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“I was hanging with you
and then I realized
I didn’t think it was true,
I was surprised
When I found out I’d fallen for you”
As their hands reached towards each other through Rimbaud’s ability, Dazai couldn’t help but notice how blue Chuuya’s eyes were. They were such a clear, shining blue that reminded him of the ocean. Despite the situation the two of them were in, Dazai couldn’t help but feel totally at ease, with his life in the hands of this hot blooded redhead he’d just met. He couldn’t put a finger on it yet, but Dazai felt something come alive inside of him with every passing moment.
After the fight was done and over, Dazai took a second and just stared at the shorter boy, unable to draw his eyes away.
Chuuya scowled, “The hell are you staring at?”
Quickly Dazai looked away, not wanting to admit the feelings starting the brew in his stomach. “You’re looking a bit shorter than you were earlier. Careful not to exert yourself anymore, you might shrink!” He stalked away, knowing that Chuuya would be following right after him.
“I didn’t wanna believe
my feelings for you
I didn’t wanna believe
I could lose you
If I told you just how I felt”
Over the next several months, Dazai and Chuuya spent a lot more time together, much to their chagrin. With every mission they were put on, their teamwork was ironed out to be an almost unbeatable weapon for the Port Mafia. Anytime Dazai wasn’t working, either in his mafia office or out in the field with the ginger, he mulled over his growing feelings. The more he thought about it, the less he wanted it to be true. After everything he’s done, there was no way he would be able to have such human feelings like love. It’s as Mori has told him, as his own ability has told him, Dazai is not human. He’s not a true person, and therefore he doesn’t deserve the comfort derived from Chuuya’s presence. Most of all, Chuuya doesn’t deserve to be burdened by the knowledge that a monster such as Dazai harbors any sort of attachment to him.
Laying awake, staring at the rusty ceiling of the shipping container Dazai calls home, he vows to himself that nobody will know. Nobody can know that he would burn the world down for the other half of the double black. This was a secret he would keep to the grave. A selfish decision honestly. Chuuya was too pure to be saddled with someone as dark as Dazai, but he couldn’t help it. He was a selfish man. A selfish monster.
“But I can’t help it
I’m falling for you”
The sounds of automatic guns filled the air, Dazai and Chuuya were pinned down behind a wall, unable to move out of cover for fear of being riddled with holes. Chuuya looked to the brunette beside him, who was glaring at the ground, trying to come up with any plan to get at least one of them out of there alive.
“I’m gonna use it.” The red head growled out as he began to remove his gloves.
Dazai’s head snapped up to meet his eyes, and nodded, agreeing to the plan. At the affirmation, Chuuya let loose, he let Arahabaki loose. Dark marks spread up his arms and his eyes turned full white as he wheeled around and charged towards their attackers.
Any sane person would be terrified at the sight of Chuuya in his corruption form, as he was a raging beast with no master. Dazai however, was no sane person. He watched as his partner razed the ranks of the enemy, hundreds of soldiers trying fruitlessly to get a lucky bullet in to damage Chuuya. He’s beautiful like this, an angel of destruction , Dazai hummed to himself as he started to approach the carnage. While he wasn’t sure if Chuuya had defeated all of the gunmen, he was sure those that were left were ones he could handle. His priority right now was to make sure Chuuya would come back alive from this mission, the only one allowed to die was Dazai. Chuuya noticed the brunette approaching and turned to attack, but quick and experienced, Dazai dodged the blow and snatched Chuuya’s wrist, activating his ability to bring Chuuya back. As Arahabaki was subdued, Chuuya collapsed in Dazai’s arms, completely unconscious. After a quick check to make sure he wasn’t dead, Dazai took off to take out any stragglers that might cause him trouble when it came time to leave.
Coming back to Chuuya, Dazai noticed that he was bleeding more than he usually did after corruption. With practiced ease, he put aside his growing panic over the wellbeing of the ginger, scooped him up, and rushed off to the nearest mafia safehouse. Laying him down on the bed of the safehouse, Dazai couldn’t help but take a second to admire the blood on Chuuya’s face, how it made his hair seem even more fiery. Even when he’s a little too close to death for comfort, Chuuya was still flawless, a true masterpiece, a reincarnation of a god.
