is over because I couldn’t handle keeping this secret for a few more years. Because I accidentally befriended the one other gay guy in the league. He vaguely hears EJ say something to Gabe, and then the car is stopping. He doesn’t know where they are, doesn’t recognize anything around them, he needs the seatbelt off NOW but his fingers slide clumsily over the button, too shaky to hit it. The front doors open, then the back, and suddenly Gabe is hugging him, telling him to take some deep breaths. “You’re having a panic attack, Cale. Can you try to take a few deep breaths for me? You’re going to be ok. You’re safe. Everything is fine. We’ve got you. EJ and I are here. Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise,” Gabe comforts him.
“I can’t - I’ve worked - I don’t want - everything is over - needed to keep secret -,” Cale stutters out between gasped breaths. EJ seems to understand immediately, though Cale was sure none of the words that came out of his mouth made any sense.

“Nothing is over, Cale Juice,” he says quietly, soothingly. “It’s ok. You can play hockey and be gay. Nate’s been doing it for years. You’ve been doing it for years. No one is kicking you off the team, no one is kicking you out of the NHL. What you told us can stay between the three of us - no one else has to know, ok?” EJ continues. Cale tries to lose himself in the calming tones as the two men continue to comfort him, and finally, his breathing slows back to normal.

“I’m sorry about that,” he mutters, embarrassed. Gabe and EJ just roll their eyes at his apology. EJ sits down next to him in the back, and Gabe gets back into the driver’s seat to keep heading to - wherever it is they’re going.

“Where are we going, anyway?” Cale asks.

“EJ’s place. It’s a bit more relaxed than mine, Mel and Linnea are obviously at home, so I thought that might be ok? Nate is there but I thought - well, I told you we can keep this between the three of us, and we can, but I also thought you might want to talk to Nate. You don’t have to tell him, but you do need to apologize for how you’ve acted,” Gabe says. Cale nods in agreement, and settles himself into EJ, who had wrapped his arm around the younger man. He closes his eyes and drifts a bit, trying not to let himself panic again. At least they seem to believe him now, that he’s not homophobic. He really doesn’t want to end up in Manitoba. Or Ohio.

All too soon, the car is pulling up to EJ’s house. Cale’s not ready for this. He’s not ready to face the man he hurt, the man he fell head over heels for. He’s reeling, shaky in his seat again. EJ notices the tension immediately and rubs his shoulders.

“It’s gonna be ok, bud. We’ve got you. Nate - well, he’s upset, and rightfully so, but he’ll forgive you,” EJ comforts him. They get out of the car and head inside. Cale notices a large lumpy blanket on the couch, the room dark and all the shades closed. The blanket suddenly moves and a head pops out from under it. Nate.

Fuck, he looks terrible. Cale is struck by crushing guilt, knowing that this is his fault. Nate notices Cale is with EJ and Gabe, and he quickly retreats his head back under the blanket. EJ walks over and rubs Nate’s back, trying to comfort him, but Cale can see that Nate is shaking even from where he’s standing, rooted to the spot, 15 feet away. EJ motions for him to come over, and Gabe gives him a helpful shove in Nate’s direction. He walks over slowly, feeling like his feet have lead in them.

“Hey, Nate,” Cale starts shakily. Nate just looks at him with red, puffy eyes. Worse than when they lost game 7 last year. He didn’t know something could be worse than that. Kneeling down beside him, taking EJ’s spot, he’s not sure what to do with his hands. “I’m really sorry about the way I’ve acted this week. It was unacceptable, and I should have been there for you when you needed me. I was a shitty friend, and I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to you.”

Nate just continues to stare at him, through him. Cale’s not sure if he even really heard anything he said. Finally, Nate opens his mouth to speak. “Why did you lie? About being sick, about family things. I was really worried about you until JT, Josty, EJ, and Gabe told me you were lying. I thought something was seriously wrong.”

