Chapter Text
Mary’s chest was warm against his own. It was heavy, weighted, pining Sirius down in place. Sirius wanted to shift her just so, only so he could have at least an inch of space to breathe. He almost did it, his hands moving to her waist and gripping it tight, but he halted his pursuit at her breathy moan. She kissed him with more force. He couldn’t exactly say she kissed him harder or with more passion , she simply applied more pressure. Her chest dragged up his as she nudged up and pried his mouth open with her tongue. Sirius squealed indignantly at her boldness, which she must have mistook as a sign of his arousal. If her mouth wasn’t already being put to use, he knew she’d be wearing the most condescending, self satisfied smirk. Sirius liked that about Mary, he liked her brazen confidence, her ability to enter any situation and still feel in control. Though, perhaps he should correct himself. He liked this feature on Mary when she was using it on other blokes. He enjoyed seeing how she made them squirm, how she could bat her eyes and curl her hair and get anything she wanted. When she did it to Sirius, however... well, let's just say Sirius wasn’t impressed. Sirius wanted to roll his eyes at her arrogance, she wasn’t that good of a kisser. He was barely turned on. He couldn’t possibly fathom what she could be so pleased about.
Mary worked him harder, and Sirius felt as if she were trying to get him to swallow her whole, as if she wanted to crawl into his mouth and live there for the rest of eternity. Sirius grunted at the thought, the familiar itch of discomfort raking down his chest.
Sirius didn’t know where to put his hands (which he quickly removed from her waist after the moaning incident). He kept them safely secured to the back of her arms, stroking tiny circles there. She didn’t seem to like that, and yanked his hands down so she could place them firmly on her arse. He gasped at the move, making her break off from his lips with a snicker.
“You’re sweet,” she giggled, before leaning back in. Sirius harrumphed, but couldn’t do much more than that with Mary occupying his lips.
He absently wondered how much longer they were going to go at it. It’s not that he didn’t want to snog Mary, it was just unexpected. Mary was a mate, and surely there were guys much more porfficent at snogging than Sirius (who’d still not quite gotten the hang of it, despite his reputation). He supposed it made some sense, it was his 17th birthday afterall. So, Mary had pulled him upstairs, away from the party, to give him his gift- or so she claimed - and Sirius somehow found himself horizontal, splayed out on his bed, without a single say in the matter. As Mary licked into his mouth, he wondered when she would stop snogging him and give him his gift already.
“Mary, Mary,” Sirius tried to pull away.
“Yes dear?” She replied breathily, moving her leg up to cover his crotch.
“What about my gift?”
Mary snickered, and dropped her head into the crook of his neck.
“You’re funny,” She sighed, nestling into his chest. She brought a finger up to lazily trace his cheek.
Sirius scowled into her hair.
Girls were confusing. Always saying one thing then meaning something else. Girls often approached him for one thing or another- and Sirius was glad to assist- but for some reason it always ended with snogging. Why did it always end with snogging?
Just last week, Emmeline Vance had asked for help in charms. They didn’t even pull out their wands before she jumped him in the back of the library.
At the end of last year, Farah Howard, a Hufflepuff prefect, had given him detention for a prank Sirius didn’t even remember pulling. When he arrived she cornered him in the back of the classroom and began snogging him without even asking.
Even Lily Evans, way back in second year, had stolen a kiss from Sirius. She had said she wanted her first kiss to be enjoyable, and that Sirius had the best reputation in their year for pleasing the ladies.
What reputation? Sirius internally scoffed. He certainly didn’t think he deserved one now, let alone in second year.
Not that he’d ever admit that.
No, he would take every girl that threw themselves at him in stride. He would show them a good time when his attention span allowed it, and would brag ceaselessly to the marauders afterwards. So what if he embellished his role in these rendezvous? The rumour mill kept turning, and Sirius’ untouchable, heartthrob status only grew. Of course, he would never call himself a heartthrob, but when Remus had sarcastically thrown the term around last year, Sirius couldn’t help but wear it as a badge of honour. Sirius could never refuse being the centre of attention, even when he really should.
Mary’s itchy, distracting writhing drew him back to the current situation. Mary was a good friend, and this wasn’t their first tumble together, but Sirius was rather put off by what he was realising to be Mary's “gift.” He wanted to hang with the lads. They had been having such a lovely time, getting absolutely shitfaced, dancing on table tops, playing childish party games. Sirius couldn’t help but petulantly resent Mary for taking that away from him, on his birthday no less. Sirius just wanted a moment where he wasn’t being groped, if he was being honest. But how could he ever voice something like that?
“Sirius?” Mary asked in concern, “is something wrong? You’ve gone all… limp.”
Sirius blushed at the implication.
“No,” Sirius grit, “I’m here. Let’s keep going.” He went to kiss her again, but she pulled further away, rolling off him completely. She eyed him hesitantly as she sat up. A tiny, bashful smile graced his features.
“Happy birthday, Sirius,” she said softly, “let's call it a night, yeah? It’s been a big day for you.”
Sirius smiled gratefully, and watched as Mary straightened herself out. She flattened her springy curls, and pulled at the wrinkles in her silk slip top.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Sirius nodded and burrowed deeper into the bed. Mary waved, and exited the dorm.
