Archive of Our Own

“Head up, shoulders back, spine straight.”

Regulus looked to his mother, following her commands.

“Care you explain your transfiguration marks?”

“It was only one assignment, I’m sorry, Mother—”

“Excuses.” It was one word, but Walburga Black knew that was all it needed to be.

Regulus felt it, her disapproval washing over him. A wave thundering down, pushing him under, and filling his lungs.

“I’ll do better, Maman.”

“I know you will.”

There was nothing more to say to that, only the shame. A knot of pressure building in his throat.

“Reg?”

Regulus startled. “What?”

Pandora's face came into focus as Regulus looked up, her blue eyes wide, mouth curved downward in a frown. “I was asking how your Christmas was.”

“Oh,” Regulus swallowed. “It was fine, same as ever. Stuffy Christmas parties and lots of purebloods.”

Pandora’s nose scrunched up at that, her distaste clear. “I’m glad my parents never force me to go to those.” Though part of the sacred twenty-eight herself, Pandora’s parents were much less strict and traditional than the Blacks.

Secretly, Regulus thought there were far worse things than a Christmas party, but he nodded anyway. He preferred the party, it took some focus off of him and gave his mother less time with which to emotionally (or physically) destroy him.

At that, Evan began a rant about his own Christmas and pureblood events, which at Barty’s antagonizing, somehow turned into an argument on current dress robes styles. Their bickering filled the train compartment and Regulus tuned them out, trying to contain the bounce of his leg.

He hoped his restlessness wasn’t obvious, he didn’t need more questions. Regulus really tried to listen, but all he could feel was the knot of shame stuck in his throat and a jittery unease in his veins.

No one said it, but everyone knew this was the first Christmas without Sirius.

Regulus couldn’t stop thinking about what Sirius was doing at any given moment. The Potter’s house was probably warm. They probably all helped cook Christmas dinner and decorate the tree. It was probably filled with laughter and love, a fire always burning in the grate. Sirius must have fit right in, his ease apparent. Always able to lounge and laugh as if nothing mattered.

Regulus wasn’t like that. He could imagine himself there in that warm house, but he was always standing in the corner. Stiff, uncertain. Stuck on the outside, never able to smile. He didn’t have any warmth to give, Regulus Black wasn’t like that.

Pandora laughed at something Evan said and it sounded so easy for her. Regulus turned away to look out the train window, watching the countryside roll by in a blur as an overwhelming rush of emptiness filled him. His hands clenched in his lap; Regulus held his leg still even as it begged to bounce in his restlessness.

There was a fissure in Regulus’s chest. A jagged crack, splitting open with every breath. Every once in a while, Regulus had to reach between his ribs and push the two pieces back together, but it wasn’t working anymore.

Regulus inhaled, Pandora giggled, somebody ran down the train corridor, shouting in glee. Regulus wanted to break the window, to tear out his ribs, and use the jagged end to stab through his own throat.

Instead, he swallowed. Standing calmly as if he wasn’t two seconds from losing his mind.

“I’m going to the toilet,” Regulus muttered when his friends looked up, pushing open the compartment door and letting it slide shut behind him with a bang.

He didn’t need to weave past the students in the corridor, they moved to let him pass. It wasn’t respect, it wasn’t even because he was a prefect, Regulus scared people.

As Regulus moved further into the train he recognized his brother’s laughter instantly, muffled by the compartment door. He looked to his right, it wasn’t Sirius’s gaze he caught, but a pair of warm brown eyes, widening behind their glasses.

Regulus turned his head, quickening his steps, ignoring the sound of a compartment opening and footsteps following him.

He didn’t turn back to look, only continued to walk. The shadow on his heels didn’t dare to call after him, lest someone look out their compartment window and notice the interaction.

Finally, just as Regulus was sure something in him was about to snap if he didn’t get out of the damn corridor, he found an empty compartment and stumbled inside, letting the door slam. He fell to the ground, scooting into the corner and tucking his knees to his chest. Regulus dropped his head onto his knees taking a shaky breath.

A second later, the compartment opened. Regulus didn’t look up as he heard the door shut again and the shades being pulled over the window.

“Go away,” Regulus mumbled into his knees as the person stopped in front of him.

Of course, because Regulus wasn’t so lucky, they did not oblige. Instead, they sat on the floor in front of Regulus, hooking an arm under his knees and scooting in close, one knee pushing in between Regulus’s so they were tangled together. Regulus exhaled shakily as James Potter pressed his face to the side of Regulus’s head, a gentle hand coming to rest on the back of his neck.

“Hey,” James whispered.

“Please go away,” Regulus repeated again, his whisper ragged. They were so close the words barely needed to be louder than a breath for James to catch them.

“No.”

“You’re mad at me.”

“I was.”

“Then leave me alone.”

“Reg, Regulus,” James whispered, nudging his nose into Regulus’s hair. Nothing else, just his name whispered into the quiet, like it meant something bigger, more important than it did. There was a world of unspoken words between them, a divide that Regulus could feel growing with every day that passed.

Fifteen, while it may not have sounded much older than fourteen, it was. Regulus wasn’t fourteen anymore, he didn’t believe James when he said they’d be okay. At fifteen, he didn’t dare entertain fantasies, he didn’t delude himself. This would end, Regulus could feel it creeping up. A shadow lurking around every corner, hiding in every moment of happiness and seeping every argument in an indescribable bitterness.

“I’m not mad,” James whispered. “I didn’t mean it. I don’t think you’re cold or cruel and I shouldn’t have said that you were. It just frustrates him how easy it is for you to pretend to be. I hate that everyone thinks you’re someone you aren’t.”

“It keeps me safe,” Regulus spoke, the words contained and quiet. “Maybe I am that person. You don’t get it—”

“I know,” James interrupted. “I wish you’d let me.”

“I know.”

There was a silence after that and they sat together for a long time, probably longer than they should have. Eventually, Regulus knew someone would come looking for one of them and he pulled back, lifting his head.

James scrambled tentatively to his knees as Regulus straightened. Their gazes caught. They held it there, a live wire pulled taut between them until James exhaled and Regulus blinked.

James’s glasses were slightly crooked from pushing his face into Regulus’s and Regulus reached up, leaning forward slightly to use one finger to push James’s glasses back up his nose. James just watched him do it, gaze heavy. Then, as if something had snapped, there was a sudden shift and James was grabbing Regulus by the jaw and leaning down to kiss him hard.

Regulus gasped against James’s lips, the sudden kiss washing over him in a blazing rush. James kissed him like it mattered. Like if he could just push in close enough, bite Regulus’s lip hard enough, then maybe he could transfer whatever words he always swallowed down. Regulus never really knew what the intensity meant, I love you or I hate you.

Don’t hate me. Don’t hate me.

