Chapter Text
It’s a cold night but the sky is clear, Levi can see it perfectly. The stars, they look like tiny flickering dots in the distance, mingling with patches of green and blue and purple that could dazzle even the blind. Anyone, but not Levi. Not tonight.
It’s funny. To think all Levi once dreamt of was watching the stars like this, and now that he’s able to see them every night, from that rooftop or out in the open field; now that he can sleep and drink and piss and kill under that same sky, it suddenly doesn’t seem so sublime.
From the floor where he’s been sitting this past hour, Levi raises his gaze again, and wonders if, perhaps, if they were there with him, the stars would shine a little brighter.
It doesn't matter now.
Levi shifts, stretches his legs, they’ve gone numb and cold from sitting there for so long. He shakes his head and sucks in a sharp breath to keep his eyes from welling. There’s no point in mourning the dead. He’s gone through this before, and he’ll go through it again. Because that’s what life is, what life has been to him anyway. There’s no point in wondering about ‘what if’s, because the fact is that they are not there with him, and no amount of mourning or fretting or regretting will bring them back.
They’re gone. Furlan and Isabel are gone, and all because of his own recklessness. And because of that man Levi had once sworn to kill, the same man who’s offered him a second chance, the very same man who’s walking towards him right now. Just how long has he been standing there watching him?
“Enjoying your night?” He hears Erwin say, solemnly, distant, the way he always sounds whenever he’s speaking during a meeting. Levi doesn’t like it one bit.
“It’s alright,” Levi shrugs, eyes fixed on the flickering lights up in the dark sky. It’s all he can think of saying right now, and he doesn’t bother to try any harder. Not for him .
“Mind if I join you?”
Before waiting for Levi’s answer, Erwin is already walking his way.
And Levi does mind. Oh, he does. Because in spite of himself, in spite of everything that Erwin Smith entails, anything is better than being alone with his thoughts tonight.
“Sure,” he says, and he hates himself for it.
Erwin slithers by his side, takes a seat next to him from a distance, and gazes up at the stars.
“They’ve been asking for you,” Erwin says after a while, eyes fixed up in the sky, “Miche says you skipped training again today.”
Fuck. He’s been caught again.
“How did you know I was here?” Levi says, partly annoyed, mostly surprised.
“You come here a lot. I’ve seen you.”
“And the commander sent you after me for punishment.” It isn’t a question. Levi’s grown used to it by now.
“Sorry to disappoint,” Erwin retorts, “but I wasn't looking for you. I merely came here to watch the stars.”
“Yeah, right,” mutters Levi under his breath, just loud enough for Erwin to hear. And he seems to, indeed, because he’s wearing a smug smile. God, how Levi wishes to wipe that stupid smile off his face with his fists. But he knows better now. He doesn't need to add another day of cleaning toilets to his count. So he bites his tongue and looks up at the sky.
They sit like that for a while, Erwin cross-legged, Levi softly hugging his knees. There is silence between them, and Levi is grateful for it. He doesn’t have the energy nor the will for small talk. He’d rather quietly gaze at the stars, and so does Erwin, it seems.
A sudden beam of light flashes before their eyes, and it catches Levi out of breath. He blinks twice, just to make sure his eyes are not deceiving him. When a second beam shoots across the sky, Levi can’t help but gasp in alert. It’s as if the stars were falling. He’s never seen anything like that.
“What was that? What’s happening?” He looks at Erwin for an answer, who’s surprisingly calm for someone watching the sky crumbling to pieces over their heads.
“They’re called shooting stars. It happens when a meteor burns up in the atmosphere,” Erwin smiles, and his eyes mirror the night; they glisten with wonder and awe. “I read about them, but it’s the first time I’ve seen them.”
None of those words mean anything to Levi, but by the peaceful look in Erwin’s eyes, it mustn’t be something so bad.
“Now that I think about it,” Erwin says, “I don’t think I ever stop to look at the stars like this.”
It’s true. He never does, Levi has noticed. Even when they’re out there camping, Erwin usually goes straight to his tent at night when the rest stay up drinking around the fire.
There’s a comfortable silence, a compliant amusement as they continue to stargaze, a strange feeling they both let linger for a while longer.
“You really shouldn’t skip training,” says Erwin after a while. “You’ll get me in trouble, and you’ll make Hange sad and Miche angry.”
“It’s boring.” Levi leans back to rest his elbows to his sides on the floor, lets his head hang. “There’s no point in sparring with people if I’m only killing titans now. And I already know how to use the ODM gear, you know that. That’s why you hired me.”
“Recruited.”
Levi’s head snaps up at him. “Huh?”