“One,” he said to himself, pulling out his pointer finger, “two,” his middle finger joined the count, “thr-”
“Merlin’s saggy balls!” James came slamming into the dorm, “I think you might actually be a god. A literal, living, sex god. You didn’t even do anything, and you had Mary in the palm of your hands. I bow to you, good sir, I bow!”
James dropped to his knees, and began fanning Sirius with his arms.
Peter, who scurried into the room after James, joined him in the act.
“Teach me, Obi-wan,” Peter wailed, “teach me your sex god ways.”
Sirius recognized the reference from that muggle picture Moony was always going on about. On principal, Sirius refused to like the movie; Sirius should be the only star related thing to fascinate Moony like that. Still, he allowed Peter the reference, knowing it made Sirius out to be much wiser and older than he felt.
“Gather round,” Sirius declared, “I shall share with you the tale of how I conquered Miss Mary Mac-”
Remus stuck his head into the room, a scowl already painted on to his features. Sirius shut up immediately, knowing Remus would nag him for how he was about to talk about Mary.
“It’s safe to come in, then?” Remus asked, the disgust barely hidden in his voice.
“Come in, Moony!” Peter chirped as he scooted to sit at the bottom of Sirius’ bed, “Padfoot was about to tell us about Mary’s gift .”
Peter waggled his eyebrows, James accompanied it with a childish oooooo.
“Again?” Remus made his way towards his own bed, “haven’t you perverts heard enough of Sirius’ sexescapades by now?”
“But Mary’s one of the fittest girls in our year,” Peter groaned, “and all Sirius had to do was look at her. He looked at her and she came flocking to him, it was- was- magical.”
Remus shook his head at the boys and turned his back on them.
“C’mon, Mooooony,” Sirius drawed out the nickname playfully, “don’t you want to hear how Mary threw herself at me? How she pinned me to the bed, got on her knees and-”
“I absolutely do not want to hear any of that,” Remus bristled, “and you shouldn’t want to share. How would it make you feel if Mary went around telling everyone the dirty details?”
Sirius shrugged and crossed his arms behind his head.
“It’s not like the girls don’t already do that. Everyone talks. There’s no such thing as privacy at Hogwarts.”
Remus eyed him wearily, and shook his head.
“If you say so.”
“I do,” Sirius sat up defiantly, “now, where was I? Ah, yes, Mary shoved me on to the bed, crawled up over me, and basically dragged her tits over my-”
“For god's sake Sirius!” Remus growelled, “can you have a little tact? That’s our friend you’re talking about.”
“ Who cares, Moony!” James yelped, tugging at his hair, “Sirius felt up a girl in this very dorm. Our dorm has been christened, it’s been given new life. With this frisky snog, Sirius has opened a door for all of us. The Marauders dorm will be barren no longer! Long are the days of midnight shower wanks, soon our dorm will be overflowing with young ladies ready to-”
“Yes, thank you, James, you’ve painted your delusional picture quite well,” Remus drawled. He changed into his bed wear, tugged open the drapes of his bed, and looked back at James scathingly. “You do know that Lily’s not going to magically snog you just because Sirius and Mary hooked up, right?”
“I’ll have you know I’ve moved on from Lily Evans,” James sniffed, “ the world is my oyster. I shan’t be tied down on one woman ever again! But that’s besides the point. You should be cheering Sirius on. He became a man today, a man who maybe had sex,” James paused, looking to Sirius for confirmation, Sirius shook his head, “who might have sex soon! It’s a big deal!”
“From the sounds of it, he’s been becoming a man every day for the last two years,” Remus grumbled.
“Careful, Moony,” Sirius smirked, stretching out his body so it was on full, relaxed display, “keep acting so stroppy and someone might think you’re in love with me.”
Remus, whose eyes had followed Sirius’ stretch down to his naval, snapped them back up to Sirius’. His eyes flared, jaw tightly clenched.
“Yeah, Moony,” Peter jeered, “you’re not in love with Padfoot, are you?”
“Nah, he’s probably in love with Mary, ” James added.
Remus clenched his fists around his drapes, his face impassive, yet his eyes burned holes into Sirius’ soul.
“As if,” Sirius found himself saying, turning his attention to James and Peter “you think Moony would choose MacDonald over me? I’m way hotter than her.”
“In your dreams, Pads,” Peter snorted.
“It’s true!” Sirius declared, “I bet Moony thinks I’m the fittest lad in the school, what with my slim waist, rippling muscles, and roguish good looks.”
“Humble as ever, Pads,” James chuckled.
“Right, Moony?” Sirius turned his teasing grin back to Remus. It quickly fell off his face as he took in Remus’ harrowing, downtrodden expression. He swallowed, wishing Remus would do something, say something. Anything but that ghastly, desolate face. “Right… Moony?” he prompted again, voice smaller than he would have liked.
Remus’ eyes tracked Sirius, and he pursed his lips.
“Am I really so transparent, Padfoot?” He eventually replied, voice empty.
He turned then, climbing into his bed with a flourish.
Sirius watched him retreat into the bed, and swallowed down a guilt he couldn’t name.
Long after the lads had fallen asleep, Sirius lay awake in his bed, staring up at his canopy. He didn’t understand why he made any decision that he did. Sometimes, he even wondered if he had any thoughts at all. He was so reckless and impulsive, he often wondered if he was missing the part of the brain that told him to think rationally. If he hadn’t just spent the last 2 hours overthinking every action of the night, he’d be convinced he was incapable of having a single thought.
