Chapter Text
It was a beautiful day in the South Downs. The sun was shining, the wind was cooling the air just right and the waves down the cliff were gently rocking.
Lieutenant Gabriel Messenger came out of the Lighthouse with his colleague Lieutenant Sandalphon Gomora, looking greedily at the manor on the edge of the cliff a few kilometers away.
“Well, Sandalphon, today’s the day. Everything is in place, the two spies in the house, my loging in the lighthouse and the presence of Sir Crowley at their sister’s manor. I just have to take Colonel Fell at the train station in time to meet everyone when they come back.”
“Are they not in the house ?”
“Not yet, I saw them go out an hour ago and Newton told me they went to a charity in the village.”
“You trust the two beginners that the station sent you ?” Sandalphon asked with a doubtful look toward the manor.
“Well, Anathema is cold headed and stays calm in pretty much any circumstances. I must admit, however, that I wouldn’t have taken Newton if he was not her husband. He is…”
“Completely stupid ?”
“Quite, yes. But he has some knowledge in plants, so he makes a believable gardener, at least.”
Sandalphon made an unconvinced hum, but didn’t argue further.
“Well, no need to wait more.” Gabriel proclaimed while clapping his hands. “I have enough food for the week and we need to wait for Them to face each other. Any questions before next week?”
“Are you completely sure about that plan? We were lucky that Sir Crowley went on vacation to their sister's house, a house that the sister wants to sell precisely when colonel Fell is searching for a manor next to the sea. You really think that they will try to wed each other just by being in the same room?”
“My dear Sandalphon, Sir Crowley married five times and each of their spouses died, leaving them with a huge fortune. Colonel Fell married six times and each of his husbands died, leaving him with a huge fortune. Both of them have an insane amount of money. Both of them want more money. It’s the perfect bait for these two. They will start to seduce each other as soon as they’ll learn about their fortune.”
“Alright, if you’re so sure. But I don’t want to see you end up in an asylum like superintendent Tatron.”
“Well, as you know, commissaire M.E.Tatron made the huge mistake to chase those two at the same time and around the globe. But I will just be waiting in the lighthouse.”
“And what, exactly, will you be waiting for?”
Gabriel flashed his Megawatt smile.
“The massacre. And then, I will just have to pick up the pieces.”
Gabriel bid farewell to Sandalphon before going to his car and heading back to the train station.
Not a quarter of an hour later, a petite silhouette in a black suit far too large for them was crossing the land toward the manor.
Bee (or Beatrice when ze was in trouble) rushed through the main door into the hall, a pink (and quite frankly ugly) teddy bear in zir arms and went directly to the lounge through the double door. Ze crossed the room towards a built in wall bookcase and reached to the top left corner.
"Beatrice Pott!" Ze heard suddenly.
Ze turned around, panicking, and rushed to the couch. Ze sat on the teddy bear, took a knitting project and put the ball of wool on the part of the teddy that was not hidden.
Ze started knitting just in time for the entrance of zir step-father the former Sergeant Shadwell and zir mother Marjorie "call me Tracy, dear" Pott.
"Beatrice." Started Sergeant Shadwell with an air of rightness in his pose. "You're accused of stealing today's auction's first prize, a teddy bear, at Lady Arielle's Charity, thus bringing shame and deception to your poor mother."
"Well." Intervened Tracy with a tired voice. "That last part has been true for a long time, already…"
"Beatrice, give us back the teddy bear immediately." Continued Shadwell.
Bee didn't bother raising zir head and continued knitting silently.
"Beatrice." Implored Tracy. "Bringing shame to me is one thing, but to your Uncle, a Sir, no less ! Oh, Crowley, I'm so sorry for…"
Tracy interrupted herself when she turned around and discovered that no one was behind her.
"But… where is he? He was just behind me."
She turned helplessly towards Shadwell, who shrugged back at her in the same fashion.
They turned to Bee.
"Bee? " Asked Tracy suspiciously and cautiously. "Where did you put your Uncle Crowley?"
Bee raised indignantly from zir seat.
"I'm a kleptomaniac, not a kidnapper!"
"Ah! The first prize!" Shadwell cried as he spotted the teddy bear that had been revealed.
Bee pouted, but let him take zir stolen object. It wasn't zir aesthetic, anyway, it had just been too tempting for her not to take it.
