Archive of Our Own

Jisung, Seungmin, and Jeongin continued their hiatus while the others went back to work. The company made an official statement saying that there was an incident within the company and everyone needed a short break but the trio needed a longer one. The group hiatus lasted four more days, but the other three were expected to have two or three more weeks of hiatus. They specified that there were no health concerns, though.

Jeongin thought he would be bored but he wasn’t. Spending time with Jisung and Seungmin made him happy no matter what they were doing. The other members often left the dorm around seven in the morning, and the other three were usually still sleeping at that time. They missed seeing the other members and the dorm felt too empty and lonely.

They spent most of their time in the living room playing video games, watching television, or doing karaoke. None of them could keep a winning streak with every game, though - Jeongin excelled at video games, Seungmin excelled at karaoke, and Jisung excelled at complaining. Each of them had nightmares occasionally, but they never had one at the same time.

They felt their bond getting stronger, too. They found themselves sharing beds and cuddling more often - Seungmin and Jeongin usually weren’t the type to crave physical touch, but with each other and Jisung, they wanted it constantly. It worried Jeongin a little, but he was enjoying himself.

One week into their hiatus - the other members’ hiatus ended a few days prior - they were watching a movie. Seungmin was sleeping on the couch because his nightmare that night exhausted him and he couldn’t sleep, then he fell asleep around nine o’clock that morning. Jeongin sat on the armchair with Jisung sideways on his lap, a drama playing on the television.

Jisung leaned more into Jeongin, and the younger boy held him tighter to his chest. Jisung sighed. “Have you thought any more about going back to work? Do you know how much longer you want to be on hiatus?” he murmured.

“I’m not sure,” Jeongin hummed. “I’m not as bored as I thought I’d be. But thinking about the studio and staff still scares and worries me. I don’t know how the others weren’t affected by that, too.” Jisung nodded and rested his head on the maknae’s shoulder. “What about you?”

“I’m still anxious just thinking about it. It feels like I’ll never not be anxious about it, though. I might just have to get used to it.”

“Don’t say that, hyung,” Jeongin said. “Your therapy appointment is in a couple of days, right? She’ll help you. It won’t last forever.”

“Sure as hell seems like it,” Jisung grumbled. He was sick of his anxiety. He’d been doing so well for the past year, but now it was going downhill again. He was anxious everyday whether he was thinking about Jaemin and Wooseok or not, but spending time with the two younger boys helped him a lot. He only had one panic attack since they were back at the dorm, though, and it was due to a nightmare. So it wasn’t as bad as it used to be but it wasn’t getting better.

“Hey,” Jeongin said. He put his finger under Jisung’s chin to lift his head off of his shoulder and make eye contact. “It will be okay. I promise. I know it’s difficult and you feel like shit, but that’s what therapy is for. That’s what we are for. We’re here for each other.”

Jisung stared into Jeongin’s eyes. He saw the loving, caring, and comforting look in his eyes, and his own affection grew. He loved the way Jeongin looked after his hyungs, but he thought it was a little different with him. His heart filled with warmth and so did his cheeks. Jisung coughed and broke eye contact.

He looked to the side, but he noticed Jeongin still looking at him. He was embarrassed and hid his face with his hands. “Stop looking at me like that!” he whined.

“Sorry, sorry,” Jeongin chuckled. “You’re cute.”

Jisung didn’t know if his cheeks could gain more color. He whined again. When Jeongin didn’t move or say anything, he peeked out from behind his fingers. Jeongin was still looking at him, but with an uneasy look on his face. He looked away after a few seconds.

“What?” Jisung asked.

“Nothing,” Jeongin said quickly. Jisung took his hand and played with his fingers.

“You know you can tell me anything.”

Jeongin sighed. “I know.” Jeongin had been thinking about this for a while. He realized it a while before their hiatus, but now that he was spending so much time with the other two boys, he couldn’t stop his feelings from growing.

The atmosphere became intense and serious, different from before. He hesitated, blinking slowly. “I just… I have… feelings. Not normal ones.” That was one way to put it.

Now Jisung was nervous too. “What kind of feelings?” he asked softly. Jeongin made eye contact again. The whole mood changed from sweet and playful to serious and intimate.

“I think you know.” Jisung just stared. “If you don’t, that’s okay, just forget I said anything—”

“Wait,” Jisung said. “I just… Let me gather my thoughts.” Jeongin nodded and bit his lip, nervous. “I feel them, too,” he whispered. But not only for you, he didn’t say.

Jeongin breathed shakily. “So…”

“So.” Jisung’s eyes flickered down involuntarily, but Jeongin hid his face in his neck at the same time. The maknae had never done anything like this before. He joined Stray Kids when he was sixteen years old, and before that he had only a few friends and was focused on training. He never had time for a relationship nor a strong attraction towards anyone. He didn't know what to do next. He knew that Jisung dated a girl in high school, so he hoped the other boy knew what he was doing.

They hugged each other close as they tried to understand what was happening.

“Let’s talk about this,” Jisung suggested hesitantly. Jeongin nodded.

“I don’t know how to…” he trailed off.

“Me neither.”

“I mean, I’m assuming that the feelings you’re talking about are the same as mine.”

Jisung sighed. “Let’s just say it and stop beating around the bush.” Jeongin was surprised by his straightforwardness when Jisung looked at him. “I love you, Jeongin-ah. More than a friend.” Love could have been too strong of a word to use so soon, but they’d always said it to each other - the whole group did - so it came naturally. They’d known each other and lived together for so long that they were both confident about their feelings. Half of a decade was quite a long time to have a crush.

Jeongin took a deep breath. “I love you too, hyung,” he whispered. Jisung smiled and stroked Jeongin’s hair back. Jeongin let out a laugh.

“Why are you laughing?” Jisung asked, but his smile widened.

“I don’t know. This isn’t how I expected this to happen, especially not any time soon.”

“You’ve thought about it?”

“Of course I have. I’ve liked you since we debuted, I think, but I didn’t acknowledge it until a few months ago. Then the Jaemin thing happened and…”

“Yeah,” Jisung agreed. “I’ve liked you for years, too.” Jeongin smiled at him.

They looked into each other’s eyes again, this time more confident and affectionate. Jisung’s eyes flickered again and he blushed. Jeongin felt his heart pounding as he leaned forward.

It was sweet, innocent, and clumsy, but it was their perfect first kiss.

There was a loud shout and both boys flinched. They looked for the source and heard a girl crying on the television - they forgot it was on. They both glanced at Seungmin, but he was still sleeping peacefully.

They looked at each other and giggled, falling into another embrace.

If Seungmin noticed their subtle looks and touches after that, he didn’t say anything.

---

Jisung and Jeongin slept alone in their room that night. Seungmin slept in his own bedroom, wanting the comfort and familiarity of it as well as time alone. They both accepted it immediately; if anything, they were more excited to spend time without him. It sounded rude, but they had their first kiss that morning. It only made sense.

They sat side by side on Jeongin’s bed with the door closed. Neither of them wanted to speak first, but Jisung knew that this was completely new to Jeongin. Jisung had experience, so he built himself up and started the conversation.

“So… We both said it already, but we like each other. Love each other.” Jisung looked at Jeongin and the younger boy looked back nervously. Jisung held his hand. “I know this is a whole new territory for you, so please don’t hesitate to say anything, okay?” Jeongin nodded.

“I love you. I really love you, hyung.” Jisung smiled at him. “I know that I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I know that I want to do it with you.”

Jisung giggled. “That was so cheesy.”

Jeongin slapped his chest and blushed. “Hyung! Come on, this is serious.”

“Okay, okay,” he relented at Jeongin’s pout. “I want to do this with you, too. Will you be my boyfriend, Jeongin-ah?”

Jeongin gulped. “Yes,” he whispered. It was definitely real now; any thoughts he had of this being a dream were gone.

Jisung pulled him in for a hug and they hugged for a few minutes. They both needed a minute to really absorb the information.

“I think we should talk about boundaries first,” Jisung said as he pulled back slightly. “I’ve told you before that I dated someone before I came to JYP. She and I mostly dated for the experience, though. We wanted to… explore ourselves, I guess? Anyway, we were together for almost half a year. We kissed often and…” He looked at Jeongin shyly. “We had sex a couple times but we never went all the way.”

Jeongin was shocked and it must have shown on his face, because Jisung became self-conscious. “Hey,” he said, holding Jisung’s hand tightly. “I’m not judging you. I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.” Jisung nodded.

“Yeah… We only talked a little bit about our boundaries before that but I always thought they were more important than anything in a relationship. Boundaries are what make someone feel safe and loved, and if they get crossed, there’s a good chance that they’d break up. They’d be too uncomfortable and I don’t want that to happen to us.”

“Me neither.” Jeongin sighed. “Can you start, though? I don’t really know what to say.”

“Of course,” Jisung said sweetly before clearing his throat. “I’m okay with a lot of things, I guess. I’ve done more than you so I know what I like and don’t like in a relationship, but again, it was only a few months. We’ll both figure it out as we go.” He leaned his head on Jeongin’s shoulder to avoid eye contact. “I love kissing,” he whispered. “I think neck kisses are the sweetest, both giving and receiving them. They always make my heart warm. I love hugging and cuddling, but I’m sure you already know that.”

“Yeah,” Jeongin laughed. Jisung was probably the most cuddly of the group, maybe second to Felix. “I think I like kissing too, but I’m not sure yet. The kiss we had earlier… That was my first real kiss.” That made Jisung look up with wide eyes.

“What?” he asked incredulously. “I didn’t know that. Oh my God…” Jeongin couldn’t tell if Jisung was happy or felt bad about being his first kiss.

“I loved it, hyung,” he reassured.

“If I knew, I would have made it more special.”

“It was special, hyung. It was you.” Jisung blushed. “No, seriously! Firsts like that aren’t super important to me. It’s like a match point in a sports game; it’s just one of many, and all of the others are just as important in the end.”

“Wow,” Jisung breathed. “That was a good analogy.” Jeongin chuckled. “Do you know about any other boundaries, though?”

“Um…” He thought. “I like cuddling, too, but not as much as you do. Now that we’re… dating, I think I want to cuddle you more, though. You’re warm.”

“Aww, that’s so cute,” Jisung crooned. “You’re warm too, Innie.” The younger boy smiled shyly.

“And about sex,” he said awkwardly, “I don’t know yet. I know I want it someday but not right now.”

Jisung nodded. “That’s good, I think. It’s too soon even though we’ve known each other for a long time. We should take it slow.” Jeongin agreed. “Hey, Innie?” he whispered. “Since firsts are important to me, can I give you a special second kiss to make up for it?” Jeongin smiled.

“Always, hyung.” Jisung smiled back before softly cupping Jeongin’s cheek. Jeongin put his hands on Jisung’s small waist and rubbed his thumb up and down. “Is this alright?”

“Yeah. Just do whatever feels natural.” Jisung put his other hand on Jeongin’s nape and pulled him in slowly, tilting his head to the right as he connected their lips. It wasn’t a deep, sensual kiss - it was slow and meaningful. Jisung barely opened his lips during the kiss and he felt Jeongin copying his movements.

Jisung pulled away after a minute. “Good?”

“Good,” Jeongin whispered, eyes wide. Jisung chuckled at his expression.

“What do you think about using tongue? Are you okay with that?”

“I don’t know…” Jisung nodded in understanding, but Jeongin wasn’t done. “But there’s only one way to find out.”

Jisung smiled as Jeongin leaned in first and pressed close. Jisung took the lead, though, and waited a few seconds before lightly nipping at Jeongin’s bottom lip. The younger boy gasped and Jisung took the opportunity to enter his mouth. He tasted like mint from his toothpaste and Jisung thought it was perfect. He kept the kiss slow as their lips moved, but Jeongin began to speed it up hungrily until they were fully making out. The younger boy whined against Jisung’s mouth, and the older boy decided to pull away. Both boys were panting and Jeongin’s eyes were almost glossy.

“I’m guessing you like it?” Jeongin nodded dazedly and Jisung laughed. Their lips felt swollen already, but Jisung thought he could get used to the feeling. “You’re a fast learner. I think it took me, like, ten kisses to learn how to kiss back.”

“That can’t be true.”

“No, really! I was terrible at it,” he laughed. “But so was Hyeyoung, so it was okay.”

“Hyeyoung? Was that your girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” Jisung sighed. “I haven’t seen her since high school, though.” Jeongin nodded.

“Thank you, hyung,” he whispered.

“For what?”

“Everything.” Jeongin put his head on Jisung’s shoulder this time. Everything about this day was special to him. Everything about Jisung was special to him.

The older boy stroked his hair and hummed. “Don’t thank me. I love you, Innie.” Jeongin had butterflies in his stomach.

“I love you, too.” Jisung shifted until they were both laying down under the covers and pulled Jeongin into a hug. He continued stroking the younger’s hair as they pressed their noses into each other’s necks.

He was surprised when he felt Jeongin tentatively press his lips against his skin. He did it a few times before he looked up.

“Is that what you were talking about?”

Jisung smiled. “Yeah. There are a lot of different ways to kiss, but anything is good enough for me.”

“Can you…” He hesitated and Jisung hummed. “Can you do it to me?” he asked in a small voice. Jisung knew he was uncertain and embarrassed so he didn’t tease him.

“Of course, Innie.” He hugged Jeongin close again until he could reach his neck. He gave him light kisses just like the younger boy gave him, and Jeongin shivered. “Good?” Jeongin hummed, so Jisung continued.

Jisung opened his lips slightly but he didn’t use his teeth; it was definitely too early for something like that, and they couldn’t leave any marks, anyway. Jeongin hugged Jisung tighter as the boy continued, starting from under his ear and trailing down to his shoulder.

Jisung gave one more slow kiss before looking back up at Jeongin. The younger’s eyes were slightly dazed and he almost looked lost. In himself, in Jisung’s touch, he didn’t know.

“You’re sensitive,” Jisung whispered, and Jeongin whined embarrassedly. “It’s not a bad thing, Innie. I’m not making fun of you, I promise.”

Jeongin just hummed. “I understand why you like it so much,” he breathed. “It’s so… wow.” Jisung chuckled at his description.

“I get it. You might like it more than me, to be honest.” Jeongin hummed again and Jisung noticed how tired he looked. He stroked the side of his face lightly. “You’re so cute, Innie. Cute and sweet.” Jeongin closed his eyes and Jisung stroked his features - his cheek, his chin, his eyelids, his nose, his lips. “I love you so much, baby.”

Jeongin didn’t open his eyes, but Jisung saw his ears turn red as he squirmed. “Baby? You like that?” he asked, surprised.

Jeongin whined. “It’s just… It’s different now that we’re dating, y’know? Before it was annoying because you were teasing me, but now it’s meaningful.”

Jisung thought Jeongin was so adorable. He looked like he was already asleep, though, so Jisung pulled him to his chest and stroked his hair. Jeongin relaxed against him and he kissed the top of his head.

“Sleep well, Innie.”

“You too, hyung.”

---

Seungmin didn’t like it. At all.

He noticed how Jisung and Jeongin acted differently around each other. They were softer, more touchy, and seemed to have inside jokes with each other. He was feeling left out.

After two days, he found out that they liked each other. He heard them whispering at night when they thought he was asleep, and he heard the rustling of sheets as they cuddled each other closer. He was happy for them, he really was. But he was jealous.

Seungmin knew that he was a little bit in love with all of his members. They each had different aspects that appealed to him and made him want more. He discovered his feelings after they debuted and everyone became more affectionate. When he found himself craving it more and more, he thought deeply, and came to that conclusion. He knew he was gay for years before debut but he never told anyone, not even Jeongin. He loved and trusted them all, but he wasn’t ready for that yet. Especially since he was in love with them.

So when he knew that Jisung and Jeongin were dating and he was the third wheel in the dorm, his feelings were hurt. He knew that it wasn’t their fault; they loved each other, and there was nothing wrong with that. It was Seungmin’s feelings’ fault.

Who liked seven people at once, anyway? That could never work, no matter how hard they tried. Someone wouldn’t reciprocate, they’d have disagreements, and their career would be ruined. He wasn’t sure how Jisung and Jeongin would be able to keep their relationship a secret from the company and the public, but he hoped they could succeed. With or without him.

The chance of even one member liking him was low enough, not to mention two or more.

---

Seungmin was nervous on Monday. It was the day of their first therapy appointments, and Jisung’s appointment was first. Seungmin didn’t know what to expect, how much he’d need to share, how much he’d want to share.

“She won’t push you further than you want to go,” Jisung told him. “The first appointment will just be a get-to-know-you thing. You can give a summary of what you need help with and introduce yourselves and things like that.”