Regulus wanted to scream. He wanted to beg James to spit it out, to simply tell Regulus whatever he was really thinking. At the same time, Regulus wasn’t sure he could handle it. If James Potter ever hated him, Regulus thought he’d be sick with it. He thought he’d never get out of bed again.

So, Regulus didn’t ask, he’d never ask.

He wasn’t fourteen anymore, he wasn’t delusional. He was old enough to know that whatever the answer was, it would destroy him.

“You should get back,” Regulus muttered into James’s lips once he’d pulled back, just the smallest amount so they could breathe.

James made a sound of protest, pressing another quick kiss to Regulus’s lips before moving to his cheeks, kissing under his eye and then leaving another on his nose. Regulus’s face scrunched at that, and James huffed out a small laugh at his expression. As Regulus leaned back to take in James’s smile, the moment suddenly felt a little easier, like it was a year prior, and they didn’t fight more than they loved each other.

“Meet me in the Come and Go Room, tonight?”

“Can you sneak away?”

“I’ll manage, I’ve got your Christmas present.”

“James…” Regulus shook his head. “I told you not to get me anything.”

“And I ignored you,” James grinned, standing and brushing off his trousers. He bent to tug fondly on one of Regulus’s curls. “Just meet me after curfew, okay? I made it for you.”

“Fine,” Regulus agreed, refusing to smile even as James’s eyes brightened.

“Good, I’ll see you tonight.”

“Fix your hair,” Regulus instructed, as James turned to leave.

To no avail, James tried to flatten it down before shrugging carelessly. “Eh, it always looks like that.”

“You look like you’ve been snogged!” Regulus hissed as James opened the compartment door and James just sighed running his fingers through his hair again. It looked slightly better and so this time, Regulus let him leave.

The compartment door slid shut leaving Regulus alone in the silence. Without James’s small smile and warm eyes, Regulus suddenly felt cold in the emptiness he left.

A scream bubbled at the back of his throat.

Head up, shoulders back, spine straight. You’re not to be heard, you’re not to be loved. Only seen, respected, and feared. You’re a Black, behave as such.

Regulus swallowed down his scream. He didn’t make a sound.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Dorcas was looking at him. Regulus could feel her eyes, her gaze stuck to him throughout all of dinner. Finally, knowing he couldn’t ignore it anymore, Regulus looked up.

She didn’t even bother to look away or try to pretend she hadn’t been staring, she met his gaze head-on, her eyes narrowed.

“You look tired.”

“Go fuck yourself, Meadowes,” Regulus muttered.

He hadn’t seen much of her lately and she hadn’t been in their compartment on the train because she was always with her stupid Gryffindor girlfriend, which of course Regulus constantly gave her shit over. He was immensely grateful that nobody knew about James, or he’d never live it down.

“I’m just saying,” Dorcas said, entirely unfazed by his attitude. “You’ve been weird lately.”

“Reg is always weird.” Barty rolled his eyes. It was probably true, but Regulus also took offense to that and turned to glare at his friends.

“If Pandora was here she’d tell you all to stop bullying me,” Regulus said primly, pushing his food around his plate with a frown.

“If you think that’s bullying you should see what Barty says to the first years.” Evan scoffed and Dorcas instantly spun on Barty with a stern look.

“Barty for Merlin’s sake I’m begging you to leave the first years alone.”

“Why? But they’re so much fun to mess with!”

“They’re children! Regulus you’re a prefect, tell Barty not to attack children.”

“Barty, don’t be a piece of shit.” Regulus deadpanned.

Barty let out a dramatic gasp at that. “That is not what Dorcas told you to say.”

“If the shoe fits,” Evan muttered under his breath and Regulus didn’t bother saying anything more because he knew his friends were about to fall into a bickering match that he’d best keep out of.

True to form, Barty turned on Evan with a scowl and Regulus just sighed. One of the other Slytherins in Dorcas’s year had tapped her on the shoulder and she’d turned to talk, leaving Regulus to his own devices as Barty and Evan’s voices rose next to him.

Set on simply ignoring them, Regulus glanced around the Great Hall. He found Pandora first, sitting at the Ravenclaw table, talking gently with a first year. He watched her for a moment before looking where he really wanted to, the Gryffindor table.

Sirius was there, laughing so wildly he was practically in Remus Lupin’s lap. James was grinning and nodding his head, he had an arm around Pettigrew’s shoulders and shook him playfully. Regulus watched as Lupin tried to push Sirius away and Sirius just grabbed his arm, twisting to say something with a large smile painting his face. Lily Evans appeared behind James and Regulus had to force himself not to visibly frown as he watched James let go of Pettigrew and turn to face the redhead, smiling warmly. She leaned in close, to talk to James and Regulus felt his stomach flip.

Mine, mine, mine, mine.

Regulus wished he could go over there and scare her off, push her away from James, and tell her to never get that close again. He couldn’t all he could do was sit there and watch.

He’s mine! Regulus wanted to scream it, blast it to the whole world so no one would ever dare to look at James again. But maybe, James wasn’t really Regulus’s and had never been.

Regulus forced himself to look away, pushing back his barely touched meal and standing. He didn’t even bother coming up with an excuse as all his friends seemed otherwise occupied.

He purposefully didn’t look over at the Gryffindor table as he passed, he didn’t want to know if James’s eyes followed him or not. He didn’t know how to cope if they didn’t.

Regulus shut himself in his bed as soon as he got to the dorms, closing the drapes of his four-poster bed and ignoring the rest of the world. He heard Barty and Evan enter the room a little while after he did, but Regulus ignored their attempts to talk to him, and unlike Pandora or even Dorcas, they weren’t the same level of worriers and eventually left Regulus alone to mope.

Curfew passed, and Regulus debated not going to the Come and Go Room, let James sit there and wonder. Let it sting a little.

Regulus convinced himself that he wasn’t going to go, yet somehow when he was sure Barty and Evan were asleep, he was up, slipping on his shoes. Regulus snuck out and into the dark corridors with practiced ease. He knew how to avoid the trick steps and which portraits liked to alert Filch when a student was out of bed.

Regulus made it to the seventh floor with no trouble and paced outside the room until the door appeared. James was inside, sitting on the large sofa that often appeared for them. There was a fire burning in the grate and a part of Regulus wanted to pull James onto the plush rug and lay in his arms in front of the fire. The other part was bitter and angry, he wanted to turn around and leave James to his stupid gifts and promises and Lily fucking Evans.  

“Alright?” James asked straightening as Regulus stepped inside.

Regulus didn’t speak, just forced himself to take one step and then another.

“Reg?” James prompted when Regulus didn’t answer.

“I thought you had something for me, if not I’ll go.”

James stood abruptly. “No, don’t go. Please, just stay… I- I know things have been so hard lately, but please stay.”

And look, if Regulus were strong, none of this would have happened. If he could turn away from James Potter’s wide pleading gaze, things might have turned out very differently.

Regulus was weak, and after only a moment, he broke, letting out a long breath. James brightened, seeing the exact moment Regulus gave in and he smiled faintly.

