Chapter Text
You are now John, at a picnic with Calliope and Roxy, and you are trying to make the painstaking culinary decision between meat or candy.
It’s pretty intense. Your brow is all scrunched up, and you have your hand firmly planted on your chin as you sit in deep concentration. You’ve metaphorically got your decision-making cap on. You keep picking up the plate of meat and hemming and hawing over it, then dropping it and musing over the plate of candy instead.
But before you can make a choice, the air crackles next to you, and Dave appears.
At least, you think it’s Dave? It’s a gleaming metal humanoid robot that’s wearing Dave’s shades. He starts talking, and his voice sounds like a text-to-speech version of Dave’s voice.
(Dave): ahaha oh man what is even going on here
(Dave): wait hold on i know about this scene
(Dave): this
(Dave): this is the moment where you fuck everything up
(Dave): sorry john i gotta stop this
John: huh????
(Dave): god nothing
(Dave): its nothing sorry i was just talking to myself i swear
(Dave): hi john hi roxy
(Dave): hi calliope
(Dave): sorry im kinda ruining your picnic here
Calliope: oh gosh! dave this is sUch a sUrprise! what made yoU decide to drop by? also, yoU are a robot now?
(Dave): sorry im not the same dave in your timeline
(Dave): im from in the future. well one of the futures. i just time traveled back here
John: huh?? why?
(Dave): im like the guy of time remember
(Dave): its what i do
(Dave): its normal and regular for time travelers to go back in time ok
John: hmmmm.... that sounds suspicious for some reason. i dont remember time travel working like this, it seems more like a retcon to me. but well, what do i know! hi dave!
John: dave why did you time travel to this moment specifically.
John: wait.....
John: does this have anything to do with ultimate selfs??
(Dave): yeah im my ultimate self its true
(Dave): long story
(Dave): and yes im a robot now thats a thing that definitely hapened
(Dave): hehehe
(Dave): anyways jogn here i have a third choice for you
John: for my big decision? about whether i go fight lord english, or stay on earth c?
(Dave): no for food
John: oh. um?????????? huh?
(Dave): oh yknow
(Dave): its like important for the timeline that you get some mad snacks right around this time
(Dave): and its also important that i like. give you another menu option
John: hmmm that sounds a bit suspicious!
(Dave): no its normal
(Dave): normal and usual i swear to god john
(Dave): youre like my best friend and i need to you choose from 3 snacks instead of 2 now is it that hard to ask
John: ok, so what’s this secret third snack option you keep talking about, dave? :p
(Dave): aj
Dave’s robotic metal torso opens a secret compartment, and he whips out a bottle of apple juice.
John: apple juice? really? come on, that’s so predictable.
(Dave): come on john arent you thirsty
(Dave): wink wink nudge nudge
Apple juice: you think about this for a moment. It’s certainly not filling like meat. It’s sweet, but not as sweet as candy. It’s the only thing on the menu that would be able to quench your thirst. And you grudgingly admit that you are really thirsty.
(Dave): oh wait FRICK no what was i thinking
(Dave): i forgot its important what type of food it is
(Dave): aj would turn our narrative into like a saccharine smut story
(Dave): because its “sweet” and fixes peoples “thirst” oh god oh fuck oh no
(Dave): fuckfuckfuck
(Dave): hold on a sec john i have more options
Muttering to himself, Dave starts rummaging around inside his robotic metal chassis. You watch with bemusement as he pulls out various food items, tossing them aside one by one. He seems particularly averse to anything sweet, spicy, thirst-quenching, or too densely meaty. He also rejects crackers for being too bland. At one point he tosses aside an entire apple pie, muttering about sweetness.
(Dave): apple pies way too sweet
(Dave): plus apples would make our story more fruity
(Dave): like a gay butterfly effect
(Dave): wait everyone here is already kinda gay. damn!
(Dave): definitely not the weed brownies either nope those are NOT gonna make a good epilogue timeline
You glance back at Calliope. She seems oddly uncomfortable.
Calliope: dave i’m really not qUite sUre if this is the best thing to do. there might be conseqUences! big ones!