The information made him feel a little better, but he was still anxious. He sat in the waiting room while Jisung had his appointment, letting the nerves eat away at him. Jeongin didn’t come with them because he wanted to sleep longer and he was beginning to feel safer alone. He still didn’t want therapy and he was pushing himself in his own time, and Seungmin was proud of him.

The manager stayed in the waiting room while they each had their appointments which made Seungmin feel safer. When Jisung’s appointment was over, he looked tired but satisfied.

“You’ve got this, Minnie.” He returned Jisung’s smile before being led to Seongyeon’s office.

She must have anticipated his nervousness, because she was very gentle with him. The appointment was one hour long and they spent most of it talking about each other, just like Jisung said. He told her about his parents and Jaemin, but he didn’t go in depth about the situation. He told her about Daehwi and his members. She told him about her methods and experience when it comes to trauma and anxiety.

When he told her about his depression, he was relieved that she was qualified for that, too. While it wasn’t as bad as it used to be, Jisung was right when he said it still affected him later in life.

His mind was tired by the time the appointment ended. They said their goodbyes and their manager made more appointments for the following week. They’d probably still be on hiatus then.

Jisung held his hand during the car ride to the dorm, but Seungmin wanted to pull away. He felt like he was intruding and Jisung’s soft touches weren’t for him anymore. He’d have to tone down the physical affection, otherwise he’d feel too awkward. Being the third wheel was difficult enough.

---

They all decided to continue their hiatus for another week, making their personal hiatuses two weeks long. They had a few days of peaceful sleep before Jeongin had a nightmare. They were sleeping in his and Jisung’s room; originally, Seungmin was sleeping on Jeongin’s bed and the other two slept on Jisung’s, but Seungmin ended up joining the other two on Jisung’s bed. Jisung comforted Jeongin more than Seungmin did, but he understood.

It wasn’t his place anymore. And maybe it never would be.

Later that day, Jisung and Seungmin were sitting on the couch together while Jeongin made lunch. Jisung sat down directly beside Seungmin, and the younger boy took what he could get.

“Have you thought about how long your hiatus will be?” Seungmin asked.

“A little bit,” Jisung said. “I think therapy will definitely help, but I’m still anxious, so maybe another two weeks. You?”

“Same. I think therapy will be good for me.” Jisung nodded.

“That’s good. I’ve been craving the practice room for the past few days. I can’t wait to go back.”

“Me too. I miss my vocal coach, to be honest. She’s so nice and I haven’t properly practiced in a while.”

“Maybe we could do karaoke after lunch,” Jisung suggested. “It’d be fun and useful. It’s been a while, anyway.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” Jisung leaned his head on Seungmin’s shoulder, and Seungmin swallowed thickly. Ever since Jisung and Jeongin began dating - although they never said anything to him, which hurt Seungmin - he’d been thinking about them more romantically. He hated that he was, though. It wasn’t his business.

When the members arrived home that night, Chan pulled Seungmin aside.

“Is something going on between you three?” At Seungmin’s confused look, Chan added, “Sungie and Innie seem like they’re getting closer but you’re getting further away. I want to make sure everything is okay.”

How is he supposed to answer that?

“Everything’s fine,” he said. “I’ve just been wanting a little more alone time now that we’re on hiatus.” It wasn’t a lie, really.

Chan looked skeptical, but he nodded anyway. “Just… Tell me if you need anything, okay?” Seungmin was confused again - he didn’t think anything was that out of the ordinary - but Chan didn’t continue, so he nodded.

The truth was, Chan was still worried. He wasn’t sure what happened while they weren’t home, but something was up with Jisung and Jeongin. He didn’t want to assume anything, but he could only think of one scenario that would leave Seungmin alone and the other two closer. He never said it out loud, though.

He was mostly worried about Seungmin. Not only was he being left alone, but Chan thought that Seungmin liked one of the other two boys. So, if his assumptions were correct, Seungmin would be feeling hurt yet unable to tell anyone. He didn’t want to force the younger boy to share anything he didn’t want to, though. None of the members ever told each other about their sexualities being anything other than straight - as far as Chan knows, anyway - yet everyone had certain characteristics that made Chan suspicious. But he had no right or reason to assume.

He continued to monitor the three boys whenever he had the chance. If they were in the living room, he’d see them sitting on the couch, Jisung and Jeongin thigh-to-thigh and Seungmin sitting half of a meter away. If they were in the kitchen, Jisung and Jeongin would be laughing and making jokes while Seungmin stood silently. If they were sleeping, Jisung and Jeongin were curled around each other with Seungmin facing away from them.

He knew something was going on, no matter what Seungmin told him.

---

Jeongin joined them on the day of their second therapy appointment. He had to sit in the waiting area the whole time, but he wanted to keep the other two boys company. Jisung’s appointment was first again, so he and Seungmin sat together. There was an awkward silence and Jeongin didn’t like it.

“How was your first therapy appointment, hyung?”

“It was fine,” Seungmin mumbled. “Just introduced ourselves and summarized what I need help with.” Jeongin nodded. He still wasn’t planning on having therapy any time soon, but he was curious about what they did for a whole hour.

The awkward silence continued. Jeongin hoped that Seungmin would ask him something in return, or just talk to him about anything, but he didn’t. That was unusual of him.

It was then that he realized he hadn’t seen much of his ‘usual Seungmin’ since at least a week ago. That made him worry; did he do something wrong? Did Jisung do something wrong? Seungmin spent less time with them and didn’t speak to them nearly as much as he did at the beginning of and before their hiatus.

He snuck a glance at the older boy, and he saw his teeth worrying at his bottom lip and his knee bouncing. He knew that Seungmin wasn’t okay mentally yet and he hated that there was so little he could do to help. Jisung, too.

What if he and Jisung were spending too much time with each other and not enough with Seungmin? Did their new relationship get in between their previous ones? When Jeongin first considered dating anyone, he promised himself that he wouldn’t let his intimate relationship with someone get in the way of his platonic relationships with others. And he was failing himself.

Before Jeongin could think anymore, the door was opening and Seungmin was standing. Has it already been an hour? he thought. A glance at the clock told him it’d been only forty-five minutes - but still, how did his mind keep him occupied for so long?

“Innie?” Jeongin looked up and saw Jisung moving to sit beside him in Seungmin’s old spot. “You okay? You look like you’re thinking too much.”

“I’m fine, hyung, I promise.” Jisung kept staring at him. “How was your appointment?” he asked instead. Jisung sighed.

“It was fine. Noona was talking about me going back on my medication. I’m not sure if I want to, though.” Jeongin nodded. Jisung’s anxiety medication helped him, but it also decreased his appetite to the point where the other members had to remind him to eat sometimes. He also had more difficulty with sleep, which caused him to take sleeping medication. He still took sleeping medication, but he stopped taking the anxiety medication about two years ago. He was allergic to some of the other medication options, so he decided to just stick with this one. Jeongin understood why he’d be hesitant.

“It’s your choice, hyung. But you know I’ll be here every step of the way.” Jisung took his hand and kissed his cheek before resting his head on the younger’s shoulder. They could see their manager on the other side of the waiting room on his phone, so they didn’t increase their physical contact. Their staff knew that they were a very touch-oriented group, so some things were fine and wouldn’t raise suspicion.

It was only three o’clock in the afternoon. The other members would arrive home around eight, minus the rest of 3RACHA. Jeongin made it his mission to monitor Seungmin for the rest of the day and try to involve him more. Then he would talk to Jisung and they could figure out what went wrong.

---

Seungmin noticed how Jeongin kept sneaking glances at him after their therapy sessions. He looked out the window on the car ride back to the dorm, but he heard them whispering as if they didn’t want him to hear. That made sense, though; they were a couple now. They had their own secrets, and the others couldn’t interfere with that.

Jeongin suggested they play video games when they returned to the dorm. Seungmin was tired after therapy, though - he shared more information this time and Seongyeon gave him tips. She wanted him to record the moments when he felt depressed, anxious, or had some sort of a flashback, then he’d share it with her at the next appointment and they’d talk about why. He wasn’t excited, that was for sure. It better be worth it, he thought.

He told them that he wanted to take a nap instead, and they just nodded. They’d probably enjoy some alone time, he thought. He wanted to smack himself. Why couldn’t his brain shut up about that already?

He quickly changed his clothes before climbing into bed and setting an alarm for seven thirty. That would give him about three hours of sleep, and that sounded heavenly.

But sleep wouldn’t come.

His mind kept replaying every interaction he’d seen between Jisung and Jeongin since the two began dating. He noticed the subtle details now - the looks in their eyes, their smiles, their body language, the way they spoke. Even when they spoke to Seungmin, which made it worse. He was able to keep the thoughts out of his mind in the past, but now he was seeing them in a different light.

His eyes opened and he sighed. He was curled up comfortably on his side with the blanket covering him from neck to toe, but he still couldn’t sleep. He was exhausted. His eyes stung.

Why can’t I get over them? Over all of them? Why does their happiness bother me so much? I put them through all of that shit, traumatized them, and now I’m getting in the way of their relationship. Why can’t I be a good, supportive friend?

He felt a tear fall down his temple, so he squeezed his eyes shut and shoved his face into his pillow to muffle his cries. He thought that the hiatus would be good for all of them, but apparently not for him.

---

When Seungmin left to take a nap, Jeongin brought Jisung to sit on the couch. The older boy raised a curious eyebrow at Jeongin’s troubled expression.

“I think something’s up with Seungmin.”

Jisung looked confused yet understanding at the same time. “What do you mean?”

“You must’ve noticed how he hasn’t spent much time with us lately. I don’t know how we didn’t notice before.”

Jisung thought for a moment and his eyes widened. “Oh.”

“I think we’ve been focusing on our relationship so much that we’re leaving Seungmin out,” Jeongin said quietly.

“Oh no…” His eyes were as wide as saucers and they shone with guilt. “I didn’t realize.”

“Neither did I,” Jeongin sighed. “I think we need to talk to him. I don’t know why he’s being distant all of the sudden.”

“Do you think he knows about us?” Jisung’s heart jumped. They hadn’t thought of that. “What if he’s not okay with it?”

“Hyung,” he placated, “this is Seungmin we’re talking about. Of course he’d be okay with it.” He spoke gently, but there was a slight uncertainty in his voice. He trusted Seungmin, though, and he knew that he would never judge or discriminate. So why was he acting differently now?

Jisung leaned back into the cushion. “What should we do?”

“I think we should talk to him,” Jeongin said. “Or we can watch him tomorrow and try to do more things with him. It could be us pulling away and we didn’t notice it.” Jisung nodded, but they both thought the last statement was mostly false.

Jisung grabbed Jeongin’s hand. Jisung cared a lot for all of the members, but it was a little different with Seungmin. Seungmin always helped him with his anxiety when they were in public, and Jisung was never able to fully pay him back for everything he did. He didn’t realize how much he craved the younger boy until now.

He moved closer to Jeongin and threw a leg over the younger’s lap, resting his head on his shoulder. Jeongin’s free hand went to Jisung’s hair and he sighed.

“I love you, Innie.”

“I love you, too.” He felt Jeongin kiss the top of his head. He and the younger had gotten so much closer during the past two weeks, and he felt himself falling more in love every day.

But he couldn’t stop the uneasy feeling in his gut when he thought about Seungmin distancing himself. His feelings about Seungmin weren’t the same as Jeongin’s, but they weren’t platonic, either. Seungmin had a strange effect on him and he wasn’t sure why. He felt bad keeping those feelings from Jeongin, but he was worried about the younger boy’s reaction. What if he got upset or jealous that Jisung was eyeing someone else? He still loved Jeongin, but he loved Seungmin, too. Maybe the other members were included somewhere in the tangled mess in Jisung’s hypothalamus.

Jisung tensed and Jeongin must have felt it. “Hyung? You okay?” Maybe he should tell Jeongin. If he wanted their relationship to last, they had to be completely honest with each other. And God, did he want it to last.

“I… I need to tell you something,” he whispered. Jeongin pulled away slightly, giving Jisung a weary look.

“What is it?”

Jisung hesitated. He sat up properly and gathered himself. “Okay. I need you to hear me out fully and try to understand what I say, okay? Because I don’t want this to affect our relationship at all but I need to tell you.” Jisung was nervous, but so was Jeongin. Jisung looked so anxious that Jeongin worried for him and himself.

“Okay,” the younger said unsurely.

Jisung took a deep breath. “I love you. So, so much. But I also love someone else. Maybe multiple people.” He gulped at the surprise in Jeongin’s eyes and looked away. “I still love you, but I love them too, if that makes sense? I know you don’t feel that way, and that’s perfectly fine and understandable. I don’t have to act on anything that you’re not okay with. I just… I think I’m in love with all of the members. Seungmin especially,” he whispered, anxiety brimming.

He didn’t hear or feel a response, so he looked at Jeongin. He was shocked at the tears in the maknae’s wide eyes. “Innie?” he asked, voice wobbling.

Jeongin shook his head and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Jisung’s heart dropped along with his face. “I’m sorry, Innie, I really am.”

“No, no, don’t apologize,” Jeongin gushed. He blinked harshly and a tear fell down his cheek. “I just wasn’t expecting you to say that. Ever.”

He almost looked happy and Jisung was confused. Jeongin couldn’t…

“I feel the same way.”

Now it was Jisung’s turn to gape. “What?”

Jeongin shushed him when he spoke a little too loudly. “Be quieter. He can’t hear us,” he whispered. Jisung nodded, mouth still open.

“But… What?”

Jeongin sighed and held Jisung’s hand in both of his own hands, facing the older boy. “I’m in love with them too. I didn’t tell you because I thought it was impossible that you’d feel the same way. But I guess not.”

Jisung nearly choked and he put a hand over his mouth. “This isn’t real.” Jeongin giggled.

“Yeah.” He smiled, but then it dropped in seriousness. “Should we… talk about this?”

“Probably.” They shifted to sit in their previous positions, Jisung cuddling up to Jeongin’s side. “So… You really have feelings for all six of them?”

“All seven.” Jisung huffed. “Yes, I do. All of the hyungs have always been there for me and I would do anything for them. I know they would for me, too. I don’t even know when I realized my feelings weren’t platonic, I just know that all of you mean the world to me and more.”

“You’re so cheesy, Innie.” Jeongin slapped his shoulder. “But I feel the same way. I realized it a couple months ago, but when the three of us spent so much time as just us, it’s like the feelings multiplied. I was falling for both of you more, and I was ecstatic when you confessed back to me. I must have been too absorbed in the fact that you love me back to notice how Minnie was pulling away. I have the same feelings for him as I have for you, and I feel terrible that I didn’t notice him pulling away from us.”

Jeongin sighed. “Me too. I loved you all before, but we’re even closer now. I’m glad I noticed that something was up with hyung, though, before it got too late. We can still fix whatever is wrong.”

Jisung agreed. “Should we tell Seungmin about this, though?”

“I don’t think so. Not yet. We should ask him what’s going on, then we can tell him that we’re dating. I feel like he already knows, though.” Jisung nodded. “I’m not confident enough to tell any of the members how I feel. It’d be too awkward afterwards.”

“Yeah, definitely.” They felt closer before, but now they felt like they knew each other better than they knew themselves. Jisung was happy but he was also sad.

They’d have to talk to Seungmin the next day.

---

Seungmin opened his eyes when he heard his alarm go off. He wasn’t sure when he fell asleep but it must have not been too long ago; his eyes were crusty from his tears and he felt a headache approaching. He was parched.

He turned off his phone and rubbed his eyes before he sat up. The other members should be home within the next thirty minutes, but he wished he didn’t set the alarm in the first place. They wouldn’t bother him if he was asleep.

He needed water, though, so he stood slowly and moved to the kitchen, and he was relieved when he didn’t hear or see anyone. He filled a glass with cold water and drank it slowly. His mind was finally empty, and he sighed as he felt himself relax in the silence.

He wasn’t sure what their plans were for dinner, but he hoped someone had a plan. Minho would be coming back with the rest of DANCERACHA soon, so hopefully they got takeout or Minho could make something for them.

Seungmin ran a hand through his hair as he went to the living room. His heart jumped when he entered.

Jisung was nearly sitting on Jeongin’s lap as they both slept peacefully, hands and legs intertwined. Seungmin’s breath stuttered. They were gorgeous when they were asleep. Intruder, he thought.

He fought back his jealousy and fondness and picked up a nearby blanket, carefully draping it over the two boys before stepping back. He should leave. He wanted to leave. He went back to his bedroom and laid back down, opening his phone. His eyes hurt.

Hyunjin sent a text to the group chat that they were getting tteokbokki on their way home, so Seungmin sent a thumbs up emoji. He turned off his phone and set it on his chest, staring up at the ceiling.