Tracy was looking through the window, not seeing her brother.
“Oh dear, where could he be?” She asked no one.
She tried another window, which didn’t help her find her missing brother.
“Oh !” She cried suddenly while turning to look at Shadwell with huge eyes. “I hope he didn’t go to the cliff ! He could fall!”
Shadwell’s eyes grew two sizes.
“Aye, that would be a problem.”
Tracy started to fret and went to the main door.
“Crowley!” She called with all she had. “Crowleeeey!”
Suddenly, everyone heard a faint voice shrieking.
“Tracyyyy!”
Shadwell looked around with a suspicious air.
“Crowley?” He asked cautiously.
Bee was staring at the previous bookcase, despair on zir face.
“Oh, bother.” Ze muttered.
Tracy's mother's ears immediately picked on that faint exclamation and she came closer to her child.
“Bee, where is your Uncle?”
Bee looked at zir mother and sighed.
“He is in my secret hiding. He must have passed through the blockhouse but the concrete slab closed automatically and now he is stuck.”
“Good lord! But he will die from asphyxia!” Tracy exclaimed.
“Oh not a chance, you could live several days in it without a problem.”
Tracy breathed a little, relieved to hear that her brother was not in immediate danger.
“Right, so you know how to help him.”
“Well…”
“What?”
“... If I help him, you will know where’s my secret hiding, and then it won't be a secret hiding anymore.”
“Tracyyyyy!”
Tracy tried to stay calm while her brother's calls for help rang in her ears.
“Bee, darling, what’s more important : your secret hiding or your Uncle’s life?”
“Well…”
“What do you mean “well”?!” Tracy shrieked , equally enraged and panicked.
Bee grunted and stomped toward the bookcase.
“You’ll admit that’s irritating. A secret hiding like that doesn’t appear twice!” Ze said while pushing a hiding panel on the top left and taking two steps back.
Without a sound, the bookcase and a part of the floor started to spin on an hidden axis and quickly presented its back where a tall ginger with shoulder length hair and dark clothes (from their Henley under an open waistcoat to their painted on trousers and snake boots) were casually leaning against the wood. Once the mechanism stopped, they slowly straightened up and started to walk to the center of the room while putting a pair of sunglasses in their shirt pocket.
They stopped and turned slowly toward Bee, who was trying to be as unnoticeable as possible.
“Bee?” Crowley (because it couldn’t be anyone else, really) called with a soft voice.
Bee looked at zir Uncle and sighed.
“Yes, Uncle Crowley?”
Crowley motioned for zir to come closer.
“Come here, Bee.”
Bee took a deep breath. Ze loved zir Uncle, and knowing that ze had disappointed him made zir feel guilty. But ze knew that ze deserved the scolding or whatever zir Uncle want to do. So ze came closer, head low and steps heavy.
Ze stopped in front of Crowley and waited.
When he cleared his throat, ze flinched.
“Thanks, Bee.” Crowley proclaimed, making Bee look at him with huge eyes as zir jaw opened wide. “At your age, I would have let my Uncle die.”
Bee smiled wide and spared a smug look at zir mother who rolled her eyes in defeat.
Crowley turned to the still opened secret hiding, curiosity showing on his face.
"Who do you think built that?"
"It could frankly be a lot of people." Bee replied with a morbid glee on zir face. "Since the manor had been built in the 14th century there have been a lot of modifications to it."
Crowley hummed thoughtfully.
"I would think that it could have been Archibald the cannibal. You need a cold room to preserve meat."
"It could also be Chilly Jeanne, the one who took bloodbaths."
Crowley smiled at the suggestion.
"You have to admit we had a lot of monsters in the family, it's astonishing that we don't have ghosts in the manor, we should have one in every single room, in all logic."
“Could you please refrain from talking about ghosts before five O’clock, dears.” Tracy cut them. “And avoid completely the matter today since there will be a potential buyer for the house. By the way, Shadwell, love, could you close the secret hiding, it doesn't look very serious.”
“Aye.” Shadwell answered before closing the door.
“So you’re really determined to sell Mother’s house?” Crowley asked bitterly, his playful smile vanishing from his face.
“I already told you, dear brother, I absolutely can’t keep it. It’s too much to maintain.”
“But it’s in the family since it has been built!” Crowley exclaimed, frustrated. “How can you not even try to keep it?! Why do you prefer to sell it to an unworthy stranger? Who will probably be a swindler!”