Cale hangs his head in shame. “It wasn’t - I didn’t plan on lying. I mean, I didn’t really lie. I truly did feel sick the days I said that, although I guess I knew the reason, and knew it wasn’t exactly physical. I knew I didn’t have the flu or whatever. But I was also avoiding you too, I won’t lie about that. And the family stuff,” Cale takes a deep breath and continues, “there was actually family stuff. The day I told you that, it was the day after I finally came out to my brother. And then I did go home and call my parents, because I needed to tell them too,” Cale finishes, quietly. The room is silent for a moment.

“You’re gay?” Nate murmurs, almost inaudibly. He sits up slightly, runs a hand through his hair. He looks like he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. Cale nods, feeling like he has to explain.

“I’ve spent my whole life keeping it a secret. Until a few days ago, only one person ever knew, and that was my ex. When you came out, I panicked. I thought that people would somehow figure it out about me, even though that doesn’t make sense, because of how close we are - were. And I’ve spent my whole life trying to hide this so that my whole hockey career wasn’t destroyed before it could even start, so I was terrified. It was a shitty thing to do, and I’m really sorry. You needed me, and I ran away.”

Nate nods, understanding. He rubs his hands over his eyes, blinking. He stares at Cale for a long moment, glances up to where EJ and Gabe are hovering, then his eyes are back on Cale. “It’s ok, Cale. That makes a lot more sense - I never really got homophobic vibes from you, so I was really confused. Thanks for telling me,” Nate says, still speaking softly. The four of them sit in silence for a while, lost to their thoughts, before EJ finally puts on a movie and gets started on dinner for the four of them.

After they eat, EJ asks if Nate is staying the night again. He shakes his head, saying that it’s probably been too long since he’s been home. Gabe offers to drop off him and Cale. Cale’s probably thinking too much into it, but he doesn’t think he’s ever heard Nate refer to his Denver condo as home before.

Cale is surprised as Nate follows him off the elevator - he would have thought Nate would have wanted some space from him. They stand awkwardly in the foyer for a moment, Nate staring directly into Cale’s eyes. Nate bites his lip for a second, then says, “tell me if I’m reading this wrong, if I’ve been reading this wrong the whole time,” and puts a hand on Cale’s waist. Cale is frozen, unable to believe this is happening, as Nate leans in.

They kiss, tentatively at first, then more intensely, taken over by a hunger that feels like it will never be satiated. Cale gets a hand under Nate’s shirt, touching his impressive abs, his waist. Nate tugs him closer, groaning, then pushes Cale against the wall and starts sucking a mark on his neck. “Fuck,” Cale groans. They stop long enough to strip their shirts before diving right back in, skin on skin intensifying everything. Nate slots a leg between Cale’s, pushes up, providing friction for Cale. They both groan at that, both insanely hard, desperate for more. Without warning, Nate drops to his knees, and this could be taken right out of Cale’s fantasies. “This ok?” Nate asks, looking up at him.

Cale nods eagerly, “please, Nate. I want this. I’ve wanted this for a long time.” He blushes, embarrassed by the confession, but Nate doesn’t seem put off. Instead, he’s unbuttoning Cale’s pants, sliding everything off, leaving Cale naked and panting, still against the wall in the foyer. Nate leans in, licks a stripe up the underside of Cale’s dick, and Cale’s head thumps back against the wall with a groan.

“Fuck, Nate. I’m not going to last long, I’m sorry. Fuck,” he says eloquently, as Nate takes him deep in his throat. He glances down at Nate and sees his blue eyes staring right up at Cale. Fuck. He runs a hand through Nate’s hair, and Nate eagerly leans into the touch. Nate speeds up slightly, getting into a rhythm that is absolutely perfect.

Cale groans again. “Fuck, I’m so close. Nate, I’m so close, you have to stop, I’m going to come,” he says urgently, pulling Nate’s hair slightly to get him off. Nate looks up at him again, winks, and takes Cale in deeper. “Fuck, Nate, I’m coming,” he moans loudly as pleasure overtakes him, filling Nate’s mouth. Nate swallows it all, working Cale until he’s a bit oversensitive, then pulls off and stands up.