His brain was still foggy. It was as if having less contact with the others slowly ebbed away at his emotions until he barely felt anything. He was reminded of when he was depressed before becoming an idol, and he felt a ping of anxiety at the thought. Were the other members like an antidepressant for him? He’d never been on medication and he felt better over time, but now that it was coming back, he felt like he lost something. He also felt that he’d feel better if he started hanging out with Jisung and Jeongin again; if he had their soft touches again.

The members were like his drug. Once he stopped seeing and touching them, withdrawal symptoms hit him at full force.

He wasn’t sure how long he laid there before the front door opened. Someone announced their arrival, but then they got quieter; Seungmin assumed they saw Jisung and Jeongin on the couch.

He heard someone enter his room and say something but he wasn’t sure what. Then a hand appeared in his line of vision and he blinked. It was Hyunjin.

“Seungmin?” He looked worried as he stared down at Seungmin. “What’s wrong?”

He took a second too long to reply. “Nothing. Just tired.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Hyunjin,” he said sternly. He wasn’t in the mood for those questions and Hyunjin noticed.

“Okay… Well, the food’s here if you’re hungry.” He wasn’t.

“I’ll be there in a minute.” He didn’t move, so Hyunjin stood up.

“Okay.” Hyunjin looked very skeptical and concerned, but Seungmin didn’t waver. He left the room, and Seungmin sighed, looking back at the ceiling.

He was fucked.

---

By the time Seungmin joined the others for dinner, they already had their servings and were sitting at the table. He felt awkward as he grabbed a plate and a small amount of tteokbokki before he sat next to Jisung. Hyunjin sent him worried looks but Minho and Felix seemed unaware of the tension as they shoveled food into their mouths like it was their last meal.

“How was your day?” Jisung asked Minho. They liked to ask the others what they did at the company; it gave them a sense of familiarity and they could see how things were going after Jaemin and Wooseok got arrested.

“It was alright. I spent some time with Chan hyung and Changbinnie but I was dancing for most of the day. Management is still busy with everything but the vocal and dance instructors are available. It’s nice after spending so much time here.” Minho was nearly finished with his food as he spoke. Felix looked similar, and Jeongin saw his eyes drooping.

“Sounds nice,” Jeongin mumbled. That made Minho look up at him.

“Are you thinking about coming back soon?” Jeongin shook his head.

“I want to start working again, but… I don’t think I’m comfortable enough to be there right now, even if the members are with me. I think I might be fine next week, though.” Minho nodded in understanding.

“Jisungie? Seungmin? What about you?”

“I’m not ready,” Jisung said. “I keep getting anxious even when I’m not thinking about the company or staff and it just gets worse if I do think about them. I don’t know when I’ll be ready mentally but I think therapy is the key, so maybe two more weeks?” Jeongin grabbed his hand underneath the table and sent Jisung a smile. That was something Jisung noticed; Jeongin was a great cure for his anxiety. Simply being in the other boy’s presence was enough to make him feel better. They were together constantly over hiatus which helped him, but one thought about the staff and company brought it back.

Minho nodded and looked at Seungmin. “Seungminnie?” His voice was noticeably softer.

Seungmin stopped poking his food. He didn’t feel like talking - he wasn’t totally nonverbal like he was when Jaemin and Wooseok got arrested, but it took more energy to open his mouth than he wanted to give. He didn’t have a choice, though.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, looking down. “I’m not ready.” That was something he was sure about - his mental state was complete shit. He didn’t think he was depressed yet, but he felt more numb than before.

The others waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t. Minho opened his mouth but Hyunjin spoke first. “That’s okay. Take your time, all of you.” Hyunjin’s eyes were locked on the top of Seungmin’s head as he addressed the three of them. Something was definitely wrong.

Jeongin shared a look with Hyunjin and knew that there was something he didn’t know. He raised an eyebrow but Hyunjin just shrugged. Jeongin stood and cleared his empty plate, taking Minho’s, Hyunjin’s, and Jisung’s with him. Felix and Seungmin still had food on their plates.

“Lixie,” Hyunjin called, stroking his hair. Felix flinched and lifted his chin off of his hand, eyes squinting.

“Huh?” Hyunjin giggled.

“Don’t fall asleep on your food.”

Felix looked down. “Oh.” He looked up apologetically, but all Jeongin saw was exhaustion. “I’m sorry, I can’t finish mine.”

“Don’t apologize, hyung. You don’t have to eat everything. Just get some sleep.” Felix nodded and picked up his plate, but Jeongin took it from him. “Go to bed, hyung.”

“Come on,” Hyunjin said. He held onto Felix’s elbow as he led him out of the room, grabbing both of their bags on the way. The Australian was pretty talkative during the car ride back to the dorm, but it seemed like all of his adrenaline was crashing. Hyunjin was beginning to feel his eyes drooping, too.

He brought Felix to his room and decided that he’d sleep with the younger boy. Chan and Changbin wouldn’t be back for a while, anyway, and he missed his Felix-cuddles. They hadn’t slept in the same bed very often since they were stuck in the dorm, instead just going to their own rooms and beds when they arrived home.

Hyunjin told Felix to get ready for bed and that he’d be back in a minute. He left towards Minho’s room.

The older boy was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking equally exhausted as Felix. “Hyung?”

Minho looked up. “What?”

“I just… Nevermind. We can talk later. Just go to sleep.” Hyunjin began to turn around, but Minho spoke.

“No, it’s fine. We can talk now if you’d like.” Hyunjin could tell that Minho was interested in whatever he had to say, so he took a seat next to the older boy. “What’s up?”

Hyunjin sighed. “You’ve noticed how Sungie, Minnie, and Innie have been acting a little different around each other, right?” Minho nodded. It seemed like everyone had noticed it. “I think there’s something going on between them. Either Jisung and Jeongin or all three of them, but… Do you know what I’m saying?”

Minho nodded. “Yeah, I was thinking about that too. Sometimes it seems like they’re getting closer and other times it’s like they're drifting apart.”

“I’m really worried, to be honest,” Hyunjin said. “When I walked into Seungmin’s room earlier, he was spacing out and he looked… I don’t even know.” He shook his head. “He sounded empty and annoyed when I asked if he was okay. It’s weird though, because Sungie and Innie seem fine.”

“Yeah. I don’t want to ask them about it too much, though, until they come to us themselves. They should know when they’re ready, they’re adults now. The other two will help Seungminnie since they spend all day and every day together. I’m sure they’ll figure it out themselves.” Hyunjin nodded. He was glad that he shared his thoughts with the older boy, but he wished he got more out of it. Minho was tired, though, so he called it a night.

“I’ll see you in the morning, hyung. Sleep well.”

“You too.” Minho pulled his curtain shut, so Hyunjin went to the bathroom and quickly got ready for bed.

He went back to Felix’s room and saw the younger boy laying in bed, fighting to keep his eyes open. He crawled in next to him and made sure the blanket was covering both of them snugly, then he pulled Felix to his chest. Felix laid on top of him as he held him close, and Hyunjin finally relaxed. He’d missed this. He missed the younger boy’s touch.

Jeongin watched fondly as the two older boys left the kitchen, noticing how Hyunjin quieted down for Felix when he saw how exhausted the Australian was. Jeongin thought Felix was adorable when he was sleepy and squinting like he needed glasses, and he was sure the others did, too.

He cleared Felix’s plate and put it in the sink. Minho stood and brought his empty plate to the sink, but Jeongin snatched it from him. Minho just stared at him, unimpressed, with his hand still raised in the air as if he was still holding it. Jeongin put the dish in the sink and turned to smile at Minho.

“You’re welcome, hyung,” he said cheekily.

“Brat,” Minho grumbled. He had a frown on his face when he lowered his arm. He turned around to go to his room, but Jeongin heard what he mumbled as he walked into the hallway. “Thank you.”

Jeongin giggled. He looked at Jisung and saw him smiling while looking back at Jeongin. They gave each other sweet looks before Jeongin went to get Seungmin’s plate. It looked like the older boy had one or two bites, but his chopsticks were just making circles around the food and moving inwards like a spiral. Jeongin gently took the chopsticks out of Seungmin’s weak grasp and took his plate, causing the older boy to look up. Jeongin smiled and didn’t say anything.

“Do you want to go to the living room, Seungminnie?” Jisung asked. “We can watch something since hyungs aren’t home yet and the others are sleeping.” Seungmin shook his head, immediately concerning Jeongin.

“I’m tired. I’m going to bed now.” Seungmin stood and pushed in his chair before leaving, not sparing a glance at the other two. They looked at each other worriedly.

“I seriously don’t know what happened,” Jisung said quietly. “I know we haven’t spent as much time together but he shouldn’t be so down because of that. What if… What if he’s depressed?” Jisung’s eyes widened as he spoke.

“I don’t know,” Jeongin mumbled. He pulled Jisung out of his chair and towards their bedroom. “I really hope not. We can talk to him in the morning and find out, though. There’s nothing else we can do right now that won’t make it worse.” Jisung nodded and sighed.

Jeongin wrapped his arm around Jisung’s shoulder as they closed the door and sat down on the older boy’s bed. Jisung moved to straddle Jeongin’s lap and the younger boy held him tightly, both of them soaking up the comfort of each other. Jisung sighed softly before he gave a soft kiss on Jeongin’s neck. He left a few more and Jeongin held him tighter. Jeongin pulled away to cup his cheek and give him a slow, sweet kiss on the lips, and Jisung hummed and wrapped his arms around Jeongin’s shoulders.

This was Jisung’s favorite form of comfort: being held by his boyfriend and getting lost in his soft and caring touches. Jeongin knew just how to ease his anxiety, and Jisung hoped he did the same for the other boy. Boys, he wished.

“Why are you such a good kisser?” Jisung asked, resting his forehead against Jeongin’s. Jeongin technically had his first kiss in elementary school like many children did, but his real first kiss was with Jisung when he confessed. He was a natural, though, and Jisung always reminded him.

“Dunno,” Jeongin said, grinning. “I’m a natural, aren’t I?”

“Yeah. You are.” Jisung kissed him again - while Jeongin was a natural, Jisung was experienced. He knew the best way to move his lips, angle his head, when to use tongue or nip, where to put his hands. He knew how to overwhelm Jeongin in the best way.

They pulled away after a minute and stared into each other’s eyes, no words needing to be said.

They could do it. Together they could help Seungmin and find out what was wrong. But they had to be patient with him; Seungmin was fragile whether the boy would acknowledge it or not. He was close to being vulnerable, only being held back by his negative emotions. But Jisung was determined to change that.

He gave Jeongin another kiss before sliding off of his lap to brush his teeth. The sooner he slept, the sooner the morning would come.

---

When Seungmin excused himself from dinner, he felt a pit forming in his gut. He hated the way Jisung and Jeongin looked at him, as if they were upset that he wasn’t spending time with them. He didn’t want to hurt their feelings, but didn’t they want alone time, anyway? Now that he thought about it, maybe he was giving them too much alone time. It was his internal excuse every time he left for his room, but he did it constantly.

He didn’t change his clothes or go to the bathroom before he crawled in bed. He couldn’t care less at the moment.

He felt his eyes sting slightly, but the feeling left just as soon as it came. God, he forgot how horrible this felt. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, but nothing came out. He had nothing.

He pulled the blanket higher up on his shoulders. The pit in his gut stretched to his chest, and a small portion of it filled with anxiety. He took a shaky breath.

Was it worth it? Was it worth it distancing himself from the other two if it made him feel like this? He was starting to think that it was a mistake, but if it made the other two happier, then he would do it forever. But he knew that the members cared about him. What if it had the opposite effect and they were upset? He thought they’d enjoy time without him, but they might want to see him sometimes. He didn’t know what they were thinking but he knew there was only one way to find out. His mind was splitting in two.

He curled up on his side and put his arms over his face. He forced himself to take a deep breath.

“Seungmin-ah?” He jumped. He heard Minho’s curtain open and he completely forgot that the older boy was there. “Are you okay? I can hear you breathing.”

Seungmin forced himself to breathe slowly and quietly, even though it was straining his lungs. He knew Minho was facing him and he couldn’t stop the slight trembles of his body. He heard a sigh before the bed dipped behind him.

“We know something is bothering you. You’re acting like you're depressed, Min-ah. I know that Jisung and Jeongin are with you all day, but if you don’t talk to them, you’ll only feel worse. I think you know that.” Minho didn’t touch him and he was both grateful and longing for it. Minho sighed again. “Can you look at me, Seungmin?”

Minho’s voice was uncharacteristically soft. Seungmin shuddered when he slowly turned his head and saw Minho’s worried face. It was an uncommon look for the older boy. “Can I lay with you?”

Seungmin didn’t speak as he shifted forward slightly to give Minho more room. Minho wordlessly got under the covers and faced Seungmin’s back. Seungmin didn’t move and Minho put a hand on his waist, making the younger boy’s breath shake.

“Listen to me. I know we don’t talk about emotions and I actively avoid it, but I’m here for you no matter what. I know what it’s like to be depressed and I hate seeing you going down the same path. If you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine, but please talk to someone.” Seungmin paused at that and one of his eyes stung again. He turned his head and he felt pain at the worry in Minho’s features.

“Seungmin,” Minho whispered, eyes desperate as he put a hand on Seungmin’s face. Seungmin had never seen the older boy like this before, not even during the survival show. This was different.

“Hyung,” he whispered wetly. “I’m sorry.” He never knew that Minho suffered from depression before.

Minho wrapped an arm around Seungmin to turn his body around and pull him close. “Don’t apologize, Seungmin. Just listen.” Seungmin gasped slightly into Minho’s chest. “I don’t know what you’re thinking. The rest of us can’t be here during the day, but Jisung and Jeongin are. You can talk to them about anything and they’ll always listen to you. Don’t let your feelings build up until they consume you. Please. I know it’s hard but I know you can do it. You’re strong, Seungmin-ah.” Minho’s voice was desperate and almost watery, and it made Seungmin shudder again.

He clutched at Minho’s shirt. “‘M sorry, hyung, ‘m sorry,” he rambled. He felt terrible for upsetting Minho like this. Minho knew what he was feeling, and knowing that only made everything worse. His breath hitched and Minho rubbed his back.

“I’m not looking for an apology, Seungmin. I just need you to understand.” He did. He wanted to tell Minho that he understood, that he’d try, that he felt like shit. He could only whine. Minho shushed him. “I know, I know,” he comforted. “Take a deep breath, Min.”

He did. He took another, and Minho held him through it.

“Hyung.” He clung to Minho’s shoulders. “I don’t know what to do, hyung.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t… I can’t.” He really couldn’t.

“If you can’t tell me, at least tell someone. Can you do that?”

Could he? He didn’t think he’d be able to tell Jisung and Jeongin about his feelings directly without breaking down. And he really didn’t want to do that. But Minho would understand, he thought. The main dancer was the best in the group at keeping secrets and he never judged any of them. He made snarky comments and seemed cruel, but he was caring in the end.

Maybe Seungmin could share his sexuality? That was a pretty important part of his problem. Sharing his feelings about the members would be going way too far.

“Hyung…” Minho rubbed his back.

“Can you look at me?” Seungmin sniffled before he pulled away, and the tear running down Minho’s face broke his heart. He caused that. “You can talk to me.”

“Hyung, what if…” He took a deep breath and used Minho’s caring look as motivation. He could do it. “What if I told you I like boys?” He started slowly.

“I wouldn’t think any differently of you. You’re still the same Seungmin I’ve always known and whoever you love doesn’t change that.”

“But…”

“Hey, no buts, okay? I won’t lie to you. I promise.” Seungmin knew that. Minho always told everything like it was and didn’t sugarcoat anything.

“I’m gay, hyung,” he whispered. Minho smiled to ease his worries.

“That’s okay, Seungmin-ah. I… I’m bisexual.” Seungmin’s breath caught.

“What?” Minho stroked his hair.

“You’re not alone, Seungmin. It’s okay.”

Seungmin never expected Minho to say that. He knew that Minho had girlfriends before he became a backup dancer but he never heard anything about boys. He assumed Minho was straight, but he probably shouldn’t have. Assuming wasn’t good.

Seungmin felt a tear run down his temple. Maybe there was a chance of the members dating… No. He shut that thought down immediately. That was absurd. Eight men…

“I know you’ve probably heard otherwise, but being gay isn’t a bad thing. It’s just who you are, just like how your personality and your face are only yours. And we love you, Seungmin. No matter your sexuality. You can love whoever you want.”

Either Minho already thought Seungmin was gay or he was good at masking his expression. He showed no surprise, only sincerity and care.