“And I can’t quit it
Cause I’m stuck on you”
Oda’s death still fresh on his mind, Dazai lay awake staring at the familiar chipping paint of his lousy container. Oh how he wanted to listen to Oda, leave the mafia and try to find the light, but he didn’t know if he could. Dazai was too stained to be able to do any good in the world, too much blood on his hands. And would it even be genuine? Dazai didn’t care for others, with a few exceptions, yet one of those expectations asked him with his dying words to seek the light, seek the good. He couldn’t dishonor Oda’s last wishes, nor could he stay in the mafia knowing full well that Mori sent his closest friend to die, that Mori let Oda’s kids die. Yet there was something stopping him from just saying fuck it and leaving. A fiery partner with little impulse control and a love for wine. How could Dazai leave Chuuya behind, after all they’ve done and all they’ve been through together. He knew that Chuuya would never leave with him, he was too loyal to the mafia. Maybe if he told Chuuya about what Mori had done to those children, or even what Mori had done to Dazai over all his years with the doctor, but he couldn’t burden Chuuya with that knowledge. He couldn’t try and convince him to leave the family he’s made in the mafia.
Dazai couldn’t stay in this container, it was too stuffy. All his thoughts were just too much, he needed to get air, he needed to walk. So walk he did, with no destination in mind he just walked. Trying to make sense of the conflicting emotions in his head, in his heart. When he finally stopped, he realized with horror where he was, outside of a building complex where a certain ginger resided. Why, out of all the places his legs could have taken him, why here. Why the place he knew he shouldn’t be at, it would only make his decision harder. But he couldn’t move. Like something had frozen him in place, he stood there staring up at the dark windows of Chuuya’s apartment. Even as rain started to drizzle, then pour, Dazai stood there, staring.
“And it might be pathetic
And you might be skeptical
But I just wanna be with you”
“The fuck are you doing Makrel?” A harsh voice cut through the fog in Dazai’s brain. Blinking the water from his eyes, he tilts his head to see a dark figure under an umbrella. A very familiar dark figure.
After a few seconds of no response, Chuuya waves his hand in front of Dazai’s face, “Oi! Anyone home in there?” Still getting nothing from the brunette, he grumbles and starts towards the door of the building. “You’re gonna get sick and die if you stay out in the rain like this.” Dazai tilts his head in confusion as Chuuya holds the door open for him, “You either come in willingly or unwillingly, and I much prefer not to carry your soaking ass into my apartment.”
As if propelled by a force, Dazai follows his partner inside, mind still lost in a haze of emotions. By the time the two made it up to the right apartment, Dazai regained enough of himself to try and slip on a mask, anything he could use to hide the turmoil roiling inside him.
“Inviting me inside for the night? At least buy me dinner first.” Dazai forced out, grasping at anything to distract from how he was found.
Chuuya glares at him as he unlocks the door and enters his home, “You’re the one standing outside my house like a stalker. What were you even doing out there?”
Dazai winces as the door closes behind him with a click, “I was trying to see if I could climb in through the windows to give my little Chibi a visit sometime.”
His response was met with a doubting stare, “In the rain? Try again.” Ignoring him, Dazai moved around the apartment into the kitchen, searching through the cabinets for anything strong to drink. “Your disgusting shit is all the way to the right.”
“Awww you keep my favorite drink just for me?” Dazai coos as he opens the correct cabinet and pulls out a bottle of whiskey.
Chuuya scoffs, “You left that here last time you broke in.” He moved to pour himself a glass of red wine, “Now, are you gonna tell me why you look like a drowned rat, outside my apartment, at midnight?”
“Are you going to tell me why you’re coming home at midnight?” Dazai shot back, taking a hefty swig of the bottle, enjoying the burning feeling down his throat.