Why had he let Mary kiss him for so long, why did he let her do it when he didn’t even enjoy it? Why did he let any girl do it?
Why did he brag to the boys, why was he so crass about it? Why did he pick on Remus, and more importantly, why did he feel bad about it?
They picked on Remus all the time; they all picked on each other. And it’s not like he and Remus were particularly close, at least not in the way he and James were. But Sirius liked Remus, and he knew he should be kind to the boy, given his condition and all. But after the revelation of Remus’ lycanthropy back in third year, Remus practically begged them to pick on him, to not treat him any differently. So then why did Sirius feel so bad?
Maybe because Remus was always more gentle than the rest of the lads. More understanding. He could sit through a million of Sirius’ self-sabotaging fits without blinking an eye. He was patient, and he was calm, and Sirius knew Remus had been teased about his sexuality since first year due to this very nature.
Sirius knew all this. And yet he teased Remus anyway. He made Remus shut down. Maybe that’s why Sirius felt so bad- because he was actually at fault for once. Remus had been perfectly right in asking Sirius to stop objectifying their shared friend, and what had Sirius done? Implied he was gay and said he was lusting after his dorm mate.
Sirius groaned and kicked his sheets off, knowing what he had to do. He shuffled over to Remus bed, the November night air chilling him to his bones. Sirius skittered across the floor in nothing but his pants, rushing to find warmth. He’d planned on approaching Remus’ bed carefully, asking kindly if they could speak so he could apologise. However, by the time he made it across the room, Sirius was freezing his balls off and needed warmth immediately .
When he made it to Remus’ bed, he threw the drapes open and leapt inside, howling as the open window by Remus’ bed breathed in a particularly sharp blast of air. He landed on all fours, his hands and knees surrounding Remus’ body. Sirius left knee slotted between Remus’ thighs, shoving up against Remus’… private area.
The sudden sound, movement, and touch had Remus spluttering from sleep. He jolted with a gasp, flinching upwards. Flinching… it …up Sirius’ thigh. Sirius didn’t have much time to contemplate the action or the way it made his stomach stir- as Remus quickly responded to the intrusion.
“Sirius what the fuck?” He shouted, shoving Sirius on his chest, “get out!”
“Shh, shh, Moony,” Sirius scrambled, clamping a hand over Remus’ mouth, “you’ll wake everyone up!”
Remus’ insults were muffled by Sirius’ hand, but his eyes said everything Sirius needed to know. Remus writhed under Sirius, attempting to knock him off. Sirius couldn’t help but notice how he took much more enjoyment in Remus' writhing than he had in Mary’s… Sirius shook the thought off, and removed his hand.
“Budge up,” Sirius hissed, swatting at Remus’ knees.
“What are you-“ Remus cut off as Sirius shoved him onto his side, and then scrambled under Remus’ blankets until his knees were brushing up against the back of Remus’ thighs “doing,” Remus finally finished, but accommodated for Sirius’ presence nonetheless.
Sirius continued to wiggle, finding it hard to settle in without spooking Remus more than he already had.
“Would you stop it,” Remus snapped, reaching behind him to clasp Sirius’ arm, keeping him still. “What are you doing , Sirius? It’s the middle of the bloody night!”
“I’m apologising,” Sirius whined. Remus snorted.
“And you had to wake me up to do that?”
“Well I couldn’t very well apologise to your unconscious body. Be a bit creepy, wouldn’t it?”
“Certainly no creepier than waking up to you looming over my body like a sex crazed madman.”
“That is not what happened!” Sirius replied indignantly.
“I’m just telling you what I saw.”
“You’re horrible.”
“And you’re supposed to be apologising.”
Sirius groaned, and flopped onto his back, taking up more of Remus’ bed than Remus himself.
“I’m sorry, Moony,” he moaned, “I shouldn’t have spoken about Mary like that.” He paused, then added much more sombrely, “and I shouldn’t have spoken about you like that, either.”
Sirius watched Remus’ back inhale and exhale deeply.
“If I accept your apology, will you promise to never wake me up like that again?”
Sirius bit down his smile and nodded, knowing Remus would feel the movement on his pillow.
“I promise, Moony,” he whispered, bringing a gentle, reassuring touch to Remus’ waist.
As expected, Remus shrugged him off instantly, squirming away from his hand. Remus had never been one for physical touch- especially from Sirius. It was a hard thing to adjust to at first. From day one, James had been just as affectionate as Sirius, if not more, and Peter was always down for a quick cuddle on the couch if it meant he was getting attention. But not Remus. Never Remus. Sirius and Remus just didn’t have that kind of relationship.
Remus groaned, stretching to reach something from under his bed. When he found it, he scooted up on the bed, leaning up against the headboard.
“You’re such a wanker,” he said without any bite, tossing an item onto Sirius' chest.
Sirius looked at him with wide eyes, then down to his chest where a tiny item wrapped in brown paper lay. Sirius hesitantly sat up to mirror Remus’ position, and picked up the present.
“Go on, open it,” Remus nudged Sirius, and honestly that brief touch could have been a gift all on its own.
“What is it?”
“Open it up and find out, dummy.”
“No- I mean… you got me a present?”
Remus’ eyes softened and he nodded, watching Sirius carefully.
“I meant to give it to you during the party, but then… yeah. So I thought I’d keep it to myself, but since you’ve been such a good boy-”
Sirius shoved Remus and laughed.