“It’s ‘recruited’, not ‘hired’. You’re not a mercenary anymore. And I’m not your employer, I’m your captain. Remember that.”
“Whatever.” Levi’s head hangs again. “Different name, same shit.”
They all seem like pigs to him anyway, with their rosy cheeks and their full bellies.
He can hear Erwin chuckle beside him, but he doesn't turn, he won’t give him that satisfaction.
“We all look like pigs to you, don’t we?” Erwin says, and Levi’s jaw clenches, to keep from dropping. Does the fucker read minds now?
“If you want to stay, you must follow the rules,” Erwin’s speaking in his captain's voice this time. “Everyone needs daily training.”
“Even you?” He feigns curiosity, and Erwin sees right through him.
“Yes, Levi, even me.”
“It’s funny you say that, because I’ve never seen you at the training grounds.”
“Is that why you don’t like to go there?”
Levi doesn’t need to look to know Erwin’s grinning. He scoffs, and that’s his only answer.
Erwin sighs at his silence, and his voice is soft again. “Why did you agree to stay, Levi?”
Why did he stay? Even Levi can’t answer that.
Ever since he joined the Survey Corps he’s been given a roof over his head and a warm plate of food at the end of the day. They house and feed him; Levi goes out there and kills for them. It’s what he’s been doing his whole life. At least now he gets to kill titans instead of people. It was a fair deal, yes, but that wasn’t really the reason.
The past months he’s been living day by day, shoving water down his tight throat and pushing crumbs of bread through his dried lips, everything tastes like ash in his mouth. He doesn’t sleep at night staring at the empty bed beside him, and he finds no pleasure in anything other than being alive, there’s no wish or need to fulfill. So what’s keeping him going?
He thinks back to that day. That fateful day when his life turned upside down, and he remembers. The wind against his face, the rumbling of hooves like a thousand drums, the wings of freedom, waving on Erwin’s cloak as Levi rides behind him outside the walls.
Freedom. Levi had sought it up there on the surface, only to find himself trapped between these walls all along.
His whole life Levi’s been surviving. For the first time, he’s living, all because of the man sitting next to him right now.
“Who knows?” Levi says quietly, and rises to head back inside, ready to face another sleepless night.
Training isn’t so bad after the following few weeks. It keeps Levi busy and tired to get just enough sleep. When he’s not sparring in the headquarters, he’s out there on expeditions, keeping his mind occupied by watching out for titans. He’s good at it. At killing titans. Whenever his blade slashes through the flesh it gives him the slightest sense of accomplishment.
It’s always the same. Erwin rides in the front, Levi right behind him with the rest. Nobody is allowed to ride by his side, not even Miche or Hange, in spite of their protests. How ironic, Levi thinks, that he’s been given the rear position, when he could stab Erwin in the back anytime. He wouldn’t have blinked twice to do it a few months ago, but now he’s watching Erwin’s back.
Levi’s noticed he’s growing more tired and less irritable these days. His body’s feeling it too, it begs him for food and water to keep him going through the long days of riding and camping in the wild. Sometimes, when he rides for too long, it’s hours before he can feel his legs again and walk up straight, and it’s getting harder to sleep on the ground when they camp now that he’s getting used to sleeping on a proper bed. He’s getting hungrier every day, too, and it’s not just bread and soup that he’s able to swallow. He discovers that food doesn’t taste that bad after a long sparring session, and beer tastes better when it’s drunk by a bonfire.
For the most part, however, being inside the walls is still quite boring. It’s a pity that nobody really presents a real challenge for a fight during training. Except Miche, maybe, but, just like Erwin, he hardly ever spars with the newer recruits. They’re too good for that, or at least that is probably what they think.
If Levi keeps going like this, he’ll grow weak and lazy sooner rather than later. Which is why lately he’s been forcing himself not to skip training, even if he's just there doing push ups in a corner.
And he’s doing exactly that when one of those days Erwin finally shows up for training.
Levi spots him from the other end of the training grounds. It’s hard not to do so when his height is impossible to miss, especially when he’s wearing that long coat. Erwin sees Levi right away, too, as though he’s been expecting him.
“Look who’s decided to honour us with his presence. What do we owe this honour to?” Levi sneers. “Did your ass go numb from sitting behind your desk all day?”
Erwin’s face is immutable, as always. “I’m not here to train today, just to observe.”
Of course , Levi thinks. He’s come to police him.
“That’s a shame,” Levi folds his arms against his chest. “I felt like kicking someone’s ass today.”
Erwin blinks, and Levi can see the slightest hint of annoyance in his narrow eyes.