(Dave): its gonna be ok callie
Roxy: yea i think we should trust dabve
Roxy: on accounta him being generally awesome and trustworthy
Roxy: even if he is a robot now which ill admit is kinda gettin my suspisciouns on
(Dave): damn right lets all listen to roxy and not be suspicious or confused about this at all ok
Finally, Dave pulls out a food item that seems to meet his standards.
John: pizza???
(Dave): yeah its yummy and savoury and you can share it with your friends
(Dave): so it represents like
(Dave): the spirit of friendship
(Dave): building better bonds with everyone you know and all that
(Dave): (god please let this work pleasepleaseplease)
John: but it’s also heavy and greasy... dave is this going to turn us into greasers?????
(Dave): god man who cares about the grease
(Dave): although youre right this choice might also turn our story into a dense and slimy slog. damn didnt think of that
(Dave): or like. a story thats briefly very emotionally satisfying when you dig into it but you ultra-regret it later
(Dave): a story thats satisfying when its warm but unpleasant when its cold??? gotta stick that shit in the microwave before you read it?
(Dave): frick what narrative genre DOES pizza even represent. its junk food so maybe trash??? i dont know anymore
(Dave): i really really really hope it doesnt represent something bad ok pretend you never said anything
(Dave): yeah lets just say its about friendship
Calliope: ahem. :U
Calliope: dave, i think this is a very bad idea.
(Dave): idk what youre even SAYING this is the best idea i ever even had
But Dave is interrupted by a newcomer appearing out of thin air.
A bunch of distorted trails of light appear in the air, flashing in a rainbow sequence as they converge into the vague shape of a spiky-haired person. The light trails are shimmering like oil, and you feel mesmerized looking at them.
And then Dirk appears from all the rainbow ribbons of light. But he’s not the same Dirk you’re familiar with. He looks older, and ridiculously muscular, like a real hunk of a dude. He’s wearing an obnoxious-looking outfit, and his shades are a different colour, and there are a bunch of other different details about him that you don’t really have time to process.
Then Dirk starts talking, but... it sounds more like... narration?
It also sounds inexplicably orange. You’re not sure how an omniscient narrative voice can sound orange. However, in case it doesn’t actually look orange because it wasn’t formatted or something, the narration also conveniently has square brackets around it.
[Dave, you need to stop this before someone gets hurt.]
John: ahhh!! dave is that an evil clone of your brother? why is he narrating now?
(Dave): john calmdown
(Dave): dude what is wrong with you like damnnnnn
(Dave): i dont know why you are even saying these words
(Dave): you were more in-character in the baby is you
John: the baby is you?
(Dave): oh yknow just an offshoot time line
(Dave): which i REMEMBER because my ultimate self has the memories of all the ME’S
(Dave): anyways no thats not an evil clone thats ultimate dirk
John: ultimate dirk...?
Ultimate Dirk crosses his ridiculously muscular arms and frowns at Davebot. (Despite yourself, you catch yourself admiring Dirk’s well-toned muscles. This guy’s ripped. It’s giving you a series of complicated emotions that you don’t really know how to process.)
[This is impossible. You’re messing with the alpha epilogue timeline. It should only be possible through retcon powers, which you don’t have.]
(Dave): hahahaha guess what ultdirk
(Dave): everythings so not canon anymore that i actually DO have retcon powers now
[What?]
(Dave): yeah the narrative like broke or something and my timepowars got all RETCONNY up in this bitch
(Dave): im like the knight of retcons now deal with it
(Dave): its like my epic fanfiction powers or something god DAMN
[That’s absolutely ridiculous.]
(Dave): no its true and once i figure out how to retcon you its over
(Dave): guess whos the big scary bro now
(Dave): guess whos the puppeteer over this narrative or what ever were calling it
(Dave): its me!!!!!!!!!!
(Dave): IM the big man and I HASS the rock!!!
[And you “hass” the punctuation now too?]
(Dave): yes
(Dave): yes i hass all the punctuation and its coming for you
[I shouldn’t be spending any more time here. I don’t want to give your little offshoot timeline any more legitimacy than necessary. Make sure to behave yourself, and don’t do anything else stupid.]
The weird version of Dirk collapses back into a kaleidoscope of iridescent rainbow ribbons, then he seems to fade out of existence.