“You were going to steal my birthday present? That’s awful!”
“Awful punishment fits the awful crime.”
“You’re horrible. I hate you.”
“Come up with an original insult for once, would you?”
Sirius kicked Remus’ leg.
“Be nice to me!” Sirius cried through a broad grin, “it’s my birthday!”
“Not anymore,” Remus sang, and snatched the gift out of Sirius’ hand, “it’s November 4th now. Suppose you’ll just have to open this next year-”
Remus’ preferences be damned, Sirius tackled him. He ruffled Remus’ hair, tickled at his sides, smothered his head in Sirius’ chest. He attacked the boy with every non violent move he had. Remus giggled underneath him, not even trying very hard to stave off the attacks. Sirius felt electric; giddy. This was far better than any gift.
Sirius had always felt that Remus used touch as a way to put walls around himself. It was how he showed his distrust in people, it was how he told people that he liked, or more often than not, did not like them. Remus had never willingly bestowed a touch on Sirius, at least, never in a way that mattered. But right here, right now, it felt as if he was finally getting through, as if he was getting a peak at the real Moony, the Moony that didn’t have to hide under so many walls of indifference.
He much preferred this Moony- the Moony who didn’t shy away from his touch, the one who encouraged it with his golden laughs and teasing smile. If only this could be a mainstay of their friendship, he imagined he’d have a much deeper bond with Remus.
Finally, Sirius snatched the package out of Remus’ hands. He leaned back, out of Remus’ reach, and tore into it. He was still straddling Remus, but he refused to move until Remus explicitly told him to.
Remus’ hands tentatively held onto Sirius’ waist. Not to move him, not to attack, just to lay there comfortably. Sirius inhaled sharply and looked at Remus over the package he was half done unwrapping.
Remus looked caught, his face flushed and twisted with anxiety. He huffed a shaky laugh, and patted Sirius awkwardly.
“Get off, you tosser,” he mumbled softly.
Sirius did, swinging his leg lavishly over Remus until he had settled into his previous position against the headboard.
Sirius threw the last of the wrapping away. In his hands he held a large, flat, greenish brown stone, with unfamiliar markings carved into it. He traced the symbols absentmindedly, utterly confused as to why Remus got this for him. He noticed the top of the stone had a hole carved in it with a long piece of twine looped through it.
Sirius smirked, and eyed Remus playfully.
“You got me jewellery for my birthday? When did you become such a bloody girl?” He teased.
Remus’ open, light face quickly crumbled, darkening at the words.
“If you don’t want it I’ll just take it back-“ Remus tried to grab the stone out of Sirius’ hand, but Sirius was quicker, and pulled it out of reach.
“No! I- I didn’t mean it-“
“I don’t know why you have to turn everything into a bloody joke, Sirius,” Remus grumbled moodily, “this is why I don’t do things like this for you. Just give it back and we can pretend like I never gave it to you.”
“No!” Sirius yelped desperately, “No, please Moony, I’m sorry. I like it, I swear.”
Remus eyed him wearily, crossing his arms over his chest, his eyebrows and lips still ticked downwards.
“Tell me about it?” Sirius asked softly, not breaking eye contact, “what do the symbols mean?”
Remus hesitated for many minutes, assessing if Sirius’ interest was genuine. When he got the answer he wanted Remus sighed, and began to talk.
“Well, I’m not actually certain on what it means, but I thought you’d find the story behind it cool.”
“Go on.”
“My dad found it, on an expedition up north, where all those old dinosaur footprints are, you know?”
Sirius nodded. Lyall Lupin was a wizarding archeologist, and a part time pickpocket. He often took small, unimportant tokens from the sights he visited. This past summer, he’d been in Scotland looking at neolithic covens, examining how wizards used magic before wands were commonplace. Sirius would never admit this to anyone, but he thought Mr. Lupin and his job were wickedly cool, and even started his own collection of magical artefacts as a result. Currently, his collection consisted of the wand James had snapped in first year and a defunct chocolate frog card, but it was a collection nonetheless.
He thought he’d been rather subtle about his interest in Mr. Lupin’s excavations. After all, it wasn’t cool to care about something academic- but obviously Remus had cottoned on to his newfound passion.
“It looks like a standard set of runes, right?" Remus gestured to the engravings, "But it’s actually an amalgamation of a few. So we think each individual symbol actually has lines from other runes, making them completely unique. It’s fascinating, right? Like, this comes from a time before we had a shared written language, before we had a code for deciphering runes. This coven had already created a sort of alphabet of their own, and were able to create their own, specialized runes. It’s nearly indecipherable now.”
Remus shifted up and twisted towards Sirius, his eyes lighting with passion.
“Basically, you would have had to have been there when the rune was cast to know what part was taken from another. And obviously, since no one is alive from that era… it just kind of exists as a reminder of how intelligent and persevering our kind has been throughout time- how we’ve existed in so many different ways across time, but have always been resilient and capable of using our magic. It kind of overwhelms me, but in a good way. I thought you might feel the same way?”
“Totally,” Sirius breathed, looking back at the stone in awe.
“I also thought you’d have fun trying to crack the code,” Remus smiled, “Da reckons it’s purpose was to be something akin to dreamcatcher, but I recognize this curved line here,” he reached over Sirius to point at a small part of it, “as part of a rune that prevents stress. It's a rather unique carving so it was easy to parse out.”