“I’d gladly spar with you anytime, but I don’t wish to expose you to ridicule right now in front of an audience.”
Levi flinches, a surge of rage runs through his veins. It’s the first thing he’s felt in a long time.
Bastard . There’s no way he’ll get away with it.
“It’s ok,” Levi shrugs, “we don’t have to fight if you’re scared.”
Erwin huffs a laugh in disbelief. There’s no arrogance or spite in it, but pure confidence, which makes it even more irritating. “I’m not scared.”
Levi’s jacket is already tossed on the ground before he can speak. “Fight me then.”
There’s murmuring around them, some whistling and giggling, and Levi can’t stop himself from grinning.
“You asked for it,” Erwin sneers, his coat lands on the ground right next to Levi’s jacket, and they both cuff their sleeves to get ready.
“The captain and Levi are fighting!”
Shouts someone, and Levi can feel his heart racing. It’s the closest thing to excitement he’s felt in months.
There’s an audience now around them. People gather in a circle, chanting Erwin’s name, and it makes Levi’s blood boil. He will beat the shit out of him until it’s his name they’re claiming.
He hasn’t yet finished thinking about this when Erwin charges, no time wasted. Levi’s tumbled to the ground in an instant, his head spinning.
There’s cheering and clamoring, but Levi doesn’t let that distract him. He’s too worried about Erwin’s massive arms around his neck choking him, about Erwin’s knee pressing on his chest as Levi tries to break free. Shit . He’s really out of training. He can’t let this end so quickly. For fucks sake, he’s taken down men bigger than him when he was 15.
In a swift movement of his hips, Levi shifts on himself, slips out of Erwin’s grip to wrap his legs around his neck and strangle him, making Erwin bleat in pain.
“Yield,” Levi’s voice is hoarse, tainted with thrill and excitement. Erwin’s strong fingers reach for his neck, but Levi repels them and it’s his shirt that Erwin pulls at. Buttons pop off, fabric tears, but that doesn’t stop Levi from choking him. Erwin’s eyes are closed and his face is red. Soon he’ll break him.
Both their bodies twist and turn with equal violence, their hands and limbs sliding against each other with sweat. It’s slippery and hot and it should feel disgusting, but it somehow doesn't. Levi finds himself seeking for more of that contact, of the violent clash of limbs and the rubbing of skin on skin.
The pressure on his shirt dissipates, Erwin’s no longer pulling. He’s gone quiet now, too quiet, and Levi’s heart jumps in his throat. Shit, maybe he overdid it. Why didn’t he just yield?
When he thinks Erwin’s about to faint, Levi feels a hand under his back, an arm between his legs, and he’s suddenly thrashed on his face again at the ground, to lie flat on his stomach. Erwin’s whole body weight is crushing him hard, and he can feel the air leave his lungs all at once.
“Yield,” Erwin’s voice is warm and breathy against his ear, it sends chills down Levi’s spine.
There’s no way he will lose to him.
Levi desperately raises his hips, but Erwin presses against him even harder, twisting Levi’s arms against his back, making him moan in pain.
“Just yield already,” Erwin’s breathing’s become troubled now too. His chest clashes against Levi’s back every time Levi attempts to turn, and it seems to weaken Erwin’s grip.
In a desperate attempt, Levi raises his hips until he’s on his knees, lifting Erwin with him in a last effort to break free.
“Stop that,” Erwin says, and his voice becomes weaker every second that passes. His grip loosens to the point it doesn’t hurt anymore, and his body’s not crushing Levi’s, but he’s not moving either. And Neither does Levi. He’s too tired and amused for that. Just imagining Erwin’s face brings him satisfaction beyond comparison. He’d pay to see his face right now.
With difficulty, Levi turns to look at him over his shoulder.
“You gonna finish this or what?” Levi says, he’s panting hard, but that doesn’t stop him from grinning. “What are you waiting for? To cum in your pants or something? I can feel your fat cock getting hard against my ass.”
“What a foul mouth you have there,” Erwin huffs, and it’s the first time Levi senses anger in his words. He rises, and pulls Levi up by his hair with him. “You’ll need to learn some manners, Levi.”
Levi rises with difficulty, his hands still bound behind his back.
“Teach me then,” Levi sneers, but in spite of his words, it becomes harder to hold his grin. “I’m a quick learner.”
“I’m sure you are.” Erwin finally sets him free. “But we’ll leave that for another time.”
Only then Levi turns. He sees Erwin fix his clothes and his hair back to its usual place. Slowly, the redness of his cheeks fades, and his attentive eyes are scanning Levi from head to toe. They stop at his chest, and linger here for a moment, and Levi begins to wonder what he’s looking at.
