Chapter Text
“I don’t eat cookies,” Techno said before the child on his doorstep could speak.
Said child’s brow immediately crinkled in confusion. It opened its mouth to speak.
“I’m a vampire,” Techno explained to it. “We don’t eat things.”
The human shut its mouth, its face scrunching up dramatically. Oh god, was it going to cry?
“I’m not a fucking girl scout!” it yelled, or more accurately shrieked. Ah, rage then. That was better than crying even if it hurt Techno’s ears more.
“Oh,” replied Techno. “Er, well, whatever it is, I’m not buying.”
“I’m not selling shit,” the human told him, arms crossing. “I have a business proposition for you.”
Techno looked at the human for a long silent moment. “Bye,” he said, and went to slam the door, but somehow the human managed to wedge its foot in the way before he could. Now, Techno could just smash the foot, but Phil would probably be pretty mad if Techno broke some random human child’s foot on top of everything else that had happened this week.
“Hey!” the kid shrieked, affronted.
“Look kid,” Techno said, taking a breath and rubbing his temples. “I’m dealing with a lot right now. I don’t have time for whatever you,” he waved his hand at it, “are.” He kicked at the child’s foot in an attempt to nudge it back outside, but the foot did not budge.
“I know you’re dealing with a lot,” the kid said with a toothy grin. “That’s why I’m here. I have a solution to all of your un-life’s woes.”
Techno looked the child up and down briefly, finally bothering to actually register who he was talking to for the first time.
The human child was probably a young boy, a teenager in particular, with dirty blond hair. Emphasis on the dirty; his hair was filthy and might actually be a lighter blond if he’d washed it in the last fortnight.
He was all together quite grimy. Techno would have guessed he’d slept in a trash can last night if he didn’t look like he hadn’t slept at all in weeks. The dark circles under his eyes contrasted harshly with the pallor of his face. Techno had seen freshly fed off humans with more blood in their cheeks.
His hoodie was far too large for him and ripped in various places. The design on the front was faded, but Techno could still make out that it was from the local university. By the smell of it, Techno wouldn’t be surprised if it had been stolen out of the dorm rubbish bin and then worn for a month straight in the sun.
His jeans were so ripped at one of the knees that he was going to have half a pair of shorts if he moved wrong. Techno presumed the rip was a newer development since he could see a large gash on the human’s leg not quite hidden by the disintegrating fabric. He caught a whiff of dried blood, but that was mostly overpowered by the rank smell of human sweat and dirt.
Techno didn’t mean to be elitist, but… this human didn’t exactly fit in standing on Techno’s doorstep. If Techno had any neighbors nearby, they probably would have called the police by now.
“Do you even know where you are?” Techno asked.
“Your house,” the boy replied.
“And do you even know who you’re talking to?”
The boy raised one eyebrow. “Technoblade, aka The Blood God, of the Sleepy Vampire Coven. Currently you’re here to run the new American branch of the Angel of Death’s business. As of last Tuesday, at around 11pm, you’re under investigation for excessive force against humans.” He titled his head, “and not for the first time.”
“I’ll be cleared of all charges by tomorrow morning,” Techno said, pursing his lips.
“In the eyes of the law, maybe,” the human said with a casual shrug, “but I bet that’s not what your sire’s pissed about.”
The boy was unfortunately… very correct. Techno had been on the phone with Phil only 20 minutes before; he’d not been pleased.
“This needs to stop,” Phil’s voice had said. Techno had grimaced only because it could not be seen over the phone.
“These humans deserved it,” Techno had argued, trying very hard to not feel like he was 100 years old again.
“I’m sure they did,” Phil had responded smoothly, “but you need to think about what it looks like to the humans.”
Techno had glanced down at the newspaper in his lap. There had been a giant picture of his own side profile on the cover. One of his arms had been up to try to block his face, but it had done no good. “I think I have a pretty good idea about what they think,” he grumbled.
Phil had just sighed.
“I proved they were illegal vampire hunters,” Techno had said. “What more do they want from me?”
“Perhaps for this to be an isolated incident,” Phil had suggested idly.