Sirius chuckled brightly, and looked at Remus in wonder.
“You got me a puzzle for my birthday,” he snickered, “that is such a you thing to do.”
“A magical puzzle with a rich history and intriguing mystery,” Remus clarified.
“Again. So you. ”
Remus grinned bashfully, and looked down at his hands.
“I love it,” Sirius said earnestly, putting the string around his neck. He lay back into the bed, resting his head on Remus’ shoulder. He knew he was pushing it with the physical touch tonight- but he couldn’t quite stop himself. When Remus didn’t immediately stiffen or throw him off, Sirius relaxed further into him.
“Tell me another of your Da’s stories?” Sirius yawned.
Remus chuckled, but agreed, lulling Sirius to sleep with the fascinating finds Mr. Lupin had discovered over the years.
Sirius fell asleep like that, lined against Remus, head on his shoulder. Sirius couldn’t quite remember the last time he had been so comfy.
----
Sirius was walking from divination to potions. It was a ghastly, irritating walk- much too long and involved for his tastes, made worse by the fact that he was the only marauder who took divination, meaning he couldn’t even have the lads as company for the harrowing trek.
Sirius smoothed his thumb over the stone in his pocket, replaying the stories Remus had told him last night. He wasn’t sure why he took it to his courses, but he felt oddly attached to the artefact.
He was lost in his own world, recounting the highlights of last night. He thought of the party, of getting pissed out of his mind, of Mary… and yet his brain couldn’t stop circling back to that quiet moment with Remus in his bed. He wished Remus would let him spend the night more often. Sirius slept over with James and Peter all the time, but Remus would kick him out even as Padfoot. Him and Remus could be a surprisingly good fit, if last night was anything to go by. Both slim and tall, they fell asleep like sardines in a can, not intruding on each other's spaces like Peter, who likes to cuddle, or James, who is a notorious blanket hog.
“Is it true, Black?” someone sneered, bringing Sirius from his reverie. He flinched and looked around him, but he was alone in the corridor.
“Wouldn’t you like to know, Malfoy,” Sirius shivered at his brother's taunting drawl. Sirius finally spotted the pair, tucked behind a statue. Sirius flattened himself to the wall so he could eavesdrop better.
“Go on then,” Malfoy demanded, “show us your arm.”
Sirius’ insides squeezed. Surely he didn’t mean…
“Sod off Malfoy,” Regulus said sharply, “I don’t have to show you anything.”
“What, is little baby Black scared?” Malfoy teased. When Regulus didn’t respond, he huffed, and bitingly continued, “I don’t know what your deal is. We’re on the same side.”
“Leave it, Malfoy.”
“ No. Either you have the dark mark or you don’t. So you better show me soon, or I’ll-”
“You’ll what, Lucius? What?” Regulus snapped, before lowering his voice into a sharp whisper, “Maybe I don’t want the whole school knowing I got the fucking dark mark, Lucius. Maybe I don’t want to go gallivanting around, making enemies before I have to. You know what he says. We need to be subtle, for now at least.”
Sirius’ knees gave way, and he had to hold on to the wall just to stay upright. No, this could not be happening. Sirius had left home this previous summer, for good , but he thought he still had time to save Reggie. He had time to get him out, he had-
“It’s just me, no one’s around,” Malfoy retorted, “who’s going to see?” There was some shuffling, and it sounded like Malfoy had just snatched Regulus by the wrist.
Sirius couldn’t breathe. His lungs had turned to stone, and he just needed to breathe.
He ran from the scene, tumbling down the hall only to come into a corridor filled with students transferring courses. There were so many people, and so little space, and Sirius couldn’t breathe.
He ran and shoved through the crowd, unsure of where he was going. His fist tightened around the stone, pulling it out of his pocket and holding it over his heart, as if that would keep it from failing. Sirius faltered, and spotted a broom cupboard across the hall. He sprinted over, threw himself inside, and shut his eyes. He clutched the stone like it was his last life line- like it was the only thing that could keep him tethered to reality.
Regulus had taken the dark mark, and given himself a death sentence. There was a war on the horizon, and no matter who won, Sirius was sure Regulus wouldn’t make it out alive. Regulus was an arsehole most of the time, but he was good in his heart, Sirius knew this. He knew his brother. He would never survive this.
A few tears slipped down Sirius’ cheeks, and his heart squeezed even harder. Regulus had gone and changed everything now. Sirius wished he could skip forward 20 years, skip over this moment, the war, skip to a time where he knew the ending- knew Regulus was safe. Sirius had never been so desperate to escape this moment. He needed reassurance, he needed to know things would be okay.
Sirius felt his gut twist, his body lurch, like he was apparating. The nerves were affecting his stomach now, and Sirius whimpered at the thought of spending the rest of the day anxiety-puking in the dorm. Sirius squeezed his eyes tighter, blocking out all light, in an attempt to stable himself. He breathed in shakily, and-
“Hey, are you alright?” A deep male voice whispered into his ear. Sirius relaxed instantly. He recognized that voice, yet it felt so unfamiliar; changed, somehow.
Someone squeezed his shoulder.
“Sirius?”
Sirius opened his eyes slowly, and jolted at the sight in front of him.