“Come here,” James murmured reaching out a hand. “C’mere…”

Regulus went stepping closer, exhaling sharply as James’s hand found Regulus’s waist and pulled him in. He looked up to meet James’s eyes, shining and intense in the dim light.

“I’ve missed you,” James whispered, leaning down to press their foreheads together.

“Break wasn’t that long.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

Regulus didn’t respond and James’s just nudged his nose into Regulus’s cheek, breathing deeply. Another time he might have made a joke about James smelling him, but tonight there was something building in his throat, a knot of emotion he couldn’t quite describe. Regulus was afraid if he opened his mouth to speak, he’d break, so he didn’t say a word.

Eventually, James pulled back with a faint smile and there was something in the edges that was tinged with a deep sadness. Regulus really and truly hated himself at that moment. He despised himself more than he ever had because before Regulus Black had touched him, James Potter smiled with every bit of joy on Earth. Regulus had done this; Regulus had ruined him.  

“Okay, for your present,” James said stepping back. He pulled a small poorly wrapped package out of his pocket, handing it to Regulus. “Uh, it’s not much, but I made it, I mean I had some help but… well, you’ll see.”

Regulus held the gift with care, unwrapping the brown paper delicately. As the paper fell away, he was met with a small golden coin, no bigger than a knut. It was fixed to a chain with a small hole in the middle and engraved with a pair of antlers. Regulus couldn’t help but smile faintly at that, he knew James’s patronus was a stag and it was clearly a secret little nod to their relationship.

“I have one too,” James said pulling a necklace out from under his shirt and holding it up. Unlike Regulus’s which had antlers, James’s had a small constellation engraved into the metal… the Leo constellation, Regulus’s constellation.

“It’s beautiful,” Regulus said softly, and James broke out into a grin.

“That’s not even the best part. I modified a Protean Charm, so you see these numbers around the edges…” James gestured. “You can change them to create a message, a time for us to meet or something… I was also thinking maybe we could make a code of some sort to communicate. But basically, you squeeze it and then the other will warm, so if you’re wearing it you’ll feel it. That way you can squeeze it if you’re thinking of me or just to let me know you’re there, or if you need help, or you can add a message too. I wanted to make it a ring because I think that suits you better but then I thought it’d be too hard to hide. This way you can tuck the necklace under your shirt, and no one will ever see it.”

Regulus didn’t even know what to say, blinking down at the little necklace.

“I- do you like it?” James asked hopefully when Regulus didn’t say anything.

“Yes,” Regulus choked out in a hoarse whisper. “Yes, Jamie, I really, really do.”

James’s nervousness broke, a bright smile painting his face at the nickname. He knew how special it was, how sparingly used. It was Regulus’s way of saying I love you even though he was sure the actual words would never leave his mouth.

“C’mon, I’ll help you put it on.”

Regulus handed James the necklace, turning so James could fasten the chain at the back of his neck. James didn’t move even when he was done, and Regulus tried not to think about James’s seemingly intrinsic need to be as close to Regulus as physically possible these days. As if he could feel it too, the creep of time stealing the little moments they had left.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

James watched Regulus on the map, making his way back to the Slytherin common room before slipping on his invisibility cloak and heading to his own. As usual, his mind was filled with nothing but Regulus. The small curve of his faint smile, the wideness of his eyes as James had explained the gift.

Honestly, James couldn't tell you what he’d thought of before Regulus Black. His head must have been empty, floating through life in a senseless haze.

When James got back to his dorm it wasn’t completely still as he’d expected at the late hour. Rather, Remus was at the chair near the window, knees tucked to his chest and head tilted to watch the night sky. He turned when James stepped inside, and they stared at each other for a long moment.

“Alright, Moony?” James whispered instead of acknowledging the fact that he’d been caught clearly sneaking around in the middle of the night.

Remus blinked. “Are you?”

James shrugged.

No.

That was the truth. James dreamed every night of pain and blood. Of Regulus slipping through his fingers, of darkness engulfing the castle, ripping through the Room of Requirement and tearing apart their little slivers of peace. James woke with his face wet with tears and his breath jagged in his chest.

He didn’t say that. He never told anyone, not even Regulus.

Regulus who James could see breaking apart in his hands. His panic came more often, his sharp exhales and eyes squeezed so tight James thought it might hurt. Regulus was losing himself and James was losing him too.

James had really believed that they might work things out. He didn’t think Regulus to be someone he wasn’t, he didn’t think he was Sirius. James wasn’t even sure Regulus wanted to leave, but these days they couldn’t even brush the topic of the future without it ending in a screaming match.

Sometimes James regretted Regulus. He hated himself for that.

“Prongs…” Remus said slowly, his voice low so as to not wake Sirius or Peter. “I know something is going on and probably had been for the past year… whoever it is… I don’t see how they’re worth this.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do, and this is exactly what I mean, lying keeping secrets from us, sneaking around. I can’t think of any good reasons someone would make you do that.”

“No one is making me do anything.”

“I can’t think of any good reasons you would have to.” Remus corrected, his mouth forming a thin line.

James didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t have a good reason. His reason was that he was in love with his best friend's estranged, Slytherin brother. That was a terrible, no-good, reason. It was a betrayal of trust and James had no excuses for himself.

“Look,” Remus sighed. “You’re allowed to have secrets, even if I have a terrible feeling about it. That’s not even what this is, I’m not trying to make you spill your guts it’s just… it’s so clear you’re hurting James.”

“I’m fine.”

Remus didn’t even bother contradicting him, just stood shaking his head. “I’m going to bed… but if you ever want to talk, James… I’m here, okay?”

“Okay,” James said just because he didn’t want to discuss the topic any longer. He was pretty sure Remus knew James had no plans to take him up on that. As Remus tucked himself into his bed, pulling shut his drapes, James just stood there, stomach flipping.

Was it that obvious? Did Sirius notice something was going on too? Would he put the pieces together? Surely not…

As James got ready for bed, he began to work himself into a state of panic. Trying to remember any times he might have slipped up, if there had ever been an occasion where James hadn’t taken the map. Maybe even though the Come and Go Room wasn’t on the map, Sirius would notice exactly where James disappeared, and maybe he’d notice Regulus going there as well. Maybe he knew and he was just lying in wait for James to get stuck in his lies… But no, that wasn’t like Sirius. He was an inherently confrontational person. If he knew, he wouldn’t hold back from simply bashing James’s nose in.

Before James could continue to work himself up, he felt a sudden warmth against his chest and he gasped at the sensation hand coming up to touch the coin. Suddenly nothing else seemed to matter. Regulus liked the present. He’d accepted it with such wide eyes as if even now, the sheer intensity of James’s love surprised him.