“Crowley! You haven't even met him.”
“I don’t need to meet him to hate him! He wants to buy our family house, that’s enough for me.” Crowley declared with finality. “I don’t even want to see him. I’ll go to my room and that’s it!”
Tracy watched helplessly as her brother went into the hall toward the stairs and took it two at a time.
She sighed.
“It could have been worse.” She said to her husband and her child. “At least he will not be here to call the colonel a pimp.”
Just as she finished her sentence, someone knocked at the main door.
“Oh dear, it must be the estate agent and the colonel. Coming!”
She hurried to the hall and opened the door to let two men enter the old manor.
Tracy already knew the second one, Mister Messenger, the estate agent, a tall man with broad shoulders and wearing an impeccable gray suit. The first one was then, by elimination, colonel Fell.
He was shorter than Gabriel, blond hair so light it looked almost white, bright blue eyes and a soft smile. He was wearing an ensemble that seemed a century old, but kept in excellent condition, from the polish oxford shoes to the tartan bow tie.
The colonel smiled brightly at Tracy.
“How do you do? You must be Ms. Pott?” He greeted while taking her hand and kissing it.
Tracy smiled and blush.
“Yes, it’s me, but, please, call me Tracy. Follow me to the lounge, it will be more comfortable. Oh, and here is my husband, the former sergeant Shadwell.”
“How do you do?” The colonel saluted .
Shadwell grunted back at him.
“And my child Bee Pott.” Tracy continued.
“How do you do?” The colonel greeted again with another hand kiss, which was answered by a raised eyebrow.
Tracy was already totally charmed.
After the introductions, the colonel looked around.
“So that’s the house? I must say that it’s marvelously situated. How much do you ask for it?”
“3 000 000£.”
“Oh my, it's much more expensive than I thought. Especially considering the work that's left to do.” The colonel said while watching a wet spot on one of the walls.
“Oh yes, I understand, but it’s really a huge house and the property is extremely vast. There are few estates like ours, even fewer on sale.”
“It’s the only one at the moment, really.” Mister Messenger intervened while sparing glances around, seemingly for something. “Few people want to part with that kind of family property.”
“Oh but I wouldn’t sell it if it was not here that my first husband died in a terrible accident, I assured you.”
The colonel brows raised.
“Oh, I’m sorry, really.”
“You see, there’s a lovely path that winds along the cliff. That’s where he fell.”
“Oh dear.” The colonel said not that horrified, but rather morbidly interested. “And is it high?”
“200 feet.”
“He felt in the sea?”
“No, he bounced back. Several times. And each time he lost a part.”
“How interesting.” The colonel whispered.
“Pardon?” The estate agent asked.
“Oh, I said how horrifying.” The colonel corrected.
“When he arrived down the cliff,” Tracy continued as if no one had talked, “his body was reduced to half of his original self.”
The colonel hummed.
“The price of the house should do the same.” He mumbled for himself.
He passed his hand on the wall and looked at the fireplace. Then he turned to Tracy.
“Madame, it seems the house is what I'm looking for, but the price is far too high for the state of the building. I would therefore offer 1 500 000£.”
Tracy opened her mouth to answer when a voice raised, imperial in its command.
“Do not accept, Tracy!”
The colonel turned around and discovered, on the threshold of the room’s double door, a slim ginger with fire in his eyes.
“I will not let you sell our family house for that ridiculous price!” He added while entering the lounge, his hips balancing enticingly.
Colonel Fell couldn’t help but be mesmerized by the swaying of their hips.
Tracy signed frustratedly.
"Colonel Fell, my brother, Sir Crowley."
"How do you do?" Crowley greeted curtly.
"How do you do?" The colonel answered. “May I know who has the property of the house?”
“That’s me, colonel.” Tracy answered.
“My sister inherited the house.” Crowley added. “Therefore, she can do whatever she wants with it. But the offer of the colonel is rather…hilarious.” He finished, showing his teeth in a snarl.
“Well, I have to say that the most important part of this affair is that my offer doesn’t make your sister laugh.” Colonel Fell replied , not looking at Crowley who was starting to circle him like a predator. “The fact that it makes you laugh is, by consequence, insignificant.”
Tracy sighed defeatedly.