He was sitting at a brightly lit dining room table. The stone he had been gripping had morphed into a fork. Across from him was none other than James Potter, except it wasn’t James at all. Or- it was , but not the James that he knew. This James was at least 30, his hair had finally smoothed out, and was cut close to his head. His glasses were stylish- round and slim, and he’d bulked up quite a bit. This was the body of a man, not the boy Sirius knew.
James was looking at him nervously.
“You’re scaring us, Padfoot,” he laughed anxiously.
Sirius gulped. The hand on his shoulder trailed down to his elbow, before removing itself completely. Sirius turned to his right, where the touch had come from, and gasped.
The most striking man sat next to him. Sirius didn’t usually find men striking, but there was no other word to use. He was otherworldly. He was tan, which complemented his golden brown hair. His hair looked so soft, so bouncy, as it curled around his ears, Sirius wanted nothing more than to run his fingers through it. The man had a thick, well groomed moustache, and unbelievably vibrant pink lips. His hazel eyes leaned more into green, standing out against his golden complexion in the most enticing way. Sirius could do without the little half moon glasses perched on the man’s nose, but besides that he seemed practically perfect. Even the faded, silver scars across his face only added to his beauty, making him seem more ethereal and delicate and-
Sirius stopped. His mouth dropped open as he finally recognized the hunk of a man next to him.
“ Moony?” He gasped.
Remus smiled at him widely, his eyes squinting in the process. Yes, that was definitely Moony. His stoic resting face had thrown Sirius off, but that large, all consuming grin solidified things.
“I’m here,” Remus responded reassuringly, reaching out and squeezing Sirius’ hands briefly.
Sirius looked back and forth between the older versions of his friends, and swallowed thickly. He knew he reacted poorly to Regulus’ news, but he didn’t think it would be enough to cause a psychotic break.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Remus continued, “or would you like a distraction?”
Sirius opened his mouth in an attempt to speak, but Remus started stroking his thumb across the back of Sirius’ hand, and it was so caring and lovely that Sirius lost all thought. He made a sort of grunting noise, and Remus nodded seriously, as if that was a perfectly fine response.
“Continue what you were saying, Prongs. How’s Harry taking to the broom lessons?”
James lit up at the mention of Harry , and Sirius had to bite down a wave of jealousy that someone who wasn’t Sirius could inspire such a reaction from him.
“Brilliant, he’s absolutely brilliant,” James breathed, “course, he’s been flying for 4 years already, thanks for that, by the way,” he looked pointedly at Sirius, who had no clue how to react, “but it’s good to see him with a bit more classical training. Makes it feel a bit more even when we play one on one.”
Remus snorted, bringing the hand that was holding Sirius’ up to cover his mouth.
“Surely, you’re not implying that you scrimmage with him the way you would with one of your teammates,” Remus laughed, James grinned guilty. “ James, at least tell me you let him win!”
“If I did that, he’d never have to work for it!”
Remus shook his head fondly.
“And how does Lily feel about you ganging up on her only son? I’m sad she couldn’t make it, but I understand her wanting to skip if she thought there’d be any more of that behaviour.”
James rolled his eyes, but grinned devilishly.
“I’ll have you know she is not put out by any of my behaviours. She thinks I’m a gentleman-”
“Sure,” Remus snorted.
“She is, however,” James continued as if Remus hadn’t spoken, “put out by the fact that it’s Petunia’s birthday. She’d have loved to come tonight, but you just know she would never hear the end of it if she skipped Petunia’s ‘35th trip around the sun .’ Merlin, it’s days like these I’m glad I’m an only child.”
“Oi!” Sirius said defensively. He didn’t mean to do it, but after all the talks of brotherhood James had given him over the summer, it was only fair to call out this untrue statement.
“Oops. Sorry, Pads,” James laughed.
Sirius nodded his acceptance of the apology, before he froze.
“Wait,” he said slowly, “Lily? Lily Evans?”
“Yes?”
“You’re with Lily Evans?”
James rolled his eyes fondly and smirked.
“Yes, Pads,” he said patiently, “I’m with Lily. We’re married. We have a child together. We’re in lovvveeee,” James crooned, “but please, continue to tease me about how unfathomable it is that we’re together. That never gets old.”
Sirius was stunned, now this confirmed he was having a psychotic break. There was no world in which Lily would ever settle for James.
Remus pushed himself up, and began collecting plates.
“Anyone up for dessert? Or should I leave it for now?”
“How are you still hungry, Moony?” James moaned, pushing back and patting his stomach, “I feel like we just ate a whole cow.”
“I was only asking,” Remus sniffed.
“I’ll take some,” Sirius found himself saying, wanting to see how far this psychotic break reached. Remus was a damn good baker when he wanted to be, and Sirius could use one of his treats right about now.
Remus smiled softly and headed into the kitchen.
Sirius watched him go, then took a moment to take in his surroundings.
The room they were in was painted a lovely, ocean blue with a white trim. Odd, vintage chachkies were strewn across the room, accompanied by a random assortment of art. It looked as if the owner had gone to a charity shop and bought all the art without taking a second glance. There were picture frames too, all holding muggle photos of the Marauders and Lily, as well as some of Lyall and Hope Lupin. Sirius smiled to himself. So this must be Remus’ future home. It was quite lovely, and Sirius felt deeply content to sit in the mismatched room. There was a large window on one of the walls, it looked out to a beach- the water the same colour as the paint on the walls.
Sirius sighed contently, feeling relaxed for the first time since he entered this odd, hyper realistic dream.
