Chapter Text
Colin couldn’t believe this was his life.
The trouble started when he began to work at the Office of Incident, Assessment, and Response. Well, if he was being truly honest with himself, the trouble started when he elected to take a career working in IT. Colin could practically hear his father’s advice echoing in his ears:
“My boy,” he boomed, “Don’t ever take a job doing something you love. You’ll hate it by the time you’re as old as me.”
He, in all of his wisdom, had decided that meant his best course of action was to take a job doing something he disliked. He was always an overachiever like that.
For two years, the computers at the O.I.A.R. had leered at Colin, their black screens mocking him. He hated technology with a passion yet the prospect of a night shift, government job with little oversight appealed to Colin. The pension itself almost made up for the less-than-ideal environment he found himself in. He was surrounded by weirdos who casually chatted about eldritch abominations and gore while chowing down on tuna sandwiches. He would have been sickened by this had he ever spent any time actually eating lunch with them.
Colin was skilled at the art of making himself look busy and unapproachable while accomplishing nothing of value. He prided himself on his ability to keep all of the office technology limping along with minimal effort. However, there was one computer that defied him: the ancient Windows NT 4.0 PC which sat in the middle of the office. It was really starting to piss him off.
For nearly two weeks now, the phantom text-to-speech software had haunted Colin. After the first troubleshooting attempt he half-assed failed, he had tried to stage an accident that would end in its demise. Unfortunately for him, Lena had chosen that moment to walk over and supervise his work, for once, and caught him. After she spent almost ten minutes chewing him out, Colin resigned himself to tinkering with the cursed machine in a selfish act of CYA.
His first move was to pull apart every directory he could think of to try to figure out where the speech-to-text software had been installed. There wasn’t a trace of its installation. To his confusion, there wasn’t even an unusual program running whenever it started to speak.
He brainstormed for a while and then returned with a new idea. If he tried to slow down the computer with a bunch of junkware, perhaps the text-to-speech software would be too bogged down to run. This also had zero effect. Once the voices started, nothing could stop them from spewing out their horrors. In fact, the computer was speaking more frequently than ever. The soothing voices even put some interns to sleep and they lovingly dubbed them “spooky ASMR”.
He considered removing the speakers and calling it a day but Lena glared daggers at him the moment he mentioned moving equipment into storage. She had taken a special interest in the computer. Colin had spent several meetings politely nodding while Lena attempted to convince him, in vain, the voices had to be trying to tell them something important. He thought about telling her to kiss his ass as a matter of utter importance but ultimately decided against it. He had reached his creative limit with troubleshooting and his days were now spent avoiding the problem child until Lena demanded his attention return to it.
His phone buzzed to inform him that moment was now.
It was the beginning of Colin’s work week, somewhere between a Monday morning and Sunday evening in that weirdly ambiguous timespan graveyard shift typically covered. Colin lived for the two blessed days a week he could spend at home, engrossed in painting model trains, but the recent end of the weekend left him in a foul mood. He had been sitting in the O.I.A.R.’s kitchen nursing a shitty coffee and even shittier attitude when the emergency text from Lena flashed across his phone. She explained that the situation with the computer was degrading rapidly as the damned thing had started to smoke.
He cursed and threw his coffee in the trash, kicking the trash can on his way out of the door.
As he walked closer to the offending workstation, he heard giggles floating through the door. No doubt it was Alice distracting all of the interns again. Not that he gave a shit about the office’s productivity, mind you. The less everybody did on any given day, he reasoned, the fewer chances there were for bullshit to occur that he had to fix. He steeled himself and walked through the door.
“COLIN!” Alice’s head popped up from behind a cubicle divider, a shit-eating grin plastered across her face. She was surrounded on all sides by interns. “Hey, mate! You’re not gonna BELIEVE what happened overnight.”
“Yeah, I heard it shit the bed,” Colin grumbled, striding over to the desk.The team of interns took one look at his face and scattered like roaches.
He paused in front of the old computer and sniffed the air. The O.I.A.R. had its normal, stale cat-piss -and-mildew smell. Alice’s smile widened.
He sighed. “The computer isn’t smoking, is it?”
“Oh yeah, no. I told Lena that and I knew her prissy ass wasn’t actually gonna come check. I just wanted to get you here as fast as possible.”
After a moment, he covered his face with his hands and screamed into them. Alice patiently waited for him to finish.
He threw his hands back to his sides and stared her down. She was utterly unconcerned. “How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to me unless I've been in this hellhole for at least an hour?” He continued to rant about his morning ritual as Alice stood up and rolled an extra office chair to the desk. She affectionately clapped him on the back before sitting back down, leaning towards him with her hands clasped.
He felt the rest of his rant die in his throat as he noted her facial expression. Was that excitement? His stomach dropped at the idea. Alice tended to only get excited when the office was about to fall apart. She took his silence as an invitation to keep talking.