James smiled faintly at the coin’s warmth. Regulus was thinking of him.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

The small coins quickly became an integral part of James and Regulus’s relationship as well as everyday life. It wasn’t unusual for James to feel the coin warm on his chest sometimes more times a day than he could count. It was a gentle reminder, even when Regulus brushed passed him in the corridors as if he couldn’t care less, moments later James would feel the warmth of his necklace and know it wasn’t real.

For a while, their relationship had never been stronger. Finally, some of the lingering insecurity, the constant arguments between them brought on by the secret of their relationship, eased. There was still a lingering dread, fear of what was to come, but for the first time that felt like an outside force, not something rotting between them.

When it came time for Easter and James and Regulus prepared to part ways, James felt the best he ever had about separating. Usually, during holidays James would spend his time crying himself to sleep. He’d ache with the thought of Regulus alone, in that house, at his parent’s mercy. He’d spend the entire holiday unable to enjoy himself, thinking of nothing but Regulus.

This time, they weren’t entirely cut off from each other and James reminded Regulus of that as he pressed a hard kiss to his lips, savoring every moment because still, a line of communication was different than having Regulus under his hands. God, he was fucking perfect, so warm and soft, burning under the pads of James’s fingers. Everyone said Regulus Black was cold, but clearly, they’d never run their hands over his skin, never seen how easily and willingly he gave whatever James wanted. Let them think Regulus was cold, let them think he was only sharp edges and teeth. Because James knew, and that was a secret he’d keep happily.

“Just keep the necklace on,” James whispered into Regulus’s mouth. “Squeeze it whenever, I just want to know you’re there.”

“Okay,” Regulus whispered before pushing James onto his back and kissing him hard enough that there wasn’t room for any more words.

Later, James would suddenly recall the strange sadness in Regulus’s eyes. He’d realize that maybe Regulus had distracted him on purpose, that he’d known the entire time what was coming.

The first day was fine.

James felt the coin on his necklace warm a few times throughout the day, it was scarcer than at school, but that was to be expected. James was sure Regulus’s family was watching. So, for the first time since James and Regulus had started seeing each other, James was able to enjoy his time at home. He knew his parents noticed his smile, the sudden change. He’d always known they knew something was going on, even if they didn’t know what. His mum squeezed his shoulder a lot the first day, her smile warm and filled with joy.

On the second day, it took James about halfway through to realize something was wrong. He’d squeezed his own necklace, once, twice, a third time... and nothing. The coin remained cold and lifeless against his skin.

“Is something wrong?” His father asked that night after James had spent the entire day barely present.

“No,” James told him but sobbed into his shoulder anyway.

Sirius snuck into his bed that night. “I love you, Prongs…” he whispered resting his head on James’s shoulder. “Whatever it is you can tell me.”

James just cried harder because he couldn’t. But Sirius didn’t leave, and James didn’t send him away and they spent the night like that, tucked into each other. Every member of his family now knew James was a right mess, but after the first day it became clear James wouldn’t talk about it and even Sirius stopped asking (though James was pretty sure his mum had instructed Sirius to).

Easter came and went, James got on the Hogwarts Express, but he didn’t see Regulus at the station and the necklace remained cold.

“Did something happen?” Peter asked nervously. As soon as they'd settled into the compartment James immediately tucked his knees to his chest, rested his head on the window, and closed his eyes. Clearly, his friends thought he was asleep, and James heard Sirius speak in a whisper.

“I guess, I don’t really know. He’s been crying all break, not even Effie and Monty seem to know what to do. He was fine the first day and then he was just… I don’t know,” Sirius’s voice sounded choked, and James’s guilt increased tenfold.

“I’ve known something was going on,” Remus muttered. “You all knew he was sneaking around…”

“You think that’s what it is?” Peter asked hesitantly.

“Maybe we should ask,” Remus suggested.

“I tried that, Moony,” Sirius said. “It didn’t work… he’d not himself at all, I don’t know what to do.”

James kept his eyes closed until the train stopped at Hogwarts and stayed silent while his friends joked and bantered. He wanted to skip dinner, but he hadn’t seen Regulus at the station or on the train and he needed to find him. Except, as all the students filed into their seats, James watched the Slytherin table and Regulus’s spot next to his friends remained empty.

Halfway through dinner, the group of Slytherins got up and a moment later Pandora was joining them from the Ravenclaw table. James didn’t bother with an excuse, waiting only a second for the group to leave the Great Hall before rising and following them. He hurried, his feet echoing through the quiet castle as he took the stairs behind them. None of them looked back, but James got the feeling they knew he was following them.

Eventually, they turned the corner into an empty corridor and Barty Crouch spun, wand raised.

“Why the fuck are you following us, Potter?”

“I don’t want trouble,” James said quickly, putting his hands in the air to show his wand wasn’t in them.

“Then what?” Dorcas glared. “If you’re trying to pull us into one of your absurd pranks I swear to Merlin, I don’t care how much my girlfriend likes you, I will kill you.”

“I’m not, I just want to know where Regulus is.”

That was enough to freeze Dorcas where she stood, eyebrows shooting up. Pandora frowned deeply like she was considering something while Crouch and Rosier exchanged a look.

“What’s it to you?” Rosier questioned roughly.

“He’s not back.”

“And?” Rosier scoffed “His parents got permission for him to stay a few days longer, a family thing. You run back to the stupider Black and tell him to mind his business.”

James wasn’t asking for Sirius, but he didn’t say that just turned on his heel and swallowed back the sob that was aching in his throat until he was safely tucked in the quiet of his dorm.

The next few days passed in a haze of classes, crying, and Regulus’s empty spot at the Slytherin table. The coin stayed cold; James became numb.  

“Oh, he’s back.” James jolted up from where he was resting his head on the table, following Sirius’s gaze to…

To Regulus?

Heads held high, shoulders back, untouchable, uncaring. James hadn’t even noticed him come in, but his little friend group had and a second later they were all leaving.

“I thought something…” Sirius shook his head as Regulus left. “Never mind, he seems fine, stupid bastard.”

On the other side of the table, Marlene was in the middle of an argument with Mary and she waved Sirius down, forcing him to contribute. Instantly the topic of Regulus was forgotten, and James stood ignoring Peter who called after him.

“Prongs, you didn’t even eat your breakfast!”

James just hurried out of the Great Hall, pulling out the map. He found Regulus’s little dot surrounded by his friends in an empty classroom on the third floor. James wasted no time, hurrying up the stairs until he found the specific classroom, he didn’t preamble, simply let the door slam open, promptly cutting off the hushed conversation the Slytherins and Pandora were having.

“Hello?” Barty scoffed at James’s appearance. “What the hell are you doing in here, Potter? Have you ever heard of boundaries?”

James ignored him, only looking at Regulus.

Regulus looked back, eyes dark and so strangely unreadable.

“Get out,” Regulus said stiffly.

“No.”

He stepped forward. “Get out.”