He looks at Cale hesitantly, like he’s not sure if he’s allowed to touch him still, so Cale pulls him in for a kiss. He can taste himself on Nate’s lips, and it’s driving him crazy despite having one of the best orgasms of his life only moments before. Nate’s still half-dressed, and hard against Cale’s thigh. Cale pushes his thigh closer into Nate’s cock and he whimpers, hips stuttering.

Cale pulls away for a second. “Bedroom,” he says. The two of them stumble their way to Cale’s bed, stopping every few seconds to keep kissing. Finally, they make it onto Cale’s bed, and Cale strips Nate of his remaining clothes. He takes Nate’s cock in his hand, lightly running his fist up and down the length of it, and Nate whines. “Please, Cale, need you, please,” he pleads.

“What do you want,” Cale asks. Nate shudders.

“Anything. Please,” he begs. Cale considers him for a second. He’s not sure if this is a one time thing, or what. Nate probably doesn’t have feelings, it’s probably just sex for him. If he’s only going to have him this once, he wants it all.

“Can I ride you?” Cale asks. Nate throws his head back, groaning.

“Yes, fuck, Cale, I want that. Let me open you up,” he says. Cale swears, then flops down next to Nate to grab the lube from his nightstand. Nate straddles him immediately, kissing him, for a while. He moves down to Cale’s neck, slowly kissing his way down Cale’s body, before grabbing the lube and slicking up a finger. He circles Cale’s entrance a few times before gently sliding his finger inside. Cale groans, still oversensitive from coming ten minutes ago. Nate is slow and gentle, though, and Cale is getting hard again. More lube, then Nate is sliding a second finger in while simultaneously taking Cale’s dick back into his mouth. Cale thrashes on the bed, overwhelmed by the double stimulation. Nate pulls his mouth off and grins up at Cale before sliding a third finger in, stretching him open.

“Fuck, Nate, I’m good, please, get inside me. I’m ready,” Cale whines. Nate smirks at him, teasing him for a few more thrusts of his fingers, before pulling them out and grabbing the lube. He slicks himself up and lays back on the bed, and Cale scrambles on top of him, slightly uncoordinated. Nate’s eyes roll back in his head as Cale sinks down on top of him, encasing him in soft, tight heat. Cale takes a moment to adjust, then starts moving up and down, repositioning himself slightly until the angle is perfect, one hand on Nate’s chest.

“You feel insane, Nate, fuck,” Cale groans. Nate grabs his waist, plants his feet, and starts thrusting up. Cale gasps as Nate nails his prostate again and again.

“Feels so good, Cale. You’re so good for me. Fuck, baby, I’m gonna come soon, keep riding me just like that.” Nate reaches for Cale’s cock, jerking him off in rhythm with his thrusts, until he feels Cale tighten everywhere and explode on his stomach. Nate works him through it, then thrusts two more times and comes deep inside of Cale, hips stuttering upwards chasing deeper and more. Panting slightly, Cale collapses on top of Nate.

“Holy shit, that was amazing,” Cale says. Nate nods in agreement, arms coming to wrap around Cale. He rubs one hand slowly up and down Cale’s back as Cale burrows his head into Nate’s neck. Nate kisses the top of his head gently.

“We should shower, we’re kind of gross and sticky,” Nate murmurs. Cale nods, groans, and stands up. Nate follows, watching as Cale turns the knobs of the shower until the bathroom is steamy, then the two step in together. Cale is pretty quiet, unsure of what is happening between the two of them. He wants - well, he wants more than just one night. He wants more than fuckbuddies. Nate’s given him no indication of whether he’s on the same page.

He feels an arm wrap around him, and Nate whispers in his ear, “you good? I can hear you thinking.” Cale turns to smile at him and Nate takes the opportunity to kiss him again, sweetly, with none of the hunger that was present before. Cale breaks away after a few moments, putting his head in Nate’s neck.

“I’m good, I think. It’s just been a long day. A long week, I guess. I’m glad I don’t have to go to Ohio,” Cale says.