“It isn’t my fault all of these idiots think they can take me on. I kill vampires too when they come after me.”
“Maybe so, but that doesn’t change the fact that your image is going down the tubes,” Phil had said. “It needs to be fixed and soon.”
Techno had groaned. “Can’t I just go live in a cave for a few centuries until it all blows over.”
He’d been able to hear Phil’s unimpressed expression over the phone.
“How do I even fix something like this?” Techno had asked. “Go on a talk show?”
“Do not go on a talk show,” Phil had said.
“And you think you can help me with that how?” Techno asked skeptically.
“Easy,” the kid explained with a smile that showed off his teeth. His dull, very weak, human teeth. “I’m 16 and currently lacking in the parent or guardian department…”
“I’m not looking to adopt a human pipsqueak,” Techno said, frowning in distaste.
“It’s not adoption I’m offering,” the human said. “I’m offering you a business deal.”
Techno slowly raised an eyebrow in a way that had sent grown humans running. The apparently 16-year-old muddy limp noodle didn’t bat an eye.
“Look,” the noodle said. “Here’s the deal. You’ve seen Annie, right?”
Techno shook his head, a bored look carefully plastered on his face. However, he couldn’t help but be slightly intrigued by what the child was saying. Only slightly.
“It’s a movie,” the human explained, unconcerned, “and a musical. In it, some rich guy needs a PR boost, and so he goes and picks up a penniless orphan for a week. The idea is the kid gets an awesome Christmas and everyone thinks the rich guy’s some awesome dude. I’m proposing a deal like that, except unlike little orphan Annie, I understand what the deal is going in.”
“Christmas isn’t for, like, 3 months,” Techno pointed out.
The boy scoffed and rolled his eyes at Techno. Techno narrowed his eyes at that. If the kid noticed he’d just pissed off a “known to be violent” vampire with his disrespect, he didn’t seem to care. “I’m not asking for a Christmas miracle.”
“Then what are you suggesting?”
“It’s simple,” the human said. “You call up the foster care facility and ask to take me off their hands. I play perfectly happy little charity case in front of the cameras for two years. We go out once a week or so, and I pretend I’m over the moon about living with a vamp. By the end of two years, no one will be able to argue you can’t control yourself around humans since you fostered one without any issues.”
“And you get?”
“An investment for the future,” the kid replied. “When I age out of the system, you pay for 4 yeas of university so I can actually manage to get a job instead of being thrown to the wolves when I hit 18.”
“That’s it?” Techno asked, wryly. “I hear higher education is pretty expensive paid out of pocket.”
“And I hear you’re rich as fuck,” the boy returned, which was true. “I’ll even work off room and board while I live with you. So, the only cost is the 4 measly little years of university.”
“And how do you expect to do that?”
“I don’t know,” the human said with a shrug. “Rich vamps have shit they need done, I’m sure. I can be a maid, an assistant, an attendant. Whatever you need, buddy.”
“Still,” Techno said. “You’re asking for 4 years of university for 2 years of work. Seems a bit uneven.” It didn’t really if Techno was being honest, but he was interested in the human’s response.
“We both know money’s not an object for you,” the boy said without batting an eye. “I’m offering a very exclusive service you can’t get anywhere else. I’m guaranteeing a public image boost you need right now. Plus, you’ll get brownie points with the press when you pay for my university. People will say you didn’t abandon me even after I wasn’t under your care. It’s a gift that keeps on giving even once I’m out of your hair.”
Techno looked into the human’s eyes. Usually when he did something like that to a human, they’d freak out, at least a little bit. They’d start shifting around uncomfortably and their heartrates would pick up. This human though, stared right back at him unflinchingly, unafraid, and undisturbed. His heartbeat didn’t even speed up.
Despite himself, Techno felt a spark of interest flair. As he stared into the human’s ice blue eyes, he found himself seriously considering the offer for the first time.
“What’s your name?” Techno finally asked.
“Tommy,” the kid answered.
“No last name?”
“Not until you agree to my deal,” he said sweetly. Running from something then, Techno concluded, breaking eye contact to consider his ragged outfit once more.
He reached up to push the door open future. “Why don’t you come in?” he asked.