James just laughed and it must have come out a little manic or unhinged because Regulus froze. “You know I thought you were fucking dead? So no, I will not get out, you will come with me, and we can talk… or we can do this in front of your friends, Regulus. But I’m not leaving without some sort of explanation.”

“We can talk later—”

“No. Now.”

“James—”

“You’re in no position to bargain with me. I’m not kidding, we’ll talk now.”

“Holy shit,” Dorcas whispered. “No fucking way.”

James didn’t particularly care what realizations Regulus’s friends were coming to, but Regulus shifted at that. He shook his head before starting forward, pushing James out the door and into the classroom across the corridor.

Regulus barely paused to slam the door shut and put up a silencing charm before he was turning on James. “What in Merlin's name is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been completely silent! Does it take that much to squeeze a fucking coin? I thought you were dead! Then you didn’t show up and your bitchy friends said you had a family thing… I thought you were  dead! Did you think of me even once? Did you think about what I might think or how it might hurt me, or did that not even cross your mind? Because who cares that I have given every single piece of myself to you, you’ll never give the same!”

“I never asked you to do that!” Regulus shouted. “You act as if you’re the victim here when you could have turned back at any point! I never forced you to be with me, you wanted me!”

“I didn’t realize it wouldn’t be worth it!”

Regulus flinched at that like he hadn’t expected it. James wished it made him feel better, but instead, he just hated himself for hurting Regulus, for making him flinch.

There was a second of silence before Regulus was scoffing and reaching for the door. Clearly, he was done but James wasn’t, and he reached out catching Regulus by the arm, opening his mouth to speak. Regulus jerked back, letting out a hiss of pain as James’s hand contacted his forearm and James froze, his words dying on his tongue.

For a moment, they both stood there in horrified silence before James was reaching out again. Regulus tried to pull away from his hands, but James was stronger and pinned Regulus to the wall.

“Let go!” Regulus whispered and the thing was, if he’d said it a second earlier, James would have listened, and he never would have seen it. James would never touch Regulus if he didn’t want it, but by the time the words fell from Regulus’s lips, James had already pulled up Regulus’s sleeve.

The world stopped. James stared in horror.

There, on Regulus’s once perfect, unmarred skin, was a black tattoo. A dark mark branded his forearm.

James let go, he took a step back. There was a strange buzzing in his ears and Regulus was talking, pleading…

But James? James was done.

Regulus had never promised not to become a Death Eater, but somehow, James had always believed he wouldn’t. Clearly, he’d been wrong.

“This is over,” James said, his voice steady, strangely loud in his own ears.

Regulus was crying. James turned. He didn’t look back. He just walked, that strange buzzing only getting louder in his ears, the cold metal of the coin tearing a hole through his chest.

“James, James?”

James blinked.

There were tears dripping down his face and he didn’t know when he’d started crying, he didn’t remember how he’d gotten to the library but now he was standing outside, and Lily and Remus were in front of him.

Thankfully the corridor was empty because at the sight of his friends James’s tears turned into something harsher, sobs wracking his body.

“Whoa, Prongs, I’ve got you.” Remus’s hand was soft on his shoulder, his voice gentle and he led James out of the middle of the hall and into a corner tucked away from view. Lily followed but she seemed unsure as Remus wrapped James in a tight hug and she placed a tentative hand on James's back.

“I’m so stupid, I’m so stupid. I knew this would happen. I could feel it. Why does it hurt so bad? Oh god Remus it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, James,” Remus whispered and even though he obviously had no idea what James was talking about, it was clear he meant it. Just seeing James's pain was enough.

James didn’t know how long they stayed there but he knew they must have missed their first class of the day, yet neither Lily nor Remus moved. They sat with him, Remus hugging him tightly and Lily’s hand a comforting warmth on his shoulder. James made a silent vow to ask her about her sister sometime soon and make sure she was doing okay. She was a far better friend than he deserved.

“Sorry,” he whispered hoarsely once the tears had dried tightly on his face and his head was heavy, aching with his anguish.

“Don’t,” Remus said quickly. “I told you to come to me if you needed.”

“Is this your I told you so? You might have earned one.” James sniffed.

“No,” Remus said softly. “I never wanted to be right, I was just afraid you’d get hurt.”

‘I’ve been hurt,” James muttered. “I was always getting hurt, I knew bloody well since last year… I got myself into this mess anyway.”

“I know,” Remus said quietly and he didn’t ask any questions James couldn’t answer.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Term came and went. Regulus never tried to talk to James again. James didn’t try to talk to Regulus either.

Most nights, James cried himself to sleep and he cursed Regulus’s name, but he never took off the necklace.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

“I guess it’s really true,” Peter said a week into their seventh year.

“What is?” James asked.

“Regulus isn’t coming back this year.”

Sirius scoffed. “Yeah, because he’s a dirty Death Eater. That’s what Frank said, saw him on the raids and everything. But you know what? Good riddance! I don’t fucking want him around here anyway.”

They all pretended that Sirius’s anger wasn’t cover for his grief over the final nail in the coffin of their relationship, the loss of his brother. James pretended he wasn’t about to be sick whenever Regulus’s name was brought up.

James pretended he didn’t dream of the coin around his neck warming once more.

It never did.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Regulus decided he was going to die on his seventeenth birthday.

He turned seventeen and it was summer, the sky outside was a perfect shade of blue. He should have spent his birthday getting drunk  with his friends. But well, friends were scarce these days. Dorcas had ended up on the other side of the war, so that was a hard stop in their friendship. Barty and Evan hadn’t stopped Regulus when he’d started pulling away. Pandora was the only one whom Regulus was sure he could still consider a friend, but she had her own life, a fiancée, and a new job. Regulus tried his best to keep her at arm’s length, he didn’t want her getting hurt.

So, Regulus Black spent his seventeenth birthday alone and he decided that he couldn’t live to see another one.

There was no dramatics, nothing earth-shattering or catastrophic. Just Regulus lying on the floor of his childhood bedroom, nursing a bottle of firewhisky as he decided that this life wasn’t one he could live. He’d rather die than live to be someone unrecognizable.

Or maybe he already was.

Regulus had a long list of reasons why he’d become a Death Eater. Some of them were excuses, some of them were legitimate. None of them really mattered because the truth of the matter was that Regulus Black was a Death Eater. The why was irrelevant.

Regulus knew he’d done it so Sirius wouldn’t have to, wouldn’t die trying to become an heir he couldn’t be for Regulus’s sake, but that was a secret he’d take to his grave. Let people debate the kind of person he was, Regulus didn’t care.

The chance came nearly a year later, all wrapped up perfectly for Regulus. A chance to do something good and end his life and Death Eater career all in one go? It was perfect.

The Dark Lord didn’t think much of Regulus, just another whiny suck-up. Regulus didn’t mind because out of every pureblood family with a disposable house elf, Voldemort chose the only fucking person who wasn’t loyal, the only one who gave a damn about their elf.