“Oh, you misunderstood me. The computer isn’t smoking. It’s doing something even better.”
He eyed her suspiciously.
“Why am I here, Alice?”
Alice smiled like the cat who had eaten the canary.
“Well, for starters. Norris, Augustus, and Chester are self aware. And we have their names now.”
A thousand-yard stare was leveled at Alice.
“...What?”
“They started chattering to each other a few hours ago! You see, Chester is Jon, Norris is Martin, and Augustus is Jonah. And the best part?”
He opened his mouth to respond and then closed it after a moment’s hesitation. He had nothing to say. Truly, Alice had outdone herself this time.
”They’re ARGUING. They’ve been arguing all morning! It’s even messier than this shithole!”
She giggled and gestured to the seat next to her impatiently. “Come on, arse down! This is the funniest shit I’ve ever heard in my life.” She cranked the volume knob up. The interns, sensing that there was no actual work being done, swarmed the station and leaned in, grinning wildly.
Colin sat.
Martin: (sighs) Jon? The Eye is awake. He’s hungry. It’s your turn to feed him, since I’ve gotten up the past three times…
Jon: *sobbing noises*
Martin: Ooookay… Never mind, then. One moment.
*beat*
Martin: JONAH! READ A GODDAMN STATEMENT! I’M SICK OF YOU NOT PULLING YOUR WEIGHT!
Jonah: FINE. If it’s another idiot posting on r/twosentencehorror about the ‘tall man’, so help me God—
Jon: (haunted whisper) …God can’t save us…
Martin: (sarcastically) Oh, I’m sorry, Jonah! Are you threatening me? What are you gonna do, traumatize me? OH NOOOO, WHAT IF YOU TRAP ME IN A COMPUTER?
Jonah: I know just the thing to improve morale-
Colin’s brows furrowed together. He interrupted, “What the hell is this supposed to be? A lover’s quarrel?”
“Sure seems that way.” She shushed him and returned her attention to the computer.
Jonah: –team building exercise!
Martin: NO.
Jon: ABSOLUTELY. Not.
Jonah: Let’s play Never Have I Ever. You’re going to love this, Jon. It’s called a game!
*Jon and Martin groan*
Jonah: (slowly and with emphasis )...Never Have I Ever… stabbed a man in cold blood?
Martin: EXCUSE ME-
Jonah: (gleefully talking over Martin) Hmm? Drink up, gentlemen.
He watched Alice gleefully take some cash from one of the interns. The intern huffed in irritation. Apparently, there was an office pool going around with predictions about the voices. Alice turned to the team and triumphantly announced, “See, I knew I recognized that resentment! You only get that after working together.”
She nudged Colin playfully. “I always said some stabbing would improve office morale.”
Colin’s head throbbed as he rubbed his temples. The migraine had officially set in.
Jonah: You know, this whole “world-wide web” thing is delightful. I never saw much use for a computer but I’ve been learning a lot of lingo, as the kids might say it. Did you know you can find all sorts of self-help articles online? Hmm, Jon?
Jon: *weeping noises*
Martin: Jonah, we’ve been over this a thousand times. He was fine until you FUCKED HIM ALL UP!
Jonah: Look at him! That man has never been normal a day in his life. You know what I think, Martin?
Martin: I already know what you think! You say whatever you’re thinking... All. The. Time.
Jonah: I think you’re a narcissist and you're condescending. That means you talk down to people.
Martin: YOU’RE the narci—
Jonah: (talking over Martin) Yet, despite you two and your many issues, I’m thriving. I’m a girlboss.
Martin: You know what, think whatever you want. I don’t care.
Jonah: You care very much. See, you’re an INFJ—
Jonah’s monologue was interrupted with a click as Colin grabbed the speaker knob and turned the volume off. Every set of eyes in the office simultaneously turned to glare at him.
“Stop fucking with me. How did you install the text-to-speech software?”
Alice rolled her eyes.
“Colin, give it a rest! I told you I didn't do shit!”
She turned the volume knob back up.
Jonah: Speaking of the Internet, one other bright spot is the wealth of video information. Peter did show me a couple of fascinating videos during those long and hard days at the Institute…
*sounds of violent scuffle*
Jonah: HEY! Ow!
Martin: Shut the FUCK up about PETER! I’M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT YOUR WEIRD SEX. What the hell is wrong with you?
Jonah: Excuse me for thinking this was a safe space. Didn’t we just live through an apocalypse?
Martin: Sorry, are we alive? I must have missed that memo. Clearly, we’re all burning in Hell.
Jon: *sobbing* …I ENDED the world…
Martin: Great job, wanker. He’s curled up in the fetal position again. Don’t you have any shame?
Jonah: Oh, piss off. Jon’s been having mental breakdowns every Tuesday and Thursday, from 1-3, since 2016. Did you even look at the schedule block on the calendar?