“Why the fuck would you be going to Ohio?” Nate questions. Cale starts giggling.

“EJ threatened to have Joe send me somewhere worse than Ottawa if I kept being a homophobic asshole. Somewhere like Columbus or Winnipeg,” Cale explains. Nate starts laughing with him, the two of them holding each other as the shower water rains down on their heads. Nate grabs one of Cale’s hands, intertwines their fingers.

“I know we didn’t exactly talk about this before we had sex, and if you want to just leave it as a one time thing or something, we can,” Nate starts, “but, if you’d be down for it, I want more. I’ve wanted this,” he gestures at their intertwined hands, “for more than a year now. Sorry, I know that’s a lot to throw at you right now.”

Cale brings his free hand to cup Nate’s face and kisses him gently. “I’m all in, Nate. I’ve wanted this too. For a long time also. Stay tonight?” Nate nods, and the two finish showering. Cale changes the sheets for them, and they crawl into bed together, Nate spooned up behind Cale, arm slung over his stomach to pull him close, head buried in his neck. Cale releases a deep breath and falls asleep instantly.

They get to practice the next day a bit later than usual, deciding to forgo their usual early morning skate when Cale gets his mouth on Nate’s cock instead. The team sees them walk in together and the atmosphere immediately relaxes; JT shoots Cale a huge smile, which he returns. They start changing into their pads and jerseys, when Burky wolf-whistles at Nate.

“Our boy got laid! Look at his neck! Dude, did you find a vampire to hook up with? I didn’t know being gay meant you were only into vampires,” Burky shouts. The rest of the team cackles with laughter, and EJ prods one of the bigger hickeys on Nate’s neck. Cale is bright red from head to toe, avoiding eye contact with everyone, but manages to notice Gabe wink at him.

“Looks like our leafy boy got some last night, too!” Devon crows, pointing out a mark high on Cale’s neck. “What, did you two wingman for each other or something? Since when does our baby Cale hook up?” Cale turns even redder, mumbles something incomprehensible, and rushes out to the ice to escape his nosy teammates. He’s not ready for them to find out, and he’s kind of surprised none of them have put two and two together yet, aside from EJ and Gabe. He’s skating around by himself when Josty corners him.

“Look, I’m not going to say anything to anyone, so don’t freak out, ok? Also, JT gave me the go ahead to say this to you, so don’t get mad at me about that either. I’m glad you and Nate finally figured your shit out. It took me and JT a long time to get there. We don’t really want to tell everyone, but Nate, Gabe, and EJ already know, and some others. It’s probably not obvious to the straight guys in the room, but I’ve known the two of you have been into each other for a ridiculous amount of time,” Josty says quietly. Cale freezes, trying not to panic, then realizes the gravity of what Josty just told him - he’s also not straight. And JT. There’s at least three other guys on his team who get it. He wraps Josty up in a hug and thanks him, trying to keep calm. He’s a little shaky as he pulls back, earning a concerned, “you ok?” from Tyson.

“Not really, but I will be,” Cale replies, perhaps a bit too honest. Tyson nods and punches him gently in the shoulder before skating away.

The rest of practice is pretty normal, and he and Nate easily slot back into their usual lunch routine. They chat about hockey, and Cale tells Nate about his freakout and how Taylor and his parents reacted to the news. Nate quickly squeezes his hand about that. They chat about the rest of the season, and Nate is convinced this year might be their year. Or maybe next year. They’re deep in conversation about what they’d do if they win - from Cale’s idea of drinking a slurpee out of the Cup, to Nate’s plans of throwing a crazy Cup party at his place in Nova Scotia.

“I’ll tell you what, Nate. We win it all, and you can kiss me at center ice right after. If we’re cup winners, no one can say being gay is getting in the way of hockey,” Cale grins at him, mostly joking. Nate grins back, and promises to remember that.