This peace was broken with the sound of James' sniggering.
“What?” Sirius said sharply.
“You are so soppy,” James replied, trying to hide his smile.
Sirius furrowed his brow and crossed his arms.
“How do you mean?”
James grinned broadly but changed the subject.
“So, how are things with you two, then? No trouble in paradise, I hope.”
“Er…” Sirius avoided eye contact. Why couldn’t this dream provide him with at least a little context.
“A lot of people say that it’s around the three year mark that things start to taper off. You get comfortable, there’s a lack of passion, a dry spell, if you will. I, of course, would know nothing about the phenomenon. Lily and I go at it so often I’m surprised we haven’t popped out another 80 kids. But you’ve been awfully quiet lately, not much the bragger you once were.”
Sirius was desperate to catch up. In this version of the future he was… married? In a long term relationship? He racked his brain for who his partner could be. He shuddered at the thought of it being Mary.
James let out a displeased grunt.
“C’mon, Pads. It’s not like you to be withholding. Back in school, you’d barely wait to finish before you lept in my bed to tell me all the lecherous things that were done to you,” James broke off with a shiver, “I definitely didn’t want to hear about it back then. But I do now. If somethings gotten between you and M-”
“Ta da!” Remus exclaimed as he reentered the dining room, holding a plate of little chocolate cakes, “Lava cake fresh out the oven, made by yours truly.”
Sirius ignored the sting he felt at James' words. It sounded like he was about to say Mary’s name… Sirius pushed aside the uncomfortable feeling wiggling inside him and focused on Remus’ dessert, licking his lips.
“Thanks, mate!” Sirius responded enthusiastically as Remus placed a cake in front of him.
Remus looked unimpressed with the appreciation, his lips thinning and eyes squinting.
“I’m your mate, now, am I?” Remus said flatly.
Sirius blushed, not sure how he’d messed up in so few words.
“Er.. no…” he began slowly, “you’re, uh, my… my best mate?”
Remus eyed him for a few more minutes, before snorting.
“Your best mate ? What are you, 17?” Remus smiled fondly.
Sirius grinned bashfully, very much 17 years old. But if Remus was asking, that must mean he didn't look 17. Sirius decided not to investigate the thought, rather choosing to dig into the delicious looking cake.
“ Holy shit,” Sirius exclaimed before he could stop himself. The intense chocolate flavour filled his mouth, his teeth crunched down on the chewier top. It was heavenly and exquisite and real . Sirius swallowed, feeling the food trickle down his oesophagus, and began to panic. This was not a dream, not a psychotic break. Sirius was actually here, in a real body, in the future .
“That good huh?” Remus smirked, taking a bite of his own cake.
Sirius looked down at his hands, his real, adult hands, that were covered in tattoos and a… wedding ring? Oh for fucks sake had he really gone and married Mary? Why would he do that?
“So,” Remus continued as he finished a bite, “what did I miss while I was preparing dessert?”
“Well, Sirius here was refusing to spill, so I guess I’ll ask you. How’s your sex life, Moony?”
Remus choked on his cake.
“No. Absolutely not.”
“C’mon,” James whined, “is it so bad to include your best friend in the gritty details of your sexual activities?”
“Yes.”
“Boo. You’re no fun.”
“What is it with you wanting the gritty details anyway?”
“Pads started it!” James cried, swinging his hand at Sirius. Sirius was too lost in his panic of how am I getting out of here to snap back, “if he hadn’t gone on and on about all his sexual exploits, I never would have taken up an interest.”
“Oh, yes, James. Please remind me of Sirius’ elaborate sexual history. Thank you so much for that.”
“You’re welcome, Moony. Now tell me, whose bumming who these days?”
Sirius, who had taken a large gulp of water in an attempt to calm himself, sputtered it all out. Misting James in the face.
James looked absolutely stricken. Sirius was about to apologise, before he saw the way Remus reacted. Remus bent over, cackling, with a wide, open mouthed grin. Sirius felt oddly proud for inspiring such a reaction.
Sirius might be having a panic attack over the situation, but he was really fond of the man Remus had become. He was completely uninhibited. He seemed self assured, confident, and had none of that weighed down look that so often plagued his teenage self.
James wiped the spit water from his face, and glared at Sirius.
“Was that really necessary?”
Sirius blinked, before a shit eating grin stretched over his face. He nodded eagerly.
“You can’t ask us questions like that, and not expect retaliation, Potter,” Remus laughed. He linked his hand into Sirius’ again. It was done so casually, so effortlessly. Sirius warmed at the idea that this is who they were now. People who shared simple, platonic touches.
Sirius relaxed into the dynamic, into the beachhouse. Who knew how long he’d be stuck here? He might as well enjoy observing the men his friends would become.
“Plus,” Remus smirked, eyes twinkling with mischief, “we all know who’s the bottom in this relationship.”
Sirius didn’t even hear James’ reaction. He didn’t hear anything at all, as a quiet buzzing filled his stunned ears. Sirius thought back to James’ initial question, which he’d been too shocked by to comprehend. Bumming it, bottoming…. was Remus… gay?
Remus coughed and looked at Sirius in alarm.
“Excuse me?” Remus asked, completely flabbergasted.
Sirius looked between the two men, who were both staring at him oddly. Apparently, he’d asked the question out loud.
“Sorry, I-” Sirius halted his attempts, and looked down at his hands with resignation, “sorry,” he said again, quietly.