Raising an eyebrow at the obvious dodge, “I don’t have to tell you what I’m doing every night”
“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. As a responsible owner of a dog, I should know everything you’re doing.” Dazai shoots back with a lazy smirk.
Chuuya growls, “I’m not a damn dog.”
“You sure growl like one.”
“Why did I even let you in, I should’ve left you to die in the rain.” Chuuya finishes his glass and pours another.
“Whatever would you do without your owner around?” Dazai throws an arm over his face dramatically, trying to ignore his brain telling him that soon enough Chuuya won’t have his owner around.
“You’re not. My owner. Because I’m not. A dog.” Chuuya growls out as he stalks over to Dazai and grabs the bottle out of the brunette’s hands. “And that’s enough drinking for you tonight.” Dazai opened his mouth to protest but was cut off, “No, you’ve drunk over half this bottle, no more.”
With a glare and a huff, Dazai goes into the living room and flops down on the couch, “Oh how mean Chibi is to me, what did I ever do to deserve such treatment.”
Putting the bottle back in its spot, Chuuya follows after him, “Once again, you’re crashing my place. Without explanation, mind you.”
Dazai stared up at the red head, knowing full well no matter what he said Chuuya wouldn't believe him, yet he knew he couldn't tell him the truth. He wouldn't drag Chuuya down with him, not after Chuuya built a life in the mafia. So he smiled cryptically towards his partner, "It almost sounds like you care about me."
“Please tell me boy
Can you get a clue
Or come through
Cause I just wanna be with you”
The two of them continued back and forth for a while, Chuuya trying to get Dazai to admit why he was there and Dazai firmly avoiding the question. The ginger was quickly getting exasperated with the avoidance and lies, “Either you tell me or you go back to where you came from.”
Panic flashed in Dazai’s eyes for a second before he reigned his emotions in, “Isn’t a dog supposed to be loyal to their master? Chibi is so mean to kick me to the curb on such a stormy night.” On the inside he was begging for Chuuya to read between the lines, just enough to realize that Dazai didn’t want to be alone tonight, but not enough to realize why.
Chuuya narrowed his eyes at the soaking man in front of him, wishing he could read him better, wishing Dazai could be more open and trust him with things he’s feeling. Silence stretched between them, the tension was palpable, Dazai praying that Chuuya wouldn’t realize the true reason why he was here and Chuuya praying Dazai could be honest with him.
“Fine.” Chuuya drained another glass of wine, put the glass on the counter, and started back towards his bedroom, “You can take the couch.”
“Awww Chibi does care!” Dazai crowed from his perch on the couch, “Though you should take the couch and I get the comfort of the bed.”
Chuuya growled at his intruder, “I don’t want you to leave your mackerel smell in my nice sheets.” He turned around as he reached his door, “Now go to sleep you damn beanpole.”
Dazai watched as Chuuya shot him one last glare before he disappeared into the bedroom. He continued to watch the door until he heard the shower turn on, then felt all his energy leave, relieved that Chuuya didn’t push too hard for his reasons. Dazai dragged a hand over his face, wishing he didn’t feel this way, wishing it didn’t hurt so much to keep it from Chuuya, wishing he didn’t have to leave Chuuya behind. A small voice in his head screamed that Chuuya deserved to know, deserved to make his own decisions about the subject, but he tamped that down, reasoning that Chuuya didn’ need to be dragged down by even the knowledge of Dazai’s feelings. Chuuya was too good , too good for the mafia, too good for all the suffering he’d gone through, too good for Dazai .
“I’m scared
Of telling you how I feel
Maybe
It’s better
If I just try to conceal
The truth
For me
And for you”
Dazai didn’t sleep a wink that night, spending every second in turmoil over the man in the room down the hall. He stared at the ceiling, debating on what to do next, what he was going to do with his mind made up on leaving the mafia. The clock on the wall showed 4am when Dazai couldn’t do it anymore. He dragged himself up and started to gather up any trace of himself from Chuuya’s apartment, and with one last longing look at the closed bedroom door, he slipped out.