Somehow, they end up back at Nate’s place, and Nate’s mouth finds Cale’s the second they walk through the door. His hand is slipping up Cale’s shirt, brushing lightly over his nipple as Cale moans deeply into the kiss and rocks his hips forward. Nate’s on the same page, gently shifting Cale’s legs apart to get a thigh in between, and Cale can’t help the way he grinds against Nate’s thigh.

“Fuck, baby, you’re so hot right now. I want to eat you out so badly, please let me?” Nate asks.

“Holy shit, yes,” Cale responds, and Nate drags him by his hand to the bedroom, pausing every few seconds to take off more of his own or Cale’s clothes. By the time they get to their bedroom, Nate’s managed to get them both naked, and he leads Cale over to the bed. Face down, with a pillow under his hips, he feels Nate start kissing down his back. Nate spreads him gently, and Cale groans as Nate licks broadly over his hole. Encouraged by Cale’s sounds, Nate dives in, alternating licking and sucking on Cale’s rim and probing deeper with his tongue. Cale’s hips are rocking, pushing back into Nate desperate for more and pushing forward into the pillow desperate for any friction on his dick. He thinks he’s talking, pleading for more, making sounds he’ll probably be embarrassed about in the aftermath, but he doesn’t care as long as Nate keeps doing what he’s doing.

Quicker than he’d hoped, he’s on the edge of coming. “Fuck, Nate, you have to stop or I’m gonna come, want to come with you inside me, please.”

Nate slows down, adds a finger alongside his tongue and slips it in slowly where Cale is loosened already. He thrusts in and out smoothly a few times, before keeping his finger deep inside and crooking it gently until he finds Cale’s prostate. Cale gasps and swears. Grinning, Nate keeps rubbing over the sensitive area with his finger while going back to gently licking over his hole, next to his finger.

“I’m gonna, fuck, Nate, I’m gonna come, don’t stop, fuck, please,” Cale cries out, moving his hips slightly, in rhythm with Nate’s finger. Nate keeps his finger moving, keeps licking over Cale’s rim, and pleasure suddenly overwhelms him as he moans loudly, spurting onto the pillow beneath him. Nate keeps fingering him through the aftershocks, gently removing his finger as Cale starts to whimper with oversensitivity.

Cale pulls him into a filthy kiss, licking into Nate’s mouth, dragging him closer. He goes to get a hand on Nate, and realizes that his boyfriend isn’t hard. He pulls back, concerned that he did something wrong or that maybe Nate isn’t as into this whole thing as he thought, and Nate blushes bright red.

“I, uh, I really liked eating you out. Like, a lot. Sorry,” he says, unable to make eye contact. It takes Cale a second to realize what he means.

“Fuck, that’s so hot. Holy shit, Nate. I can’t even - that’s like, the hottest thing ever, stop being embarrassed and fucking kiss me again,” Cale says, pulling him in. Nate laughs and lets Cale kiss him again, both of them satisfied and radiating happiness.

Later that night, Cale calls Alex. “So, you’ll never guess what happened,” Cale starts.

“You and your teammate finally talked and had crazy good sex?” Alex guesses.

“Well, fuck. Apparently you can guess what happened,” Cale giggles. He catches Alex up about everything, leaving out names as he tells him about the threats from EJ and Gabe, coming out in the middle of a restaurant to them, and how he apologized to Nate.

“I’m so happy for you,” Alex said. “I want to meet him, if he’s cool with that, at some point. He better make you happy and treat you well!”

“He will! He does. He’s really awesome. You should come visit during spring break or something. Catch a few games, and I can check with my boyfriend and see if he’d be ok meeting you, I think he probably will be fine with it.”

“Yeah, spring break sounds perfect,” Alex responds. They make some plans, chat a bit more about UMass, and Cale heads to bed with a huge grin on his face. Friends with Alex again for real, boyfriends with Nate, and a bunch of people on the team know who he is and don’t hate him. He couldn’t have imagined it working out better than this.