Kreacher came back with enough information to launch Regulus headfirst into the topic of Horcruxes, so the day before he turned eighteen, Regulus Black sat on the edge of his bed for what he thought would be the last time.

He tried to write letters, but none of them came out right. No amount of apologies, excuses, or proclamations of love came anywhere near enough, so Regulus gave up. He tucked his old journals and letters back in their boxes, ready to hide the pieces of his humanity away where no one would ever see it until suddenly he caught a glint of something.

Reaching in, Regulus’s fingers found the shining object, his heart stuttering in his chest. He hadn’t touched the coin since he’d taken the mark. Regulus hadn’t been able to stomach it, hadn’t felt deserving of the mark of James Potter’s sheer love. James loved with an intensity Regulus never should have been given. How insurmountable, what a criminal amount of love. How cruel to love one another too much, yet never quite enough. Not enough to disregard everything else. Loved ones and morals in James’s case. Duty and his love for Sirius in Regulus’s. 

James was far away now. He’d probably forgotten all about Regulus. It didn’t make Regulus feel quite as sick as it used to, really, he hoped that James never thought about him. He hoped James dropped his own necklace at the bottom of the Black Lake and never looked back. But still, it was a comfort to hold the proof in his hands that once, maybe, someone had loved Regulus Black. Gently, Regulus pressed the coin to his lips just like James always used to, before fastening it around his neck. He wished it didn’t fit so comfortably, as if no time had passed.

Regulus wasn’t afraid when he arrived at the cave, he wasn’t afraid as the ocean beat mercilessly against the cliffs. He wasn’t afraid even as he drank the first few doses of the disgusting potion, reality beginning to twist around him.  

He saw his life, the worst bits. The sharpness of his mother’s hands, the sting of her wand. Sirius’s screams echoing through the house while Regulus could do nothing but stand there and sob. Regulus heard his own shattered breath, the smell of burnt flesh as the dark mark was tattooed into his skin. The silence that followed the day James had seen it. He hadn’t said a word. He hadn’t argued, begged, or cried. In fact, his voice had been deathly calm.

“This is over.”

Don’t hate me, please don’t hate.

That was it. They ended exactly how Regulus had expected, he just wasn’t sure why it’d never stopped hurting.

It never stopped and everyone he’d ever loved looked down on him as if he was a monster.

This is over.

I never wanted you to hate me.

Don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me when I’m gone.

Regulus loved his brother. God, he missed him so badly that it hurt. Sirius would never know and that was probably for the best, but Regulus had never wanted his big brother so badly in his entire life. Everything hurt, it really hurt and distantly he registered Kreacher force-feeding him the potion, but Regulus just wanted Sirius.

He wanted water. Regulus was so thirsty. His nerves were on fire, everything hurt.

He didn’t know how it happened, one moment his fingertips were brushing the water, and the next, it was filling his lungs. Hands were pulling him under, tearing through his skin, painting the water with blood.

The only blurry thought that made it through Regulus’s mind as his fingers rose to squeeze the coin around his neck, was that he’d never really wanted to be eighteen anyway.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

It was a regular night. Peter was off doing whatever it was he did these days, he was always busy with his ministry job, but Remus and Sirius were there in James’s flat, sitting around the living room. The June heat was still mild enough and the night air had the faintest chill as a breeze came through the open window. Sirius was on the sofa with his feet on Remus’s lap while James lay on the floor, listening to Sirius talk about his most recent Order mission.

As far as things went during a war, it was a pretty good night.

Then, out of nowhere, the most shocking sensation, a burning warmth on his chest. James jerked up so suddenly that he knocked his teacup off the coffee table. He couldn’t even care as it shattered on the floor as he scrambled up, letting out a gasp as he pulled the necklace out from under his shirt.

It was warm. Holy shit, it was burning.

“…Prongs?” Sirius was questioning worriedly, and James’s brain couldn’t remember how to speak.

“Regulus,” James choked out.

Sirius was standing now too, brow furrowed and Remus’s mouth had turned downward in a hard line.

“Regulus?” Sirius repeated incredulously.

James’s fingers wrapped around the coin and suddenly he knew exactly where he needed to go. He didn’t know how or why, but he could feel it, could see the image. James didn’t hesitate, he spun on the spot his flat disappearing, giving way to a damp cave, it smelled of death and decay.

James didn’t have time to wonder as suddenly there was a house elf at his knees. “Master Regulus!” the elf screeched pointing towards the water and James could see the disturbance, the slimy hands of inferi creeping up the rocks towards James. “I’ve been commanded to leave! Kreacher must obey!”

“Go!” James yelled; wand held firmly in his hands. “I’ve got him!” He cast without thinking, a blazing ring of fire surrounded him and drove back the inferi as the crack of Kreacher’s apparition sounded through the cave.

It all happened in a matter of minutes, but it felt like a million years from the moment that Kreacher left to when James dove into the water, his hands finally finding warm skin. James didn’t know how he ripped Regulus’s body from the inferi. He didn’t know how he dragged them to the rocky shore. James was coughing up water as he made it onto dry land, still casting fire behind him to keep the disgusting corpses back. Regulus wasn’t coughing.

Shit, shit, shit. James needed to get them out of there.

He tried to apparate them away, gripping onto Regulus’s tightly, but nothing happened. The inferi were creeping in from all sides and James wasn’t sure how long he could hold them back.

“You can’t fucking have him!” James yelled, cursing an Inferius backward as it tried to grab Regulus’s ankle. Suddenly remembering how he’d gotten there, James raised his hand to his necklace, casting a prayer to any god or higher power that might exist. He felt Regulus’s necklace warm at their close contact and squeezing his eyes shut he tried to apparate them again.

This time, it worked. James landed in his bedroom with a bang. He hadn’t been shooting for the bedroom, but he hardly cared at the moment, hurrying to pick Regulus off the floor and lay him on the bed.

He still wasn’t coughing, he wasn’t breathing. His face was white and his lips were blue.

James wasted no time casting every single spell he’d ever learned that he thought might even remotely help and for a terrifying second nothing happened… until, suddenly Regulus was letting out a loud, pained gasp.

He was coughing. Oh, thank fucking god, he was coughing up water on James’s floor and the sound was horrifyingly painful, but he was alive.

“Sirius!” James yelled into the flat and there was the sound of footsteps.

“Prongs what the fuck—” Sirius broke off face going white as he suddenly took in his baby brother, coughing his guts up on James’s bed, half dead, bleeding everywhere. He was covered in huge gaping gashes, running over pretty much every inch of his body.

Remus was only a few steps behind Sirius, and he sucked in a gasp of horror at the sight. “Remus,” James choked out, “get Lily. Get her right now. We need a healer.”

Though Remus must have had a million questions, he didn’t waste time, instead, he took off back down the hall immediately.