He cupped Seungmin’s face. “Is this what’s been bothering you?” Seungmin nodded; it was a quarter of the truth. “You can tell anyone in the group about this if you want to get it off of your chest. I came out to Channie hyung and Changbin-ah a couple of years ago and our friendship never changed. It would be the same for you, alright?”

Seungmin nodded and tucked his nose into Minho’s neck. He missed these touches and he started to regret distancing himself.

“Tell them eventually, okay? If it’s affecting you this much, you need to get help. And you can talk to me whenever you want to.” Minho pulled Seungmin closer as the younger boy finally drifted off to sleep.

---

It wasn’t a peaceful sleep, but Seungmin felt well-rested when he woke up. He saw Minho getting out of bed and the older boy noticed his gaze.

“Go back to sleep,” he whispered, tucking the blanket around Seungmin’s body. “It’s five o’clock. I have to get ready for work.” Seungmin nodded sleepily and closed his eyes again. He wasn’t sure if he dreamt the kiss on his forehead or not.

He woke up again around ten o’clock. Jisung and Jeongin were probably awake, so Seungmin got out of bed cautiously. He padded his way to the kitchen for a glass of water but he didn’t see or hear anyone, so he chugged the cold liquid quickly before he took a shower. It was scalding and he loved it.

He heard Jisung and Jeongin in the living room after he got dressed. He remembered what Minho told him the night before, but he couldn’t help the anxiety building in his stomach. Maybe tomorrow, he thought.

He returned to the kitchen to find something for breakfast and Jeongin saw him.

“Good morning, hyung!”

“‘Morning.” Jeongin sounded too hyper for so early in the morning and Seungmin didn’t have the energy or will to act the same.

“What do you want to do today, Seungmin-ah?” Jisung asked. “We were thinking of playing some video games.” Seungmin thought. Some pressure was lifted off of his chest the night before thanks to Minho, but the hole was still there. Would Jisung and Jeongin be able to relieve him of that, too? Even if he didn’t share anything with them?

“Sure.” Jisung and Jeongin smiled widely but Seungmin didn’t smile back. Why were they so energized?

He played games with Jisung and Jeongin, not sharing their touches and laughs but sharing the experience. He began talking a little more as they played but he didn’t speak freely with them. He felt the best he had since their hiatus began, though, and he hated that he forced himself to stay away from them. Away from his life.

He let his thoughts disappear as he focused on the other two boys and the way they smiled, spoke, and laughed. Everything he’d been craving but was too scared to get near.

Jeongin won seven games, Seungmin won five, and Jisung won two. Jeongin definitely let Seungmin win a couple, but no one said anything. They played for a few hours before they all got bored, even Jeongin.

“Let’s do something else,” the youngest suggested.

“Really?” Jisung asked sarcastically. “You don’t want to play games?”

“It’s been, like, five hours. So no, I don’t want to play games,” he sassed. Seungmin almost laughed. Almost. “Minnie hyung, what do you want to do?”

Seungmin felt like they were talking to him more than they had over the last week. Did they know something was up with him? He hoped they were busy enough and wouldn’t notice his absence, but maybe not.

“I don’t know.”

“How about we have a late lunch?” Jisung suggested. “It’s almost five o’clock, anyway, and I haven’t eaten much today.” Seungmin had a protein bar before they played games at eleven, so he was hungry too.

They all agreed and made easy sandwiches. Jeongin was fifth best at cooking, Seungmin sixth, and Jisung seventh - Chan and Minho ended up making the list when they first moved in and not much changed over the years. Chan moved from first to second after about a year and Felix took Jeongin’s fourth place after he baked enough brownies that his cooking skills improved, too. Hyunjin was always last but he always argued that he and Jisung were the same. Everyone agreed with him but they never said anything; Hyunjin and Jisung’s arguments were always entertaining since they didn’t dislike each other anymore. When they first became a group, however, everyone dreaded their conversations.

Seungmin was content with sixth, though. Considering he wasn’t taught how to cook at all before they became a group - other than one cooking class he took in middle school - he was glad to be better than two of them. But, seeing as Hyunjin made both rice and pancakes over the last month or so, he might’ve finally beaten Jisung.

The three of them were in the last half, though, so they usually ate leftovers or made simple things. No one complained.

They sat at the table and Seungmin purposely sat in Jeongin’s seat. That way, Jisung and Jeongin could sit next to each other. He figured there’d be an uncomfortable silence if he was in between them.

But it didn’t matter much. If anything, he thought it was worse.

Jisung and Jeongin were whispering to each other, almost as if Seungmin wasn’t there - they snuck him a few glances, though, so he assumed they were talking about him. Great. He looked down awkwardly at his half-eaten sandwich until the other two finished eating. They both waited for a few more minutes, seemingly waiting for Seungmin to finish, but he didn’t touch his sandwich again.

“Hey, Seungmin hyung?” He gulped and hummed. Jeongin’s voice was noticeably softer than it was before they ate. “Are you done eating?” Seungmin nodded. Jeongin stood and took all of their plates to the sink. He kindly wrapped Seungmin’s sandwich and put it in the fridge for him to have later; Seungmin knew that he wouldn’t eat it, but his heart warmed at the gesture anyway.

Jisung brought Seungmin to the living room while Jeongin finished up the dishes. Jisung waited until Seungmin sat down first on the left side of the couch, then he sat on the other side. Seungmin was a little surprised, but he was glad Jisung wasn’t initiating contact. He got nervous when he held their hands or cuddled with them because of their new relationship and the other two initiated it more with each other than with him. He was hurt but he understood.

Seungmin was playing with his sleeves when Jeongin walked into the room. He sat down on the coffee table so all three of them could see each other.

Both he and Jisung looked serious as if they were going to have an important conversation with him, but he had no idea what it could be about. Hiatus? Their relationship with Seungmin? Their relationship with each other? Seungmin hoped they weren’t uncomfortable having him nearby when they wanted to spend time together. He tried to stay distant, but there was only so much they could do while stuck in the dorm. Especially when they kept pulling him closer.

The mood was already serious, so Jeongin started talking. “Seungminnie hyung, Sungie hyung and I wanted to talk to you about something.” Seungmin nodded nervously. The maknae was getting into it right away, and Seungmin figured that they played video games as a way to ‘warm-up.’ It didn’t work very well. “I think you’ve noticed that there’s something different going on between us. Am I right?”

Seungmin hesitated. Were they thinking the same thing? What if Jeongin was talking about something else and Seungmin was completely wrong? He wasn’t sure if Jeongin was referring to all three of them or just him and Jisung. He nodded nonetheless, and he crossed his arms as if he were cold.

Jeongin nodded back. “I think we should tell you. We feel like we’ve been drifting apart from you, and that’s our fault.” Seungmin and Jeongin both took a deep breath. Jeongin glanced at Jisung and the older boy nodded.

“Sungie hyung and I are dating. We got together a week after our personal hiatuses began.” Seungmin just stared at Jeongin for a moment before his eyes flickered to Jisung. The older boy looked more nervous than Jeongin, and Seungmin wanted to hold his hand. He pushed that thought out of his mind - that would definitely not be appropriate.

“I…” He cleared his throat. “I thought you were together. I didn’t say anything because I figured you didn’t want anyone to know.” It was silent for a moment.

“Seungminnie,” Jisung said, “we’re so sorry for how we’ve been treating you over the past couple of weeks. We were so focused on each other that we ended up pushing you away. I need you to know that it wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t intentional.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Seungmin cut in. “You’re dating now.” The words were foreign on his tongue. “You don’t have to spend as much time with me if you don’t want to. I understand.”

“No, hyung,” Jeongin said with determination. “I never wanted to push you away. I want to hang out with you just as much as I do Jisungie hyung.”

“But… you’re dating. It makes sense for you to want alone time.” Jeongin sighed.

“I don’t know how to say what I want to say.” The maknae put his head in his hands, but no one else moved. The other two were tense on the couch.

“I think what Innie is trying to say is that he still loves and cares about you, and I do too. We both want to keep our friendships just as close as they were beforehand. We’ll act differently with each other, of course, but we don’t want anything else to change.” Jisung spoke timidly yet sure of his words.

Seungmin didn’t know what he should say, so he said, “Okay.”

“Okay?” Jeongin asked. “That’s all?”

Seungmin shrugged, his arms still crossed. “I don’t know what else you want me to say…” he mumbled towards the floor. “I was trying to keep my distance so that you could have more alone time together. I know that’s hard to do when you share a dorm with six other people.”

His eyes were downcast, but Jeongin knew that Seungmin was a little bit upset. He was too. He sighed and moved to sit next to Seungmin, and he noticed the older boy’s flinch when Jeongin wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Don’t do that,” Jeongin said, looking at the side of Seungmin’s face. Seungmin didn’t look up, keeping his eyes locked on his crossed arms as he curled into himself and brought his knees close to his chest. “We didn’t mean that. We want to go back to how it was before, when we were closer.”

“I want you to seek me out again,” Jisung mumbled. He moved forward to sit on the edge of the couch so he could see Seungmin. “I want you to hold my hand, lean on me, laugh with me, cuddle with me in bed, ask for comfort when you need it.” Jisung blushed when he realized what he was saying, but he continued. “Don’t pull away from us, Minnie, just because the relationship between Innie and I changed. Our relationship with you never changed.”

Seungmin sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Jeongin brought his other arm around Seungmin’s front to hug him close. “I’m sorry, Seungmin.”

He just sniffled again. He was upset that he’d been hurting Jisung and Jeongin’s feelings the whole time, upset that he couldn’t be a part of their relationship, upset that they never told him about their relationship.

Jisung walked to the kitchen and came back with a tissue box, taking one out and handing it to Seungmin. He accepted it gratefully and Jeongin loosened the hug as he wiped his face.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realize I was hurting you both…”

“Don’t apologize,” Jeongin stated. “We should have noticed. We probably should have told you sooner but we were scared. You know how dating is for idols and all, especially in the same group.” Seungmin nodded.

“And the homosexual relationship,” Jisung added shyly. “I’m bisexual but never told anyone.”

“I’m pansexual,” Jeongin said, looking back at Jisung. They both forgot to share their sexualities with each other during their boundaries-talk.

Seungmin never thought too much about his members’ sexualities. Some of them made him question it, but he didn’t want to think too much and make assumptions. None of them ever spoke about it, and Seungmin wouldn’t be the one to bring up the topic. Maybe Changbin or Felix would, though.

They looked at Seungmin, but he knew they wouldn’t mind if he didn’t share his sexuality. He wanted to, though. “I’m not straight either,” he said quietly. He didn’t know why he couldn’t just say gay, but it seemed a little too strong.

“Thank you for telling us, Minnie,” Jisung said softly, giving him a smile. He moved to sit on the armrest next to Seungmin so he could pull him into a hug. Seungmin’s head was on his chest because of the height difference, but Seungmin found it more comforting that way. He lifted one hand to hold onto the front of Jisung’s shirt as he sniffled.

He’d missed this.

Jisung pulled him closer and shoved his face into Seungmin’s hair. Seungmin thought he might have given him a kiss on the head, but he wasn’t sure. Jeongin held him from behind, and one of his arms encircled Seungmin’s legs as well. He felt small, and safe, and loved.

Seungmin felt some of the tension from the past few weeks leave his body. He pushed his face into Jisung’s chest, taking it all in.

They must have sat there for a while before they heard the front door open. Seungmin glanced at the clock and he noticed that it was a little past six o’clock. The two 3RACHA hyungs must’ve come home earlier than DANCERACHA this time - Minho texted that morning that they’d be back around eight o’clock.

Seungmin was the first to pull away. He went to wipe his face with his hands, but Jisung did it for him. He blushed. Jisung gave him a smile before he stood to greet the two newcomers and stretch his legs.

“Hey, Channie hyung! Hi, Binnie hyung!” Jisung seemed to feel better after the conversation. Seungmin was glad.

“Hey, Sungie,” the leader greeted. “What are you guys up to?”

“We’re going to watch a movie,” Jeongin said from the couch. Seungmin’s eyes were still moist and his nose was stuffy, so he didn’t say anything. Changbin noticed him, anyway.

“Seungminnie, are you crying?” Seungmin just looked down, so Jisung answered for him.

“He was. But we’re fine now.” Jisung was confident in his words, so Chan and Changbin believed him.

Chan walked around the couch to give Seungmin a squeeze and the younger boy appreciated it. He didn’t hug back but he hid his face in Chan's shoulder. The oldest ruffled his hair when he stood up.

“Okay, we trust you,” he said. “Let one of us know if you need anything, okay?” He was addressing Jisung and Jeongin, so both of them nodded. He gave another glance at Seungmin before he and Changbin left the living room. Chan was still worried about the three boys, but he came to two conclusions: either they fixed whatever was wrong between them all or there was something else going on entirely that only affected Seungmin.

He really hoped it was the former.

Jeongin looked back at Seungmin when the older two boys left, and Jisung sat down beside the maknae. “What’s wrong?” Jeongin asked. Seungmin still looked upset, which wasn’t the goal of their conversation. Quite the opposite, actually.

Seungmin shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Minnie, don’t lie to us. Please.” Jisung sounded a little hurt, so Seungmin looked up. Jisung’s mood completely changed again; he had tears in his eyes now.

“Sungie, don’t cry,” he whispered. Jisung wiped his eyes.

“I just care about you, okay? You’ve seemed so down lately and I was worried. I am worried.” Jisung kept his eyes locked on Seungmin’s, but when Jeongin put a hand on Jisung’s thigh, Seungmin looked away nervously.

“I’m okay, I—” He couldn’t say promise. He couldn’t lie like that. “I’m just… I don’t know. I’m okay.” He hated how he stuttered. Jisung and Jeongin would never believe him.

“You can tell us anything, hyung, you know that, right?” Seungmin nodded and Minho’s words replayed in his mind.

“Thank you for telling me,” he told them instead. He was fiddling with his fingers and avoiding eye contact.

“Of course,” Jeongin replied. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Seungmin and Jisung’s light sniffles being the only occasional sound. Chan and Changbin must have gone straight to their room.

Seungmin made an excuse to go back to his room. He felt better than he did the day before, but he still felt bad. He already knew that they were dating, but they told him that they wanted to be close with him again. Was that a good thing? He wasn’t sure if he’d want to be closer to them.

Obviously he did, but not if they were platonic. And he’d never be able to experience what they were unless they broke up. But even then, neither of them would want to be with Seungmin, anyway. If not due to the pain of the break up, then due to not being attracted to him. And he’d never want them to be in pain.

They waited until DANCERACHA came home to have dinner. To say it was awkward would be an understatement.

Jisung and Jeongin felt like their conversation changed nothing. Seungmin still seemed distant, maybe even more than before.

---

Later that night, after everyone was home and in their bedrooms, Seungmin snuck out to the living room. He couldn’t sleep again and his thoughts came back the moment he laid down. He was out of bed less than thirty minutes later.

He thought about sharing his sexuality with Seongyeon during his appointment the day before because it had been biting him in the ass, but he decided against it. It was too soon. It was the leading cause of his distress in the dorm, though. The company was one thing and the dorm was another. Sharing it with Minho only did so much for him in the end.

He threw on his largest hoodie before he left his room so he could play with its sweater paws. He found them comforting when he didn’t have anything or anyone else and it was a convenient fidget item.

He was lost in his head when he entered the living room, so he didn’t see the figure already sitting on the couch when he walked towards it.

“Seungmin?” He jumped and his head shot up, only to find one of the people he was dreading the most. “What are you doing up?”

Jisung’s eyes were tinged pink from tears, but he didn’t look upset. Just confused and concerned. Seungmin knew he looked like shit - his eye bags were darker than Chan’s, his lips were downturned, and he was fiddling with his sleeves. Jisung probably saw all of it and was worried as it was nearing midnight.

“Just couldn’t sleep,” he replied. It was true. He sat down on the opposite side of the couch.

“What’s wrong?” Seungmin wasn’t looking at Jisung anymore; he felt guilt crashing down on him whenever he looked at the older boy. You’re worrying him. He’s already upset, and now you’re adding to his stress.

“Nothing,” he mumbled.

“I know you’re lying, Seungminnie.” You’re annoying him. You take time away from him and his boyfriend and now you’re bothering him at night, too.

“No. It’s nothing.”

“It’s not, Min.” Jisung scooted a little closer, but Seungmin moved further away. He didn’t have to see Jisung to know he had a hurt expression on his face. Now look at what you did. “I know something else is bothering you. Innie and I were talking, and you’re still trying to be distant.”

He didn’t sound mad but Seungmin assumed he was. Great, they’re talking about you during their private time, too. You’re all up in their business, aren’t you?

“You don’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“No, Sung. You just can’t,” Seungmin insisted. He was beginning to feel emotional again. Why couldn’t he catch a break?