Epilogue

Screams of joy erupt from the bench, but Cale is focused on keeping his guy pinned in the offensive zone. He doesn’t really know how he ended up in this corner of the ice. Being a defenseman he should probably be back more, but he needed to chase the puck, needed to make sure the Lightning can’t get possession. Suddenly, the puck squirts free and he’s chasing it. Too late, something in his mind tells him. There’s no time left.

The screams are louder now, the horn going off, the score is 2-1: it’s over, they did it. Devon smashes into him and they’re both sobbing in each other’s arms. Nate and EJ are rolling on the ice together, crying and laughing and screaming. He catches Kuemper and Frankie hugging out of the corner of his eye. JT is hugging O’Connor, and he knows the tears streaming down JT’s face are happiness and grief rolled into one, missing Josty so fiercely it hurts.

More arms wrap around him, and suddenly Nate’s shouting in his ear, “it’s you, Cale! I know it. Conn Smythe, baby!” Cale just rolls his eyes, playfully shoving Nate off him so they can go down the handshake line. Cale’s not sure how he stays upright on his skates, shaking with euphoria like he’s never felt before.

They start making moves to announce the Conn Smythe winner. No one cares, Cale thinks. Just bring out the Stanley Cup. We want to lift the Cup. They talk about the winner - a defenseman and - oh shit, Nate is right. He did win the Conn Smythe. Nate beams at him as he goes to collect the trophy (which is quite frankly a bit frighteningly sharp, that thing could definitely be used as a weapon), and he slowly skates it over to the edge of the ice where someone is waiting to collect it. Finally, finally, they bring out the cup. Gabe grabs it, sobbing and smiling and laughing, lifts it above his head. It gets passed around, and when it’s Cale’s turn, it’s the lightest 35 pounds he’s ever lifted. He brings it down to his lips to kiss it, overjoyed at finally having won.

Family starts flooding the ice - he sees JT’s sister, EJ’s parents. Finally, he hears Taylor screech and wrap his arms around him, and he finds his own parents as well. Nate is wrapped up in his parent’s arms, crying again. He hugs his parents, then turns to see that Nate has come over to him again.

“So proud of you, Cale. Stanley Cup, Conn Smythe, Norris, Calder, Hobey Baker - is there anything you can’t win?” Cale blushes and reminds Nate that he’s won a Calder and a Cup now too, and it’s not like he was ever eligible for the Norris or Hobey Baker. He also smirks and reminds him about the Lady Byng he won a couple years ago. Nate just rolls his eyes.

“Come with me for a sec? Want to do something,” Nate says, a little less sure of himself now. Cale’s a bit confused, but he quickly agrees and skates over with Nate as his boyfriend leads him towards center ice.

“I hope this is ok. I mean, you told me it would be ok. Like, a year and a half ago. And you might have been joking. But, whenever I’ve thought about winning the cup, I’ve thought about this,” Nate says. He puts a hand on Cale’s waist, pulls him in, and kisses him in front of the whole world. Cale grabs him back, the two of them a bit caught up in each other for a moment. Their teammates’ cheers erupt around them, and Cale can’t stop smiling as he pulls back slightly.

“I love you, Nate,” he reminds his boyfriend.

“Love you too, Cale,” is the response. Cale thinks about the future - about all of their things mingled together in Nate’s place, waking up every morning with Nate by his side, cooking dinner together every night, late night video games and movies. He thinks about the ring hidden underneath his socks, waiting for the perfect moment this summer to be slid onto Nate’s finger after he hopefully says yes. He takes a deep breath, hugging Nate even tighter, trying to contain all of his emotions about the Cup and the future. Nate seems to get it, wrapping him up in his arms, and then someone brings the cup over, and they’re both holding it above their heads, kissing underneath it this time.

Breaking this kiss, Cale looks around the ice at his teammates, his parents and brother, Nate. Catching Nate’s eye again, he grins. He’s finally found his home.

Notes:

This is my first time writing this genre, so constructive criticism and other comments are very welcome! I'd especially love to hear if any sentences read awkwardly. Thanks!!

Series this work belongs to:

Part 1 of Men's Hockey RPF Next Work →

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