Martin: NOT ANOTHER WORD, JONAH. (softly) It’s okay, Jon.
Jon: *mumbles incoherently*
Martin: (brightly) Hey, you know what might cheer you up? Remember when you killed Peter?
Jon: …That was pretty cool.
Jonah: Oh, laugh it up.
*Jon and Martin snicker*
Jon: I wish I could bring him back to life so I could kill him again.
*beat*
Jonah: …Could you try, Jon? That sounds pretty kinky.
An intern to Colin’s left started laughing and grabbed cash from his neighbor. The second intern slammed his hand down. “SHIT! I thought for sure Martin killed Peter.”
The first intern sneered, “TOLD you. Jon and Jonah have a ton of baggage.”
Colin put his head in his hands and zoned out. He had no idea how to explain this. Despite his best efforts, he felt his head growing heavy.
Alice shook him awake after some time.
“You’re gonna miss the best part. They’re talking about escaping again.”
I wish I could escape, Colin thought.
Jon: Okay, time to make a game plan. I have some theories on how to leave but, Martin, I want to hear some input.
Martin: Oh, I’m very motivated to get the hell out of here. The two of us can find a way, even if that means kicking the walls down.
Jonah: Peter kicked me into a wall once. It got me raring to go within 30 seconds of the bloody nose. The foreplay was magnificent in those days.
*Jon and Martin groan in frustration*
Jon: (Slowly and distinctly) So, addressing Martin, and ONLY Martin, have you tried to pull on your connection to the Lonely? Maybe a connection to a rival Power is the key to—
Jonah: Oh, I pulled on my connection to the Lonely nearly every night he could bear to look at me—
Martin: (hissed out through gritted teeth) No, JON. Fortunately for me, I don’t think I’ll EVER be LONELY again. How could I?
Jonah: (overlapping voice) After the second divorce, we had to share custody of the Tundra—
Martin: (talking loudly over Jonah) In other words, I’ve completely recovered from my isolation! (mock joy) Jazz hands!!
Jonah: Ah, isolation. It makes the heart grow fonder, as the saying goes. I remember—
Jon: (overlapping voice) For FUCK’S SAKE, man, do you ever get tired of the sound of your own voice? I’m ABOUT TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Jonah:
Jonah: You see, Peter and I had ravished each other in a pile of cash. Then, to our delight, the doorbell rang to announce an unexpected guest!
Jon: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!
Jonah: Funny you should say that. Simon remarked something shockingly similar. However, he ended up proving himself wrong in the end…
Martin: Oh my GOD. I’m going to be sick.
Colin suddenly stood up in a rage, knocking his chair backwards in the process. Alice didn’t react, still glued to her telanovela. The interns scattered once more.
“Alice,” he hissed, “What the actual fuck is this?”
She shrugged noncommittally. “Bro, I know just as much as you do.”
He took a steadying breath to calm himself. Alice waited. After a moment, Colin started to speak, frustration building in his voice.
“Every night, I drag myself to this prison and I want nothing more than to kick my feet up and rearrange some papers at a nice, normal government job. You know what I get instead?”
She smirked. “Oh, definitely job satisfaction.”
He ignored her. He pointedly held up three fingers in the air.
“First, I get Lena.” He shook his hand at her for emphasis. “You wouldn’t believe how fast she pulls up a search for ‘dominatrix in your area’ every time Gwen yells at her. You could set a clock with it!” He let out his breath in an exasperated huff. “And it doesn’t matter how many times I tell her our web traffic is monitored! She could not give less of a fuck. The woman is a menace.” Alice nodded sagely.
He lowered his thumb, leaving his index finger and middle finger raised.
“Second, I get Gwen. Gwen, who spends all day long staring at Lena. I live in constant fear that I’m going to walk in to a murder in progress. Or, God forbid, I'm going to bust on them shagging on the breakroom table." He shudders at the mental image. "And, I cannot stress this enough, both of those possibilities are equally as likely in my mind.”
He lowered his index finger, leaving his middle finger pointed at Alice. She raised an eyebrow.
“And, finally, I get YOU. You might be the worst of all. I listen to you verbally shitpost all day long and now you have the audacity to sit here and try to convince me there are, literally, little gay people in my computer?”
Her mouth dropped open in mock surprise. “Colin, you wound me!”
“I’m sick of your bullshit. I’m leaving. Have fun.”
She dismissively waved her hand and returned to the computer. “Yeah, yeah.”
As he walked away, his stomach twisted into knots. There was something definitely not right with that computer. Perhaps some kind of haunted AI model trained on Days of Our Lives? He pushed the thought down as laughter erupted in the distance. Jon was yelling at Jonah again. Some kind of threat involving locking him in a living corridor and throwing away the key?
“Yessss, bitch! Tell him!” Alice screamed.
I need a drink, Colin thought. Fuck this place. He kicked over another trash can on his way out and slammed the door.