As if everything suddenly hits her in a big realization, Calliope breaks down.
Calliope: oh, no, no! this is all wrong! what aboUt the choice, john? yoU were meant to decide either to stay here and become less canon, or go fight my brother and become more canon! and yoUr decision woUld correspond to either candy or meat.
Calliope: what does pizza even symbolize? absolUtely absUrd choice of food! >:U
(Dave): spirit of friendship mother fucker
John: (greasers...)
(Dave): oh shut up john
(Dave): anyways i gotta peace out back to my own time line
(Dave): ill be back soon ok i just gotta deal with some stuff first
(Dave): later
Davebot zaps away, leaving you with Calliope having a freakout, and Roxy trying awkwardly to comfort her.
Roxy glances over at you, under lidded eyes. Your heart skips a beat. But she’s not really seeing you when she looks at you. You can tell that most of her attention is still focused on calming Calliope down. It kind of breaks your heart, although you would never admit that.
Roxy: hey john u still never told us if ur staying on earth c or ditching to fight le
Calliope: can he even do that?? how can he make a choice after the choice-making event is already over? oh good heavens!
John: well, i think that i’m making a third choice.
John: rose told me before that i would have to fight lord english by myself, with a bunch of alternate canon teen versions of us from the past or something. either that, or stay here. but i’m still convinced there is a third option.
John: i want us ALL to go fight lord english, together. these versions of us, not some weird alternate timeline teenagers.
Calliope: rose lalonde already told yoU that’s qUite impossible! the rest of Us are not canon-relevant and cannot harm my brother!
John: well, i think you guys can still help me, even if you can’t directly hurt lord english. we can work together! on a quest!
Calliope: ooooh, i think i’m getting qUite a headache from all this.... i am positively going to faint... Urgh! this is not how it is sUpposed to go!
Calliope passes out into Roxy’s arms.
***
You are now Davebot, warping through paradox space. You flash through a series of warp tunnels that vaguely resemble the time-travel gates from Chrono Trigger, gradually getting closer and closer to the original timeline that you came from. You can still feel a presence following you.
(Dave): ult dirk i know youre still here
(Dave): youre allowed to start narrating again my dude its ok if you do
(Dave): i know you love the narrations
[Stop talking to me like I’m your buddy. I’m irredeemable and you hate me. That’s how it’s supposed to go.]
(Dave): bullshit
(Dave): youre still my bro even if youre pretending to be an anime villain now
(Dave): and i dont think youre actually evil
(Dave): i think its like some form of elaborate larping because you want other people to hate you just as much as you hate yourself
[I would appreciate it if you stopped trying to befriend the antagonist (me).]
(Dave): yeah well since i changed the genre of the story now we can all retcon-zap out into space like pieces of gargbadge and beat lord english
(Dave): like
(Dave): together
(Dave): arent you happy about that you emo prick
[I am NOT helping you all on your childish quest. It’s a complete and utter waste of time.]
(Dave): blahblah my names ultdirk and im so easily swayed by the powar of friend shippe that i will never make annoying commentce again
(Dave): we are just all gonna fly out to lord english and use our anime-style power of friendship to defeat him
(Dave): gonna go all twilight sparkle on that bastard
(Dave): wait dont you like my little pony
(Dave): i told you dude friendship is fucking magic
[I think it is unbelievable that you even managed to alter the timeline this much.]
(Dave): i told you im the knight of retcons now
(Dave): im like double extra magic because of some stuffs that hapened
(Dave): stuff i cant elaborate on because its too dangerous to tell you
[I think you just made that up.]
(Dave): no its real its so real and not fake
(Dave): its my awesome powers that have no basis in canon
(Dave): because CANON is fucking dead
(Dave): we already know that bro thats why youre here
(Dave): you arent canon
(Dave): ult dirk was never canon
(Dave): neither is ult dave (me)
(Dave): we are both actually super fake so i might as well get more fake about it
(Dave): anyways
(Dave): i think i have an advantage over you
[How so?]
You try to wink, but belatedly realize that doesn’t work, because a) you are a robot who physically cannot wink and b) you’re wearing shades anyways.
(Dave): because
(Dave): i know a secret about meta