No one said anything, and when he glanced back up, he saw James and Remus having some kind of fierce, non-verbal conversation with their eyes. Sirius never knew they were close enough to have that kind of understanding.
“Sirius,” Remus said slowly, turning his attention away from James, “are you having another episode?”
Remus moved a hand to Sirius’ shoulder, massaging into it soothingly. Sirius nearly groaned at the touch, who knew Moony had such great control over his fingers?
Sirius bit his lip, and looked at Remus apprehensively, unsure how to respond. Was he having an episode? If so, an episode of what? Had this strange bout of time travel happened before, without him knowing it?
Remus found the answer in Sirius’ face, and he softened immediately.
“Yes, Padfoot, I’m gay,” he said patiently.
Sirius felt as if he’d had the wind knocked out of him. Remus was gay. Had he always been? Was he gay right now, in 1976? If he was, why hadn’t he said anything? Why would he let Sirius tease him as he did- why did he not trust Sirius to tell him at all?
“Is, this, uh,” Sirius began, not sure where he was going with the sentence, “a recent development?”
Remus smiled coyly. He slid his hand down Sirius’ arm. He caught Sirius’ hand and dragged it up to his lips.
“No, love,” Remus kissed Sirius’ palm, “it’s not.”
Sirius reddened at the gesture. He thought the fizzing in his body was going to drive him insane. Is this why Remus was so giving with his touches in the future? Because he’d come out to the Marauders, and didn’t have to hide his sexuality, hide himself any more?
Sirius was glad Remus had come out, whenever that had been. Glad that it obviously went over well, given that they were all still here, sittin-
Sirius paused. He scowled. He looked at Remus, and James, and the empty fourth spot at the table. Where was Peter?
Remus bristled. James’ face grew stormy and dark.
Another question he voiced out loud, then.
“Oh dear,” Remus sucked the air through his teeth, and brought the back of his hand to feel Sirius’ forehead.
“How dare you mention that rat in front of me-” James bellowed, “after-”
“James,” Remus barked, shutting James down in a second. Remus ran out of the room, and came back with a blanket, wrapping it around Sirius’ shoulders.
“Moony, we have a rule-” James started to argue.
“Yes, a rule that doesn’t apply when he’s having an episode.”
Remus looked fearsome, reminding Sirius of a mama bear. He puffed his chest out, and glared at James, all the niceties of the early evening instantly fading away. James glowered right back, but he mostly looked hurt, scared. Not ready to deal with Remus at all.
“If he’d only go to therapy, we wouldn’t have to keep reliving this-”
“Enough,” Remus said harshly, “this is not the time or place for this conversation James.”
Remus finally sat back down, and dragged his chair over closer to Sirius. He cupped Sirius’ face in both hands, running his thumb over Sirius’ cheeks. His eyes were blazing and intense, and heated something in Sirius’ stomach.
“Are you with us, love?” He asked Sirius.
Sirius was too caught up in the action to catch the second use of the term.
“Sirius? Are you okay? Are you present?”
Sirius nodded. He was very present. He was too present.
Remus cursed under his breath and looked at James.
“Prongs, make us a cup of tea, would you? And can you get the potion for dreamless sleep, while you’re at it?”
James, the initial fury long out of him, nodded, and jumped up quickly to go to the kitchen.
Remus looked back at Sirius with a look of unabashed love and concern, it stole the breath out of Sirius’ lungs.
Remus always seemed to wear a poker face. Everything he did was impassive, expressionless. He never let a single stone crack through his wall. But this face was so open, so honest, Sirius never knew Remus could be so expressive, and he never wanted him to stop.
“I need verbal communication, Sirius, I need you to tell me you’re alright.” Remus whispered, his eyes watery.
Sirius was unnerved by this entire situation. What was wrong with his older self? Why did Remus seem so afraid of these episodes?
“Stay with me, Sirius,” Remus choked, bringing his forehead to rest against Sirius’, “you’re not back there. You’re safe. James and Lily and Harry are safe. ” Remus spoke as if from a script. Sirius focused on his warmth and proximity. He wanted to speak, and let Remus know he was fine, except for the whole magical time travel thing, but Sirius was selfish, and wanted to keep Remus within his space.
“You are Sirius Black, and you are sitting at your dining room table, eating your favourite dessert, with your favourite people.”
Remus' arms moved to embrace him. He shifted his head to tuck Sirius into his neck. His hand came up to hold Sirius’ head firmly. Sirius breathed in deeply. With Remus’ embrace and his chant-like words, he felt incredibly relaxed, incredibly wanted.
“You’re with me, Remus Lupin.”
Sirius sighed, and nuzzled into Remus’ neck.
“I am Remus Lupin, the boy who has been your best friend since your first year at Hogwarts.”
Sirius felt a familiar, sickening twist at his stomach.
“I am the boy you became an animagus for.”
Sirius shivered, felt his body bubble as if it were disappearing.
“I,” Remus said shakily, holding back a sob.
Sirius could feel himself being pulled away from the moment, could feel that same magic from before turning him inside out. Sirius desperately tried to cling to the moment. He needed to stay here, with this caring Remus. He needed to.
Darkness overcame Sirius’ vision, and he felt himself pulled from the moment, from reality entirely. As he bled between realities, he heard the last echo of Remus’ grounding words.
“I am the boy who has loved you since he was 13 years old.”