“Crowley, I didn’t even answer the offer of the colonel.”
“But you will accept.” Crowley pointed. “I know you, you've never had any business sense. When we were little, I traded you a fudge for a pen. And I sucked the fudge before I gave it to you.”
Colonel Fell turned, lips pursed, toward Gabriel.
“When they will stop bringing back childhood memories, maybe we could talk again about our current problem?”
“These current problems are very important when my sister is unable to stand her ground when facing a swindler.” Crowley harshly said, coming in front of the colonel.
“Are you saying that for me, sir?” The colonel asked, narrowing his eyes at Crowley.
“I’m saying that for any swindler. I don’t see why I would make any exception for you.” Crowley challenged.
The colonel turned toward the estate agent.
“Come, mister Messenger, I will not stay a second more to listen to the insults of that fool.”
Gabriel seemed taken aback and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Colonel Fell started to walk resolutely toward the hall which led to the main door.
“If my sister is stupid enough to sell the house at that price” Crowley continued, “I will ask her to give me preference.”
Tracy stared at him with wide eyes.
“But you don’t need the house at all!” She argued.
“But it will stay in the family, instead of going to an unworthy person.” Crowley glared at the colonel who had stopped at the door.
“But Crowley,” Tracy argued again, “you already have an apartment in London, a castle in Cornwall, a citadel at St Tropez and a seral in Ankara! You wouldn’t know what to do with a manor in Sussex, deary. That would be a folly.”
"Ah, but every folly is possible with Sir Crowley’s fortune." Gabriel said casually.
The colonel's interest picked immediately.
Sir Crowley's fortune ? He thought. Why, that gorgeous thing is also rich? I may have a solution to have that manor quite easily.
“Yes, and I intend to buy the house. Mister Messenger, prepare the contract.” Crowley added resolutely.
“Oh, I would not let you win that easily, dear boy. I propose 2 000 000 Pound.” Aziraphale said.
“2 500 000.” Crowley followed.
“4 000 000.”
“5 000 000.”
“Gentlemen, please, calm down!” Tracy intervened.
“You're right, sister, my apologies. I don't know why I'm feeling in danger of losing, obviously the colonel doesn't have the money.” Crowley said calmly while checking out the colonel, more interested than he would have liked. “Everyone knows that no one becomes rich in the army.”
“Oh, I assure you, Sir Crowley.” Gabriel interfered. “Every folly is possible with the colonel’s fortune”
Crowley's interest picked immediately.
The colonel's fortune? He thought. Handsome and rich? It seems it's my lucky day. And the manor will be mine without a fight. Perfect.
At that moment, the landline rang loudly. Shadwell went to take it while Crowley sat languorously on the couch staring intently at the colonel, who stared back at him in the same fashion.
"Aye, Tadfiel manor. Ah, Lady Arielle… Yes we found it… Yes, of course, Lady Arielle … No, not at all, Lady Arielle… Yes… Right now… Yeah, good bye, Lady Arielle."
The sergeant hung up.
"T'was Lady Arielle." He said at the assembly.
"Oh! But that's right!" Tracy exclaimed while turning to Bee. "You will give back what you stole. And we come with you. You're able to steal back with one hand what you gave with the other."
"That child needs a firm hand. That's what I always say." Shadwell declared.
"Oh dear, no. I tried, but that doesn't work!"
On that, Tracy and Shadwell went out. Bee smirked and looked at Gabriel.
"Yeah, that's because I love physical punishment." Then ze winked.
Gabriel only looked back and raised an unimpressed eyebrow.
"Oh yes, by the way." Bee said suddenly, turning to Crowley. "Uncle Crowley, since your last visit two years ago, I became a masochist."
"Good job sweetheart." Crowley answered with a lazy smile. "That's handy in any situation, especially politics."
Bee frowned but didn't have time to say anything else when the voice of zir mother called zir from outside.
"Coming!" Ze screamed before trotting toward the door.
Ze stopped next to Gabriel just before going outside.
"Bye, Mister Messenger." Ze said as ze checked him out.
Gabriel looked zir go away before looking back at the two other people staying in the room. He smirked when he discovered that colonel Fell seemed to be fascinated by Crowley and that Crowley himself stared at the colonel hungrily while resting his head in the palm of his hand, elbow resting on the back of the couch.