“You’ll need a new shirt,” Erwin says before he takes his leave.
That’s when Levi realizes he’s standing bare-chest in the middle of the training ground with several eyes on him.
Erwin’s office is located at the farthest end of the building. Levi’s been summoned there only once before, when he first joined the Survey Corps. Unlike that day, he doesn’t expect a warm welcome tonight. Neither does he have Furlan or Isabel to ease him.
He knocks on the door twice before entering.
“You wanted to see me?”
The door closes behind him, and Levi settles in the chair in front of Erwin’s desk before he’s asked to have a seat.
Erwin is standing by the bookshelf, hands solemnly behind his back, face stern under the dim light of the candles.
“Levi,” his voice is severe, but calm. “We need to talk about the way you speak to your superiors.”
Levi sighs. Not again, that same talk. He’s not in the mood for it.
He rises from the chair, and slowly walks around the room, inspecting every detail of it. “What about it?”
He can hear Erwin click his tongue as he walks behind him.
“I’m your captain. You can't keep talking to me like that. Especially not in front of my subordinates. They will start questioning my authority.”
There are many details about this room that Levi didn’t catch last time he was there, probably fantasizing about how he was going to kill Erwin. There are far too many books, and barely any ornaments, other than a clock on the wall.
Levi walks to stand by Erwin’s desk, runs a finger through it. Clean, he assesses. Except for the bread crumbs and an empty cup of coffee that’s left a dark halo on the wood. He must be eating there often, Levi thinks, because he never sees Erwin at lunch or supper in the dining room with the rest.
He continues his way across the room, Erwin following him closely behind, and Levi surveying the place. When he stands by the bookshelf, something catches his attention. There’s a book that stands out from the rest, old and leather-covered. It’s a little high in the upper shelf, but he can still reach on his toes. Before Levi can get any closer, Erwin’s strong fingers latch onto his wrist to stop him.
“Please don’t touch that.” There’s politeness in his words, but his glare is threatening, the sudden change in his tone thrilling.
Levi gulps. “Got some secrets to hide, captain?”
“Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” Erwin’s iron grip tightens around Levi’s wrist until his knuckles whiten.
“Let go,” Levi demands, he yanks his hand away, and holds Erwin’s gaze until he reluctantly releases him.
“You can’t keep talking to your superiors like that. You understand that?”
Pretending not to hear him, Levi runs a finger over a shelf, collecting a thick layer of dirt.
“When was the last time you cleaned this?”
“Levi, I’m talking to you.”
“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Are you really going to make me quote such vulgar words?”
Levi has to bite his lip not to laugh. “Oh, you mean when we were sparring earlier?”
“Yes, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You can’t speak to me like that, or there will be consequences.”
“Does that mean I was right?” Levi turns to look at him now, and walks around Erwin until he’s facing him.
Erwin’s watching him do so with caution, still as the night, as if observing a wild animal, his eyebrows slightly drawn together. “What?”
“Did I strike a nerve?”
“No.”
“Then why do you get so angry?” Levi takes a step forward.
“I’m not.” Erwin takes two more. His eyes shift from Levi’s lips to his eyes back and forth. The air in the room seems to thicken.
“I wonder,” Levi says, “is that the real reason why you called me here tonight, captain?”
Erwin swallows hard, the sound echoes in the room.
“Excuse me?”
“Maybe you’re not the gentleman you appear to be. Everyone seems to think so highly of you, but I know what you really are.”
“Is that so?” He can see Erwin’s hands clench into fists, there’s defiance in his eyes. “And what am I, according to you?”
Levi scoffs, the closeness between them makes his blood rush to his guts with irritation, just like it did when they fought that morning, and during their first encounter in the Underground, his blood boils with anger, but also with something else. Something he can’t quite put into words.
Erwin’s eyes are fixed on his lips, and Levi’s nose wrinkles at him.
“I’ve seen many men with that same look in your eyes before. And they all just want one thing. Under that pretty face and perfect smile, you’re a monster, just like them.”
Erwin’s lips part, they seem to shape a word but no sound comes out. His jaw tenses, his eyes close briefly, then he steps back.
Without looking at Levi, he moves to his desk to take a seat.
Levi’s still standing in the same place, waiting for him to snap, to yell at him, hit him, to react in any way, but nothing comes and it’s somehow so much worse.
“Well, I hope I’ve made myself clear about this issue,” is all Erwin says before he dips his quill in ink and continues to write his reports without sparing him a glance. “You’re dismissed. Close the door when you leave.”
Levi takes his leave, but not without banging the door on his way out first.