“Seungmin-ah.” Jisung moved even closer and Seungmin pressed himself against the armrest. Jisung was too close for his liking. Well, one of his likings. “I care about you. I love you.” No you don’t. Not like I do. “You can talk to me, you know that.”

Seungmin shook his head and looked down, crossing his arms tightly. “Not about this.” His voice was breaking, and he felt the dam about to burst. Why did Jisung have to pressure him when he was already feeling vulnerable?

Jisung sighed, and his worried eyes never left Seungmin’s face. He reached a hand out towards the younger boy. “Please,” he whispered.

Seungmin stood. “No, Jisung. I can’t, you can’t.” His voice was shaky and he hugged himself tighter to hide his nervousness. His shoulders curled forward as he felt himself getting worked up.

“Seungmin,” Jisung said, trying to comfort him. Seungmin backed away when Jisung stood up.

“No!”

Jisung shushed him. The others were still asleep but Jisung felt like he could get the truth out of Seungmin, so he continued. “Seungmin, I won’t touch you. Just calm down. Take a deep breath.”

Seungmin shook his head again, and Jisung saw his lips wobbling. “Don’t,” Seungmin hiccuped.

“Seungmin. Take a deep breath for me.” Seungmin shook his head stubbornly, and Jisung’s concern increased. “You’re going to have a panic attack if you continue like this. You need to calm down, Min.”

Seungmin whined and shoved his face into his sweater paws, his fingers pressing into his forehead. Jisung moved a little closer and held his hands out in a placating gesture, although Seungmin couldn’t see it. The younger boy was gasping and Jisung’s heart was breaking. He didn’t mean to push Seungmin into this state.

Jisung knew that Seungmin didn’t want his touch, but he also knew that he did. The younger boy was clearly fighting both sides of himself in his head as he stood there, and Jisung wanted to decide for him. So he did.

Jisung swiftly moved forward to embrace Seungmin tightly. He wasn’t sure what to expect - Seungmin pulling away or Seungmin moving closer. He was relieved when it was the latter.

Seungmin leaned into the hug and gasped into Jisung’s shoulder, still covering his face. Quiet sobs followed and Jisung rubbed his back.

“Shh, breathe with me, Seungmin.” Seungmin’s crying was in the way of his breathing, though. The younger boy swayed slightly, bringing Jisung with him, so the older boy held him tighter to his chest. He walked backwards slowly until he could sit on the couch and he brought Seungmin onto his lap. It just felt right at that moment. He’d been thinking about the younger boy all day after his conversation with Jeongin the day before, and now Seungmin was falling apart before his eyes.

Seungmin was coughing and panting in between sobs. Jisung wasn’t sure if he was upset because of a nightmare, if it had something to do with the company or Jaemin, or if he had a bad day. He just held him tighter and rocked him soothingly from side to side.

Seungmin eventually moved his hands to wrap his arms tightly around Jisung’s shoulders, pushing his face deeper into the older boy’s neck. His sobs weren’t very muffled like this but they weren’t too loud. Jisung continued talking to him and he was slowly calming down.

“I’m sorry,” he hiccuped. “I…”

“Shh, you don’t have to talk now, Seungminnie. Take your time.” Seungmin coughed and nodded. He was still panting, so Jisung walked him through their breathing exercise. “Breathe slowly.”

Seungmin let out one more cough before taking a slow, shaky breath. “That’s good, Minnie, you’re doing so good.” Seungmin whimpered and gasped. He took another slow breath, then another. His breathing became less frantic but he was still sniffling and hiccuping. “That’s it. There you go.”

He rubbed the younger boy’s back and stroked his hair, and after ten minutes he had nearly all of his weight leaning on Jisung. Jisung hummed and Seungmin’s breath hitched against his neck.

“Are you feeling better now?” Seungmin nodded. “Good. Do you want to talk about it now or wait until the morning?” Jisung asked gently.

Seungmin shook his head. “No, I…” Should he tell Jisung? There were more bad outcomes than good ones. His thoughts were a jumbled mess and he couldn’t pick out right from wrong; all he knew was that he just cried himself into a panic attack and was now straddling the lap of someone he loved. He didn’t know what to tell the other boy, no matter if he told him about his feelings or not. He could barely speak.

Jisung hummed again and the sound jolted Seungmin out of his head. “If you aren’t ready to talk, that's okay. We can wait. I’m here, always.” He didn’t say, you don’t have to tell me. He just said that they could wait. It was inevitable, so he either had to come up with a quick excuse or come clean. His head hurt, and he let out a whimper.

Jisung rubbed his back and waited patiently.

“I’m sorry,” was all he could say.

“For what, though, Minnie?” Jisung didn’t tell him off for apologizing this time. He lifted his face out of Jisung’s neck and felt the air rush over his wet cheeks, making him shiver. He stared into the older boy’s eyes and saw nothing but love and care and all of the things he was feeling too much of. He had to look away, choosing to stare at their laps instead.

“I just… Hear me out first, okay? Just forget about everything I say after I say it and we can all just move on from it. Please.” Jisung nodded skeptically. This reminded him of when he confessed his love of the other members to Jeongin and he had an uneasy feeling in his stomach.

Here goes nothing. “I’m in love with you and Innie. Both of you. I know you’re in a committed relationship and you love each other and I’m trying to stay away from it but you keep bringing me back and everything is becoming too much. I know three people can’t be in a relationship, anyway, so don’t even try to include me and lie about how you feel. It’d just make things awkward. Please just forget that I said anything so we can stay in this group together. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, please. I’m sorry.”

He was desperate at the end. He really hoped Jisung could forgive him, because if he didn’t, Seungmin would have to leave the group. He was the one causing a problem and chemistry between the group was important. He couldn’t ruin the careers of everyone else just because he couldn’t control himself.

Jisung didn’t say anything and Seungmin’s heart was beating out of his chest. God, what did he just do?

He looked up when he heard a sniffle. Jisung was crying again.

“No, no, no, don’t cry. I’m sorry, please don’t cry.” He removed his arms from around Jisung’s shoulders and wiped Jisung’s tears delicately with his fingers. “I’m sorry, I—”

“Seungmin-ah,” Jisung cut him off. “I’m not upset. Stop apologizing, please.” Seungmin was confused. How could he not be upset? Seungmin loved both him and his boyfriend. He was an intruder. He was messed up for wanting more than one person - he wanted seven.

Seungmin felt a hand on his cheek and had to stop himself from leaning into the touch. “I love you too, Seungmin-ah.” Seungmin waited for the but, yet it never came. He shook his head in protest, but Jisung held his cheek and cut him off. “No, Seungmin. I love you. And so does Jeongin.”

What?

“I… We never thought you’d return our feelings, so we never said anything. We knew there was more to it than just wanting to give us space, Min.” Jisung gave him a sad smile, and Seungmin just stared in shock and doubt.

“No, no.” Seungmin removed his hands from Jisung and scooted backwards off of the couch, but his legs were unsteady and he fell on his butt. Jisung reached out, but Seungmin backed up on the carpet until his back hit the coffee table.

“Seungmin—”

“No. Don’t.” He couldn’t do this. He didn’t expect anything like this to come from their conversation. He didn’t want this to come from their conversation. He felt more hopeless than before knowing that they liked each other - loved each other - but couldn’t do anything about it. Their careers, their members, society, the fact that there were three of them. None of it worked.

Jisung wasn’t crying anymore but he still looked upset. He sat on the edge of the couch, but he didn’t move closer. Seungmin had his legs pulled up to his chest and he looked so small and vulnerable that Jisung got a little scared. It was different from the Jaemin incident.

“Seungmin, baby.” Seungmin’s breath shook at the pet name. “Tell me what’s going on in your head. Please.”

He shook his head, but his mouth opened anyway. “We can’t. If you’re telling the truth, we can’t. You know that.” His voice shook out of nervousness and his fingers dug into his biceps.

Jisung was hurt that Seungmin thought he was lying. “Seungmin…” Jisung shook his head, almost in disbelief. “We can’t let those things stop us. Love is love. The company doesn’t have to know, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“It’s not just that,” he said insistently. “There’s three of us. That’s not a thing. That won’t work.”

Jisung’s eyes widened. Seungmin really thought that? “Seungmin, there’s no limit to love. You can love whoever you want to. Polyamory isn’t a bad thing.”

That confused Seungmin. “What?”

“Polyamory? You know what that is, right?”

Seungmin shook his head. His mind was overloaded and he wanted to pull his hair out to make space.

“Oh. It’s an intimate relationship between multiple people. It can be three or it can be ten. There’s no limit to your love, Seungmin-ah.” Seungmin didn’t react to that. He felt like he was dreaming. How hadn’t he heard of that before?

Jisung gave him a minute, but Seungmin still didn’t move and he kept his eyes trained on the floor. “Can I come closer, Minnie?” Seungmin nodded slightly, so Jisung sat against the coffee table next to him. Seungmin’s cheeks were resting on his forearms and he looked so tiny in his oversized hoodie that Jisung had to resist the urge to squeeze him.

Jisung waited a couple more minutes before speaking again. “I know it’s hard to imagine. I thought it was, too, because the chances of three people liking each other are slim. But why should we let society stop us? Jeongin and I talked about this the other day. We both have feelings for you, Seungmin. We have for a while now.”

Seungmin turned his head to look at him, resting his head against his knees. He looked stressed and overwhelmed, and Jisung gave him a smile. “We don’t have to do anything together if you’re not ready. If you never want to, that’s okay too. We don’t want to push you out of your comfort zone or force you to do something you’re not okay with.” Seungmin still stared, but Jisung knew he was just thinking, not dissociating. “Can you please tell me what you’re thinking?” he asked softly.

Seungmin waited for a second. “I don’t know,” he whispered. “I love you both, but I always thought it was impossible no matter what. It still doesn’t seem possible. I mean, you two are dating already. It would be weird. And knowing that other people have relationships with multiple people is strange to me but… I guess it’s also reassuring? I don’t know. It’s a lot.”

Jisung gave him another smile. “That’s okay, Minnie. Can I hug you?” Seungmin nodded and leaned towards Jisung, so the older boy wrapped his arms around him. Seungmin’s head was on his chest and Jisung took a deep breath, feeling his love for the boy swell. Seungmin moved his arms to grip onto Jisung tightly, leaning closer.

They sat like that for a few minutes, both absorbing the newfound information and basking in each other’s presence.

Fifteen minutes later, Jisung was getting tired. A glance at the clock told him it was past one in the morning. “Seungminnie?” Seungmin hummed. “Do you want to go to sleep?” Seungmin nodded, so Jisung pulled away slightly. Seungmin looked just as tired as he was, if not more, with dried tear tracks on his face. Jisung slowly stood before pulling Seungmin up and hugging him tightly.

He wrapped his arm around Seungmin as he led him to his and Jeongin’s bedroom, turning off the living room lamp on their way out. Jeongin was still fast asleep in Jisung’s bed, so Jisung went to the other bed.

Jisung and Seungmin didn’t do anything different from what they used to do other than the looks on their faces. Jisung pulled Seungmin under the covers and was reminded of the morning after Seungmin saw Jaemin for the first time. Seungmin came to him for comfort. He felt like that was a turning point in his feelings for Seungmin. He felt his love solidifying ever since that day, and now that they were in the same position, he was overcome with it.

Seungmin stared into Jisung’s eyes, neither boy wanting to fall asleep first. Jisung used his sleeves to gently wipe the tears off of Seungmin’s face before he pulled Seungmin to his chest and rested his chin on the younger boy’s head. He let out a sigh and he closed his eyes as Seungmin wrapped an arm around his hip, and Jisung was content. Not happy, but content.

He was confident about his feelings for Seungmin, and he knew Jeongin felt the same way. He and Jeongin had heard of polyamory before but they never thought they’d do something like that themselves. But he was open to anything.

Jisung hated how Seungmin dealt with his feelings, though. Jisung knew that the younger boy was telling the truth and that he truly didn’t think that they could be together. Jisung had his own doubts about the company, or course, but he and Jeongin didn’t want to let that get in the way of their love. It almost seemed too soon to feel that strongly about the younger boy, but they didn’t act any differently around each other after they began dating. They’d always loved each other and they were already as close as can be with all of the members.

He knew that Jeongin would be confused in the morning, especially after the conversation they had before. Jeongin would be fine with Jisung telling Seungmin about their feelings for him since Seungmin told him first. Jisung really hoped Seungmin would understand that they could have a three-way relationship, but it might take a little more time.

Jisung heard light snores coming from the boy on top of him and sighed. The thought of forming a triad with the two younger boys made him excited, but he wouldn’t get his hopes up too soon. Not if Seungmin wasn’t okay with it.

He closed his eyes and held Seungmin tighter.

---

When Jeongin woke up, he was surprised to see Seungmin sleeping on top of Jisung in the other bed. After the conversation they had the day before, he thought that Seungmin would be a little more comfortable, but not enough to sleep so close to the other boy.

It was eight in the morning and the other members left at seven, so Jeongin didn’t wake them up and he left the room to go to the kitchen instead. He thought of making breakfast but he wasn’t sure when the other two would wake up; they went to bed around eleven o’clock, but they both looked dead asleep, so they could have stayed up later.

He sat on the armchair and played on his phone for nearly half an hour before he heard a bedroom door close. He looked down the hallway and saw that Seungmin’s bedroom door was shut, so he stood and went to his own room.

Jisung was sitting up in bed looking nervous and concerned. “Hyung? What’s going on?”

He looked up at Jeongin anxiously. “Seungmin is… We had a conversation last night.” Jeongin sat next to Jisung and intertwined their fingers. “I had a nightmare so I went to the living room for some alone time, but Seungmin ended up coming a few minutes later. He didn’t even notice I was there until I spoke and he looked terrible. He said nothing was wrong but I told him that we knew something else was going on. He told me what was wrong, but…”

Now Jeongin was worried too. “But what? Is he okay?”

Jisung began to nod before he shook his head instead. “I don’t really know. He said that…” He looked into Jeongins eyes. “He said that he has feelings for both of us and I told him that we love him too.”

Jeongin’s eyes widened. “What?” They’d only told each other about those feelings two days before. And Seungmin was the one to confess? Seungmin liked both of them?

“Yeah.” Jisung looked down. “He didn’t know about polyamorous relationships and he didn’t think it was possible to date more than one person. I think he was overwhelmed and I don’t blame him. He had a panic attack and cried for a while. It was a lot for me too.”

“Did he say anything about wanting to date us?”

Jisung shook his head. “I told him that we could wait until he was ready and it’s okay if he never is ready, but he didn’t say anything back other than he didn’t know. It was midnight and we were both really tired. We definitely need to talk all of it out today.”

Jeongin nodded, still shocked by the turn of events. “Why did he leave? You guys looked comfortable sleeping here.”

“He didn’t say why, he just got up and left. I think he needs some time alone to process.” Jeongin nodded and gave Jisung a kiss, the older boy kissing back. They never did more than making out and cuddling and they both weren’t ready for the next step yet. They’d known each other for a long time but only started kissing recently, so it felt too soon.

Jisung kissed him harder and wrapped his arms around the younger’s neck. They each poured all of their love, affection, concern, and fear into the kiss. Thin fingers were gripping Jeongin’s shoulders and large hands were gripping Jisung’s waist. But it wasn’t quite right, not when their minds were preoccupied with someone else.

They pulled away and caught their breath. “When should we talk to him?” Jeongin asked.

“I think we should wait until he comes out of his room or comes to us himself. I think I pushed him a little too much last night and I don’t want to hurt him again. He was so upset.”

Jeongin pecked his lips. “Okay,” he whispered. Jisung tucked his face into the younger’s neck for more soft kisses, trying to comfort both of them. Jeongin held him tightly and rubbed his back.

“We’ll figure this out,” he said. “We’ll be okay.”

---

Seungmin woke up with a headache. His eyes opened slowly and he immediately remembered the night before. He looked up at Jisung from where he laid on the older boy’s chest, and Jisung was already looking at him.

Jisung opened his mouth to speak but Seungmin quickly pushed himself off of Jisung and left the room before he could get a word out. Seungmin’s mind was clearer than it was before bed, but he was still exhausted and he was trying to comprehend what happened.

Jisung said that he loved him. He said that Jeongin loved him, too. But Seungmin couldn’t help but think they were lying.

Why couldn’t he just have a regular relationship without doubting everything?

He knew that the members liked him, though. Chan brought Seungmin into the group himself, first of all, and they’d all done a lot for him and with him over the past five years. He knew they cared about him.

But romantically? That was too much.