Leaving the building, Dazai sees Chuuya’s car parked next to the sidewalk and he has an idea. He wants to make sure that Chuuya wouldn’t be possibly implicated in Dazai’s defectment, and that Chuuya would give up on him completely. As much as it hurts, Dazai wants Chuuya to despise him, wants Chuuya to think Dazai despises him, wants Chuuya to think anything other than the truth. With this in mind, he quickly wires up an explosive under the ginger’s car, one that was more for show rather than to hurt. He didn’t want to kill the poor man, just wanted to ruin his car. With a satisfied look at his work, Dazai started down the street, not even trying to shelter himself from the light rain drizzling from the sky.
Please. Let Chuuya give up on him. Let Chuuya continue his life in the mafia and may he be safe. Let Chuuya simmer with hate for his partner former partner. Let Chuuya live his best life without Dazai holding him back. Let Chuuya be better without Dazai.
“But I’m still stuck on you”
Over the next four years of hiding, Dazai can’t help but keep tabs on his former partner. While he was ordered to lay low, stay away from anyone he’d known previously, Dazai still finds himself on the streetside outside Chuuya’s apartment, watching the shadow in the windows. Finds himself sitting in the back corner of the bar Chuuya frequents, watching him down glass after glass of red wine. And every year, on Chuuya’s birthday, he leaves something at his door, often a bottle of Chuuya’s favorite drink. He knows it’s not a good idea, that it’s a downright bad idea, that he could be found or these actions could be traced back to him, but Dazai just can’t stop. He had hoped that overtime the feelings that he harbored would fade and disappear, hoped that seeing Chuuya live on without him would kill the butterflies that made their home in his stomach. He was wrong.
Everything came to head when he ended up face to face with the ginger in the dungeons of the Port Mafia. He had come for information about the bounty of Atsushi’s head, and he could’ve left at any moment, but he delayed. Delayed long enough because he knew that Chuuya would come to see him down there. He knew he shouldn’t but he needed the closure.
Sure enough, the familiar sound of Chuuya’s footsteps filled his ears and Dazai felt his heartbeat pick up against his will. His breath caught in his throat as the ginger came into his full view. Scanning the face of his former partner, Dazai knew he was screwed. Those feelings that he prayed would fade, didn’t. They had only gotten worse, had only gotten stronger. Shit.
“I
I’m still falling for you
…for you”
It was exhilarating to fight alongside Chuuya once again. Facing down the two Guild members with Chuuya just felt right. While the two of them were still technically enemies, Dazai knew that Chuuya still had his back, and it was comforting. As the fight escalated and Chuuya gave Dazai the knowing look that they needed to step things up, a thrill went though Dazai. Seeing corruption again was as beautiful as the last time he’d seen it. Seeing Chuuya let go and put full trust in Dazai to bring him back was paralleled by no other feeling. The destruction wrought by Arahabaki was breathtaking, Dazai felt as though he could watch it forever, it was a twisted kind of artwork that Dazai was so drawn to. However, he had a job to do. As Lovecraft was defeated, Dazai knew it was his time to step in. With a light grasp of Chuuya’s darkened wrist, he brought the ginger back to reality, and he saw a slight smile as Chuuya came back and met Dazai’s eyes.
The small upturn of lips aimed towards him sent a feeling of bittersweetness spiking through him. As they stared at each other for a second, Chuuya went limp in his arms as he succumbed to the exhaustion of using corruption. With a soft smile, Dazai held him close for a second before laying him easily onto the ground. With a quick search, Dazai retrieves Chuuya’s jacket, gloves, hat, and any other belongings that had gotten thrown around in the chaos. Placing them neatly next to Chuuya’s unconscious form, Dazai sent a text to the mafia from Chuuya’s phone requesting immediate pickup and extraction. With the knowledge that Chuuya had someone to come pick him up, Dazai placed a featherlight kiss on Chuuya’s forehead and whispered to deaf ears,
“I love you Chibi.”