Regulus let out a pained sound, so vulnerable and anguished that James instantly turned from Sirius, falling to his knees on the side of the bed. He seemed to have finished coughing up the contents of his lungs but he was losing a lot of blood and he was worryingly pale.

“Regulus, Regulus,” James whispered, leaning in close. “It’s me, it’s going to be okay we’ve got a healer coming, it’s okay.”

Regulus was shaking and James wished he could cover the younger man with a blanket, but he didn’t want to risk it when he had so many open wounds.

“He’s not even eighteen yet. It’s still the twenty-fourth,” Sirius whispered, still frozen in the doorway. “He’s only seventeen, he’s a kid, Prongs. He's still a kid, he can’t die.”

James didn’t know what he could say to that or how he could offer Sirius any comfort, but a moment later there was the sound of the fire and then Lily was bursting into the room, Remus at her heels.

She didn’t say a word, simply tied her hair back and raised her wand. Instantly, by the first few spells she cast, Regulus seemed to calm. His shaking lessened slightly and the crease in his brow smoothed.

“For the pain and stabilization,” Lily explained when she caught James’s frown. “He may be more coherent now, so be aware of what you say if you don’t want him hearing it.” It was a gentle reminder that this was a Death Eater she was treating, but James paid it no mind.

Lily set to work, cutting off Regulus’s shirt pausing for only a second as she caught sight of the necklace, the little coin glinting in the light.

“Ah,” Lily said in understanding. “I remember helping you with the charm for that, James,” she murmured as she began to gently clean Regulus’s wounds. “I never realized the necklace was for him but in retrospect… that makes a great deal of sense.”

James glanced nervously to Sirius who was still frozen in the doorway, eyes laser-focused on Regulus. Remus was at his shoulder, a firm hand rubbing comforting circles on his back. There were tears in the corner of Sirius’s eyes, but he seemed unwilling to blink and let them fall.

James moved to stand but a cold hand grabbed his wrist, stopping him dead in his tracks.

“J-Ja…”

James jerked his head to look at Regulus. His eyes were fluttering open.  

“Reg?”

“James,” Regulus whispered, it came out muddied, thick and cracked as it fell from Regulus’s lips, but James understood him anyway. “Jamie?”

“I’m here,” James whispered and hesitantly he stepped closer, cupping Regulus’s cold hand in his own.

“D- don’t… don’t hate me. Please…”

“I don’t hate you.” James choked out.

“…Liar.”

“No, no Regulus I could never.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I should—” Regulus broke off coughing violently and James winced, looking to Lily in worry.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’m working on it.”

“—I should…” Regulus gasped continuing; the words ragged as he forced them out. “I should have let you go, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You would have been better. Why didn’t you forget me? Why’d you come?”

“You called for me.”

“Didn’t… I didn’t mean to. I- I wanted to die.”

Sirius let out a strangled sound at that and James blinked away the tears gathering in his eyes.

“Too late, I saved you. I know you never wanted me to, but I did, and you can’t take it back now.”

“Why? Why? You hate me.”

“I loved you,” James whispered fiercely.

“No, no. No one loved me. Didn’t… I didn’t want you to.”

“I did. Shut the fuck up, Regulus. Shut up, I do.”

The silence that followed was heavy. Regulus’s eyes were screwed shut in pain, tears painting his face. Sirius was crying too, even Remus looked weighed down by the pain filling the room.

“I have to start stitching him up,” Lily spoke calmly. “I need the room cleared.”

Sirius looked like he wanted nothing less than to leave, but Remus took him by the shoulder, whispering into his ear. Eventually, he nodded numbly, letting Remus steer him towards the hall. Reluctantly, James went to move as well, but Regulus’s grip tightened on his hand and James stopped.

“You can stay,” Lily said after a moment when James tugged, and Regulus still didn’t let go. “Rem, shut the door.”

Remus did as he was told, but not without casting James a glance. James knew he’d no doubt get an earful later, a shouting match or scolding. Whatever it was, James could take it because Regulus was here and for now, he was alive.

“I never would have guessed it was him,” Lily said quietly while she worked, Regulus’s eyes were fully closed again, and James was glad for it. Glad he didn’t have to watch Regulus twist in pain. “Yet now that I think about it… well, it makes a great deal of sense.”

“Yeah,” James muttered. He wasn’t sure what else he could say, and they lapsed into silence. James just watched her work, Regulus’s hand warming slowly under his own.

It was hours or maybe only minutes later when Lily stepped back, huffing out a relieved breath. “He’s stable. I’ll set up some more monitoring spells, but we just need to leave him to rest.”

“He’s going to live?”

Lily swallowed. “He will. James, I can’t lie to you when I walked in here… I thought there was no way… but he’s strong. I can’t say what the healing process will be or what long-term effects he might experience, whatever potion he took… I’ve never seen anything like it. So, we’ll have to watch him carefully.”

James stood there, heart beating in his throat, eyes fixed on Regulus’s still form.

“James,” Lily said softly and as James let go of Regulus, he thought it might have been the hardest thing he’d ever done.

They left Regulus sleeping quietly, the door cracked open, and James made it all the way to the living room. He made it through Sirius shooting up, to Lily relaying the same information she’d told James. He stayed upright through the agonized noise Sirius let out and Remus’s gentle questions for Lily.

“He should be fine,” Lily told Remus, and that was when James shattered.

Suddenly years of secrets and pain were rushing in James’s ears, hitting him so hard he keeled over sliding to the floor.

James sobbed so hard he thought it’d kill him, that he’d be sick with the pain.

He could see Regulus in his mind, fourteen, the first time he’d ever smiled at James. It’d nearly knocked him over with the force of it. How his face had changed so starkly, the cold marble of Regulus Black melting away to the brightness of his eyes and James had realized that maybe, no one really knew Regulus, but James was determined to.

Lily kneeled, putting a hand on James’s shoulder and he felt sixteen, losing Regulus all over again.

James didn’t know how long he cried. Each breath ripped out of him in a painful battle. Eventually, the tears subsided, and James just sat there, shaking, his heart beating in his chest. He didn’t feel like the James Potter of the last year, the one who had learned to smile again. Who had forced himself to stop waiting for the coin around his neck to warm. His teenage heart was beating in his chest. The heart that yearned for Regulus, that screamed and painted his face with tears every night.

Maybe some things never really healed.

Maybe Regulus Black was in James's bones. Maybe he’d always been there, and the first time James had properly looked, the first time their eyes caught, something prickling down James’s neck… it’d simply ignited the sleeping flame. Burning under his skin, raging through his body.

James had always known how it would end.

He didn’t know if he forgave Regulus for taking the mark, but he couldn’t have stayed. He knew it was for the better, but that never undid his love. It never undid the creeping fear in the back of James’s mind that even if Regulus was a monster, James couldn’t hate him. That there was nothing in the world that Regulus could do to make James stop loving him.

Sirius had moved at some point, he was in front of James now and Lily scooted back, letting Sirius sit in her spot.