He closed his bedroom door - glad that his hyungs were gone already - and threw himself face-down on his bed. He’d never had an intimate relationship with anyone and the members were the closest thing he had to a family. Other than them, he was closest with Daehwi, and they hadn’t talked in years.

Did he even want a romantic relationship right now? Disregarding the company policies, he thought he did. He knew he wanted a sexual relationship eventually because he’d had those feelings before, but he never felt anything like this until recently. He only ever had romantic feelings for the members. But what if they weren’t actually romantic and he just didn’t know what romantic feelings really were?

He knew he was overthinking it - love is love, Jisung told him. He also knew that there was only one way to find out. It was a scary and unclear path, but it was the only option.

He had too many ‘what if’s: what if Jeongin didn’t actually love him? Jisung wouldn’t lie. What if Jisung was just trying to keep the group together and prevent things from being awkward? Jisung sounded and looked so sure of himself when he told Seungmin about their feelings. What if the members found out? Their love and care was unconditional.

But what if the company found out? That was the thought that scared him the most. He wasn’t sure how Jisung and Jeongin were so confident about having a relationship together while they were both idols.

He wasn’t sure how long he laid there, breathing into his pillow and hands gripping the pillowcase before he heard his phone ping on his bedside table. He turned languidly to pull it off of the charging cable and the screen came on automatically, showing him that it was nearing ten o’clock. He didn’t know when he woke up, though.

He had a text from Jeongin: Good morning, hyung. Jisung hyung told me about what happened last night. We have to talk about this today, but please take your time. We’re not pressuring you or rushing you, but you know we need to talk at some point.

Seungmin gulped. He did know.

Now that Jeongin knew about his feelings, Seungmin felt a little relieved. He was worried that he’d have to tell Jeongin what he told Jisung and he wasn’t sure if he would’ve been able to.

Jeongin didn’t seem mad so that was a good sign, but he didn’t necessarily seem happy either. He and Seungmin had been stuck at the hip since their group formed. This conversation would change everything.

He didn’t reply because he wasn’t sure what to say. He hoped that the other two would lead the conversation because he felt like he could barely voice everything he felt.

His headache was calming down since he was awake, so he sat up. It was best to get everything over with - that way, if they couldn’t make it work, they could spend the rest of the day fixing things before the others came home. And if not, they could try to overcome the awkwardness - and sadness - in that time.

Seungmin threw his phone on his bed as he stood up slowly. Anxiety was building in his gut as he made his way to his door and opened it. He didn’t hear anything.

He went to the kitchen for a glass of water and downed it quickly. He still didn’t see Jisung or Jeongin though, and that only made him more nervous. They were probably waiting for him to make the first move.

Seungmin walked past his bedroom and towards Jisung and Jeongin’s - that was the only place they could be. He took a deep breath before he stepped into the doorway.

Jisung and Jeongin were already looking at him. They sat together at the headboard of Jeongin’s bed with their phones on their laps and their hands connected. He felt like he was interrupting again.

“Hey, Minnie,” Jeongin said with a soft smile. Seungmin noticed the lack of honorifics but he didn’t care - the maknae spoke to him like that half of the time, anyway. Seungmin’s eyes were puffy and his face was a mess; there were other things to worry about. “Are you ready to talk?”

Seungmin nodded. He didn’t move into the room until Jisung patted the bed in front of them, then he carefully sat down to face them.

Jeongin looked worried and Jisung looked nervous. Seungmin probably looked scared more than anything.

“Do you want to start?” Jisung asked. Seungmin opened his mouth but nothing came out, so he shook his head. Jisung noticed. “Is talking hard right now, Min?”

He nodded, and Jisung said, “That’s okay. We’ll start and you can speak when you’re ready. We can ask ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions, too, if you prefer that.” Seungmin nodded gratefully at the older boy’s understanding and kindness.

Jeongin began softly, “Jisungie hyung told me about what you two talked about last night. Everything he told you is true; we both have feelings for you.” Seungmin’s breath hitched. “I’ve loved you since the year we debuted. We were always together and I got to know you really well - your mannerisms, the way you speak, the things you care about, how you act around me and treat me. Everything about you made me fall more. But I want you to be happy before anything else, so if you don’t want that kind of relationship with us, that’s perfectly fine. I understand.” Seungmin just stared.

Jisung took that as his cue to speak. “I told you a lot last night, but I’ll say it again. I don’t know when I first started having feelings for you, but I know it was at least a couple of years ago. The morning after the… filming incident, you cuddled with me in bed. That felt like a turning point for me, and we got a lot closer after that. I got to know you better than before when I thought I already knew everything. You mean the world to me, Minnie. But just like Innie said, it’s your choice. I’m not pushing you to do anything you don’t want to do. I want what’s best for you.” Jisung nearly had stars in his eyes as he spilled his feelings.

Seungmin was choked up. He couldn’t get a word out after they dumped all of their feelings on him even though he was told the gist of it already.

Jisung and Jeongin gave him a few minutes to take it all in.

“Can you speak now?” Jisung asked kindly. Seungmin could only shake his head. He was still scared of what could happen and the other two could tell.

“Can we ask you questions or would you rather write it down?” Jeongin asked. Seungmin held up his index finger. “Questions?” He nodded. “Okay. I think the most important question is, do you have romantic feelings for both of us?” Seungmin nodded slowly. It was all real now. “Is that why you were distancing yourself from us?”

Seungmin looked towards Jisung with alarm. He wasn’t expecting that question. “We’re not mad, I promise!” he soothed. “We were worried about you and we wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything else bothering you.” Seungmin sighed shakily before he nodded.

“Thank you for telling us, Seungmin.” Jeongin smiled to calm his nerves. Seungmin felt his heartbeat in his fingertips. “We never wanted to push you away. We told you yesterday that we were so focused on our relationship with each other that we didn’t realize what you were feeling. That’s our mistake, and there’s no excuse. We’re sorry.”

Seungmin didn’t fully agree, but he nodded anyway. He shouldn’t have pushed them away without saying anything, either.

“I know you can’t talk right now, but do you need a little more time to think about this? We don’t want you to do anything without thinking it through. We want to have a polyamorous relationship with you, Seungmin. But if you don’t want that, that’s perfectly fine.” Jeongin looked at him with so much sincerity and genuine love that Seungmin was conflicted.

He already thought about it a lot that morning, but there were so many things to consider. He shrugged.

Jeongin just looked at him for a second. “Okay,” he said. “Just… take your time. Please.” Seungmin nodded. He put his hands under his crossed legs and looked down. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but it wasn’t comfortable.

“Do you want to hang out with us today? You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Jisung added. Seungmin nodded; the best way to decide on starting a relationship with someone is to spend quality time with them, no matter how awkward he thought it would be.

The other two boys smiled and Seungmin fiddled with his fingers. “What do you want to do?” Jeongin asked. “We have the whole day to ourselves.”

Seungmin didn’t think twice before he was crawling across the bed and sitting on Jeongin’s free side. He hoped Jisung wasn’t upset that he didn’t sit next to him as well, but Seungmin was still nervous about being in between the two of them. They were already dating; he wasn’t a part of it. Yet.

Jeongin wrapped an arm around Seungmin’s shoulders and the older boy curled into him. Jeongin held him tightly and sighed into his hair while Jisung reached his arm across Jeongin’s shoulders.

“We’ll wait for you, Seungmin.”

They sat in silence for a while and simply enjoyed each other’s presence. They hadn’t cuddled as the three of them in at least a week, and they all missed it. Seungmin felt like a part of himself was finding its way back to him slowly.

Seungmin thought about what Jeongin said. They’d wait for him to make his decision and they’d accept it no matter what. He almost felt greedy but he pushed that away; this was one of the most important decisions of his life and he wouldn’t let his stupid feelings get in the way. He also pushed away the company and society, and instead he focused on them. The way Jeongin’s eyes nearly closed when he smiled, the way Jisung’s voice could fill the room with laughter, the way Jeongin held him, the way Jisung looked at him. It all sent butterflies to his stomach, which was much more preferred than the sickening fear from before.

He still wasn’t sure about polyamory, though. He didn’t have time to look it up online before he went to Jisung and Jeongin, so he didn’t know exactly what it entailed. He knew that the other two would communicate with him, though, and help him understand if he wanted to.

He definitely knew that he wanted a relationship with them, nonetheless. Ideally with all of the members, but that was way too much of a stretch to even consider it happening. If he didn’t think about the company’s repercussions, the members’ reactions, and the chance of it not working out in the end, he was one hundred percent sure that he wanted to be with them romantically if given the opportunity.

And that was all that mattered at the moment.

After about twenty minutes, Seungmin rested his chin on Jeongin’s shoulder to look up at the maknae and the younger boy looked back at him with a smile. “Innie?” he whispered.

“Yeah, Min?” Jeongin looked hopeful.

“I want to try.” Jeongin’s smile grew with happiness, and Seungmin felt both guilty and elated for being the one to cause it. The mattress moved as Jisung crawled over Jeongin’s legs to sit directly in front of Seungmin, who had his knees to his chest. Jisung had tears in his eyes.

“You’re sure, Minnie?” Seungmin nodded. Jisung pulled him into a tight hug, squeezing him as if his life depended on it. Seungmin lifted one arm to hug him back while his other hand found Jeongin’s.

He didn’t know what this new journey would entail, but he was excited to find out. Nervous and terrified, but excited.

Jisung moved to Seungmin’s other side and snuggled against him, and he and Jeongin kept the pressure even around Seungmin’s body. Seungmin took a shaky breath.

“Hey,” Jeongin said gently. “We’ll take this at your pace, alright? If there’s anything you want to say or want to do, tell us. We need to communicate all of our emotions properly for this to happen, okay?” Seungmin nodded. “Is it too soon to ask how you’re feeling?”

“I…” His voice cracked. “I’m scared,” he admitted.

“I know.” Jeongin’s eyes were full of warmth, and Seungmin nearly lost himself in them. “But we’ll talk to each other with complete honesty. If one of us doesn’t want to do something or does want to do something, we need to tell each other. We can’t hide anything while we figure this out, okay?” Jisung and Seungmin nodded.

They relaxed against each other again - Jisung’s head found Seungmin’s shoulder while Seungmin wrapped his arms around one of Jeongin’s. Seungmin didn’t think about the company, Jaemin, his parents, or the complications that would come with their new development, and he felt himself deflate for the first time in weeks.

All he thought was: love, safety, comfort, care, admiration. Everything that his feelings for the other boys encompassed. Everything they provided for him whether they knew it or not.

After a few more minutes, Jisung felt restless. “Do you want to watch a movie?” he asked. “I think we should relax for a while. It was a stressful night and morning, not to mention the week.” The younger two agreed.

Jisung stood first before he pulled Seungmin up. Seungmin stood slowly but his stomach growled once he was standing straight. He blushed.

“When did you last eat?” Jeongin asked as he followed suit. Seungmin shrugged.

“Since lunch yesterday.” He didn’t eat more than a bite of his dinner the night before, too tense and anxious.

“That was almost twenty-four hours ago,” Jisung said worriedly. He remembered that Seungmin only ate half of his sandwich, so he must have been starving. “What do you want? We can make breakfast or lunch, whatever you want.” But Seungmin didn’t want to decide; his brain was still fried. He’d prefer it if someone could just pick for him or give him options.

Seungmin didn’t say anything, so Jeongin said, “There’s still leftover tteokbokki if you want that. Otherwise we can make ramen, rice, soup, sandwiches…”

“I’ll have leftovers,” he mumbled. He was more comfortable being around the two boys than before but he was still nervous. Nervous to make the wrong move, say the wrong thing, feel the wrong thing. He really didn’t know what he was doing.

He knew that Jisung had a relationship before, but he didn’t know how long it lasted and how intimate it was. Jeongin hadn’t dated before, but he’d been dating Jisung for two weeks, so he had an inkling of what to do. But Seungmin was lost. The other two knew that he was inexperienced, though, and they didn’t mind taking the lead.

They moved to the kitchen together and Jeongin prepared three servings of tteokbokki. Jisung’s arm was slung over Seungmin’s shoulder as Jeongin put them in the microwave, and Seungmin let himself curl into Jisung’s side. Jisung rested his cheek on Seungmin’s hair until the food was done, then he took the younger boy’s hand in his own as they sat at the table. They ate in silence.

Seungmin wanted to search polyamory on his phone, but he left it in his bedroom. He knew he could ask the other two about it and they would know a lot, but he was nervous to ask. He wasn’t sure why, though; it wasn’t an awkward topic like sex would be, but the whole concept was so new and unfamiliar to him that he wanted to find out as much as he could on his own before talking to them. Seungmin thought that they’d want him to ask them before using the internet, though, but he wasn’t ready to talk about that yet. They should spend time together like they used to before thinking that far ahead, anyway. They weren’t officially together, they were only getting back into their usual selves.

Seungmin’s right hand was held tightly by Jisung, and he hated how he was craving more. He went from constant skinship and affection to barely anything in such a short amount of time, and a week and a half later he was receiving it again. He was touch-starved.

“Let’s go watch a movie,” Jisung said. They were all done with their food but hadn’t stood up yet. Jeongin gathered their plates while Jisung pulled Seungmin up, but the younger boy stopped before they left the kitchen and Jisung looked at him.

“Just let me grab my phone first.” Jisung nodded. Seungmin let go of Jisung’s hand and went to his room, taking a deep breath as he entered and sat on his bed to open his phone. He searched for polyamorous relationships in his browser and was surprised at the amount of information and official websites. How had he not heard of this before?

He clicked on the article titled ‘Your Guide to Polyamorous Relationships.’ It had information on monogamy - dating one person - and non-monogamy. The word ‘polyamory’ was defined just like Jisung had said it; a romantic or sexual relationship between multiple partners at the same time.

Consent is crucial, it said. Just like Jeongin did. He scrolled until he got to the types of polyamory, and he stopped on polyfidelity. Triads were one of the types, as well as quads. There were relationships like spider webs where not everyone is involved with each other but they are involved with people who are involved with each other. It sounded confusing.

There wasn’t anything for five or more partners where everyone is involved with everyone, though. Was that not a thing?

It also said:
First, it’s important to identify everyone’s thoughts, feelings, and values.
Second, it’s necessary to be able to communicate those thoughts, feelings, and values with each other.
And third, it’s crucial to be able to communicate these things with an open mind and without judgment.

Communication was a common theme, so he’d have to overcome his brain’s hesitation. There was no way that Jisung and Jeongin were lying; they wouldn’t go through all of this work for him if they didn’t like him. Love him.

He closed out of the search engine app and his eye caught on the notes app. He was supposed to tell Seongyeon when he got anxious or depressed. He was definitely anxious both that night and that morning, but he knew he couldn’t tell her about it. He’d have to find a time when his anxiety and depression weren’t because of their relationship.

He pocketed his phone and stood up. He was more determined now than ever before. He knew he could do this; not just for himself, but for everyone else, too.

When he entered the living room, the lights were dimmed comfortably and Jisung and Jeongin were sitting on the couch with a large blanket over their laps. There was a space in between them - Seungmin knew it was for him, but the idea still made him nervous. Jisung knew that, though, so he lifted the blanket to uncover the middle seat. He smiled reassuringly at Seungmin and the younger boy breathed slowly before sitting down.

He pulled his knees to his chest as Jeongin searched through Netflix for something they hadn’t seen. Neither boy was touching Seungmin and he knew that they wouldn’t without his permission. They were too kind.

But Seungmin was still touch-starved. He had a taste of them earlier, but now he was craving the rest. He both liked and hated the feeling.

He hugged Jisung’s right arm tightly and rested his cheek on his shoulder. Jisung was surprised but he definitely didn’t complain. Seungmin moved his other hand to hold Jeongin’s tightly.

“What do you want to watch?” Jeongin asked softly. He was asking Seungmin but the boy just shrugged.

“You pick,” he mumbled. He still didn’t want to make decisions like that. There were too many options.

“Sungie hyung?”

“Find a Marvel movie,” he said. Jeongin switched to Disney Plus and scrolled through the Marvel section.

“There’s so many weird things on here now,” he commented. “They keep making short films and series and stuff but I prefer the older movies.”

“Me too!” Jisung said. “They’re just trying to drag it out but there’s nothing left to do. After Black Widow, Iron Man, and Captain America died, there’s not much else to do.”

“Oh!” Jeongin exclaimed. “How about Guardians of the Galaxy three? It’s on here now. I’ve been wanting to watch it.”

Jisung gasped. “Oh, yeah! We were too busy before. I think it’s actually a good one, too.” He looked at Seungmin but the younger boy didn’t have any input. He was staring at the television but his knees fell sideways onto Jisung’s lap, and the older boy was surprised at his clinginess after nearly two weeks of no contact.