"Well, as everyone seems to go about their own business, I will go for a walk. By the way, colonel, there's a private cemetery and a chapel on the land of the manor. And I think I will do a little prayer."
And on that he went away.
"A chapel?" The colonel inquired.
"Yes." Crowley answered. "And not a disaffected one. The bishop of Eastbourn accepted that we continue to be able to do religious services like mass, baptism, marriage or funerals."
"What a sweet thing. That means we can be born, live and die without going outside our home."
Crowley’s stare pierced the colonel.
"Yes, indeed."
A silence hovered for a minute between the two before Crowley broke it.
"I'm sorry, I think I didn't ask you your name. I was a little preoccupied, earlier."
The colonel smiled brightly at that.
"Aziraphale Fell, dear boy. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't ask if it was right to call you that."
Crowley brushed away the worry.
"You can call me anything, really. Especially with your way of enunciating your words."
Aziraphale blushed a little at that.
"And what's your name, if I may ask?" He inquired sweetly.
"Anthony J. Crowley. But I prefer Crowley to Anthony. Think it sounds cooler."
"Oh, yes indeed, that's absolutely right."
Crowley gave a flirtatious smile and looked around for a second.
"Do you want some tea?" He asked after seeing an abandoned cup (surely from Tracy) on the coffee table.
"Oh yes, please, if it's not too troublesome."
Crowley only smiled wider and rose from his seat to go to the fireplace where a little bell was waiting. He rang it and soon a woman with round glasses in a traditional maid outfit appeared.
"You rang, Sir?" She asked while bowing.
"Yes, Anathema, could you please bring us some tea? Thank you."
Anathema bowed again and went out of the room.
"Would you sit with me, colonel? That would be easier for serving tea." Crowley proposed as he sat again on the couch and patted the empty space next to him.
"Oh with pleasure, dear boy." Aziraphale answered while coming closer. "I wouldn't dream of missing such beautiful hands serving me tea."
"Oh colonel." Crowley blushed. "You're too kind."
The tea arrived at that moment and Crowley started to serve them as soon as Anathema put the tray on the table. Once each had his tea as they liked it, they sat back on the couch and glanced between their tea and the other, smiling sweetly each time they eyes met.
"When I think," Crowley started at some point, "that earlier, I was ready to bite you."
Aziraphale smiled with a glint in his eyes.
"Well, a Scottish proverb says : a hunter prefers finding a wolf than an oyster."
Crowley closed his eyes to hide the rolling.
Why is every rich people so awkward? He asked himself.
He opened his eyes again and smiled.
Well, at least I've dealt with far worse. He thought, remembering his fourth husband.
Aziraphale smiled brightly, apparently proud of his comment and Crowley found himself smiling back without forcing.
He might be the best thus far.
"You have some family?" Crowley asked nonchalantly.
"Unfortunately, no. My husband died a few months ago. I'm the last representative of the Fell family."
"Oh, how sad…” Crowley frowned. “I'm a widow, myself."
"Oh dear, what a tragedy.” Aziraphale said, putting the hand that was not occupied with his cup on his chest. “I hope you didn't have any problems with the inheritance of your partner?" He added innocently.
"Na, my husband and I had a perfect wedding contract. And perfect doesn't mean complicated. Everything goes to the last one alive. That's an efficient formula." Crowley explained with a smile.
"Yes, for the immovable assets but in terms of money?..." Aziraphale inquired further, trying to not look too interested.
"I have a Swiss account."
"Oh that's good. Me too."
They smiled at each other and Crowley put down his tea.
"Do you want to visit the cemetery?" He asked.
Aziraphale's smile froze a little.
Well, I wasn't expecting that. He thought. It seems that for once, I found a prey with the same taste as me.
"With pleasure." He answered out loud, putting down his tea. "I feel that anywhere with you would be a delight."
Crowley smiled and reached out his hand toward Aziraphale.
The colonel watched him intensely and took the outstretched hand slowly and carefully.
"It feels as if fate had put us on each other's path." Crowley whispered without breaking eye contact.
"Yes." Aziraphale breathed. "It feels ineffable." And then he kissed Crowley's hand, coming closer to him.
"Aouch!" He cried suddenly as if shocked by an electric wire, breaking the kiss.
"What?" A surprised Crowley asked.
Aziraphale looked where he was seated and took the knitting needle that had just poked his behind.
They started to laugh.