“Do you hate me?” James whispered. “I’m sorry, I know I’m a terrible liar. I’m in love with your brother I understand if you never forgive me—”

“James… I knew.”

“What?”

Sirius scoffed. “I knew,” he repeated quietly. “Do you think I didn’t know you well enough? That I didn’t know Regulus? I’d see him looking sometimes and at first, I thought maybe he just had a little crush, because he’d always had a thing for you, even as a first year… but then Easter holiday happened and Regulus was gone and the next year he didn’t come back and you stopped smiling, stopped sneaking around. I’m not an idiot, James. I- I just always thought you’d tell me…”

“I thought it was better if I didn’t,” James whispered, barely able to meet Sirius’s eyes. “I failed. Regulus went and became a Death Eater, anyway. I thought one day I’d convince him to get away from your parents and then I could take him home and explain everything, and you wouldn’t be able to be angry because I would have brought him back to you… but eventually, I stopped believing it but I stayed. I realized I was just a bad person, a bad friend.”

“You’re not a bad person… a bad friend, probably. But not a bad person.” Sirius said, his mouth in a tight line and grey eyes blazing. “It wasn’t your job to save him, he didn’t want to be saved. If loving a bad person makes you bad, then so am I because I still love him. Regulus is still my brother, even though he’s a Death Eater.”

“But you hated him for it. Even if you loved him, you hated him too. I can’t. he could kill thousands of people, burn down the whole world and I still wouldn’t hate him. God, Sirius I might even forgive him for it.” Sirius didn’t reply to that, and they sat in silence for a moment before James let out a frustrated growl. “Just hate me for it Padfoot. Yell, scream punch me, just hate me—”

Sirius’s fist made contact with James’s jaw and Remus let out a yell of protest, but Sirius was already kneeling back, hand falling to his side while James exhaled sharply at the pain.

“Happy?” Sirius asked calmly.

“Sirius, bloody hell!” Remus scolded unhappily but they ignored him.

“Did it make you feel better?” James choked out, wincing as the movement of his mouth made the spot on his jaw throb.

“Not really,” Sirius sighed. “I’ve had a lot of time to be angry. Now I’m just…” he shook his head. “I dunno, tired. I’m really fucking tired.”

“Okay…” James said softly. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I know.”

It wasn’t forgiveness. Sirius didn’t say it was okay. It wasn’t okay and probably wouldn’t be for a long time, but it wasn’t what James had been expecting. It wasn’t the end of Sirius and James.

At some point, James must have fallen asleep. His clothes were still damp, and he was covered in Regulus’s blood but he didn’t even care. Sirius went back to the sofa, curling up in Remus’s arms and James slept right there on the floor, tucked into himself. The sun was rising through the window. James let it warm his cold skin, closing his eyes to the new day.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Regulus woke in an unimaginable amount of pain.

Prying his eyes open felt like the hardest thing he’d ever done.

He blinked, the room he was in was warm, painted by slivers of sunlight sneaking in through the drapes. He didn’t recognize anything, he had no idea where he was, but somehow a part of his brain seemed to understand before he fully grasped onto consciousness, because panic didn’t come. He felt safe, even though he couldn’t recall what had happened or why his entire body felt like it was trying to burn him alive.

It took another blink, a deep breath. Then it hit him.

It smelled familiar, warm, comforting… like James.

Regulus sat upright, gasping at the wave of pain it sent through his body. He tried his best to ignore the way every movement painted his vision with dark spots as he painfully and slowly peeled himself out of bed. He made it down the hall, one step at a time, following the sound of quiet voices. As Regulus stepped into the living room there was a scandalized gasp and Regulus blinked disoriented as Lily Evans was suddenly in front of him.

“Sit down right this instant! Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with you?”

Regulus was too out of it to do anything but obey under her glare. He suddenly felt like an animal in a zoo as all eyes were on him. Sirius was there, a look in his eyes that Regulus couldn’t quite place. Remus Lupin was squeezing his hand, looking at Regulus like he knew something Regulus didn’t.

And then… then there was James. He’d scrambled up when Regulus had entered the room and he was standing there gaping.

“Oh,” Regulus said as he took in James’s clothes, covered in blood. A familiar necklace hung from his neck, the coin sitting over his shirt for what might have been the first time ever. “I- I didn’t mean to call you,” Regulus whispered reaching up to touch his own coin. “I didn’t think… I didn’t think you’d have it… I was just going to die.”

“Why?”

It was Sirius who spoke first, his gaze hard. He didn’t seem angry exactly, and Regulus didn’t understand the fire in his brother’s eyes.

“I couldn’t live with myself any longer. I’d rather die than be a Death Eater.”

“You didn’t have to be,” Sirius said, and Regulus just shook his head.

“You don’t understand.”

Sirius didn’t ask Regulus to explain, but he didn’t scoff either and Regulus took that as a win.

“I don’t want you dead,” Sirius whispered and that was basically an admission, Sirius might as well have said I love you. Regulus swallowed back his tears because he refused to cry in front of everyone.

“I’ve missed you. For a long time,” Regulus said, and that wasn’t an I love you either, but it was a near thing.

“What happened?” Lupin asked when Sirius seemed unable to respond to that.

Regulus swallowed. “I stole the key to defeating the Dark Lord.”

Lupin blinked, clearly surprised by that. “Oh… so... what now?”

“I don’t know.”

Regulus had no clue; he’d never planned to live this long and didn’t know where to go from here. Was he supposed to join the Order, and forgive his brother? Would Sirius ever forgive him? Would he live to see nineteen, or twenty?

“Happy birthday.”

Regulus frowned at James’s words, the entire conversation was bound to give him whiplash with the blurry amount of emotion and topics tangling between them. “What?”

“It’s morning, it’s Wednesday now, it’s your birthday.”

“I know.”

“Okay…” James swallowed. “So happy birthday.”

Regulus met his eyes and a million things seemed to pass between them in that moment. There were so many things Regulus needed to say. He didn’t.

Neither of them spoke and the tension pulled taut between them. James exhaled, it snapped, and he was moving forward grabbing Regulus’s face in his hands.

His fingers were warm, and he smelled the same as ever. Warm, like home. He needed to change his clothes because he also smelled a bit like blood, but Regulus didn’t even care.

“Stay,” James whispered, just for Regulus, with no care for their audience. “Stay this time. I love you. I was probably made to love you. Stay.”

Regulus’s coin was warm against his skin, a soft presence, full of years of love. Heated by the intensity, the secret smile James would wear every time he pressed his lips to it.

The future was murky. Regulus didn’t know what was going to happen or how he was alive. He hadn’t planned to be, but here he was. Maybe none of them would survive the war. Maybe Regulus had lived today to die another not long from now. Or maybe, they’d all live to be eighty and the sun would shine every day.

Regulus’s skin was cold, but James was warm.

“Okay,” Regulus said, and for the moment, that was enough.