Jisung lifted his free hand to run his fingers through Seungmin’s hair - that was his go-to move whenever one of the members was tired or upset because it always calmed him down himself. He’d done it with Seungmin and Jeongin before, and they both leaned into his touch every time. He found it endearing.

Jeongin started the movie and cuddled closer to Seungmin until he was basically copying the older boy’s position. Seungmin sighed and adjusted his grip on Jisung. He was really doing this.

The movie flashed in front of Seungmin’s eyes but all he could think about were the two boys next to him. They loved him. He was surprised that he wasn’t crying - it seemed like that was all he could do lately. It was like the physical touch cured him of his cancer. If he told his sixteen-year-old self that this is where he would be in the future, he knew he wouldn’t have believed it.

Halfway into the movie, Seungmin’s eyes began to close. He got about seven hours of sleep that night but it wasn’t peaceful. The anxiety, the crying, the panic attack, the headache. It all gave him a restless sleep. But now that he was snuggling with Jisung and Jeongin, he was content, relaxed, and safe. He couldn’t help it when his eyes closed fully and he slipped into a tranquil sleep.

Jisung noticed, of course, as he felt Seungmin’s weight fall heavily onto him. He looked fondly at the younger’s sleeping face then looked up at Jeongin, who had the same expression. Jisung smiled at him before laying his head on top of Seungmin’s. Jisung wasn’t tired despite his six hours of sleep and Jeongin was content with his ten, so they continued the movie.

Seungmin still didn’t wake up when the movie was over. He was drooling on Jisung’s shoulder now and his hands were holding onto both boys tightly in his slumber. Jisung’s arm was held captive and he could feel it falling asleep, but he didn’t risk moving. Jeongin took the remote with his free hand to turn on a different movie.

This continued for three more hours until Seungmin woke up. He shifted his head on Jisung’s shoulder, then he opened his eyes and sniffed slightly. He held Jisung’s arm tighter for a moment before he lifted his head to squint at the television screen - they started one of the Iron Man movies about half an hour before he woke up. He turned towards Jisung who had a small smile on his face as he looked at Seungmin.

Seungmin released Jisung’s arm to rub his eyes but his other hand didn’t leave Jeongin’s. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay,” Jisung said. He stretched his arm now that it was free and winced slightly when his shoulder popped. “Did you sleep well?” Seungmin nodded.

“We’re watching Iron Man three,” Jeongin supplied. He pulled Seungmin’s hand onto his lap, not minding the grubbiness after holding hands for hours.

Seungmin just nodded and leaned back into the couch cushions. He was too content to get up.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Jisung said as he stood. Jeongin nodded and the older boy left. Jeongin looked at Seungmin but the other boy was already looking at him, his left hand now lying lifelessly on the couch. Seungmin looked away.

“Hey,” Jeongin said quietly. “Do you want lunch or anything? I’m hungry.”

“Sure.” Jeongin released Seungmin’s hand and stood with sore legs, Seungmin feeling the same. They moved to the kitchen and prepared easy sandwiches for an easy day. Jisung joined them a couple minutes later. It was a very late lunch - it was about four o’clock - but they didn’t care.

They watched more movies for the remainder of the day until the other members came home around ten. They were cuddling on the couch like before but Seungmin was cuddled into Jeongin instead while Jisung slept with his head on Seungmin’s lap. The older boy’s eyes began drooping due to the dim lights and calm atmosphere despite his attempts at staying awake. The other members came home altogether and saw the three on the couch, which relieved them all. It seemed like they figured out what was wrong.

“Hey,” Chan whispered. The television was on low volume for Jisung. “How’s it going?”

“Good,” Jeongin whispered. He removed his hand from Seungmin’s and Seungmin removed his from Jisung’s hair when the door opened - even if they did things that they normally did, it felt different to them now even if it was the same for the other members.

Chan nodded and left for the bathroom. Hyunjin came over to them and asked, “Can I sit?” Jeongin nodded and the older boy filled in the little space between him and the armrest. “Did you find out what was wrong?” he whispered.

“Yeah… It’s okay now.” Hyunjin nodded. He and Jeongin shared looks during dinner the past two nights and Hyunjin hoped that the younger boy would talk to Seungmin, and apparently he did. Jeongin didn’t elaborate and Hyunjin didn’t force him to.

Hyunjin watched the movie with them until it ended nearly an hour later. The shower was free then so Hyunjin took his leave. Jisung woke up a few minutes after the movie ended, thankfully, so the three of them could move to their bedrooms. Jeongin was beginning to feel tired and Jisung still wasn’t fully awake from his short nap - it lasted about two hours. They got ready for bed separately before they met up again in Jisung and Jeongin’s room, no words being said as they laid down in Jeongin’s bed with Seungmin in the middle. Seungmin faced Jeongin while Jisung spooned him from behind, and Jeongin looked at Seungmin sweetly. He resisted the urge to kiss the older boy; he hadn’t had to resist that before because he never had the urge. But now…

He settled on running a hand through Seungmin’s hair. “Goodnight, hyungs.”

“G’night,” Jisung mumbled.

“Goodnight.”

They all fell asleep within minutes.

---

Seungmin had a nightmare for the first time in a week. He’d been doing pretty well ever since therapy started despite not doing much there yet, and he felt his anxiety and depression decreasing slowly. It increased when he distanced himself from the others, but he knew it’d improve now that they were closer again. After Seungmin confessed properly to Jisung and Jeongin, they spent that day and the next trying to get closer again. Now that Seungmin was allowed to touch them - in his mind, anyway - he became clingier and clingier, which only sped up the process.

He dreamed about Jisung and Jeongin - of course he did. It was different from all of his other nightmares. Rather than a scene playing out slowly, it was like a mashup of different events that were all connected somehow.

First, he was with Jaemin. It was like when he was younger and home alone with him; Jaemin was insulting him and kicking him but he barely felt it. Next, he was at the company watching Jaemin and Wooseok hurt his members. Not only Jisung and Jeongin, but everyone. It didn’t last very long but long enough for tears to stream down his cheeks as he screamed on the inside.

Then he was at the dorm. He wasn’t sure if it was worse than the previous visions or not. Jisung and Jeongin were there instead of Jaemin, and they were insulting him in ways that hurt him deeply - they didn’t love him, no one ever would, he wasn’t good enough for the group. All of his recent insecurities, all of his appalling doubts about their relationship, the causes of his anxiety and depression; they were all being thrown into his face over and over again.

He was screaming, and the next thing he knew he was being shaken awake. His eyes flew open and he wheezed, overwhelmed. Jeongin was sitting up next to him with his hands on Seungmin’s shoulders while Jisung was standing next to the bed. Seungmin must have kicked the blankets hard enough for them to fall onto the floor and he hoped he didn’t hurt Jisung or Jeongin.

“Seungmin,” Jeongin said, shaking him again. Sobs tumbled out of his lips as he realized it was just a nightmare. A terrible, vicious nightmare. “Seungmin, shh, it’s okay. It was just a nightmare.” He knew that. But it wasn’t enough to keep the panic at bay. Not when he just experienced most of his trauma and fears all at once.

He sat up quickly and Jeongin’s hands released him. Seungmin folded his body forward and sobbed loudly as he clawed at his chest and began hyperventilating. Too much, it was too much.

He heard someone curse before the bed dipped on his right side. “Seungmin-ah.” It was a new voice. “I need you to listen to me, Seungmin-ah. Can you hear me?” He nodded slightly and his hand moved to grip his neck. He couldn’t breathe.

He felt a hand grab his own and fought against it, but he was too weak. He couldn’t do anything as his chest constricted and he coughed in between his cries. His hand was placed on someone’s chest and he gripped their shirt tightly.

“Seungmin. It’s Minho hyung. Hyung is here, okay? I need you to breathe for me.” He tried, he really did. But this feeling was so much worse than it had ever been after a nightmare, even worse than the one he had in the fort all of those weeks ago. “I know it’s difficult. But I need you to try for me, okay? I know you can do it, Seungmin-ah.”

Could he? He tried to take a deep breath but it immediately resulted in a cough-sob. “That’s it, Seungmin. Keep breathing.” A hand removed his from the person’s shirt - Minho’s if he had to guess - and spread his fingers before putting it back. He felt the rise and fall of Minho’s chest as he exaggerated his breathing for the younger boy.

He tried to take another breath but it had the same result. His other hand went from gripping the bed sheets to clawing at his bare thigh, trying to ground himself. Someone tried to pull that hand away as well but he fought harder. They couldn’t remove it.

His body was pushed upright and he felt a warm chest behind his back with strong arms holding his waist securely. He felt the chest under his palm and the other chest on his back both rising and falling slowly and deeply, and he slowly matched his own with it.

“That’s it, Seungmin-ah. You’re doing so well, baby. Keep breathing,” a new voice said into his ear. Chan hyung. He let out a cough and a hand massaged his chest, trying to soothe the tight, pained muscles. His breathing was almost back to normal when his sobs started up again. The hand on Seungmin’s chest moved to his stomach to rub it slowly and his hand was pulled away from his thigh, and the newfound pain made him cry harder.

“I’ve got you, Seungmin.” Chan rocked him from side to side and hummed into his ear as he cried. His hands were being massaged by two other hands and the pain in his thigh and throat grew. It definitely wasn’t the worst thing he felt, though.

He began hiccupping and sniffling eventually and opened his eyes. They burned as they opened but he saw Minho sitting directly in front of him, holding both of Seungmin’s hands in his own.

“Minnie?” Chan asked softly. One of his hands moved from Seungmin’s stomach to cup his face gently from behind. “Hi, baby. We’ve got you.” Seungmin hiccupped again and leaned back into Chan while the older boy laid against the pillows. Seungmin turned around to hide his face in Chan’s chest, finding comfort in the strong body and loving personality. Chan moved his arms to hug Seungmin’s shoulders.

Minho moved a little closer and Seungmin removed his hands to clutch at Chan’s shirt. He knew that it was a nightmare and everyone was okay, but that was the worst nightmare he’d ever had. He wanted Chan’s touch. He needed it.

Chan continued whispering and shushing him while Minho looked back at Jeongin. The maknae was standing next to the bed looking incredibly upset, so Minho beckoned him closer and stood up. He pulled Jeongin in for a hug when he saw the tears in the maknae’s eyes.

Jeongin sent Jisung to wake up a hyung for help when they couldn’t calm Seungmin down, but his scream had already woken most of them up. Jisung went to Chan’s bedroom first but the leader was already out of bed when he arrived.

“What’s going on?”

“Seungmin,” was all Jisung could say. He was crying, overwhelmed and anxious about Seungmin’s pain. Chan patted his shoulder and left the room, but Changbin and Felix stayed.

“Hey,” Changbin said. “Come here, Sungie.” Jisung finally moved from the doorway and sat next to the older boy. “It’s okay, Sungie. He'll be okay.”

Jisung sobbed quietly and hugged Changbin tightly, and Felix rubbed his back and hair as he whispered to him from behind. It was almost exactly what he needed at the moment - other than Seungmin.

He calmed down after a few minutes. “Sorry,” he murmured, pulling back to wipe his face.

“Don’t apologize,” Changbin said. “Was Seungmin having a nightmare?”

Jisung nodded. “He woke up easily but he wouldn’t calm down. He was hyperventilating and sobbing and…” At that moment, they heard Seungmin’s sobs through the wall and down the hallway. Jisung’s chest constricted and the other two winced painfully. “I was scared,” he whispered.

Changbin held him tighter. “I’m glad you got Channie hyung, then. Hyung knows what to do. It’s okay that you couldn’t help him this time.” Jisung nodded and sniffled, so Changbin reached towards the nightstand to get him a tissue. He accepted it gratefully.

“Thank you. I don’t know why I freaked out so much,” he said with a sad chuckle. “It’s not like it’s the first time.”

Felix hugged him and hid his face in Jisung’s back. “It was worse than before, wasn’t it? I would’ve cried too if I were in your position.” Jisung hummed and Changbin squeezed him again.

After a few minutes, Jisung took a deep breath. “We should see if he’s okay.” He pulled away and stood up, and the other two nodded and followed him. Hyunjin was standing in the hallway with concerned eyes, and Felix went to him immediately.

When Jisung entered his room, Minho was hugging Jeongin and Seungmin was lying on Chan's chest. He moved to sit next to Chan and heard Seungmin sniffling, but thankfully not sobbing or gasping.

“Minnie?” Seungmin curled further into Chan’s chest before he looked up. Jisung’s heart broke but he smiled. “Hey. Are you feeling better?” he asked softly. Seungmin nodded.

“Thank you, hyung,” Seungmin whispered brokenly. Chan hugged him tighter before the younger boy sat up and buried his face in his hands. He needed a moment to collect himself.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Chan asked. Minho and Jeongin were also sitting on the bed now, looking worried.

“Just…” He sounded exhausted. “I don’t know. It was like multiple nightmares at once. I knew it was a nightmare, but… it was a lot.” He stretched his legs slightly but gasped at the pain in his leg. He looked down and saw red, crescent-shaped scars on his thigh poking out from under his shorts.

“Shit, Minnie,” Chan said worriedly. They didn’t look too bad but they looked painful.

“Sorry, hyung.” He sounded guilty.

“No, no,” he reassured, “I’m not mad. It’s okay. Can I look at them?” Seungmin nodded and moved his leg closer to Chan. The older boy inspected them to see if they were open, but there was just a small amount of dried blood on each one. “Let’s go clean these real quick, okay?” Seungmin nodded and Jisung helped him stand up, holding his hands. He was surprised at the amount of pain that came from just his fingernails.

Chan and Jisung brought him to the bathroom, and Chan put his hands under his arms to lift him onto the counter. Seungmin sniffled as Chan used antiseptic to be safe and he winced when Chan touched the scars.

“Sorry,” Chan said. He didn’t need any bandages or anything, so Chan just cleaned the blood off quickly before he was done. He patted Seungmin’s other thigh softly before helping him down and going to the kitchen for water. Seungmin noticed how dark it was.

“What time is it?”

“A little after midnight.” Chan was grabbing cups for both Seungmin and Jisung and filling them with cold water. “Don’t apologize, Min. We want to help you.”

Seungmin just sighed and Jisung hugged him from behind. He almost pulled away before he remembered the days before. “Where’s Innie?” he asked quietly.

“He’s still in our bedroom, I think.” He rested his chin on Seungmin’s shoulder. “Minho hyung was talking to him.” Chan handed each of them a glass of water and they thanked him.

Chan sighed. “How have you guys been doing? I feel like I’ve barely seen you.”

“I’m better,” Jisung said. “Therapy helps, and since I’ve known her for a while, she was able to help me almost immediately. I’m still anxious but it’s improving.”

Chan smiled. “That’s good. Minnie?”

Seungmin shrugged. “I feel better too. We haven’t done a lot in therapy yet since the first appointment was like an orientation.”

“I think it’ll really help you both.” He paused. “I’ve been worried about you three since last week. You didn’t seem as close as you were before the hiatus, but I'm guessing you figured it out?”

Jisung smiled. “Yep.” Chan didn’t push. They finished their water and moved back to their bedroom, seeing Jeongin sitting in between Minho and Changbin. Minho stood when they entered.

“Let hyungs know if you need anything, okay?” Chan said. “And please try to get some sleep; if not tonight, then in the morning.” He pulled Jisung in for a hug before pulling Seungmin into a longer one. “I love you.”

“Love you too, hyung.”

“Are you feeling better, Seungminnie?” Minho asked. Seungmin nodded and Minho ruffled his hair. He and Changbin did the same to Jisung and Jeongin before the older boy left the room.

Chan gave Jeongin a quick squeeze while Changbin hugged Seungmin before they left the room, trusting the younger boys to take care of each other.

“Are you feeling better, hyung?” Seungmin nodded. Jisung sat at the headboard, gesturing for Jeongin and Seungmin to do the same. Jeongin sat in the middle this time.

“Are you okay, Innie?” Seungmin asked. He wasn’t touching the younger boy but he was staring into his eyes. Jeongin sighed and looked away, and Jisung held his hand.

“Yeah. I'm sorry we couldn’t help you. I’ll do better next time…”

“Don’t apologize. It was pretty bad. I don’t expect you to be able to help every time, it’s okay.” Jeongin sighed and nodded.

“That’s what Minho hyung told me.” Jeongin held Seungmin’s hand with his free one and Jisung saw how tired he was; both Jisung and Seungmin took naps throughout the day but Jeongin stayed awake.

“Can you sleep, Seungminnie?” he asked. Jisung was tired but he wasn’t sure if Seungmin would be. “Be honest.”

Seungmin shook his head. He hadn’t fully calmed down yet and didn’t want to close his eyes again. “I want to be alone, though. You two can sleep.” He stood up before the other two could say anything.

“Wait,” Jisung called before he left. “Don’t hesitate to wake us up if you need anything.” Seungmin nodded and left without another word. Jisung sighed and Jeongin pulled him close.

“We’ll be okay.” It almost seemed impossible, but Jisung agreed. They’d figure it out. They’d be okay.

---

When Seungmin left Jisung and Jeongin, he stopped by his own room to change his clothes. He changed into a shirt before they went to bed because he was warm, but now he was cold, so he grabbed a hoodie. Minho and Hyunjin were both asleep, so Seungmin took his chances. He snuck to Minho’s dresser and pulled out the same pink sweatshirt that Hyunjin dressed him in after he got sick. It was oversized and cozy and it brought him comfort when he last wore it.

He swapped out his shirt for the hoodie before he went to the living room - no one was out there this time. He curled up on the couch and pulled the sweatshirt over his legs.

Then he thought. Why did he have to have that nightmare two days after they talked about their feelings? That was probably the reason why, actually. He found out that they loved him in real life then he was told that they didn’t in his dreams. He was just glad that he knew it was a nightmare from the moment he woke up despite his hysteric reaction.

He felt bad that Jisung and Jeongin had to see him like that. He saw Jisung’s red eyes and Jeongin’s pained face, and he hated that he caused that. But he knew it wasn’t really his fault.

He played with his sleeves as he thought about the other two boys. He’d been thinking for the past couple of days but he couldn't find a fault in them; he wanted them to be his and he wanted to be theirs. But then he thought about their careers. Was it really worth it? What if they lost their jobs? They’d ruin the rest of the group as well. He’d have to talk to Jisung and Jeongin about that later to see what they think about it. He figured that the other members would accept it, though - they supported each other no matter what and they would be able to keep it a secret.

Was he ready for a relationship? For the commitment? He mostly knew what it entailed but he still didn’t know if he’d be able to do everything he was supposed to do. Jisung and Jeongin would help him, though. Was he ready for his first kiss? For the vulnerability that came with it all? He’d been vulnerable in front of them so much recently that it probably wouldn’t be much different. And kissing… God, the thought of it put butterflies in his stomach. He wanted his first experiences to be with the two boys. He never tried to think about these things before and during Jisung and Jeongin’s relationship because he didn’t want to go too far with himself, but now it was all out. And he wanted everything.

He looked at the clock and saw that it was almost one in the morning. He sighed and stood up. They loved each other now, and he would do whatever he could for them.

His thigh hurt as he walked back to Jisung and Jeongin’s room but he suppressed a smile when he saw them laying down together. Jeongin was on his back and Jisung was on his side next to him with his arm over the younger boy, but Jeongin was still awake. He looked up when Seungmin entered and gave him a smile.

Seungmin didn’t waste any time before he pulled back the blanket and settled himself directly on top of Jeongin. He often did this to annoy and tease the younger boy, but now he was doing it out of pure affection.

Jeongin covered them both with the blanket and rubbed Seungmin’s back. “Hyung?” he asked. “You okay?”

“Yes,” he whispered. His hands found Jeongin’s shirt and he buried his face in between his neck and shoulder. “I love you, Innie.”

Jeongin buried his face in Seungmin’s hair and smiled. “I love you too, Seungmin.”

---

When Jisung woke up, he was pleasantly surprised at the boy sleeping on top of Jeongin. After Seungmin left the night before, Jisung was worried that he’d overthink or distance himself again, but it seemed like he did the opposite. The two maknaes were still sleeping, so Jisung settled for running a hand through Seungmin’s hair and waiting. Seungmin woke up a few minutes later, as expected of their resident light sleeper. Jisung watched fondly as Seungmin’s nose scrunched where it was buried in Jeongin’s shoulder before his eyes slowly blinked open. Seungmin felt the hand in his hair and assumed it was Jeongin, but Jeongin was still asleep when he looked up. He looked at Jisung and his eyes widened.

“Hey, Minnie,” Jisung whispered, smiling. Seungmin smiled back and rested his cheek on Jeongin’s chest. Jisung almost melted. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he croaked quietly. He kept his eyes on Jisung while the older boy continued to stroke his hair. Seungmin clutched Jeongin’s shirt tighter, and that seemed to be what woke the younger boy up.

Jeongin sighed as his eyes opened and he made eye contact with Jisung. He was confused at first before he remembered what happened. He was scared out of his wits at first, but Seungmin came back to them in the end.

“‘Morning,” Jeongin grumbled. Jisung giggled while Seungmin looked up at Jeongin. The maknae gave him a smile and rubbed his back again.

Seungmin sighed. “I need to talk to you both today.” Jisung was immediately nervous, but Jeongin was a little calmer. He had higher hopes after Seungmin told him that he loved him.

“When?” Jeongin asked. Seungmin swallowed.

“Well… Now, I guess.” Seungmin didn’t make a move to get up, though, so Jeongin sat them up slowly and leaned against the headboard. Seungmin moved with him before he sat down in front of Jisung and Jeongin, just like he did for their first relationship talk. Jeongin felt too light without the weight on his chest.

Seungmin fiddled with his sleeves while he nearly drowned in the hoodie - Minho’s hoodie, Jeongin found. He liked how it looked on Seungmin, how the older boy was drowning in the soft cotton.

“Before you start,” Jisung hesitated, “can I ask if this is good or bad?”

Seungmin saw the anxiety in the older boy’s eyes and immediately felt bad. He surprised the other two when he took one of Jisung’s hands in both of his own hands. “It’s good, I promise. I’m sorry, I should have clarified that sooner.”

Jisung shook his head. “It’s okay, Minnie. I was just overthinking.” He gave Seungmin a smile and the younger boy took a deep breath and cleared his throat.

“So… I was thinking for the past few days and last night about us,” he started. He couldn’t make eye contact but he wished he could. “I’m still nervous because of the company and our careers and the other members. I don’t understand how you two are so confident about it all.”

“Well, first of all, the hyungs would support us in anything we do,” Jeongin said. “They aren’t homophobic or anything like that. They’d probably think it’s risky, too, but Sungie hyung and I are willing to take that risk.”

“Yeah,” Jisung added. “Besides, we’re already a very tactile group. Other than kissing and stuff, whatever we do would probably seem normal.” Seungmin nodded.

“I guess I understand that,” he sighed. “I also thought about it without those factors, though, and I… I definitely want to be in a relationship with you. Both of you.” He was nearly whispering out of self-consciousness and Jeongin put a hand on his knee. “I’ve never done this before, though, so I don’t know what to do.”

“Neither did I, hyung,” Jeongin shared. “Sungie hyung helped me a lot.” Jisung smiled and Seungmin nodded again. He was shy all of the sudden.

“I only dated someone for a few months, but there are some things I regret not doing.” Jisung held Seungmin’s hands tighter. “First of all, we need to discuss boundaries. Things we’re each comfortable and not comfortable with. Innie and I talked about this on the day we started dating and it was really helpful. This way we can keep each other safe and happy.”

“Okay,” Seungmin whispered. He looked up and made eye contact with Jisung - the older boy looked elated, worried, and fond all at once. “I don’t… What kind of boundaries?”

“Well, there’s things like cuddling and kissing that some people might not be okay with. I can guess that you like cuddling but until you say it yourself I’m not going to assume.” Jisung was completely serious about this, and Seungmin respected him for it.

“I do like cuddling. A lot, actually.” Seungmin probably surprised them with that. He used to be against touch most of the time, but after his feelings grew for the boys, he wanted more and more. “I’ve been craving it more recently, especially from you two.”

Jisung could have cooed, but Seungmin was in a nervous and fragile headspace, so he toned it down. “Thank you for telling us, Minnie. I also love physical touch. Obviously.”

“I like it too,” Jeongin added. “I don’t like it as much as Sungie hyung, though.” Seungmin nodded.

“And um… about kissing,” he said. “I don’t know yet. I’ve never done it, not even when I was a kid.” Jisung gave him another smile.

“That’s okay! We can try it whenever you want to but don’t force yourself if you’re not ready. If you’re not comfortable with things like that then Innie and I don’t have to do those things in front of you, either.”

Seungmin’s eyes widened. “No, no! It’s not that I’m uncomfortable with it. I don’t mind it if you guys kiss each other.” He flushed. “I’m fine with kisses that are, like, on the forehead or hair or hands. I like those. But I don’t want to actually kiss yet. I do eventually, just… not right now.”

“So, kisses that aren’t on the lips are okay? Cheeks are okay, too?” Jisung asked. Seungmin nodded. “And neck kisses?” Jeongin smiled at that.

“Yeah. Just not the lips, I guess.”

“Okay! Tell us if anything changes, though. We’ll wait until you’re ready, hyung,” Jeongin told him. Jisung had said the same words to him when they had this conversation. “There’s another thing we talked about, but it’s kind of awkward…”

Seungmin blushed. He knew where this was going. He coughed. “Well, um… I’m definitely not ready to go that far yet. But I don’t mind if you guys want to do it together at some point.”

“Thank you for telling us, Minnie. Jeonginnie isn’t comfortable enough for that yet, either. We probably won’t bring up these topics very much, though, so if you ever change your mind or want to tell us something, don’t hesitate, okay?” Seungmin nodded. “I’ve had sex before but we didn’t go all the way. It was with my girlfriend Hyeyoung in high school before I came to JYP. We did it a few times but it was mostly for the experience.”

Seungmin’s eyes widened. “Oh. I… I didn’t know that.”

Jisung smiled. “I know. I didn’t tell anyone about that because it wasn’t necessary. I told Jeonginnie when we had our conversation, too.”

“And hyung…” Jeongin interrupted. “I hope you don’t feel bad or left out because we’ve been together a bit longer than you. Just know that it doesn’t change anything. We love you as much as we love each other.”

Seungmin nodded and smiled. “Thank you, Innie. I do feel a little left out because I don’t know what you guys have done and talked about, but… I know you’ll include me from now on.”

“Definitely, Minnie.” Jisung gave him a big smile. He was excited. “There’s actually one more thing I want to ask you.”

Seungmin nodded but Jeongin was confused. He wasn’t sure what else they talked about.

“How do you feel about pet names?” Seungmin’s eyes widened. “Not weird ones, I promise. Just things like babe, baby, love, those things. I know I’ve called you ‘baby’ before but I never asked for permission. It's going to be a little different now so if you’re not comfortable with that then I won’t call you those anymore.”

Seungmin thought before he shook his head. “I’m fine with those things. I think they’re cute,” he mumbled.

“Why didn’t you ask me that?” Jeongin asked curiously. Jisung chuckled.

“Well, I called you ‘baby’ while we were talking and you got all shy. You said it was meaningful when I asked if you like it, remember? You’re so cute.” He pinched Jeongin’s cheek and the younger boy shoved his hands away, whining.

“Don’t say it like that,” he complained. Jisung just smirked, and he noticed Seungmin smiling, too.

“Is there anything you want to ask us, Min?”

“Yeah. Have you guys… kissed yet?” He looked up sheepishly from his hands but he relaxed when Jeongin blushed.

“Yeah…” Jisung said. “We have a lot, actually. But that doesn’t mean you have to. Not all relationships have to involve those things.”

“Okay.” Seungmin assumed that’s what Jisung would say, and he was glad that the other two boys didn’t mind waiting for him. “I have one more thing. I want to apologize about my behavior since I didn’t the last time we talked like this. I noticed that you two were dating so I distanced myself from you, but I shouldn’t have done that. It only got worse when my feelings for you grew, and I should have talked to you before it got this bad. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, hyung,” Jeongin said kindly. “I think we are more at fault. We should have told you about our relationship sooner, but it was still new and we were nervous about it. We knew that you’d be fine with it, though, and we planned to tell you after we realized something was wrong. I’m sorry for not communicating well, hyung.”

“I’m sorry too,” Jisung said. “I didn’t notice that you were getting further away until Innie told me. I was too absorbed in my relationship with him that I forgot about you.” He winced. “That sounds terrible. I’m so sorry, Minnie.”

Seungmin’s eyes stung. “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean anything bad by it.” They nodded and Seungmin took a moment.

He just officially confessed that he loved Jisung and Jeongin. It was out there. It was official.

He lifted a hand to wipe a tear as he sniffled. Jisung opened his arms and said, “Come here, Minnie.” Seungmin wasted no time in hugging Jisung tightly, falling into place between him and Jeongin. Jeongin hugged him from behind and Seungmin felt like they were three adjacent pieces of a puzzle.

“Sungie,” he whispered.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” He only told Jeongin the night before. Jisung smiled.

“I love you too, Seungminnie.”

“Does this mean… Are we boyfriends?” he asked quietly.

“If that’s what you want, Min, then yes.”

“I do. I do want that.” Jisung kissed his forehead and Seungmin breathed shakily.

“Okay,” Jeongin said, smiling into Seungmin’s back. “Then we’re boyfriends.”

Seungmin never felt happier.

---

Seungmin must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew, he was being shaken.

“Seungmin. Seungmin, wake up,” a voice called gently. He blinked his eyes open and realized that he was almost in Jisung’s lap. His knees were on the older boy’s thighs and his head was on his shoulder as Jeongin stood next to the bed to wake Seungmin. He looked up sleepily and tightened his grip around Jisung’s arm.

Jeongin smiled. “Hey. It’s a little past noon, we need to eat.” Seungmin nodded. Jisung was awake and he ran a hand through Seungmin’s hair.

Seungmin sat up to stretch and Jisung did the same. The older boy didn’t fall asleep, but he was trapped under Seungmin and he couldn’t complain. Jisung stood first and pulled Seungmin to his feet.

“What do you want to eat?” Jeongin asked. Seungmin shrugged sleepily.

“Do we have leftovers?” Jisung asked.

“Yeah. We still have that tteokbokki from a few days ago, if you're ready for that again.” They nodded and Jeongin held Seungmin’s hand as they went to the kitchen while Jisung went to the bathroom. Jeongin prepared the tteokbokki and Seungmin stood silently beside him.

“Hey, hyung?” Jeongin asked after he started the microwave. “Are you sure you’re okay? Your nightmare last night was the worst I’ve ever seen.”

“I’m okay,” he mumbled. “It was bad at first, but… I don’t know. I knew it wasn’t real and it was mostly just flashbacks. I can't remember all of it now.” Jeongin nodded.

Jisung joined them again. “It smells so good,” he commented. He stood next to Seungmin and wrapped an arm around his shoulders until the food was done. Jeongin brought it to the table and they sat in their usual seats with Seungmin in the middle.

They began eating in silence and Jisung put his hand on Seungmin’s thigh. He regretted it, though, when Seungmin hissed.

“Minnie?” Seungmin looked down and peeled the hem of his shorts up. He winced.

There were still small red crescents from his fingernails but now there were small bruises under each one.

“That looks bad,” Jeongin worried. He didn’t see the injury the night before like Jisung did.

“It’s okay,” Seungmin said, “it’s not that bad.”

“Do you want anything for it? Pain meds, bruise cream?” Seungmin shook his head at Jeongin.

“Min.” He looked at Jisung, who was looking at him seriously. “Has this happened before?” He spoke softly but Seungmin’s breath caught in his throat.

“No? I mean, not really…”

“Seungmin.” He looked back at Jisung. “You don’t have to say anything now. But if you ever feel bad, if you ever feel depressed, please tell us, okay?” Seungmin nodded. He forgot that he told Jisung and Jeongin about that.

“I don’t really get depressed anymore,” he said anyway. “I haven’t had the urge to… y’know… since before JYP. And it didn’t happen very much.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Jisung sighed and he looked relieved. Seungmin gave him a curious glance and Jisung said, “Sorry. I just got worried after we drifted apart and I thought you might’ve been depressed.”

Seungmin grabbed Jisung’s hand. “I… I think I was.” Jisung’s eyes widened. “I ended up talking to Minho hyung a few nights ago and he reassured me. It was my fault, though. I felt bad because I distanced myself from you all and I knew that it’d go away if we got closer again. I feel a lot better now.”

Jisung leaned his head on Seungmin’s shoulder. “Thank you for telling us. I’m glad you feel better. But promise me you’ll tell us if you feel bad again. Please?”

Seungmin rubbed Jisung’s arm. “I promise. Only if you do, too. Both of you.” Seungmin made sure to include Jeongin; while the youngest wasn’t diagnosed with a mental illness, he could feel bad any time as well. Seungmin knew that Jeongin would push his feelings aside for his hyungs any day, and he didn’t want that to happen.

“I promise,” Jisung said. Seungmin looked at Jeongin.

“I promise, too, hyung.” Jeongin gave him a smile and they went back to eating their food.

Maybe Seungmin worried so much over nothing.